subfeelings

Dear Journal

Mood: Great

It's again been sometime since I wrote an entry, this time it's been because of work and the fact I've been in hospital. i had a minor operation, which unfortunately didn't go to plan, which resulted in me spending a few very uncomfortable days.

Anyway what I thought I'd write about was my fears leading up to the operation and how during the journey to hospital these fears came to a head, a sudden realisation, what does it really matter, resulting in a surprisingly strange calm.

This wasn't my first operation I had an almost identical operation around five years ago and I cannot remember being really nervous, yes I understood there were risks but I was always capable of rationalising the fear, right up until the operation, the only time I really dwelled on the possibilities, well forced to really, was during or after conversation with family or friends. Even in the hospital in the short time before the operation I had no real nerves, although this was due essentially to the staff, their professionalism and the distraction of the surrounding.

This time I wasn't worried by the operation itself, as after the previous operation I believed I'd be back on my feet the next day. What consumed my thoughts was the anaesthetic; I'd never really given this any thought before, I was aware of the dangers but consciously or otherwise I dismissed them. However this time no matter how hard I tried I couldn't rationalise the fear, don't misunderstand me, life went on as normal, but these thoughts, feelings did manifest in physical symptoms I'd not experienced before.

The possibility of not waking from the anaesthetic really troubled me,  I tried pushing the thoughts away, telling myself not to be silly,  but as it got closer and closer to the date I found it more-and-more difficult, if not impossible, I became really anxious if only for relatively short periods but the feeling were intense and would effecting my whole body,  its difficult to explain but I was aware of the blood in my legs, pains not the word but I couldn't keep them still, this occurred most intensely the day before the operation, surprisingly during a time when under pressure (work related) for a second my thoughts turned to the operation and realising it was tomorrow, I guess adrenalin kicked-in and my senses heighten, i don't really know what happened but I was aware that my heart rate increased and a slight feeling of confusion, I didn't realise what was happening! The more I tried to relax the more intense the feelings in my legs and arms, I made a few phone calls finding the need to talk, after which I started to feel ok! Its funny but I didn't get this feeling again even during my drive home a journey of about and hour and a half.

On the way to the hospital I started thinking about it, about not waking up, it's really strange but I suddenly wasn't worried, I could imagine blackness, a sensation of time but with nothing there, it was very real, a nothingness, just not waking, a stark reality that things just go on, how unimportant life really is, I know what some of you will be thinking, and I really not wish to disparage life, but in terms with the vastness of what's must be out there you must admit we're pretty insignificant , at least to everybody/thing but yourselves, what the hell  I thought; after all you don't know your dead. What I find really difficult to understand is this feeling of blackness, but still being aware of time, I could think of nothing! It was just so very real.

Dear Journal.

Mood: happy

Its getting late on Sunday evening but since I haven't written anything for some time I forced myself to do so!

Looking back on the week it's been all work with the exception of a short but very enjoyable lunch meeting with a Dominant woman, with whom I made contact with first on collarme.

Talked to MisPandora today, She's been very busy i'm amazed how She does it! Keeps up Her day job and all Her other activities!

Not looking forward to work really, i'm working on a project that I don't really enjoy, it's also been a little difficult due to internal politics. i've been working in the IT industry for a long time now and i've never been involved nor heard of for that matter a project fail for technical reasons, its always people!

Dear Journal,

Mood: Great

Sunday 18^th February

It's become obvious from the comments i've had that my journal entries have come across very negative, i didn't intended this nor do I feel that way. So with that in mind I'm going to try and make them positive (for want of a better word). I really don't want it to seem like i'm unhappy because as i've said before i'm not! Another reason is that it's difficult sometimes to write stuff in this journal because its public, adding detail or every day events would make it obvious who i am, easy to recognise, not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed of my nature, i've excepted who i am! But most people don't understand what this is all about although it true to some extent that BDSM (or forms of it) have become trendy, it's still true that many of the labels, which go alone with it, are perceived as perverted or nasty.

