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I have been in a submissive relationship in one capacity or another for 15 years. I have experienced a great number of things and now seek others to share that experience with. Ideally, I would like to be able to expand my limits while bringing pleasure to the One I serve. Initially, email and chat are a good way to get to know one another, and from there, who knows?
On Earth, I believe that I am here to live this life to its fullest capacity. I try not to be limited by fear and I try to squeeze every drop out of life. In doing this, I hope to develop to my fullest potential as well as making my world, and the worlds of the people in my life a better place to be.
So why am I am here? To meet other like-minded people who live within a BDSM lifestyle. I am located in an area that is primarily newly wed and nearly dead, as well as being fairly conservative and buttoned down, so friends and prospective play partners are welcome to contact me.
I am a person with multiple personalities. Not in a bad way, but I like variety. On any given day, I can be deep and contemplative or I can be playfully pushing the limits. I laugh at myself, my life and everything in between. I am loving and kind and I'd give someone the shirt off my back if it could help them. I guess I live by the cliché - I live to serve...and by my service - I bring happiness to those around me.
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After a While
Author Unknown
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
You learn that love doesn't mean security,
you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and eyes open
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
so you plant your garden and
decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
You learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
You really do have worth,
And you learn...and learn
With every good-bye...
you learn. |
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Ok, I’ve been very silent of late. Too much drama going on for me to get to the things that I really enjoy doing…so I’m now ignoring the drama *which isn’t my drama* and focusing on the things I need to do for me. And along those lines, I was catching up on correspondence that has been building up, and I find this email. And so I go look at the profile of the person who sent me the email, and I find this statement that so captures my attention about how bondage can bring someone into a place of comfort that is difficult to find in any other place. And being a thinker, I started thinking about the whole Dominance/bondage/control thing.
Me? I’m a submissive. Inside and outside. I have both the ability and the capacity to take control - of myself, and of others. I can top someone else…but I’m not a Dominant. I take pleasure out of the act of serving in and of itself. I suppose that’s why when I’m unsettled, you could eat off my floor. But what makes me a submissive, what brings me to that place of where I am safe, secure and content is being in the bonds of someone else…be they physical ropes or mental ropes. When I feel that control, I find a secret and safe place that has no other point of entry.
That place, while not the goal of my submission, is the icing on the cake that is my life when I have someone that actively takes control and chooses the direction that I am taking. Of course, the process of finding One who can do that is often times long and difficult. But it is a journey that has been well worth the travel. |
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This week, I made a new friend here on collarme, and as a result of our conversations, I’ve found myself in a reflective place. That reflective space was further enhanced by the sheer number of people that want to write without reading my profile or my journals or who have read either or and choose to disrespect my current status by continuously making offers. And I can’t help but compare the online community to the real life community that I was a part of back in the beginning of my journey.
To begin with, I started in BDSM before the internet was in most households and before BDSM was as mainstreamed as it is now. Black Rose was in it’s infancy stages and things were just different. And before I get a ton of email extolling all the virtues of the internet, let me clarify and say that the internet has done wonders for making it possible to meet people of like mind and heart. I have many friends here, some of the best people I’ve had the privilege of knowing were met on line before we went to face to face meetings, telephone, etc. So this is not a rant about the evils of the net. However, as with anything else, just as there are many positives about something, there are also negatives. And this is more about my current frustration with the negatives than the medium of the internet itself.
RESPECT: I’ve noticed a general lack of respect lately. Not that some disrespect wasn’t always there, but for some reason, it’s been in my face types of disrespect. The last two or three women we’ve talked to have tried to break up my family, have wanted to be the ‘primary’ relationship or say they are good with couples only to try and get a mono relationship out of the deal. Richard and I didn’t take the easy road to where we are now. We went through some rough times, tight spaces and we worked hard to cement our relationship. At the time, I can remember thinking “why did it have to go this way?” but now, I see the benefits to having done it that way. Our communication is A+++++. There is little we don’t talk about. So when someone starts to play their games with our relationship, we tend to discuss it, identify what’s going on and move on. But in the process of getting to know someone, there are feelings, hopes and dreams that get hurt, damaged and dashed. There is also a time investment that takes away from our time together, our life together, and leisure time in real life that could be spent doing other things that turns out to be a waste and can lead to other opportunities being missed. I tend to think of these game players as the epitome of selfishness as they want what they want and care little for the damage done in their wake. They care not if they damage or disillusion others, care not if they damage a relationship. All they think about is what they want.
The same can be said of Doms and other couples who contact those who are in relationship and attempt to entice them away, caring only that they want a particular sub to focus on him to explore whether or not he can have what he wants, and all too often, promises far more than he can deliver just to get a lottery ticket chance at a relationship, often without thought to the submissive as a person. In some ways, this can be easier because any movement in that direction is likely to break off a relationship. But repeatedly getting the ‘I just wanna be friends’ gets old when several weeks later, the pitch comes to leave what I have to have something that looks different. Fortunately, I have no complaints and I have little desire to have things look different.
And I can’t say that it only happens online. Last time I went to a munch, it happened as well. Despite very clear introductions *“I am Richie. I am a Dominant. This is tessa. She is MINE!”* one of the wonder doms in the room couldn’t seem to help but make not-veiled hints that I should be playing with him. At least in the group I was trained by, this would not have happened because it would not have been tolerated. Approaching an owned submissive got you bounced for a period of time from the group…repeated offenses resulted in a permanent bounce.
Then there is all of this judgmental crap…you are poly?!? Whatsamatter with you anyway? Low self esteem? Think you don’t deserve your own? BTW did you know that makes you a bad mother? Poly?!? That’s just legalized cheating. Back when I started, we were just grateful to know that we weren’t crazy after all…that others shared our wants, needs, desires to be worried about the different ways of putting BDSM into practice in our private lives.
