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ifc1
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Seeking a loving, caring, and nurturing long term relationship.
I am not into pain (much), or humiliation...strictly D/s. To me, D/s allows the partners to experience a beautiful kind of intimacy together, something deeper than most people have.
I am a faithful, funny, smart, passionate, quirky, caring woman. It's just hard finding what I want in the "regular" world. The last man I tried explaining it to....he asked me if I'd been sexually abused. I could not end that conversation quick enough, lol.
So...that's why I am here. I want to take it slow, and find the right man. I am not into hooking up for sex with some random Dom. I'm trying to find the right man to build a relationship with, one in which he will be my Master, teacher, and my best friend.
I am not a slave. I am submissive to the right man. All I can do is give my submission, and give of myself, and open my mind to his teachings and dominance; which I hope will lead to a relationship with Trust, Honesty, Openness, Respect, Obedience and Devotion, as it's foundation.
Not willing to relocate, not looking for far away. Only interested in single. No marrieds. No living with someone.
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The mourning doves are back!! |
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This is a weird place to try to meet someone. It's an online meat market.
I feel like I am the only one trying to find a partner, a lover, a boyfriend. Besides sexual stuff, no one really asks about me. Me. The person. The person who has interests and passions outside of sex. The things that make me...me.
I'm looking to meet someone with the same interests as me. The same morals as me. The same outlook on life as me. Someone who gets me. Someone who sees me as more than someone to have sex with.
It's not hard to get laid, if that's all I was looking for. Christ, all I have to do is go sit in a bar on a Friday nite and I can get laid by the end of the nite, I'm looking for more than just sex.
Yeah, I guess it sounds corny, but I'm looking to find someone to cuddle up on the couch with and have a few beers and watch movies on Netflix. I'm looking for someone to watch football with. I'm looking to find someone to go to cute little restaurants with, or the diviest of bars with. I'm looking for someone to sit and talk to about feelings, and fears, and dreams with.mim looking for someone to talk about making and cooking a great meal with over a bottle of wine. I'm looking for someone to go for a long drive in the country with.
Yes, I am submissive. Yes, I am looking for a Dom/sub relationship. But God...there is so much more to me. I can't be submissive to someone who I don't even know on a personal level. I can't be submissive to someone if I don't enjoy being with them. I can't desire someone if I don't even like them as a person.
I guess the difference here is that I see a lot of Dom's mentioning the word "play". I'm not into "play". I'm into real life. I don't "play".
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Ok, so I've been waiting for snow all year, and I love snow....but this is kinda insane, even for me. |
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SNOW!!!! It's finally going to snow! Guess what? I love snow!
There is nothing like the feeling of being snowed in, staying warm and cuddling up on the couch drinking a hot toddy!
Every winter I pray for a good snowfall of 8+ inches, so I am quite happy! Expecting 5-8 Friday nite, and 8-12 Saturday.
Then playoff's on Sunday, seeing an old friend Tuesday or Wednesday, then Saturday nite going out for an overnight trip with the person I adore the most on this planet after my son!!
I've had a shitty ass last 6 weeks, so to get a nice week of things that make my heart sing is kind of mind blowing for me right now.
Everyone in the path of the storm: stay safe, stay warm, stay happy :) |
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Thank God for football this weekend! At least I won't be bored ;) |
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I met someone, here, who is clearly insane. That was kinda scary. That was fucked up. He's fucked up. I had to block him from my phone, and now block him from here. That was fucked up, dude is insane. Ifc1.
I don't do crazy. That was fucking nuts. That was fucking nuts. I'm just glad I got out alive. |
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I don't understand a lot of things. I don't know anything other than what I know and have experienced first hand. I don't read anything, have never watched any videos.
Sometimes people say things to me and I feel like a moron because I don't understand what they mean.
Sex is organic to me. It just happens. It just is. It's natural.
I don't understand. Why can't it just happen when it feels right, and it just happens. Or is that old fashioned? Or is there something wrong with me? Or am I in over my head? |
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Merry Christmas everyone!
Missing family and friends who are gone, hoping the new year brings a fresh start.
I guess I will find something "Christmassy" to watch tonite, settle in like a bear hibernating lol, with some wine.