The home thing is going really well hopefully by the end of April the project will be completed and Y/you would recognise the place and not only because i've will have moved. Works also going very well it beginning to look like this little venture i started together with a few friends, two years ago now might work.

Not that i want to get my hopes up or venture into wild speculation, but a plan i had related to work looks like it may all come together, although it will have a definite influence on my personal life, i'll know more in about two weeks.

Dear Journal

Mood: Tired

Its been a busy week not only work related but socially as i've not only had a colleague staying with me but a long time friend visiting together with his girlfriend. i'm quite glad they've all left now.

Visiting the UK next week for reasons i won't go into here, i wish i had more time there but work commitments means i'm only get a few days and i have a lot of stuff i must do.

Working on making a home: i've started with the office, i've already re-wired the cables for the computer and stuff, setup Skype with DUAL phone, its really cool, moved and remounted the wireless access point and tomorrow I will add new desks and start painting. i've not made many changes on the rest of the house, just tided a few things, a few practical changes. i need to add more storage for the kitchen next, i have a small but well equipped kitchen but there?s a lack of space, i'm thinking about adding and island, this not only has the benefit of adding more storage space but work surface too.   Most of the furniture in the lounge needs to be replaced that comes next.

i must say i'm getting enthusiastic about this, its hard to explain it seems such a simple normal activity, but i've spent so made yeas travelling and moving from one place to the next i've forgot about/how to making a home and by this i don't just mean somewhere to live, but a place where I feel comfortable, where the things around me are extension of my character, were it says something about me, please don't get be wrong my home is comfortable its clean, full of all the modern comforts, its just lacking character a personality, the present the only epitomizing character trait is my bookcase.  

i guess i can't escape my last diary entry, not just because it got me chastised by MisPandora, but it was a little negative, well we're all entitled to have the odd down-day(s), even summissive's. As Y/you can deduce i?m keeping my journals going although i'm still thinking about pursuing a vanilla relationship, i'm just not meeting dominant women and i'm just not all i can be without a partner.  

Dear Journal,

Mood: Dishearten

It's becoming painfully obvious that my search for a dominant female partner isn't going at all well! i can't help feel that someone somewhere is losing out.

i've decided that i'm no longer limiting my search to only dominant women, although i'm frighten that a vanilla relationship isn't going to last, for reasons that will be evident to those who've read my pervious journals. But i've decided that it's infinitely better for me to be with someone, she'll still be the focus of my life, i don't need the BDSM label, it doesn't change who i'am, maybe She'll realise and except it?  

i'm thinking of deleting by profile on here and all other relevant sites, but is maybe just a reaction to a bad day, so i'll wait and reflex on this when i'm in a better mood. i'd like to keep my journals so i'll move them to a blog site and keep them private or maybe just for friends.  These sites haven't really brought me any success, although i did meet MisPandora and i'm really glad i had that opportunity? even if She's American (smiles, European joke MisPandora)

Dear Journal

Mood: lethargic

It's been sometime since i've written an entry, this was mainly due to my holiday, although i must admit i did try to write an entry a few weeks ago but just couldn't bring myself to publish it.

i've been to Africa and after three and half weeks of sun, coming back to the grey cold weather of the Netherlands initial left me feeling a little depressed.  One think i've learnt is how easy it is for people, (me included) to live life in are own little box unaware of what's really going on around us, people living behind high walls with electric fences, after time you realises these walls aren't just physical and many of us live are lives like this. Although taking on the troubles of the world or others for that matter is not something many of us can do nor should.

It's a wonderfull country the energy and drive of the people is awesome!

Not only is the landscape diverse and beautiful but the people too, it truly is a rainbow nation.

The following has nothing to do with my holiday other than i used the time for reflection.