There was also none of this marketing crap…listing things like being bi-sexual, open to couples, any age, appearance doesn’t matter when in fact this is only a partial truth if not a total lie. I can’t begin to tell you how many list that they are actively seeking couples only to have that actively seeking couples person make a bid for a mono relationship with one or the other of us. Back then, you had mentors and trainers that helped you clarify who and what you were, what you could and couldn’t do, what limits could be pushed and what couldn’t. Those same mentors and trainers were your references who would spell out these things to a potential partner just in case you failed to do so. Tended to keep things very honest.
All too often today, many have gotten away from mentoring and training. Doms practice things they are interested in on submissives without training…nothing like trying a bullwhip on someone for the first time. That creates damage that didn’t need to be there in the first place. Submissives list things they are ‘willing to do, like to do’ when they’ve never tried it. Often times, the fantasy of doing something bears no resemblance to the reality of doing something. In addition to that, the practice of BDSM often flies contrary to socialized acceptability. And that can create confusion, mood swings, relationship break downs, because there just isn’t someone else there whose been there and done that to help walk us through.
As my new friend posted in her journal…God forbid we have some standards…you know…like please be honest in what you want, what you are looking for, what you need…and if things change, please alert us. God forbid we ask that you explore with us as friends to determine if there is compatibility. And God forbid that we protect our relationship from damage so that we keep intact that which has become so very essential to who and what we are. “Waddya mean we can’t play after I meet you for coffee to make sure you’re not Jeffery Dohmer?”*
We are looking to build a relationship with someone. A safe, secure, long-term committed relationship that will stand the test of time. We want to find our soul mate. We want someone who will learn to walk in all that she is, safely, confidently, offering it all…allowing us to walk freely in who and what we are. That kind of relationship doesn’t happen on the first date, in the first week and sometimes not in the first several months. It takes time. Time that we are willing to invest. Time that we are willing to spend. Time that takes away from what we could be doing together…cuz lets face it…there are times, I’d just prefer to snuggle up on the bed and veg out watching tv. But we both desire to have someone else to share our journey with, and so we give up that time looking for her.
Sometimes, it feels like we will never find her. Other times I feel like, why bother? But yet that need to have another to share with, invest in, the hopes and dreams for the future is always there, pushing for me to give it one more try. And hopefully, the reward for the hours will pay off  |
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Duplicate entry from 12-26
Concept of the day: Polyfidelity
The question often arises as Richard and I get to know others questions about how we can say we are monogamous, yet be seeking a poly-family. For many, this just does not go together. So, it occurs to me to attempt an explanation of how it will work in our home.
Monogamous tends to refer to having one person for a specific period of time, usually the length of the relationship. As I have often pointed out, this monogamy tends to refer to sexuality rather than emotional, spiritual and mental sharing. Most healthy relationships are not about two people. It tends to be two people along with their friends and family. When a couple has an argument, they turn to those counted as friends and family for guidance, support, just someone to bitch to. While a person may go home to get their physical needs met, they often turn other places to meet emotional, spiritual and intellectual needs.
As anyone probably knows, relationships, be it romantic, friendship, family, etc, require resources. Resources of time, of emotional energy, sometimes finances, that go into building strong and healthy relationships. Let’s face it, how good is your friendship if you spend little time together? If you do not invest in one another. If you can not make the time when they are down, or if they can not find time when you are down? Sexuality may or may not be a part of those other relationships. But sexuality is a small piece of most monogamous relationships.
Implicit in monogamy are concepts such as fidelity, loyalty and devotion to another in a special relationship. Fidelity is adhering to promises made. Loyalty renounces the temptations that would bring us to betray those promises. Devotion is the level of commitment we bring to those special relationships. For example, your best friend shares a secret. Implicit, whether it is asked for or not, is an expectation that the secret that has been shared will not be shared with others. It may be a very ‘juicy’ secret. Sharing it may give you the lime light, may buy you favors from others, may even get you something that you want to have…but if you are truly committed, truly loyal and are truly devoted to that friendship, you don’t expose that secret.
Also implicit in monogamy is the concept of sticking it out for the long term. When problems occur, do you run to your hairdresser, bartender, waitress *and yes, I’ve done the bartender/waitress thing and you would not believe how much marital counseling I did while serving food/drink* or do you bring it to the table, to the people who are involved and try to work out that problem? When you are devoted, committed, loyal, you don’t take betray your special friendships/partnerships. You stick it out and work it out so that you can stay together. Why is that?
Because stepping outside the family presents risks, not just for the person stepping out, but really for the members of the family as well. In stepping out sexually, you have the disease concept. Step out and catch something, you end up bringing it home and sharing that with your family. And in this day and age, not everything that you catch is curable. So in turning outside of the family to scratch a physical itch places the entire family at risk.
Take resources. When you step outside the family, you are cutting short the resources that are available to those in your family. There is less time to deal with things that come up. There is less time to share yourself. There is less time to grow and bond. There is less energy to fully invest yourself in the family. Someone in the family has a crisis going on, but you’ve been dealing with your best friend all day who’s marriage is in a crisis and you are just not going to have 100% to invest in your family.
Take handling problems. Have a relationship outside of the family and that relationship goes bad, there is hurt, issues, hard feelings, and usually damage that needs to be cleaned up, which, back to resources, pulls away from the family. Take problems you are having outside your family, usually to others who do not understand poly usually leads to a recommendation to get the heck out of that relationship. It also colors how those people then view you and your family in the future.
There is strength in knowing that when you get home after one of ‘those’ days, knowing that someone in that home will be able to give you that room to vent, be supportive, or just bitch with you. There is harmony in knowing when you get into conflict with someone, that there is another who has shared that ~exact~ problem and can fully be with you in the moment. There is comfort in knowing that when you present a problem, rarely will that other person need more information. Because she is there, living it with you and can concentrate on the problem with a minimum of questioning. And because there is a commitment, a loyalty, a devotion to the family, you rarely get the glib answer of ‘don’t like it? Find something else’ that you get often when you go to a friend or family member on the outside. There is also an assurance that your someone special is never too busy, too tired, too anything to be there with you in the moment. And you know that because that is the level of commitment you bring to and receive from the table. That you come first and foremost. That you can count on the family. That you are safe, secure, wanted, loved.
