sub2slave4You

Male Submissive, 41

Male Submissive, 52, crooks, South Dakota

Male Submissive, 21, Daytona Beach, Florida

A dominant's profile asked why a person wants to be a slave in a female-led relationship.  Her question was not judgmental; after all, She wants a slave.  But as part of getting to know and really understand Her slave, She wanted to know Her would-be slave's explanation.i thought it was an insightful question and i want my would-be Owner Domme to get a feel from my profile on whether i might be fit to serve in a slave husband type role. Here's my response to Her question. i believe that there is no explanation for why someone wants to serve as Her slave.  For the same reason that there is no explanation for why some men are attracted to women, some to other men, and some to both.  [In fact, i'm not being precise here, because i understand that Facebook has identified about 50 sexual 'types.']  But the point is that none of us made some analytical choice on their sexual preference.  Instead, it is what it is.  And so it is with dominants and submissives and slaves. But given what it is for me i have thought about why i would be willing to embrace the goal of becoming Her slave. Not an explanation of why i am a would-be slave (i say 'would e' because, the saying goes, you aren't a slave until you're owned) but instead an explanation of why it so deeply resonates with me.  Existentially.  So this journal entry is what the left side of my brain has come up with for why the right side of my brain needs me to become a slave to Her. Remember that the right side of the brain does not have words to explain itself.  It just is.  But we think in words, with our left side of the brain, and here's what my left side thinks about, conjectures about, the D/s orientation of the right side of my brain. [Or maybe better to say my mind-body because neuroscience has shown that other parts of our body (in our gastrointestinal tract) we actually create molecules of thought.] And a note on the word 'slave.'  It conjures up many negative reactions, and properly so given the history of slavery in the U.S., but also in other countries, even today.  But in a D/s relationship i see 'slave' as just one end on the continuum of submission.  Being a slave means that i will never say 'no' to my Mistress/Owner Domme (whatever term You prefer).  Some people find this insane.  What if She asks you to do . . .  this . . . or that ['extreme thing']?  Well, i wouldn't surrender to a nutty woman.  After all, as the saying goes, choosing Your mistress is the last decision a slave makes -- so be careful. Some see a slave as a 'gimp' type slave or someone mindless, and i'm not defining 'slave' in that way, but instead as someone who would never say 'no' to my Owner Domme, someone who would always be open to what She wants me to do, and more than open but obedient. Some also see the term slave purely as 'servant' but I'm not using the word that way. i make clear that i'm looking for vanilla and D/s components for a 'whole' relationship. This is not to say that i might one day not be surprised by what i am asked to do.  But i would understand that while it might seem 'extreme' to me it probably is something that is good for me, good for the relationship, good for Her, or all three. i need to trust that, and must have had that trust to have surrendered to Her.  Otherwise, if She has to get my approval for the things She wants me to do -- so i would in effect have an unlimited veto power -- then it seems that I am in effect leading the relationship, just indirectly.  So, for me, being Her slave means that i started as a sub with Her (however briefly in a Level 3 FLR) and as that trust was developed there came a time when i surrendered the sub's ability to have limits, and so i would become Her slave.  My life becomes totally in service to Her, in devotion to Her, of putting Her first.  And by so doing it is a life of purpose, of passion and of love. While for the slave it might seem selfless on the outside, it is in a way selfish on the inside also, because it is what i want, need, to serve Her. It is not correct in my view to say that the slave does not get what he wants. i might not always like or want some of the specific things i am asked to do (like taking out the garbage -- maybe a bad example because this is a hard limit for me  (OK just kidding)  -- i might not like the means of what She thinks is best, but i want the end of serving Her -- which gives me a life full of purpose, of passion and of love.  So it is a selflessness that feeds my own soul, a selfish selflessness. i do not deny it. And without that inner need that is quenched by such endless devotion such a relationship would be no more than kink, a scene, a fantasy. So by agreeing to become Her slave i have chosen to give up my power to say 'no.'  To Her.  And by so doing i feel the Domme is unleashed from having to get Her sub's permission and can focus on what She really wants, what She thinks is best. As a result i believe She will grow in Her dominance but also just grow in every way.  And because there is no Dominance without submission, and no submission without Dominance, i trust that in this relationship in which She grows, i also grow.  We grow together, even if on different tracks. So being Her slave represents three things on the 'why' for me. First, the intimacy. Just to admit to someone that you are a submissive or would-be slave (or a dominant for that matter) is a confession of breaking society's norms. Most of us are not open about our D/s orientation in public.  So, simply to assert your D/s orientation to someone is an act of trust, and ultimately, in a relationship, of intimately revealing Your deepest desires and needs.  Or at  least your current understanding of them.  So you're sharing how your mind works, how your heart works, and how your body and spirit work.  Intimacy. So each Dominant and each would-be slave each reveal themselves, confess, not only in words but also in actions and reactions, and reactions to reactions, and on and on. My need to please Her however She chooses to be pleased and Her desire to utterly control me are part of that intimacy.  These confessions are in our eyes and in our screams, as well as in Your words and in my service. So the desire for each the 'D' and the 's' is to understand the other at all levels of being -- the intellectual, the emotional, the physical, the heartfelt and the soulful. That ineffable looks in the eyes of the 'D' and of the 's' speak in a new language. Intimacy. It's intimate not only in this communication of our deepest thoughts and feelings -- hiding nothing -- but it's intimate in physical ways and often sexual ways (even if not penile intercourse perhaps).  And it's intimate in this power exchange, the mindfuck involved in that, and the surrender of the ego even as i would get to see inside my Owner Domme's deepest desires and also my ego's reaction and the exercise of my will to gradually substitute Her will for my own.  Surrender of the ego.  Understanding our shadow side.  It is a spiritual journey, and profoundly intimate. And this journey leads to great personal growth, which is the second reason why i so embrace the idea of becoming Her slave. The 'D/s' relationship plumbs the depths of ourselves, our rivers and valleys that continue to evolve, meander and grow. [My poetic stab]  And this growth really does happen because in this kind of relationship the learning is not solely based on discussion.  