TURMOIL

It's not fair.  It wouldn't be fair of  me to open up my life to someone only to find very limited access... limited space.  Like promising a stray dog a better life in a new home... then you bring it to your house where it stays in a cage all day.  It 's not fair for me to have to accept simply what is thrown at me when I don't feel it is truely what I need or what I deserve.  Submissives have rights & feelings.  I've learned that I can express how I feel, my likes & dislikes, & my Dom  ( if he's true to his word) will honor them.  I guess what I really want to offer my Dom is so much more in my mind than what's in my reality.  Maybe I went in wanting too much?  i don't know... but something just ain't right.  I'm taking a step back for a minute.  Gotta clean my house so to speak before I start bringing people in it.

JUST A PHASE?

I don't know what happened.  After I hurt my shoulder I seemed to have lost interest in a lost of things.  Lost interest or lost the energy.  That explains my absence lately.  I just haven't had the interest.  I guess I needed a few vanilla days to remind me why I came here... & decide if I really want to stay here.  I decided... that I need a few more days to decide.

UNKNOWN INJURY

It's funny how sometimes we can hurt ourselves without knowing it.  I remember years ago walking around at work & all of a sudden had a shooting pain in my foot.  After xrays discovered a bruis about 2 in. wide.  The dr. asked what I dropped on my foot & I could not remember what heavy object there may have been... until much later.  I remembered dropping the leaf of my diningroom table on my foot.  You would think that I would have felt that pain enough to remember it 2 weeks later... but I didn't.

I got involved with an exboyfriend of mine.  I was deeply in love with him & he broke my heart.  I pined for another chance with him for years & years.  I finally had the chance for that 1 more night this year.  I should have taken it & then walked away.  Instead he lead me to believe that now as adult we could seriously work on being together again... only this time he didn't break my heart.  He broke, stomped on, smeared, set fire & pissed on it this time.  In a way I want to say that if I ever see him again he needs to at least keep a 6 ft distance away from me & my fist.... but in all honesty I know I couldn't hurt him the way he hurt me.  As much as I would want to, it's just not in my nature.  I somehow knew I would be hurting myself by continuing communication with him.... but I did it anyway & I can say it is one of my life's biggest regrets.  Not that 1 more night...everyone should have the chance at that 1 more night... but I really should have left him in the past after that.  Oh well... he's there now.

Now the question is how do I keep from hurting my self again in the future.  Hurting myself again & again & again.

I'm sitting here w/ my arm in a sling.  Who knows what I did to my shoulder?

DADDY

I have to apologize to anyone that I may have as my Dominent in my future... but I will not call you Daddy.  No offense to any submissives who use the term toward their Doms, but this woman right here will not do it.

I have had 1 Daddy.  My father.  He was the prototype.  He is what I see as the dominent male figure.  The thought of displeasing that daddy scared me to my core.  I still fear displeasing him... and he passed away 10 years ago!  But somehow if he were able to come back I would be hustling to get myself together before his arrival.

Daddy was very strict with his 3 daughters.  Daddy was the type of father that even the other kids on the block were scared of.  Daddy is the reason a lot of boys did not ask me out as a teen... because they'd heard the rumors of the wrath of Tonya's Daddy.  Although my fear of him also caused me to not be very close to him, I miss my Daddy.

So a man says to me "Who's your Daddy"...I have to say "NOT YOU!"  I will show my love, appreciation, & loyalty to my Dominent in other ways.... the term "Daddy" just will not be one of them.  Case closed.

MEDIA EXIBITIONIST

I talked about being an attention whore.  I don't do things to being attention to myself all the time... just on occasion when I need it.  The same for online.  Usind the medium of pictures I like to post them in different places.  As you can see, I've posted my  version of risque' pictures here.  I also have some R rated pictures on other sites.  It makes me wonder, do you allow your submissive to continue posting pictures of herself in such a manner after she has contracted with you?    If she used a medium like this website to find a Dominent, & she found you, would she then have to discontinue her account on this site?  Will she be allowed to just view other members?  How much freedom does your submissive have as far as internet experiences?

