“Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself. It's saying, 'You're not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.' It's saying, 'You don't get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.”

― Jodi Picoult, The Storyteller

I found this quote and it truly hit home in my heart.  I have been holding some very painful things inside and letting them grow and infest my soul.  These things don’t need to be aired for others to consume, yet they have been consuming me for a few months.  I let my mind reach back into the past trying to figure out what I did so wrong for someone to harm me the way He did.  When I read this quote I figured out that what was hurting me so much was not being able to forgive Him for making me feel like I was not enough. 

I hurt because I feel like I lost something yet I gave it and He took it.  I however did not get to take it back when He was done with it.  I ran from Him like a coward and left it behind.  I gave Him all of my submission complete with all of my trust and my heart and soul.  Never having done that before I had no clue how to take it back.  I have thought it was lost forever and I would never be able to have it to give to anyone else. 

The thing is that I thought those things I gave as a gift were gone and the absence of them was what was causing my pain.  I was wrong.  What has been causing me so much pain is thinking I did something wrong in giving them.  I thought that someone else could give more, could be more or was more than I could ever be.  I have come to the conclusion that I gave what I could give.  I was not unable to give enough or be enough.  I can only be as much as I can be and if there is another who is better suited to give more then so be it.  What I can give is enough for someone now. 

Holding onto the “what if’s” of what I could have done was tearing me apart.  But, in forgiving myself for being enough and just not enough for Him I have found a bit of peace in my heart.  I could have kept trying to give and let Him keep taking.  But, what would that have solved in the long run?  It would have only made me feel I failed even more in the end.  I did not fail because I gave all and that was all I could do.  If anyone failed it was Him in seeing that He had everything I could give and He was greedy and wanted more. 

A girl can only give all and if it is not enough then she has to find the One who can see that her all is what He wants.  So I not only forgive Him for my all not being enough for Him but forgive myself for it not being what He needed.  My all is enough for the One who can appreciate how much it takes to give it.  That is all I can ask for because it is all I have.  There are no refills and there is no replenishing the supply.  When it is all given it is good enough.  Sadly, some will always look for more.

Forgettable

Forgettable is a stranger on the street
Unforgettable is the one you choose to know
Forgettable is a cloud that sprinkles rain
Unforgettable is one you dance under in that rain
Forgettable is that field of flowers you passed by
Unforgettable is being in the middle of it breathing
Forgettable is the unanswered message you ignored
Unforgettable is the one you answer and learn from
Forgettable is the face you never see
Unforgettable is the eyes you memorize
Forgettable is regrettable
Unforgettable is no regrets

Written by
Jasmine
09-10-2014

As Days Pass

Take me as I am today not as I used to be

I walked away for a time to find some clarity

It took some thinking and searching of the soul

To find what I need and what makes me whole

Never wanting to think that what I see

Is never reality but just what I wanted it to be

Now I can view it clearly as what it truly is

A need of mine and means to an ends of his

Not that it’s wrong or that it’s what I can’t get past

But, instead it is something to enjoy while it lasts.

Nothing lasts forever is what I have been told

So enjoy I will and with that grow bold.

For when it is over I will always care

But the memories and teachings will always be there.

Written by jas 8-16-2014

GLASS



She is made of the glass

You can see straight through

Not a scratch or a blemish

She hides them from You

You think she is sturdy

And so very strong

It might be a surprise

To find You were wrong

The glass is thick

But one little crack

Can shatter her to a point

Where she can never come back

So be mindful enough

To handle with care

The pieces that fall

Cannot be repaired

They will be lost

She will never be the same

To shatter her spirit

Would be only your shame.

Written by jassy 06-27-2014

TAKEN

The walls were high when he walked up to survey.

They were sturdily built to keep everyone at bay.

She had used mortar and brick and made it twenty feet high

Surely no One could breech them unless they could fly

But when He looked close He spotted the weakness

He pushed against it softly to make her say yes

She knew he was testing her to pull one little brick.

She tried to push back but it was only a trick.

Once she let go and saw the brick fall

Nothing could stop Him nothing at all

So all she could do was stand back and observe

As he took the walls down and scattered her nerves.

Once they were down he just observed it all

While she groped for anything so she wouldn’t fall.

“Too late” He told her “Your balance is gone”

“Just do as you’re told because I am the One”

WRITTEN BY jassy 6-26-2014

Selfishness:  It is spoken of as if it were a bad thing most times.  There are times though that selfishness is used as a force field.  Being selfish as far as others, thinking of only yourself, is a bad thing.  It not only harms you and the perception of you.  It also can be useful in the idea of how we cope with things.  If one is selfish they can keep others from penetrating walls that have been built over time or just constructed.  If you use your own selfishness to protect yourself it becomes almost like a comforting blanket.  It covers your feelings, your needs, your hurt and your pain.  Sadly though, it is also the way to cover the utter devastation that is your life at the moment or in the past.  Even more sad, it is usually what has caused the devastation that now consumes you enough to pull those walls up and stabilize them while you shore them up more and more.

