http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gor-MuYeYLw

 I want to apologize for slow response to correspondence. I have been sewing like a sweat shop worker filling client costume orders for Halloween and beginning orders for the steampunk ball in Vegas.

While I am open to corresponding with anyone seeking friendship, there are some things I would like to address that I am not interested in sexually or for my intimate relationships. It is partly my hope I will thin out the large amount of email I receive daily while also allowing those who do contact me to feel they have not wasted any of their time or effort.


I am not interested in having any sexual experience with anyone's pet,
bestiality is completely off my radar. If you contact me with this kind of invitation, I will be using my delete and my block user option.

I am not looking to submit to a woman,
In all my experiences with women sexually I have always been the more dominate. I have never been submissive with women and have no desire to be. In this respect I can be seen as switch.

I am not looking to be added to an already established relationship,
I am open to other women being added as play partners to any relationship I have and there are several reasons for this. The largest being that while I list myself as submissive, this is in response to men. If there is ever a dynamic between myself, a male and a female, my most comfortable place would be some form of middle management, dominate over the other female yet submissive to the male. Additionally, an already established partnership places me at a disadvantage from the beginning in regards to this position I feel most comfortable holding. While I am comfortable with a man having other play partners, I am not interested in being placed within these other dynamics. In the end I struggle if I feel I am competing for attention or feel neglected in some way because of any addition(s). It is there that to avoid any feeling of jealousy I would simply remove myself. Let me further make it clear these statements do not apply to a man whom has established play partners outside of our play, this is not what I am referring to. This concerns intimate couples wishing to add a third wheel. I am not looking to be a play toy for you and your wife or long term girlfriend.

I am not looking for a relationship with a woman,
Although I find myself equally attracted sexually to both men and women, I have little to no interest in intimate emotional relationships with women. This has much to do with my finding a huge amount of comfort and even relief in more traditional gender roles and it is this which I seek in my intimate relationships.

I am not looking to be used by the friends of the man I choose to be with,
While I respect any mans choice to have multiple partners, and even feel it is his place to make such a decision, this is by no means a practice I would enjoy doing myself. I am extremely happy and find great comfort if I am able to dedicate and give myself to a singular other. 

I am not looking for quick hook ups for play,
I need something deeper and more lasting than that if I am ever going to find myself able to really unlock all I have kept so knotted up inside myself. I need someone extremely present and with immense patience for my complete lack of experience sexually. I cannot create the connection I need to open up, trust another and give myself so completely without  the time and attention taken to establish this connection. Such intimacy does not come easy for me and certainly will never be obtained while you are visiting my city for a weekend.

I am not seeking online play,
The places I would like to take myself sexually and intimately will assuredly require direct physical contact.


Now that I have tried to address the top things I am not seeking, I will try to put into words what would be my ultimate dream come true and post this within the next few days as I find time.

I wanted to check in here with those I have been corresponding.
I still have some trials to overcome on the health front, though if there is one thing my life has given me it is a greater sense of my incredible ability to endure.
With every bit of myself being receptive, I have never felt myself a very strong person, like the many who step out into this world and bend it to their ambition out of their own sheer will and although my timid nature has held me many times at the mercy of my environment and even those within it, I can count myself as one who can continue in the very face of anything pressed to me.
Where I lack strength, I carry a deeper endurance than any of those I have come to know.
It is with this that I will outlast and move beyond this illness.
I will continue to respond to email as quickly as I can, although I do ask you all to please show a small bit of patience, for now.

