SubSlutSlave11

Hahahahahaha!!! OMWord, You all make me laugh...and I thank You for that.  No, I am not a spy, assassin, etc. (or am I?? ;).  My life has been "a long strange trip", and I'm ecstatic that all is ok, now.  I don't have tons of free time, but what I have, I don't like to think of certain things, but lately, that's all I've been doing- thinking.  

Here's to those that ask about my ex-husband:  IF I were a vanilla woman, I wouldn't have gotten a divorce.  IF he was a tad bit dominant, I wouldn't be divorced.  He's a great guy, and nothing was his fault... Or mine.  I didn't physically cheat on him. Emotionally...yes. :(. I needed to feel the thing that was missing, and a certain Dom made me what was missing.  Structure, rules, wanting to please, etc.  You know, all the good stuff in BDSM. :) 

Waiting for laundry... Too much fun. Hope all have a good day. :)

"If I told You things I did before, told you how I use to be, would you go along with someone like me? If You knew my story word for word, had all of my history...".

It's not a new song, just one I have been listening to more... Wonder why? ;)

Good morning, and thanks for the "good luck" emails, Y/you guys rock. :).  Well, I came out to him, and he was more curious than anything.  He wants to go to a session with me, to see what I am into, like, act, etc.  Bc he's cool, I'd do it.  No sex, just a session.  He wanted to look for a Dom, but I told him I've got that covered. ;). 

It was pretty awesome to just chat about any and everything.  Drank a little, danced a lot...even recorded us being silly. Had a good time, and honestly no sex was had.  I'm a good time sans the sex. ;)

Hope all have a good day. 

I'm going to be in NY this evening...coming out to a friend, as to what I'm exactly into- Taking him to a club.  Can't wait to see him, or the reaction!!  But should have fun, he's coolio and I haven't seen him in forever, definitely overdue. :)

Good morning to all, and to all a good day (too:).  Today, I'm feeling stronger- mentally.  I'm almost through the haze in my mind, and things are becoming clear.  I'm not going to be that naive girl, anymore.  There are many things that I would never do/deal with, with a VM. Now, it's clear, I won't put up with it from D/M either.  This, isn't a game to me.  I've taken certain steps to be free in my kinky sexual pursuits, and I am not going to be manipulated, by anyone who isn't real with their intentions.  I'm sorry, but I've grown tired...bored, even.  Dont waste my time, anymore, bc I'm not.  

Clear ups:  the ex-military man (from previous journal), was my father.  Gosh, take it easy.  He went there to scout out which locations would be best to attend.  Long story short, it wasn't good.

There's more, but time to walk the pooch.  Have a good day. :) 

Damn you, unruliness happening in Brazil. :( I wish you the best in hosting, but priorities are a bit off, no?  I say that, half-laughing, full truth bc I cannot attend the Cup.  There will be riots, and hopefully not worse, so it's been decided that I won't go. What? Like it's not going to happen?  It's cray cray over that.  That's from a decorated ex-military man, who didn't say it in those words exactly, but You get the gist. Lol. But not lol to the situation. 

Changing topics, I apologize for missing some words in the journal, my mind races faster than my fingers.  

Ok, I'm going to answer some questions...  I've been asked about turn-ons/turn-offs. 

Turn-ons:  Intelligence. Confidence.  Sense of humor.  Personality.  Smile.  Eyes.  Arms.  Ass.  **short list**

Turn-offs:  False sense of arrogance/entitlement.  Sloppy.  Earrings (sorry, and it's just to me, unless a rapper or athlete bc then how else can one show their wealth off ;). 

I'm a romantic at heart, and enjoy all the things that go with any relationship; friends or lovers.  In an earlier entry, today (lol), I mentioned my loyalty, blah... Yeah, well color me crazy bc I think I may be an idiot. ;) * if ya only knew what I passed on, You'd be thinking the same thing. Ha!*

Hope all have a good eve, and thanks for subscribing (to the newbies; a thank Y/you email will be sent :). 

I can't give You everything, if I don't feel You deserve it.  I can't feel I care more than You, bc then I won't care at all.  I won't allow myself to think of You, if I never cross Your mind.  I am loyal, but not an idiot.  If I care, and You mess that up; You'll regret it. You would have known what was had with me, and You would feel the loss...keeping Yourself up at night, asking "why?".  Now, You know. ;)

This is just a generalized entry. 

Good morning to all. 

Well, yesterday I spent all day painting, and it felt great. (it's a bit dark, but coming along lovely).  As most know, I don't like to be disturbed whilst in the groove, but I was hoping/waiting to get a text... That didn't come.  It's ok.  I just painted my tiny ass off, and I am hoping to finish it soon (already interest in it:).  

I put so much heart into the piece yesterday, I passed out early.  I was exhausted, and I'm not sure if it was the energy I exerted into the work, or being bummed about a certain situation... Perhaps a combo of both, not sure, don't care anymore.  

Today, is a new day. I woke up refreshed, and ready to get back at it.  Well, after a meeting with financial advisors, I'll be ready, and hopefully be in a better mood. :)

Time to walk my pooch. Have a great day. :)

Hello to All!  Thanks for the heads up, and I really should check emails more often, lol. ;)  Not working everyday has definitely assisted in my email absence, but even though my self imposed sabbatical has its advantages, it most certainly has given me more free time...that others would like to fill for me. LMAO!  I don't mind doing favors, but at least let me go away on a proper sunshine filled vaca, before hitting me with all these requests.  I am still trying to process being cancer free.  Oh, yeah...I forgotti;  Thanks to all who sent well wishes, prayers, vibes, etc.; it worked. ;)  *I also believe my little angel had something to do with it. 3*

Today has been...odd.  I found out that this site was back up by checking emails, but I checked emails bc I was going to sign up for another site that was recommended to me by several people, and I see something on their homepage, that pissed me off (a blog entry).  So, needless to say, I didn't go any further in the process.  I am quite happy that Collarspace is back and running bc I really didn't want to deal with another site, etc. 

Today, I will answer some emails...  Bc  of not feeling well, my mind is not in the mood to focus/think/?? Lol! :)  I will journal later, and wish all a happy Sunday. :)

Yay!! ;). I'm glad it's up and functioning (and I'm not speaking of a penis ;).  

I hope most have calmed down now, and take it easy on "Tiffany".  :)

Have a great day, and I'll journal later; tons to tell. ;)

Rubber intrigues me...  :)

Good afternoon, and thanks.  I appreciate most understanding my last journal, and respecting my wishes...and to the others, I think that may be why You're still looking; Don't think You're bigger than you truly are.  I do not care if You think You are God's gift, etc. You are NOT to me, and that's all that matters.  Your cock size- does NOT matter.  Your bank account- does NOT matter.  Your job/title- does NOT matter.  I do NOT care to be with snobby, uptight dullards, who pay women to be their girlfriends or play toys bc they can't behave like a human and treat people with respect. PLEASE stop using D/s as an excuse for acting like pompous pricks.  You are not a Dominant, you are assholes. Please do not contact, or make other profiles bc you've been blocked; just move on and find the doormat you seek. Good luck finding it here, bc the real subs will not tolerate your behavior, and others may call you out, publically.  I apologize bc this is not meant to everyone, but a few...

Now, onward... ;)

I am kind of bummed bc I wanted to get some sunshine this week, but looks as though that won't be happening.  Sucks bc I look great tan. :(  But I still have some color from the bizzare 80 degree day from earlier this spring, and that will hold me over until I can go, somewhere... :)  I am trying to be a bit more frugal bc of not working, I want to really enjoy where I go, so now, I have to be conscience of my spending.  Any big purchases (x amount limit) have to be okayed, so I am trying to fly below that amount. :)  See, smart. ;)

I am waiting on some news...could be great news...eff that, it would life changing news!  But in a good way, lol!  So, that's kind of why I've been in a good mood lately, and I'm not complaining. :)  (sorry for all the smiley faces ;)

Happy Friday! :)  Hope all are having a great morning thus far; even with the downpour (here, anyway).

So, I think my First should be retired (as for answering questions about, etc.), for a bit.  He's a subscriber, and even though I know He has no problem reading the journals, sometimes, I don't like thinking about the past.  I am saying that in the nicest of ways.  And as a peace offering, I'll explain some situations...

*When I said He jabbed me in the gut, I mean what it reads.  He was next to me in a parking lot, we were saying our goodbyes to friends that W/we just had dinner with, etc. and I guess I took a longer time than He liked with someone, and to let me know, He knuckled me, in my stomach, as He turned to "look for the car".  Because I wasn't expecting it, I buckled to a knee, holding my tummy and gasping for breath.  He apologized for spinning into me, went to grab my hand to help me up, but when the friend did as well, He stepped in his path, picking me up by my elbow.  That's when I kind of had a feeling that it wasn't just an accident. 

*He never did anything to me to make me feel ugly, physically... He treated me like His most treasured possession, when I was good...but in the end, it didn't matter how I was, it was all about how He perceived; and His perceptions were often clouded by His own insecurities.  But mentally, towards the end, He fucked me up, big time.  (this is one of those moments, where I don't feel like thinking about...)

*I never gave a blowjob to anyone before my First.  I didn't want to.  I didn't have to.  I wanted to with Him.  I wanted to please Him.  Blowjobs are not easy, hence job in the name (lol).  I don't do what I would do for a D/M, with a 'vanilla' man.  The VM (vanilla man) doesn't need tears, or gagging, or to pinch my nose close, skull fucking, etc.  They like pretty bjs.  I am not saying all vm are this way, it's just from what I have experienced.  I don't give out blowjobs like they're candy, lol.  Just as in every aspect of my life, I am picky with whom I experience different/certain things with.  Why would I go balls out (or deep, lol) with a vm, when he may not like it, or thinks I am a freak?  So I keep it simple, and let them dictate how I do my "job". ;) 

*My First wanted me to go to a 2 year school, get married and have babies.  His, lol.  After the relationship ended, He wanted to have a baby with me, still, regardless of not being together.  After I politely declined, He didn't ask again until I started going out with my ex-husband, and that was to see if I would either donate an egg, or carry "our" child, no sex required.  Geesh...thinking back to those crazy days, I still can't understand what or why He needed to have me.  I don't ask, but He'll say some things, and He can still get me to blush, but He knows I can never be His again.  Ever.  I do believe W/we've hit a happy medium now, and as long as no boundaries are crossed, I am happy to have Him as a friend. :)

I do believe that's enough for now, right?  Have a dry weekend. :)

I am not sure, but I think I've stated that I am NOT into chicks...like a thousand times, and it still hasn't changed. lol!  Thank you to the Pro-Dommes for the offer of not having to pay 'tribute' to email you, but I was never interested in the first place.  I am not being mean, just trying to save you some time.  Here's the skinny:  IF I liked chicks, I'd plaster it on my profile, making sure all knew I did, but that's not the case.  I am not into chicks; Last time I will write about this. 

"Sharing"- Bc I know Mine isn't a sharing person, I can write freely about what scenarios I would be comfortable with being shared...  (I am not looking, this is a just for example).  IF I had a...seasoned vet, and if He wasn't able to satisfy sexually, then I would want to be shared.  I have a sexual appetite that rivals most men, and could be fucked several times a day bc I need it.  Once isn't enough for me...that's a tease, lol.  Especially bc I've thought that 'THIS time, He'd know what I need and how I want it'.  Never the case.  I find it to be a bore, just having sex once, and then watch tv for the rest of the evening.  When I meet up and sex is on the table, I'd rather not fuck than have sex last 3 minutes and the rest of the night is watching tv and then You fall asleep.  So G-damn boring!!  *just a tip for the Ds, if You are sleepy after You get Yours, give the sub some direction on what to do whilst You sleep bc sometimes, we (subs) can become restless from lack of use, etc.  I say it bc it's happened to me.  I thought I was going to be used, and abused (in a good way :), but it didn't happen; which shocked me bc I expected more, but that's my fault. 

I have learned to bring my expectations lower on the sex front, but not on the 'quality'.  I have found my 'Quality' and am happy that I feel like I am done looking.  "I bagged me a Colonel." ; )  

Hello and thanks for subscribing to my journal, I appreciate it and You/you.  I will personally send an email thanking for becoming a friend. :)

Lots of emails, but wanted to share as well...  Well, I am going to be looking for new employment (not really)... I am going to be going back to school! :)  I am parting ways with my firm for a few reasons, but mainly being that I will be able to live my life as I want, with no worries of my business being collateral damage in that adventure!!  I am so excited, but can't get too hyped bc have to wait 30 days for it to (hopefully) go through...so I am figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, lol. ;)  I have several options, and I know what I want to do, and Mine is fully behind whatever I decide, and I love Him for that! :)

Now for just rando info that's been asked:  I normally rock a "welcome mat" but right now, it's like I have a tiny Chia pet in my pants, lol!  My normal pubic hair stylist (lol) is away, and I don't like going to someone new bc last time I did that, my pussy looked like it belonged in a scary movie. :(  It was burnt and skin was flaking off... Not fun.  I couldn't get busy for like 3 days, and when I finally did, I was worried if skin was going to rip from me.  It didn't, thank goodness, but never again will I ever trust anyone to wax.  It's sensitive material down there, lol! :)

I'm either going to be staying in NY or Germany for my surgery, it hasn't been decided yet.  I am torn bc I want Mine to be a part of it, and it would be easier if it were in NY, but I do know He wants the best for me, and if that happens to be in Germany, He understands and will try to make it over, during the important parts (like after surgery). 

But I am looking forward to after the surgery, and my life with Mine. 

