SubJeer0

I break shit

Lost

Yes, I listen when you get pissed off at me. I'll stop trying to justify and explain my actions. You have a right to be angry. I know you feel like you can't trust me and it'll be hard for me to prove that you can. When you feel like talking, I will listen. And nothing happened with me last night...I'm still hung up on you

So she believes everything her roommate tells her about me, and as far as I could gather, nothing about what I had said. Even though what I said was the truth. The roommate, who had her own motives for things, invited me over and volunteered information to me...but now has to lie to cover her own ass. Will she ever see I told her the truth? Or does she really think I'm the kind of person to force my way in and pump information out of them?

So her love was fickle? Blown out like a candle? Not even willing to see that I was still coming to her with things that could not be hidden, out of love. Or did she want to live a lie? Does it matter that I believe her? That I said I believed her? No, because she is looking at things from when I still had doubt. If we both loved each other so much, why not deal with what has to be deal with and move forward?

Maybe we'll talk about it later, who knows. Until then, I am sitting back in my home town with my friends and the lovely Shelly, who doesn't need to hear about any of this. So here it is for all of you so I can get on with the night.

I was lied to. And now you know everything. Who and what you will believe is not something I control. I don't expect to talk. But I knew the healing we had done over the last few days would not be complete without 100% disclosure. There would be no real healing if I didn't tell you the truth. She will deny everything. I think you will figure it out.

And now it's done...I've told you everything that people have told me. And I doubt we'll talk again anytime soon, if ever.

And now you don't use this site anymore...except to see if I'm being a 'lurk'...Have I driven you away from even this? Do you remember the way I looked at you that night I sang The Gift by Seether to you? The look of love I had in my eyes for you when I sang "Hold me now, I need to feel complete, like I matter to the one I need"...That love is still here. Are you afraid of it? Did you go because you were afraid I would break your heart, and you needed to get out before that happened? Do I not deserve the same chance that was given to the one before me? I do not know the answers to these. You tell me you struggle with the answers as well. Yet I wonder what it is that keeps you from saying yes. From coming back. You say it isn't fair to either one of us. Why is it not fair to me if it is what I want and am willing to work through anything? What holds you from wanting me back and being willing to work through anything? These are things I ask myself, but I will wait...I will see you when you come back to town, and I hope that what is holding you back is the need to see me again; see that I mean the things I have said. To see that you still want to be with me, or see that you do not.

There is still a future with me. And stability. Its yours for the taking. Heal your heart. Hearing from you heals mine daily. I hope hearing from me does the same for you.

I just finished packing the few things you left behind. And then I sat down and cried again. Because you called this home. And now it doesn't feel like home to me without you. I remember sitting here with you...and now I sit here alone and wish you were here. And I wonder how I will get going again without you, and I have no answers. I'm drinking again because I don't know how to deal with this. 

I feel...different today. I feel like we got somewhere with our talk last night. Today I have to run around, and all I really want to do is be able to talk with you like that again. But I have to go get this stuff done today. On taking a chance on that job: I believe in you.

I have to cut this short and go be responsible...

Probably journal again later

Sometimes I get angry about it...you talked about breaking someone's heart, and I always felt like it was mine that you were speaking of. How I'd be fine without you. This was months ago...but now it makes it seem like you were planning to leave me all along. But it still hurts. And I know you can see that, and I wonder if you're feeling bad for me, because I know you still care, and that's why you've told me that maybe there's hope somewhere down the road. Sometimes I believe it. Often I hold on to it like a crutch. But sometimes I remember that you said: "But of this be absolutely sure: we are finished." And I believe you meant it and maybe still do. Sometimes I think that the talks we've been having recently are you trying to help me get through this, because that's the kind of person you are. Because you still want to be civil; be friends. Yet part of me hopes that was spoken out of anger and hurt, as I spoke out of anger and hurt. That's why I 'lurk' from time to time...just to see your own thoughts and put my own at ease.

But the same thing is posted and it says the same thing it has since you wrote it...and now I'm starting to lose that hope. Every time I read it I remember that I caused it. That there's no going back now. It's like a knife in my heart, and yet I continue to read it, if just because I deserve to feel that hurt over and over.

This not knowing, not being sure, it kills me. I bought groceries today including bagels on the off chance you may stay here, where you once called home (God that made me so happy, to know you considered this 'home'). Every time we talked of the future, even though you were never truly sure what you wanted to do, I loved that too. But mostly, just laying next to you on the broke down piece of shit I call my bed. No matter what we were doing.

I'm hopeless. I'm broken. And somewhere inside the shattered pieces of my heart I know that my hope is futile. And yet I continue to hold to hope. To fight for who I still love...and often feel like a fool for it

I should have been there for you more. I don't know if I can beat the competition, and I don't know how much it means when you say there's hope for us yet. All I know is the whole time I was with you I know you wanted stability. I tried to give you that. And as the money day got closer and closer, I think the feeling of stability waned.

So where do I go from here? Do I hold on to hope and possibly get my heart crushed again when the competition steps back into the picture? Do I really have any chance at all? How do I get you to feel the intimacy we once had? I have not even been able to feel arousal since you left my life. I liked touching you, seeing the shivers I sent through your body. I liked the way you felt beneath me or on top of me. I want to be the one to bring you joy or pain or those purple marks you like. I want to feel your love again. I want you to feel mine and give you the stability you desire. I would follow you anywhere you went, if you'd let me.

No, I can't take back things I said. But please take comfort in the fact that I know you didn't lie to me. You never did what I was suspicious of. But I felt the difference from you and it drove the suspicion. No getting passed it. It's done. Know I said things out of anger that weren't true. I have no excuse. I did not mean them. My crazy was showing because I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. And now I know it may happen. And it still hurts. How do I stop the pain I've caused? Can you open your heart to the chance? Do you need to go be with the competition first to compare? If you do, I cannot hold it against you, since we are no longer together. But I hope while you're here, when you're here again, that you'll come back to my arms, if only for a night, so that I have the opportunity to show you my love again. My body again.

You are the hotness, I never was. You beautiful woman...I miss you so much

Sometimes it just seems like I'm too busy to spend enough time with you. I want to build the life you dream of for you, though I don't know how. Still, I will try. Tonight I am horny. Tied-up, dominated, used. What will the night bring?

I'm not too good at keeping updated on here. Just too busy, but today I'm sick. So, I'll have to get this picture thing taken care of.

Will be uploading a newer picture of my tattoo later this week, once I get to it. In other news, I spent some time hitting my punching bag yesterday, and forgot how much I enjoyed the workout. What I really need now is a nice pair of handcuffs around my wrists and a violet wand run over my throbbing...body...but since that wont be happening anytime soon, I'll be content with my workout.

My mind skips around like a child playing hopscotch. It's a rather entertaining way to occupy oneself at work on a bad day, but rather distracting when trying to accomplish anything important. Speaking of important, I need to buy more rope

I have never been good at saying those things that sometimes should be said, whether out of some passive-aggressive sense of stupidity, or failure to register the thoughts as words in the moment they should be quoted. Somewhere in my past I adopted "silence is golden" as a mantra, and I never went back to revise it. Still a decent mantra...but perhaps it's time to rethink my ways.

And for the record, scraping a pipe with a bobby pin apparently sucks ass...