Tonight I wanted to delve a bit into my own psycology by sharing the origin of my deep fetish for the feeling of constriction.
I vividly recall the first moments of pleasure I experienced from the feeling of being tightly squeezed into something confining. I was a small child of three and had a pair of knee high black boots I adored. My admiration for this single pair of boots was so focused, for my families christmas photos that year I appear in them in place of the mary janes I had refused to wear which matched the frilly dress I wore. I had also so loved stuffed rabbits as a child I collected them and when asked what I wanted to be for Halloween the answer came instantly... a rabbit. My mother being a well versed seamstress, began creating my pink bunny suit. She created a fuzzy hooded bodysuit complete with floppy ears and paw shaped feet and hands. Although, I had a child's love for my little rabbits, when I found I could not wear my favored footwear with the footed rabbit costume, I refused to wear it. This led to my mother scrambling at the last moments to costume me for the night and how me and my favorite boots went out as a little witch.
As the year went on I slowly grew out of my much loved boots. Still I refused to give them up and would force my far too large feet into them. Each time I went to put them on there was a moment of anxiety and anticipation at getting my heel to slide in and the fear I would not manage to struggle the zipper up. Then when finally on, squeezing tight every bit of flesh within them, I felt a deep sense of accomplishment, relief and emotional comfort even as the leather pressed the bones of my foot into one another.
Although this was not an erotic experience for me it evoked a calm in me that I still feel an attraction to today.
A sense of comfort in the uncomfortable which I have come to crave.

I have been so very busy recently I have had little to no time to write anything here. I can write that I have relocated to San Francisco and I am currently getting settled into my new address. I should be more available soon after getting things into a regular rhythm in my new suroundings.

Till then...

Some time ago I had addressed the question of what I find physically attractive in my journal posts, and although this aspect of a man is not of high priority in my search, I am asked about it often enough I have tried to define this more thoroughly. I prefer men whom carry a sense of their power and authority within their very presence and not with the bulk of their body, leading my attractions to men of slender and considered to some of petite build. I must also admit I am rather attracted to a man not afraid to wear a bit of eyeliner, yet even without lined eyes a man with an air of formality in tight breeches and gloves that carries a twist of sinful mischievousness, a man able to radiate a complete sense of his power without a display of brute strength is completely irresistible. For me brutality is not a component of submission, I give myself completely and willingly to the man worthy of such devotion. To me, only those who do not truly deserve such obedience must force it out of another. All of this translates in several ways to the appearance, yet in ways I find difficult to define. I have tried to think of examples of men I have found attractive in the past and even there I am left with those previously mentioned, an old block print of Donetien De Sade, a painting from the younger years of Mozart and the part of the huntsman played In the film Company of Wolves. So, I will add here at least one example from the modern era, Chris Corner as X, of IamX. 

"I'll break you with a tender touch and then the tears cried in the tear garden will be for life."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M400-XR2aMo

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__cWAsQxttw

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dwG4UT7JNs

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GciKkJaCGXo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyEaHN7QKik

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_DWvBfKpyo

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSODcPocZSo

I have been ill lately and unable to participate in any way here on this site. As a result I only have a couple of additions to my list of favorites to share today. 

A few more Favorites 

To be called a "good girl"
(when I earn it, of course) 

To be struck across the thighs
(I believe a light caning across the tops of my thighs might be an overwhelming and exciting sensation, would love to experiment with this) 

The Idea of wearing a well crafted locking metal collar
(the inflexibility of the metal pulled against my throat is much more exciting idea than a more subtle leather collar, and something about inability for it to be removed by my own hand is arousing)

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I have had so little time to myself lately I have not been able to add anything to my journal here. I do not want to neglect my original plan to post here as a way to get a bit more comfortable within my own sexuality. By exposing myself in this way I must ultimately except these truths about myself.
I am still restricted with my time and will not be able to post another full fantasy as before until I have more time to dedicate to it's proper description.
In place here I have decided to post a list of some of my favorite things so to speak. I will come back and add to this list as my experience grows and I find new sensations and events I adore. For now my experience very much lacking it may be a bit disappointing to some, yet here it is for all who wish to know more.


