Starlynn

It is so easy for men to sit there and say that they don't let their heart get involved in this type of relationship but when they have honestly and truthfully found everything they have ever wanted, it would be nearly impossible for them not to.  I had that.  But now... now he is gone.  For some reason he just slipped away and is not coming back.  he won't even be decent enough to give Me some closure and explain why.  I have waited for two weeks now for word as to what is going on and I have heard nothing.  I am... dying on the inside.  A very slow and painful death because I cannot get the closure I need in order to know what happened.  I cannot even fathom being with another submissive right now.  I have to work through this.  I wouldn't want to put this on to someone else and I don't want to end up in a rebound because those never work.  But a friend to lean on and a shoulder to cry on would sure be nice right now.

I don't even know what is safe to say or not say here anymore.  I'm heartbroken and torn.  That's about all I can say right now.  Too much heart break in too short of a time for Me to even feel like it's not something I am doing wrong.  Perhaps I need to guard My heart more and just not open up to anyone or if I do, don't tell them that I have.  My tesher has been missing for over a week now.  I haven't seen him since last Tuesday.  I worry that I said too much when I told him just how I feel about him.  Was I an idiot for telling him?  Wherever you are, Mine, My heart is broken and I need to know you are okay and that you just can't be with Me anymore if that is the case.  Don't leave Me hanging like this.

Going Under

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(Going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

Lonely: adjective meaning 1. Lacking companions or companionship.  2. Marked by dejection from being alone.  3. Devoid of creatures.

Synonyms: alone, lone, lonesome, unfrequented.

Similar to: dejected, unaccompanied, uninhabited.

Not by any choice of My own but that so describes Me.  I am stuck in a void where no one can see Me or if they do the throw Me both ends of the rope.  "Thanks, bud!  Now if I can just figure out how to get the one end back up to you so you can pull Me out."

I get so close to what I want and need and then it just goes away, never to be heard from or seen again.  I don't know what's wrong.  I can't fix it if I don't know.  Dare I even open up anymore?  Dare I let anyone into My heart anymore?  Why?  So they can do what everyone else in My past has done?  So they can just crush it like they would if they were putting a cigarette out with their foot?  It hurts so much.  I just don't know anymore what to do.  I'm ready to give up, give up the notion that I will ever find what I want in real life and give up the notion that I will ever find what I need in real life.

Frustrated?  Is that the word that I am looking for here?  I get within feet of My goal and someone or something pulls the rug out from under Me.  Do I give in to what I feel I am being told and give up looking, give up any hope of happiness or do I press on and keep ending up feeling like crap every time this happens?

I just added a new picture.  It isn't the best quality because it was taken as a reflection in the mirror.  It is My newest purchase and I love it.  I just got the nightie tonight and have been wearing it since I got home.  I think I have found My new favorite night wear.

I do believe the search is finally over for a boy.  I think that I have found one that fits everything I am looking for but only time will tell. 

What being a Dominant does not mean to Me:

It does not mean having someone do My laundry because I am to lazy to do it, or any other household chores for that matter.  It does not mean that just because I am in the mood, if My submissive is not, I'm going to get what I want.  It does not mean that I get 100% My way all the time.

What being a Dominant does mean to Me:

To Me it means allowing the submissive to come to Me and know that, if they don't know which way is the right way, I will lead them in the right direction.  It means that My submissive and I work together to find things that are mutually beneficial to one another.  Everyone has their own skill set and everyone that comes into a relationship has something to offer.  If you feel that you have nothing to offer, then perhaps you need to examine yourself to find what you have.  To Me it is compromising but the submissive knowing in the end what I chose is the final word on the matter.  It is caring for the submissive in times of sorrow, want, need, hurt, anger, despair, or any other negative emotion that may come along and not just in the good times.

To Me the bottom line is, being a Dominant means being there and being strong for You submissive though all that life may throw in Your path and overcoming the obstacles.

