VosVadumSupplex

Reading back through my journal I realized that what I have written is mostly my thoughts and ideas. A psychological walk through the recesses of my mind. While I hope that it is revealing it does not begin to explain how I got to where I am today both physically and mentally nor where I plan to go in the future.

I was widowed in October of 2009. We had 21 years together. It was a hell of a journey. I have always been a rolling stone. It was no big deal to pick up and move across the country or half way around the world. Alaska, South America, too many places to list in the US. Government contracting will do that to you I suppose.  After her death I moved back to Guam (2^nd time here). Been here almost 2 years now. Not sure if I was running to something or running away. Needless to say I went through a rough period for a while. It is amazing what time, distance and throwing yourself into your work will do. Needless to say, I had to learn to clean house, cook and wash my own clothes. Necessity dictated that I get pretty good at it. I will admit to having cheated in some cases and hired a housekeeper on occasion. At least I was smart enough to pay attention and learn. Unfortunately I never considered it when I was younger. Gave me a new appreciation of my wife and anyone that has domestic duties. And yes, I still HATE it! I will never feel it is a man’s place or duty to keep house.  But it was learn or live in a dirty house and wear dirty clothes and that was NOT going to happen. I have been in 1 relationship since. She was very submissive and would have made an excellent slave given a little time. We parted ways due to her moving for a new job. We still keep in touch, and I try to look out for her and help when I can.

I still do government contracting, although I am planning to change that next spring. (Sooner than that if they piss me off enough…) I am planning to return to Alaska around next April. My family has a small gold mine near Coldfoot and my father has been trying to get me to take it over for a while now. I hesitate only because I hate the Alaskan winters. I was basically able to work a deal with him to work the mine during the summers and the plan is to live in the Philippines or some other tropical clime during the worst of the winter. That is the plan anyway. I certainly know how plans can go…. It is because of my future plans and current distance from civilization that I have really curtailed my search for a long term relationship. I have stated before that I am not one for a long distance/on-line relationship. I don’t think I would even know how to be honest. I am much too physical and want to get my mind and fingers into you. That doesn’t mean that I am not willing to try, I just don’t know how to make it work. With the right person I would be willing to relocate someone, but it would take a lot of convincing that you could deal with small south pacific islands and then remote minesites, grizzly bears and cranky miners.

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I find it interesting (and sad) that so many people, both male and female, think that BDSM is really nothing more than rough sex or a kinky scene. That they have no idea of the depth of relation, the intensity and the level of commitment possible. How do you explain to someone that you can administer a physical punishment and both view it as cathartic? That the mind is an awesome play place? At least for me, I find the mind to be the most sensual, and powerful part of the body. I love the mental and psychological aspects of BDSM (and life). I find it incredibly seductive to learn the thought processes, ideas, and the possible why’s of how a person thinks and how that affects behaviors, desires, needs and wants of people. Primarily submissives and slaves of course. The correlation between nature and nurture. That we are the product of both genes and experiences. That if I can meet the needs and wants of the mind the body is mine to play with. Understand that I know I cannot “fix” anyone, nor do I pretend to try. My attraction to the mind is as a learning experience and as a tool. I want to know how and why someone feels the way they do, and use that knowledge to intensify, strengthen and broaden the relationship and the experience. It really does not matter the type of submissive or slave that someone might be. It is still the mind that determines ones wants, needs and desires. And yes, it takes a lot of trust to bring out and discuss the secrets we keep buried and locked away.

In the few moments that I am allowed to myself, I cannot help but to self- reflect. Who I am, How I am and even why I am “this” way. Maybe it’s the old argument of nature verses nurture. I am pretty certain that it is fairly wasted time, well spent.  It is really not that I care. I easily accept that I am, all of the above. I am quite proud of all that I have done. I have many regrets but am ashamed of nothing I have done. Not sure how many people can honestly say that.

I know I do not like the term “master” (and I refuse to capitalize it). Not sure that I like the term “dominant” either. I realize that “alpha male” probably is the most descriptive but I find it difficult to say or use casually. I guess it is probably because of how and where I was raised. Back then, everything that now makes someone a dominant was what made someone a “man”. The term “man” meant a lot more back then than it does now I guess. Maybe it would have been capitalized? And while it may show my age, I can still remember my father and grandfather making business deals worth thousands of dollars with nothing more than a handshake. If a man’s word was not good he was nothing, and his reputation was built upon his word being all that was needed, on how he ran his household, on his work ethic and on how he carried himself. He knew how to ride, shoot straight and speak the truth and he earned the respect of his community. He was held accountable for the company he kept, and the behavior of his wife and children. It did not matter if he was the poorest man in the county he was respected. I can honestly say that the 50’s type household was alive and strong in the 70’s and 80’s in small town/rural west Texas. While being bred and raised among “Men” no doubt contributed to dominant tendencies, I am not sure where my BDSM tendencies came from. The darker sexual desires. The desire for a woman to submit completely, to use her mind and body as I see fit.  I take pride that I can and do provide immense pleasure, comfort and protection and I see no contradiction in that.