A Few of my Favorite Things

the feeling of constriction or deep pressure
(corsets, tight boots, being pressed into a bed from the weight of another)

the feeling of wet clothing clinging to my body

the feeling of gloved hands against my skin
(something about the combined texture and denial of actual bare flesh makes my own body so much more aware of being touched, as if my body is begging for the naked hand hidden within the glove itself)

having my arms pulled together behind my back
(leads me to believe I might like those arm binding corsets)

performing oral
(this could qualify as a fetish for me I believe, as I get very near climax doing nothing but this)

having my hair pulled

being bitten at the back of the neck
(I have found this to be one of the fastest ways to get me sexually aroused)

having my tongue sucked

having my nipples pinched
 (why I fantasize about the use of clamps and cannot wait to try)

being tongued over my panties
(I love the teasing pleasure this produces as I am so very sensitive direct oral will bring me to climax embarrassingly quick)

being spanked bare handed

being denied climax

waking up to being touched sexually or masturbated over, on, against

being come on
(especially across my breasts and neck)

being abruptly taken from behind by my lover when I least expect it
(innocently washing dishes when suddenly I find myself bent over the counter edge skirt pushed up and panties down)

having a collar pulled back on while being taken from behind
(just enough to slightly constrict breathing)

being blindfolded
(I tend to hide my eyes or avoid any eye contact when embarrassed which leads me to believe a blindfold would be an excellent way for me to perform sexual acts I find more embarrassing and help me push past some of my timidness)

being told what and how to perform sexually and when I am doing this correctly

being asked to do sexually embarrassing things
(and in my inexperience it doesn't take much to be embarrassing, many on this list qualify)

being asked to masturbate so my lover can watch
(see embarrassing things)

having a hand held over my mouth or fingers stuck in my mouth when I am close to climax to both stimulate my oral fetish and slow my breathing


Please return as I will eventually add to this list as my experiences blossom.

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When I started this journal I thought it would be a good exercise in addressing my shy nature and help me become more comfortable with my own sexuality if I were to reveal some of my fantasies within my daily posts. Somehow sharing a portion of these thoughts and feelings with all of you makes them all the more a part of me. With this in mind, I start today with one of my more common themed fantasies.


Detention

I imagine a room with an instructors large desk and a smaller students desk with many of the implements you would find in a classroom including a large shiny red apple on the instructors desk. Dressed as any naughty schoolgirl should be, in a plaid skirt, over the knee sock and my hair pulled up in two cute ponytails, I am at the students desk for "detention". On a lined sheet of paper I have written "I will do as I am told." repeatedly upon each line to turn in as my detention assignment. When I hand my sheet to my instructor it is criticized for it's sloppiness and I am told to retrieve a large stack of books from the instructors desk. I am then told to kneel and hold my arms out from my sides palms up. The books are now distributed between my two palms. Barely able to keep my arms lifted under the weight of the books, I am told not to drop them or punishment for my behavior will become more severe. Nearly shaking under the weight, arm muscles burning, I try to keep the books stable. Being unable to do anything but pour all my concentration into keeping my arms lifted, I am left rather defenseless to the instructor, who taking full advantage of this unbuttons my shirt. Pushing my shirt open I become more embarrassed as I am more exposed, yet I still concentrate on keeping the books from falling. The strap attachments to my bra are then undone one by one, leaving my bra strapless, building up the anticipation to the clasp being undone. My arms are visibly shaking as my bra is removed, fully exposing my breasts, causing my cheeks to flush pink. I struggle to keep the books balanced with my trembling and tired arms as the instructor begins teasing my nipples, each time pinching harder. Then obtaining a small organizing container from the desk, the instructor takes out two larger paper clasps clipping each nipple tight. Lightly pulling at them, the sensation becomes overwhelming and with a thundering slap a book hits the floor. I am reminded that this is unacceptable and addition punishment will be necessary. I beg forgiveness, ask to begin again, yet these requests are ignored. I am told to stack the books and stand. Breasts still exposed, I am turned and told to bend over the small student desk, being large enough for good support yet narrow enough to leave my breasts hanging just over the opposite edge. My skirt is pushed towards my waist and I am fondled over my cotton panties, pushing them into me and all my moisture now there. I then feel my cotton panties being slid down and off. I am made to step out of them and told that I made them a wet mess. My panties are then rubbed in my face for dirtying them and I am told to place my wrists together behind my back. My panties are then wrapped and knotted around my wrists securing them behind me. I am asked if I am ready for my full punishment and this is when I realize the instructor is now holding the slightly flexible 18" metal ruler from the desk. As the first delicious strike lands across my bottom, I cannot help but cry out. I am told to keep silent and I feel the bite of another strike a bit harder this time. I try to stifle my cries and find I am unable as the strikes become harder and closer together. I am told my inability to keep quiet will not be tolerated. The apple from the desk is shoved as deep into my mouth as it can be and I am instructed to not allow it to fall from my mouth. My cries now muted by the apple, the strikes come even more frequently and powerful leaving the flesh across my back side more and more raised and flushed red. My body almost trembles under the sensation and even my thighs are now wet from my arousal. Then as suddenly as they began the strikes end and my legs are abruptly forced apart. The instructor pushes deep into me while my bottom still stinging is red and hot to the touch. Grabbing and pulling back hard on one of my ponytails for greater leverage, I am thrust into harder and deeper pushing me ever closer to orgasm. Moments before the peak of climax, the instructor withdraws denying me full satisfaction telling me I haven't been a good enough girl yet for such things. Still gripping my hair I am pulled off the table into a kneeling position, where the apple is removed from my mouth. I am told to clean up my mess and the instructor pushes deep into my mouth with a hand on the back of my head forcing me to take as much as I can. Driving into my mouth again and again, my eyes begin to water as my throat tightens down with each inescapable deep thrust, the beautiful taste leaving saliva streaming down my mouth and neck in sticky rivulets. My world consumed by the wet sucking and gaging sounds when I feel the unmistakable pulsing of climax nearing and only moments before the instructor withdraws to cum on my face and mouth.......