Wow!  When it rains, it pours.  Seems that there are fake girls, perhaps even bigger game players than the boys out here too.  Promises of getting money saved up to move to You and then You find out they ended up back with their Ex that was supposedly abusive to them when they where together before.  Not seeing hide nor hair of them in almost 24 hours after You confront them with this information that You learn from the Ex's own mouth.  Sad, pathetic losers that need to learn that there are real people behind these computer screens who have real human emotions and when you know that They have been going through the hell that I have been going through and you come along and promise that you are going to move to Them and you are serious as a heart attack, and then disappear like that, you should be tarred and feathered and then strung up by your toenails just for starters.  Abuse is too good of a punishment for the likes of assholes like you.  But that's okay because Karma is a bitch.  Whatever you put out there and do to someone else, comes back to bite your ass in the end.  you'll get yours girly.  you'll get yours.

Okay, usually My journal entries are enlightening or serious.  Today, I am going to lighten things up a bit by retelling the story of My mom's stupid smartphone.

For those of you that do not have one, when you are trying to type with a smart phone you can hit the mic button and speak to it and it should recognize what you are saying.  My mom had been trying, probably 10 times, to get her phone to recognize Duck Sauce.  It would write duck awesome, duck salon, duck saloon, duck salmon.  The real kicker was when she already had the duck in it and said sauce and it typed lol.  Her phone laughed at her for trying to hard... lmao... I just had to share.

Hmmmm.  Weighing My options right now.  Do I go shopping for clothes?  Or is there a boy in the area that might want to get together and play in the next couple of days?  I have a few things but I can think of some other things that would be fun to have as well.

First payday is tomorrow.  Was thinking of going and getting something to play with a boy with but... I don't particularly want to do that if I'm not going to have anyone to play with over the next few days as I have clothes that need replacing if I'm not going to have someone to play with as I've gotten to small for the.  What a quandary.

My thoughts on titles of respect

Yes, it is nice when a submissive that You do not own calls you Miss.  However, I feel that it is the responsibility of the Dominant to earn that title of respect, which is what makes it that much nicer when a submissive calls You by Your preferred title of respect.  I think that there should be some level of respect automatically given to Dominants.  However, I feel that those that attempt to make You call them, Mistress, Miss, Ma'am, Sir, Mister, Master, etc. are just lacking something in Their personal lives They are trying to make up for.  Even Mine calls Me just by My name sometimes.  However, there are times when, if the situation call for it or if it is said in the correct manner, then I know he means it just as respectfully as if he were to call Me Mistress.  I guess it is just a Me thing.  I don't think that the title has to be there for the respect to be there.  I don't wear My Dominance like a badge of honor.  I am just Me.  Take it or leave it.

My thoughts on submissives playing games

Don't bother Me with pettiness and silly games because I'm not here for them.  I am here to find someone for a real life long term relationship.  A submissive that I can treasure and that I can love who will worship and love Me in return.  It's quite simple really.  I've been alone for too long now.  I watched life pass Me by for 6 years and it got Me nowhere.  I am ready to start living again, but I want to be living life with someone in it.  .oO( God, I hope that didn't come across as desperate to everyone else as it did to Me. )  I guess I should just wish Myself happy hunting.

Murphy's Law certainly seems to be applying to My life as of late.  I'll just leave it at that.

