Just a spanking now and then would say a lot.  And I don't think it is asking much.

Happy Birthday to me.  My present isn't coming because what I want can't be bought.  Still  lonely even when I am not alone, still crying even when I shouldn't be and still waiting to hear things I know I will never hear.  Shutting down one piece at a time and hating who I am becoming.

When you just give love and never get love

You’d better let love depart

I know it's so and yet I know

I can't get you out of my heart

That is about how I feel right now, but I don't want to let my love depart.  

I have cried every night for the past three weeks without him knowing until last night.  He asked me what was wrong and I had to tell him nothing, of course he didn't believe me.

The reason I said nothing is because I have promised myself that I will not discuss this with him because he needs to figure it out on his own and he tells me I am putting pressure on him about this whole situation.  I know I was and I know that can make the situation worse.  So, this means I will not initiate any discussion or anything intimate with him, even if it means it is like this forever.

See even I am learning to do what others have done my entire life.  Ignore my feelings, wants and wishes and pave the road for the dreams of someone else.  Yeah, it leaves me feeling a little empty, but I don't know what else to do right now and sometimes empty is good because there is no feeling in empty.

Although, I wish he would take control of this and make things right.  I promised not to interfere with his methods though until he decides how to fix this.  Until then frustration, loneliness and heartache will be my constant companions.

Ugh, it is August and it is hot here.  Of course the temperature does not help my temper, but I can manage.  Ready to feel human again.

I don't even think the person most of this journal is meant for has figured it out yet.  I am sure I will hear about it when he does.

In reference to the post below I would not wish these feelings on anyone except for one person and I hope it eats this person alive.  I am spiteful enough to be okay with that.

I will be okay, I always make things okay for me.  I am just going to have to deal with things I would rather not have to deal with.

I know how to guard myself in this like always.  I am going to have to fall back on the fact that my wants and needs have never been important enough to be recognized by anyone.  The only thing anyone seems to give me freely is hurt and guilt.  Neither of these emotions are new to me and over the years I have learned how to suppress them and keep a smile on my face.  

I cry when he is asleep or not here.  I don't want him to see this because I really think he doesn't care that I am hurt and feel rejected...all the time.  I was told once when I cried and he knew about it made him feel guilty, well, when I am angry or hurt I cry a lot, it is just how I am and I will be careful about when I allow myself to cry and what I will cry about.

I know he won't change his behavior in this area immediately, if ever.  I will have to deal with the fact that I get him here and he comes home to me.  Although, I don't have all of him, others have parts I want so badly.  

So, for now I keep my heart guarded every so slightly and realize that I can change the situation whenever I choose by leaving.  That will be the most painful thing for me to do, but I will if I have to, for my sanity.

There are things I keep to myself, of course they bottle up and fester and come out randomly, violently and with an insane brand of irrational motivations.  Such is my life.  I will now of invisibility, maybe it will be the thing that can numb the pain.

I know things are going to take time and I have made myself a promise to not push things, but I am craving intimacy right now so bad it hurts.  I want to feel his hands on me, his mouth possessing me and my body bending to his will.  

I will not initiate anything though, even if it means he never touches me again.  I can't handle the rejection or the guilt it makes me feel.

Found my heart and found my love.  He is mine and I am his for what it is worth.  He makes me smile when I don't want to and holds me when I am scared.  It will work out and hopefully this last conversation and his promise there will be no more broken hearts.

Wow.  I am done.  DONE!  I don't know if I have a heart left anymore.  Thanks a lot.

Headache today, it feels like my head is going to explode and all I can think about is being with him.  Loving someone like this sucks.

He asked me what is wrong.  I am in a funky mood, but I am not going to say anything because I know he doesn't really want to hear it.

Why do I feel like I am in competition with every other female in the universe?  I shouldn't have to feel like that. 

I cried last night, he doesn't know because he was asleep in the bed next to me.  I couldn't bear to touch him or to be touched by him last night.  The touches are all lies and those turn into tears. 

Don't tell me you love me when you don't mean it.

Don't lie about things because I am stubborn enough to figure them out.

Don't keep your distance from me intimately and then message others talking about how you want to play with them. 

You haven't initiated anything with me since you know who left to back west.  Yeah, I should have said no, but I was just happy you realized I was there. 

Kiss me.

Touch me.

Hold me.

Show me you love me and when the time is right don't just say it.....mean it.

Figure this shit out before it is to late.

Tired, drained, sad, rejected.

That is how I feel right now.

What do you mean you can't show me that you are attracted to me?

What do you mean you are having problems with it?

Why can you sext every God damn bitch you meet on here and other places?  

Why can't you talk to me like that? 

Why do I feel like I am only a means to an end?

If the other one were to come back and say here I am, would I have a place here any longer?

Have you even figured this out yet?  

Why are you treating me in a way similar to the one you abhor? The only difference is you don't force me to know the others, though knowing them would be better than being kept in the dark and being lied to.  

You said you feel guilty when I cry.....GOOD!

