VeronicaRouge

I am 95% sure one of my ex's stole a pair of my underwear and has a pic up of him, in them.  This is both amusing and disturbing to me.

Went to a small gathering of kinky people and Alex joined.  It was tame but fun.

BIGGG party this coming weekend.  Weeee.

I'd rather go to the city to an interrogation class than my current plans.

I need hugs.

I feel like sometimes things are not said that should be said.  I guess that is part of life.

Shake shake shake.

Blahhhhhhhhh.

Yayy, I was finally able to borrow internet long enough to write an entry!  YAYYY.  Let me give a summary of what has been going on.

-No internet in new place.

-Had a grand old time with the boy and Mistress Howl a few weeks ago.  I probably need something like that again.  I am getting a bit antsy.

-Going to volunteer at Brimstone.  Sorta excited about that.  I am gonna try to find a bed and breakfast to stay (do they even have those in NJ??).  Either that or I will have to be creative.  Ha.

-Possibly going to a class on psychology, reward and punishment.  SUPER excited about that if I can go.  I love those sorts of brain and people things.

-Started talking to the former toy.  We are now on good terms.  It's nice to see he is doing really well.  It's funny...I hopped on his fl page and I see he has recently been quite active with one of the things that I kinda shake my head at.  I guess it's all fun and games.

-It's still bad decision month and I haven't made any bad decisions in a while.  Hmmm, maybe I will get a little crazy this week as next week I will be overwhelmed with work.  Bad decision month happens when I am bored with myself.  Or I need a little craziness in my life.  Or something to stir up things.

-Yep, definitely craving kink.  

-I was taking about this with Alex but I thought I would write about it.  I use to have a few people that I would regularly hang out with and attend parties.  Although it was fun to have a few people to play with, I am definitely much happier with one, whom I can be vanilla and not vanilla with, in a relationship.  I wish I could see him more than sporadically, but that's life.  We are both busy people.

-Okay, I really really want something kinky to happen.

-There is a baby next door.  It is LOUD.

I was going to write a story about an incident which I found "interesting" with a vanilla friend.  Since I am sorta hashing out a few things, I will save that for another day.

It's funny, my friend and I were talking about how when I get stressed that I start wanting to get rid of things or do things that are somewhat drastic.  At times, I am an all or nothing kind of person.  Lately, I can't tell if I really want kink or if it's the stress getting to me.
I miss the public scene.  Around this time last year, I was at one of the more intense parties I ever went to.  It was one of those no rules private parties.  I was surrounded by three of my (hot) darlings (at the time).  I remember feeling like I was on top of the world.  I had a few really hot scenes, and I remember being really into people watching me enjoy myself...almost like a live show.  It's funny...top space makes me feel vibrant and good.  When I go into top space in public, it's vibrant, good and then some.  I don't know why it feels better in public....perhaps it's because I am usually surrounded by people that I want to be around in addition to a place where I am accepted for me...and I don't have to hide in the privacy of my home.  That...or something!

Craving kink again.  Blah blah.  Must wait to see my sunshine boy.
SO much is going on and I am super busy all the time, including with work.  I am grateful for that. 

I crave rope...I crave the sound of a gasp....I crave those beautiful eyes, looking up at me...I crave the boy, lost in subspace....

It's funny, I feel like kink is some sort of weird addiction.  I am okay without it for a while, then when I want it, I can't stop the thoughts.  I suppose I crave it for the "high" top space.

I still can't figure out why I like intensity so much.  I wonder what draws me to it?

What an absolutely amazing weekend with my boyfriend, Alex.  Hahaha.  I must say, I am shocked that I can say that I met him on here.  Weird!

We went to Boston.  Every aspect of it was amazing.  I really enjoyed the vanilla and kink blend.  There was fun with canes and speech restrictions.  We also had what looked like vanilla fun in the pool.  Hahaha.  Dolphin play.  :-P

I enjoyed the sweet parts too.
It's nice to be on the same page and share things with someone else.  It's also nice to connect with someone well and be able to ravage each other.  You know...with intensity.  :-)

A few things

*Got a set of rattan canes which I LOVE LOVE LOVE.  All different thicknesses and lengths.

*Finally closed on my new place.  I am a home owner.

*I got to use my new canes on my dear Alex.  It was funny, he said he wanted a number.  I gave him 79 as the number.  Hahahaha.  

*Home renovations are EXHAUSTING.  Getting the floors redone this week.  I have to paint.

*Going to Boston with Alex.  The things I have planned for him should be fantastic.  Muhahahaha.  

Life is great...but I still have a bit to go to make things better.

