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| Oh I decided I should probably put a sentence or two here in the profile section. I am a submissive female in Oregon. I am not currently seeking a relationship. I am seeking friends in the lifestyle. I do enjoy conversing on the BDSM lifestyle and always open in learning more. I have experience in realtime and online, but have not been active in the local BDSM community. I am thinking of changing this in the near future. My interests lay more in the educational side of bdsm not play at this time.
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This post is a difficult one for me, but I felt the friends I know here deserved a better explanation of why I haven't been here lately. As I said in my last post, I no longer live in Texas, I currently reside in Oregon. The main reason I have been absent is because my father is dying of brain cancer. I have been taking care of him a little over six months now. Pretty much everything in my life has been put on hold during this time. I am unable to be online like I used to be. I do apologize for taking so long to let you all know. Please understand it has been a difficult time for me. I wish everyone well! |
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Errmm wow have I been gone that long? Yup, Im still alive just not a lil texas darlin anymore. You know, the last time I wrote in here I thought I would be back soon. Just shows you how wrong thoughts can be at times. How life can change on you and how you can change yourself. Im still working on me, but I do want people on here who I have spent many hours sharing moments with know your thought of, missed, and loved. |
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Wow I haven't been here in months. My apologies to the ones I befriended in the past, if your still around, for being gone so long. I do hope to meet back up with friends again and perhaps meeting new ones as well. Laughs, I sleep like a babe now. Amazing what time can accomplish in ones life. Life is good and I look forward to the holidays. Wishing everyone a glorious day. Laughs softly, even though its quite chilly here in the 20's today. Brrrrr |
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To all my wonderful friends i have met here. Yes, i am still alive, laughs softly. My apologies for not being around much lately. It is one of those step back and evaluate moments. i hope to return on a regular basis soon. So please bare with me and know your thought of often. |
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Happy Fourth of July Everyone! To all you wonderful service men and women, muaaaaah, love you, and Thank You! Its a glorious beautiful day here. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing more beautifully, the air seems sweeter. Freedom is a magnificent glory to behold. Freedom of choice to live ones dreams, to lead, or follow, and much more. Have a safe and happy holiday everyone! |
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Just a thought for the day...
It is not the fear of punishment which makes one pleasing of nature, it is the devotion, loyalty, honor, respect, and love implanted by their Master. |
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Author: Lord Byron
July, 1816
The Dream Part I...
Our life is twofold: Sleep hath its own world.
A boundary between the things misnamed
Death and existence: Sleep hath its own world,
And a wide realm of wild reality,
And dreams in their development have breath,
And tears, and tortures, and the touch of Joy;
They leave a weight upon our waking thoughts,
They take a weight from off our waking toils,
They do divide our being; they become
A portion of ourselves as of our time,
And look like hearlds of Eternity;
They pass like spirits of the past, --- they speak
Like Sibyls of the future; they have power ---
The tyranny of pleasure and of pain;
They make us what we were not --- what they will,
And shake us with the vision that's gone by,
The dread of vanish'd shadows --- Are they so?
Is not the past all shadow? --- What are they?
Creations of the mind? --- The mind can make
Substance, and people planets of its own
With beings brighter than have been, and give
A breath to forms which can outlive all flesh.
I would recall a vision which I dream'd
Perchance in sleep --- for, in itself, a thought,
A slumbering thought, is capable of years,
And curdles a long life into one hour.
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i know i haven't been writing much in here lately. Well, i never claimed to be the avid journal writer, laughs softly. i guess i have been more busy speaking with new friends and old ones instead of writing. It isn't because i have lost my thoughts, dreams rants ect. They have been going elsewhere or i haven't felt like sharing them with anyone. i keep getting asked when do you sleep soothing? When are you going to go to sleep, and the hardest one, of why can't you sleep? Umm sleep is overrated? Laughs, no this is not the reason. It is not i do not wish to sleep. i know i need sleep, i know what happens when i do not get enough sleep. i have a very active mind and sometimes it is hard to shut down my brain, to clear it, to rest long enough to attain sleep. So, lately i do not gain sleep until i am to the exhaustive point. i know its not healthy for me, but if you can't sleep, you just can't sleep. |
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Ever have one of those days where you thought, damn i wish i had never done that? |
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Warning, whine post....