Someone was said to be earlier that made me feel used and not in a good way at all.  I don't handle this feeling well and you should know that.  It causes my walls to go up and pull away and I don't want that.  It makes me wonder just who you are also talking with and what you are talking about.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I. AM. HERE.  I am here, I am always and will always be here.  Look at me, see me, love me.  Talk to ME, no one else.  Tell me your dreams, your fears, your desires.  I want to be a part of them.  I want to help you achieve them.  Figure out how to show me your love, figure out how to give me affection.  I am tired of feeling like a maid and an extra paycheck.  Figure it out.  In less than a year I could be looking for a new job again to take me away if my needs are not being taken care of.  And don't think it didn't escape me that the last time we were intimate was also the weekend SHE was in town. 

Oh and remember if you think a woman doesn't know, she has known from the beginning.  Think about.  You might want to rethink your motives and your next move.

Taking matters into my own hands is getting old.  I have such raw emotions that I need someone that is going to present for me.  I love him very very much, but my heart breaks more each day there is no physical connection.  I can't even blame work and stress from that right now because even during vacation it was like that.  I need intimacy.  I got a small bit of it earlier but just enough to leave me wanting so much more.  I don't know what is so wrong with me that he can't show me his attraction to me.  My self esteem has never been so fragile.

Please do not think I am putting this hear for attention from others because I am not.  This is cathartic for me.  I can put my feelings here no matter how absurd they sound.  I don't have anyone else that I can discuss this type of relationship with in my real life nor would I want to.  I do love him, but I need something more.  I will not leave him, but he has proven that he does not think it is inappropriate to talk to other women (whores all of them) so I don't think it is inappropriate for me to do the same. 

I asked him point blank how that would make him feel and he told me he wouldn't like it.  Well, back at ya.

I am craving intimacy right now.  I am pissed that others get his playful side and I get his snoring.  He hasn't even held me at night in at least a week. 

How can I make him see what it is I need?  Being ignored intimately really does a number on your view of yourself.  Am I not good enough?  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I not just the right kind of perfect?  No one wants to know the answers I give to those questions because I am not nice to myself when I feel like this.

Oh well, time to put on a smile and act as if my life is normal and wonderful and I am not hurting at all.

Even though you say there is nothing to worry about I wonder if you care at all sometimes.  Remember if you think a woman knows she definitely knows and if you think she doesn't know, she still knows.  Telling me to be patient is okay if and only if you are not screwing around (in real life or otherwise) with other women.  I think we need to revisit some of the very important deal breakers. 

I don't even know why I am putting this hear, he won't read it, not sure how much he cares about how I feel. 

I have had it though, I will not initiate anything anymore, which makes me sad because that seems to be the only time you realize I am sitting next to you.

I won't stoop to low blows, though I have a few ready if needed.  So, for now turnabout is fair play I don't care if you don't like it because you obviously don't care if I like it.

Trust is earned not given freely.  Stop screwing around on the ones that are closest to you and the whole trust thing will fall into place.  Stop pissing me off and stop breaking my heart.  Losing me is a very real possibility and it scares me, I am sure it scares you too.

Why can't there just be a nice normal guy that likes to spank girls out there?  The heavens are laughing at us all.

Sleeplessness and unfulfilled promises really piss me off.

Drinking some wine and feeling really fine!  If ya gotta be alone on New Year's might as well have some booze to make ya feel good!

This is the text of an email I got from a person who claims to be dominant.  I have never interacted with this person before:

"A sub should be used spanked and cummed in as much as her Master wants"

This is my response:

Whatever happened to "Hello, how are you?"

I might be submissive, but I have an enormous amount of self respect, something you seem to be lacking.  Move along little boy.

Sometimes I make myself so proud!

Playing with a woman's body is a lot different than playing with her heart.  If you break her body it can heal, if you break her heart, you have broken her.  It will be something she carries with her forever.  She may be able to move past the memory, the pain, but she will carry that moment in her heart and mind forever.

A real man never lies, never cheats and never abuses.  If you just want to be friends with benefits say it out loud.  Don't let the girl find out through other sources.  It is dishonest.  Sure you might not have her as a friend, but honestly if you are going to hide your intentions you are not a friend anyway.  

I promise you women remember your words....forever.  Don't say something she can prove wrong because when it comes down to the nitty gritty it does not matter if you are dominant or submissive, if you hurt her you are a piece of crap.  You don't deserve her friendship, much less anything else.  You are also making it harder for her to believe the real deal and could be causing her to miss out on the best thing in her life.

I know this works both ways, but it seems to only bite me in the butt.  I seem to always be the one hurt and sometimes it is because of all the hurt I have had to endure that I seem to sabotage good things.  I still make the choices I make and can change them, but insecurities that are drilled into a person over and over are hard to get rid of. 

If you say there is no one else and she asks even just flirting and you say no one and she finds out, it's your own fault what happens to you.

I am not angry, I am hurt.  Some people can't differentiate between the two, they look a lot alike, but hurt lasts a heck of a lot longer and effects a person for a lifetime.  Anger can be over and one with quickly, hurt lasts a lifetime.  I should know.  I can relive every moment that I have been hurt like it is happening at that very second.