i am now being mentored by jimnick, and am amazed what a difference this is from past experiences. we are working specifically on my weight first. so that i can become more confident in myself and more pleasing for others. i only hope that i can live up to his expectations for me, that i can put the faith and trust in him, and that i can truly find myself with him. i know that i have to believe in myself, trust in myself and have faith in myself before i can with another, i feel that i am on the right road. as he listens......

so i am wrong, i am meant for this lifestyle. to the person whom i talked to, there is a reason i am this way, because i am too trusting and believe the best in people. i am not weak nor am i stupid. i hung up on you because i believe that if you are Dom, you do not have to be rude or talk down to anyone. it is your loss that you will not get to know me and the wonderful woman that i am. i believe that in time i will find the one that is meant for me.

so i figure out this lifestyle may not be for me.

what does one do when the one person that i never thought would hate me turns out to say that the only reason he has ever talked to me or had anything to do with me was for sex. you ask me why i am posting this here. it is because He was the one that introduced me to this lifestyle, the One that i always turned to for advice,the One that always said that he would be there as a friend. He was lying to the woman with whom he has a child. i was honest with her, and now i feel lost. we have known each other for 17 years. when she told me all the things that he has said about me over the years, it cut me to the core of who i am. now i question my being in this life at all. maybe it is just all about sex......and not communication.

i have seen so many cocks on here it is hard to like any of them....show me your mind, your heart, your soul. then maybe i may be impressed.....

i have been gone for a while, trying to figure things out. i still do not understand most things, maybe this is the nature of the beast. i have read several different novels about the lifestyle and still i want to know more. to me this is not just about sex, i was chatting with the one that introduced me to the lifestyle and stated that i could get sex anytime. i wanted a connection. this does not mean that i do not want sex, and it is not the only thing i want. maybe i am just dreaming that i can have that connection i truely want and i feel deserve.

just got finished with the Shades of Grey triology....it explains some of the fucking frustration that i feel when i meet or communicate with a Dom..... i loved the books, now if i could find my Christian Grey......

i am going back to MN for my 30th class reunion in june, i am looking forward to both see old classmates and renewing friendships. i have spoken to an old classmate and he bought the book Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns. he wants to know more about the lifestyle and possibly play while i am home. my own sister does not know this about me. oh well.... i do hope that everyone remembers those who have fallen in our military ....they deserve much more than just one day a year.

dayna

i have not heard from the one that i chose for a long time. so i am back. wondering what i s wrong with me.am i so needy or wishing i could find someone for my own, that i eill accept anything or any man that comes along? i am not sure anymore.....

is it wrong to want to feel the caress of a mans hands along my body? i know i have chosen a long distance type of relationship, but the feeling is still there. to feel the lash of a whip, or a spank of the hand. to feel him grab my hair, kiss me and tell me that i am his. to feel the caress of his hand along my breast, to feel his lips on my nipples......just for an afternoon or night.....

i have gotten 2 emails from a member who thinks that it is ok to judge me on the fact that i have chosen to start a relationship with this new person. needless to say i have now blocked him from contacting me. no, i do not feel guilty about this new relationship because i do not advertise the whole story about the other person. it is enough that i am accepting of the fact that i feel right about the relationship. on this type of site i would figure that judging anyone for anything is very beyond mindless. i have been approched by some that are way out of bounds for my personal limits, but i do not judge them. to each their own is what i think, being within the boundries of the law.  So if you have some comment on whom i chose to start a relationship with please keep it to yourself unless you have constructive critisim for me. thank you for the rant for today......

i have been chatting with a Dom, and am very pleasantly suprised. He is both a gentleman and Dom. i know, i know few and far between. He has not asked me to pose naked in the first chat, He is patient and kind. i am looking forward to our first meeting, looks like it will be next month. He is not asking me to do anything that i would feel uncomfortable with. this is so interesting. His demeaner helps me to want to serve him. we are chatting and learning about each other and how this linces our day to day life. my one concern is that he is married. i have come to the realization that i may never find a single Dom, and for now i am ok with this. i know that it may be hard as i may get attached and want more from him than he can give. i think that we will cross that bridge when we get to it. so for now it is so long Collarme, hello new friendship and see where this night lead to.  So far we like a lot of the same things. and especially snuggling.......will keep things updated with progress of how things are going.....

d

just had an interesting conversation with a Dom, and my disappointment is growing. is it wrong to want a long term relationship with the lifestyle involved? i am sorry but i live in the vanilla world, i have a son to finish raising. if the Dom does not understand that, i cannot understand. i want to be commited to the Dom that i chose, i do not want a quick fuck or a one night stand. i was also told by this Dom that i am abrasive and not approchable. i do not think that i am not approchable, as i answer emails that i get even if it is a no thank you. i just wish that i could find some one...........and be done with the search......

dana

it was pointed out to me that my profile is one that seems to be looking for a husband.... no have had that twice and not sure that i am husband material. what i am looking for is a commited relationship. i know that is a old fasion idea and may make me an outcast, and i can understand some not wanting that. i want to serve One. if we chose and decide (although i know it will be his decision) he may wish to share. Thank you to the One who pointed this out to me.......