Words. Instead there are also actions . . . and reactions, those ineffable reactions.  So, like scientists the 'D' experiments to see how Her actions affect his reactions.  This is the 'work' that She does.  The fundamental, core work She does as She leads the relationship.  She is the explorer, She is always moving ahead taking into account so many considerations a quantum computer couldn't figure it out. And the question is who in the relationship is best suited for this complex task. i hope it would not be controversial to say that if you look at men and women in the same 'constellation' of similar attributes (intelligence, presence, energy . . .) that women would generally --  maybe mostly always? --  have the higher emotional quotient (EQ).  Whatever ability the man might have to a greater degree than the particular woman, the woman leader in an FLR can simply ask the man for his input.  No leader does all the thinking; you play to people's strengths.  You might say, 'Well, the man -- if he were leading the relationship -- could similarly just ask the woman in those areas where Her greater EQ would help make the right choice.  And my sense is that the EQ of truly dominant women is extraordinary. Of course the man would likely not ask in areas of emotional intelligence; after all, most men won't ask for directions. Seriously, though, people give off all sorts of reactions, consciously and unconsciously. The woman, especially the dominant woman -- again one in the same 'constellation' of qualities -- is likely to notice in real time these subtle reactions, these 'tells' that the man is more likely to miss, or at least not see as clearly.  And the 'mood,' the presence, the ' what's in the air' spirit of the other is more likely noticed -- and responded to, in the moment -- by the woman. So because the woman will generally have the higher EQ, and maybe also spiritual EQ, it's sensible that She lead the relationship. But it's more than that, isn't it?  Women have their femininity, their ability to give life itself that socially has historically put many women in the 'cat's bird seat.'  Men pursue women generally, and in the mating game of life it's the female, that generally has the power.   At least at the beginning of the vanilla relationship.  Once the mate is selected most women give up the power that was so arousing and exciting at the start.  The dominant woman does not give up that power, ever. Instead, She exercises it, and like a muscle it grows. So She gets good, very good, great with years of practice, of exercising Her will -- of discovering Her will, exercising it and getting what She wants in Her life. To serve such a woman, be part of Her life, Her will, is a rare privilege. The submissive or slave has a will too.  Many want to 'be taken,' to 'be forced' -- in other words, to surrender their will to Her.  Indeed this is an erotic 'scene.'  But for me a slave exercises his will to submit to Hers. he chooses to submit to Her, to surrender to Her, and he continually exercises his will to submit to Her.  To be sure, the dominant woman facilitates his continual surrender by means of Her own choosing but since slavery is really illegal his slavery is something he continually chooses to exercise his will, to give to Her. And in those continual surrenders, in that life practice, his Owner Domme is unleashed and both grow -- under Her leadership and control. And this is the personal growth that both slave and Owner offer each other.   Finally a TPE D/s FLR offers love and, for mr, passion and purpose in life. Love? Is it the romantic love of the movies?  Not quite.  Instead it's far more.  Our right brain feels it; our left brain struggles to find the words to describe it.  Whether i am her pet or Her valiant knight, Her slut or Her slave worker there is for the slave a love in his devotion. Serving Her becomes his purpose, my purpose in life.  It fulfills me.  It is a passion of the soul.   Why is this so surprising? Many cultures have forever glorified the person who gave the full measure of their devotion to someone or something outside themselves.  The scientist or businessman or even political leader totally devoted to an idea. The valiant knight, loyal to the Court and devoted to his Queen.  Saint Francis's devotion to the poor and a simple way of living. There is a clarity, such clarity in this devotion, and a passion of the soul.  All distractions, second doubts, 'what if's?' -- all dissolve into devotion to Her.  To those who would make judgments about such devotion, how many have that kind of clarity, purpose and passion in their own lives?  And remember that without the slave there is no Dominant, no Owner Domme. They need each other to exist at all.  And when they come to together it is like atomic fusion, like hydrogen coming together with oxygen to make water. i cannot speak for the Owner Domme but from my discussions with some of You, all speak of love they have for their slave(s), as it is such a rare gift the slave offers. It might not be a monogamous love for Her. She might still want or need what others offer Her, conventional love but it is love still.  Her love for Her slave might not look like a Hollywood movie, but it's love of another kind. Deep love, love at the core, in a relationship of total intimacy and continual growth. You know, as i write this, i realize that the key statement i make is that it is love of another kind.  It would be a mistake to say that it is far greater than Hollywood's version of Hollywood love.  It's just love of a different kind.  We've grown up with culture-reinforced notions of what love looks like.  Certainly when i grew up that was male-female romantic love.  To be sure that's one kind, but there are more, many more, right?  There's male-male, male-female, female-female, D/s, non-D/s, FLR with or without D/s, and combinations of all of the above (bisexual, for example), a continuum on all these things and probably many more (again, i've read that thinking of just two genders is not accurate).   So we look to examples of love we learned form society and we reach for analogies: Knight/Queen, Goddess/minion, Owner/property, Domme/slave-sub, puppy type relationships and on and on.  We reach for analogies, some vision of what the relationship 'should' look like.  Yet it is love of its own kind. It is a kind of love, a kind of relationship that we each need to create on our own.  And so some experimentation is needed so that the two principals can create the kind of relationship, the kind of love they wish to create.  Being a slave creates an open canvass for the Dominant, to create the relationship She wants to create -- a moving target and an individual target for Her but based on the unique qualities of Her and Her slave. And my proposition here is that what She creates, what She can create with me is a relationship of intimacy, personal growth, purpose and love.  A relationship, a life, of Her own creation -- the ultimate 'work' of life. THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. Please don't hesitate to write me if you have suggestions or questions.

