Touches

~Warning: This is a writing from a few months ago. I am sharing this poem because to me, it is morbid and beautiful. It's sometimes important to share events that are painful to move forward. So if you know me and this post makes you worry for my emotional safety at this moment please smile. I am a lucky girl who is surrounded by loving people. I've just taken the hard road.~

Fyi- I am lilmiss.

You drove away
You walked away
You left me behind.

You didn't just drive away from you girlfriend, you drove away from a child drowning in fear. Tears stained her face and when she needed you the most there was nothing she could say. You stamped words that means nothing and the silent auction screamed of unknown destruction.

You didn't just walk away from a child, you turned you back on all the promises that decorated your lil misses skin. The small kisses of love. The soft finger caressing away the broken down heart bring it back to life. The thuddy excitement of my skin offered Up to your hands that shattered away the shell in which controlled me. The hand that wrapped around my neck to keep me grounded.

You didn't just leave behind your lil miss, you left behind the word Daddy. You reminded me that this word means nothing. Just for me. This word is an idea and a dream like being a princess. It's not real.

You got your revenge. You left me this time. I may have said goodbye first but you literally left me behind. You stole my heart back... You stole my dreams... You stole my desire to be me. Lil miss is all I have left. A reminder of promises broken against skin.

I am scared.

In the beginning of the year I felt as if I had fallen and that I would never stop falling. I did my best to push it off as no big deal; as I always do. And I tried to do it all by myself. Tried not to ask for help and I tried to need no one. But I couldn't do it alone. One by one amazing people came to help me. Offering friendship, a truck, time, a moment to cry, a home, and the opportunity to service. I've cried more this year than I ever have. I don't have a traditional family so if I fall I get to fall flat on my face. And sadly the family I do have I have ostracized myself from to a degree that I have never done before. I push. I hide. That's how I live or better yet that's how I survive. That's not living.

So here I am today doing my best to accept and care for the people who have taken the time to know and understand me. And all of you freak me out. You challenge me. You don't allow me to hide. It's as if you can smell when I get uncomfortable or insecure. When I push you push back. When I tell you negative things you do not allow me to cover myself in my fears. You make me look forward and when I ask, you hold my hand when I must look within.

Thank you.

90% of the time when you try and get close to me I shut down.
This reaction may not be a response to you as a person but my own fears of what you might want from me. Sometimes I wish I could just scream "WHAT do you want from me?".
Even when I say it out loud it sounds silly. But when I look at myself I can't say its silly. I can say its fear. I can understand your point of view. I Can see and feel why something so horrible or so amazing makes you smile. I don't understand why you are looking at me.
Now some of you might be thinking to yourself
" What the ever living Fuck Touches...you are a confident, strong girl/sub/bottom/primal. Why would anything so simple make you, of all people, feel insecure or scared?"
>.< Well Why the fuck not?
When I look at the people around me I don't think of what I can to do to get them into bed...or How I might ask someone out... Or Are they interested in me... How do I get this person to ask ME out?

You know what I am thinking?

• This person RIGHT HERE is beautiful. I love their smile...How can I make them smile.

• Why are they pouting? Is it a playful pout? No? Oh god what can I do to make them smile.

• O.o Shes sitting across from me in a Dennys and all I see is sadness and a desire to stab or run, I cant bear to see this look on her face. I can change it to a smile.

• Why can't I just ask for one Touch... For them to hold me for a moment so I don't feel so out of place

• When do I touch you to express my affections and/or my feelings of friendship for you?

• He looks lonely. Hugs must be given.

I am learning to move outside of my comfort zone. My comfort zone keeps me in a Friend/Pet status with everyone around me. I shouldn't even say friend but acquaintance. I'm great at thinking adult ideas and acting in an adult way (when it comes to communicating in a relationship,Morals and my limits) but I am child when it comes to building (ANY TYPE) a relationship. 89% made the move or made sure to to make it clear I should take a step closer.
Anyways, All I am trying to say is I am doing the best that I can to be the person I've always wanted to be. I don't know how I am to become this girl but I know I am on the right path. At some point I'll be able to give up the part of that dream I know will never happen or I can not achieve but right now I am Dreaming Big. I am dreaming hard... and I am scared to death I will forget this dream once again. I always do... Then I end up lost.

Some part of me is slightly lost. Unconscious fears pulling me down to sit and hide. I want to be that girl in your lap...I want to be that fearless submissive to give you strength to hold me down and show me who belongs to who... But I'm scared I've lost it. I want to find it again. Find that strength within myself. 

I've had a rough couple of years. Falling into the wrong hands and trying my best to prove to others they are amazing. This lifestyle, or our culture is so open that at some point I noticed that there is Alot to harbor. Relationships. Not just sexy time relationships but friendships. I've found the most...honest and caring friends. I'm blessed. I can honestly say I don't remember a time in my life were I new I could trust the people around me. I was always the girl who took in the broken unloved people in hopes to prove they were not Broken...just needed a rest from the tough reality of there world. But as life would have it more then half betrayed me. Sometimes being the good girl doesn't pay off. As I look at myself and who I am and what I stand for I know I can in no way feel pity for myself for choosing to pick up stray people. I will always believe in the underdog because in some ways I am also an underdog.I must give what you wish to receive. 

I throw my towel in. As I tell everyone I know and love if I can't do something in a positive way then there's no reason for me to Do it. So No longer looking for a Dom/Top/Daddy ect.  Melancholy. Best way to put how I feel. So if your looking for a friend...Im your girl. But IF I cant be optimistic about finding someone then there's no reason to set anyone up for failure.  Thank you for those who were kind to me and honest. ^_^ For you other (put unsavory word here) Good lucky finding someone dumb enough to sit beside you.

I throw my towel in. As I tell everyone I know and love if I can't do something in a positive way then there's no reason for me to Do it. So No longer looking for a Dom/Top/Daddy ect.  Melancholy. Best way to put how I feel. So if your looking for a friend...Im your girl. But IF I cant be optimistic about finding someone then there's no reason to set anyone up for failure.  Thank you for those who were kind to me and honest. ^_^ For you other (put unsavory word here) Good lucky finding someone dumb enough to sit beside you.

At some point in this twisted place she noticed she was in the wrong home.

 But stubborn girls don't give up without a fight. Sadly this Little one was fighting with a Queen who embarrassed the Idea of Allow pain, fear, and hate to rule and empower her world. This little one could not win. This world the Queen created is not a fairy tale were the one with the purest heart wins.

 In this world sometimesthe villin wins and the Hero falls.

When in this place little ones tools for fighting did not cut or smash fragile bones but caressed the heart. Touched the brused places to ease away the pain. 

But sometimes being kind only puts you in harms way.

Sometimes when we open our hearts, it allows the strangest evils in. 

I am a Puppy and a Little. 

Right now I am working to be more at ease with being a Little. Sometimes Its easy 

but a lot of the time I find it frustrating.

>.< I have my Hello Kitty back pack, Color pencils and Crayons. 

I have stickers. They are plushie stickers and I don't know where Id like to put them.

I had a littles dress but a big meanie decided to throw it away. (if you are this person...Poo on you)

I now find that my 2 or three Stuffed animals have become a Farm. Altho I Cant pick my favorite I know my Coco kittys the best to sleep with. Stitch is the bestest friend and my Otter back pack plushie stuffed thingy Is to die for.I do have a Quatchi..I'm not sure how to feel about him. Hes the best but hes so Random. Not an animal or a human. But I love him. I have my collection of Coloring books. Sweet Baby Jesus I can't believe the luck I have.