Hope you enjoyed this little peek into my sexuality.
Till Next

  *****************************  

I took several new webcam photos late last evening. I posted one for all, I may pass a few others on to those of you whom I have a more regular correspondence with. Those of you just introducing yourself please do not write with the sole purpose of requesting additional photos. I would love to share images if we have something to say to one another but I am not here to just send out images of myself to just anyone demanding them.

Also concerning my recent short posts and slower response time to emails. I should have more time to respond to letters and will again post full journals daily soon after finishing up with the personal situation I am currently addressing. I ask for your patience till this passes. Till Then....

  *****************************  

Wanted to leave a note for you all letting you know I have a profile at alt.com under the same screen name as I am found under here.
Although there are a few things that need to be updated, there is an interesting question and answer section that may allow you all to know a bit more about me in addition to what you find here in my journal posts. 

  *****************************  

I just had the unpleasant news that my photos were being used for the creation of an iligitimate profile. While I have already reported this profile, my concern was with this situation calling into question the validity of my own profile. Therefore I want you all to know the following:

I only have one profile on this site, this one,

I only ever use the screen name voxvexvortex on any site I do use,

I can produce many more photos of myself not listed on the site which would be impossible for an imposter,

and last when comfortable with someone I am not against turning on my webcam to show I am as I appear to be.

It is laughable anyone thought they might be able to pass themselves off as me..... whoever you are just try it, you'll never be as good a me as I am.

I have to say a site like this can do without these types of individuals. They certainly are not respectable enough to deserve the title Dom/Domme to recieve anothers submission and are low enough there submission would be of no true value to any Dom/Domme of worth.
Honestly, why would one bother with a run down nag when one can handle a purebred in it's prime?

As for all of you who have been writing to me, my heart is with you all. I thank you for all your support as you have all been wonderful at welcoming me to the site and making my first experiences here very pleasant. I am sure this incident will pass soon.
A more positive post will be forthcoming. 

  *****************************  

I had wanted to post daily, yet an unexpected personal situation has left me without the time to dedicate to properly write a full post. In place, I am leaving this small note to let you all know I will try to make up for this in content in my next post.
For now I will leave you all with a small portion of an old entry from a handwriten diary I keep.