Happy New Year to all....

not sure why men just do not come out and just state that they are out for a peice of ass and not a relationship..... very frustrated and doubing any one on here might be interested in anything close to a relationship,,,,,not a one night stand....not play dates....not peice of ass.... not mind games. but a relationship with this invovement. i want that. i want to serve someone, i want a protector, lover friend and Master....is there a MAN out there that can step up to this??? i am not sure, and i am not holding my breath.

i am going to be taking a break from this site to explore the relationship that i hope is starting. i hope everyone finds who they are searching for.

d

i know that i have found someone who i want to learn more about now. he leaves me curious. i know that the time has come to heal the wounds brought by another, it is time to face fears and learn more.

more time has past, i think that i have found someone that may help me. at least he 8is willing to try. we had coffee yesterday and i have thought of nothing since. he is a great kisser and we have talked about so many things. it will be interesting where it leads to......

i am getting better day by day. things happen to us in life and we wonder why at this point did this happen to me. it takes the breath out of you and you wonder....why me....why now.  you are left to only wonder.

it has been more than a week, and i still do not have my head straight. how do you get over an attack, physically i am well, it is mentally. i just cannot get over how you can trust someone completely and then they turn on you. it was not Sir, he would never do that. it was someone from my past. he could not take no for an answer and really, really messed me up.

i got an im from Sir today saying to think you could be at my feet by now. i am so disappointed in myself. i do wish i could be. i just cannot bring myself, mentally to be there. it is going to take some time for me to heal from this. that is what is so hard. just when i think i found something worthwile, something bad happens. even going to work is hard. i am really really working to get over this attack. i am hopeing that with time it will get better.........

i have been released by Sir. through my own fault and i understand. i have not been in contact with him for a week, for reasons i cannot explain here. i do want everyone who reads this to understand that i do believe in the 3 absolutes and all that he was able to teach me in the short time i was with him. who ever will be lucky enough to serve him, learn the 3 absoultes, know them in your heart, listen to what he says, he is wise. go before him humble and ready to serve with your whole heart. he deserves that, someone who can serve with a whole heart, that i do not have any longer.

as i was in class today i was thinking of my next step in this journey with Sir. it is the examination part. this might be the hardest part of this journey for me. it is where Sir examines my body for scars,marks and anything else. he will ask me medical questions and other things. he will know my body better than my own dr does. i say that this will be the hardest for me because i am not a barbie, and although this does not figure into here it is my self image and conciousness that i face and fear. i feat regection. i am not perfect, and i have many faults. i have had knee surgery too many times to count, and many scars from being silly in youth to my scar from the birth of my second child. all the strech marks, brusing from being a klutz  and my inablity to do some things phyically.

i know that this will happen soon, i am looking into arrangements now for about a month out. as i search for a hotel, i keep in mind not my comfort but what will make him comfortable. i will be there for about 5 days and know that he plans to use me at least one of those days. it is a way for me to get away from my everyday life, and to get to understand what he wants from me. also to get out of the gloomy weather here!!! i fear that i will not measure up to what he wants from a pet. i mean i can talk all i want and when it comes down to it it is about his pleasure. what if he does not find me attactive, what if my body does not measure up to what he wants. what if my physical limitations limit how i can please him. yes all of thses run through my mind. so  i fear this part of my journey the most.

it is at these wee hours of the morning i am awake and not able to sleep, i think about my changing. in showning me the past sessions with others, Sir has helped me to understand that in serving him, no matter what it is, is making him happy. seeing and understanding what it is that he likes and enjoys, i can understand what pleases him. i am still learning, it is always a learning process.

i am really looking forward to meeting Him at the end of feb. i am anxious about the examination, where i am open to him. nothing is off limits to examine, my body,my mind and anything else that he wishes.it is total surrender of all my secrets to him. he will know me better than any other does. this is scary for me. i guess it would be for everyone, to have yourself open for someone to examine all you scars, your lumps and bumps scrapes bruises and then into your mind. all your secrets are gone if you are honest and open. how much more could he ask for? i am going with an open heart and mind to this. being able to take in his teachings and being able to serve him is truely a blessing at this point in my life.

it was so good to hear Sirs voice again today. i enjoyed both our conversation and the sharing that we did. Sir was kind enough to share some of his other sessions with other subs through pics, asking me how i felt, if i could see myself serving in this way and what i saw in each pic. i was very thankful that he was able to do this for me as it helped me to see the resistance that i have in serving in different ways. when we were done, i had less resistance to all types of service and how he wanted to use me.