To my German friends, thanks for all the kindness, You've been very helpful when I ask questions, and I appreciate that.  Round of drinks on me, when I get there. :)  Hope all are staying warm and being safe.  :)

Good morning. :)  Thank You all for getting into the last entry...and yes, I do like rap, but "hair bands" or "thrasher metal", I can't get into.  I'd rather bang my head, a different way. ;)

I am really not sure why my First is always the topic that most want to discuss, but I said I would answer some questions...

He was very caring and understanding, but on the flip side, could be demanding and unrelenting.  I am very comfortable with being topless (sexy boobs :) and naked, for the most part, and I can thank Him for that.  I was never free with my sexuality, but He made me feel like it was okay to want sex, be sexy, slutty even.  But that stopped when His control was diminishing bc of moving away to college.  He would tell me to dress a certain way, but would then become a jealous prick when He got what He was looking for, reactions from the other men/guys.  I didn't like that.  He would make me feel like it was my fault, or that I was flirting, etc.  In the end, His jealous ways were one of the few issues that led to our demise.

Bc of incidents from when I was younger, I never liked having my picture taken, without me knowing.  I had a few teachers, throughout school, that thought it was fun or funny to take pictures, in all situations (cafeteria, homeroom, hallways, etc.) but the ones that got the most attention- sports bra pics.  Bc they weren't inside the locker room, it was acceptable back then, nowadays, they'd be fired on the spot... Ps. I didn't rat anyone out, not my style. Pics have negatives, remember that.  

My First encouraged me to take pics for Him, and Him only.  He would arrange the shoots,  tell how He wanted the shoot to go, and He'd even let me have a little say in it.  Playing piano topless really wasn't a bad thing, and I grew to like it. 

He was a Nascar fan, I was not, but whenever He wanted to go, guess who had to tag along... yup, me. :)  Now, I try to make a good time out of an unfortunate one, but I will say it's pretty hard to do when you don't drink beer, don't like watching cars go in a circle, or the stench of burnt rubber (tires).  One time, I literally was told by Him to change my sanitary napkin in the car, without anyone seeing; I did it. :)  If any has ever been to a Nascar race, on the field is where You want to be, if You are up to partying.  It wasn't my scene, to put it nicely, but He liked to get 'dirty' every once in a while.  Well, in the infield, the drunks will go around and chant "show us your tits".  I did not.  I got another chant for not showing, something about being a bitch.  He didn't do anything, in fact, He asked why I didn't show them.  What a dick! lol   They were taking pictures, and honestly I was photo'd enough there.  You would walk around and they wouldn't care if they blinded you, as long as they got pics of...bikini topped, not topless.  Guess didn't' have catalogs yet, lol. 

Whenever He did something He...regretted, He would buy me things, thinking it would make up for the wrong.  Sometimes it did, and others it didn't.  Diamonds are forever, but that didn't mean our relationship was.  He has mentioned, over the years, that my giving back  the lavish gifts, had an effect on Him.  He's never had that happen, prior to me or after me.  I care about sentimental value, not monetary.  I can keep the silliest of things as a 'token' or reminder...but I can just as easily throw them in the garbage, as to not be reminded.  Diamonds and jewelry will always be given back, I wouldn't throw them away.  He said I hurt His feelings when I returned His gifts, so He tried to hurt mine by sleeping with an acquaintance of mine.  She wasn't really a friend, just a user that wanted what I had.  He didn't tell me bc He said He was "ashamed" after doing it.  She told another friend, who in turn, told me.  I didn't care  bc I was finished with Him, but He flipped out when it was brought up bc He doesn't like being reminded of His mistakes.  I told Him that she wasn't the biggest mistake He made, being the total opposite of what He once was, that was His downfall, for me. 

Hope all enjoy the day. :) 

Hello and thank You for being patient, I appreciate it.  I am just touching base today, it's been a few hectic days (nights, actually), and I am trying to get back into 'normal' hours, lol.  I've had to be available for some overseas calls, and the hours weren't bad, but a few nights of having a reverse schedule, has put me on my butt for a day.  I did nothing but sleep yesterday (well, aside from a few calls that I had to take), so I am feeling a tad bit better. :) 

I would like to start answering some questions before I dive into anything...

"...Other sites?"  No.  I am not on a million dating sites.  I have no problem finding men, it's the type of Man, and that's why I was trying here.  I have been told to try out other kinky sites, but I am fine with this one; too many accounts can be a bit much, for me. CM hasn't made me throw in the towel, lol. ;)

"...music, do you play with it on or off?"  All depends on the type of play, for me.  I love music, and can get lost in classical whilst getting spanked, or teased, or..etc. ;)  Or become more alert to aggressive types of tunes...  all depends on the mood that's trying to be attained.  But make it a good mix or I can lose interest... if You're not into music, then just let me set the mood. Lol! :)

Here's a list of 5 albums that I could listen to over and over:  Paul Simon- "Graceland".  Amy Winehouse- "Back to Black". Alanis Morrisette- "Jagged Little Pill".  Grateful Dead- "American Beauty".  Talking Heads- "The Hits". (that's a cheat, but has mostly all of the greats and rare songs ;).

I'll answer questions about my First, perhaps a bit later, or tomorrow, depending on how I am feeling.  Hope You are having a great day, and stay warm. :)

Good morning, and thanks... I appreciate, and I am glad I can help or assist in any way. :)  So, I didn't think it was possible to experience another bad show, but Friday, went to one and it was the PITS!  I didn't want to go, but bc friends were pushing, I went.  Firstly, I didn't know what type of music or crowd that was going to be there...  Ok, I haven't seen so many dread-heads since college, which was...eh.  But what really got to me (bc I have a sensitive nose), the bad breath and patchouli.  Patchouli, that's fine...I like the smell of, but the halitosis was kicking.  So, after about being there for 12 minutes, I wanted to leave.  BUT, I didn't drive bc of my lack in geographical skills, lol.  So I was stuck at this show, with no way of leaving...and not even sure where I would go bc I don't know the area, lol!!  For about 3 hours, I literally just sat like a bump on a log, trying to hide my dislike of the music...  Many were kind with the offer of 'toking' but some didn't take my declining as proper manners.  Things could have gotten out of control, quickly, but diffusing iffy situations is something that comes naturally... And instead of having several "hippies" in birkenstocks chasing after us, I bought them shots; whiskey was the shot of choice.  And for you hippy rednecks, saying no in a polite way isn't being snobbish, and think again before calling yourselves hippies; having SUVs and pickups is kind of a no no for the real ones. :)  

Sorry, but that was a night of firsts for me.  First time, EVER that hippies were getting loud...and all bc I wouldn't toke! lol!  First time I resorted to bribery (but only bc I don't know the area that well, lol).  When home, all will be great!! 

Any body else have a better weekend story? :) 

Hi, and thanks.  I don't mind telling of my internal struggles; we all have them, and if my answering questions about cancer, D/s, etc. helps anyone in their journey, that's bonus. :)  I don't think I am a guidebook, but I've been around various types of people to be somewhat of a guide, to those that ask for my opinion and or advice.  I don't claim to be the 'all knowing submissive' but I know what I know. ;)  Tip for subs/slaves- First meet-up, DON'T wear something you may have to leave behind. ;)  Reason being- I have.  Smarter me now, leaves coat, shoes, purse (if bringing one) near the door.  I can scoop them up with one arm, as the other hand is turning the knob. I've worn boots over heels, just bc I didn't know what to expect.  Safety should always be your first priority, please understand that.  I know some of you don't think yourself worthy, but you are, and you will find the One that will make you feel special for just being you. :) 

My First...I have received more emails asking about Him, the relationship, etc. I don't mind answering questions about the relationship, but I won't answer personal questions about Him; that's for Him to decide.  He reads everything... He's a subscriber, lol.  I know I can speak freely on how it effected me, good and bad.  Although the bad was bad, I still don't think I'd change a thing.  Life is about learning and growing, right?  Well, I did that in leaps and bounds.  He did what He did, but it didn't ruin me.  I wouldn't let it.  I was the stronger one in leaving, and not looking back.  He didn't think I was capable of that, and that was His downfall.  He knew what made me tick, but I knew His 'Achilles' as well.  A good submissive is always very observant. ;)

Hope all have a good day. :) 

Thanks, and I appreciate the feedback. Sorry if you had to look them up, lol. But I do believe it's a bit sweeter when something is worked for. Now, I know not all agree. ;)

So, I'm at the Dr.'s office; why say 3:30 when I haven't seen him yet?!?  It's a second checkup from having the lungs drained (fluids/bronchitis).  Another scar, but luckily I do believe scars add character...and there's always the story behind them. :)

Yes, I do love and think life would be an unhappy one without it.  I love, perhaps differently than most, but I love all the same.  There is friend love. Family love. A lover's love...etc. I can love qualities about you, but despise you.  I know, I'm complicated and contradictory, but it's me. I never claimed to be a simpleton.  I am many things, but simple isn't one.  As I have said, I loved feeling the dominance from a D that I met, and I told Him as much. I'm not shy with my feelings; I can say I love someone, and they are certain of that love.  Even ones that I may have gone off the handle with, I love.  Love doesn't get switched off and on like a remote, but with me, I have the capability to walk away from love, no matter how much I love them.  Some may see that as callousness, but I'd rather walk away with that love, than stay and let it erode into a form of hatred.  I try not to hate, and I did "admit" that I have hatred in my heart (working on it though), and bc hate is a feeling, I do not like having feelings for those that don't deserve it.  Ok, now he's ready to see me... Have a good one. :)

Thanks, and no, I am not looking. I am good.  All I needed to do was clear my head about what I wanted, and how I wanted to go about doing it.  Aside from my RL, nothing is holding me back, but myself.  I think I am a bit of a self-saboteur...and I am trying to change that aspect bc I deserve happiness, as well.  Some relationships are worth fighting for, and others, aren't.  All depends on the person, relationship, etc.  I, being morose of late, have found that I can no longer tolerate ridiculous expectations, requests, etc. I am only worried about the present. Future.  No longer concerned with the past.  What's done is done, and I will blossom with the 'accepting and understanding' of it all.  Saying and doing, are two completely different beasts, each with its own pitfall, but staying vigilant with my feelings, that is what's going to pull me from my own abyss.  I do have bad days, but on the flip side, good days are present as well, and I cling to them more than I would have, if I wasn't in a loving relationship (or having my family near).  My family is...exhausting.  Yes, that is the perfect 'one word summation'.  But they (mostly) are there for each other, no matter how deep or how high the shit factor is...it comes with a price, but sometimes it's better than facing 'it' alone.  I have always been labeled the 'city mouse', or felt like an outsider bc I am not like anyone else in my family (numerous reasons, but I'll keep it to just the kink factor on here), but they don't treat me as such, and I guess I am harder on myself, so my view is skewed, lol.  I am a tough nut to crack, but when You do, the treat is always better when You understand why... 

Ps. if You really read the other journal, there are some juicy nuggets of info. :)

Sorry for my absence, I was...preoccupied with RL issues.  Thanks and again, apologies if worried, that's never my intent.  Words can even escape me... I know, impossible, but true.  I answered questions, just in a different way.  Hope it's acceptable, and let me know if not. ;) 

"I want to drive away, in the night, headlights call my name.  I, I'll never be, be what You see inside. You say I'm not alone, but I am petrified. You say that you are close, as close as closest star. You just feel twice as far, you just feel twice as far.  And I'll fall, and I'll break, and I'll fake...all I wanna.  And I'll fall down, and I'll break down, and I'll fake you out, all I wanna."

"Time won't change you. Money won't change you. I haven't got the faintest idea.  Everything seems to be up in the air at this point.  I need something to change your mind. Drugs won't change you. Religion won't change you. I haven't got the faintest idea.  Everything seems to be in up in the air at this time. I need something to change your mind."

"...Aka Benz is to me just a car; That mean your friends need to be up to a par, see my standards are pampered by threesomes tomorrow (uhh).  Kill'em all dead bodies in the hallway.  Don't get involved listen what the crystal ball say..."

"When will we get the time to be just friends? It's never safe for us, not even in the evening 'cos I've been drinking. Not in the morning, when your shit works. It's always dangerous when everybody's sleeping, and I've been thinking.  Can we be alone? Can we be alone?
When will we get the time to be just friends? When will we get the time to be just friends?
And no I'm not ashamed, but the guilt will kill you...If she don't first. I'll never love you like her, though we need to find the time to just do this shit together, for it gets worse. I wanna touch you, but that just hurts. When will we get the time to be just just friends? 
When will we get the time to be just friends.  Just friends?"

"...other dancers may be on the floor, dear but my eyes will see only you. Only you have the magic technique, when we sway, I go weak. I can hear the sound of violins long before it begins, make me thrill as only you know how, sway me smooth, sway me now."

