subredhot

Male Submissive, 42, Amsterdam

Dominant Couple, 31, Cork (County)

Male Submissive, 59, GENT

The chaos of life pulled in several directions.? The constant buzz nothing ever settled twitching, anxious never able to sit still.? ? A cool blade laying with purpose Everything slows ? Whats that? ? Piercing the skin the burn, the pounding bringing focus from many to one ? So this is what its like calm quiet focused ? The euphoric feeling of feeling nothing. ? How does one explain it? ? Blood flowing across the skin providing a blanket of serenity. ? I have never considered myself to be a hypersensitive person.? Maybe I am?thats why there is always a buzz in my head.? I try to do things that make me focus.? That give that singular distraction.? Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.? I was born this way, I don't know what to tell you.? Some will tell you that cutting is an addiction.? I also feel that some people do it for a need.? For instance when cutting stopped working.? I resorted to burning.? Because on my own I was limited to?how much pain I could inflict on myself without actually causing?life altering things.??Burning the flesh takes longer to heal.? Its a different kind of pain.??Obviously I need to explain that this isn't about suicide or wanting to die.??Just trying to feel comfortable.? If I at any point wanted to seriously commit suicide I could have and would have at any moment.??Its just trying to find that happy medium.??? ? Enter stage left.? Giving over the responsibility to someone else.? ? Since a very young age I have always taken care of myself.? Not saying it was the right way all the time but I took care of business.? Literally handing over the responsibility to someone else was?very hard.? They have?to know,?that by the way I talk, walk, body mannerisms, or lack there of that I need them to hurt me.? Really hurt me.? That sometimes it really doesn't matter how they feel about it, it is what I need to maintain a happy medium.? I am not talking about emotional hurt.?That just adds to a buzz that at that point is a roar. No I need the outside to literaly humm louder than the inside.? Not everyone can handle that kind of responsibility.? It takes a lot.? Not everyone can handle giving that?kind of?complete and total trust in someone else either.? Thats a lot of faith for a person like me.? That they can take care of a person with a really twisted way of thinking that they may not really understand. They do however understand what I mean when I say two simple words.? ? hurt me ? If its a good day I will yell it.? It's the quiet times that kinda scare me just a little.? When I can only whisper that need.? It's pretty?bad.? At that point?the?buzz is so loud,?I think?there is no way?I can feel worse on the outside as?I do right now.? Thats when faith comes in.??I have to know that this person that I have complete and total faith in can step into the roll?that they accepted.? I can tell you that it takes a very special person to fill that role for me.? ? The kind of person that can slap me across the face and have me tell them do it harder.? To have them worry about what they are doing because they are worried they hit me too hard.? To learn to do things that you don't really care for because the person you love needs it.? Thats a tall order.? I am not easy to love.? Thats ok. I am me. Love me or not thats ok. I know what it must look like from the outside. Just know that every slap across the face every hard punch in the back, the stomach, the cutting of the flesh the spilling of the blood, every scream that comes out of my mouth is pure affection. FYI.? I was asked to write an essay/article on my history of cutting.? This is going into a newsletter that will be done without my name.? I am very open about myself and how I live my life.? Most of you know I am a cutter and a burner.? This is the first time I have really written about it.? ?

I put this but thought I would do this PSA on here as well. Apparently some people believe that poly=harem. That the women in the group have nothing to offer other than sex. That is beyond closed minded. Poly is the ability to love more than one person. I love my Daddy wholeheartedly. I also love Friday very much like a sister. I am submissive. I have a D/s dynamic with my Daddy and we just happen to be poly. I can assure you there is much more to being poly than just sex. It is actually a relationship. One where there is give and take. If all I wanted or needed was sex I would just be a swinger. Nothing wrong with that at all but that is not how I choose to roll. I would ask that before you say such derogatory things about a relationship ideology that you stop and think that just because it might not be yours you still give it the respect it deserves. That mentality is hurtful and flat out not even necessary. Take the time to educate yourself before throwing hateful things around.

I have had such a long weekend. I have reaffirmed what I am doing here. On not just a physical but spiritual level. I don't tend to question myself but it is always nice to get a positive reinforcement.

I just recently joined a group A path to deeper D/s. There was a post in there from a Dominant about his respect for submissives because they do something he can't do. It's extremely difficult to submit. Lots of courage. I read it several days ago and it has been an amazingly thought provoking read for me. It is extremely tough being a submissive. I put all that I am and even more than I knew I had out there laid bare. Not only trusting my body and my life, but my mental well being as well. That when I zone out I will be protected. That when and if I break down and cry they will not think any less of me. As a masochist, which is very different in my opinion I put my trust out there that those needs are not pushed aside. I need my maso outlet to help me reset. I don't just love receiving it, I need it like air to breathe. To understand that I get really twitchy, start going over the spectrum in my moods because I need that outlet. It helps me feel comfortable in my own skin. Do I hate that part of me yes. But I accept it and therefore I accept myself. I used to be embarrassed at being a pain slut. I mean really? That's not normal right? While I have settled into my own with all of it. Putting all of those tiny little facets of yourself out there laid bare for another to see that takes: A lot of courage. A lot of faith. A lot strength. A lot of trust that, that person will not judge you for it, not abuse you physically and emotionally. As a submissive I offer up my body as gift for him to use in any manner he deems necessary at the time I give 100% adoration and love for him, because he deserves nothing less of me and because he loves me just the way I am. I follow instruction Trust that my Sir will make the best decision for me physically and emotionally. Behave in a way that will represent not only Sir well but the rest of the house as well. I do what I can to make everyday life easier for Sir so that he can spend less energy on the little things. While this is only a few of the things, I do they are some of the most important. I feel to truly understand what you give helps to understand what you should expect. Also wants versus needs is a difficult task if you really sit down to think about it. As a sub I need: A fairly steady amount of communication, probably more so than most I have a history of loved ones being taken from me unexpectedly and I get anxious with out it. I need physical affection, I was deprived of physical intimacy, no cuddling, hand holding, kissing etc., for 10 years. Because of said previous statement I need to feel wanted. My gift of submission needs to be appreciated for the huge leap that it is. It may take me awhile to get there but when its there it is an awesome feeling for me. I need to be loved for the freaky little sub I am. :) Again all of this is just more of a summary of me and my thoughts on submission. The topic that started it all was really good and it was refreshing to see a Dominants perspective on it. Edited to add: I wrote this because I think sometimes seeing how things are written down helps to better understand what your doing. This is my thoughts on it and how it made me feel about it.

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