i have to get this out of my head. its so over loaded with fears, pain, betrayal and confusion.

Something has befallen on the 2 most loved and cared for people in my life, something i dont even know if i can speak. not only has this even hurt them both the repacusions are hurting me, im lost in pain for them and for myself.

as a sub thinking of myself is like rubbing the cats fur the wrong way. im having to do this is a massive way now, now is when others need me the most, its when i need to be thinking of them.

they are even cutting me out, that hurts deep. what am i ment to do? where do i turn for help?

Sir has gone away out of contact range for a few days, so im feeling even more alone. He has been on my mind so much lately, His messages or encouragment and compassion have warn away my the protections ive put up from recent events.

its been half a day and im out of my mind missing Him, there has only been 1 other person ive felt this way for, and that is whats caused me to shut down and lock my heart away so tightly.

now im so scared to let myself trust and feel because of the hurt and pain ive suffered. thats not fair on Him, He is laying His soul and heart out to me and im to terrafied to even look.

im to scared to let myself aknowlage the feelings i have for Him, i dont want to be this way. i want to know how i feel about Him, i want to share those feelings for Him. i want to make Him proud of me and of us.

ive been on my own for months now, my mind craves submission so much at the moment that its driving myself crazy. the need inside me to kneel, to be told what to do, is trying to take over. i have to put that on hold untill i find a place to live, the having to do this and that hurts me, im thinking of myself, im being selfish.

with all this happening this week, i feel like im lossing people i love, my best friends and i cant even lift a finger to stop it. im tired of being alone, im tired of being hurt, im so tired on my head. all i want is for the people i love know how i feel in there hearts and soul, my feelings are never a lie, i fight for those i love i fight be able to love them. they cant see this i want them to see, i want them to embrace it, let that knowing lift them up.

no matter what happens i am here, i am waiting and ill never leave them. EVER.

im trying to learn the lessons others have tought me. leaving my troubles to myself dosent work, everyone keeps ordering me to say whats going on then complains or gets upset cos im talking about myself. im trying to act positive even when im down, but others always say im not being me. i wish people would make up their minds on what they want me to be, what i want to be is viewed as un natural, when its second nature to me anyways, its my soul.

so why is my submission always told to be on hold?, is it to much for people, or is it that no one is ever honest about their feelings towards me when it matters?

i dont know, im so lost and hurt i wish it would just end. maybe i should of stayed in my old life and accepted what was comming. at least i would of died without knowing i had a heart.

a few words comes to mind when i think about the last few days, "am i dreaming?"

i have been lucky enough to of had the attention of someone, im starting to see as very special. He has gone to so many lengths for me, that im both humbled and honored to receive.

im caught in two frames of mind tho, its rather anoying. im stuck in the thinking of "am i dreaming" this person has so much in common with me that its mind blowing. He even encrouges me to have my own mind and speak it aloud, as a sub of slave mind, i thought that was un heard of. He even went out of His way to give me a gift yesterday, id never been given a gift like it before.

then im also very afraid and defencive at the same time. ive had my heart and spirit broken twice already over the last few months, im afraid to open myself up to Him. i have also been taken advantage of as well, so im trying to protect myself from that a well. im hopeing that my hesitations and protectiveness dosent upset Him.

but i feel so, so myself when we have contact with each other, i find it so easy to unlock the cage holding tantie away from the real world. only one other person has ever unlocked her so easylie before. i find myself needing to do and say things that will have Him proud and happy with me, im enjoying my submission again. a feeling i thought i wouldent have for a long while.

isent that how a sub is ment to feel towards someone earning her trust and respect? on that to, He is earning my respect and trust, more and more each conversation we have.

as i have done once before ( it has hurt me a lot tho) i have accepted a request from Him to not play with anyone accept for Mistress untill He is happy with my training. i do this with full understanding and acceptance, even being polly it feels against the grain but i hope and feel He is worth this temperary sacrafice.

i was surprised even more that He, after such a short time of knowing each other, He is willing to make contact with my Mistress/ beloved sister. as She is such a big part of my life and my heart. no one ive spoken to, of yet, has even asked about Her more than in passing or even about Her personally.

im counting the days before i am free in vanilla life to take the much anticapated step in meeting Him. hehe