Yes was one of those glorious days. Where i ended up crawling back into bed. Curled up with my pillows and blanket with the attitude of i do not wish to face the world today. Well after about an hour of laying there feeling sorry for myself and depressed, i finally asked myself what is this accomplishing? Nothing at all, but delaying all the goals i have set out for myself to be accomplished. Funny since the whine was about how to accomplish all the goals in the first place. Anyway, dragged my rear end out of bed and took a small step in getting a bit closer to what i wish to accomplish. Did wonders for now i can say i worked towards accomplishing what i desire from life, today. Instead of wasting it worrying and feeling sorry for myself. Moral of my rambling story, even when your down a baby step can do wonders, laughs. i would like to take the time to openly thank the Dominant who sent me the skit of the song, "Don't Worry Be Happy." It arrived at the perfect time! Thank You so much and it was so sweet. Speaking of sweet,i have added the first submissive male to my friends list. he is such a doll, i look forward to getting to know him better. i am surpised he does not have a zillion admirers on his list. On an ending note to my day...bleeeeeeegh i hate p.m.s.! |
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i am thankful today for the people i have met here. |
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Makes an unintelligible sound as i am on my first cup of coffee. My day will definately entail a trip to the store today for i have no more coffee. Okay, what will i be writing about today. i have been planning on writing about a conversation i had with a Master the other day. i am just making it in here though to actually write. The conversation was this... If a submissive/slave loves something how is this truly submitting? i am going to be a bit cheeky here and say if i agree with you, then how is this? If you truly believe this then why take a submissive/slave who loves to serve, you might as well take someone who hates the idea and force them to submit, then you will know they are really submitting? What are you going to do, refuse the submissive/slave from service because they love it? i am sorry these theories just do not sit well with me. Just because a submissive/slave loves something does not mean they cannot submit in this area. The example used to me in this conversation was a soft drink. If you love this soft drink how is it your drinking this soft drink is submitting? Well if it pleases my Master this is all ready in the mindset of serving. If the Master decides, He may limit the useage of my softdrink, gasps, HE may even take my softdrink away! (inserts coffee for soft drink in my case) He may even enforce how i may drink it and when i may drink my soft drink. The possibilities are endless, and relies upon the Masters creativity. We all love to get our sleep everyday, but try going to sleep when someone else tells you to. Trust me, it is not the easiest thing to do. Anyway, just my thoughts on this subject, even though im not fully awake at the moment. Maybe i should of waited to write later in the day? Laughs, and skips off. |
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smiles big and sings, dont worry, be happy..... |
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Not sure what i am going to write today, but thought i would just start and see what happens. i was able to speak with my friend which i havent had much opportunity to for the past week, her Master is visiting her at this time. Always wonderful to see her, a vivacious sister who her name fits perfectly. she is constantly into some antic or another i cannot believe the enormous patience her Master has with her. Laughs so hard, am thinking of going back and enlarging the enormous to even larger proportions. This man has the patience of a mountain. Anyway, she is hilarious and i do have a good time with her whenever we do visit. i wonder what drives the psyche of her constantly testing. It is not motivation for phsyical pain, perhaps its the need for constant attention, the testing of her wits trying to get herself out of what she got into the first place, and maybe the begging appeals to her to. Well whatever the reasons, she is a gem in her own way and i love her to pieces. i always have a blast around her. Laughs, it always amuses me how she tries pulling me into her antics. Lucy and Ethel coming to mind, i always decline and tell her im not her partner in crime. |
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omg how did i forget....He must have humor! Hmmm maybe i should go back and put patience in bold letters just for a warning. Naw isnt that half the fun finding those things out, laughs hard and skips out. |
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When i do seek a Master He will not be a control freak but one in control, He will not be
domineering but dominant, He will be consistant in His teachings, He will be very aware of His desires and needs and know how to have them fulfilled by the one He owns, confident of Himself as well for His surroundings, He will be loving but strict in His teachings and only expect the best out of who He owns. He will wish to see His property grow and flourish before His gaze and hand. He will be fair, understanding, compassionate, and inspiring. He will be the Master of Himself, He will be experienced. He will have the belief as people we never stop learning of life or the lifestyle. He will be intellegent, creative, patient, and provide challenges. He will know what i am ready for and what i am not ready for. He will be able to hold me and wipes the tears away with a tender hand when needed and know this makes Him a better Master not less of one. He will be human and may make his own mistakes in life but will learn from them and move on as a better person.