For sometime now i've had the feeling things are changing, my attitude, the way i think about the world and the things around me. Oh... it isn't related to BDSM, but a more emotional, understanding of who I am. i feel like i'm searching for something but i have no idea what, its not religious nor do i think its spiritual, i believe the change is going to be positive, but it going to be big.

i set various goals towards the end of last year and the New Year as started with vigour i'm busy putting structure into my life and it's going well i'm starting to get a good sense of achievement.  

i've mention in my journal before that i don't really feel like i've made a home and that i have a feeling that i don't belong.  i've lead my life not really being in control never really having direction, just going from one opportunity or event to the next, i guess this could be true for many submissive's, its probably part of our nature, unfortunately i've only just started to understand this nature.  Almost without except all my relationships have ended by me being told i'm too nice, although i have been guilty of concentrating on work too much, generally i've always put girlfriend(s) first many times at a cost to myself. Not that my relationships have been without arguments ;) i think because from the outside i've appeared to have fairly interesting and responsible job(s) i've attracted girls that expected me to be more dominant in a relationship and although i can seem assertive and that i know what i want, which is true to a point, but i'm unable to add direction to my personal life, as my effort goes into making others happy. So now i'm looking for a partner who understands my submissive nature and my strengths and is able to make the best of me.

i think this partially explains my inability to make or find a home. When i was in South Africa i realised (yet again) that if i was never to return to my flat, there isn't anything i would really miss, being honest this frightens me a little, i'm unsure if it's just because i've never really made it a home or maybe i'm incapable of those feelings! It also had a lot to do with my travelling, i spent about seven years, were i was on one or more aeroplanes nearly every week, if i was in the Netherlands for more than two weeks i'd get withdrawal symptoms, i'd just got to get on a plane.  It took me well over a year to get rid of this feeling. It could also be due to me needing a reason (myself not being good enough) if left to my own devices i tend to take the easy route and I have a very easy going nature.

Number one priority to make a home!

Dear Journal,

i often wonder if anybody reads this journal?

The same thoughts keep going through my mind and i'm beginning to realise there's no real answers, but i'm sure these recurring themes are not a good thing! i must do something about them - take some action - make some changes, either that or just accept the fact and move on.  i'm fast drawing to the conclusion that a big change is necessary, i'm stagnating...  mylifes always been packed with changes, constantly on the move, yet over the last few years i've become complacent, just living! i've lost the passion in my every daily life.''The ancient Greeks didn't write obituaries. They asked only one question when a man died: Did he have passion?'' .  This suggests that we should live with gusto - with excitement and wonder. This quote is truly inspirational; too many people spend more than half of their waking life's doing work for which they feel no passion. i don't want to be one of them! i'm going to put a post-it note on my bed room door saying ''Get out! Don't waste your life!  Don't become one of those passionless people''.

i can't help but think that this is all part of a midlife crisis, so many of my friends have gone on strange adventures in search of spiritual meaning. For what? i can only assume is to find themselves, i tried to avoid this kind of thinking; believing that one should look internally - at oneself, it seems pointless to travel halfway around the world, climb some mountain (just because its there), or retreat to some deserted place, when a mirror would be far more readily available, a sort of ''mirror, mirror on the walk who is the...''  thing.  Although i guess a mirror has the danger of starting yet another form of crisis, my nose is to big or Oh god; i'm losing my hair!  On second thoughts it's probably better to clime that dam mountain forgetting all this rubbish and just get-over it!

It seems that the secret to happiness is adaptation, learning to deal with all that life throws at us, excepting what we cannot change. i'm tempted to say ''life's a struggle'' but on reflection that's only because we make it that way - yes, life requires effort to get the best out of it. i think its true the best things in life are free but not without some effort.  i'm envies of those people who seem to have a constant smile, always happy, but Y/you have to wonder what comes first the happiness or the smile?  (i'm going to get botox's injections right now with the hope of fixing a permanent smile)

i was hoping to be in the US now visiting MisPandora but due to work commitments it wasn't possible, this disappointed me a lot more that i would have thought.