Jumping in... too fast/too hard/too soon.

A friend of mine compared me to someone that just learned how to swim on 1 day...then trying to cross the English Channel the next.  I guess that's how I've been about a lot of things.  Once I get going or get started on something I go full speed if I can.  Why should I go at a snails pace if I know the basics.  Piano class... 1st I learned "Mary Had a Little Lamb"... then I couldn't wait to learn to place Gospel music or ragtime favorites like "The Entertainer".  Never took time in learning.  Driver's Ed.  Watched people driving cars all my life.  As soon as I turned 16 I couldn't wait to get that permit.  Once I got the permit I HAD to start practicing on the road.  Once I passed the permit test I couldn't wait to go to the DMV & get my license.  Fortunately for me I had parents that got in my way & made the decision when I was ready to go... but left up to me I was always go Go GO!  Kinda like that crackhead Charlie Sheen? lol

So the potential Doms aren't complaining... but I'm seeing areas in myself that are disappointing to me.  I can only imagine what it's like for them.  Makes me wonder if I really did jump to fast into this.    Not that I've really jumped in that far... but if you don't mind, would you tell me your story in how you got started as a Dom(me) or Submissive?

Dear Insomnia-

You know... you're very annoying.  I don't like how often you seem to come visit me at very inconvenient times.  How come  you were nowhere to be found when I was trying to study for finals while in college??  I needed you THEN.. not now!  This keeping me up late at night into the morning when you know I have to go to work very early is uncalled for & unwelcomed.  Yes, I know I at least I got a little sleep last night... a whole 10 minutes.  BIG WHOOP!  I know it's been going on for years... I know you don't come every single night... yeah.. yeah.. yeah.. WHATEVER!  Get it through your head if you even have one.... I don't like you insomnia!  Just leave me the hell alone! 

Tonya

Hair Pulling

My hair has never been this long in my life.  My hair was always kinda thin, so I didn't have those big, bulky Rudy Huxtable type ponytails as a child.  My hair barely grew past my ears.

Now it's a little past my shoulders in the back.  Even at 40 years old I'm enjoying wearing it in 2 ponytails like that character from NCIS- that goth chic, Abby.  I get teased a lot at work... people saying they are so tempted... & I think to myself "You're not my type".

For a while I wore it in 1 single ponytail in the back... hoping someone would come along & pull it.  No such luck.

The last few intimate encounters I had my hair loose.  1 I had to request to pull my hair... the other did it of his own free will.  Maybe that's the key?

Any hair pullers out there?  How do you prefer it?  Ponytails or lose?

ATTENTION WHORE

I'm not the type that wants all eyes on me all the time... but every once in a while I need validation that I am not invisible.   I see myself as quite shy & quiet, but sometimes I will force myself out into a different & more outgoing character.  How else is a woman supposed to make friends around here? lol

Just a few weeks ago I went to a night club... where I danced by myself... as usual.  Yes- Me on the dancefloor alone.  That's how my club nights usually start anyway.  Eventually someone would come along & dance with me or at least beside me, but not this particular night.   Maybe the crowd was too young... & they looked at me as the old lady trying to hold onto her youth in the club?  I can respect that... I used to look at the old lady in the club the same way when I was 25.  I just don't think I look like THAT old lady in the club!  Nevertheless... I left the club that night without anyone dancing with or even speaking to me.  & here I was thinking my outfit was HOT! lol

It just so happens I had to stop at the 24 hour Walmart on the way home to pick up some things.  A provacatively dressed woman walking around Walmart at 1AM... I thought for sure someone would have said something to me at some point.. or at least gotten some stares from the stock boys as they were working.  Would you believe I walked for about 15 min. around the whole store before someone spoke... asking "You need some help, Ma?"  I had to ask "Oh.. you can see me?  It seems no one else can!"