~*sits thinking for a bit*~ All a lot of men (Dom or sub) do is see a face they liked and started trying to get with Me.  If you would have read My profile, there are a lot of clues in it as to what I am and am not looking for.  I'm not just another pretty face.  I am a complex, intelligent Woman and I have expectations.  I won't just jump at being with someone because they say they say they are willing to wear My lifetime collar within the first hour that I have known them and really only talked to them 30 minutes of that hour.  I am not a whore or a slut and I don't jump into bed with everyone that takes interest in Me.  I want something lasting and in order to know that it is going to last, I have to get to know a person's personality before I will agree to anything.  Under no uncertain terms will I move from Minnesota unless it is Wisconsin because there are places that are only a 30 or 45 minute drive away in Wisconsin.  I have a very difficult time dealing with Switch men because most them them at some point attempt to top from the bottom and I am Dominant, not submissive.  I was serving in a submissive capacity to see if that was Me and it wasn't.  So when someone that has surrendered to Me as a sub attempts to top from the bottom, I view it as disrespectful and also come down harshly upon them for it.  I have an online submissive who may someday be real life when his real life situation allows for it but right now it does not and we do not know when it will.  In the meantime, I will search for real life here.  When I say I don't think someone isn't understanding what I was saying.  I am saying that I didn't think they were understanding Me, not trying to give some hidden meaning of Myself being better than that person.  Men (Dom or sub, but mostly Dom) are an interesting species in My book.  They can go from friendly to biting Your head off in about three seconds over nothing really.  Actually, the sooner someone shows that side to Me the better because I just broke off a friendship with someone that was like a vanilla sister to Me for being that way and I would rather not get involved in another friendship/relationship like that right after.

I feel that Dominant Men see a Dominant Woman in a porn and think that is how They all are.  Not true, Men!  We are not all like that.  In fact, from what I have seen in most porns with Dommes in them, that isn't even what being Dominant is about.  They force a male into submission and then torture him until he is screaming bloody murder.  Forced submission is not submission, it is rape no matter how You look at it.  And in My eyes, it isn't fun when I make a sub scream bloody murder.  I don't have a vengeful attitude towards men, Dom or sub, unless they take a piss poor attitude with Me.  I do tend to get a little Catty however when One tells Me that "neither of those titles (Domme or Switch) fit you" when They never even knew the submissive Me and are basing it on the fact that My profile states that I started in the lifestyle knowing what it is as a sub.  I have to reiterate that point because I was doing things within the lifestyle realm without knowing there was an entire lifestyle of BDSM before spring of 2002 and I was always the one in control of the situation.  I am a Woman that just happens to be Dominant.  I am still kind, caring, loving, sensitive, passionate, feisty, tolerant, open-minded, forgiving, considerate, sympathetic and many other things that make Me the wonderful person I am underneath it all.

Dominant Men Who think that every Woman's place is on Her knees at His feet amuse Me.  I don't think that Men like that even have a clue as to just what the ratio of Dominant Women to Dominant Men is.  In My personal experience, there are a lot more Dominant Women, I mean truly Dominant Women, to Dominant Men, speaking of course of truly Dominant Men.  Mind you that My next statement is My own personal opinion and not meant to be taken as law, except of course unless you belong to Me.  I think that Men that think that a Woman's only true role in life is to serve a Man and to be on Her knees at His feet are actually afraid to admit their own attraction to a strong Woman, afraid to surrender and give of themselves 100% to a truly Dominant Woman.  In My personal opinion, a truly Dominant Man can accept that there are Women in the real world that are just as skilled and capable of being Dominant as They are.  Men think that because I state that I started in the lifestyle "knowing what that means" in My profile that I am not a truly Dominant Female.  However, if They were to delve into My history beyond where I found out what BDSM was and meant, I was a sexually Dominant Woman from the time I first started having sex and when I started getting into the kink of it, I was the one that was in control.  When I found out about BDSM and that there was a community related to the things that I liked to do to men, I decided to attempt to get a taste of the other side of the whip.  It was not Me in the end and I took My place back in the Dominant role once more and have settled into it quite well.

Who would have thought that taking a chance and meeting someone one a whim the first night that you start talking to them in a public place with a safe call in place would have put a smile on My face that would last for more than two hours now?  And who would have thought that so few words in an email as, "I had a great time as well :-) Talk soon," would have widened that smile even more?  The icing on the cake is that there was a "tension" when he left but not a bad one, in fact a very good one, and he respected Me not wanting to do anything on the first meeting.  I am happy?  Elated?  Heck I don't even know the word.  I just know that I want to to see him again.  you know how you are.  Thanks for a wonderful evening.