i'm looking forward to Christmas and New Year, i'm taking a long awaited holiday in the sun, it will be the first time i've spent Christmas in a hot climate; weird, at least i think it will be, The cold weather and the fait hope of actually having a White Christmas is all part of the festival, it will be like winter sport without the snow. i'm travelling to a really nice place but i cannot help dwelling on the fact i'll be alone and this makes me sad, it would be so nice to have someone to share the experiences with. i cannot allow myself to dwell on this thou.

i'm going to make big changes in my life when i get back,   

Dear Journal,

It's been sometime since i've written an entry and being honest i've forgotten a lot of what was going on in my mind.

my birthday passed fairly uneventful a few of my close friends rallied together and we went out for dinner, must say had a very good time but on the down side felt very lonely. Works consuming a great deal of my time and haven't had much personal time and when i have the last thing i wanted to see was a keyboard! My sex life over the last few months has been really bad consisting solely of masturbation, but on a positive note i think it was Woody Allen who said of Masturbation ''don't knock it, at least its sex with somebody who loves you'' or something like that.

i'm still taking to MisPandora, was REALLY hoping to visit Her in December but it doesn't look like its going to workout, being honest i'm a little disappointed. It was MisPandora that insisted i update my journal.

i'm getting a little disillusioned with the BDSM scene, i get the idea that the majority of the people i talk to are damaged in someway and dare i say it i think this is true more for the Dominants than the submissives', its difficult to give examples since this is public and people might recognise themselves, but i bet many of the Ppeople reading this know what i mean; especially any female submissive's. This has made me take a long hard look at myself.

i must admit i've often thought about seeking professional help in other words seeing a psychologist, especially in the beginning, i still get the idea from time-to-time. When my submissive feelings started to emerge the idea of being submissive'. well disgusted me! So many questions i couldn't answer; so many feelings i just didn't understand:

What would my friends thing?

Why would i want somebody to control me!

Why did I feel the need to be punished?

Why did i have this need to kneel for someone?

What was this burning need ( i lack the words to describe this)? 


my thoughts were consumed with why.. why.. why! i didn't want any of these feeling! i'd always thought of myself as having a strong character, assertive, independent and what's more  i like to get my own way.

What i didn't realise was that many of these characteristics are typical of a submissive, but by themselves they don't make you one! Lets get back to the topic, am i damaged? i've just been talking to a submissive friend of mine, she believes that everyone over the age of 40 is damaged in someway, i suspect (sadly) there maybe some true in this.  It's true the trigger (my coming-out as i like to call it) was the break-up of a relationship; i'm not going into the circumstances saver-to-say i'd put a lot of effort into this girls future at the cost of my own. It was hearing the words and not for the first time ''that i was a very special guy, too nice''. This first made me angry then after time i started to realise that i had a submissive nature.

So am I damaged goods? Well I guess the answers yes, but who isn't! But am I generally happy? Most defiantly yes, i'm getting on with my life and for the most part enjoying it.  So what am i looking for? Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions, (Woody Allen again)

my submissive friend recons  i should stop asking questions with why, because it usually leads to yet more why's, this made be smile, first because her saying this is like ''The pot calling the kettle black'' and secondly because its true and i know it. MisPandora recently gave me some good advice She said ''he is what he is, and dealing with it will be a constant battle ONLY if you make it one.  No Mistress wants a high-maintenance boy who rides like a roller coaster.  Accept who and what you are, accept what you can and can't control''.

So i guess that whilst many of us seem normal (for want of a better word) on the surface, behind the scenes we're more often than not hiding something! So maybe the phrase ''normal'' needs redefining? And who wants to be normal anyway?

Dear journal,

It's been sometime since i've added a journal entry, i have no real excuse, just been very busy, the only reason i've got time now is because I had a meeting arranged at 1PM this afternoon, but the guy didn't turn-up. i waited at his desk for 25 minutes, after which i left a note, its now 3:30 and i still haven't got a response (i think its time for a email). He's the customer i'm  the consultant - what do i do about it?  i'm working on a fixed price project and i find myself always arguing with the customer, usually because i can't get information or access to resources,  arguing, something i dislike greatly, these are common problems, but at this company it's a re-occurring issue, i think its due to lack of management or in this case no management. It's difficult to get anything done, due to internal politics; it's also difficult to escalate issues as i cannot make my sponsor look bad. Feeling better now i've had a moan, can structure a more polite and diplomatic email to the customer

The pervious weekend, including the Friday was taken-up by a visiting friends (from the UK) and dinner with a group of friends, all vanilla activities. Sunday i did a mountain bike trail.