There is security in knowing that there is a safe place to land. A place where you are investing and being invested in. A place where you are nurtured and allowed to nurture. A place where you can go where you are safe to be all that you can be. A place where your needs are met in love, and where you do not have to worry about your wants, needs, issues might be used against you. That kind of security only comes when the focus is on the family unit. Where you are monogamous to those people who choose to be in that family with you. While many practice open poly, we choose to build something different. And that something different requires a closed, monogamous relationship, involving a finite number of people. Because the commitment, loyalty, devotion between family members has to be present as a foundational building block to build. |
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Duplicate entry from 12/4:
Here is no surprise. Tessa belongs to a number of groups, forums, blogs and web sites and she participates in any one of a number of discussion threads on a given day. And one of the topics for today brought about some interesting comments and some interesting thoughts in Tessa’s strange mind…so thought I’d develop my thinking a bit more just for the fun of it. So today’s discussion was the difference between submission and surrender, which is being cross posted everywhere to see what others may or may not think about the subject…and without further adieu:
I think that in some ways, the difference can be a simply semantic one, if we choose to allow it to remain in that place...but in other ways, I think there is a very important distinction, one that mirrors what I term the ‘progression’. I often say that I start off as a submissive *and not a very submissive sub at that*…if and when the relationship begins to progress, I begin to submit to a higher degree…giving up more control. Ultimately, I will end up somewhere near a 24/7 TPE if the relationship allows me to develop that degree of trust and honesty with myself and with my Dominant.
That being said, I can submit to the will of a Dominant without surrendering. In the case of submitting, I am simply yielding to the will…allowing myself to be persuaded, ordered, lead into a direction that I may or may not have chosen to go on my own…I may or may not question the direction I am being lead in. In this case, He can tell me to do something, and I can argue, plead, discuss, do it and later come back at it from another angle. I don’t generally look at this as topping from the bottom…it might be testing the limits to ensure I am safe…and it might just simply be an expression of lack of trust in a given area that needs to be talked about. It might be issues from the past that I am having trouble letting go of or getting over…and it just may mean that this time I am willing to do something and next time, I might not be. Course, it can also be an invitation to take control in an area for the first time, to try that area on and determine if it ‘fits’ with who I am and where I am going/being lead.
At some point, when I start to surrender, I am giving myself over…allowing myself to be changed, so that his wants become mine…his visions become mine…that I become his. In a state of surrender, there is not questioning, no fighting his lead, no question, at least in my mind, if this is the direction I wish to be going in. As the relationship develops, I begin to go through a molding…a period of time in which I begin to give up what I want, what I need, my goals, my hopes, my dreams, my plans for the future, and allow myself to be in a position where I had all of those things over to my Other…to become what he wants me to become…to go where he wants me to go…to be in a state of being that allows him to take all of me and change me in places that bring him more pleasure, more satisfaction.
Another way that I tend to think about it is in terms of choice…I can be made to submit. A look, a tone of voice, a tool from the tool box, and I can and will change my direction. I can be taken by the hand, or a handful of hair and made to do something, whether I want to or not…my body can be made to do what someone who has control wants it to do…but I can not be made to surrender. No one can make me think this, want that…no one can take my mind, unless I make a conscious choice to let it go, to give it over, to entrust it to another’s care and direction. Surrender is a choice that only I can make, and it is the most precious ‘gift’ I have to offer.
My own personal feeling comes from the saying that if you can capture the mind, the heart and body will follow. Yes, you can throw me down, and 'force me' *which, depending on the scene going on, can be very enjoyable*...but you can not make me kneel of my own free choice. And once my mind is captured...once I make that decision to surrender, whether I wear a collar or not, the ties that bind my service are hard to break, and hold me tighter than any bondage I've ever experienced.
So how do you capture the mind? I think its like an onion, at least for me…it is a progression…a series of steps, a journey if you will. I peel back a layer…communicate, share small areas, give small things. Provided that that step is honored, respected, reciprocated, it is not used against me, ignored, and those smaller areas are not abused, I can feel free to take the next step…and the process begins to repeat itself. And slowly, step by step, I move from simply submitting to the authority of my Dominant to surrendering to his will. And when you reach that place, that place where you kneel in complete surrender, you reach the place of beauty, that place of strength, that place of being where anything is possible…and in Tessa’s strange world, you have reached the place where you find that which you began looking for when you took that first step into the world of BDSM…a place of complete trust, complete unity, complete caring, complete support, a complete joining of one to another to make something new, unique and breath taking. |
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Duplicate entry from 11-30:
I tend to come from a place *and yes, Tessa’s world can be strange* in which monogamy tends to refer to sexual relationships…few can be emotionally or mentally monogamous…most of us have at least one other person, with whom we have a deep and intimate relationship with…for example:
I think of things kind of like this:
I have a best friend, who has always been there, through thick and thin…at 3am when things were going down the tubes, at 2pm when everything was right in my world…when the doubts of life dragged me down, when the successes in life took me to the top of the ferris wheel…when the hurts of life threatened to take me down and when the light of life made everything perfect…how could I not love him…for all of his ideas, his support, his friendship, all that he is, all that he has done? No matter what, he is in my corner, saying what needs to be said, offering what needs to be offered, caring when no one else did.
I have an SO who taps into my dreams, my hopes, who makes me feel love, cared for, protected…when I was scared, he gave me strength to see me through the day…when I was happy, he took my hand and celebrated with me, when the storms of life came, he sheltered me and when the rainbows came back, he stood in awe and watched. He gives of himself, he invests into me, cares about me, shelters me, gives to me, accepts me for who and what I am…allows me to invest into him, takes me for all of who and what I am and helps me to make it better…how could I not love him for all that he is?