<3

Getting kinda antsy without kink in my life.  The boy is away this week.  My living situation does not permit me to have people over.  I am not playing with others.  ::Insert more lack of kink bitching and moaning here::
The good things are, I have a roof over my head.  My living expenses are low.  I have seen my best friend almost every day since last week.  I feel vibrant (due to being around people most of the time).  I forgot what it was like to be social and active.  Ohhh, if I could bring kink into this, I think I would be at the top of the world.
I look forward to sensuality.  I look forward to intensity.
I look forward to hearing the sound of the cane whip through the air.  Watching his body tense.  Hearing him gasp.  Seeing the red line rise on his cute butt.

So hot.

So.  In exchange for helping me move, I allowed Alex to top me (he's a switch).  I warned him that I am not a bottom.  We started on the phone.  I showed him the "bratty" side of me, questioning everything he told me to do.  That was kinda fun.  

After he did actually help me move the following day, I let him top me in person.  We started with rope.  I guided him on how to tie me up.  I sorta had Tyrannosaurus rex arms which amused me.  He made a leash of sorts to pull me around.  At one point he threw me in my closet and had me stay there for a little while.  He said all this stuff and hit and smacked me a few times etc etc.  Main point was I was really bored so I guess I had this bored look on my face the entire time.  Anyway, after doing a few other things to me, he untied me and told me we were done.  I was confused because I was ready to take a LOT more. 

When we talked about it, he told me that I had broken him.

It's quite frustrating and upsetting when someone offers to help move and then they back out at the last minute.  It makes me want to tear their ass apart, in a non-fun sort of way. As it is, I am super stressed about this move.

I am not where I want to be on so many levels.  

"Everything in life is a phase."  I must remember this.

Moving is an absolute disaster, especially when you don't know when you can move.  

So, who wants to help move me on Sunday?  Hahaha.

NSA Moving help?  Is that a fetish???

So I broke my cane last night.  OOPS.  Hahaha.  Anyone have any suggestions for a new one?

Yes, it was a good night.

Today is my 29th birthday....Alex is here, doing work.  Although he is busy, I am really glad he is here.  I think tonight is gonna be realllllly fun.  He is being such a good boy, after I tortured him for a few days (as he reminded me multiple times, 3 days, 2 nights).  Tee hee.

I think I surprised him a little bit when he got here.  Hehehe.  Keeping people on their toes.  :-)

Life is good.  It's really good.  

It's nice when I write about something that I want and I finally get to share it with someone.

Oh, for all who asked, Alex will be my only.  And no, you cannot replace him.  And no, you can't join us.  :-P  

It's my birthday this weekend and I am really looking forward to seeing Alex.  Yay!

I thought that I stopped receiving messages from people on here because I write about Alex so much.  It turns out that EVERYONE'S messages (even real life friends) are in my "Bulk Mail" folder.  Like over 200 unread messages from months ago.  Crazy!  With that written, I have some writing to do.

I had the most awesome weekend with Alex.  He is absolutely wonderful.  He is SUCH a good boy.  I finally felt the intensity that I have been craving.  It was delightful, delicious and beautiful.  It is so nice to have a connection with someone and share something so special.  

I could write about the exact details of what happened, a play by play of the details of the HOT scenes we had.  Those are not important to me.  It was how deep in subspace he was, it was how high I was off of Domme space, it was the amazing emotional connection. 

I have seen this happen in me and now others...when starting out there were a TON of things I would "never do."  Never say never is accurate.  Now they are some of my favorite things.

Another wonderful weekend where I got to see the boy.  We had a bit of *fun* at karaoke.  Lots of fun after that.  There was rope.  I think that things may start to get a bit intense soon...

After looking through my "Who's Viewing Me?" section, I noticed that there are a ton of hot men in pictures (but not hotter than Alex) that are looking at my profile.  NONE of them are from NY or the local area.  What is up with that?  Is it that when these men create their profiles, they are all extremely hot or do they do a google search on "hot man in towel" and put up that picture?  

I am keeping this profile so I have a "kinky journal" which I don't have to hide from some people.

July has 31 days.  Since today is July 3, that means I have 28 days to figure stuff out.  I will keep this updated as a reminder.

Lots of holiday things this weekend, including 2 bbq's - one today and one tomorrow.  I had a mini one yesterday. 

Hmmmmm.  I want ropey fun time.  Or at least play time.  Or fun time.  Weee.

So I finally met him after 9 months.  The one that I thought would just be another guy that stops talking to me because we didn't necessarily have the same exact interests.  The one that seemed to be so worried and nervous about going outside of the box at first.  After talking to him for a while, I realized that he is a good guy that is creative, straightforward and a total sweetheart.

When we met, my first impression was, alright, let's see where this goes.  As I chatted with him more and more, I began to realize, wow, this dude is really awesome.  I started to feel the chemistry.  