(A few jumbled thoughts)

it's my birthday soon (birthday messages would be greatly received), another year older! Haven't taken a holiday yet this year, been trying to make plans but its proving difficult due to work commitments.  i've been  talking to MsPandora quite a lot lately, i've asked if i could visit Her in the US, i think She was very pleased about this! Unfortunately it's going to be very difficult to make it anymore than a long weekend. Starting a new project tomorrow at another company, haven't finished this one yet! i hope to get the chance to visit family in the UK soon as there's an opportunity to do some pre-sales work there.

Must get back to work. 

Title: Dinner

Dear Journal.

Last night i had dinner with a sub female, we talked about all sorts of things, but in midstream we have a habit of jumping from one topic to another, (being honest i think that's mostly me). she makes me think, but i tend to start thinking and talking out loud and i can't help wonder what she thinks of my ramblings? (smiling).

i must admit there's not many people i can talk to about this topic (BDSM) and it helps to talk.  As a wandering sub i find myself thinking and daydreaming a lot. The problem with thinking (keeping your thoughts inside), is that the subconscious and conscious mind quickly merge, in other words its easy to blur day-dreams with structured wide-awake brainstorming, for that reason i'm afraid that without being challenged, both by having to express my thoughts verbally (justification) and by listening to other ideas, (stimulated, judged) that i'm going to convince myself into something that?s not right for me. So i'd like to thank her for listening (she?ll knows who she is) and being my sounding board, oh and for an enjoyable dinner.

Title: Reflection

Dear Journal

It's now 10:55 and after chatting with MisPandora  I've tidied up some papers/receipts and then sat down for a few minutes and watched the end of Vanilla Sky, it's a very thought provoking movie, but i'm not going to talk about that now.

i've now thought a lot about the previous weekend my meeting with Pandora and i've come to the conclusion that i do indeed have a slave heart, i'm now starting to understand why i've spent most of my life stumbling from one thing to another, i've often blamed, not ever making a real home on my work and constant travel, i've often said that if i was never to return to my flat/home, i'd wouldn't miss anything! But i now realise that although this might have something to do with it, i now understand that the need to travel was a symptom not the cause. The travel itself is the result of not feeling complete, a search for something, which until now i've never knew or understood.  In general i have a happy, fulfilled and active live, but i've spent most of it wandering through life feeling unfulfilled, confused, i've had a few vanilla relationships most of them long lasting but they've left me incomplete, a hole that i've filled with work and travel. i've now come to realise that I have a true submissive heart and it's only going to be satisfied by the service to a Mistress.

Over the last few years i've explored the world of BDSM, although i've never really felt entirely comfortable, finding it hard to accept these feelings and also being confused by the BDSM world, the social stigma and misconceptions, but after talking to Pandora and experiencing the guidance and understanding of a true Dominant female, i've started to understand what's missing. i've been finding it more and more difficult to cope with day-to-day life, of late i've was getting way off track, as i've began to understand my needs the feelings, there've become more intense and sometimes difficult, this is why (i now believe) as some of Y/you might have read in a previous journal, that i found the need to kneel alone for long periods of time.

i now feels more contented with who i am and although i knows i still as a long way to go, i believe i'll get there for the first time.

Dear Journal,

Had a really great weekend! A few weeks ago on another BDSM site i received an email from a MisPandora, it was one of those "I'm visiting" emails, it stated She was visiting the Netherlands and was looking for a guide.

i've never been impressed by these emails, their usually making themselves out to be a goddess or something similar, financial motivated and implying that you should be falling at Their feet and you don't even know them. And a one night-stand or even a weekend isn't what i?m looking for! Therefore my first thought was just to delete and ignore the email, but after reading Her short email i realised it contained a fair amount of information including links to a number of Websites one being Her profile and the other explaining the reason She was visiting Amsterdam, my curiosity got the better of me.