And while I figure I painted a one sided picture of what they do for me, I can assure you, they receive as much if not more in return. How can we not mean something special, share something together that is unique, precious and special to us? How can you determine between the two who is more important? Who gives more? Who plays a more central role in my life? How can I minimize one by saying the other is more important? How can I limit one because of the other?
In a poly relationship, it isn’t about can you love more than one…because we all have best friends, lovers, supporters, parents, siblings, relations…and we love them all...in different ways, for different reasons. How do you minimize what you feel? How do you package it so that it is special for only ‘one’? How can you be fair and honest in being who and what you are when you limit what you feel for others? That to me is more a question than how can I love more than one.
That being said, I understand the confusion, because I’ve been there and done that…and it isn’t a simple concept to live with or to explain. I guess it is, for some, just accepting that you have a lot to give…accepting that no one person can be the be all and end all to another, no matter how much love, caring, concern may lay between you. There will always be areas that are not perfect…and there will always be at least one other in our lives that takes up the slack, be it a sexual relationship or a platonic one. |
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Duplicate entry from 11-22
Guess where I am having difficulty is trying to see how it all works. There are things I need and I just cannot see where it would be possible to make it work. If you can only have sex twice a day, how do you decide who gets it on which days? How do you ensure that everyone is getting equal time and attention in that way?
I believe I addressed this yesterday…needs n wants change. Its up to me to communicate what I need ~or~ to settle back n say, it’s really not about me…~I~ make the choice to either address it in conversation or choose to settle back and say ‘when he is in the mood, he will let me know. There is also conversation about that to ensure that He knows what I need/want…and that conversation is ongoing, so that He is up to date on what is going on with me. I tend to take my satisfaction from my partner’s pleasure. If He is happy, I am satisfied. That does not mean my needs go unmet, just means he meets them when he chooses to meet them, just like in other D/s relationships. And, sure there are parameters on that…times when there is just something I need in the moment to be OK…and it’s my job to decide if that need/want is more important than what He wants/needs…or if it is something I will make a request about and let him decide how/when/where He will meet that. Being a submissive, at its core essence is really about developing a relationship to the point where you can say…”I trust you with all I am…all I was…all I can be…I trust you to guide me, develop me, use me so that you are satisfied and so that I can find my satisfaction in what makes you happy’. BDSM works only when the submissive can trust her partner enough to let go of her wants n needs, trusting that He will meet her wants/needs…and He is focused on her…her growth, development, needs…she is important to him, cherished by him…and because of that caring, will do what is best for her…and because she trusts him, takes her security and sense of self from him can give herself over to his care. Sex is a part, an important part, but by far, not ~the~ most important part.
When you go out, who gets to hold your hand or walk arm and arm with you?
Not everyone wants the romance…so that also goes into factoring who gets what…some need that…some need more of that…some do not want/need that or want/need it less…this is not an exact science…but it works as long as everyone is honest about what they need, and engage in on going conversation about where they are at.
If he wanted to make someone feel special, for instance like flowers or some small present, what would he do? Bring a dozen or a small present for each?
Feeling special comes in a lot of forms…love is an action…caring is an action…do I get small presents, flowers, etc…does anyone get them all the time? No…does that mean that I don’t feel special? That use of a special pet name, or a touch, a look, a hundred other things don’t serve to make me feel special? Heck no. Flowers die…the words of the heart are burned on my mind forever…the special times, the special words, the special moments last a lifetime.
At the end of the day, who gets to sleep in the bed bed or does everyone go to their own beds?
Again, different people, different needs…I for one, have trouble sleeping…there are exactly 4 ways to fix that…therefore, do I want to be in bed with 3, 4, 5 other people? Maybe, maybe not…again…how well do the others sleep? How often do they get up? How much noise do they make? All of that goes into deciding who does what. At the end of the day, when you are doing the exploration, you talk about the wants and needs and try to structure the arrangements in ways that work for everyone…for example, two may need to be held close during the night…the compromise may be there is one on each side…with an understanding that if someone else needs/wants a turn, you give them their turn. For myself, sometimes I like to be held…sometimes I like to share my bed…sometimes, give me a dark room where nothing moves so I can sleep. It all depends.
What happens when you just need your man around and he is busy taking care of a need somewhere else?
A need is something that I have to have to remain alive and healthy…a crisis is something that has to happen NOW…Sometimes you have to wait…sometimes you have to communicate where you are at…but I can tell you that with the exception of one male friend *who happens to be one of my best friends*, I get far more support from other females than I’ll ever get from a guy…I am more likely to turn to my female friends to get my head clear and my emotions under control…once that happens, I will request time to talk to Richard about what is going on if it is something that He needs to know about, or something the family needs to know about.
How do you avoid women getting jealous? Can you avoid that when you are watching what is yours being intimate with someone else?
I have a different perspective on that…I do not own Richard…he does not belong to me…I have chosen to belong to Him…chosen to submit to him…those choices were based on a ton of soul searching, conversation and a lot of thinking…my well being is mine until I choose to give it over…ensuring that my needs get met is MY responsibility until such time as He/I develop to a point where a collar is involved…and acceptance of a collar means a number of things…one of those things is that I have learned through demonstration, that He meets my wants and needs to such an extent that I can give up worrying about meeting that myself.
How do the women know that the next one walking through the door won’t be a woman that he will love more than the others? What happens if he start loving one more than the others?
I’ve had that happen to me personally…so one of the things that I have watched, monitored and evaluated is whether He can keep me where I need to be when others are involved…not meeting my needs is a deal breaker for me in the beginning of a relationship…as I’ve said…my needs are my responsibility until I have the absolute trust that he can manage me and others as well, which he has done in the process of looking for a third. Now granted, things can always change…but I am reasonably certain that it is not something I have to worry about with Richard…that being said…submissives far outweigh the number of Doms…we are active in the local community…isn’t it just as likely that, through chat, email, munches, blogs, journals etc that ~I~ will meet someone else and be the one who chooses to leave? Or that the next woman walking through the door will be one that I want to keep to the exclusion of all else? This is a trust issue and it works both ways.