 Sir has asked me to go over things that we have discussed and how i see them. the first thing is what are the 5 things that a Dom should know/do before using a sub/slave:

   1 to have a knowlege and understanding of the 3 absoultes

   2. to have a question and answer session for the prospective sub/slave.

   3. to ask and understand about limits of the sub/slave.

   4. to have an examination, to thoughly examine the sub/slaves body, mind and know all about that subs physical limits and how they can be used in service.

    5. to have a contract, and a release date.

the last one took me back, to have a release date.... it is so scary to know that someday it could end. to have a mutual date in time that this could end. it is a determined time, set by both to examine how it is going.

Sir has given me a phrase to use when he asks for it. it is helping me to get in a frame of mind of service to him and how i will be put to use. i will share this here with his permission. it is:

                                Sir, i love you. I am your bitch,your sub your pet, i am yours to use as you see fit. I will suck cock for you, i will eat pussy for you i am yours to use as you chose. I am YOUR pet.

the first part of loving him, will come in time i am sure. as for the rest of it, it is coming sooner than i have even realized.

i close now, encouraged by my understanding of what he wiill ask of me. i encourage if you have questions of me, please ask them of either Sir or myself. i would love to help any who are on this path, and have questions.

i was so happy to hear Sirs voice this afternoon. it has been too long since we have spoken due to my work schedule, he picked up right away that i am coming down with a cold. it is amazing that he could hear that in my voice. he is right i am coming down with a cold, and he has allowed me to go and rest, so that i will feel better.

i am looking forward to serving him. i hope that i serve him well, and i hope to make him proud. i clos now so that i can rest like he has told me to. be well.

i was so happy this morning on the way home from work, Sir text'd me, it has been another couple of days since i was able to hear his voice and i do miss it. working like i do it is not easy, i wish that i could hear it every day.

i know the time is coming that he is going to question me about the 3 absolutes, i think that i am ready to answer him and if anyone else has questions i do welcome them.it will help me with being able to explain them, to others and answer questions. they are basic, and easy to understand. they form a base that one can stand on and not be off balance. the do give balance to this for me. it just makes sense.

d

i finally got to talk to Sir!!! it makes my heart happy to hear his voice agian. even after just a few minutes, i feel calm and relaxed again. He pointed out that i need to correct somethings about my journal and so here i am again.

as i am just learning there are things that i question here and should ask Sir before i write about as others may be reading and i do not want to confuse them or lead them in the wrong way. my last entery i questioned why the third absoulte was indeed third. i now understand that to love and respect something it takes time. time to grow, learn and take all of it into your being. He pointed out that when you meet someone for the first time "DO you love them?" and of course you cannot. you have to learn about them, how they think feel and do things. it takes time to take them in, and with time comes respect and then love.

many are introduced to this lifestyle, quickly then they go back to the vanilla world. they find that they crave what was shown to them. they cannot explain this to others. they wonder why they crave this and begin to look for this again. when they find it again it feels like coming home. a comfort and calm that they crave has been found. they know that this is what is for them.

i am at a loss sometimes. my work schedule is different and it is hard for me somedays to communicate this. i have not heard my Sir's voice in a few days and i am missing it greatly. i am taking this very serious, and i do hope that he understands this. i will know this week if i have the time off that i asked for so that i can undergo examination.

back to the 3 absoutes. i have been thinking about them and how they relate to this life.  the last one is so so true. you have to have a love and respect for this lifestyle, i am not sure why this is the last one, because i think that this is the most important one. if you do not have a love for this lifestyle, how can you live it. how can you see clearly the well defined roles that each of us play. if you do not respect it, how can you see the different levels that there are. respecting what each person needs and wants, because there are so many kinks. while i may not be a pain slut, i respect those who are because this is what they need, to feel whole. i support them, embrace them and while i may not understand them i know that i am different also.

