UnusualCharm

Have I lost everything I thought I had?

Happy New Year to you all! Think you have the wildest plans this year?

This afternoon I've come to a conclusion. That I am not being honest to myself. At first it was about the lifestyle, but it eventually turned into just a dating site. Now, that is not even why I keep a profile open. I simply keep a a profile open because I wanted to have a journal to vent. The kind of person I want to meet is not a CollarMe girl - but it is the laughter filled girl next door that I can truely be myself with. Label yourself one way and if you contradict it - you are a faker, a liar, a fraud. I claim nothing now, aside from seeking some small peice of happiness that I have not been able to find on my own.

Maybe I've been looking at things all wrong. Maybe I've been dilluding myself in thinking I can have all that I have wanted. Turn sideways and see perfection, but stand forward and see denial. Still wanting that first glance and laugh because that's not what they are.  Just needing to move on...

This is bad. I'm in a bridge burning mood tonight. I feel like destroying something beautiful. 

Happy Mothers Day! Ended up going out with family and visited my grandmother. Still one of the funniest people I know.

On another note, taking extra time off this week to relax. Got myself so leather pants so I'm kinda itching to see if I can find someone to hang out with and take a look at the Chicago scene. This lifestyle SOOOO does not blend with the lifestyle my parents brought me up under.

Ever take a moment to just peruse pictures and jornals? It's funny to see the ones that have about 12 pictures and all of them are the same pose. So serious! Ok, so there are definitely thinks to be taken seriously, but do you really want to no longer smile or laugh out of the silly concern of being called a faker?

Just a little respect, people. Not because you are who you are, but because you have earned the right to have it recognized.

Take a moment, would you? Please understand that I am not afraid but I don't believe  precious breaths should be wasted breathing in your poison. You blind me, you confuse me. You confound every sense of logic I ever knew. Perhaps that is why we worked so well together, because you could always keep me guessing. But your love, it was also left to question. Looking back on things, How easy was it to believe in misguided love. 

Take another moment...read deeper. Not all my journal is about me. Writing gives life to sentiment that is both my own as well as give voice to others I hear. Sentiments aside- currently seeking further inspiration while creating own. 

Not Interested...

I am not interested in a smile if it possesses no joy. 
I am not interested in beauty if they cannot find the beauty in all things.
I am not interested in your complaints when the important things are left forgotten.
I am not interested in your "I love you's" if you do not know what love is.
I am not interested in laughter if all it is to everyone is sarcasm.
I am not interested in the rope, the collar and titles if it does not bring us closer. 
I am not interested in falling in love because we want to fall in love.

...Not interested  

I am so proud of my pesche - and in all so odd of a time. We were grumpy last night, angry with our situations. So many commitments and so much that seems to hold us apart. I was worried she might bend, but far from it... I know now today that even after we disagree and want to feel down and want to be angry, in the end, all it has done is streangthen our relationship. I am a lucky Master, and I feel confident enough to say that now as I may not be an expert in things like BDSM, but I do feel the pride only a Master can know in holding the complete love and loyalty of a slave

Dom Vs. Everyday Life:

"Pesche, why didn't you wake Me up!?"     "I tried Master, three times! You just tossed pillow at me and told me not to disturb you. Did I do wrong?"     "..."     "I made breakfast for you, Master, since it looked like you would be late for work."     "sounds good - hey, do you know where my tie went? Did you put it away like I told you?"     (points to his neck where tie is already loosely dangling)     "looks like I won't hae enough time to enjoy your usual eggs and toast."    "no worries Master!" (grins brightly) "I made you pop-tarts!"    "Pop-tarts!? What do you think I am, a grade schooler?"     "uh-oh"     "What now?"     "Master probably won't like his lunch I packed him then"    (Walks over and looks in brown paper bag) "A juice box!?"      "Master DID ask for something healthier. Master would be so proud - I even sweetened it for you!" (winks)     "You I asked for chocolate pudding too."     "They were all out at the store - if you command me to, I'll run out right away and scourge the city for some"     "alright, alright pesche - I still love you" (mutters about that she should have at least found tapioca instead of vanilla) "I have to go now. Be good! (runs out door, being chased by girl with his lunch bag in hand)     "Wouldn't want my Master to starve, I wouldn't know what do do without him!"        

Thanks to some immature groups that have decided to take my picture and post it on their site without permission and decided to use it to defame me, I have to take my picture down. For future reference, if you want to post something that says I'm not a good dom, I have a crappy personality or whatever, fine. DO NOT, however use my picture in any way shape or form in connection with it though. I have a life outside of the lifestyle and would like to keep it seperate from my professional life. By taking my image without my knowledge, you are treading on dangerous ground. You have been warned!