What happens as you grow older and are less able to perform HOH duties? Less able to have sex? What then?
In a traditional marriage model, this would be known as ‘for better or worse…till death do us part’…life happens…love is more than sex…love makes sex better…but it doesn’t make or break an otherwise healthy relationship. So what if he can’t perform to current standards? There are other things that, at least for me, are more important. I’m not going to leave him when he needs me the most cuz he can’t perform…couples deal with this issue every day…for different reasons…they don’t all break up n go their separate ways. And again, there are others around to see to those needs.
How does he determine who gets what sexual activities?
Being a submissive, He decides…He is aware of what I like…it is up to Him whether one of my ‘hot button’ activities will be used or not…its also up to me to address my concerns if I believe that my wants are not being met…granted, being a submissive, I’m not likely to ever do that…cuz I choose for it not to be about me…but regardless, there is a joint responsibility here. And it’s built on conversation n experience which leads to trusting that He will do what is in your best interest…there are things that I absolutely adore…that Rich and I have never done…do I miss those things? Yes…are those things important enough, in light of everything else to walk away? Hell NO! But I can look for another to join our family who can meet those needs. This would be true in a mono relationship as well. The Dom may or may not give the sub input into what activities they will engage in...the submissive may make a request, but ultimately, no matter how many are involved, it's the Dominants decision. |
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Duplicate entry from 11-21
How bout a home of your own?
As stated above…home is where the heart is…What I want is what the concept of home embodies to girls. A place where I am loved…a place where I am safe, accepted, nurtured, supported…a place where I play a vital role, where I can be who n what I am without having to worry about protecting myself from harm. A home is a spiritual thing for me…it can’t be purchased, doesn’t come with the warrantee on a building…it is in what those who choose to live in the building bring to the table. I have a home of my own. A place where I choose to take my rest, build my strength, give the best of who and what I am…a place where I am safe enough to define and support who and what I am…where who n what I am supports the others that belong there…it is a feeling of warmth n acceptance that can turn the most drab building into a place you want to be…and the absence of which can turn the most beautiful building into a cold place that is visually appealing, but leaves a feeling that something is missing…you can have the beautiful buildings devoid of the things that truly make a home…I’ve been there and done that…I’d rather have a paper tent parked in a place that I can get tossed from and have all the things that go into making a home.
And how does one man meet the needs of several different women?
I hate to answer a question with a question…but…how can ONE man meet the needs of ONE woman…the answer is, he can’t. By needs, I mean all of the mental, physical, sexual, emotional needs…as in you can get rid of your biological family, and your friends and be complete in that relationship all by itself. That isn’t ever going to happen. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Back to the model of the 1950’s…couples had extended families located close by that assisted in supporting the couple. Couples cannot support themselves without outside influences. There are always times when one part of the couple is feeling…down for whatever reason…may want cuddling, may want to talk, may need to feel heard, understood…may need to hear the words…and the other half had a bad day themselves and isn’t up to meeting that…different story when there are others around that you can turn to and have those needs met.
Let’s face it…no one understands a woman like another woman. How many arguments begin due to a lack of ‘understanding’? How many times do you hear from couples…’I needed him to…and he just didn’t get it’…how many times do you hear the complaint…I just wanted to be held n he rolled over n went to sleep…or from your guy friends…Long day, bad day and all she could do was whine that she wanted quality time…or wanted the garbage out…nag nag nag…that’s all she ever does. Eventually, you start to understand…no one can be the be all n end all to another. Hence, family.
No man can have sex 5 times a day every day.
I have a high sex drive...one of my more recent partners and I did marathons…10+ hours at a clip…once a month that is…no one, including me wants sex every day. Some days you can go 2, 3, 4, 5 times…other times, I can go days without missing it. Sex may be the hardest part to balance in a relationship such as ours…some will play with the female parts of the family…some won’t…how that gets resolved will be dependent on the actual composition of the family. There is little that another can do to me that I can’t do for myself…and that includes most forms of bondage…most forms of play.
Most of the time, I can even do it better…cuz I know exactly how to do it and make it feel exactly the way I want it to feel…It is no different than a couple…one wants it, the other isn’t in the mood…it’s a common area of conflict in a marriage…and in a poly family, there is discussion…and careful consideration is paid the needs n wants of each person involved. Basically, the libido factor should be part of the discussion in any relationship…its an important part…not the most important part of any relationship, but it is important. If, for whatever reason, the frequency isn’t where you want it to be, you engage in conversation as to what you’d like to see changing…just like in any other relationship. Some of it will be compromise…but my experience is that it’s rarely an issue because there are 2, 3, 4, 5 other people in the home to meet your needs in that area…so even if he isn’t up to it, someone else will be.
Time to talk?
Already addressed in other areas, but I will add that there are just things I’d prefer not to discuss with Richard…and at the moment, those things go to others, like my best friend…in time, I hope to have someone in my immediate family to share those things with…it was no different growing up…there were things I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to my parents about…but I did talk to my siblings, my friends, my friend’s parents…how is this any different? I also know that there are priorities…and if I go to Richard and say ‘I need to talk *or anything else for that matter*’ that he cares enough to make the time to see to those needs…so long as I don’t get confused between what I want and what I need.
Poly seems inequitable to me.
Inequitable based on traditional family models, if you expect the guy in your life to be your be all n end all, but not based on ours…no one gets marginalized…no one is less important and Richard doesn’t get more just cuz he’s the HOH…we all give n receive equally…even now while its he n me…yea, I do a lot of giving, changing, care taking…but I receive as much if not more from what he gives…that won’t change in the future…it will just be easier.
The man has the service, attention and devotion of many and the women all have to share. I don’t see where that can work.