It's just a once in a while I need to know that people can see me & that my appearance can get some sort of reaction.  Whether I'm in my tom-boyish get up of NFL jersey & jeans or if I put on an already determined to be sexy dress & heels...I need some sort of reaction from people.  Every once in a while I'll even take it a step further.  A tank top shirt with fake nipples making me look like I'm cold all the time! lol  That is some funny stuff!  It was like 90 degrees outside & I was at a backyard party.  I could tell the DJ was staring while he was playing the music.  Eventually he did have to ask me  "Why are your nipples so hard when it's so hot out here?"  I told him  "Because I'm an attention whore". 

Love/ "Cheaters"

During a late night Saturday  bout of insomnia I usually watch that tv show "Cheaters"  Tonight there was yet another case where the husband got caught cheating w/ the secretary at work.  Even though video is shown of his indescretions he says to his wife "But I love you & want to be with you".  In hearing this I immediately start thinking to myself how I've heard that line before as well.... and  honestly am now at the point where I don't know what love is.  I know what I thought it was, but I cannot believe that love would allow you to do things that you know will hurt the one you say you love.  I guess that  is why I have that wall up... not wanting anyone to get that close to me & risk the possibility of falling in love with me... or me with them, only to have my heart broken yet again.

I really do hope that one day I will encounter the one that is strong enough to tear that wall down.  One day.  I know I'm not ready to meet him right now.  I might hurt him more than he can hurt me as I know I am not in any position to receive love right now.  I wouldn't be able to recognize it right now, & therefore don't deserve it.  True I am a loving & giving person... but I don't know how to receive love because I don't know what it is.

Here I go... right back to 1985.  ♫I wanna know what love is..... I want you to show me...♫ lol

What I want from my Dom is the type of love that one would have for people or things you truly care about.  You don't want anyone else to even come close to destroying or damaging your treasure.  You protect it.  You cherish it.  For once in my life I would like to feel as though I matter to someone besides my kids.  For a moment I would like to be appreciated for my kindness....understood for my kindness...just understood.

DISCIPLINE

As someone new to the lifestyle I have this question about discipline.  I know some will be handed down to me at some point because I am new & will make mistakes.  In my vanilla life discipline came from my parents in the form of a spanking ( or beat down as I got older).  I never would have imagined that I would grow up into a woman that gets further turned on during sex by a smack on the ass.  When I am feeling really down about something that has gone wrong in my life I find that I feel I need to be disciplined...thinking that I needed someone to give me a spanking or two.  I was recently informed that any future dom I get may not use spankings as a form of discipline simply because I could get turned on my them & look forward to them.  I wondered what other forms of disciple I could anticipate.

I've read other subs say that their Doms will ignore their pleas for attention as a form of discipline.  I truly do not beleive that will work for me. I am the type that while I am hurt you are not paying attention to me, I will give up & move on to someone that will pay me the attention I crave.  Given the particular situation it may not take much for me to give up!  Yes, being ignored hurts...but at the same time it angers me as I find it to be a childish tactic.  My kids would try ignoring me sometimes when they are trying to manipulate me into something.  Unfortunately for them it always makes their situation worse.  I had an ex-boyfriend that tried the "I need some space" routine & would not answer my calls.  How shocking to find a few days later he approaches me with " I know I said I needed space, but not THAT much space".  lol... I just hope my future dom will not do this to me as my main objective is to make him happy.  I cannot do this if there is no communication between us to let me know if I am pleasing or displeasing him with me actions.

What other forms of discpline do you use on a newly trained sub?

My name is Tonya, I'm an attention-whore, & I approve this message.

Potentials

So as I stated before... I came to Collarme.com in search of a Dom.. a male dom.  I have no interest in giving my submission to another female.  After several emails & chats my consideration is down to 4 in particular that I refer to as my Final 4.  I will not call them out by name in respect for their privacy...but I figure my journals would be a good way for me to allow those that are viewing me (and them) an look inside of my process of choosing "THE ONE" that will eventually hold my submission... my owner.  They will be simple letters in no particular order.  Dom A, Dom B, Dom C, & Dom D. 

Dom A- He  read my profile & contacted me stating how he liked what I had to say.  He did not have any picture of himself attached to his profile, but somehow I was intrigued enough to respond.  Eventually I did get a picture of him & became intrigued even more.  It seemed he wanted to take ownership of me from day 1, but I had to  remind him that my submission goes to the Dom of my own choice, not his.  As I have to prove myself worthy of becoming his sub,  he must also convince me as to why I should consider him as my Dom. 