The Natural Dominance of Women

By William Bond

If you take a cork and hold it underwater, it is very easy to hold it down but it will only stay there while you keep holding it in that position.  If at any time you arm gets tied or you get fed up with keeping the cork underwater and let go, the cork will automatically rise to the top.  This concept gives a good metaphor of what is happening today in the politics of Female power.

For anyone who has read the history of patriarchy over the last five thousand years, what it very striking is the great effort needed to keep Women powerless.  Up until the end of the 19th century, there were laws to ensure that women couldn't own any property or wealth.  As the law stated everything a woman had was owned by either her father or husband and the law also made it very difficult for any woman to inherit property.

Women were also barred from all jobs or professions except being a house wife, servant or prostitute.  Therefore, Women were unable to acquire any wealth of power in her own right.  Husbands were also encouraged to dominate their wives, who had to swear to obey their husbands when they were married.  The law even gave husbands the right to beat their wives with either a stick or whip.

In other cultures, the laws oppressing women were even stricter than in the western world.  It was traditional for the Somalis people of Somalia, Kenya, Ethiopia and Djibouti for a bride to start married life with a flogging from their husbands.  It seems the newly wedded husband would wait for her in the bridal chamber with a whip in his hand.  This was also true with the Siphon people of Tibet, who traditionally would again start of married life with the husband whipping his bride.

Yet we are taught at school and in our history books that men have always been the dominant sex going back to early Stone Age.  The irony is that, if it is natural for men to be the dominant sex, why do men then have to create very oppressive laws and customs against Women? If it is natural for men to be the dominant sex then they shouldn't need any laws, custom or propaganda to keep their place as the dominant sex.  For instance, the only reason why we have laws against stealing is because many people do steal.  If people didn't steal, there would be no reason to have laws against this behavior.  The same is true of customs and traditions.

The custom of marriage with people swearing to be true to each other is only needed because people do tend to have sex outside of marriage.  If pair bonding was completely natural for human beings then we wouldn't need customs like marriage, enforced by laws and social censure.

This then means that oppressive laws and customs to keep women in a subservient position is suggestive that it is not natural for women to be the submissive sex.  If it is natural for men to be the dominant sex then there would be no reason for men to have oppressive laws and customs to keep women in bondage.

If you think about it, from the time the original Aryan invaders conquered Matriarchal communities in southern Europe to the start of Christianity and Islam it was about 3,000 years.  This means the Patriarchs needed 3,000 years of brainwashing all men and Women into believing that our Creator was a male, that sex, childbirth, and menstruation was sinful or dirty and that women were inferior to men.  This suggests that Women were held in such high regard in ancient times that the original Patriarchal invaders with all the advantages of violence and intimidation, still took thousands of years to overcome the power of Women.

If we compared this with what is happening today where Women for a position of complete powerlessness in the 19th century has in just over a 100 years gained near equality with men, we can see that patriarchal men have had to put in a enormous effort into subduing Women.  Through the undermining of the patriarchal religion of Christianity, we can now see Women rapidly rise to power once again. So it is like a holding a cork underwater.  It is easy to hold the cork down, but once you let go the cork rises to the surface.  Patriarchy could only keep Women down while it was actively suppressing them, and when the pressure was release we know find Women are naturally moving back to ruling society once again.

This suggests to me, that it is probably natural for human beings to be ruled by Women.  Not only have Women gained political power over the last hundred years but the relationship between men and Women is also changing rapidly. With the undermining of the many customs, beliefs and social conventions that men are the dominant sex the personal relationships between men and women are rapidly changing.

It is now more commonplace for Women to claim openly they are the head of the household and we even now have house husbands.  While sexually things are also changing, from very tiny beginnings during the early 1970s the FemDom movement has grown steadily and strongly.