Still very happy with my girl - we're still trying to work out the distance thing though. It's not easy living so far apart. There is so much I want to show her but I can't do it from here! Frustrating...but it will be well worth it in the end. Anyone else negotiating distance with someone? let me know!

Whoo! I'm so taken right now. Much love to you all but I think I might have found the girl I have been looking for.  Feel free to talk to me anytime, but I'm more than content with who I have. Ciao!

A new career, a new step, and much learned, yet for some reason I can't figure out how to get the bloody computer to change my font colors.  Anyhow, I could say the last weeks have been incredible. I've gone to some wild parties, met some great people and have a new sense of accomplishment. In fact, I've been so busy, I've not seen a computer, other than at work, for weeks. I've even met someone new in my life. She's pretty cool, rather laid back and fun to be around, but I feel something is missing. I'm pretty sure I know what it is too... I still crave this lifestyle, yet I already know without bringing up the topic of how she would feel toward it, that she would totally be turned off by the idea of it. I can't help but to dream what it would be like if she were, yet it's almost like cruel humor just to think about! Any suggestions as to how I should approach this subject, if even at all?

Been a tough day...one of those kind you want to erase and wish had never come...where you must make the decision of who to hurt when your past flame and current meet yet both seem as distant to you as the sun. I had to break a heart, had to deal with it, have to gather my strength and move on. Why is it that online life and real lives mix so tightly to choke at my neck? I will only settle in the end when I've rested my cheek on her cheek in person. Why is it that I must hurt someone? Some called it to show I'm strong, but I call it tragedy

subs and slaves are so frustrating at times! Why is it that I'm told they think the world of me, yet never respond to messages or phone calls? I think it's all games, and I'm terribly sick of it. Give me an oppertunity to show that sadism and romance can live hand in hand, but don't bother me to say you want to learn how when you can't even take the time to pick up a phone or to write back!

OK, for the record everyone, I'm totally cool with you messaging me with gripes, questions, concerns or just strait out of pure boredome because you've finally sifted through that nasty stack of e-mails you have there. I'm here as much to be of help as to find someone appropriate for me. That being said, Anyone have any good jokes or stories to tell?

Still alive, in a matter of speaking, though at times I wonder how much so. I've had so much happen in my life in the last few months that it's hard to know where to begin! Finished college, made a ton of new friends at an awsome new years party, even had to stay in the hospital two nights for a serious infection (my old house finally got the best of me and left that as a parting gift it seems). All in all though, I'd say I've been trying to live life to the fullest, though at times it is extremely hard. I've had little to no time to explore d/s in the past few months, and not having a computer at my ready disposal makes things quite difficult. I've also been in a relationship - sort of. We've nevwer met and only talked a bunch of the grander scheme of things, but for me, with 1,000 miles in between and no reassurances of more, I have found that the only way I can feel a part of the d/s world is by actively participating in it. I wonder when my time will come...It's an itch I just havn't had any way to scratch lately. We'll see. My sincerest best wishes to all of you seeking your amor and blessed New Year!

Welcome to another odd day in the life of Charm, and yes, more drama. Drama, play of fate and more to add to the universal comedy of life. So what now? How about to say that someone whome I felt would be the one for me would come to believe a vile rumor about me and decide she hated me with every breath? all in the space of one evening from being "her everything" to being her object of despise. Honestly, I don't know why people tend to believe rumors and the worst in a person before believing in them. I can say though that it is for the best to not have her play on the farce of words so that I would come to a greater commitment in my life after college. Fate would have it though that the very next day, I should be chatting and find a woman distressed and I would inquire and talk to her about what troubled her. Who would have known now that I'm involved again so soon! In ways, it makes me feel bad that I should jump so shortly into a new relationship, but I guess that guilt subsides when the last person you are with turns out to be a "pretty farce." Note to all- as beautiful your companion may be, no matter how pretty their words, still watch for signs of hidden regrets or doubts that indicate the person is not sure or not ready. I felt my sign with this person when she indicated she really wasn't sure she wanted to be a slave. I indicated that it is the person that matters, but she still felt I so wanted the lifestyle that I'de forgo the person. Really, why whould I want D/s if I don't have a person I care deeply for? for those that wish to criticize my Master skills and my Dom status, I say feel free- and I don't care. I'm here to discover myself and discover a person to discover with- not to prove how macho I am. The only things that upset me are when people call into question my character- those I take seriously as I believe all people need character (yes, character as a human being and not just as a dom or sub role). I can never stress enough how important it is to be a good person before being a good dom or sub.

When you fell down, I picked you up. When you hurt, your tears were dried on my shoulder. When you were lost, I showed you the way. When you were angered, my hand calmed you. Yet, despite all these things, you can never love me. 