Ha...and NO.  Sex isn't what I was speaking of (:53 seconds)- I wish it was, that's easy to get over...and I'm used to it, so no 'biggy smalls' there.  Death, that's what I was speaking of...and one in particular.  I've lost ones to war (many went back to my homeland to fight), illness, accidents, accidental overdoses, etc...  Nothing could have prepared me for losing a most beloved relative, at such a young age.  Nothing.  I can be ok, but something will trigger an emotion, and then I just shut down.  I try not to let on, as best as I can, but when pushed to answer what's the matter, I just want to yell, 'what do you think??'.  But that's not how I act, so I just push further into the 'numbness' and hope that I am doing a great job of 'acting' normal.  Those that know me, know I am just putting on a show, but they don't try to push me into talking about what I am feeling; they know I'll talk when I am ready.  I am very grateful for my friends, (and some family ;), but I am going to give Mine His props now bc He deserves.  He has allowed me to be me, not pushing or pulling me, just letting me be until He needs to convene.  I haven't injured myself, gotten a reckless tattoo, piercing, etc.  There is nothing that will take this away, fully, but I know Mine will make it better with time, structure, play, etc.  I need to let Him use me, completely.  He can make me His 'puppet', and I know He wouldn't take advantage of my vulnerability or emotional state.  He'll use my emotions to work for me, not against me... I love Him for that, (and other various reasons. ;)

Apologies if I come across as sappy, but I just, "call it like I see it, and my glasses on. But most of y'all don't the get picture 'less the flash is on..".  Yeah, listening to music, and it came on, so just went with it.  A pic to those that know the song, lol! :) 

Thank you for the emails, I appreciate every one, and hope all are staying warm.

Hi, and thanks.  I am going to write an honest, heartfelt journal.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am just putting down what was asked of me, but I will be the most open I've ever been.  Nothing is sexy or kinky about this...  I don't want it to be.  It's how I am feeling, and I've been asked numerous times to do an "I admit..."  So, now I will do it, but in journal form bc I feel more comfortable doing so...

 I admit that :53 seconds in December (LOST A BELOVED), completely gutted and changed me.  I admit that from that day on, I have not been the same.  I admit that my rage is taking me further into my psyche, and it's DARK.  I admit I am scaring myself with the "hatred" I have for the ones who took her from me.  I admit that I am afraid of where it will lead me.  I admit that since that day, I have been on a slow (and sometimes rapid) spiral downwards.  I admit that I have never been so filled with anger (yes, like a dog) that at times, I render myself useless.  I admit that I am slowly becoming the abyss within me; unfeeling at times, indifferent, etc.  I admit that I do not want to slip further into the "darkness", bc I am afraid I will not be able to be pulled from it.  I admit that this may sound like a cry for help, but please believe me when I say, it's not.  I admit, I do not like pity. 

This was my way of letting You/you know where I am, what I am feeling...and not feeling.  

I hope all have a good day, and stay warm.   

*(shakes head)* My profile is hidden for numerous reasons, some being; overwhelming emails, chats, friend requests, real life, etc.  Even though it's hidden, I still receive emails (aside from friends and subscribers) and that's fine, but this email in particular has solidified my decision to remain hidden:

"you seem beautiful inside &out. no matter you will be dirty cum whore filty slut all holes. do what told cumin only when master says. sound fun"

What this email makes me want to do is reply and fix the grammatical errors... but if I replied, it may only encourage to send more. 

I do not like to read any of this in the first email (wait until at least the second, lol):

1. Being told what to do by someone I do not know.

2. Being called 'yours' or any other various names

3. Asking about bareback.

4. Asking about breeding.

5. Asking about anal.

6. Asking about anal licking. (toss salad)

7. Asking me to fuck, suck, be used, etc. for money

8. Telling me, 'I'm what you're looking for'.

9. Telling me, 'You'll eat pussy if I tell you to.'

10. Telling me. 'You'll be used in gangbangs and drink cum from a cup.'

I don't have time to put more down, but I hope You at least get the picture.  The email, is Your introduction to me, not me to You.  If You want a response, please put a little effort into it. 

Thanks.

I am not looking for a sex toy, lol...  What I said was that I told the youngsters, that's what they would be to me, not that I am seeking.  If sex was all I was looking for, I'd merely go (insert wherever), and pick one up... Or recycle an old lover (that's worth my time ;).  Sex is amazing, and can be great, mind blowing, etc. But that's not all I am seeking.  Serving, obeying, pleasing...that's what gets me off.  That's what makes me tick.  Hearing a moan,  seeing a smile, or caressing my head before my hair is being grabbed; that's what I feed off of. 

There are a few that can get out of me what I need... and They want. One is from this site.  I knew within minutes bc I could feel Him, without Him being near.  He had a presence that made me want to stop what I was doing, and just please and pleasure Him.  But, due to my situation, it wasn't always easy to be at His beck and call, and that's something He needs.  I accepted that, but I did think that I would be His...or that I belonged to Him, just that the timing was off.  He was honest with me, and for that, He will always have my respect and well wishes. 

Hi, and thanks for the emails... I am glad most appreciated; and to the ones that didn't- SHOCKER! lol ;)  If you're a fake, don't go hard at us... If you're just learning, then simply state that in your profile.  Blah, blah...  I have wasted enough time on the fakes. 

Guys/gals, when it comes down to it, you should be able to tell within minutes of meeting if you are feeling the D/M or not.  Honestly, it's that simple.  If you are chatting (or have been chatting) with someone, and the interest is there, but no spark when you meet... Don't make it into something it's not.  Friends aren't bad to have in this realm, and I've met (and haven't met) some of the nicest people. 

I am answering questions now, about me: 

I am not into younger guys.  They would be used as sex toys, by me.  Please do not contact if you aren't at the legal age to drink. lol.  I usually won't go lower than ten years younger than myself.  I've always been with older, but youngsters can be used for one thing; sex.  I am upfront about it, and they usually decide they're ok with it bc they'll still be able to enjoy me.  If I need a good, great, or mind-blowing 'rogering', (and not in a relationship), I am grateful to have a bevy of options.  Young bucks with minds that can only fuck... I'd be topping from bottom.  But if I get fucked senseless, it'll be worth it. Ha! :)

I'll be doing a couple journals today, hope all are staying warm. :)

Hi, and thanks.  I am just going to take a time out from answering questions, and address the many growing number of emails/topics,  I've been receiving from other subs/slaves. 

Real Dominants and Masters will not get offended with what I am going to say... For the fakes, phonies and frauds, think of it as... a wake up call; We don't need you, you want us.

Feelings:  What makes this any different than dating in the 'vanilla' (blerg!) world??  Would you not show a little respect to someone that you're interested in?  Perhaps buy a drink at a bar?  Dinner?  Okay, then.  We (subs) are people.  Humans with feelings (mostly, can't speak for pain sluts, lol ;).  As a whole, we don't like to be called "cunts, yours, cum dump(ster), etc." in the first email.  You do not know personally, so why be such a d-bag?  Again, for most, it's such a turn off.  Tip: Being considerate, isn't a weakness.

Abuse: If you are a woman hater, go be your true self (gay) and then maybe, you can be happy.  For the men/women who like to abuse your subs/slaves via verbal; are they responding to it??  Do you see the glee in their eyes as you insult them?  Do you know them enough to be speaking to as such?  I am not a submissive that responds positively to that, and I know there are many, many others like me.  So, if you were a real D/M, you'd be able to see and notice the behavior doesn't elicit the response you were looking for, but fakes and phonies aren't intuitive enough, and proceed with damaging the psyche of another with no care or regard for their well-being.  Again, not a D/M trait.  Real knows when to push, pull and reel back; if you don't know how to do that, please refrain from calling yourself a Master.  And just bc you enjoy hurting, hitting, slapping, etc. another, does not mean you are dominant, it simply means you're an asshole.  Abusing someone that may need what you say you offer doesn't give you carte blanche to go all UFC on someone.  Tip: Get with someone who shares similar kinks. IF you're not into sadistic, don't go with a sadist.

When reading some of the emails pertaining to this subject, it makes me so gloriously happy at where I am in my life.  I am not joking when I say, I'd rather be 36 than 26.  I have done much, seen plenty and dealt with more... and I am ever so grateful that I am at peace with who and what I am.  And I still look forward to grow and learn as I go...  Life is short, go after what you want. :)

***Continue from earlier***

I don't say anything out of disrespect, but I am just calling it as I see it.  ALL of the Ds that I have met, I talked to a very long time; they knew me from my previous profile. 

Continuing with the Guy from NY:  Let's just call Him, JBC (inside joke:).  JBC is a great guy, but not a dominant (to me).  Bc You can teach, doesn't mean you're dominant...just means you can lead, and that's a great thing; not all can do that.  We spoke for a long time, met up and didn't have sex.  After a car accident, being in DC and checking emails, is how we got back in touch.  See, the thing was that when we did meet up the first time, I didn't feel the dominance.  He was lovely, but I didn't think I could serve him.  But when corresponding resumed after hiatus, we exchanged some pics...and bc I am honest, his dick piqued my interest (and the promise of mind blowing sex).  lmao!  I know, but it's true.  I said I'll always be honest.  After some more corresponding and some missed opportunities, we finally hooked up, and insert that night we met up...blah, etc. blah.  That equals the crazy journal entries, lol. 

So, I have brushed upon a little further, yes?  I am still getting questions about my First, and I'll answer, but if You would be as kind as to let me know what You'd rather;  continue on with describing the Ds I've met from the site?  Or my First?

Look forward to hearing Your responses, and hope the day was kind to all. :)

Hi and thank You. I appreciate any and all vibes, prayers, thoughts, etc. that come my way; and of course I send back with as much care that was sent. :)

First, my dog is doing a wee bit better, but no miracle in sight. :(  I hate being the 'decider' in the matter... But I will NEVER let him suffer; that would be so selfish of me.  I couldn't be. It's not fair.  I don't want another dog...that much I know.  Thank You for the offers of giving me one, but I won't be able to not compare any to mine.  He is one of a kind.   Ok, but enough with that...makes me sad thinking of it.

Second, there are actually 2 Ds from NY that I've met.  One, I will dub- NYDMENT.  NY Mentor.  He's awesome, and actually gives me advice without judging or trying to manipulate me.  He knows I am too smart for that, and allows me to open up to Him.  And He's been around the longest... I guess for a reason. :) 

The other...Guy from NY, I can't call NY DOM.  That wouldn't be fair to Doms.  He is a leader, that doesn't mean he's a D. 

**HAVE TO LEAVE, BUT WILL CONTINUE**

Hey, and thanks... I like to be "me" and I'm glad most get. :)  I don't have much time (dog is super sick :(.  

Like I've said, I've met Ds from the site and I will delve deeper into each one.  Wish I could do it now, take my mind from other issues, but my dog comes first.  He's sleeping now, so I think I'll try to get some too.  Nap time. 

Hope all have a great weekend (and stay warm, if in my area). 

(In my best ER dr. voice)  ALL CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!! 

Holy jeepers, I have waited for various test results before, and honestly, this time was so nerve-wracking!!  So much so that, 'that' will never happen again.  EVER!  I do not care if You have papers, shots, etc.  I am not a fool...I may be foolish at times, but not involving sex, again.  Rubbers are a must with me bc I can't take birth control for medical reasons.  I will not fuck without using condoms, period. 

**I know they are not full proof, but it's all about easing my mind.**

I am rapid fire journals today, bc I can...  Now, I've been asked, "why is my profile hidden", and here's the simple answer:  I have too many emails to try and read.  I needed a break from all of that.  It was becoming over-whelming (well, always was, just that I am not in the right frame of mind for anything new).  I am always honest in whatever I write, but I couldn't be honest to everyone...Not everyone deserves all of me.  And I did go a bit bonkers with my journaling a few weeks ago (or whenever), so I was embarrassed of that.  I am a feelings 'journaler'.  I tend to put down into words what I am feeling, if I feel I can't express vocally.  And I may have gone a little cray cray, lol...but it was for good reason.  Firstly, it's how I was feeling at the time, and I try not to censor myself.  But I will always take advice from friends on here.  Secondly, I rarely ask for anything from someone else (really), so when I do ask, it would behoove One to understand that, and just do what was asked, as quick as possible.  That's not me being demanding or anything like that... I simply do not like being ignored.  In my 'Hates' list, Corner Time is on the list...and it's there for a reason.  I don't mind when I deserve it, but don't think I will go willingly and sit there, waiting when I don't know why I am there in the first place.  So don't expect me to be some saint whilst waiting for you, and you're doing whatever you want.  Don't get mad bc what is good for the goose, is good for the gander. :) 

Here's one thing I DO NOT understand for the life of me...  If You're a 'trainer' of subs/slaves, why do you not have one?!?  LOL!  I get sent emails, all the time, about how I should go here or there bc They've trained before...  I DO NOT want a trainer! I don't need one.  There really is no 'wow' factor in it for me when I hear You've trained "many around the world"... to me, it just makes it seem like You are a user, liar, and/or care very little about the subs/slaves You've supposedly trained or owned. 

I DO NOT want a D/M who thinks that all subs/slaves are interchangeable.  If You go by that logic, then aren't You as disposable??  See, I was hung up on a Dom from Florida (He'll be dubbed FLA Dom in future, lol) and what He did, was ignore me, thinking that I would want him more.  Silly, actually, bc all it did was make me lose interest.  I know what He was doing, but I don't play games anymore and we weren't exclusive.  I won't put up with rubbish if I am not in a D/s relationship. I am 36 years old, time for game playing has been over. And it honestly doesn't bother me when You try to 'hurt' me in some childish way bc it just shows me the mentality of what You're working with, and I thank you for that. :)   Ps. I don't get jealous, so please stop trying. lmao!  You can send me a pic of you being surrounded by women, all you want, and all that will do is just make me feel bad for you bc you felt you had to try and hurt me... But again, it won't bother me bc I don't care.    

Hello and thanks... I appreciate any and all still sticking with me.  I'll be back to rights, soon, I hope. 

Well, I did say that I would write about the "Doms" I've met; so I will start with the last...