Lately, I have had no actual drive to actually play or go to parties.  I desire the *concept* of intensity.  I thought I was pretty much done with the kinky scene.  Dipping a toe in the slightly intense water showed me just how good it could conceptually be as I had forgotten (since I let go of my last sub).  I tried a few times with different people.  I wasn't really into it with any of them.  I now realize that my drive to play intensely with "the right person," whoever that may be, is much more important than just playing with people I know....or people that I have played with before.  It's the connection that makes such a difference and makes the feeling so much stronger.  

You know....everyone needs "the right person" to have a D/s dynamic with.  Obviously.  Choo choo.

So what exactly are "Admirers" and what are they admiring?  And if they are doing so, then why don't they write to me????  Maybe it means admiring from a distance.  Maybe I need to sleep!

Sometimes I forget that people don't know me and don't understand my sarcasm.  It's okay.  I am amused.

Life is so interesting these days.  I am sure everything will end up just fine.  :-)

I have to say, I appreciate nude artistic photos as much as the next person.  As a matter of fact, in college, I took nude photos of others.  On the other hand filling your profile with your "cock shots" makes me roll my eyes.  Yes, I see you have a 14 inch penis as thick as a coke bottle, but don't you have anything else that you want to show?  Do you really have to take a picture of it at every angle possible in life?  Are you trying to impress someone?  Do you even know how to use said 14 incher?  You don't???  Well, that's a shame.  A wasted piece of meat!

I wonder how many women look at these "cock shots" and say to themselves, "gosh, he's hung like a horse!  I want him to be my top/bottom!"  

I guess that's like when dudes text me a picture of their naughty bits and ask, "What do you think?"  I want to reply, "I think your an idiot for taking pictures of yourself when I am not interested in seeing that in person!"  Instead, I say something diplomatic, as to save face, such as, "Having fun?"

If I was super interested in seeing your nakie parts, perhaps I would engage in some sort of thing where you'd be naked.

WHY MUST YOU VIOLATE MY EYES?!?!?!?

Hahahaha.

I crave intensity.  CRAVE.

I have been mostly out of the public scene as of lately.  I went to an all day BDSM 201-ish class recently and it was amazing.  It gave me a high for a few days.  
It's funny, I have a strong desire to have intense, draining, fulfilling play time, yet have been avoiding all public parties.  I guess it's because I don't have a partner with whom I feel I have a strong connection with.  Yes, playing with friends is fun, but does not necessarily give me what I desire.

I think there is something good happening, but not sure yet.  I like to keep it close, yet somewhat at a distance.  I feel like the potential is there, yet not what may be good for me.

I'll wait....

So...I am posing a question.  If this site is filled with "fakes" and people that just want money, then why are there so many people on it?  There must be real people.  Also, if one channel is not working, why not try another?

In other news, I am looking again for someone to fill my dance card.  Oh yes.  A non committed committed relationship.  HA!

I hate being underestimated.  I hate it when people deviate from the truth and I can tell that their story doesn't match up.  I hate it when people try to protect me by lying.

In other news, I got a message from someone today.  It's a "coincidence."

Breathe in, breathe out.  Let go.

I like writing in this journal because I don't have to censor myself.  It's not posted all over that I wrote an entry.  

I like when people say, "i am looking for the right mistress to serve."  Why wouldn't you be looking for the right mistress.  It just seems obvious to me that you would be looking for the right person.  

On many of the male Dom's on this website, I see "naturally dominant."  What does that mean?  You are naturally an asshole?  Hahahaha, don't get your panties in a twist.  It's a joke.  But really, what does "naturally dominant" mean?  Does that mean you are confident?  

I am naturally me.  Always.

"She's Just Not That into You"
Not sure if it's the selection....or if it's because I miss someone.

Spain in 9 days!!!!!!!  WOO.

Everything happens for a reason.  If things are meant to be, they will be.  Or at least that is what I like to tell myself.  Haha.  So cliche!

I will be out of the country in less than a month.  SO excited.  Gosh.  I can't wait.

I mean this in the most loving way buttttt...I am so amused when I see someone that has a Dom profile and a sub profile with the same pic.  Ummm...does that make you a secret switch?  Heh?
Work has been insane.  I like it and hate it.
This should be an interesting week.  Hmmm.  New people....

Off to the far far north with no access to the internet.  YAY! 

A much better day.  I guess sometimes really cheesy disney song clips make me smile. 
BTW, the show 17 Kids and Counting freaks me out.

***Do things because you want to, not because you are told to.*** 

Always changing, always growing, always learning.  Life is good.

Just got back from Central NY...amazing time...rock star weekend...wish I could live there but it's too far from here. 

Electricity runs through my body...the touch...

Why do they come crawling back?  Sigh sigh.

I think there is a lot of fear of being submissive on this website.  For many, it's just a fantasy...and that's fine. 
I wish there was more honesty in this world.  I would have a lot more respect for the person saying, hey this is a fantasy for me, i don't know if i will ever actually go through with this.