The man has all the service? That’s kinda funny…most men can’t put up with one woman…let alone 2, 3, 4, 5 women. The family serves each other…it is not about one person trying to be what the other needs…it is about building a family structure in which we all look out for, protect, serve, nurture each other. Back to the concept of turning to those you love…friends to be exact, for what you don’t get at home. And more often than not…the ‘man’ wants to do x, but one *or more* girl is pms-ing, or in crisis, or in a bad mood, had a bad day at work, had a fight with a friend, whatever and the girls are busy or distracted by that person /need / circumstance to give her full time care and attention to him…that’s just part of what he signs on for.
With respect to checklists, and activities, what happens when one needs something the other can not or will not give?
Again…no one person can be everything to another…my basic hot buttons, I can take care of myself if it is truly that important…I can also choose to talk about those areas…choose to make requests…most of the time, I choose not to…simply cuz I’m a sub and as long as my basic needs are being met, I don’t like it to be about me. Are there things I like that we don’t do…yes…are there things that he likes that we don’t do, and things I like to do that we don’t do…just like any couple…that’s not the issue…you can spend your entire life looking at the grass on the other side of the fence, worrying about what you do and don’t have…or you can look at what you do have and say, life is good. In the mean time, as new people are coming in, the chances are that they will like some of the things that I like that Richard doesn’t like…more people coming in actually increases my chances of doing all of the things that I like to do. |
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Duplicate journal Entry from 11-21:
Recently, another submissive asked me a series of questions that she felt it would be important for her to know. She is not poly and has never known someone who was poly...but I thought the questions were intelligent and the answers telling...so I've decided to include it here. It won't all fit in one entry, so it will be a series of entries starting now:
What you write about sounds like an ideal.
I guess in some ways, there is the perfect ‘dream’, ‘hope’, ‘vision…call it what you will…can it be 100% perfect? No. But nothing…no situation, person, relationship, job, family is perfect. Once upon a time, I had a dream to help people overcome the crap that comes with life…which required me to go back to school, secure two degrees, thousands of volunteer hours and two years of post-degree supervision. It certainly didn’t happen over night. I started in 1991 and didn’t finish until 1999. Is my career perfect? Hell NO. Too much paperwork, too many politics, too much of a lot of things…but at the end of the day, despite the work, hassles, problems, I walk away with a sense of achievement, accomplishment, knowing that I made a difference in the life of another. Bottom line is in spite of the hassles, difficulties, and things that give me a headache, my career choices meets my wants and needs. Dealing with the rest is the price I pay for the game I choose to play. Same thing with a family. It takes more time, effort, energy to build a family…can take more time, effort, and energy to keep it going and it will certainly have its share of problems just like any other kind of relationship.
What are some of the problems?
Sometimes, there is jealousy. Sometimes, one or more want to slack off. Sometimes, eyes wonder, wants n needs change, insecurity happens. There are ways of solving those problems. The family, realizing that there is a ‘wounded’ or ‘stressed’ part, pulls together to meet the needs of the one. When there are multiple people watching out for you, chances are stresses, hard feelings, issues are identified much sooner than when there is only one person to watch…and that simply results in problematic areas being identified and dealt with before it becomes a cancer that eats away at the foundation of the relationships in question. So an ideal? Perhaps…but both Richard and I are aware of the pitfalls and how they should be handled to ensure that each member of the family is nurtured and supported…ensuring that each one’s needs are being met.
But is it real? Can you achieve it?
I have had two poly experiences. The first was my initial trainer. My trainer took on ‘newbies’ and assisted them in learning the basics of safety and assisted in exploring activities…wants, needs, activities that are enjoyable vs. activities that are tolerable…helped to define limits and helped to resolve fears. Basically, it was an alpha/family blend. He had a wife from prior to his lifestyle activities. As they grew and explored, they found he was into far more than she was, so she allowed him to seek others so that he could develop to his full potential…after several of years of experimenting, he had found his nitch with training…we all went to a discussion group 2-3 times a week depending on his schedule and sometimes that included group play…other times, there was individual play…there was no set number of persons…if it was a ‘low’ need group *i.e. fairly emotionally in control, had a good support system, etc* he took on more…if it was a ‘high’ need group, he took on less. And he only took one on at a time. The more experienced girls supported, cared for and helped the newest girl…and she remained the only new girl until she was stable in the situation. Some times, his wife joined us, sometimes she didn’t. Sometimes she needed to say *or one of us needed to say* I need something more, or something special at this particular moment in time…but there was never any question as to was everyone’s needs going to get met. After I had gone as far as my trainer could take me, he assisted me in finding a new trainer who could complete my training…and at that time, I joined a new family.
His home started off as a family, and later became an alpha model. During my time with Kurt, there were three of us…and we each had our ‘time’ both group time and individual time with Kurt as well as time individually and in combination with the other girls. And in a lot of ways, it was like living a perpetual slumber party in the best sense of the party spirit…we had movie nights, pampering nights…took time out to give each other massages…made smores in the fireplace…stayed up all night talking…laughed together, cried together…but here is the key…the girls involved held equal esteem with him…which basically meant time with them was as important, if not MORE important than time with the Dom himself.
We are social beings…we need other people…when you get into a fight with an SO, or family, you call your friends…when there is a break up, you call on your support system…when you get that promotion, you don’t proceed directly into the bedroom to engage in sex…you socialize…you reach out to the ones that you love and you invite them in. It is this need to socialize…to belong…to be part of that serves as the building block for a poly family. Rather than going to those on the outside *who may or may not be in the lifestyle and who may or may not understand* you turn to a sibling…who living in the same house, has been there and done that or who is being there and doing that…or who will eventually get there and can look forward to it…and because of the commonality, you don’t have to worry about getting bum advice, getting steered in the wrong direction, be rejected because the other(s) you talk to don’t get what you are talking about…instead, you have someone who knows EXACTLY where you are, what you are going through and can help you find solutions that work for you without jeopardizing what you have.