Giggles, maybe i should stop on my perfect Master? |
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Warning, i feel a rant coming on.....
i was so blessed today in speaking with a character who has inspired a rant for me. i appreciate in being complimented upon intelligence, but i do not appreciate a person then turning around and not being able to respect me using my mind in recognizing what is presented before me. Oh yes, i had the lovely experience of being told i am the perfect submissive for what this person seeks. Even though i clearly stated i am not looking right now but this does not bother me, for i will be someday. What does bother me is when i have clearly explained i do not speak to people who i have just met online, for less than five minutes, engaging in phone conversations. i even offered voice over the computer though. When i did ask what they are about, of who they are what is their standpoint in the lifestyle. They were unable to answer the simplest question, instead, continually tried to press for phone conversation with the promise it would not lead into phone sex, uhhh hmmm. Even announced, I AM DOMINANT AND YOU ARE DENYING ME. Which i reminded him, well as for this stand point i have not entered into a power exchange agreement with you so in actuality you are a person and so am i. Yet, they were more interested in what activities i have performed and sexually through pm than what and who i am. So i stated again in a respectful manner of i do not engage in phone conversations. They seemed to lack the capacity of understanding and continued pressing for a phone conversation and this was their only endeavor in the conversation. So, i finally said goodbye which i was met with the lovely your not submissive, you claim you are but as soon as things do not go your way you switch. My one reply was you do not have a clue of the lifestyle, probably not nice but am am honest in what i do. Not sure what the rest of the accusations were for i was in the process of ignoring this character but do know from a glance it was not nice. i hope this fellow gets more of a clue and an understanding in the future. It might be to much to ask of him but one can always hope, smiles. |
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No joy, joy, joy in my day today. Still mellow, thoughtful, reflective, and in the past today. i have made an observation of most sadists i have spoken to are usually quite intelligent. i wonder why this is so. The mind is a very powerful instrument. i am a firm believer if you are capable of capturing the mind, everything else will follow. Which brings me to the mindset of training. Once trained in an area how deeply imbedded is this training? Hehehe in my current vanilla single existence, poor me, laughs. Well back to what i was trying to express. i was merrily on my way but when stimuli from bdsm arose, i found my mind declaring you have no permission to. Then i thought but permission from who? There is no one to permit or restrict in your life at this time. i am not sure if i will make any sense to anyone else who reads this but i know what im talking about, laughs. Just a mental note of how putting oneself in a certain environmental situation would automatically pull up a mindset from previous training. A triggered response perhaps? i found it suprising, if not interesting in the least. i know there was something else i wished to write about which i was to tired to do last night, but it has slipped my mind at the moment. Maybe it will come back later. i did read a very interesting article today, i plan on going back and reading again. Thinking, i will slip into chat and find some humor. |
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Nope, still dont feel like writing, maybe tomorrow. |
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Arghhhhhhhhhh maybe i will write later. |
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Laughs, oh as promised i looked upon my profile and i had not even selected a level for receiving massages, i wonder why not? |
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i do not feel happy go lucky today, more on the contemplative side. i am sure when i finish this entry and if i go read some other peoples blogs i will be amused and be out of this analyzing funk. i am the sort to analyze and disect situations, people, myself, ect in my life. Sometimes, it is necessary for me to step back and take a much needed reflection on events or changes in my life. i do not know why it is just the way i am. There is nothing worse than over analyzing and i do try to find a balance. Laughs, i rather be bouncing off the walls and on cloud nine at the moment but i am not. i had a fellow member here email me and tell me they seen me peeking. After reading i turned a deep crimson red, giggles, i was caught! i was also contacted by another member in another lifestyle server with an extended invite for conversations. He did not say anything out of the ordinary in his speech but was also blushing. i do not know why i blush so, sometimes i think im to old to blush, and i hate it when i blush. Then other times i just bask in the feel of the blush which overcomes me and the one who caused it in the first place. i talked to a lovely female from off this server she seems very sweet and i hope to keep in contact with her. We spoke upon healing completely and not rushing the healing process before stepping into another relationship. We are both of the same mind a submissive should be healthy mentally and not expect a Dominant to fix it, laughs softly. Sorry, the old saying if its not broken dont try fixing it or such just popped through my mind. i also took the initiative last night of emailing a couple, they seemed a bit frustrated in their search for who they are looking for to include in their lives. It is not uncommon, i see this quite often, have experienced myself in the past. i think the most disheartening part is when you think you have finally found exactly what you have been looking for, and then it turns out to be otherwise. Usually no fault to either parties, just simply was not meant to be. The last couple of days i have seen the gift of my submission, or your gift of submission, plastered everywhere. Perhaps i am strange in this area, for i see the Dominant or Master giving just as much to their submissive or slave. They also work hard for who they are and for the care of who they choose. It saddens me when i see the submissive or slave in the i, i, i, syndrome, not that we do not have needs and desires which also need to be met, but it seems many have lost the concept of servitude to me. Anyway, i wish to extend a thank you to all the Masters, Mistresses, Dominants and Dommes for all the hard work they do and the precious gift they give to us in our lives. Themselves, their hard work, their direction, their guidance, and their care. |
