vandoll

I spent last night counseling a submissive who is thinking about leaving her collar. She expressed such complete devotion to her Dominant but doubt in his ability to hold her was creating a space for her leaving.

It can be so beautiful, the devotion that slaves/submissives offer their Dominants. The complete adoration. How the D/s container is often played out with many Dominants/Masters giving and withholding their attention. How attention is given by the whim and pleasure of the Master. Every scene. Every stroke. Every orgasm. Every spanking. Every hug. Every decision.

And how the submissive often waits, attentively....sitting at the feet of the Dominant - watching the plate, wondering when the hand will come down and put a morsel in their mouths. The taste of that morsel can be like no other for the submissive, and the pleasure of giving it or withholding it - a delicious moment for the Dominant.

I have watched this. I have been this. This dance of D/s that is played out in all of it's forms and configurations. How the needs of D and s plays out in this dance of giving and receiving power, intimacy and surrender. It can be the most beautiful exchange in the world when D and s meet each other exquisitely in desire.

I have seen a submissive accept the unacceptable in their devotion. I have been that submissive.

And here is the thing. If you give your submissive reason to doubt your adoration of their service, if you give your submission reason to doubt your heart; your submissive will eventually leave. They will take their love and walk away, because it is their love for the Dominant that enslaves them. It is the trust in their love being returned that holds them. If your submissive can't feel your love, your container, your desire, your support - that submissive will be out the door with your collar left at your feet. It may take time. Your submissive may even pay someone like me to help them sort out their heart. Your submissive if they are deeply into service will test your container many times. They will check to see if it is their resistance showing up or your lack of attentiveness to the container that is the issue.

Your container is your power, doubt in the heart of your submissive can be your undoing.

You can't make me happy. All those little things you do, that's not the cause of happiness. I hate to come along and rain on our relationship parade, but that's not your job. My happiness is my responsibility.

Think of yourself as an amplifier. You don't make the music; you turn up the volume. You have the ability to boost or cut frequencies. You can scoop out the mids like a bad day at work, or you can kick the bass in overdrive when you drag me out on a Saturday night. You probably have a greater deal of effect on the output people perceive than you know, but you don't create it. My happiness is my responsibility, and while you can change the perception output you shouldn’t really change what is creating it.

I'm not saying that I don't love how I feel when you are around; I do. My serotonin and dopamine levels go through the roof when we are together. The issue is if I become dependent on you for that state of happiness and those magic brain chemicals are at decreased levels when you are absent. You become the substitute for playing Frisbee in the park, a warm fire and hot coffee on a rainy night, my favorite book and a bottle of wine, succeeding at a project, et al. Those things that used to make me happy no longer would, because I have allowed you to be come their replacement.

Emotional dependence on another person – it’s like a serotonin hostage situation. That's the state when people start making life decisions based on momentary emotions. You simply cannot be my happiness. If you and I start checking off those bucket list things and you aren't around… Imagine backpacking to Machu Pichu only to sigh and wish that you knew how to enjoy the life you are living. That's what could happen if I let you be my source of happiness. Think of the relationships that may come after you. They won't be able to elicit the same response because some how I’m allowing you to hold my happiness hostage. I feel like I’ve been pistol whipped every time something else tries to elicit that same emotional response.

Do you see why you can't make me happy? It's dangerous. It has the potential to be life altering. Instead of focusing my world around you, what you want to do, your likes and favorites, let's share the things we enjoy. It's a novel idea, right? Didn't we learn how to do this in kindergarten? You know what would be even better? Those common interests we talked about all the time when we first started dating; let's share those. Mountain biking, D&D, hiking, taking cooking classes, learning French - all the stuff that we were so excited to share because it would be awesome to enjoy with someone who was getting as much out of it as the other.

Let’s stop trying to make each other happy and enjoy ourselves by sharing the things that do make us happy.