NY Dom- The "dom" I met with, wasn't a Dom at all, really, so that super sucked!  Again, to me, being a Dom/Master is much more than rough sex.  To me, if You're looking for switch women, you're looking to be topped from the bottom, at some point...that's so not for me.  Some Ds may say, 'oh, it's a test of their wills...see if I can break them...'.  and I find it funny when the Switch breaks the D!!  If I feel I can dom you, there's no point in going any further; it's a waste of my time.  But with this one, it was a waste of time, money and sexual urges.  Waste of time bc neither wasn't feeling up-to-par, had to leave my friends show earlier than I would have liked to bc he was tired...it sucked.  Sex sucked.  You know when You're promised something, and You look forward to it...and then You're let down??  Well, that's exactly how I felt. lol!  I was needing something to help take my mind off some of the shitty things that are going on with my life, and this particular night, went spectacularly awry!  Also, I have zero problems paying for me/us, but looking to me for money, isn't cool.  I will always offer, but I'd rather not be expected to pay.  And there is so much more I can go into...but I feel like I am bad mouthing, when in reality, I am just telling what happened, how I felt, etc. 

To the newbies that subscribed to my journal, hello and thank You guys/gals.  I will email each a thank You, but I do have a quick question, if You don't mind answering:  Bc my profile is hidden, how did You get to view? Subscribe to journal? Admire? 

I am just wondering, thank You in advance. :)

Good morning to All. :)  I just wanted to say thank You for the kindness, as always, I super appreciate.  I know I haven't been getting to any good stuff lately, but that will change. Depending on what spare time I have today, I am going to try and really update this profile.  I don't want to delete and start over...that's the pits.  So, I am going to try and work some magic to see what I can do. 

It will be honest; will talk about the experiences I have had on the site, and meeting some from the site.  I never do names, so I will think of how to describe each one, and go from there.  I hope all are having a great new year so far.   

Hello and thank You Guys (and gals :).  I am feeling a bit better, the rage has subsided a bit. lol. ;)  I am going to re-vamp my profile tomorrow... Need to spruce it up; take out some rubbish, add some info, etc.  Perhaps a pic or two. :) 

Thank You for reading and staying with me here, it's been a ride, right? lol!!  I will be around tomorrow, and please ANY of You, feel free to email with any questions.  I am only able to be seen by You, so I will answer whatever You ask. 

I hope all are having a good day, and stay warm. :)

I apologize for seeming like a bitch, but I can only take so much... I have reached my limit and think it's best if I just do me and forget about trying to find the male equivalent to the elusive "Unicorn" (in BDSM way), lol!  I AM NOT A UNICORN, PLEASE STOP ASKING ME!!

Thank You, Rosetta Stone!!! 

Hallo! Ich kann es im Frühjahr geleitet. Ich bin aufgeregt, nervös und ängstlich, aber das ist auch nur ein Mensch, oder? Ich stelle einen Fühler zu sehen, wer gerne meine "Kinky" Tourguide wäre. Danke und freuen uns, von Ihnen zu hören. Haben Sie einen großen Tag.

Thanks, and yes...it was a definitely an interesting NYE!! :)  Reading some of Yours/yours, I am glad to see fun was had by all! ;)  Okay, I have to say this bc if You think I am not answering Your/your emails on purpose, that's sad and so not the case.  When I am online, here's what happens:  I log in, get ready to answer some questions, and... BAM!  Chats, emails...but You have to realize that every time my page refreshes, I get at least 2 or more pages of emails.  Meaning that if You just sent me one, by the time I am finished with another, it's lost in the pages of emails.  Please don't send emails stating how I am not reading them, when in fact, I DON'T SEE THEM!!  I have friends, good friends from here, that I haven't emailed bc I haven't seen theirs, and I hope they understand.  If I see a chat from a friend, I would rather chat bc they know I am not ignoring. 

I am going to write another journal, and then I think I am finis.

I didn't even remember doing it.  Huh?  Well, all good now. Lol. Thank You/you ;) and right back at...  Any-hizzle, I'm super blah blazo'd and will hit it up... Probably tomorrow, not going to lie- Bed is calling.  And I'll share, if You share...  ;) 

Sorry about that, I was asked to keep that private. 

Hey, lol.. Me again. ;) when cell was lost, it shut down, so now I have to figure out how to uninstall yahoo again!  It's going bananas and driving me to want to throw it, (and I can't do that until replacement is in hand, lol).  

"Would you relocate for a married man?"   Let's just say that You are the richest man in Your town, state, country and it also happens you have the biggest cock this (or that) side of the Mississippi...  You have to be a dick to not see what You're asking.  Or, You're asking the wrong lady, is more likely.  Why would I uproot my life, to be Your mistress (or P/T sub???), somewhere I have no friends, etc. You have the cake, want to lick the frosting, spit on it so no one else will touch...?  NO.  So not interested in being that....unless, I can fuck around too??  Yeah, that's what I thought.  lol ;)

Hehahehaheha!!  I know, I do love that about this site. It's 'match' for kinksters! :)  Not answering anymore questions, just wanted to wish ALL a Happy and safe New Years Eve/New Year.  Friends from here, please don't be silly and drink and drive. I don't think I could EVER forgive You for that...especially knowing why. 

I'm all about having a good time, but responsibility should be factored in there, somewhere.  **for example, put cab fare aside and leave before spending. Or, flirt and have drinks bought. Lol ;)**

I am going to try and answer a crap load of questions (pertaining to what I seek in a D/M; physical, etc.).  Ok?  Here we go...

Looks-  I prefer taller.  Or don't tell me to wear heels. :)  Fit to chubby;  I don't find body builders attractive, but respect what they do.  Tried one out for a bit (had the best ass, but no neck, lol;), so I know the dedication that is involved.  And chubby if height/weight proportionate. I love being able to jump into arms that I know can catch me...being flung onto a bed, tossed about.  Mental attraction trumps all.   

The only thing that will deter me is religion.  I will not become (insert a religion), if I don't believe.  I will not bow down to ANY man who thinks bc of their religion they are better than me.  I am not religious, but live a lifestyle.  It's Your choice to believe what You believe, as long as it's not forced upon me, all good.

 Personality- One who can be fun, funny...laugh at life; good times and bad.  I am caring, giving, feisty at times (in a good way, mostly), so I am looking for someone that will bring the same energy...match or heighten it.  I am all about adventures, learning, exploring...push my limits, but know when to reel me back.  Someone who gets what I am and knows I can be even more.  Not egotistical...it's such a bore listening to someone just go on and on about themselves, all the time.  I tune it out, lol. Like white noise. ;)  I love listening, and am a great listener, but just make sure the discussion is interesting. lol.

Random (questions that vary)- I despise lying.  I don't see the need for it.  Honesty will get You everywhere with me.  The only thing I do not talk about is work, in detail.  I have a business that depends on keeping clients' secrets, secret.  I am open and honest about every other aspect of my life, and I would like the same in return.  Be financially stable.  I am not Your savior.  I am fine with having to pay for myself, but don't expect me to financially care for you.  I think it ruins the dynamic of the D/s relationship bc I would be taking care of You.  I want to care for You in ways You need; needs, desires, sexual, conversations, etc.  When I say I want 1950's, I literally mean it.  I can still do things from home (monetary means), but I am looking for someone who wants to teach me to cook what they like, and it'll be ready when they are home from work.  And He'll kiss or pat me on the head and complement how nice the house looks, how great the food smells, and even notices the fresh flowers...  Yes, I have it all pictured in my head, but the One is kind of fuzzy or faceless, lol.  I want to be everything to Mine, and Mine to be everything to me.

*** I am answering what I was asked.  You want to know, and maybe it'll lessen the emails. I am very particular, and won't settle for less. NO one should. ;) ***

Feeling a little "randy"... Self-destructive.  I think I'm going to do some damage tonight!!  "...I wanna fuck and a fight...".  Yes, I'm most certainly going to get my freak on.  Thought one thing, but I now know/realize--way off (well, had an incling but all good now).  And Sunday was the better day of the shows, thank You for asking. :).  I had some tame plans for NYE, now fuggetaboutit (lol).  "I'ma worry bout me, give a fuck about you...".   

Have a safe eve!  

Hold back the straps, lol...  What I was trying to say in writing the "perfect blend of Dom"(no, I'd be a slave for that mixture, lol;), is that I did the "three words see first" word jumble, and the three I saw were: Experience. Intelligence. Power. 

Ps. The first two are characters, so...yeah, that's so super realistic. Lol. ;)

Okay, here's the deal-io..  I am answering emails from the day that I said I would answer (any question, but just that day). Ok, now You remember. ;)  I correspond with friends, if I have the time, but there are times when I'm unable- Please don't get offended and send an email You may regret later. If You know me, then You know I don't ignore bc I don't like it myself; I'll never do something that I wouldn't want done to me. Easy, right?  Not always the case...  

But this is what I actually logged on to say, but then became sidetracked (lol)- I am not looking. I am not seeking anyone. I CAN be happy, but time will tell...  Now, bc I have been bombarded with those type of questions, if You think You're the One, please be a blend of "Eric Northman", "Hannibal" (tv version;) and Christoph Waltz. (Bc that is the only way I can be swayed). Then by all means, email away! Lmao ;)

Thanks, and this is definitely not worth taking pants off, it's that kind of quickie. ;)

PLEASE be honest about Your age, I do not like being deceived about it.  If profile says '42' and you're 53, I think it's time to update, yes??  And thank You for mentioning, and honestly I don't mind if people use the pics that are on my profile, or even words, but at least paraphrase, lol!  I have been sent my words, on (as) other's profiles...they say imitation is a form of flattery, but I view it as being lazy. :) 

Thank You for the well wishes and happy holidays, I hope All got what they wanted. 

Bc You asked-- This weekend I had a great time, and I think...no, I know it was needed. 

I don't think it needs to be said, but I'll say anyway:  Have a great New Year's eve, but don't make someone else's a shitty one by drinking and driving.  Call a cab!

Wishing All a Happy (and safe) New Year. 

This is a conversation I was having with a Dom friend; I asked if it was okay to journal about, and He said yes. 

This is about submission and dominance; both being gifts.

I, being a submissive, believe that my submission is a gift that I offer to a Dominant Man.  But I also believe that the dominance and 'aftercare' that are given from a Dominant, are gifts as well.  Yes, being submissive is innate in me, but that doesn't mean that everyone gets to experience my submission.  Therefore, it is a gift. 

My Dom friend thinks that just bc somebody was born submissive (or Dominant) means that it isn't really a gift to do something that comes naturally. 

My retort was that I was born with a pussy, but that doesn't mean I am going to allow every penis inside it/me, just bc that's what it is for. *penis and pussy naturally go together (just for this example. ;)*

So, we ended the conversation on that... Thoughts?

Ps. I know many things can be inserted into a pussy, I was just trying to make a point. :)

This is a quickie-- My email blew up, and I now see why... I apologize, I am NOT looking for a roommate.  I only meant to change my age, and must have accidentally hit a button.  Again, sorry for the mix-up.  And yes, I am a Sagittarius. 

I am a bit busy today, which is a good thing... I think.  I hope all have a good day, and I'll try to get to emails later. :)

I constantly get asked, "what do you do when you need to obey, serve, etc.?"  Not many know of what I am (or am into) simply bc they wouldn't believe it unless they saw it (which would never happen), but there are things and ways that I can 'obey' without being or having a Dom or Master.  I take bets, dares...if someone thinks I can't do something, I'll try it.  I may fail, but it's better than not trying at all.  For instance, I had gone almost 2 weeks without shaving my legs (I would have done the 2 weeks, but I was supposed to visit someone, but then tragedy struck...)  But while in DC, I was dared to only take cold showers for 2 weeks (yes, 2 weeks is the min).  I did it.  It was awful, and I learned how to do it quickly. lol!  It did do some damage; the cold affected my extremities, but I did it, and it was a good feeling...just not as great when pleasing.  Another thing, bc I enjoy sex, doesn't mean I am a hussy.  I don't just fuck any and everyone; I am selective.  If I am not dating anyone in particular, I may recycle.  Recycle means that I've already had sex with them; my number doesn't go up, there's no messy feelings involved... it is what is, sex.  I haven't had sex in some while, but I am just not feeling it at the moment...  I know why, and I know it will work itself out...or not, I don't know. 

I am wondering off the questions, and thinking about things I don't want to right now... I'll try again later. 

Thanks, and I was going to go a little further into detail about My First, so it's all good. 

There are few things that I would like to clear up about Him:  1. I stayed bc I loved Him.  I didn't voluntarily enter into a D/s relationship, bc I had zero idea what one was.  He was amazing, caring, made me feel like the only gal in the world...  After He took my virginity, I was ashamed, embarrassed, upset, etc. But the way He soothed me, took me into His arms and made me feel how much He did care, that was all I needed.  2.  When I say He broadened my entire world, I am talking about sexually.  I was always the curious one, or the aggressor when experimenting with sex;  when I was a youngster (pre-teen), I had a boy that I would let do things to me- Only what I wanted done, and I never did anything to him.  Never fucked, obviously, but 3rd(ish) is where it stopped.  And then after that, I became prudish in my teens.  The reason that happened is bc growing up in a small town, everyone knows everyone's business- That wasn't going to happen to me.  So, I went out with boys from other schools as well, but still couldn't do anything bc of it getting around.  (THIS IS WHY I HATE DOUBLE STANDARDS)  3. I brought up His wealth bc He has always kept tabs on my life. Always.  I did not stay with Him for money, lol, I didn't need His.  And He isn't the type of Man that is okay with being used...He does the using. ;)

Thanks, and I try to be 'Switzerland' about most, but lately there have been some very disturbing emails, and it's creeping me out a little.  I needed something to make my head stop...or clear a bit, and reading the emails and writing about silliness is better than trying to concentrate on work, and muck up where it counts.  If I seem a bit off, it's bc I am, but not going to rehash that gash. 