I do not seek perfection, far from it actually. I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes. I only hope that I learned from them and have gained wisdom from the experience. I do not even seek "my" perfect sub/slave. It has been my experience that when something is perfect we soon take it for granted. I am not a "knight in shining armor". I do not consider myself a "Master" (I really dislike the term...) I am used to Sir, as it was how I was raised. I am not afraid of someone with low self esteem or even bi-polar. I have been fortunate enough to have had a relationship where both had to be overcome and managed. It gives me great pleasure and pride to take that which society (and self) does not understand, and would condemn or at least shun, and bring out the beauty, the grace and the servitude. To transform, to see grow and blossom. To replace shame with pride, and disrespect with honor. To show her that her mind, her body, and her submissiveness are a gift. To both herself and her master. It is from this that I get my greatest joy. To see her seated at my feet and be able to say " Well done". Knowing it was done out of desire to please, built upon trust, faith and love. That she knows only in her belonging is she truly free. That the past, and what may have happened in it, despite making us who we are today, does not have to dictate who we are tomorrow.

If "Man" seeks the most dangerous of playthings, "woman", what does "woman" seek?  Does she also seek that spark or fire in a relationship? Even if she knows she may get burned? Does passion and excitement compete with the basic tenants of food, shelter, protection and stability? Where does structure (outline, guidelines and expectation) fall with in the realm of need in the relationship? Is it not the latticework that ties and cements the ethereal aspects of passion and excitement to the mundane of the stability and sheltering? If passion is exemplified by intensity, with a twinge of fear, does stability have a dampening affect on it? I mean this in the sense that "stability" implies a sense and feeling of "known". You are able to predict the level or intensity of action or reaction, the majority of the time and this level is rarely excessive. Even if this is true, could you not use the "structure" to prolong, control and even enhance the intensity? This would require recognizing, and manipulation of the structure of the relationship. A planned evolution, so to speak. Or is this too "unnatural" or "machine" like to be healthy in the terms of a relationship?

It is written that Faith is the basis of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Faith is what drives us to continue searching for something the world has told us does not exist or that we cannot have. It is what compels me to continue to search for MY submissive. The one meant to be mine. Mine to need, to protect, to provide for, to teach and to guide. To know her mind and her body better than she does. To watch her grow and to blossom, until perfected in beauty and grace, she is not only who she wants to be, but who she was meant to be.

            I say that a wise man merely helps direct the natural flow or grain of the clay, paring away that which burdens and covers what god has already created. In truth, is that not what training does in so many cases? Remove the burdens, doubts, fears and societal ideals forced upon us since childhood? To be shed of these things is to stand as God created us, to perform our role to the best of our abilities and to take pride in who we are and the role we play. Mine, as a rock or pillar, to provide security, comfort, direction, and protection from life's storms. Yours to provide comfort, peace, grace and pleasure to a world that knows so little of these things. Is your submission sufficient to match my strength? Can you serve with respect and dignity bringing honor to us both? It does not matter who you were, or what you have done in the past. Only that you look from this point forward. Can you do this?

            Know that I seek flesh and blood, soft skin under my fingertips. I do not have time for games, but will spend as long as necessary to get to know you, if I know you are serious. To build trust and faith, the foundation of any strong relationship.   

            Know that I will stand as an equal to any man, or I will not stand at all. That I will lay down my life for those under my protection, my honor is their fortress, and my strength is their shield. My honor and my integrity shall not be disrespected nor disgraced. Can you be worthy? It matters not what you have done, but what you shall do. Not who you were, but who you can become. Know that I desire one who can come to know her heart, her mind and her passions. Her desires as great and as dark as my own. To submit. To serve. To love. And by her submission, honored. By her service, needed. By her beauty, desired. Can you be worthy? Is your gift of submission sufficient, that I would give my life to protect? My rod to correct and by my hand lifted up? What say you?

 I had a previous profile for almost 3 years until CM apparently decided I didn't need it any more. My apologies to all I had been conversing with.

To be quite honest, I am not sure why I am here. I am leaving Guam in April of 2013 to take over the family business in Alaska. I am not into on-line only relationships and do not know if I should continue to look for someone or not. Alaska is hard on people and even harder living in the Alaskan bush. Not much in the way of amenities. Summer is great but winter makes you earn it.

I spent roughly the last 2.5 years looking for "the" sub. Again, honestly, I am rather tired of looking. I think that I may well stop actively looking and maybe she will just fall in my lap:) I have met some really great people here and I wish them all the best. I will certainly keep this new profile up and running and I will be on often I am sure. I would love to hear from friends old and new. If you get a chance drop me a line.

Keep it sane and keep it safe.

LBD