To cut a long story short after reading Her email and investigating the links i was impressed, She had a life, She was very active in the public BDSM world a professional and had been crowned Ms World Leather 2004, but what struck me was that She had a life, the majority of Her site was taken up with Her normal life, Her work as a paramedic and transplant coordinator and Her interests, no worship Me stuff at all, so i decided to reply and i'm really glad i did.

After we'd exchanged a number of emails and a short telephone conversation i volunteered to serve Her for the weekend, which She accepted, i picked Her up from the airport on Friday. (if Y/you wondering i have Her permission to write this)

i took Her to the Hotel and then W/we walked around Amsterdam. As we walked around the Red-light district She impressed me with Her knowledge of all things leather. We stop for lunch and we talked for a long time, most of the afternoon, about D/s, i felt guilt and still do because we spoke for so long we didn't get the time to visit the "van Gogh" museum, which was on our agenda and She wanted to see. i walked Her back to the Hotel so She had to time to get ready for the open event.

i didn't see Her Saturday, She gave a class in the morning and the rest of the day was taken up with activities, so it gave me plenty of time to reflex on the previous day. She gave be a lot to think about and what's more i enjoyed the day.

i'd arranged to pick Her up at 09:30 Sunday morning, we'd made plans to visit a few small towns in North Holland, giving Her the opportunity to see something other than Amsterdam, we watched a dragon boat race in Alkmaar then drove to a small picturesque town called Enkhuizen where we had lunch, nothing was really planned it was, "lets drive and see where we end up" , i guess some of You are getting bored and what to more exciting stuff, well we did get to play.

She made me stand naked against the wall for what seemed ages and then using hemp rope She passed it between my legs and over my cock, bringing it back between my legs and up to shoulder blades and then around my body a number of time, She tied the knots quickly and very expertly, it felt very secure, it might sound surprising but it was the rope around my chest that was the most pleasurable, i could only feel the rope over my cock when she made be knee and crawl.

i don't take praise well, usually blushing and not really knowing how to respond, but i've decided to go against my norm as this journals usually focus of the negative.

She told me afterward that She believes i'm a true submissive and that She was very pleased with my behaviour that She'd enjoyed Her weekend and too a great-part that was down to me, it had exceeded Her expectation, i'm only glad i managed to make Her weekend enjoyable.

i've now sure that i'm doing the right thing searching for a relationship with a dominant woman, i'll survive on my own, but will always feel incomplete and knowing, that i'll never reach my best without the discipline and love of a dominant woman.

Dear Journal,

Looking back over the weekend i cannot help wonder where it went, Saturday is a bit of a blur,  i remember being busy but i have no clear recollection of what I did, it now seems i achieved nothing, i went to the gym and i did the weekly shopping?

Sunday morning i went mountain biking, although the word mountain when used in the Netherlands should be interpreted as a small hill, for those of Y/you that don?t know the Netherlands its very very flat. i once worked on the seventh floor of a building in the south of the Netherlands, whilst on the phone to a friend in the UK, I could only explain the view as like looking out to sea, i could see what could be interpreted as an horizon in all directions, but between nothing but flat land and lot of it green, a lot of the Netherlands is below sea level.

Mountain biking is my usual Sunday morning activity there?s a group of up to about  seven, although this Sunday there was only three of us, me and two of the fittest guys, unfortunately both also about 10 years younger.  At the end i had the feeling they were trying to kill me off, as i was almost always at the back struggling to keep up. We usually do between 50-70km (31m ? 44m) and at the start i always wonder why i do it, getting going can be difficult but at the end as a rule i feel great i'm tired but feeling so invigorated and glad to be alive.

i didn't do much to find a Mistress, i sent one email to a Dominant Woman (Dutch) on collarme, but as yet didn't get a reply.  i spent a few hour's Sunday afternoon talking to a female sub, whom i've briefly mention in this journal before. i don?t want to discuss much about our conversation, because i haven't got her permission.