...could she ever find a word that would even begin to express how it felt to be near him, to drown in the scent of him, shaken by the sound of his beating heart, aching to be his, his every curve of flesh and bone her precious temple where she wished to kneel in weeping prayer, ecstasy and awe, the sound of his breathing rushing over her in waves pushing her ever closer to the realms in her mind where passions reach an electric coalescence where self ceases and two bind into a perfect singular, lying here next to him in darkness, mutely begging for his hands to roughly press into her, marking her, bending her to his will, to his desire, her heart would pound heavy only to be met with silence....

  *****************************  

I have been asked by several what I find physically atractive in a man. I must admit that there is so much for me outside of physical appearance which must have some form of chemistry between myself and another that apperence does not take high priority when considering all the characteristics  I am seeking in a man. 
I would say if there was one trait having to do with appearence which does rate high with me it would be dress. Sloppy, ill fitting clothing is a huge turn off for me. This is not to say the clothing must be of a particular style or even expensive just neat, clean and appropriate. Although I will add I hate messy, falling-down jeans with flip flops. I do not understand who thought it was alright to be seen in public this way, but unless your homeless and asking for spare change you might not want to approach me in this kind of attire.
Aside from this there are some physical traits I do find attractive, some of them may be considered a bit unusual, yet these do not for me make or break  my ability to respond to a man as attractive or not. Again there is much more important things a man has to offer, yet since I was asked by several I will post it here for all.
I do not particularly care for taller men, and by that I mean 6' and above. I am unsure why I have this preference but I have always prefered men between 5'6" and 5'10". 
I prefer larger noses, I know this one sounds a bit odd. I rememeber back to my first sexual stirings when I was just moving into my teens. My first sexual atraction, unlike most girls of my time, was not for a modern day rock star. The first wave of attraction to flood over me came with two accounts, one being a picnic scene in the movie The company of wolves  concerning a character called simply the huntsman and the second a small photo in a history book of a painting done of a young mozart. A bit older the same wave came over me when I found  an old block print of Donetaine De Sade as a young man. Later in life my love of Baudlaire's writing had me falling even for pictures of him as a young man. I believe my infatuation with the larger european nose was forever set by these impressions.
In addition, I like well defined somewhat square jaw lines.
I also prefer glasses over contacts any day. There is something about a guy in glasses that I find incredibly attractive although I have never quite understood why.
Outside of that I am not fond of men who are overly built. I have a great respect for those who can shape there bodies through body building yet at the same moment do not find this body type attractive or arousing. I especially find bulky arms to be a large turn off and  rather unattractive. 
I do have a tendency to like men with definition to their thighs and buttocks, not overly built as I mentioned, just some decent shape or curve to them.
My last preference gets a little more personal than even the previous, I tend to prefer men who are uncircumcised. That's right, and to tell you the truth of it, this one has to do with my extreme oral fetish. Something about oral performed on such a man feels better, is more arousing and somewhat easier.
I suppose this is all I can say about physical attributes I find any attraction to, yet again these are not of high priority to me in what I am seeking. If I am able to find all else I seek in a man in concern to his intelligence, creativity and ambition, even if he lacks all physical traits I tend to prefer, I would still find him very attractive.
For me it all really begins with the mind. 

  *****************************  

You all must know I do travel to other places outside of Chicago very often. I am originally from California and return there visiting both northern and southern areas having family and friends in both.
I also have family in Las Vegas I visit, though not quite as often as California where I travel nearly every other month.
Keep this in mind when thinking of contacting me as these are the only areas you will find me if you ever wanted to meet in person, providing of course we have reached that point in our getting to know each other.
Understand I have absolutely no intentions of relocating at this time, my ambitions career and educational objectives are very important to me and I have no desire to forsake them in pursuit of this lifestyle. I believe both can easily exist hand in hand and what I wish to accomplish requires me to stay in my current location.
I f we are ever to see one another regularly you must be in or near Chicago (IL), San Francisco (CA) or Orange County (CA) areas. If you are not located in any of these areas our relationship can never go beyond a simple correspondence.
I always apprieciate the kind and helpful word yet my ultimate goal here must be remembered for I am interested in taking the time to get to know and trust someone I can eventually spend real time with making my fantasies a reality. 

