subenchanted

Male Submissive, 48, Portland, Oregon

Male Submissive, 37, ashdod

Male Submissive, 24, Vancouver

Since when is "imprecise writing" a definition of lying? The person I referred to in my previous post told me that what I had written were lies and slander, yet when I quoted from the email where he said those things, he said that he had written imprecisely. I am sorry, but there is a vast difference between "private meetings with the DA and the judge" -- which is illegal -- and meetings that include the defendant's lawyer. I developed an irrational attachment to this man because of how he wrote to me when I was very ill and so instead of just ending it when he started to write vastly implausible or contradictory things I tried to get him to tell me the truth. Yet the more I asked for that, the more the contradictions piled up. Names changed, dates changed dramatically. I will never know the truth, but it must be pretty bad, since what he told me did not make him look very good. I do not care at this point what the truth is, of course, other than a mild curiosity. But I am baffled. He says that he is looking for a long term relationship and that, at least, I believe. How can he possibly think that he will ever find one if he cannot tell the truth? It is sad, because we seemed to want the same things and, unless he has violence in his past, I would probably have been all right with whatever he told me. (I am not saying that this would have been smart of me, but merely that I was in a state where an open caring honest man, whatever his past, would have been fine.) I have wasted far too much time on him and I am still not entirely better. I think my job is secure, but in the financial sector one can never tell, so I must put all of my energy into work for now. I am very sorry that I put my eggs in the wrong basket, because otherwise I might have found a genuine lover and Master during this time. But as things stand I will have to delay finding a partner until I can devote enough time to a relationship.

I guess Don is done with me, which is just as well. I let my initial feelings for him color my judgment, not to mention the fact that being so sick for so long left me not thinking clearly. I am an unusually forgiving person, so I gave him every chance to "come clean". But rather than acknowledging that he had changed major things -- to the point that he couldn't keep basic facts straight -- he has clung to his version(s) of things. The "funny" thing is that his alterations -- whatever they may be -- don't make him look especially good, except his description of his legal problems, which were astonishingly far-fetched, not to mention flat out illegal in parts. Not being a good enough liar to keep straight whether you ended one major relationship before starting another or you were seeing them at the same time for months does not make lying a good strategy. Although obviously I don't recommend lying at all. Some notes to defendants trying to cover your behind by pretending that the system is stacked against you: Judges do not and can not meet privately with victims without the defendent being represented, as ex parte meetings are strictly verboten. Victims of non-violent crimes do not get state-provided therapists; they rarely even get victim advocates -- which they are entitled to in Massachusetts -- due to lack of resources. ADAs do not try to push for abuse charges with "no evidence whatsover", as it's hard enough to make an abuse case stick even with ample evidence. The DA's office tries to plead out crimes whenever possible, and virtually no larceny cases go to trial unless the defendant insists upon it, as the Commonwealth's goal is to seek restitution, not jail time. Larceny and other relatively minor felony cases go to the most junior ADAs. Filing false charges with the police is a crime, perhaps one that won't be prosecuted but certainly one that will promptly get the charges against the defendant dismissed. I could go on and on.) A note to potential Masters: describing a dozen or so women, some former lovers, some parents, friends, therapists, etc., who have victimized you does not make you look like a good candidate. Someone who has been victimized over and over again by women does not make you sound like a good choice for a Master, or even a vanilla boyfriend. I was warned by people in the forums and by another woman who was getting to know him (and has since deleted her account, perhaps to avoid him) and I should have listened. But he was literate and creative and once I got sick I wanted someone to be back here for me. I honestly don't know whether he believes what he wrote to me at this point, nor do I know whether a man who intentionally lies about his past is better or worse than one who has convinced himself of a different reality. It doesn't really matter in the end. Yes, I have blocked him. I hope that my pointing out a couple of the many discrepancies in his stories will have him ignoring me at this point anyway, but I have no interest in teaching him how to be a better liar. And, no, he's not in my friends list nor have I mentioned his profile nickname, so nothing in here will identify him to anyone, except possibly in an indirect manner if the story sounds very familiar. I'm just back from vacation where it rained most of the time and heading back to work tomorrow, still not entirely recovered, so I'm not looking at the moment. Thank you for your interest and I imagine I'll be looking again some time in the future.