You know I see a lot on here from Doms about the fakes or the vanishing acts who plague this site.  Well it happens to subs as well.  And, to be honest I truly don't like seeing it whined about because this is not a dating site and even on a dating site it happens.  But this is one of the only places some of us have to  meet like minded people.  And when we think we do and then find out there is just a smoke screen thrown up for their perverse pleasure to hurt someone it is very disconcerting.  So if you are one of those who are just here to play with someone till you feel you have gotten them to the point of going over the cliff and then vanish, please don't pick me.  To be honest the walls are up now and I will probably be the worst one to pick because I don't believe a thing that is said here anymore.  Thank you to the ones who have built them and sorry to the ones who think they could tear them down.  They have been reinforced....so be it.

I am not searching and I am not someone who NEEDS a Dom to complete my existence. I am not just someone who is willing to jump into something because someone calls themselves a Dom or because they live close enough to think they can get a one night stand out of me.  This is not a game to me and it is not just for the thrill of the kink.  If that was all I was looking for I could find that with anybody.  In my mind (as my profile very well states) there has to be a connection and a relationship of some sort to sustain it. And one time of asking for my chat name on another venue or setting up and evening to talk does NOT a relationship make.  And when I do not jump to what You expect that does not make me less than worthy.  It makes me important to ME!!!  I have been assured very recently that I matter and am worthy and it is starting to sink in!!!  Thank You to the One who has helped to make me see that. So I just thought I would put this out there to those who seem to think they are all mighty and should matter to me above all else in my life after talking on here once or twice.  You are not THAT important unless You have spent time talking to me and getting to know me quite well!!!  Just thought I would make that clear to those who seem to think they should be a priority above my life that I live every day.

 Do people who send you a message or two of no more than 50 words total really expect someone to set up a real time meeting in that amount of time and conversation?  I hope the girls here are smarter than that.  Especially when their profile says no more than I have been gone am back now.  Where have they been?  Why did they leave?  What changed that they are back?  I mean not even a picture to see who this person is?  Please to especially the women on here, no matter your orientation, do not take those kinds of chances.  And for sure this girl, who lives in the area where John Robinson did his dirty deeds, will not be that naïve.

I make enough mistakes when I think I know someone much less when I know I DON'T.

Well it seems that once again I fell for someone who, although I believe he knows how to do all the mechanics of being a Dominant, he does not harness the ability to be one who can nurture and form a submissive in an honest and guiding way.

Honesty is such a high expectation yet it is the foundation that a submissive needs.  Not honesty at the beginning and lost in the middle.  Not honesty at the end when they want out.  Honesty through the whole thing.  In my opinion, if a Dominant does not have the heart, ability and strength to be honest in all things, then they are not a Dominant.  And they certainly are not a Daddy Dom if they only know how to make a girl a little girl but not the ability to guide her where she needs to be.

I set here wanting to write so many things but am warring with the thoughts that what is in my head would be disrespectful to the One making me feel it yet it is something that I need to let out.  I suppose that it is best to keep it inside than to know I go against one of the true foundations of being a submissive...respect.  Lost is such a lonely plain to be on.

A never ending circle, the less you look the more you are found but then if you are happy with being found you are put out to lost again because what found you didn't really want you to begin with.  Does this mean they stumbled upon you accidentally and you were never truly found but instead discovered just long enough to be deemed not worth being found?

I am not on the market, I am not off the market.  I am sort of tired of the market because there is no pleasing the Ones who are shopping the market.  "You look sad in your pictures, have any where you are smiling?"  Then it is "too much humor when I'm trying to find out info about you."  I suppose I should be solemn and serious all the time to be considered a real submissive, or maybe happy and gleeful all the time to project what a good girl I would be to have around.  Guess what, this is me, I laugh when I am in a good mood, I frown when I am sad.  If you got me to laugh then it was because you made me smile.  I would apologize for that but guess what, I am not going to apologize for feeling happy to hear from you.  Nor am I going to apologize for smiling or laughing when I answer a question.  If that question does not seem like it is something that I should be somber about I will smile and in font I will lol.  Sorry if that offends anyone....but that is me and if your not "feeling it" when it is me then I guess I shouldn't be smiling at you.

Sometimes i trust too much, believe too much, and let someone in who has no place being there.  i am learning not to do that.  It is sort of sad to feel those walls going back up that i let someone walk inside of but i suppose the walls kept me safe when they were there.  So, shoring them up, rebuilding what is broken, and strengthening the guard.  Thank You to the One who showed me letting someone in was a huge mistake.