those who do not respect this lifestyle, are those who are preditory. they see subs, slaves and others who they can take advantage of and use and discard them. they do not understand that those people take this to heart and are confused when this happen. i can only speak from the subs point of view and i know that it can be very hard for Dominates/Mistresses also.

i am home from work and ready to go to sleep for the day, i ponder again the three absolutes, the reason behind them and the reasoning for them i can see how by just changing some of the words they can be applied to the vanilla life also...... but more to come with that later. sweet dreams for now

i have not been sleeping well, i am not sure why i have these periods of nightmares/inablitity to sleep. yes i work nights, so my sleep schedule is messed up anyway. i would like to create a community of nightshifters only. we would have banks, stores movie theaters open when we are awake. and there would be no kids outside bouncing balls at 2 pm, just when you finally hit your rem sleep.

Sir has opened doors that i thought i locked. with many locks. so i did not have to go back and think about them. He has made me rethink other relationships both in and out of the lifestyle and look at them hard. maybe that is why i am not sleeping. too much thinking and not just doing. i know that i do not ask enough questions. i know that i am not into confrontations. i would rather walk or run away then confront someone.

the assignment that he has me doing about the 3 absolutes, it is not hard to come up with words, in my mind, but it is hard to articulate what is in my mind. i never want to have someone leave with more questions than they came to me with. i want to be a teacher both here and in my professional life. i can explain any aspect of nursing that there is. how to do something, how a body would react to things, how to or why things are done the way they are. one thing that i am most proud of(coworkers would never know this) that so many at work come to me when there are questions. i can answer their questions, both coworkers and patients, to their level. i love to see the lightbulb go on when something finally clicks.

the three absolutes make sense to me. i do hope i can help others to make sense of them for them.

ok third time is a charm i guess. meaning i have typed this entry now 3 times.

this journal is a record of the learning that i am doing, and being able to write my thoughts and feelings about the training is so important to me. Sir is able to see my thoughts and feelings, how i am thinking and processing what he is teaching me. it is also i hope helpful for others who are walking along this path, unsure or not able to make sense.

with this,,, there was a period of time in my younger life that without going into detail, i needed councling for. Sir has asked about this time in my life in detail, asking very specific questions. i have gone into detail with him regarding this time of my life, and through talking with Him about it, i have learned when things shifted, why i learned things that i did and why to this day i have preferences of different things.  i thank Him for this, and the learning that is taking place. i know it is important to me that He know me. totally not holding anything back.

i am excited in this journey, and cannot wait to take the steps with Him.

i am about to go to bed after a long busy night at work. i have been thinking about this alot, and i know that i am on the right track. even though some may not think so. i have to go back to the 3 absolutes and know that they are truely the base of what i need.  

i have been "trained" by others, but this concept has never been introduced. it has mostly been sexual in nature, and while that is not a bad thing, it cannot be something that is built on. there are many way to train and assist people in this lifestyle, as many as there are Masters/Mistresses or Dominates. this is something that i feel strongly about. this is what i want.

have a wonderful day .......

First i want to appoligise to my Dom, i am truely sorry for not posting before now about what it is that i am learning, as i am learning so much my head sometimes spins. it is not that i did not have the time or energy, it is because i did not think about it.

the first things that i have learned about are the three absolutes. these make so much sense to me and help me to understand that in this lifestyle i have been mislead and that has lead to mistrust. let me explain this and the three absolutes as given to me.

                                 1. you need to have a willingness to serve and know that your      happiness comes from serving. 

                                 2. is knowing your role and your place in this lifestyle and with your Dom/Mistress.

                                  3.you need to have a love and respect for the lifestyle.

   these were never given to me before. nor were they explained. Sir has done both of these. He has made me go back and rethink my role and place in this lifestyle. He has helped me to rethink what are my limits and boundries. He has allowed me to learn, and express my thoughts in a safe place with Him.

  He sees that i have a passion, and willingness tolearn. i hope that i open my mind, heart, and body to Him to use as he sees and needs. i hope that i serve with the passion and willingness that i hold in my heart. i come to Him with a willingness, knowing that i will be happy serving Him. i will not hold back, from Him, mentally, physically or any other way.  

i close now to reflect and work more on the assignment He has given me.

i am disappointed, when one makes a effort to please, and then does not hear back from a Dom, it is disheartening. it makes me think that i am not worth the time i spent, effort to please and the attraction i felt. if this is just about sex i could have that any and everyday. it is about the connection between Dom and sub, which takes place in the mind not in the gentials.

ok i am done ranting