It's time to answer some questions- My First seems to be the topic de jour, so that is where I will start... THE BEGINNING OF HIM  

We met at a holiday party, and I blew Him off in the beginning.  I thought He was a cop (had on a jacket) when He approached, but bc I wasn't drinking (the 'DD'), I was cocky with Him.  He said He enjoyed the banter, and asked me if He could drive me home later. I reminded that I was the designated driver and couldn't leave my buds without a ride.  He excused himself for a moment, came back with my coat and said that they would have a better ride if I let Him drive me home.  I hesitated, He saw and pointed out the window and asked if they'd enjoy the limo better.  I asked my best gf and she said they'd prefer it, etc. (Please remember, we were in hs).  I didn't know Him well, but an older friend did know Him and said He was good peeps... He knew me; well, the athlete (via news/papers), not so much me.  He asked me 'Why?' a lot.  Gosh, that was so annoying. lol!  I quit something in hs, and He was disappointed that I allowed someone to do that to me, and He was trying to nudge into going back to it.  I didn't and wouldn't.  I told Him as much, and He said He'd tried. I did let Him know that He wasn't the only one who has tried, and to not take it the wrong way.  He was lovely in the beginning!! 

  THE ENDING OF HIM

This isn't going to be long... He is a member of the site.  He still wishes to own me. He knows I will be honest and truthful...  As I have said, I was with Him for almost 3 years, engaged to Him, and He almost 'branded' me with His thumbprint (on my hip).  I know, engaged??  Yes.  Before He became a possessive jerk, He was sweet and broadened my entire world.  Our relationship wasn't what it was, and He became more aggressive and possessive as my collegiate years were progressing... He didn't respect the safe word, He experimented with things that terrified me, became territorial, and vicious to friends (males, His business partners) that were friendly with me.  But I sucked all that up, until I couldn't anymore;  when He burned me, I knew I was over Him. Over the type of relationship, etc.  I stayed bc of loyalty, but when He did that, He knew it was only a matter of time bc of previous incidents.  He didn't apologize after releasing me from the restraints, so I walked out on Him and never looked back.  He called, tried to visit, have friends talk to me for Him, etc.  I wanted no part of it. After being free of Him, for almost 2 years... I find the total opposite and marry him.  I know, it was a mistake, but I always learn from them.  Well, when the engagement was announced, He came back into my life.  I had to have a sit down with Him and let Him know that I was serious about my fiancé (ex-hubby) and to please not interfere anymore.  The only way He agreed was if I were to get divorced, that I give Him/us another shot.  As I have mentioned, He has more money than God, Buddha, etc. combined, and I thought I was going to be married forever...wrong!  He did what He said He would, and showed up.  He wouldn't leave me alone for the first few months...and He ruined a relationship on me.  As of today, I think we are in a good place bc He hasn't bothered, so much as hovered... He knows in His heart, I am not His, but He has said that He wants me in His life, in any capacity.  There are times that I think of Him (when seeing the burn scars) and get angry, but then it subsides bc I grew leaps and bounds, personally and emotionally.  That, to me, is priceless. 

There are things that I put up with on the site, that I normally wouldn't ...but one thing I didn't expect was to be judged.  I don't judge and I don't care to be judged, so please keep in mind that you are really nothing more than what I want you to be in my life.  This is a good site, if it's not taken too seriously, and only recently have I been getting some odd emails...  For instance, I am not owned, so why would it be a big deal if I wanted to shove bananas up my arse, suck a cock, fuck a hand (? Lol) etc.  I am not happy with having to deal with the whole 'double standards' in general, but I didn't think it would be prevalent on this site.  Just bc I am a lady who likes, enjoys and knows how to fuck like a whore, doesn't mean I will put up with boorish behavior. Until Ownership is claimed, I will simply be me... I am a slut for whomever I feel I want to be slutty for...submissive to Dominating men, but again,  not all get to dominate me.  Lastly, I am a slave for One...not all can break me.

Oh, to some ladies on the site... bc I have mentioned the 'stanky cock/balls' thing and how it grosses me out, well, the guys have spoken and would like the same in return.  Wash up ladies, rancid tuna is not a turn on.  YUCK!!  Just thinking about it almost made me gag!!  FYI, I don't even stink when on 'cotton express'.  Ladies, unless your man likes it, no one wants to smell "snapper stew".  No joke! 

There will be a few journals today, but to start off, here's some highlights:  IF I were into chicks, I would have one (or a few, several) as my sub(s).  I have had enough requests from both male and female subs to be their Domme, and mostly, I have no interest. I am not into chicks- I am strictly dickly!! 

IF You are in the porn industry, please don't contact me until You are out of the business.  I am not, nor am I looking to become, the next "Deepthroat" lol.  I know it's a job, etc. but it's not one I am interested (or proud) in helping You grow.  Please respect that. 

Yes, boredom is one of the few fears I have.  I become irritated when bored...reckless, even. It's not something I can control on my own, but maybe someone can help with that. :)

Thank You for thinking it would be a shame if I were 'vanilla', but in reality, wouldn't it be easier??  I will never be, so no worries there (lol) but I do wish I had a more normal craving...life would be easier.  Most subs/slaves understand what I am saying.

My First (when I say My First, I am talking of the One who introduced me to my kinky side, not my ex-husband.) didn't take anal bc He isn't into it.  I knew what He was doing, and yes, He did it well...but I didn't let it get to me bc I really didn't want to give it up, regardless if asked for or not. (and yes, I think I would have fought back harder if He would have tried to take my ass).  When talking, don't bring up anal bc as I have said, it is something that will be for my Owner, only.   

Submissives need to feel wanted. Dominants want to feel needed. 

Thanks for the emails, I appreciate them. And yes, I am going to continue answering previous emails, please be patient. Thanks and have a good day. 

I need to feel something, or the nothingness will fully consume and it will be too late. 

Bc of my phone going bonkers with alerts-- I am not into online romances, human toilet services, or medical assessments.  Boredom is a fear.  And to the lady that emailed and then blocked-- if I offended, that's my bad and I didn't mean to.  What I said wasn't directed to anyone in particular (I didn't know you existed when writing, lol :) but to right the wrong, let me quote a great lady, "...ain't no shame baby do your thang, just make sure you ahead of da game."  I could care less what anyone does for money, that's between you, your god, etc...  I am just being me, answering questions that were asked, how one interprets, is on how one views themselves. ;)

Apologies for rapid fire journals, but doing it bc I am at a loss. I am trying to keep my word, regarding emails, but when I am asked about my hards, which I have answered repeatedly, or relocation, or what I am into, etc. IF YOU CARE TO GET TO KNOW ME, IN ANY CAPACITY, READ THE JOURNALS.  I know, they are long...but if You don't have 15-20 mins to spare in reading something, about someone You may be interested in, then I won't have time to answer Your email(s).  I have NEVER searched for a D/M on the site, bc I am a female and s/s, yeah I know, but if I was going to search, I'd take the time to read what They have written bc They took the time to write it!  Please do the same for me, thanks. :)

Heavens to Mergatroid, just saw how many subscribe to my journal. :)  Thank You ALL for taking the time out to read, ask questions or just send moral support...I appreciate You. :)

Thanks for all the questions, still working on them but it's hard bc have pages to sift through, but wanted to address something quickly;  I said I would answer any questions that were asked, that day only...THAT DAY ONLY.  I have given some that were hours off a pass bc of time difference, location, etc.  I try to be fair.  There were a couple really great questions, and luckily for me, they were asked after the deadline . Whew, lol! :) 

Hope all have a great day. :) 

I get this question, a lot... 

'What are you looking for in a D/M?"   Simply put:  Someone who intrigues my mind and body. Someone who is truly interested in 24/7 D/s lifestyle, not just in the bedroom. Yes, I will be Your fucktoy, Your trophy, Your good girl, but please respect me for giving You my submission and handle it with care. A few kind words occasionally is all I need to keep going. I need to feel wanted, appreciated, proud of while I am serving You and Your needs and desires, which in return fulfills mine.

Yeah, so I'm guessing that maybe it wasn't such a great idea to give carte blanche with the questions...lol!  I apologize for not getting to most, but I will try to answer all.  Yes, I said all. :)  But there are a few things that I wanted to clear up:  I am not leaving CM bc of any bad experiences, and I have only met four Doms, from this site...but have made some friends ON the site. :)  I am taking a hiatus bc of medical reasons.  Plain and simple.  If I am unable to give You my all, then I will not give any... That is the way, this slutty sub rolls. lol :)

I won't be on much anymore, so I am going to give ALL a chance to ask whatever they want...  Nothing is off limits.  Today is the only day I will do this.  I would like to stay in touch with the friends that I have made; You know my email.  Good luck to all, who are seriously looking for that special someone... And to the fakes, frauds, etc.- I want to ask why, but it's a moot point bc I don't care enough about you.  What you do, is ruin the site/experience for most people.  If you're bored, take up fucking knitting!

This is my advice to any D/M or s/slave:  For D/M males:  If You have a suspicion, act on it.  I have been emailed by male D/Ms acting like female subs/slaves...I called them out on it.  Just bc I am submissive, doesn't mean I am a fool. 

For female s/slaves:  If you're not owned, do you.  If you're real, there is someone on this site that will find you, and help you out with what you need.  I have met some really nice people on the site, and I do believe most are just looking for REAL and GENUINE.  But I will advise that you know what you are looking for; don't be a pain slut that settles with a caring (Daddy) Dom, it won't work.  Save yourself the time and be selective, look for someone that has similar kinks and likes. (You have my email, and I look forward to hearing from you. :) 

I have had great luck and wish it to everyone else. Happy Hunting! :) 

Here is the question/answer portion of the journal: 

"Blue Tubes, really?"   Easy one- YES!  and it's worse than blue balls, lol.  Tummy ache...blerg! it's the pits. 

"Music prefs?"  I am eclectic.  I listen to everything except 'heavy metal or hair bands'. I am a boho hippy, mixed with some punk and rocker.  I go with beats; the drums and bass get my attention.  My ipod ranges from Rat pack to rap, and everything in between.  Classical and singers/songwriters are faves, too.  I have playlists on other site.

"Why don't you rent yourself out?"  Bc I am not a whore, lol.  But since that doesn't seem to satisfy some;  I don't have that frame of mind.  I can detach, easily, but that doesn't mean I can have sex for money with someone that I may not even find attractive.  I know I'd never be comfortable with anyone, just for moneys sake.  I am all about 'feeling it'.  Money doesn't guarantee happiness...or Me. :)  My First, had more money than God (Buddha, Krishna, etc.) and I didn't stay with Him.  Don't confuse me with most, I am the oddity. 

"Finances-"  Don't worry about mine, just worry about Yours.  Not going to say more about this subject.     

I am a bit tired, I know I didn't answer much, but I did what I could for now. :)

Happy Veteran's Day!!!  Thank You to all the men and women who have served, and are currently serving...  Thanking isn't enough, but I guess it'll do for now. ;)

Thanks for the inquiries (and best wishes, lol :), but I did not take that mechanical ride.  I will wait to do it with Mine... I thought about it, and I didn't want Her to have any sort of control or hold on me; if you experienced, then you know what I'm talking about... Afterwards, I'd probably let Betty White go down on me...lmao (and totally gross).  But one can do some crazy things when 'Lust Lenses' are on. ;)

Hope You have a good day.

Too many temptations...  Not sexually, but I have a "pan sexual" FinDomme friend, that I've known for a long time, but her quest in "having" me will never be fulfilled, and she's tried. Lol. But now, she's bringing out the big guns (sort of speak, lol).  So, to ride...or not to ride. That is the question. (sybian, with all the gadgets!!).  Now, I have ruined some guys with my skills (lol;) but I do not want to be ruined by a machine...  Real thing, that's quite alright. ;). 

So, I'm trying to work and finding it hard to concentrate. A case of "blue tubes" is coming... I can feel it. :(

Not in the best of moods, but reading some emails did make me chuckle...I appreciate it. :)  This has been brought up so much, I thought I was answering it by saying I need a connection, but in simple terms;  I AM NOT FOR SALE, LEASE, RENT, ETC. I am not a prostitute, lol...if I was, I wouldn't be on this site. ;)  Yes, it is flattering to hear that I am a treasure, rare, etc. but then to say that "You should sell your services bc you could make a lot of money..." makes it sound like You want to pimp me out. (UN)-Lol!!  That makes me lose respect for you, quickly.  I don't just take from a D/M, I like to give what they are lacking, or what they need...  I will never take all the 'energy' from my Dom without replenishing it...doing so, does not make for a good sub.  As You enhance my life, I will do wonders for Yours.  Regardless of what many Ds, Ms, subs, pets, etc. think;  It is a 'give and take' relationship. It's like any other relationship out there, but there is much more at stake...but hearts are always in play, so be nice to each other, even if they don't want You to be. ;)

Ps. still don't know what I am doing/being for Halloween, but will let You know when I figure it out. :)

Fuck.

This is how I feel about some of the emails that ask me to do...(insert whatever here):  I seek a relationship in BDSM, and not just random hookups or play dates bc  that connection is magical.  It's trust, at its purest.  I want to be treated like a princess, when I deserve it.  I will never expect or act like a petulant child if I am not treated as such.  Nope.  I will merely back off on how I am treating and serving the 'person'.  I am a give and take kind of gal; if I give and give and give, and get nothing in return, what do I gain being in a relationship like that?  It would stunt my growth, personally and I am not going backwards in my journey.  I am a pleaser, first and foremost but that's only the tip...  I am many things, and have numerous interests... 