Happy Holidays. |
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"Hearts will never be practical, until they become unbreakable."
The Wizard of Oz |
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Happy Birthday to the most amazing man that I ever met. I love you so very much.
Navy beat Army yesterday. It was an incredible game. The whole 4th quarter was a nail biter;) |
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He made me feel like a million dollars today. He made me feel wanted and cared for.
I know He does the best that He can, under the circumstances. |
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I worked 12 hours yesterday, and will be doing the cooking today, but I have off on Friday, so that's good.
I talked to my son last night, and he's gonna call me today, too.
Oh, and Go Eagles, lol. |
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I feel like things are winding down. Everything has a purpose, and things always work out as they are meant to be. And that's cool, too. |
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The Fugue.
I've never been able to put into words how this relationship makes me feel.
One night I heard the song while watching the 1940 version of Disney's Fantasia, and my heart sang with joy, for how it made me feel is the closest I can come to how it makes me feel about being with my Master. And oddly enough, the song has no words. It is The Fugue* part of Bach's Toccato and Fugue in D minor orchestrated by Stokowski.
* A Fugue is built on a theme with repetition throughout. The Fugue was also a great racehorse owned by Andrew Lloyd Weber, in GB.
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Happy Halloween!! It's my favourite holiday :) but I have to work Halloween nite, cooking for everyone in the bar who will be having fun....
My horse, Beholder, scratched out of the Breeder's Cup. C'est la vie. |
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It's not my place to wonder why a certain thing is going to happen. It's my place to ensure that He is happy. If He wants it happen, then I make it so. I put my faith in Him, and my trust in Him. He wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt me, unless I needed to be disciplined. This I know to be true. |
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Me.
I am a mom. I am the survivor of a murder suicide attempt. I am a cook. My two best friends died in the same year. I am a Pisces. I was utterly betrayed by someone once. I have a little cat that I adore. I drink too much. I miss my son every single day. I've been in jail. I like Beethoven's 6th symphony. My specialty is coq au vin.
One day, I met a man. A truly amazing man. And I gave myself to him. And he took me. And every nite I go to bed to an empty little bed. But my love for him, my desire for him, my desire to serve him, my absolute need for him to be in my life....that fills my bed every single nite.
I am owned.
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I am in a relationship, and I should have left it alone. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it...and yet I couldn't help it. And I don't even know what I am doing anymore.
And isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over and over and expecting different results?
And I don't think someone being a Dom or a Master gives anyone anymore right to hurt someone. I am not talking bondage or discipline or anything like that. I am talking about just hurting someone so bad that it hurts their soul.
And it's my fault becuase I thought that things would be different, but things are just the same. |
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So glad The Walking Dead came back on. Enjoyed last nite's premiere, and am looking forward to what the new season will bring :) |
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I noticed that after I spend time with my Master, I am so utterly calm. I don't know why. It's eerie. I can't put into words how I feel about him. I love him, but it's so much more than that.
He terrifies me sometimes.....without even doing anything.
We talked about a safe word today. I don't have one. I don't need one with him. That's my decision. I trust him, implicitly.
He talked to me today about, well....something that I don't know how to feel about. But I do things because I want him to be happy and I want him to do what he wants with me, that's my job. And I trust him.
Today, for some reason, I looked up the term "sub space". I don't know why I did that. My Master says I've been there, but I never knew what he meant. I understand now....but I liked when I was ignorant better. All I know is my own past experiences, and what he tells me. I never look things up or look at forums or anything. I like being a blank canvas everytime I go into a relationship.....and I don't know why I looked. I won't ever do that again.
And today he told me that he was proud of me, but I haven't done anything but love him and be faithful to him and wait for him and try to please him, so I don't understand. That's what I do. |
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Finally my son is back in port...till March! They are still very busy, they need to overhaul the ship. Again. But we are going to FaceTime next weekend, I can't wait.<br>
Am very content in my personal life right now. It's not 100% yet, but soon I hope. I need to be more patient. It is something I have struggled with in the past. But for some reason, it seems different now. I can't put my finger on it. <br>
Maybe I can, but am afraid to admit it...afraid I will break the spell....like, I feel this time that he is treating me more like a partner. Not like a wife partner, but more like "we are in this together" kind of partner. I don't know. I am so afraid it won't last again, so I don't think about it.<br>
Maybe this time he will view me more as a person, not an object. Maybe it was my fault. |
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"There is no bondage without the bond"
Anonymous |
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The shortest distance between two points is our desire and our unwavering belief.