"Where are we going?" she asks. 
"Where Nobody will find us."
"But why?"
"Must you ask so many questions of your Lord?"
"Will we be there soon?"
"Soon enough."    
"Master..."
"Yes?"                         
"I think Im happier than I've ever been in my life."          
                                 
"You won't be..."

Woke up this morning to sunshine and had a smile, ready for a refreshing shower. Now, I live in a fraternity type house anda few guys are left here over the summer with me, and one of them decided to write on the house markerboard a crude comment about me. I dunno if it was a joke he had or not, but it killed the smile on my face and immediately I was angry that this person would find it necissary to write such things about me. I was edgy then for my entire first class, still harping on in my mind how I could manage a way to make this person feel guilty. It wasn't untill I got back that I realized that this person would never feel guilt- they're just not that type. I'm sure all you know a person like this.The type of person that reminds you of that annoying high school jock or groupy. We've all had our share, and we were probably this person too to one person or another. I guess time helps us survive these wounds, but like an old wound, it will still show the scars of the mistreatment to give you a lasting impression of that person. So considering this, my lesson of the day has been to forgive, even if I can't forget

Talk to me again like you used to. Remind me of how special I was to you. Tell me that when you are near me you know things will be alright. It's like watching my life through a movie screen, wanting to warn Him that he's about to make a big mistake, that he's going to lose the girl, that the bad guy will win. If I were your hero though, your savior, I would have to have a happy ending though, wouldn't I? Hero's aren't supposed to feel like this...guilt, uneasiness, questioning their path, weary despite not having done some tremendous feat that others would awe over. I was once told two things that stuck with me concerning love and the illusion of the valient knight, which have given some reality to my long time image of chivilary (something I still believe in). First was that You cannot choose to fall in love and that you cannot foll in love simply because you want to. She was right. Wanting it just gives you all the wrong motives. Love simply IS. Second is that, she told me, "I don't want to be saved. Don't fool yourself into believing you will be my knight in shining armor, because I will only hurt you." In reality, as any determined man of heart would hear this they would want to give that person faith, show them love and be that savior, but again, why? True, it is for them you would do so, but how can love bloom when your intent is to prove a point? Don't be like I was and misjudge reasoning for love. you cannot reason it, again, it simply is. I've had to remind myself of this lesson several times as of late and will have to answer to myself, where does my future lay?

Another day, another journal...Does anyone ever read these? Perhaps. It's been months now..."Months since what?" you may ask. Months since I felt I had what I was looking for. "And what were you looking for?" Well, contrary to what you might believe, it wasn't a woman. Actually, it was my identity. I lost him, or it, however you want to look at the situation. You can say it was like forgetting my roots and getting caught up in the immediate plessures of the prospect of taking control, but you can say while I was taking on passangers, the boat had nobody at the wheel. Why is that? I made the cardinal mistake of thinking I could change myself slightly to help keep another happy while neglecting my own thoughts or needs....From there, things just got worse. I do hate messy breakups, don't you? 

where once there were roses, there are not now    
Where once there was singing, no voice now stirs    
Where once there was laughter, there was only you.    
Don't try to reason why, all the time you said you'de die. Don't want to smile and think-    
That the only reason was for you    
That the only thing that was true    
Was your smile.    
was Your smile     
So why?              

-OK, so some of you might be wondering, what is with this poetry like crap, huh? It's kinda long story. want to hear it? Gather around the campfire, wrap those blankets closer and I'll tell you of a woman that lost her way and despite all the men that tried to save her, be her prince charming, she could never come to allow it... never...Listen to me all you who read. Life is fleeting, but we are not dead yet. Use your days wisely for you never know when you migh be dealt the death or fool card from the deck. Trust me when I say that no matter how much pain you've endured, all it takes is one person, just one special person to wash away your sorrows and bring you your everlasting sunshine.

Hmmm...how about that, looks like I have a big house all to myself over summer. Now what can I do with that? ~wickedly grins~

Recently, I've been learning much of a terrible trend in the d/s community amongst both doms and subs, and that is that there are far too many that jump into the lifestyle without fully knowing about it and so they take a step forward, often times without hands to catch them when they stumble. The other day a friend told me a "dom" believed being dominant meant yelling and coercing a sub into obeying. This is a disturbing trend I've seen very often where subs end up in abusive relationships. On the other hand for subs, the knowledge required is a bit less, due to being trained by particular master/mistress prefferences, but still they must know what they are walking into. For all those subs out there, know that being owned or being a sub is a very large commitment not to be taken lightly. A common problem for both sides is of course walking into this world for the intimate moments. True, few or none of us here like vanilla, but we must all keep in mind that yes, it is a lifestyle. I just wanted to throw in my two cents on the issue and thank all for reading

PS, If you want to get to know my interests, all you have to do is ask. I'm tired of assumptions and misinterpretations due to what I once had