It appears to me that most Mistress's on here are financially motivated, not that i think there's anything intrinsically wrong with that, its just not what i'm looking for, although i will admit just lately that there have been times when these feelings are so strong i've thought about it! but i know in my heart that this will not give me what i need, nor will it do justice to what i have to offer. i can't deny feeling a little down Sunday evening, but i'm also aware that there's a tendency for these journals to always sound negative and i don't want that, because generally i'm happy, although i?m not apologizing for missing or needing something that?s would be very special in my life.

Dear journal

i haven't written anything for a while, i've been meaning to for sometime, just haven't had the time. i've made friends with a couple of sub females living in Amsterdam, met one of them for lunch, were we talked for about four hours, jumping from one topic to another the time went so fast,  i really enjoyed the conversation very much and i'm looking forward to meeting again.

i've also been talking to a couple of Dominant females unfortunately  based in the US, W/we've exchanged a number of emails now, although we haven't talked much about the lifestyle, more about hobbies and pastimes.

The last few days i've had this need to submit, an overwhelming desire to be dominated, all sorts of things running through my mind, punishment, humiliation and just day dreams about how such control would affect my life. Although now the need seems to be leaving, i really wish i knew why i got those feelings, to be honest it seems completely stupid, but i can't deny there strength, the very real need and the effect it has on me and consequently my life. A few days ago i spent about half an hour, kneeling alone on my living room floor, why i don't know, there was this invisible force pushing me down, at the time it felt right? more than right! i'm even a little embarrassed admitting to it now.  

On so many levels i don't understand these feelings, it seems completely unnatural even silly. And to confuse matters there are periods although usually very short when i feel? Dominant, it's not the right word its to strong a feeling, but i hope it gives the idea because i don't really know how to describe it.  i started to think of these periods as ups and downs, the downs being my submissive periods, although i realized that these terms re-enforced a negative connotation and this didn't help.  i will admit in the beginning i fought these feeling believing them to be destructive and negative,  i?m know learning the opposite, i realised that the best periods of my life have been in the company of Dominant Women, although i really didn?t understand what was going on at the time. 

i know i'm very vulnerable sometimes and i tend to get my life in a complete mass from time to time and i need to muster all my strength to get things back on track, although i always do,  i know i have a great deal to offer and i can do a lot more with my life, but i need direction and control, so the search goes on for a Dominant partner to enhance my life.

Since this is a journal i'm just going to put my thoughts and feelings as they are at the moment, may feel completely different in a few hours.

i don't  think i've mention this before, but i?ve been experimenting with Gor online, finding the topic fascinating, the rules, discipline, rituals and total submission of the slaves, i've read the first three books and although badly written i couldn?t stop reading. i've been struggling to find a place as a male slave ?kajirus? but finding it very difficult. The more i learn the more difficult it becomes, the problem being; Gor's a male dominated world and males who submit are generally looked down upon and to the most part given a hard time, males slaves are for hard labour.  i don't really know where i?m going to go with it!

i find it more interesting than the general BDSM world although i realise that BDSM is a very broad topic, although for me i find the sex although important is not the driving factor it's the control and ritual and respect i have for the Female sex, i don't find the need to dress up in latex or leather and frequent clubs, although I will confess to a mild curiosity.

i need loving Female authority in my life, it makes me hold and a better person, believing anything is possible with the right Female. There are a lot of players out there and i'm beginning to find that to some degree i'm very vulnerable; there are times when I feel I would submit to anybody, it's a need a deep longing, although i'm learning the difference between my wants/fantasy and my real needs.

i'm well educated fairly intelligent, fun loving male, who loves life and tries to live it to the full, i think i have a lot to offer, so why is it so difficult to find a Dominant partner.

