subseekstheone

I only had a glimmer of hope in this because he was so leary of everything. He wasn't the only one. He had doubts and I gave him reason to not trust and to walk away. 

I fucked up i am to tired to fight for what i know would be perfect.

End of another chapter I did what i usually do i get anxious and get in my own way.

Well this time i didn't just get in my way i pushed myself over the Cliff and i can't wait until i hit bottom. Hopefully i will shatter and never recover. I am to broken to have anyone care about me.

Desperation

Desperation I feel it like ants on my body slowly eating away at me bit by bit.

Burning my eyes bringing tears that were not there before.

Just when I thought I had it together I am dumped in this misery of stinging Madness.

I am paralyzed I can't get up.

Someone help me before it's to late I can't take much more is this the end left to be devoured.

I tried over and over again maybe it is my fault maybe I deserve this ending.

When it was good it was good

Now it is all bad over and over again

Desperation has a hold and I am done for.

Who

Who are you?

What are you?

What do you need?

Where did you come From?

As Time passes and I change I constantly ask my self these Questions?

The only constant is the Desire that Burns like none other deep within.

What is this?

Why is this?

How do I satisfy it?

Live, Live, Live

Choice

In the darkness that has Infected my Soul is a small light called "Choice"

I am Tired and Weary of the fight to Survive to do what is expected of me. 

Some days the Weight of Life is just to much.

The Disappointment and Loneliness is crushing.

I feel like giving in letting it all go not caring who pays the price of grief and Sadness.

I battle with the Choice but one day it will be made and when it is who will win.

The Darkness or that spark or Light only time will tell

I can't hear my own thoughts because I can't shut all the other voices up.

I need you to make them shut up.

Stop Talking

Stop Thinking

Stop me from Thinking

I know you want to help me feel better

Bend me Over

Tie me Down

Hang me Up

Shut me Down with a Beating that is all about me loosing myself to the 

Pleasurable Sensation of Pain.

In the end when all is Quiet and you hold me gently in Your arms just say 

to me you will be the one to keep me safe from Harm.

Spirit Dance

Two meet to participate in the Exquisite, Emotional release of the Spirit Dance.

Hearts and Blood racing, Merging Pleasure and Pain into an Epic Release.

The Storm of Emotions dissipate slowly, You taste my tears like the finest Champagne

and say "Thank you I am Proud of you Good girl"

Sensation

My Soul is like a Piece of Ripe Fruit.

Cut the skin just right and it will fall apart.

The knife is Pain in it's many forms.

Given by a skilled hand.

The knife used applied just so until it is exposed.

Ripe , Lush, Fragrant to then be Devoured.

The Remaining seeds planted nurtured and the Fruit picked just as before, Ripe and Ready.

I am putting my poetry on here. It is all about my submission.

Surrender to give in, to let things happen as they will.

I want to surrender to Him give Him that part of me,

that Serves, that wants and needs to be used.

Let Him open me to the Pain that brings me Pleasure.

People are funny. I just told a Dominant that I am not interested because he is bi.

He tells me he is married and with the right slave he won't need any other men or women. I may have been born at night but not last night. You enjoy your sexuality fine but i am not interested in that flavor. You should not have to change to make someone want to be with you. Maybe the next person who comes along will accept that but not me.  I want a person who is what they are from the beginning.

A few thoughts on Dommes, Mistresses, Female switches, and Female Tops.

First you are all women in my book Dommes, Mistresses and Female Tops are on power trips. Female switches are confused. 

You are all women and I see you as my equals. I will not submit to a women. If i was forced to do so would be a break in trust. Even in Loving my Master (once I W/we have found each other and formed a bond had discussion and built trust) I would not do it. For it to be done against my will as punishment would be a major violation and forgiveness would either not be coming or a long time coming. We would have to have many long conversation and rebuild the trust.

Now because I am stating that I will not submit to a woman there are those who will say you will because i say so, and others will will say I can and will break you. First you have to get to me and I would never accept an invite from any of the above Titled. I am leary and if it was even to a play group it would be declined, for two reasons. First I would not attend any event without my Master or Dominant. Second even if it was a sub/slave event that my Master or Dominant agreed that I could go to I would watch anyone who didn't quite fit in a little to aggressive to busy saying what she would do to a sub or slave who was disrespectful. 

These are my thoughts and feelings on this subject.

Your opinions are not asked for or Welcome.

I can't hear my own thoughts because I can't shut the other Voices up.

I need You to make them shut up and make me shut up.

Stop Talking

Stop Thinking

Stop me from Thinking

I know YOU want to help make me feel better

Bend me Over

Tie me Down

Hang me Up

Shut me Down with a Beating that is all about me loosing myself to the

Pleasurable Sensation of Pain.

Until there is nothing but Quiet Bliss, Oblivion.

Then Gently wrap me in a blanket in the PEACEFUL GIFT that you have given me.

A Grand Master once asked me if i was clay or rock. I say clay because i was there to learn and be molded into the ideal slave.

He let me know that i was rock hard and unforgiving and only a hammer and chisel could do anything with me and it would take to much energy so i was not worth the effort. What i didn't know at the time was that in the process of all that was going on someone was applying heat turning me into stone to be broken under pressure.

I finally broke and in my broken state i was gathered up by the very  person who applied the heat and thrown out like any other dirt.

In subsequent time wind and rain turned me back to my original state soft malleable mud to be shaped by the right hands. I have been shaped but not completed. Wrapped up and set aside. I have been passed along and with each Artist or supposed Artist something different has been done. I am still incomplete hoping to end my journey with the ARTIST WHO WILL FINALLY SEE THE SHAPE WITHIN AND MAKE ME INTO THE MASTERPIECE THAT I AM MEANT TO BE.