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I am a cowboi, a boy, a gendermutt. My appearance is female and I have decided that I do not have a problem with that, but I prefer the male pronouns. I like to be seen as neither male nor female, but unfortunatly, this is not possible in our society.
In a BDSM relationship I (still) crave to be the boy, the servant and to get a chance to explore the sub in me.
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It's
been a while since I wrote on here. It's been a while since I have been
to this site at all! Life has me busy working and going to school and I
have not been able to do much of the fun stuff I used to do, even
though I am starting to get involved in rodeos again. I am not in a
BDSM relationship at the moment, and I miss it a LOT! We have been
talking about options that would work for both of us, whether it is to
welcome others into the family or to try again with each other, but so
far we have not made any decisions... If anyone out there has any idea,
please feel free to drop me a note. It will be interesting to see what
the future brings! :)
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Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote. I am still wearing Lady B's collar and we are still struggling with "our" D/s, which really doesn't exist as we both have totally different views of D/s. However, somehow we seem to be making it, I got my cutting for our anniversary and she got her tattoo.
Things have been rough in our professional lives, our strengths been tested in all kinds of ways, but we are hanging in. Today we had a family dinner together and it was enjoyed by all parties, even it if did wear out Lady B way too much...
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Life has changed drastically. I found a wonderful lady and even though we do not seem to be on the same pane as far as D/s is concerened, she is stubborn enough to want to make it work around school and job. I am not sure where this is going, but at least I found a relationship that could last more than six months. Heck, it already did, considering we started talking last September.
D/s is a curious thing. It really is what one makes it; there are no set rules or guidlines, escept maybe SSC or RACK, whichever one prefers. However, I strongly believe that there have to be SOME ground rules to distinguish D/s from nilla and I do believe that those rules should be universal. But that's MY belief!
LadyB and I have totally different views on D/s and I am sure we'll never agree totally, but I hope we will find a way that works for both of us. Maybe there is a compromise that will let us meet in the middle without either one of us losing what we believe in and without either one of us feeling that their needs are not met.
Maybe!
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I just looked at these old journal entries, wondering what on earth I am doing sharing my thoughts with strangers on a perverted website.... Of course, I only share things I don't mind sharing...
Recently I had this thought once again about D/s as a tool to abuse and use people. I am more and more convinced that too many so-called "dominants" use their power for the "wrong" purpose (by MY definition, not theirs): the purpose of getting mundane tasks accomplished that they don't feel like doing and they don't feel like hiring someone for. Tasks like cleaning house, running errands, or (my personal favorite!) be supported and spoiled financially. I don't understand the point what makes someone feel they are submitting to a person who takes them for their money or uses them as a cheap maid.
What about those little things like the mental connection? The connetion between two people that goes beyond, deep into their minds, bodies?
Why do I see so many cases of dominants run, dump their boi/ys/girls when the going gets tough? Why do I see so many dominats fail the aftercare? Fail basic human contact, emotions? Are dominants "raised" to be cold as rocks and to just use a person for practical purposes, because they can?
No, not just in D/s these things happen, they happen everywhere. Our society gets so wrapped up in material things that they forget about interhuman relations.
Now it's back to work after my surgery, and that week off that I had been looking forward to for so long is gone. It was fun while it lasted!
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I should be in Dallas, enjoying SPLF as I am writing this. However, I had to cancel the trip due to lack of finances. I am bummed. When I cancelled it, though, I felt I was doing the right thing. I felt I was not in the right space to attend a leather event. I felt overwhelmed by life and personal issues and did not have room for a leather event in my mind. However, now that I am sitting at home thinking of all the people who are going to be there, all my friends I don't get to see and the fact that it would have given me a nice distraction from every day life, makes me wonder... Maybe the trip would not have been a bad idea. Well, I am focussing on LLC now. I am going to have to take a weekend off for that and then I am going to attend the "Servant's Retreat" in May in Vegas, so it's all good. I am looking forward to both those events. I am even giving up the Vegas rodeo for it, as I cannot take too many weekends off work without getting in trouble with my boss. Sometimes this fast pace country really sucks! Back home, we never had to work EVERY weekend. Back then, stores were not even open on weekends. People made enough money to have a life and they had time to spend their money. But that's a different topic! All in all, life is still filled with ups and downs, but even though, I am looking forward to every day. I enjoy the company of the fuzzbutts and enjoy my job on most days. I am just a little frustrated to put my social life on hold for the measly pay I make, but that will change eventually. And now, that I totally veered off topic, I am going to postpone further thoughts and hop in the shower... Oh yes, the boot disaster, I never mentioned that yet! I finally got those boots at work yesterday, the boots I have been waiting on for three months.... And the jerks sent the WRONG SIZE!!!!!!! But I got to feel my boots, touch them, smell them, look at them up close. Boi, they are NICE! Now it's up to them to send the replacement - but they better hurry or this boi will be rather disgruntled! |
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Lately I have seen quite a few journal entries from Dominants/Tops, who are complaining about submissives/slaves not being what they claim to be. They are calling some of the people they have met on here fakes and players. Do they take into consideration how different we all are? Do they think of the fact that one person's "perfect sub" may be another person's "no-good player"? Why do people think they need to judge, instead accept the fact that this person was apparently not the right person for THEM. Why not just let it rest and move on? I have found a lot of "Dominants" who I do not consider Dominants. It is hard to find compatible people, especially in BDSM, where it is so important. People I dispise are those, who ignore you without a reason. Those who stop writing in the middle of an active e-mail correspondence without a reason. I do understand that life happens and letters cannot be replied to immediately, but eventually they should be replied to. Even if it is just a one liner "thanks, but no thanks". Let the person know if you are not interested in them anymore. Don't watch them make efford after efford until they finally give up. That is NOT Dominance! That is just rude. And now I'm going back to bed with more tea. I swear, I have not has as much tea in my life as I have had this past week while fighting the flu... |
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Boi, life sure is a peculiar ride, a rollercoaster filled with downs chasing ups and vice versa. I am trying to learn to use all the "downs" in my favor and turn them into "ups". I have always believed that I have to make mistakes in order to advance in life. Only when you make a mistake, do you really think about the matter in question and a smoothe ride can get rather boring... Now, if I could just get my mind back to my bootblacking, I would be a fulfilled boi... |
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And I already found out that I should proofread my entries BEFORE hitting the "send" button... I apologize for the typos in my last entry! |
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Hm, the concept of a public journal does not entice me at all. Why would I want to share my innermost feelings with total strangers? I guess I won't do that here, but I could share little things. Like "how about that new job", or "boi, that Top I met last week was just AWEsome..." I will think about that, I do like to read the thoughts of other, as it helps me get to know them and I am sure that works both ways... But in all reality, I am just rambling, because I do not like this field to look so darn empty... :) |
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| Age: 29 |
| Fresno,
California |
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