I know, I found it hilarious as well, and now addressing it:  The money issue in a previous journal was so ridiculously funny that I wasn't even offended...well, afterwards yes, but when I read it, I couldn't help laughing!!  First of all, I will never think you're a D/M if you are sending those types of emails... a Real D/M knows how to care for Theirs.  But thank you for the laugh, was a hearty one!! :)

Have You ever done anything, just for the experience??  Even knowing, going into it, that it has more potential of being bad than good?  But thinking that the knowledge gained would outweigh the "pleasure" aspect of it...  That is my thinking on most things (except for my HARD LIMITS).  And speaking of Hard limits, here are top 5:  1. NO K9.  2. NO KIDS.  3. NO SCAT.  4.  NO FEMALES (yes, I really really mean that.  If I liked chicks, I'd be with one ;).  5. NO BLOOD/KNIVES/NEEDLES.  (jammed them all in one ;).

If I try to help You, and You do not take that help...I feel okay with washing my hands clean of any guilt that may have crept it's way into my psyche, when crap hits the fan...  You can only lead the horse to water, right?

Things are going to be a bit super crazy for a few weeks;  I apologize for not being in contact for a little bit, but I need to get things in order; mainly my life.  It's hectic and I am grateful to have a super great D...keeps me in check, makes sure I am eating, knows when to push and when not to, etc.  Thank You!! :) 

I am not on yahoo much lately, bc of being on the go but if You keep in touch, I will as well.  Have a great day. :)

Hello and this is a 'drive by fruiting'...trying to keep it short. ;)

I have never been in or participated in a 'slave auction'... what I said is that it's a turn on, huge...bc it is, TO ME.? Now, that could be my fault for not being crystal clear about it, but now I am; Never been in one, but would love to...in right setting.?:)

Yes, every and anything that has happened to me (injury wise)?via CM has been self-induced, lol.? But would I be walking my monster of a dog in heels? No, but I love obeying.? Well, I did have a Master tell me what to eat, even after I mentioned that I may not be able to put it down, I was told to eat it...and I did...and then got sick, lol!!? He felt bad, and then listened to me, about my own body.?

OKAY- IF I'M CONTACTED, ASKING FOR FINANCIAL SUPPORT... GET THE EFF OUT OF HERE!!!? THAT'S NOT MY JOB. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, YOU PROBABLY CAN'T TAKE CARE OF ANYONE ELSE. NOT COOL...

I'll never want or try to?'top' a Dom/Master...so, make sure You are the real deal Holyfield before contacting. ;)? Bc I don't want to waste my time, or Yours.?

As I have stated, I think I am good...truly.?

I know I am forgetting some things, but I'll try to address when I can...

Have a great day. :)

As I am sure most know, I get numerous emails...and I am not complaining, but please understand that it's impossible to answer all of them.  I do get asked some hard questions, which I try to reply as best as I can...but today, I am going to tackle some of the sillier questions.

"What's the oddest thing ever done to you?"   There are actually a few, but one that was very un-sexual; He loved to undress me, sniffing me as He went (which isn't odd, but a fucking turn on), lay me on a bed, strap me in and then start to play 'connect the dots' on my body, using the beauty marks to make triangles.  BOTH sides.  He actually found a beauty mark on my ear, that I never knew was there, lol.    

"What injuries, if any, have you gotten as a result of...?"  I will speak of the ones that I have accrued whilst being on this site (lol).  When I first got on CM, there was a Master that I was speaking to, long story short, 2x I was injured due to His orders.  First time- I was told to walk my dog with high heels, short skirt, no panties (the usual "Dom" stuff, lol) and He knows my dog is a bear, etc.  So I do it, and of course my dog does his thing and chases after...anything, I can't recall exactly what it was, but anyway, he took off and I literally prepared myself for the fall, lol.  That time, I had scrapes and bruises on my hands and knees.  Second instance, same Master- I had to rush to my phone to call Him bc He said to...I go to grab my phone, and instead of stepping on the floor, my dog is there.  I don't want to step on him, and I am already mid step...  I don't step on him and wind up busting my nose.  ER visit with a tampon sticking out of my nose was a funny incident. 

"Do you think that your past makes you what you are today?"  NO.  I am a natural pleaser/submissive.  I dislike it when people try to put logic to something where there's none.  I am what I am, period.  I have no choice in the matter...  Yes, I have stated that I would rather be (and I hate this word) "vanilla", bc having a craving that most don't understand is frustrating.  If I were "vanilla" my life would be the best life ever...I had the perfect husband, etc. And there would be no wanting to be 'ruled' sort of speak.  But alas, that is not how it is for me, and I am here looking for my Other Half. 

"What are you looking for in a...?"  I am looking for someone who will compliment me as I do Them.  Someone who is fun, or has the capacity to be... I like to learn and explore; I will go as far as the road goes and explore every corner thoroughly, in my search for wisdom. 

I hope All have a blessed day. :)

I just had a chance to check out emails...OMGosh!  Slow Your roll, please. LOL!  THE AUCTION IS NOT YET SET.   I am not sure that it will happen in BDSM, unless someone else wants to take over... I am an ideas gal, the particulars can bore me, so if anyone wants to do it, by all means go for it. :) 

I have been asked about my 'BDSM bucketlist' and Yes, I do have one...and Yes, it has many a wonderful and dark items on it. 

This is what I like to say;  "I am the canvas, You are the artist. Make a beautiful image (or memory)."

Since my tan is going away, and nothing about me is fake...I'm probably going to go to DR to get refreshed!  I was going to go to Florida in October, but nah, "Florida is America's Australia." LMAO.  I am joking...but C'mon, monkeys with Herpes???  Not that I was going to do a monkey, but I guess in Florida, possibilities are endless. lol :)

I don't feel like being serious today, I've had enough of that last night... Can someone make me laugh?? :)

Ps. I am glad most got and thought the clip was funny, and if You didn't...eh.  Just like me, it's not for all. :)

Good morn to All...  I am having a lovely time with my family, thank You for asking. :)  Even though I am allowing a 7 year old to have dominion over me, lol...he's such a cutie and as always, has me wrapped me around his little finger. :)

I have some time today, which I earned (lol), so will hop online when can, or feel like it.

Have a great day. :)

Good morning, and happy weekend to All...  I'd like to clear up a few things;

1. I think I am good. :)  I won't be hiding profile though bc of friends, etc. until I know for sure, that He is the ONE. :)

2. The auction is in talking stages...not even early stages.  I am not sure if it's going to happen in the 'BDSM Realm', but it will be done in RL.  It really is a great cause.

   a.  And speaking of the auction, you do not know me or what I would do if I chose to be put up for auction...and bc I'd be out of your range, you'll never know! ;) *that's to someone specific, lol!* ;)

3. If I tell You 3x that I do not care for something, how about you stop sending it!  I am not a fan of porn; it does the opposite to me.  I like reading it, picturing it bc I can make 'them' look like what I find attractive, NOT what you think!  You may think 'x' is attractive, but 'x' is a huge turn off for me...understand now?? :)

4. I am not ashamed of what I am, why should I be?  Are You? I was when I was younger, but not anymore.  I think most women would be happier and less catty if they were just a little honest with themselves, in all aspects of life.  It's ok if you like sex, even though there's a huge double standard, be yourself and you'll find, you will be happier.  I don't mean any disrespect, but I've been there. The way I was introduced to BDSM was unfortunate, but I wouldn't change a thing.  I was always a submissive, what He did was merely awaken the 'nympho' in me. Even after the way I was taken, it happened again...2x. ;)

Have a great weekend.

"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."  Bruce Lee

I hope this works...  This is the type of humor I have, it's not for all.  It is Hi-lariously funny, to me!!

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Holy LOL!!!  Like I said, the auction is just in the talking stages...nothing planned.  And the same rules would apply as in a club.  But again, my mind goes faster than my fingers;  ANY SUB, SLAVE, SISSY, PET, ETC IF you ARE OWNED/COLLARED, PLEASE HAVE PERMISSION FROM your MASTER OR DOM, ETC. 

Club rules:  It's usually an hour that we would be lent out, sticking to our agreed upon limits, etc. Questionnaire would have been filled out earlier, so the Ds and Ms know what to expect from each 'item' that is up for auction. 

*yes, I called us items...lol* :)

Secondly, I've been asked to participate in 'slave auctions'.  Although I do find them highly erotic and a huge turn on, I will not be involved in any 'underground' auctions.  I am interested in club sponsored or theme night...  That being said, I'd like to do one for charity.  I have one in mind, Ourbravest.org.  I have been asked by many Ds and Ms to participate in auctions and or contracts, now, I ask the same but it would be for a good cause.  To my sistas and sissies, if it interests you at all, hit a slut up and let me know.  I AM JUST PUTTING A FEELER OUT, PLEASE DON'T ASK ABOUT DATES BC IT HAS NOT GONE THAT FAR. 

The only thing I can say for certain is that it will be held in NYC.  I am comfortable with the club and patrons. :)

I know it seems like I'm rifling off entries, and I am but only bc I have the time. 

I am going to try and cross off some items on my 'BDSM Bucket list' when I am traveling... I know not many can accompany me around the world for a year, so I am going to think like a 'man' for a moment and then, get a feel from the crowd, lol. 

WHAT IF I ASKED IF IT WOULD BE OKAY TO HAVE Ds/Ms SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE STATES, TO HELP IN ASSISTING WITH MY BDSM BUCKETLIST... IT'S KNOWN UPFRONT, AND YOU CAN DECIDE IF THAT WOULD WORK FOR YOU OR NOT. 

Thanks and again, I am just asking a question. :)

I was chatting with a Friend/Mentor, and He just got to read ALL (lol) of my journals...  He's brought some things to light for me, and explained it best;  (and I quote)

"You are submissive to the core and need to respond to all who are respectful.  This is not the same as submitting to each person.  You will submit to the one who understands you best."

That's pretty spot on for reading journals...and He is a friend, that has gotten to know me over a year or so. lol. 

If I could address some emails now...

If you think when I say I can't 'mind fuck' myself, that means I'm talking about some high school bs head games; DON'T contact me.  Duh.  I have zero time for silly games.

There are many things I'd like to do/try; I was telling someone that I wanted to try being a 'doll'...but not for always. I want to have that type of relationship where 'He' can tell I'm kind of shutting down emotionally and then have me become the 'doll' bc no emotions, or facial expressions...stay as lifeless as possible. 

I want a D/s relationship but am open to O/p...  sometimes I enjoy being cared for too. :)

Have a lovely Sunday :)

I am not feeling great, but find myself horny...absurdly so. I don't have a problem with getting laid, but I'm not only looking for the sexual urge to be squashed. I need to serve... Bc of recent developments, I'm going to be doing some traveling. I am going to see the states first, then expand... For instance, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. So I'm going, and hopefully going to do another first; sex tied to a tree (either back against it, or dangling is fine too;). I'm an exhibitionist, when I can be. I love sex, and when I want it, I want it. I know not everyone gets what they want, but I usually do. ;) I've decided (against med team's wishes) that I'm going to postpone treatments. I've written, then deleted about this bc it is personal; I feel like a waste bc I won't be able to donate my organs or hair. I feel so selfish and it's not something I can control. I did 'organic' treatments my first bout, now They won't allow it. I get it. But doesn't mean I like it. I am not defeated and I'm going to be fine, but now I'm taking a time out to review some players in the game. :)

Hello, and hope the weekend was a good one for all.  There are a few things I'd like to elaborate on...  1.  Just bc I say what I will/can do, does not mean all get to experience.  I'm not giving what I don't want to give.  What I've written are facts, not a debate. Lol.  

2.  I love Halloween, and find it flattering that most remember, but I do not know what I'll be doing or being for it.  I'll start thinking about it in October :).  3. Contracts.  I've never done and don't think I will.  One intrigued me, but my gut said no.  I will always listen to it, regardless of how much I want to go against it.  It's kept me safe and in one piece, so not going to be silly now.  Although I did offer up a 'fake play' one... But I did trust Him, that's the clincher.   4. Please don't expect sex...makes the meetup feel like a chore.  I am not a "sure thing", just keep that in mind. 

Have a great evening and I hope Monday treats all You well. :)

Good morning CM. :)  Thank You for emails, all is well now.  I am headed to California for the premier...getting ready mentally.  But just wanted to say thank You (and apologies) for worrying, etc.  I didn't mean for that to happen.  I hope You have a blessed day. :)

They are taking the computer from me.....WHY?!?! PLEASE LET THE PRODDING BE OVER WITH!!  Ok, (putting on big girl pants) well, if I am able to get out of here this evening, I will log on here or yahoo, whichever is easier to get on for me. 

I hope all had a great day and an even better evening. :)

Good afternoon to All... Today, I will try and tackle some more questions. Getting blood work done now, so have some time, alone time.  Well, not really alone but can move away from, lol. 

Doms/Masters-  Thank You for Your kind emails, those, I truly do appreciate.  I am not a Domme bc I am a born submissive.  Now, please don't get it twisted;  I am a business woman that has to play the part, sort of speak but I am not a door mat.  I understand entirely what it takes, mentally to prepare for 'playtime', etc. and the toll it can take having to make decisions for Yourself and other(s).  Just bc I am on the other end of the spectrum, in BDSM, doesn't mean I don't or can't understand what You go through.  I (we) experience the same, just in a totally different way.  You get off on the power we give, and I (I say I here bc I don't speak for all) get total enjoyment from Your reaction to the exchange...amongst other things. :)

And I cannot say why others can't see that, You'd have to ask or talk to them about it.  But, best of luck in Your searches. :)

Relocation-  Obviously this is only if something progresses...  I would move into an apartment or house (depending on where, etc.) that I would pay for.  I do not want or expect You to pay for me, period.  That being said, it would be mine and my rules would apply.  If You are given a key, then that means that You are King of my castle, and what You say, goes. 