So is it possible? Yes. Most Definitely.
Don't you want to be married?
In Tessa’s world, marriage is an outdated concept that cannot and will never survive on its own. Take a look at the divorce rates…marriage works when there is supports in the neighborhood that support the common ideals of marriage. Take the 1950’s…people married other people from their home towns…they lived in the same neighborhoods as their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, parents, etc. When there was a fight, misunderstanding, hard times…you didn’t get on the internet to chat…didn’t go down to the bar to get drunk and maybe have a one night stand…you went to your family in your neighborhood…where you found love, support, nurturing, guidance…and that construct supported the concept of marriage…if you flash forward to the 1980’s, the nuclear family had begun…both parents working became common and the divorce rates rose through the ceiling. Why? The constructs that existed that supported marriage were gone. Few live anywhere near their extended families these days…and in a lot of ways, family becomes familiar strangers…because the day-to-day interaction necessary to continue growing and bonding is complicated by busy lives, hectic schedules and lack of time. My personal perspective is that marriage without that extended support network is just not viable. So don’t I want to be married?
No. What I want is what the concept of marriage embodies to girls. Someone who loves me, accepts me, supports me…who celebrates the good times, pushes me to be my best…someone who appreciates me, challenges me, understands me. Someone who doesn’t plan to toss me away when the road gets bumpy or when a better opportunity comes along. Marriage does NOT guarantee any of that. All marriage does is ensure that you can’t just walk away. All marriage does is force people to have conversations when it’s over…and even in that…the opportunity exists to talk things out…but if one is not inclined to talk, Then talk isn’t going to happen.
That being said…there are legal implications for some. Health insurance being an issue, and being expensive is one social security benefits are another. Having someone who can make decisions in your absence or if you become incapable of making your decisions is another. Purchase power is the last major area. For myself, I work, I am paid well. I have my own insurance, my own retirement, and my own social security. I am not wealthy, but I can pay my own bills and see to my own financial needs. I submit because I choose to…have a partner because I want one…in no way shape or form do I have to have someone. The rest of it is in how the legal agreements are written up…and if you are going to have a family, it’s irresponsible to not do the legal agreements.
Have a family of your own?
Don’t I have a family of my own? I have a daughter who is not perfect, but I personally think she is wonderful. I have a great guy who means a lot to me, who sees to my well being, shares his home, heart, head with me…we are in the process of developing goals for our future…and we are looking for others to share that with us. That is just a defined part of who we are. Marriage does not a family make. The commitment, caring, concern, love, laughter, sharing, supporting, nurturing, correction, mutual respect, and a ton of other things go into making my family. The family I choose to make my stake with. As Richard says…not conventional for this time and place…certainly in other times/places, it was and is a viable option. Home is where your heart is…it’s not a building, a plot of earth, something that can be purchased. It is a state of mind…a way of being. So I have a family of my own…I belong to my family…my family belongs to me.
Children of your own?
Being a therapist who works with foster children, I have a different perspective on this. The two people who create a child are NOT necessarily parents. They are cell donors. Parents imply the skills, time, desire, and commitment to invest in the growth n development in the life of a child. Do I have to donate genetic material to step into a commitment to the life of a child? Is that child any less viable, less precious, less important because he/she carries someone else’s genetic material? In my world, no. I have a great capacity to love. My entire professional live has been dedicated to stepping into the vacant roles left by cell donors in the lives of children. Children entering my family receive a greater commitment to growth, development, love, concern…they belong to me as I belong to them…love is NOT a feeling…love is an action or a series of actions. I give to those who are in my family…I receive from those who are in my family…and as stated before…we evolve to a place where they are mine with all the rights and privileges that go along with being mine…all my resources become theirs…by choice…and that bond…the bond of choice, is far stronger than any legal entitlement or genetic donation.
A husband?
To restate what I said above: I have a great guy who means a lot to me, who sees to my well being, shares his home, heart, head with me…we are in the process of developing goals for our future…The commitment, caring, concern, love, laughter, sharing, supporting, nurturing, correction, mutual respect, and a ton of other things go into making my family. The family I choose to make my stake with. A ring does not change, alter, or make a partner…or husband…the choice to invest, to continue investing…to grow and continuing to grow…to share…to give…to take…its all there…’husband’ is a legal term and nothing more. It is an emotional term that defines a particular relationship. Not having the legal contract does not preclude having that relationship with another. |
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Duplicate entry from 11-19
*Please note, the assertions here are from my perspective, based on 15 years active in the lifestyle…countless conversations with more Dominants and submissive that I have had the privilege of getting to know through out the years. If you’ve had a different experience, or have a different take on what I’ve written, please drop me an email as I’d love to learn more, but please do not take my statements as derogatory nor personal. They are not aimed at any one in particular or the way that anyone chooses to be. Thank you! Tessa*
Richard and I have, while not a completely unique view on what W/we are searching for, a kind of less common form of poly. In my experience, poly takes on many different structures, depending on the situations, desires, and people involved. Some poly experiences are more like swinging *i.e. one or both have multiple partners…maybe they all get together, maybe they don’t*. Usually in this ‘swing’ style of poly, there is a more casual connection between at least some of the persons involved. They may or may not know each other well, may or may not fall under a classification of ‘casual acquaintances’.
In a more popular form of poly, there is one or more ‘alpha’ submissive/slave(s). This kind of poly usually starts as a couple who want to bring a third person into their relationship. Possibly a fourth/fifth, but usually, it’s a triad poly. The ‘alpha’ tends to have special privileges within the relationship *i.e. sleeping in the bedroom, the others sleep in their own room(s) or the others may not live with the couple. The alpha may be married to the Dominant for a variety of different reasons. The ‘alpha’ also usually has special responsibilities in the relationship with the others involved *i.e. punishing rule violations, assigning chores, etc*. For Richard and I both of these models make for an unstable, transient household where some of the girls involved if not all the girls involved feel marginalized, less than and insecure. While this is not strictly always true, it tends to be the most complained about part of poly for those who have had bad experiences that I know of.