  *****************************  

So as I promised to delve into the world of me and what brought me here,
I begin with this post .

Many have asked in various ways what my motivations are for my attraction to this particular path, as one might refer to it.
I will try my best to put this into words...

In ever aspect of my being I am naturally a giver and nurturer. It lead me to my work as a RN and further has pushed me on to my current striving for my masters to become an OT. I am only ever truly happy when I am in some why helping or doing for others.
This translates heavily throughout every aspect of myself and my life so much so it effects even my sexual experiences. I have found in the small amount of experiences I have had, I am completely unable to become aroused nor reach any form of satisfaction without the key component of bringing pleasure to another and in turn being desired for it. There is no finding pleasure for myself alone and only in pleasing another am I set free.
This has made my life unusual and difficult in some respects. I am completely incapable of any form of self stimulation and have never been able to achieve any arousal or reach satisfacton on my own.
This places me in a unique position of trully being naturally submissive in all respects of my relationships .
Which has also left me with a lack of relationships over my lifetime. Due to being an incredibly timid person and finding it difficult to find the traits in another whoich would lead them to properly recieve all I wish to give has left me with only ever having three lovers. This has  resulted in my being far inexperienced in a way I am embarassed by, simply by the fact that it is important for me to know and understand how to please another. Wanting to know exactly how to please another is why I adore being told what to do, not out of some craving to be a mindless robotic object as I am far from mindless, as it allows me to know that I am doing exactly what is wanted and therefore pleasurable. Knowing I am doing what is pleasing and a man enjoying what I can provide is what I find arousing, so this is a very quick, simple and sure way to my own pleasure.
This all taken into account one might say there really is no choice in lifestyle involved here if I  am to find any true happiness. I need another who without taking improper advantage can direct and educate me in the ways of their pleasure to set me free. I must give myself completely as it is in my nature to do so.

I hope this begins to shed some light into who it is you see here before you. I will continue to share in my upcoming posts.
If you have specific questions you are always welcome to email me, please do have some patience with me as it may take a bit of time to respond.

  *****************************  

Wow! Is almost all I can say or maybe Whoa! to the sheer volume of email I have been receiving. Since it is nearly impossible for me to answer every email I wanted to at least post this to say that so far this has been a very positive experience for me. Just in the short time here the kind words of support in my pursuit has been overwhelming and encouraging at the same time. I do hope to get back to many of you.
Either way, I am sending my kindest regards to those who have writen me and thank you all for taking the time to reach out to me.
In addition, I have decided to try to address some of the questions I have been asked in my many emails here in my posts to make things a bit easier as it seems I am asked many of the same questions multiple times. These being something most seem to be interested in knowing made it important enough for me to post here for all. I will begin in my next post.
Again Thank you all, and hello from the new girl. 

  *****************************  

Being completely new to this site I wanted to let everyone know a bit more about myself. I had been working for sometime as a fulltime RN and have recently decided to return to the university for my masters to become an OT specializing in sensory integration therapy.
Outside of work and education I tend to be a very creative person and even have a background in costuming. Having worked with several theatre groups in my past has allowed me the talents to create all of my own corsets, as I am nearly obsessed with the feeling of thier constriction.
Physically I have quite a few pluses and minuses one might say. While for my hieght and wieght I am quite curvy having a natural 36G bustline and a small waist. I do have a rather large scar down the length of my back, my one true flaw, due to a rock climbing accident many years past. I like to be very up front with this one, if a scar is unattractive to you, I am not the girl for you. 
There is of course so much more to me and as I settle in here I will continue to write more including the good stuff , where I will address many of my fantasies I would like to make a reality and a more direct account of what I am looking to accomplish with myself sexually.
For now if you want to know more specifics you will have to write me with your questions. 

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