The only way I would move in with someone is if that's where it was headed...or if I feel a strong bond/connection.  And again, not right off the bat.  I am patient and can find everything I need, I know this...I will not rush again.  It only makes things complicated, and I am all about uncomplicated. 

Pain- Again, I will never be bratty to get attention or punishment.  I enjoy exquisite pain.  The pain that feels so bad then it starts to feel even better.  The melding of the pleasure and the pain is where I find my 'space'.  If that's achieved, You'll be able to play me like a violin until the chords are frayed and broken, then You get to piece me back together, as You see fit.   *That only comes with trust and a connection.*

Well, I must dash...will continue later today.  Have a great day. :)

Hello, and thank You for reading the journal(s).  I know they can be/read like short stories, but I am trying to be informative, answer the questions that were asked,  as to not waste anyone's time.  I may be a tad bit exact in what I seek, but nothing is set in stone. 

What makes the process nerve-wracking is that we (subs, slaves, pets, etc.) are trusting You when we are at our most vulnerable.  I know and understand the mental wear and tear a Master/Dom goes through every time They are planning a scene, etc. and it can take its toll.  I know it does...  But You are always in control, when TPE is agreed upon.  We give it, willingly, with the understanding that You will not exploit our vulnerability.  Please keep that in mind if someone is feeling a bit nervous about the first meet up, if that's their issue. **just my 2 cents**

And to the subs/slaves:  Thank you for the email love, I appreciate it. :)  I will do an entry for meet-ups, etc.  Please play smart and always be safe.  :)

Hope All are enjoying the lovely weekend. :)

This journal will be a bit racy/scandalous and I will apologize in advance for using curse words, but I am going to keep it real , as they say.? If You get offended easily, please do not continue.? I probably won't be able to answer all the questions I've compiled, bc of time but will complete it when I can.

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I am not sure if there's a saying, but if not, here's one:? 'Do what You were born to do...or what You enjoy doing.'??

For me, that would be pleasing and fucking.? I have the body, agility and know how?to be a fuck toy.? I can never get enough, not even when my insides are hurting...it's not enough for me.? I will always want more.? I am used to being unsatisfied sexually, but the not being able to please can be maddening.? That being said, I can't just give my submission to anyone...they have to be worthy of it.?

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First and foremost, I practice safe sex.? Condoms, no birth control.? I can't use birth control bc of medical reasons.? If you don't like, please continue on with your search.? I will lose the condoms and use rhythm method once in a monogamous D/s relationship, of course.?

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How did I get into BDSM??? That's a question that can be sliced down, down, and down some more.? So, I was always a natural submissive.? I never wanted to disappoint and would do whatever was necessary to make sure I didn't.? But when I was introduced to ALL aspects of BDSM, it was amazingly eye-opening to me.? I was young (17) and He was....older, lol.? I didn't know how much older til later on, and then it was too late.? **He's the reason why I am so weird about age.? He lied to me about His?and I don't want that to happen?again**???

I am going to try and keep this short...? I was a virgin and He made me not so anymore, and afterwards I wanted to shower, but He suggested I didn't.? I obliged and later on in the relationship, He said that's when He knew I was His.?? He never called me a slave or sub...I was always called His or Mine (when introducing to whomever).? I didn't know any better, as there was nothing informative about BDSM that I could get my hands on. And I had zero idea that's the type of relationship I was in until He started dragging me further and further into His rabbit hole.?

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How am I still an anal virgin?? Other than my first, I have said no.? I asked my first why He didn't just take it, and He said that He already took enough from me and if I wanted to give Him it, give it to Him.? Well, I never gave?it, lol.? Again, I was young and with Him for almost 3 years...not all were good times.? Now that I am 35, absolutely comfortable with myself and my sexuality, I'd like to experience anal now.? I've heard I'm either going to love or hate it.? I want to be used for the slut I am, but in a way that I know will please my Potential.? I don't want my Potential to be an asshole (no pun intended) about taking it.? If I don't like it, then I don't like it...and here's where I am always stuck in my thinking...? If I don't like it and I 'love' Him, will I do it for Him??? The answer is yes, of course but I'd like to think that He will make it so that it can be enjoyable for both.?? No cock, dick, prick has gone there, but had the unfortunate encounter with a massively huge butt plug, I think that's what it was.? If it wasn't for the 'guy', I'd have ripped it out my ass, lmao (but not really :).?But instead,?I walked around with Him, and it up my ass bc I knew it would please him.? And truthfully, it hurt more coming out...? What does that mean for the real thing?!?!? lol.

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All things Oral related:? This is where I have to be stern...? If You don't eat?pussy, please don't contact me.? I've yet to?cum via sexual intercourse, but will geyser?away when?my pussy is being eaten.??I say this bc I love giving oral, as well as receiving.? I know D/s is not a 50-50 relationship, but when sex is involved, I'd like a considerate partner.? I'll make You blow Your load quickly, and would start sucking again...all I ask is that You let me cum? and the beast will be happy.? :)? I can make myself squirt, all I have to do is gag myself with Your cock.? Yes, I do/can throat fuck a cock.? You will feel the ridges of my throat on Your head and as I allow it to go further and further down, I may squirt and hope that You don't mind the mess. ;)?

**My pussy tastes like paradise.? I know this bc I love sucking myself off a cock, finger, dildo, etc.? But I would like to inform some men that before getting Your cock sucked, please clean up or freshen up if needed.? Nothing can make my 'lady wood' go down like a stank ass cock/crotch area...blerg!!**

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Objectification:?Going to keep this short and sweet.? I don't get what putting a bottle or cucumber or ginger root into my pussy?is going to do for You, but I am really not into shoving any and everything up my pussy.? I like dick, dildo and vibrator, but for anything else, please try to explain to me why and then I may change my view.? I say this bc my pussy is like heaven.? Not many get in, and when You do, You'll want to stay there. ;)? I am not having a vaginal hubris moment,?simply stating facts. ;)? I like to keep it nice, tight and?disease free...that's not a bad thing is it??

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Fucking:? As I have stated, not many have entered bc I am picky but make no mistake, I LOVE sex.? LOVE IT!!!? Can't get enough it.? But I do have my limits...? No girls. No 'Generational Gangbangs' (double blerg!). No animals, of any sort.?

**Here's something that I have changed my views on; sharing**?? I have always stated that I wouldn't want to be shared or share my Man...but bc of all that's going on in my life, I have decided that it would be up to Him to make that call.? I don't want to share Him, and that will remain as such, but I have been asked numerous times if I would want to be shared at some point, etc.? I've said no but think if that's what He wants, and if I want to be with Him, should I change stance on it...? For the right One, yes I would.? Never unprotected sex though.? And the relationship would have to be a solid one.? No cracks or holes for doubt to seep in.? Again, I prefer to be monogamous but if I find the One that would like that at some point, I'd consider it.?

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Being Used:?I haven't' been used thoroughly in forever!!!!? Fucking and spanking are not in the realm of being used.? I need to be used mentally...? I want to know what You need just by a look, etc.? Being used, to me, means that physically and mentally I am spent...worn out.? I want to please, but not only sexually...that's easy and fucking doesn't need a special connection, just 2 willing participants.? I want to be embarrassed about what You want me to do, or how You want me to do it.? Me turning red is a good thing bc it just means that You're revving up my pussy and the juices will be flowing.? I guess to me, being used means I don't even know I passed out from sheer exhaustion or from pure bliss.

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Humiliation:?There are many ways to achieve this, so You'd have to let me know in what way You are talking about.? Humiliation can mean different things to different people.? One thing I can't do is public humiliation if I am not on vacation.? I am a professional and can't be seen as what I am by clients or they may jump ship, and that's not good for business.? I also don't like to witness anyone else's on purpose.? I've been to clubs and glimpsed some types of humiliation, and that's different bc it was going on in a public place that I entered.? I have been made to watch and all it did was anger me bc I find it can be personal at times and I am not a voyeur.? I do like fucking in public places, but that's not humiliating, that's a quickie. :)

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Random info:? I am a sexual being, and find myself thinking about sex more and more...? It could be bc I haven't had it a little bit, but whatever the case, I am at 'high alert' lol.? I have a body that's made for fucking; perky tits (not going to give myself a black eye bouncing up and down, lol), long lean body that can move like a lion on the prowl, tight pussy that? when I'm turned on, it will leak like a faucet and it?can choke a cock...? Ok, starting to make myself horny right now.?? So, going to wrap this up before I get out of hand ;).?

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I hope I answered most of the questions...if not, You know what to do :)

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Good morning... :)

CLEAR UPS:  I don't play the piano for a living.  When I was younger, I had to take lessons but now, I am merely a business woman who enjoys playing. Apologies if it came across that I played professionally.

I will answer sex questions in a little bit.  Hope all have a great day :)

Good morning... You've demanded and I will oblige. Next journal is dedicated to sex questions (that I don't mind answering, lol). But here's a preview: NO beastiality. CM should really have an option for that... Instead of 'rate how much you like' arcade games. Lol. Have a great day and hope it's a productive one. :)

I apologize for not being on for a bit...  I am dealing with some last minute issues for the possible trip to Europe, getting work situated, etc.  If I pop online, I usually have a few minutes but if there are so many pages of emails or chats thrown at me, I will log off immediately.  I don't want anyone, friend or potential to think that I am ignoring. 

I have thought about it and I think I may have to take a time out from what I seek.  My life is a bit hectic and I can't say for certain what I will be doing in the next months.  I will not be working for a few weeks, but I need to get things in order for a decision, either way.  Europe or not, I have back-up plans ready but I want to take a little vacation before starting any treatments.  

I am ok.  I will be ok.  I may bruise a bit easier than before, but that's not a bad thing, right? lol. 

Answers to more questions:

This is the LAST question I will answer about 'the guy'-  How did he help you?  It made me realize that I want a Master/Dom/Boyfriend.  I have emotions and there are times they come out.  If You think You can't handle emotions, then I am not a good fit for You.  If I am into You, then You will know it.  I show it.  I am not a crazy person, though...just passionate. 

BBC:  No, I am not scared, lol.  I just haven't had a worthy BBC offered :).  It's more than just the size of a dick...try not being one as well. :)

Ethnicity:  I have been hounded for this bit of info, and I wonder why does it matter?   I am an American citizen, isn't that enough until I want to tell??   I AM NOT A FETISH!  I don't put what I am on here bc I want to be wanted for who I am, not where I am from.  I am not like those men and women who are ok with being used for their money.  Again, I can date any guy I want, but I want the kink in my life as well.  Ps.  I have grown bored of the racist emails and wish the cowards that sent them would allow a response from me before blocking.  Calling me an Arab is the equivalent of calling a Spaniard a Puerto Rican, lol.   And please don't get me started on the whole 'Aryan' BS!!  Be a tad bit more educated, for your sake. :) 

On being art:  When I was younger, I was owned.  He was my first in every sense of the word.  To make this long story short, just the highlights...  I play the piano, but  I didn't play religiously.   He heard me tinkering one night when He was picking me up at home, and He made me play for Him (and His friends, business partners, etc) from then on...never totally naked bc of His jealousies, but always topless and strapped to a pedal.  Now, topless playing is the only way. ;) 

Hope everyone has a lovely week :)

Device died, wasn't online.  I charged and now have enough juice to turn on and it reloaded CM. lol.  So I wasn't ignoring, etc.  I don't play games... I don't have the time or energy to participate either.  I'll leave being in 'Limbo' to the Catholics, lol. Jk ;)

Is going to answer, as well as ask some questions :). 

Leather:  I have never intentionally purchased a leather item bc of personal reasons, but met up with a leather enthusiast, and I must say (quoting Cody Chestnut) '...I can do anything I want bc I look good in leather...' :)  I may have to re-think the stance, lol.

Best feature:  I think my eyes. 

Tattoos:  I have, and will get more.  I will not be branded (ie. cow style), but I would wear 'His' mark proudly in tattoo form. 

Fetish model:  I have, but it wasn't 'porn' pics.  No sex, just modeling the gear.  I am going to be doing it again, and am open to doing it, but again, I repeat NO SEX pics.  :)  I have been art, and find it highly erotic!!  I enjoy being stared at...judged like a piece of meat.  I am a confident person and find I'm completely at ease with or without clothes. 

Weight:  I don't weigh 115 lbs.  It's lower, but that's my goal weight.  I am not fat, but I can't really work out bc as I am sure most know that muscle weighs more than fat...so I rock climb (any form that is available to me), Pilates, etc.  Fucking is great for cardio...if it lasts for more than 15 minutes. :)

'Guy':  I think that it's being worried about more than it should.  He was a dominating figure, and I find I gravitate towards Them (as a whole).  I do this without even realizing.  I can be out with friends, and if I feel that someone is worthy of my submission, I give them it...and they don't even realize it.  Most don't even notice (lowering of eyes, speaking only when spoken to, etc), but for me, it's a relief that was needed.  Anyhoo, back to the 'guy', He was what I was looking for, but not ready for mentally.  I basically just found out my diagnosis and needed an anchor to stop my mind from free-falling.  He was more than worthy of doing it, I just didn't know how to handle the situation.  I was married my first go round with the 'C' word (ps. not cunt, lol :) and now I am not.  I didn't/don't want to be a burden for anyone (never will be, I know when to say when) but I really 'loved' Him.  I realized I 'loved' the way I felt around Him.  I didn't worry or care about being ill, I just wanted to please Him.  That's what was addicting.  I would have done anything for Him; He would have been my Lord, King and Savior.  