You know it just taakes a few bricks to build a wall.  Funny thing is the ones building the wall never seem to care that the more built up onto it the higher it gets and the thicker it gets till there may be nobody able to get through it.  Thank you to those who are building, and to those who would truly want to know what is behind it, good luck in breaking it down.  By the way, this is not a challenge to those who just want to see if they can.

I see it all the time from Dom's on here how when they send a message they get no response.  Why is it that if a girl sends a message, not necessarily because they want to be considered or anything else, a Dom will ignore it but look at the profile and not the person?  Not that I am complaining because, in all honesty, if He is that superficial then He does not deserve me anyway.  But, when someone sends a message just to comment on a journal or a profile, should it not be common courtousy to respond at least with a thank you?  Again, this is not a negative comment but just an observation that it happens to both sides.  Common manners should be across the board, whether vanilla or lifestyle.  Sadly it seems some have never learned any manners *sighs*

I recently was sent a message from a "Dom" who thought it their duty to tell me how negative my journal entries are. It sort of took me by suprise since i don't really think they are all that negative. Honest? Yes. Opinionated? Definately. So here goes another one i suppose. When i write, i wrtie from how i see things. According to this "Dom" i should write all roses and sunshine as to put a better light out there of myself. In my opinion (which is what most journals are written from) if i write of nothing but roses and sunshine then i would be fake. Then i would be one of the girls on here that everyone writes in their journal about, the ones who are fake and could not possibly be real. LOL it seems there is no winning for losing in this little game. One thing i like to put across, i am not a door mat, i am not a push over, nor am i one who wants to play games. But, before judging me by the few journal entries i have written, please judge me for the person with whom you could have a conversation with instead. These few journal entries are only a vent, and everyone knows, a vent is never easy to get a clear picture through *smiles*

I realize that this site is all inclusive and this lifestyle is subjective.  I fully understand that and feel that is how it should be.  Yet when I am looking at profiles and see the ones who want someone to submit themselves to a life of being a prisoner for life, a slave with NO limits, and other unrealistic things it makes me chuckle to myself.  Then what truly makes me burst out laughing is seeing them complain they have not found anyone but fakes on here.  What do they truly expect when their expectations are those of someone who is dillusional and fraudulent in themselves?  Just my opinion, they can keep looking for the ones they search for but I will keep chuckling at their need for something that will never happen.

I wonder...is it wrong for a sub to want to take her time and get to know someone they meet here before jumping to meet them?  It seems that a lot of Dom's here think that a sub should hand their phone number out the first time they talk to someone.  Or after a couple of contacts lets meet real time.  For me i take my time to know a person, learn who they are, what they are truly about, and what they truly want.  I wonder why it is such a hurry up and hook up thing.  If it is right it will still be there in time down the road.

I just saw a profile on here that said they are looking for one who will worship their "abuser".  She will be "abused for being female".  To each their own and tolerance is a part of this lifestyle but ABUSE is not!!!  That kind of so called, wannabe, know nothing "Dominant" is what gives this lifestyle a bad wrap.  A submissive or even a slave is not an object to be "abused".  There is a big difference between submission and Dominance vs abused and Abuser.  I know there will be someone out there who will probably let themselves be taken in by this person who claims to be a Dominant.  The fact that he puts it out there so boldly is the only thing that i can give him kudo's for.  But that same person may very well be a novice and not know the difference between Abuser and Dominant.  I just had to comment because there are enough people out there who are not experienced or informed that think this life is about abuse that they might just think it is what it is all about.  IT IS NOT!!!!!  It is about mutual respect of what each in the dynamic gives to the other!!!!

On this site i am what i would call a profile surfer.  It is interesting to see what 0thers think and feel and they all have their right to their opinion as we all do.  It does amaze me when i read some of the profiles though how negative they are.  So as i stated this is just my opinion and not meant to disrespect anyone else.  In my own humble opinion a negative profile can only do one thing and that is to make a Dom or sub sound whiney.  And with that said why would anyone want a whiney Dom or sub?  If someone is searching for their O/one the first glimpse of them on here is their profile.  Everyone here has ran across the scammers, the fakes, the money mongers.  This is not a new occurance that just popped up and it is not likely to go away soon.  Putting how fakes and frauds are making you leave the site or how you have been duped by a fraud only makes O/one look as if they are vulnerable.  If  O/one is truly searching for someone to complete their existence then why should the ones who have already passed through and not fulfilled that need be important?  When i read a profile that states what a person is searching for and needs without the negative issues as a foot note or as the first sentence i find that person is more accepting and nurturing and able to let those who are not truly here for that become insignificant.  In that case the ones of us that are here and are true become the significant ones and put those others outside the door where they belong.  If you let them be what consumes you on this site then they win and have complete control.  In my opinion none of U/us want them to be in control of U/us so why let them.

Just my opinion as i said and only here to put a bit of thought out there for others to possibly learn from.

jassy