On my Use of 'i' and "You" Some people feel that this usage is silly.  Others think that it conveys respect and an attention to detail.   i opted to use the convention just because it is a little more difficult to do so.

The Continuum of Sub . . . Sub without Limits/Slave . . . Property   i think we sometimes get confused by the words we use. i suppose that 'slave' once came into the BDSM world as too many subs expressed too many limits. That meant that the subs were calling the shots and weren't truly subs at all. Further, the absence of limits 'unleashes' the Domme, pleases Her, and saves Her the time and hassle of negotiating limits. So at some point the idea arose of a sub without limits. That sounded like a 'slave', the name caught on. Maybe a particular sub without limits is a slave. But maybe not.There is a difference potentially between a sub without limits and a slave in the sense that slave is sometimes used in the sense of property. Profiles i read here often describe slaves as property, as gimp-like characters. When i use the term slave, despite the emotional lure in the word 'slave' that's not my intention but instead my intention is that of the sub without limits, and with the slave's heart to please, obey, serve and be used without limits but within a relationship. For me the sense of 'relationship' feels missing from the term 'slave' but i use it nonetheless. Perhaps the term 'property' could be seen as a slave without a relationship.   For example, there is a profile on this site (Germany) of a mistress whose slave does daily chores, then retires to a dungeon-type room, eating out of a bowl and consuming its pee and poop daily, and, so the profile claims, has been doing so for the last ten years. So that arrangement, which She calls a slave relationship, sounds to me one that could also be called purely property status. So, i'm not looking for that. For me one virtue of the term 'slave' is its utter clarity. Clearly slavery entails no limits. That is crystal.   For me 'slave' means: Honesty, respect, enthusiastic obedience No limits -- i cannot say 'no' to Her, for if i say 'no' once, why not twice? Why not . . . whenever? Truly saying 'no' is a slip off the slope to a relationship that is no longer M/s. Devoted, loving service -- actions -- to make Her life easier and more comfortable; service that has the quality of a loving meditation, of a musical composition with slower and faster movements, endless variations on the theme of worshipful devotion, love and service Control and direction as my life becomes entirely organized to serve Her Her satisfaction, pleasure, happiness to become my satisfaction, pleasure and happiness. Operating from my core, with the deepest, existential need to serve and please . . . Her Does that make sense to You? Of course, i'm not saying that my view is 'correct' or 'etched in stone.' It's just the view i have coming into the relationship.  With Your guidance and training, i am sure that my views and i will evolve.

Male Dominant, 32

Female Submissive, 43, Anderson, South Carolina

Female Submissive, 23, bakersfield, California

Male Submissive, 57, Los Angeles, California

Female Submissive, 47, Jeffersonville, Indiana

Female Switch, 52, Monmouth County, New Jersey

Transgender Submissive, 49

Male Submissive, 55, Duncanville, Texas

Female Submissive, 21, modesto, California

Female Submissive, 38, st louis, Missouri

Male Submissive, 46, melbourne

Male Submissive, 40, birmingham, Alabama