Having worked with the public professionally my entire adult life i find that i prize manners above almost all other human traits. A big part of my success working in a leather bar is that i never confused masculinity with being macho.

i LOVE men who are naturally masculine. A big man holding a door for me, a deep voice saying please and thank you, these things make me weak in the knees.

Finest example: a yearly visitor, who i like a lot, came to my bar. i didn't recall his name. Seeing this, he leaned over the bar as if to kiss me, put his mouth to my ear and whispered, "Jeff, from Chicago". Then gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Now that won me over for life and i doubt that i will ever forget him. He was gracious, defusing the situation and putting all parties at ease.

Conversely the gentleman who worked my nights off felt that to be butch he had to be a macho shithead. The place was a ghost town when he worked. Literally, chirping crickets and tumbleweed.

Now please don't get me wrong here. i am not saying that i wouldn't be delighted if you'd verbally abuse me heartily while slapping the shit out of me as i cum. Actually i'd be disappointed if you didn't.

i am saying here that i worship kind, considerate, well mannered men who also tell me what to do and hurt me. i actually don't think it is that outlandish a dichotomy.

just typing out loud here.

This is a topic i've been pondering lately.

There are many dichotomies in the Sm life that are both appealing to me as well as problematic, or maybe just not entirely resolved.

i embrace the inferior role in the sense that i am a sub/slave/extremely beta male at heart. So it is easily acceptable to me that i am inferior in the sense of pecking order or as subordinate.

i am however emphatically not an inferior person. Actually i am bright, well read, creative and strive to be excellent in my endeavors.

i can also note that i loath being called fag in every day life. It seriously pisses me off. On the other hand the name fag as a sexual role is music to my ears. i love to be called fag when you are slapping me around, emphasizing my role as inferior.

The same is true of just about any degrading or humiliating verbiage you'd like to throw at me. The only words that i may have issues with would be "stupid" because it just doesn't ring true or "fat" because i am no longer fat but have heard it all my life. This one would be an emotional limitation for me.

i heartily embrace gay/slave/small dick/useless as a male/humiliation as all of these things are true to one degree or another. i AM gay, i AM a sub/slave, i do have a smallish cock and prefer to be completely passive. i'd much rather beat off than stick it in anyone.

Continuing in this vain it is dichotomous that i strongly do not buy into the inferior fag/superior straight man dynamic. Again, i am an excellent human being.

That said, i love the inferior fag/ superior MAN dynamic in sex. Gay, straight, bi or hetero-flexible doesn't really matter here. i am the sub/slave and need to worship you.

i have always loved that scenario, that i am worshipful, respectful and obedient while you slap me around and call me homo.

Now this also brings to mind the concept of deserving abuse.

On one hand i do deserve the pain and humiliation because it is what i enjoy most. i deserve to be used as a urinal as well, i LOVE that. i am a fine sub and deserve to be rewarded. Yet i find it erotic in an Sm setting to get to a place where i deserve these things out of a sense of inferiority and as enforced subjugation. Again, two sides of the same coin.

So yes. i am both inferior and not. i can embrace it sexually and as my part in an Sm relationship as well as my natural place in society as the beta animal without accepting it as a description of my greater whole.

i am not great leader but i am an AWESOME follower.

 This will lapse into the realm of warm and fuzzy fantasy and my ideas on making 24/7 doable for both myself and my future dominant Man.   

To start with, i am a full grown adult now (in most ways) fully self aware and self actuating. i own my home and the mortgage that goes with it. i work a full work week and nontraditional hours at that.

There are different reasons for and levels of service. First off, for me, it is about the gratification of serving an owner, next would be the emotional reward of surrendering decision, and lastly, being that i do find service to a Man to be sexually charged, would be the ideal of slavery as foreplay.

Worship, respect and admiration make this possible. Make me feel like a most cherished possession and i will move mountains for you.  

i emphatically do NOT expect someone to take the time to tell me what to do at all hours of the day. If this sort of responsibility was laid on me i think i would go mad.

What i would like instead is a schedule to live by. It's a simple idea here. i am apt to procrastinate and spend far too much time with the contraption i am typing at right now. i would like to keep a journal of how i spend my time, and a list of the things that i do not do that would be rewarding and let my Dom make a schedule that is more productive for both He and i.

This would include time to do chores in his home as well as mine, classes i would like to take (being a chronic student and all), exercise and basically whatever else he would like to see me accomplish as well as some down time.

i LOVE schedules and to-do-lists. i see this as an opportunity to improve both our lives and to feel owned without needing micromanagement. i am not a fan of micromanagement in the work place either, i like to know my job well enough to excel at it and do just that.  

i'd like to be emphatic here about this being an opportunity to improve both of our lives. This is a way for me to be productive and bring what i have to offer. It is where i get to do for you what i am already good at and hone skills that you would like to see me have. It is where i learn, beyond the general idea of what i can do for someone, the specifics of what you need me to do for you. 

Surrender of the decision making process is appealing to me on a gut level. Always has been. i would very much like to see how far i could go with this but think it will have to happen in increments. 

Last, service as foreplay seriously gets me off. It puts me in the special place of feeling owned and anticipating being used. It looks ridiculous typed out here but the fact is that standing naked at the sink washing dishes in your home will help me get off harder when you beat me. It is a button i need to have pushed on the way to sexy-times.

In reading my previous journal entries it is apparent that i am a fine candidate for 24/7. Of course i don't think that it will happen instantly, nor would i feel that that would be wise. i do however think i could get there and stay there with the right Man.