tonkababy

Still feeling sick. Yuck! Finally got the house cleaned. Yay me.  Of course mixed chemicals in the bathroom and have a bad cough now. Haha another bout of walking chemical induced pneumonia. Dork!

Can't wait for Master to get home and see it. Family night tonight so I am dressed and waiting.

For those people who don't like my journal and want to write me to tell me so, don't bother wasting your time. It is my journal. My thoughts My space to write if you don't like it move on. That simple.

Good week. Talked to Master about how I felt. That I needed him to step up, to praise me to punish me if needed. That I wanted a daily ritual. We will see what he comes up with. Kinda holding me breath.

Ok so it has been a confusing morning. I went to bed still annoyed and hurt thru no actions on my Masters part just my own insecurities and whininess, sorry for the spelling there. Anyway so he was having boys night last night which he hasn't had in a while. Nothing wild like strip clubs or hookers. Just computer game night at the house with his son and his brother. The bummer part for me is that they play it at the kitchen table where I can't sit next to Master and get the touching I like so much and two they play to ungodly hours of the morning. So I miss getting to sleep with him.

I don't expect or ask Master to give these nights up. They are his and he enjoys them and quite honestly needs time away from me somedays. I do however wish (and yes I know it is totally selfish and very unslave like) that he would keep it to normal hours.

So anyway I could not sleep as long as Master could this morning so I got up and let the dogs out as usual. I could not do most of my chores for fear of waking Master and his son. Although his son does say he can sleep thru anything. Anyway so I watched tv and cleaned up the kitchen some and then decided I was being silly and petty so I went back to bed with Master. We had great cuddle time with me stroking his arms and chest lightly like he likes. This had the added benefit of enticing Master. Enough to where he even took his shirt off for me. You would have to know Master. He doesn't like not having a shirt on. He does sleep in one. Not that he is heavy or hairy I am not sure why he just doesn't so it was a special treat for me. Then we got into some lovely oral action. I even got some! Anyway so this lead to a nice sex session with one of the toys. And Master relishing the time he spent in me after he came. Well then I clean up my mess I made on his cock and we are cuddling again. I was laying on Master when he decided to get up. He tossed me off of him playfullu so I climbed back on and he pushed me to the side again and said " Is this ______'s way or mine?" Ok well the blank isn't my name it is his old sub/slave's who happened to be his fiance!!! Ok so initial reaction is to be hurt and pissed. So I back off. Of course Master apoligizes profusely. And in my head I understand he is only human we all make mistakes. I have called him my ex husbands name before. Not after sex, during or at cuddle time but still it has happened. I am annoyed because I look at it like drinking when someone has been drinking they are likely to be more honest with their feelings and subconscience thoughts come out. I mean after sex you are relaxed and in a different state of mind.

So that to me means of course she was on his mind. And I guess it wouldn't be such a huge thing to me if he wasn't still friends with her. Texting and accepting her calls. I mean I just don't get it she had someone else's kid someone close to him but he is still friends with her? I can't help but think there is something more there.

So I say just drop it, and he got mad cuz I didn't say please. I think it was changing the subject and taking the heat off him. So anyway I went for a walk and tried to calm down. I am calmer and I honestly believe he meant nothing by it and it was an honest slip of the tongue. So WHY does it bother me so bad??? I absolutely dislike this chick. I should be better than this. I hate that he kept her stupid cat. I just like nothing to do with her. Of course he doesn't agree with all my friends either. And I know this is a practice in patience and humility (again spelling) and offers me the chance to be the better person. But GGGGRRRRR I just am not there yet!!! LOL oh well we will see want the day brings. Thanks for letting me vent.

OK,

So drama at work yesterday. My co-worker who was supposed to be making sure I was trained correctly in the workings of this office had a huge hissy fit and stormed out. Swearing in front of patients and throwing stuff. Let me just say very drama induced.

So ok at a staff meeting that afternoon we were told if IF he came back to the office it would be after a week off without pay to calm down. I was not scheduled to work today but did to help out. Anyway so the guy was at work today with pay after his major totally unprofessional display. I think it was just wrong. AND he was getting paid!!!  Just play bullshit. And I don't mean to offend anyone but really I am bipolar and if I pulled that bullshit I would be gone. Not sure if the boss is just really stupid, scared to fire him because of his sexual orientation or what.

So needless to say the drama has affected my home life too because I am on edge and not giving the Master his attention, so therefor I am not getting the attention I desire. 

Communication has been an issue both at work and home. It is frustrating me and I am allowing it to give me a pissy pissy attitude. Which is not serving me well at all.

So I am having issues with staying motivated to serve Master and to put his needs above mine. I am having issues with staying in the right mind frame. So please please if anyone has suggestions or ideas or exercises to help feel free to contact me. Thank you all for letting me vent.

Ok so I have had kinda of a "wow" moment for me. You know those moments when what Master has been trying to teach and what has for the moment sunk in actually get thru to me. I have been reading a blog by another bipolar, as she says not natural born submissive and it has really enabled me to see things in a new light. 

I am unfortunately a Sam which of course my Master already knew, but I was denying. I admit and can see that I purposely piss Master off to get punishment. He does not always relish giving me punishment especially when I have forced the issue. It does tend to attempt to take away from his control over me. Funny when he chose Sam as my slave name I just thought it was cute. Now I am hoping to get beyond the Sam name and earn a new title. I love it when he calls me Baby or Good Girl. Usually he doesn't even call me Sam which is a little disappointing. Usually he calls me by my given name or just baby. Baby seems to be more of a catch all. 

So anyway while at work yesterday I sat down and made some rules I thought I needed. Rules or routines whatever you want to call them. It turned out to be 4 pages worth. It covers everything from keeping the home clean, personal hygiene, the pets, general courtesy and of course sex and addressing Master. 

I presented them to Master for his review last night in bed while I rubbed lotion into his feet and he seemed pleased with me. He said he will use some of them maybe. He has been impressed with my attitude the last couple of days. Which of course he has showed me by showering me with love and praise. 

So we will see how long this new attitude lasts. I am sure I will slip back to my old ways because I have much to learn, but Master is patient and learning how to handle me so I have every faith we will get through this time and any other times ahead. 

I let him go way back when and let my stubbornness stand in the way of us being together because I didn't see his efforts back then. I don't want that to happen again. A lot of what Master has been trying to teach me or show me I had taken for granted or turned my back on. I see his efforts now so we will see how long it lasts that I actually appreciate his efforts for this relationship to work!!!