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Omg i am laughing so hard. i am so enjoying reading other peoples thoughts. i have never really done the public journal thing before. Its great having a sense of humor and i do love to laugh. Some people make wonderful journals. Someone commented on how can you be an expert on receiving a massage? So i ask how can anyone be an expert on anything? i would assume on the checklist of bdsm the choices of expert, average, and beginner meant your level of experience. my perception of the choices was something which you have done often, sometimes, or just began or tried, and the curious selection, you have not done but are curious and wouldnt mind learning more about the activity. Laughs, but these are my perceptions and this is the way i answered them. Now a few i have done which i did answer no opinion, but because i am undecided on the activity, not sure i like it or not, or i was just naive in the list and didnt know what they were talking about, like objection something, believe its towards the end of the list. Not sure if i chose expert on receiving massages or average i am definately going to recheck, i think it was selected as expert. i did date a masseur in the past and oh it was wonderful. Almost melts right here and now thinking of those massages. i had daily massages for an extended period of time, mmmmmmm was so spoiled back then. i would like to say to all the masseurs and masseueses out there, i am sure you are loved by many in this world! |
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i am so lost on this admirer thing. What is it exactly and how does it work? i had a whole list earlier and i selected clear and wiped it completely out, laughs, oops. Maybe i should make it over to a chat room and ask in there? i have noticed a lot of people complaining of not getting responses. i am wondering if they are speaking about sent mail in general or another form of communicating on collarme. Laughs, sure hope its not through the admirer section, says oops again. i also wonder how people can become disgruntled if someone does not reply, i can see this if they specifically asked you to write them. Or what if they do not come online often and so it is weeks in between visits and do not see your sent mail ect. in the first place? i do not know how often i will be here but i do check my mail when i do come here and i do reply to emails. May not be the reply you wish to hear but i do try to extend the courtesy of recognition. i do not expect a reply when i initiate an interest or compliment to another, but think its great when i do receive one. Laughs, and i rather have no reply at all if they can only reply back with F you. Do not understand why a person would ask for such. Each person to their own devices and wishes. What you may think to be a brilliant written intro ect. may seem a intrusion to anothers privacy. If i make someone feel this way i do extend my apologies and please i ask of you, do not send me an F you, i rather have no reply. |
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Well so far from the day i have had two decent conversations with others. Not to bad i do not think. i just asked a fellow submissive if i may add her to my favorites. She accepted and i know i will be enjoying her entries in the future. i have a great appreciation for humor and realism. It is not always easy, but some people just shine above others in their writing. i read an entry by a Master and Mistress asking where has the respect gone, the common courtesy in the lifestyle. i do not think it has gone your just looking at people who are not really living or believe in the lifestyle, simple as this. Rereading this i realize it is kind of pompous for me saying so. So please, no offense to anyone, and will add your particular lifestyle, for the lifestyle encompasses many areas and everyone has their own perceptions and views. Feeling a bit cheeky at the moment so will add this as well i hope others will find humor in it. Please do not tell me how great you are, if you are great, i will eventually realize this myself, if not, then we do not have the same defined perceptions of greatness. |
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Not sure if people actually read these things knows i do. Thought i would come in and state by me saying i am not wanting a relationship now, does not mean i want your cyber or no strings attach of attempted use of me as a sex slave ect. I am not here for sex, nor am i interested in fly by scenes when you are in the area. If your submissive this is great hope to be friends but i am surely not interested in switching and dominating you online or in realtime. No, i am not venting, simply clarifying since i have been approached all ready with these situations. Am sure more will be added to this lil tidbit of the day, laughs. Oh and no i am not interested in snapping sexy photos for you nor do i cam with strangers. |
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| Age: 25 |
| Southwest,
Florida |
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