Dom B- I had my girlfriend looking though my newly created profile & describing the people that sent messages to me while I was at work.  She told me about this one who said nothing much more than "Hello" but with her description of his appearance...I couldn't wait to get to a non-work related PC to log in to see for myself.  When I did, I saw he sent a 2nd message & I felt as though  he was insulted at the fact that "I" looked over his profile but didn't say anything.  I responded immediately, letting him know I had a ghost writer of sorts & that I would definitely contact him later that day.  His response indicated to me that he did have a sense of humor & we've been talking ever since.  He has not only intrigued me sexually ( which is secondary IMO), but he intrigues my mind.  Not only with our conversations, but a friendly game of Words on Facebook. lol....We have a few snags to get over if we are truly to work together as Dom & Sub, but I feel if we are determined enough it can happen.

Dom C-My girlfriend also told me of the inquiry from this guy.  Learning my lesson from the previous one about not at least expressing a slight interest I had her write a "Hello" message to him.  I think I was intrigued by her description including the fact that he wore his hair in dredlocks.  I once wore locs & plan on wearing them again next year...though I find nothing 'dred'ful about them.  When I got home I found he had responded to my inquiry & wanted to know about me.  I think I spelled out a lot about myself to him in that response email....then I had to wait a while to hear from him again.  I thought I may have scared him away as it took 3 days for another response....but he eventually responded saying he was helping a friend & he did wish to speak to me.  I sent my phone # once we started talking I learned more about him as well.  We have a Carribean connection, so he can understand my upbringing & I can understand his.  Unfortunately life gets in the way & we don't get to talk as much as we'd like.

Dom D- what can I say.  My girlfriend told me I was being too narrow.. that I need to expand my search not only by area, but by age as well.  I did just to see what would pop up.  I saw a picture that made me tingle... what seemed to be a drawing or b/w photo of a nude couple.  The man restraining the woman's arms from behind & with his hand wrapped around her neck in a choking manner.  I've never experienced anything like that, but wow I got excited looking at that picture!  The I looked through the rest of his photos & found he looked like a celebrity I once had a crush on in my earlier years.  His journal submissions are what captured me most.  His writing..made me want to know more & more about him. I never thought I would be intrigued by someone that lived so far away from me, but somehow I am.

I want each of these Dom's to know you do mean something to me, you are not just a number ( or letter in this case).  I have respect for each of you & hope that as I learn exactly the type of Dom I am looking for,  I also hope to learn enough in this process that I become the sort of sub your are looking for.  I ask that you continue working with me on this journey.  Please let me know when you are displeased with my actions as I learn the proper ways of becoming the sub that 1 of you may want/need.

UPDATE: A friend/follower/mentor says to me

its great that u posted tht and expresed yourself the way you did baby.......most wont understand nor accept your intelligence and intellect. most wont understand you are a black woman of reason and purpose 1st. most wont understand moresothat you are somebody and refuse to be treated as nobody.......................................your servitude must be given by choice and with understanding... life/lifestyle you will be seen and nurtured as the beautiful rare black diamond you are!!!!!!

♫Feelings.... whoa...whoa..whoa...feelings♫

I haven't heard that song since 1970-something.  Don't know why I thought of it today.  Maybe  because I go through so many feelings for so many people at different times.  Some feelings I keep (or tried to keep) locked up... & then I failed.   I told myself I will not put myself through that again.  I figured that it would be simple enough for me to just not allow myself to feel anything... ANYTHING ... for anyone I interact with.  Sort of similar to how I treat my job.  I sometimes run into a lot of gross stuff at my job.  (no I'm not disclosing my employment at this time)  People give me that look like "OH!  That's what you do?!?!  How do you handle that?"  The answer is I treat it like I'm in a movie or TV Drama.  What I'm looking at isn't real, but Hollywood make-up type effects & when I go home & go to sleep at night I will not have to think about it again.  Yeah... just that simple.

