The D/s relationship is comprised of a Dominate and a submissive and is a union of the
two for mutual pleasure, caring and enjoyment. It is not, however, merely a sexual
relationship, for the Dominate and submissive will share feelings, thoughts and their
lives. The relationship is often filled with love and, in some relationships, the two will
almost seem to function as a single unit with the Dominate leading and the submissive
following.
Trust
As in any relationship, trust is vital. However, in D/s relationships, the level of
trust is much higher, for the trust is tested more often. Limits must be honored, safe
words adhered to. Trust, like respect, cannot be demanded, by either the Dominate or
submissive, and, in a good relationship, the trust will deepen as the relationship grows.
If damaged in any way, trust is almost impossible to regain and the relationship has
almost no chance of survival. The submissive must trust that care will be taken, limits
not exceeded, and no harm will come. The Dominate must trust the submissive to
communicate, to be honest and open.
D/s as an Ongoing Relationship
In the initial stages of the relationship, the Dominate and submissive meet, feel an
attraction and enjoy talking to get to know each other as a friendship develops. Once it
is established that there is a mutual interest and desire, a trial relationship will
commence. Much like dating is in more traditional relationships, this is a time of getting
to know one another more thoroughly and seeing how well the Dominate and submissive fit
together.
If the fit is good, if the two are meeting each others needs, if both emotional and
physical pleasure is felt by both, if neither is seeking something more than the other
will be able to offer, the relationship will be formalized. The Dominate will claim the
submissive and the submissive will accept the Dominate as Master or Mistress. By doing so,
the submissive gives himself or herself to the Dominate, and the Dominate accepts the gift
as something precious. As living together is in traditional relationships, the formalized
relationship is a sign of commitment to each other.
Just as marriage often follows living together, collaring may follow the formalized
commitment; however, as many couples live together deeply committed to one another, so too
do many D/s couples have a formalized relationship without ever feeling the need for a
collaring. A collaring, like a marriage, is a step that is entered into with care and
thought, for the removal of a collar is as painful as a divorce.
People Growing in Love and Trust
By the time the couple has reached the formalized relationship, trust must be present
or the relationship cannot function properly. As the two grow closer together and learn
more about each other, trust and affection grow and love may develop. Over time and with
care and tenderness, the trust reaches an incredible level until it is an absolute trust
in the other, the affection deepens and love, if it is present, will grow and mature in
depth and magnitude.
THE PARTICIPANTS
The Dominate
A Dominate is not a cruel, abusive person. A Dominate is a person who desires to
exercise loving control over the consenting submissive for the sake of mutual pleasure.
Before a Dominate can control a submissive, the Dominate must first learn to control
himself or herself. Patiently the Dominate seeks to control the actions of the submissive,
helping to shape and mold until ultimately the Dominate facilitates the submissive to
achieve his or her fantasies by guiding and seeking that which the submissive desires
through learning, discovery and love.
The submissive
A submissive is not a door mat, or someone who seeks to be abused. Usually intelligent
and independent, a submissive seeks to surrender power and control to a Dominate through
the gift of submission. By obeying and giving pleasure to a Dominate, the submissive
receives extreme pleasure and satisfaction. Without questioning, by relying on trust of
the Dominate, the submissive gives control to the Dominate who will lead the submissive to
realize his or her innermost fantasies.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR NEEDS
submission usually appeals to a woman who is mature enough to understand that intimacy
is not physical but mental and emotional, who understands the difference between power and
strength and is strong enough to be able to reveal to the right man her vulnerabilities,
weaknesses and insecurities so he can accept, cherish and protect them.
Since the Dominate has the power, he has responsibilities to the submissive. These
include giving her pleasure, knowing and doing what makes her happy, prodding her to be
her best, helping her reach HER goals and dreams, etc. He does not try to shape her in his
own preconceived image of what she should be, but instead helps her blossom into the
complete and wonderful person that she is. He knows what is her best, what she wants, what
is best for her because they have totally open and honest communications. The Dominate
should respect the submissive's advice and point of view, but the decision is his. This
assumes the Dominate makes decision not based on ego or emotions, but logically figures
out what is the best decision. If the Dominate does something that hurts the submissive,
she should be able to tell him in an informative manner, not an attacking manner. The
Dominate will also tell the submissive how he feels about her actions in an non attacking
manner. For the relationship to work, both sides must respect the other to not attack and
also to trust enough not to assume an attack. That right there, which is a form of a break
down in communication, is what causes the most problems in relationships. The Dominate
should be secure and strong enough to admit when he makes mistake. Dominates are not gods,
they will make mistakes, but once again if the basic assumption is that there is respect
and trust on both sides then the mistake will be an honest one. Dominates control not by
fear, but by building desire in the submissive to obey. Essentially, Dominates have the
power and they use it to make the life of the submissive more complete, happy, not to
abuse them.