Things ended and I wished Him the best of luck in all He does.  I know You're looking to see what went wrong, but life happened is all.  Well, that and He did something I never expected from Him...which I now think it was bc He was hurt.  I never meant to hurt anyone, and He knows that. 

Fantasies:  I have many sick, dark fantasies.  I also have 'Prince Charming' ones as well...with a twist of course. :)  I am affectionate when I am happy.  I'll want to pounce on You, rub against You, etc. if I am feeling it.  I won't mean to bother, but I'd hope You'd understand :). 

I am glad most get my humor, it's so much easier to go through life laughing.  Thank You for seeing my optimism as a good thing, I appreciate that.  I am not down with my lot in life, I've had and experienced much for my young age...more than most my age or older.  I've also had to deal with some less than fortunate situations as well, and tis true what doesn't kill, makes stronger.  I guess I am trying to say that even though this site may be seen as 'strange, creepy, odd, etc.' I find I can be more myself here, than in real life.  And I thank You for that. 

Sorry for the novel :)

I have to apologize for some entries... My mind races and I forget some *key* words. 

Gas mask scenario-  It's been something that has me waking myself up from sleep bc I'm grinding a pillow or stuffed animal of some sort. Lol.  That's when I know I'm feeling a bit horny. :)  I would wear it (be hot as well), but in the (amazing) sex dreams; I'm being chased in a field/maze by a Man in a gas mask.  I know it's creepy, but it's what's getting me wet without thinking.

Vow of Silence- It wouldn't be long...perhaps a month or wee bit longer if I need.  I've done this one other time, but I wasn't owned.  It was almost 5 years ago and it was something I needed to do for my sanity.  I still worked and corresponded via emails, texts, etc.  I seek to do it again bc I'm in the exact same situation, but this time I know what to expect.  Well, as much as one can when dealing with illness. 

Now for MY SITUATION. 

I've thought about this...and without going too much into detail;  I am STD free, but not disease free.  I don't even have herpes, lol.  But what I have isn't contagious.  If You read the journals now, You will be able to put together the pieces...  This is my second rodeo and I'm grateful that I have options.  When and where I go in Europe is solely based on if I get into a study...  If I get accepted, then Germany it is!!  If I don't, then I plan on going to Denmark for a bit to experience the scene over there and do things I may not have normally done.  Why not, right? :P

I've opened up about something I don't normally like to talk about (as You can read, I haven't even said what it is, I am just hoping most get it :) bc I have learned from the past.  The 'guy' I get questioned about, didn't know about it from the beginning.  But He thankfully understood that it isn't something one feels comfortable with talking about straight away, to a stranger.  But, I wasn't always honest with Him about it.  There were times that I had to go to appointments, get poked, prodded or have vials of blood taken...felt like shit afterwards and therefore wasn't able to keep plans, flights, etc. 

I am not saying that He would have shown me pity, but I don't want nor like pity from anyone.  That's why when I first found out it came back, only people that had to know, knew. 

There's two things I didn't want happening on this site:  1. Fall into the hands of a violent sadistic person who thought I would be his lab rat. Or 2. Have someone treat me like fine China.  I am sick, not broken. 

Well, I think that's enough sharing for today :)  Please stay cool and safe from the heat.

I haven't met that many peeps from the site, lol.  Just saying that the few I did have the pleasure in meeting, went well.  Meeting up with someone doesn't mean sex was involved ;).

I'm still on CM, I just won't bore with the random thoughts ;).   So, to continue answering questions:  I have not had BBC. 

A playtime fantasy that I've been wanting to explore involves a gas mask.  Sometimes fear...or the not knowing what's going to happen next is hot, to me. 

For something that I would like to do with a D/M, I would like to take a vow of silence at some point. Being able to connect via looks or by hand, etc. is something that deepens the connection. 

No, the site isn't a pay one.  I am doing it so I can be totally honest and free with who I am, and still have anonymity (bc of work). 

I think I may be a tad bit of a masochist...  But I need affection after taking one for the team. 

I have been on CM for over a year, am batting 1.000 in meet-ups (meaning that I haven't picked wrong yet.  Still alive, in short ;).  It has been educational...  I now know that 'watersports', in bdsm, doesn't involve paddle boats...or even water.  Lol.  I have met some of the nicest people, but I have been selective as well. 

To the 'newbies' or 'curious' that contacted me:  Please know that this is so much more than spankings and hair pulling.  I don't care to say it's a lifestyle, bc I haven't been able to live it, but with me, this is innate.  It's in me and I wish I could be 'vanilla'.  It would be so much easier. 

I am almost done with contract, and am hoping to have some info dealing with my possible trip to Europe...fingers crossed, good news.

Hope all had a good weekend :).

Didn't mean to delete any journal entries, but the gist was this:  being called a whore doesn't bother me, but I'd prefer slut until you get to know me ;). 

Clear ups:  When I say, 'I'd rather not put on here'.  I mean on the internet.  Not the site specifically.  I'm working on how I should go about explaining my situation...and about 'the guy', there's nothing bad to tell.  He was great, I was overwhelmed.  My situation made it difficult and I fell harder than expected.  His dominance was...addicting. I learned a lot from the short time I spent with Him, about myself.  When I feel that 'pull' again, I will know how to deal and do so accordingly.   

I only have a wee bit of free time, it's crazy at work...so much going on.  And not used to not being the boss, lol. 

Hope everyone enjoyed the beautiful weather this weekend.  :)

I wanted to say 'thank You' for all the kind words, emails...and kindness in general.  I will keep that entry up now; I am always honest in journals and am actually surprised it was welcomed.  Thank You for that, I appreciate it very much so. 

Be back on soon...probably after weekend.  Please don't think I am ignoring, not interested, etc.  Not the case. 

Clear ups from early entries:  I LOVE confident men.  To me, a good (or decent) D/M shouldn't be egotistical, and if you can't understand that then please don't waste your time contacting me.  Don't get me wrong, cocky is okay at times, but only if it can be backed up. :) Nothing is sexier, to me than feeling myself being enveloped in His dominance and allowing it to seep deep and penetrate my mind and body...that is when He will know and feel that He is in control.  The more comfortable I feel, the more He will get out (or in) me. LOL :)

Am so happy that the sun is out...thought I was going to go into another 'dark' (clothes) phase, lol. Hoping that the cold weather is done with, for a bit, had a rough winter and am so looking forward to sunshine and colors. :)

Hoping everyone is enjoying their weekend.  Mine has been a blast so far; meeting new people, dancing, being shown the sites...I know it's going to end and work will have to be done soon, but looking forward to the party a bit later. 

I won't be online until tomorrow, hope all have a great day.  Please DON'T drink and  drive :)

I will be leaving earlier than I thought for my trip, so I wanted to thank 'my' military men (and women) and wish them a Happy Memorial day :). Thank You for all that You do/done, and it's an honor to be speaking with anyone who was in the military. For some reason, and I'm not complaining, the armed forces, firemen, cops, etc have been kind in their pursuit, and it is honestly refreshing. So, if happen to run into a vet or current soldier; ask if you can lend a 'hand'... ;)

The profile pic is NOT me.  I do NOT have a baby (or any kids at all).  It's a piece from one of my fav artists.  So, in short; NO KIDS. JUST A PICTURE.

Here's part 2 of the 'general entry' from couple days ago:

Thank You for the offers, etc. I do NOT want those. I am seeking a mind that is able to capture and mold mine into what I need it to be. I can do all those things for myself, what I can't give myself is a 'mind fuck' ;)

As for pain; I am not a pain slut, I will never be 'bratty' to get punishment/discipline bc disappointment is my Achilles heel. I'm such a pleaser that I am usually harder on myself. Pain has it's purpose; when I seek it, I need to reach my subspace. But if relief is what 'He' needs, I will suck it up and take as much as 'He' needs to dole out. I will not enjoy it, per se but I will endure it for 'Him' happily. That's my sacrifice to and for 'Him'.

I am not anorexic or have an eating disorder...on the contrary, I want to put weight on, but it doesn't want to stay. lol.

When first meeting someone, one should never go 'full retard'. (Please don't get offended, it's a line from a movie...if You get it, Yay for You ;). I will not be completely restrained, etc. for the first time. That would be insane of me, or anyone for that matter. Get to know who You are playing with, they may have different views on what's sadistic. Please play smart :)

My experience on the site has been fine, actually. I'm not including the crude people, bc I don't waste my time on them.

How I got into the lifestyle... Well, that's super personal and not comfy putting it out here, so that's something I'll reserve to only letting the few that may get my attention. 

** Side note: If I am wearing black nail polish, there's a reason. **

Tons going on this wknd; some fun...some not.  Just wanted to let it be known that I won't be online much today or tomorrow. Sunday will be the day to rest...and answer emails :)  So, hope all have a great weekend.

Will update profile, just in case journals don't get read.  But I've been asked same questions over and over, so will do a general entry:

I need to be mentally stimulated.  If I feel You cannot do this, I will say so as to not waste anyone's time.

What I am looking for is the combination of mentally and physically being attracted to the D/M.  Will settle for mental, but it must be 'off the charts, Kimosabi' (lol)

When I say 'want some fun' it's bc of my situation and I'm still trying to navigate those waters.  Fun can turn into something more with right person, or if I click with someone, then it can be LTR. 

About me:

I am a walking contradiction. I am a strong woman, but there's still a little girl in me that wants to be led...  If You get my attention, good for You...if You make me stammer for words- Congrats bc You've hooked me mentally and have my total interest.  I am not into chicks, groups, sharing.  I am not interested in Male switches. If I feel I can dom you, there's no point.  I want to feel the Dominance rolling from the Dom/Master, but not bc it's meant, it just happens.  I am not into egotistical men, women haters, sadists, bimbofication.  I am who I am, I am happy with that and my looks.  I have small perky, not looking to get globes on my chest for a man. 

That accounts for half the questions, lol!! :)  Til later...

This is not meant meanly, but I have to say it:  will femmes or dommes, and MEN posing as subs or slaves PLEASE NOT CONTACT ME anymore?!! 

To the Femmes/dommes: Firstly, thanks for the interest, but I am not bi or bi-curious. I state I am seeking DOMINANT MEN.  I would NOT feel safe and protected with another woman; that's specific :)

To men posing as subs, etc:  If you need to pose as a sub to get your name out there, then you are what I do NOT want or seek.  If you are not strong enough to take a yes or no,  either way, then you are NOT strong enough for me, mentally. 

Hello friends... Hope all are well and enjoying the season. Well, obviously things didn't go as planned and I think it was for the best. Great guy though. BC of my situation, I am not sure what I'm looking for. In the midst of packing/moving, etc. not enough time in the day to seek what I need, so may settle for fun. I'm figuring it out as I go.

Don't forget Mothers day...You only get one. I won't be online for a couple days, but will reply when online. Have a great weekend.

Finds it funny that peeps still get amazed at how dark I get in an hour. I was born a camel jockey. 

Thanks and I appreciate all the well wishes...BUT I'm hoping it lasts. ;)  I get and admire the want, trust on that...been there, done that, ripped the t-shirt.  Hope everyone finds what/whom they're looking for.  :)

Hehehehehehe!!  I am always kind, considerate and above the crap on the site...but I love the posers that send something and then block.  Don't be such a cry baby if I am not interested, there maybe a 'man' posing as a female out there for you!!  LMAO!!!

I actually do have reliable references :)

For those that may not know or understand the 'sub' or 'slave' mindset, I'll help you out:  We (well, most ;) are in this for more than sex...Sex is the icing on cake, Submission is the cake.  If sex is all you're looking for, please 'dubstep' on by, LOL!! :)

So, You know how life can throw You lemons...throw them back.  Thinking of 'Europe Lite'...so, will chat with D/Ms from Netherlands or Germany.  Germans, be gentle :)

One of those days, but not too many more of them to come!!  BUT, what got me in a good mood; "Suit and Tie".  Gets ya swaying without even knowing it, ha.

Oh, and not bi. Or even bi-curious.

Me: Pleasing sub, monogamous slut, possible slave for right One.  It has to be felt.

Men: Safe, Sane, Consensual. Devious mind to match my own, not sadistic in pain aspect. Sense of humor.

This is a pain in the butt... 1. Please don't just throw a chat at me.  I won't answer it if we've never emailed.  I'm sorry, but I find it very rude to the others that took the time to email.  2. Penis shots, rude or crass emails will be deleted ASAP.  Put some effort into it.   3. I am not Your's, so emails ordering or stating otherwise, delete.  4. Not into 'group activities' OR Females.  5. Safe sex or none at all. 

This is to not waste anyone's time nor mine.

If You can see or read my profile when emailing me, it would be lovely to see the one who is sending emails.  If you want a response, make it available to view. 

Anyone interested in giving my email an enema, LMAO!  So many emails, not enough time.  Will respond as read them.

A head's up for the kinksters- If 'rape fantasy' presents itself, make sure you get it in writing.  Man is going to jail bc he answered Craigslist ad;  An ex bf of the victim, set up an ad as revenge, and someone answered it and now he is a rapist.   And not the kind he was going for (consensual- non)

The ex bf should be held accountable as well...

I apologize if anyone is getting like 3-4 emails from me...must be timing out and sending.