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Confused about the whole Ashley Madison thing. Do spouses never look at monthly credit card bills?
Also, with all the free sites out there, including Craiglsist....who has to pay to find someone, anyway? |
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Stressful last 36 hours....my son is off the coast of S. Korea. This happens every year at this time (N. Korea ratcheting up the tension due to joint military exercises), but this year it is particularly unnerving.
Always keep our troops in your heart. |
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New week...new chances. Feeling positive, I hope to get a lot done around the house while I have this free time. Just wish it wasn't so god-awful hot this week.
Caught a couple promising 2 year olds to watch: Exaggerator, out of Curlin - and Tap To It, a daughter of Tapit. |
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Laughed today for the first time since he died.
I laughed at myself, and my shitty ass luck.....but at least I laughed ;)
And so life goes on. |
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I'd love the masculine shadow of he, wanting me, to be.
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Last week my very close friend....and the person I was working for.....dropped dead right in front of me. Brain Aneurysm. He was 59.
He was my friend.
So, now I lost my friend and my job. |
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Communication + Trust
For me, honest, open, and constant cummunication is key to a successful D/s relationship. I mean a real relationship....not 2 people getting together for kinky sex every once in a while....a real ongoing committed relationship.
For me, I need to be able to tell my Master (and want to) every single thing going on with me in my life, my fears, insecurities, hopes, joys, sorrows...everything. This way he knows exactly where I am coming from at all times. If I misbehave and can't explain why, he will know why. If I am a little more needy one day, he will know why. If I am sad one day, he will know why.
How do I get to that level of communication? Trust.
I have to trust him to know that he will not judge me. That he wants to know these things in order to help me get through them. He wants to know everything, because he knows if he does....it will strengthen our relationship. He knows that if I get to that level of open, honest, ongoing communication....I will actually become more dependent on him emotionally, strengthening his position In my mind as my Master.
How do I get to that level of trusting him? By being able to communicate.
Communication. Trust. It's an endless circle that equals success.
I miss my son so much today. |
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Wow. I haven't taken care of myself in so long. Painted my toenails.....and you'd think I never did it before.
Lol, looks like a demented clown did them :) |
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Finding what I am searching for.
Iti's a lot harder than I thought....what I am searching for.
It's not hard for me to meet a guy. But just some guy is not what I want.
I am submissive, and do better in a 24/7 D/s relationship....even if it's a mellow one, there has to be that aspect to it.
And sometimes I think it's my personality. If you met me, like not from this site....you'd never think that I am submissive. I have a very strong personality. I am submissive With the right man. And that is what I am looking for. That man.
And it's hard to meet people here. Most are married, or live too far, or while seeming nice....talk to me like any other guy that I could meet.
Maybe it comes down to me.....yet again. I need a forceful and dynamic man to grab and hold my attention. I cannot pursue a man. Maybe that's why all of my conversations just Peter out after a while. We talk about our interests, the weather....then it just kinda....
....I don't know.
Maybe I just can't put it into words. |
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Met a guy. Weird....he's not even a Dom....just a really nice guy. And single (for a change), but not from around here....he comes into my work...I never thought I'd meet a guy who was not a Dom, but this guy....he does not seem to give a flying shit that I am a sub, he just wants me....odd that. He just wants me? Nah...can't be. That is not reality......but I will give it a try.
I am sure I will be back, it never works out for me. |
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Holding Pattern:
: the usually oval course flown (as over an airport) by aircraft awaiting clearance especially to land
: a state of waiting or suspended activity or progress
Obviously the latter for me. And I get to the point where I feel like I am going to break....but I keep holding on. I don't know why sometimes.
But then sometimes I do remember why.
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Loneliness...