I've had one response to my last entry, She said ?When you get your shit together and are willing to truly submit then you might find a Domme .? although i did feel this was a little hard i must accept She's probably right!

Although i must argue (sorry for using that word) about my willingness to submit, i'm very willing to surrender, i truly believe i'm a true submissive and i believe to some extent in Female supremacy, whiles still believing the sexes are equal, anyway i'm in danger of digressing. i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm not a doormat i'm not willing to accept just any Mistress, although when i do, i hope it will be totally, therefore in my eyes She will be very special, i want Her to be the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing at night.

So why should a Mistress expect less of a sub/slave? i guess that?s part of my answer!  i'm beginning  to understand that?s its just as difficult for a Domme to find a sub.   

In the last week a number of things happen, i purchased a book on Japanese Bondage, i find this fascinating not only erotic but beautiful. i've also made contact with a couple of other subs hoping to exchange experiences  and ideas, anyway i'm going to the gym, want to look good naked just in case i do find that Mistress ;-)

I said in the last journal that i'd talk about ?making an impression?  or not in my case (smiling)  i've been thinking about this a lot but i'm not sure i understand it really, although i realised i haven?t been myself under these circumstances.  It's difficult to find a Mistress here in the Netherlands or at least i?m finding it difficult to say the least, i've had one interview with a Domme face-to-face and one on the telephone with a UK Mistress, neither of which went that well.  i'm not normally a nervous person but in both case nerves got the best of me.

i think Mistress's are looking for a submissive in which they can interact who?s going to be stimulating and presents a challenge and I come across maybe too submissive, although in reality i?m very difficult to handle, augmentative and  stubborn. On the other hand maybe they see right-through me and i appear too self-centred.

i've spent a great of my working life travelling and consequently don?t feel like i have a home anywhere, i've not had much success with vanilla relationships although there've generally been long and meaningful, maybe i just come across desperate.

Been trying to think what sort of information would be useful in this journal, which made be realise i haven't had much of a personal life lately as I've been burying myself in work.  Its suddenly became obvious; i'm trying to make myself happy, makeup for that missing part of my life thereby not facing the real problem!

i think its true sometimes especially with relationships that the harder you look the lest likely you are to find what you seek, i guess its that beacon, which is visible to everyone but you, flashing desperate on top of your head that scares people away. i think i've avoided this sad poor me syndrome by genuinely being happy and content with who i am, finding a partner hasn?t been a real problem up until very recently i've been dating lots of women, even got myself a stalker, but they all been submissive and although i?ve tried explaining even sending one and email with Elise Sutton's ??How to Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend to the Female Domination Lifestyle? but although she tried it didn?t work, so here?s a question for anybody reading this; can you turn someone into a Dominant?

The begging of year I'd returned to my youth, screwing every girl I could, i quickly realised this wasn?t going to work, a submissive woman was never going to fulfil my needs. (or may be i just gave up to soon?)   

Anyway the gist of all this being that be it unconsciously or not i?d stop trying other than posting adds and searching the internet, which hasn?t been very successful, serious Mistress?s are hard to find and when i do find them i get very nervous, i don?t seem to be able to make the right impression. (this will be for another posting) need to get back to work :-)  

Feeling much better now, my search for a Mistress still isn?t going to well, but have received a few emails with words of encouragement, especially appreciated the one from a Domme in Mississippi to whom i?m very grateful She took the time to support me, its also inspired me to keep these diary entries going. But i?d like to thank all those who told the time to email.

The rest of my life is going very well, believing its my source of happiness at the moment, although I need to get my thoughts of this life style under control as i too much time thinking about it, and its interfering with my work, as I learn more about this life style I realise the differences between my true needs and wants, although this is hard sometimes.

If Y/you?re taking the time to read this i?d welcome any comments and thought?s. i would especially like to hear from people in the Netherlands or UK.

Created this profile today, doesn't seem to be many P/people from Europe, if Y/you're reading this and live either in the UK or the Netherlands, drop me an email i'd like meet like minded P/people.