There are many other forms/ways of being/ combinations of poly and monogamy and each has its pros and cons. Each appeals to a certain way of being, and to the needs of the people involved in each situation. This is more an attempt to begin to answer some of the questions that W/we have been asked in O/our journey towards family.
For a family style of poly, are W/we looking for “multiple girls”? No, W/we are not. What W/we are building is a family. You don’t just bring anybody into your family. W/we could have multiple persons if W/we chose. But what W/we are open to, aware of and hoping for is to find others who can grow to be part of O/our family…soul mates if you will. W/we are not looking for someone who comes in casually with the intent of having some fun for a period of time until she finds what she is ‘really’ looking for. W/we are not looking for someone who will come in and disrupt what W/we are building. What W/we want is someone that will come in and enhance what W/we have. Meld all of who and what she is into what W/we are building.
So what are W/we looking for? The next couple of journal entries are designed to describe O/our philosophy and O/our wants, needs n desires with respect to O/our family and in doing so, begin to describe the kinds of persons that will fit well. |
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Duplicate journal from 11-13
How would it look? Been there, done that:
In the spring, we'd plant bulbs together, clip the hedges, turn the flower beds...getting things for our home ready...we also did the spring cleaning together...tended to get done faster with the three of us cleaning, dancing around the house and dancing to whatever cassette/cd happened to get tossed in the boom box.
In the summer, we'd water the plants, cut the grass, pick the flowers...we'd cook light n easy dishes and head off to the beach on some adventure...of course while doing the yard work, more water ended up on us than ever ended up on the flower beds in one of our famous water fights.
In the fall, there would be the raking, pulling up the bulbs, putting the bushes to sleep...and more leaves ended up in our shirts n pants than made the trash bag. There was also hot cocoa by the fire, smores roasted in doors...long, all night chats just cuz we could. There were lazy Sundays rooting for our favorite teams *which usually disolved into a pillow fight if someone's team was playing against someone else's team*
In the winter, the the snow would fall and the war would be on...usually started when one of us dared to venture outside to clear the driveway...there were also tinsel fights as we decorated the house for the holidays, shopping for the perfect gifts, make overs for the Christmas parties so we could look our best.
Regardless of the seasons, there was cuddling on the couch to watch a movie, endless hours cooking in the kitchen, our own book club just cuz we all loved to read. There were loud times when there was never enough time to say everything that we wanted to say and quiet times when no words were needed at all.
And, no, it wasn't perfect...many a family meeting went into getting our family to that level and keeping it there... :)
So having been there and done that, I'd like to live my 'ideal' again :)
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So What Is a Poly Family *duplicate journal from 11-13...
It starts with building a friendship…building a bond between individuals…and in building that friendship; instead, you create something new…you create a shared identity. You build a shared reality; you build a history, build feelings for a person. In some senses, you come to belong to one another. You don’t give friendship *most of the time*, it is earned, over time, with trust, care and concern…but this friendship provides a foundation with which to build something better. This friendship, when developed appropriately, becomes essential…so very precious, so very important…worth further investment, worth protection, worth building on. And in that, it alters my identity. I then am no longer just Tessa…I am Tessa…the friend of…the support to…another person. That does not diminish me…it makes me stronger. Because I am no longer forced to handle life on my own…to navigate the winding rivers of life without help. There is a place where there is support, understanding, sharing, a quality of caring that supports the efforts in other areas of life. I no longer have to count on just one person who may or may not be in a place to assist me…I have choices, because I have started building a family.
Many things go into making friends: there has to be chemistry *and that isn’t limited to sexual attraction…people need to click on an emotional and intellectual level*. There has to be shared interests. Shared feelings. A shared sense of esteem. There has to be genuine trust, genuine caring, and a genuine interest in another person. There has to be a commitment of time, energy and resources in which to get to know one another, to learn how to support one another, to learn how to nurture one another. And in building this friendship, you start to achieve intimacy. You start to reveal the deepest parts of yourself, and in having the safety of friendship, trust and a shared identity, I have found that I am free to be more of who and what I really am without having to worry about protecting myself from harm, rejection, and all of the other crap that comes with life.
At the point that intimacy enters a friendship, at least in Tessa’s world, the state of family has been achieved. I can’t choose my biological family…neither can anyone else…but I do have the power to choose those people that I will belong to…the people who will have my back…who will be there through thick n thin…who will challenge me to continue growing, who will tell me when I’m screwing up and who will love me no matter what. I can choose who I will give myself to…who I will spend my time and efforts on…who will benefit from having been a part of my life…who can turn to me when they need someone in their corner…who has the right to access any of the resources I have at my disposal. I decide who will be showered in my care and concern, who will benefit from my service *and to me at least, yes, I serve my friends…maybe not always in a sexual way, but emotionally, intellectually, spiritually*.
For me the ultimate is then to bring that friendship under one roof, under one Head of Household. To join together in creating a shared reality, a shared identity, unified under a bond of love and friendship, and in doing so, completing a journey to create something in which the cherished, precious individual pieces become part of something that is so much more valuable when joined. It creates a whole family…where no one is diminished because they belong, but rather enhanced in everyway in which we find completeness in the family that has been established.
How can I say that one is not diminished through a shared bond? That’s easy…when the bonds are established, each person who has shared in building that family becomes so essential, so utterly important that each person is indispensable…it is nearly impossible for one to leave the family without forever changing the nature, character, the very essence of what was built. Each person becomes a vital, necessary and integral part…fills a unique role that can never be filled by another. Beyond that, we are social creatures…no one person, no matter how gifted can be the be all and end all to another. There will always be a need to have friends, family, other people involved. The only difference here is that those others are all under one roof, building, sharing, loving and existing together. |
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| Age: 39 |
| Taylor,
Michigan |
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