I guess I said the wrong things to Don or, rather, I said things that he didn't want to hear. I don't understand how someone can seek to enter into a D/s relationship -- especially a Dom -- when one's life is shaky and on a tenuous foundation. What is there to build on, after all? I imagine he'll hear my advice as a demand or a criticism. I don't need his money -- my income is more than adequate to my needs and wants -- but his life seems too unstable in too many ways at this point to be starting a relationship. I've hoped to hear genuine insight about his life and how he has arrived at this place, but I suspect it's not to be. And rain rain go away come again another day. I don't want to get sunburned but it would be good to have that possibility at least.

Ah, away from it all. Fresh air, seafood, sun, lots of books, and quiet. It's been a rough couple of months, but I hope when I come home my life will be refreshed and restarted. I'm waiting on Don to send me something that will probably be the determining factor. If things don't work out with him, I think I'll take a break from looking. I've invested a lot of time and energy in him. I have a lot of serious thoughts about what he's written to me already, but I don't know if he can or will listen to them. Perhaps that will be the determining factor rather than the mail I await.

Don has addressed some of my concerns at great length. I guess I am too impatient, wanting and needing reassurances about someone I have grown to want for some time now. I need to digest what he has written and, despite his (expressed) waning interest, ask him some more questions. Normally I would not be asking so much like this, but his past life is very complicated and I have also heard things that concern me. I have been badly burned once and so I am seeking to address my major concerns before meeting him and, perhaps, falling under his spell as so many others have. I hope my concerns are not real, or at least are not as serious as they appear, because I would hate to lose someone special.

Don says he has an explanation for all of the things that I have heard about him. I hope that is true, because we have written a lot and I have waited a long time to meet him. But I also have many questions and at some point I will have to give up on waiting for answers and move on. I'm still very tired and drawn from my long illness, so starting over with someone new will probably have to wait until I am recovered, both physically and emotionally. But it is best to wait until I have some reason to think that things may be right and true between us, whoever "us" may be.

So much for honesty and directness. I had questions about Don's past because of things I had read in the forums and also because of some disturbing patterns in his past, a past that he wrote considerably about. I very much appreciated his telling me about his past, as it made me more comfortable about the idea of meeting him. And I would like to think that there are innocent explanations for my questions. But I have not heard back from him, even though he has had the time to be on collarme. Perhaps I should not have believed what he wrote me about feeling a strong connection to me and that he was waiting for me to return from my trip and to recover from my illness. His eloquence and words of caring matter a lot to me. Or should I say mattered? But perhaps I am being too impatient for his reply. It is hard to tell. I thought that we might meet once before I go to the Caribbean to try and restore my health, although I look quite drawn and not the way I would like to meet someone for the first time. I will have internet access while I am there, although I do not plan to spend much time at the computer. I need fresh air and gentle exercise and healthy food, not sitting inside staring at the screen that I stare at so much at work. Perhaps I will hear from him today. Perhaps his caring words were just words. I don't know.

I have been very sick for over a month and haven't been on collarme at all. A man I started talking with before I got sick has been very sweet and supportive, and I'm hoping that it will work out with him. So, thank you, Don, for being there for me, at least via email and thoughts.

Someone wrote to me today wondering how I could refer to a former Master and not consider myself a slave. That seems like an odd question. I was his submissive. He was my Master. What is so hard to understand about that? If that is a typical attitude then it makes me wonder if this is the right place for me to look. Are people so bound by specific words that they cannot imagine how things could be different?

I've heard from my former Master. I don't really want to go back to him, but I wonder if everyone here is the same in the end. Those that are real at all, that is. He taught me things and he opened my eyes to new experiences, but in the end I didn't love him. I wonder if perhaps I should give it another try, to see if I can learn to love him. He loved me, you see, and perhaps I should have settled for that. Perhaps my standards are too high. I don't know. The man I referred to in my previous entry was very forthcoming about some of his past, which I appreciate a great deal, but I still have many questions. Perhaps I am just being too impatient. I yearn to relax from my work into the arms of a man. Or, rather, not into a man's arms but into his cuffs and to yield to his demands. I need that release and to be allowed to be that other woman who is currently alone and begging for release. I write this from work and I shouldn't, but thoughts and questions and longing swirl within my head and make it hard to concentrate. Perhaps by placing them here I can crawl back into my proper self and get back to work.

I have made contact with another creative soul. It is early and tentative, but he is clearly literate and educated, which are certainly attributes that are necessary, albeit not sufficient, for something greater than mere pleasure. I have, however, had disappointments before and I will take it slowly with him and the couple of other possibilities. Someone who revels in creating beauty is most appealing, I must say.

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