There's a difference in how I interact with people at work & with others.  Take for instance if I met someone IRL from Collarme.  There would have to be some rapport where there had been emails, including pictures...phone calls, text messages, etc.  Then we set up a  meeting.  I'm obviously hoping that this person & I will click & he will want to see me again.  Anyone I meet at work?  Honestly unless they can aid in getting me promoted to a new department or has some hand in signing my paychech every 2 weeks I don't care too much about if I see them again or not.

I can say all day long that I have no interest in beginning a romantic type relationship at this time...But the truth is I'm scared of the feelings involved in romance, so I CHOOSE  to block them...try not to respond to them, try not to use them.  & with the romantic feelings out the way it helps me to become more aware of the other feelings I may have for people.  When I am mad at someone.  When I have been hurt by someone.  When I just enjoy being in someone's company.  The feeling of knowing that person enjoys being around me & doesn't expect or want anything in return.  Those are some pretty good feelings.

One of these day I will get to unlock the romantic feelings again.  I will be nice, but not right now.  Even the thought of doing such hurts. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

So when you are naturally termed to be a strong woman, can you not learn to be a submissive?  If you're really that strong, can't you learn to behave or dislearn any particular behavior?  It's one thing to come across something naturally... but I think it's a bigger deal to have that desire to learn & master something.  When things come easily to me I tend to not cherish it as much as something I really had to work at.  Like reading... they tell me I've been reading since I was 2 years old.  How, I don't know, but by the time I started school I was reading everything & the other kids couldn't.  I kind of had the attitude of "OMG ARE YOU KIDDING??  YOU CAN'T READ THAT?"  The teachers would give me praise & I felt like "it's just a few words...what's the big deal?"  It came to easy too me.

Now playing piano... THAT was a challenge for me.  Sure I could hunt & peck at the keys & make it sound like a song.  The Suzuki School of music does not allow that.  You have to play the correct notes with the correct fingering.  I felt as though when I was assembled my fingers were placed incorrectly.  I COULD NOT play the damn music comfortably the way they teach it!  I could only play the way I wanted to play..... & of course with that mentality I didn't get too far past Beethoven's Fur Elise.  Hey.. at least I made it that far!

So I'm not naturally 100% submissive.  I want to please my future dom.  I'm sure my future dom will appreciate something that doesn't come so easily for him as well.  After all, in conversation with another friend this morning they reminded me U are a valuable treasure waiting go be discovered. U are worth exploring an being treated as the quality woman u are....u r

Thank you buddy!

I spent the weekend with a bunch of strong women.  Women of every walk of life and all had overcome a major challenge with brought us all together.  While we all fought & overcame the same demon, I find a lot of us still felt as though we were not good enough to be included in the same class/level as the others.  I was one of them.

I don't know why women have to have this heirarchy that states 1 of us is better than the other when we've all clearly been through the same tests in life.  I need to remember that no one can live my life any better than I can... that's why it was given to me & only me.

Then I read yet another message today that tells me how much of a treasure I am.  People seemed to love my way of expressing what I was looking for.  Yet in conversation I cannot seem to put those same vibes together to eloquently convey my desires.  Why can't I simply tell someone the things I want/need/ or desire?  Why do I  simply seem drawn to whomever gives the best offer?  That standard must change... I must be the one to change it.  I must clearly set definition in the Dom who will own me.  I can't wait to see this myself!

Sooo much to learn in this lifestyle.    I have sooo...much..to ..learn.

Thankful for those that are teaching me.  As my best friend puts it.... I may be trying to swim across the English Channel a few days after learning to dog paddle.  Not that I'm jumping in full steam...but I know I do have a lot to learn.

Positivity

That is something I've been working on for quite some time.  What I'm used to is negativity.  I don't purposefully attract it to myself, but it just seemed to come to me very easily.  The key is that I had to learn that just because it came to my door...it didn't mean I had to answer it.  Come on... I'm sure everyone at some point in their lifes have stood there blocking the peep hole trying to act as though no one is home.  I'm not the only one! lol  But yes... I have people...or had people ...that constantly try to bring negativity my way.  It's just too much to bear, so I chose to let it go & stop responding to it.  Just keep on doing what I know is right.