Don't ever.....ever, commit yourself to a married person. It's a life of loneliness. It's not right. All it was was pain. Confusion. Insecurity. Insecurity (not a typo that I did it twice). It was nothing. It was a while ago, but something I reflect on. Often.
I never even knew if he cared about me for a nano second. Probably not.
No big deal.
Everything is fine in my life. I work. I work to insanity right now. That is why I cannot meet anyone. But, it should slow soon. Hopefully. September we get busy again. I wanna meet someone so bad, but with my schedule....and my work is my life right now.
Insomnia. And I cannot sleep sometimes. And when I do.. it's cooking that I dream of.
And now I have to buy a new purse. To replace my new purse. I like it...so maybe it's maybe not the best purse (apparently, lol) but I think it's pretty. So...I will buy it one more time.
I invented this dish called Chicken de Calais. Man, the buerre blanc sauce I served with it was dynamite. Unbelievable. I added more white wine and shallots and a shot of lemon juice.
And...I met a guy. From Long Island. No biggie. He's kinda cute, though. I dunno..he say's I am cute. It won't go anywhere.
That's just how it is.
And I miss my Son. So much. |
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Pride...or.....Coq au vin for 30.
So that was my work last friday. Service at 7:45. My kitchen was in turmoil, they have never cooked like that before. And that was my pride, because I could.
I've been thinking a lot about my pride since then. Well...I don't know, but I can see it now.
And all that said...what is it I do? Invent a new today that I call Chicken de Calais, that I will serve on my busiest night of the week (tomorrow)...when I am short staffed.
Because it can be done.
So, I guess I didn't learn anything about my pride; other than know it's there.
And subs can't have pride. Can they? |
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So, was chatting with someone (not from here). We had emailed maybe 10 times. And he said he preferred submissive women, and I said that I was a submissive. I even directed him to my profile here, when he asked for more info.
Long story short, when I gave him my number and he called, all he asked about was sex. How do I like it....do I do 3somes, what is my experience....I mean, just very personal questions.....by someone I'd never even met face to face, just talked a few times.
Needless to say, it went no further.
And I don't fault him. I know some people are just out for sex and that's all they want, and that's fine. For them
I can get sex. If I go to a bar on a friday nite, I can pick up a guy and get laid.....if that's all I want.
It's not.
I will write more another time, I have to get ready for work.
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Early Happy Father's Day shout out to all the Dads here.
I have to work sunday, as we are expected to be very busy. It's ok, though...keeps me busy. Although I am starting to notice that all work and no play is making for a very dull tapicat.
Dame Dorothy runs at Belmont on saturday. Lol, sometimes I wish there existed a dating site for D/s with a horse racing slant....... |
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Work. Work has become my life.
Trying to re-evaluate. I need to put effort into meeting quality people...or really just the one.
I need to take time, too - to make sure I take care of me. I value myself. I'm not the best person, but I am a helluva person. And I have to stop selling myself short.
Just because I am submissive, that does not mean that I am garbage. |
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Finally the sun is making an appearance after a few days.
Texas Red is off the derby trail. Not enough time to prep him, apparently. |
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This: one day.........https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zaNkAbLnu3Q
And that's why I need a man mentally stronger than me......... |
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I crashed by design, and I think that's what hurts the most. |
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man...one day I will meet the guy for me....Someday, yeah? One day a guy will come and knock me down off my high horse. One day.... |
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Rainy day....cleaning house for Christmas guests. Thoughts of friends I've lost, and those who can't be here...and always missing my son. Merry Christmas.
RIP to the great blues singer Joe Cocker. Godspeed, Mad Dog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoAO0851FwA
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Any real relationship must begin with 100% honesty. How many here are just "looking", or "playing"? How many here are for real? |
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Wish people would be more open about themselves. How do you know if you have anything in common? I hate playing 50 questions with a person.
It's not much, really. Where are you from? Are you married? Divorced? Kids? Pets? Favorite sport? Favorite food? Music? TV Shows? Work? Political views? Anything? Bueller?
You know..... just some general basic things to know if you even have anything in common. To know if the person is worth talking to or not.
I understand that I am viewing profiles of Doms. Isn't there anything else in your life? Anything? |
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