In reality the way it works is that the Dominate acts more as a discussion leader then
an arbitrary decision maker. By leading the submissive through a balanced discussion,
including parts of the issue that the submissive may be unwilling to face, then the
submissive can make the right decision for herself. Usually the Dominate, because he knows
his submissive so well (due to the open and honest relationship and the intense intimacy
that it brings), can often see things that the submissive cannot or will not admit. Once
the submissive makes the decision, the Dominate supports her, and possibly helps her stay
"motivated" in implementing the decision.
The submissive should obey her Dominate and strive to please him it is this that
motivates the submissive happy (assuming she trusts and respects him). Thus the submissive
is motivated to do what she should do by two reasons: first it is what she wants to do,
and because it will please her Dominate. Because there is open communication, if the
submissive has a problem (either what her Dominate says or anything else she tells him)
she should feel free in telling the Dominate her opinion and thoughts, but trust in him to
make a fair decision.
Most submissives start out with what could be called split personalities, a somewhat
Dominate, commanding persona and a submissive little girl persona which she hides. A good
Dominate first builds the environment where the submissive can let out the hidden persona
and feel safe doing so. It enables the submissive to explore herself, her desires and
fantasies. Because the Dominate accepts ALL of the submissive, she should gain strength in
her hidden persona, not look at it as a flaw or weakness. This is the key to the D/s
relationship: acceptance. In a battle of wills, you do not accept, you fight to win. If
someone exposes a weakness, you exploit it for victory. Thus, both partners feel insecure
because they have a "secret" persona that one hides and feels threatened.
The key to all of this, as it is in any relationship, is communication both ways. The
openness in a D/s relationship is what is missing in most marriages. For one thing,
openness, by constantly expressing your thoughts and feelings in a non attacking manner to
a partner who is concerned with them, builds intimacy of the mind. Mental intimacy is much
more powerful in bonding then physical intimacy. That is why cyber/long distance
relationships can be so intense and go so fast, because all you do is communicate, with
occasional physical meetings.
Unfortunately in most relationships, because there is a battle of wills, one does not
want to open up completely for fear of giving something the other side can use against
you. Thus as the battle continues, communication and openness drops.
People often confuse a D/s relationship with a controlling one. This is a relationship
where one partner controls just to have control and is not concerned with the partner's
welfare and generally is so insecure he will demonstrate control over everything thereby
controlling through fear. The other partner meekly obeys out of fear, either with or
without physical abuse. The partner's spirit is broken and will often do things behind the
controller's back. Many think this is what occurs in a D/s relationship. Far from a
controller, a Dominate builds desire to obey as opposed to fear and a submissive obeys out
of pleasure rather than from fear. In this way, partners in a D/s relationship get back
much more then they put in.
A D/s relationship is a circle where both sides concentrate on meeting the needs and
desires of the other from their different roles. If one gets pleasure out of pleasing a
partner, and that is true of both sides, then the relationship is built on one will, not
two and the conflicts (assuming as always, that you have picked the right partner) will be
minimal. The relationship will provide you the benefit of having someone you can be TRULY
(mentally) intimate with, and gain strength from exposing your perceived weaknesses and
having your weaknesses nurtured and cared for and turned into strengths. It is not about
control, it is about communication and mental intimacy.
The Dominate paradox is the more the Dominate concentrates on controlling, the less he
will control. Therefore, he needs to concentrate on building desire for that is how he
should control. He makes the desire so strong the submissive will do anything to please
and obey. The Dominate therefore has to meet the needs, desires, pleasures of the
submissive just as the submissive is doing for the Dominate creating a dynamic circle.
The submissive paradox is the more she indirectly controls by communicating her needs,
desires, pleasures, the more control of directing she loses and the more freedom she ends
up gaining, thereby creating another dynamic circle.