I was one of those kids that was bullied about my looks as a youth.  Called funny looking, a tom-boy, taught that none of the boys would ever want to date me, etc.  Well to this day I will still claim Tomboy....cuz I do love my NFL (BEARS, BUCS, STEELERS, & ANYBODY THAT BEATS GREEN BAY) & will play Mrs. Fix-it  in the drop of a hat...if I can fix it.  But it has taken me years & years to finally take a look at one of my pictures & say "wow... I am pretty".  I know I have issues with my body now as an adult ( a whole different subject for a later time), but I am overcoming it all & feeling so much better about myself.  I thank a lot of you for your words that are continuing to get me there.

GREAT DOM SEARCH DAY 7

Sooooooo....at some point I'm going to have to shut down the bids & make a decision, right?  Yes.....so as of today I decided from this point all other 'interesting' inquiries can only hope for the opportunity of being friends.  I have spoken with 4  Doms here about possible ownership & will be taking my time in getting to know them as well as allowing them to get to know me.  My Final Four! lol  Each one different than the other, but some things in common.  Each offering something new as well as something familiar.  I am truly happy that they want this opportunity of ownership & are understanding in my not offering submission immediately.  I won't say when the date will occur when my final choice will be made, for I don't know it myself.  I do hope that those that are not chosen will remain in my life as friends because this will be a part of my life I'm sharing with them, & quite honestly I hate when people walk out of my life sooner than I wish.  But tonight I go to sleep happy to know there are 4 Doms out there, patient enough to train me, caring enough to want to get to know me, structured in their domination, & sometimes silly enough to share a joke with me.  I think this is the beginning of a beautiful....friendship.

Taking things personally?

I know I will not be everyone's cup of tea.  Every dom out there doesn't have the time or patience to train a new sub.  I understand that.  So when someone wants to go off on me about not understanding protocol...for approaching in an incorrect manner... I look at it as their loss.  They could have blown the opportunity to take this lump of coal & turn in into a diamond.  It's stated very clearly in my profile that I will need training.  Did everyone else fall off the truck as an experienced Dom or Sub?  I think not.

And then there are those that can read my profile & completely ignore what I said I'm looking for.  I WANT TO BE A SUB..... that means I'M LOOKING FOR A DOM!    Do not think you're going to convince me that I want a slave.  I have 2 kids of my own.... that's slave enough for me.  & if your name has something completely off base from my goal... not giving out any real names, but somethings along the lines of "Beatabitchdown" , "Klansrule", "Oldman4pussy".... come on now.  If it sound ridiculous & like something I would have no interest in anyway, why would I bother looking at the profile or reading the email.  I'm not interested....don't take it personally.  Face facts, I'm not the one you need or want anyway.  I'm ok with that.... you should be too.

As far as the Great Dom search....I think I'm down to the top 5.  Coming in contact with so many great guys...but I know what I like & what sounds like would work best for me.

Day 3 of the Great Dom Search-

lol yeah, I think the Dom I select will have earned the title of "Great"  for having the will & stamina of training me.  I am so new to all  of this.  I have a lot of questions & just want to carefully watch my step....making sure I'm not stepping into anything ugly & unwanted.  I just want to make it plain as day to anyone reading this...I HAVE NEVER BEEN A SUB BEFORE.  Forgive me for not acting in the ways of a sub...I will require the proper training.  You wouldn't want the kid with the Fisher-Price Dr. kit coming in to do your open heart surgery, would you?  No... you want someone truly wanted to who truly wanted the task of being a dr., & is properly trained to be the dr in the field in which you need.

I can honestly say I want to be a sub for that someone special.  Am I ready to take on all his tasks tomorrow?  Probably not, but I hope he will be understanding enough to see that I am willing & will train me in his way.

Here's your chance to teach me something new.  Explain the panythose fetish to me.  What do you get out of it.. why should I be more open to it?  Yes, I like pantyhose... I just never thought of it as a fetish.