It has been patriarchal religions like Christianity and Islam that have been in the forefront of oppressing Women. Even today extreme Islam countries try to force Women to wear facial screens and discourage female education.  Restrictions like this wouldn't be needed if men didn't fear the power of Women.

In the past Christianity used extreme violence against Women. In the infamous Witch hunts 1400’s to the 1700’s the vast majority of millions of people who were tortured and burnt alive were Women, suggesting again a real fear of Women becoming too powerful.

It was only the decline of Christianity through the rise of science that abolished the oppression of Women, in the Western world.  With the ending of oppressive laws and customs throughout the 20th century women have quickly gained near equality with men.

I know to us a hundred years might seen a long time but in historical terms it is very quick for such a far reaching social change.  If this rate of progress for Women is to continue during the 21st century, clearly Women will be ruling the world in another hundred years time.  What is clearer is that men can only become the dominant sex by enforcing, through violence and propaganda, oppressive laws and customs against Women. This means that it is not natural for men to be the dominant sex if he has to put so much effort into keeping Women down.  If we get rid of all these artificial laws and customs created by patriarchal men and follow our natural instincts then Women will naturally become the rulers of our World.

I found that on a site online and found it to be quite an interesting read.  I thought perhaps some of the Dominant Men out there might want to think twice about the way They treat some of the girls that are submissive to Them, particularly Those that "believe in the Gorean ways".  C'est la vie, I suppose.  But then won't it become a matter of Live to die (out) or perhaps Dying to truly live?

Sometimes people's profiles on here can be completely misleading because they don't update them often enough.  I try to keep Mine fairly up to date so that there is nothing misleading on it.  I don't want there to be any confusion or anyone getting the wrong idea from the things that I say in My profile.  Just today, I spent a bit of time, trying to see if there was a way that I could perhaps push someone's limits only to find out that what they said on their profile was completely the opposite of what they really want and I wouldn't have spent the time pushing those limits verbally.  I wish that people would just say what they mean and mean what they say on their profiles.

Is a real life Domme really a Domme in real life if She does not have a real life submissive?  I sit here and ponder this question while I search for the right boy.  tesher said to Me last night that when he was Dominant he enjoyed the plotting a course, the control, but this freedom (that I offer to him) is wonderful, addictive, just to serve, and do what he can for his Mistress.  he also said that he feels comfortable with Me because he thinks I could be Domme and admit I am wrong if I ever am.  I told him that I am not one of those types that believes in the My way or highway philosophy.  The "Rule 1. I am never wrong.  Rule 2. If I am ever wrong, refer to rule 1." theory is just not a part of Who I am as a person so therefore it is not how I chose to be as a Domme.  To Me, that is just too rigid.  There has to be some give with the take, it can't just be taking all the time with nothing being given back to the other person or they will just leave.  And within the confines of this type of relationship, both partners have to be willing to grow together because if they are not growing together, they will most certainly grow apart.  I've seen (and felt) it happen with much pain involved.

It is interesting how life can change so quickly.  One can go from pondering the meaning of it all, to a connection with someone like they have never felt before in just a matter of hours.  I am talking to someone that has caught My interest and we shall see where it goes.  Maybe things will go somewhere, maybe they won't.  We won't know right away.

I have been trying to find a boy or girl that wants to talk about more than just the sexual side of this lifestyle.  Seems as though there are not many out there that understand that there is much more to this lifestyle than just a sexual relationship.  There are so many other aspects to a relationship within the BDSM lifestyle.  I don't know why everyone seems to think it is only about the sex.  There is the control, and the surrender of that to Someone that the sub/slave fully trusts.  There is the trust aspect as well.  One cannot have a meaningful relationship in this lifestyle without there being a full level of trust between both parties.  I don't know why it is that people think about this lifestyle only on the terms of the sexual.  It is so much more than that.  Doesn't anyone understand where I am coming from?