Added a video greeting today. Am I still getting reported as a man now?

Scratch that apparently it's not working. Thanks for the people who were kind enough to point it out. I do not know how to fix it, I've written the site and when I go to re-record it, it is able to play back the intro to me.

I'm not so miffed its just me waving, but still I should be in the kitchen.

So last night, my boyfriend showed up with a coil of soft rope from home depo. I got SOOOOOOO excited and then I find out it's cause we were going to pick up a couch. Having a very very frustrated morning and feeling torn again.

Also, gonna put it out there again since its getting ignored. No couples. I don't care if shes in charge or he's in charge or if you're both doms, or already have a sub. I have had terrible experiences with couples and insecure women and I will not deal with it anymore.

"Where is the man who casts the shadow of a mountain. A shadow I fear I cannot peak."

Today's entry is something for the doms who actually read this. I love poking. I love the idea of catching you saying something insincere or making you correct something you've said. It could be as small as "did you mean yesterday Sir?" or perhaps it's your grammar. whatever mistake it is, know I'm looking for it.  If you're going to get annoyed of correcting me for poking, don't bother starting. I am sarcastic and want to memorize every inch of where 'the line' is. This is done by repetitively running into the wall till I have every crevice memorized, not by you cussing and saying things like "if you were mine i'd slap the shit out of you for that."

My next question will be why. The day you actually can back hand me for something stupid, I will still ask why and look you in the eyes as I do. I am not the type that is scared of lines you lay down. I will analyze them and push them like you do my limits. Be prepared for that.

Todays entry will be short and sweet. You should never have to raise your voice to me to scare me, in fact you should only have to say two words  to make me worry. "I'm bored."

This journal is a further update of what I am looking for.

Let me first specify what I mean by athletic. I work out daily. I don't go for a jog, or do yoga at the country club. I train and tumble everyday. If I am more cut than you, I probably am not interested. Not because I am that shallow, think about it logically. Slaves tend to match their owners and I'm not watching my body melt away while you watch TV in the evenings. I've worked everyday of my life to look and be healthy, and I intend to keep it that way. I can run a 5 minute mile, I can do 30 pull ups and stand on my hands until ordered to come down. If you are not at least in that league of "enjoys being active" or "cannot sit down", I cannot spend my evenings with you. I will watch the bruises develop as you order me to sit still and "enjoy the show". Yes I do relax, but when I do I'm walking a museum or reading a book, or walking my cat or practicing spinning fire or designing a new metal shirt or sewing or cooking or dancing or singing or exploring or something. I have hobbies, hundreds of them. You should too. I am not going to be the facet you use to hide from reality with. Also it should be noted that apart from my need to be 'with' somebody, I am not a social person. I do not need to get out of the house, I relish those moment when you're at work and the house is silent and I can go cartwheeling down the halls with no one to see. You should be socially independent and not needing me to fill any gaps. I am a person you should have to make space in your life for, not fill an existing hole with.

That being said I know that to get a 'real' dom IE one with experience (that of trial and error not 'training' or experience in the scene) requires an older dom. Bearing that in mind, the older you are than me, the more impressive you must be. Not for fear of out living you, or anything dramatic but for the paragraph listed above. I've got years of living left to do. If you've already lived, I don't want to hear about it. I'm chomping at the bit to do it myself.

Today's entry is dedicated to defining my personal line between 'kinky' and 'hot'. My grampa (Pop) taught me the joke "whats the difference between kinky and erotic? erotic you use and feather kinky you use the whole damn chicken." I feel as though some of the messages I am receiving are as hilarious as this memory. Let me explain. I am a young, taut, girl who likes lots and lots of kinky things and has tried many of them. But please keep the young and taut in mind when you message me with "I'll keep you plugged all day and night" "I love dilation" or "I don't like lube", you are not attracting me. You are terrifying me. ...And for all you sadists out there, yes I am a masochist.  No I'm not the kind of masochist that gets off on saying 'no, please no more'. There are pains I like, smile when receiving and ask for more of. HOWEVERRRR once again, I am not JUST a masochist. I do not JUST like pain and if you write me telling me of how hard and mean and awful you treat your subs, I will not start swooning.

Today I'm going to try to answer some popular questions to try and save me some time. What type of slave am I? Wish me luck.

Let me start by stating that while I am a masochist, and I have seen sadists, its only the mentalists that have been able to keep my attention and gain true control of me. It goes so much deeper than you giving a command and me choosing to follow it. When you can control me to the point that directing my thoughts is like pulling strings, you can stop worrying about whether or not I will obey. This is part of what I mean when I say true control. That being said, I don't know how to answer when you ask if I've been broken. Lots of Doms have different explanations of the meaning broken. At some point in a relationship I reached the point of feeling complete fealty to my owner, but I never felt broken. There was never some day he took me to the basement with a whip either. There was never a time I felt myself drastically change either. I've never lost myself as a person in sub land...and if you do its unhealthy.

What kinds of punishments am I used to?

Again that depends on what point of my life you check in on. One of my masters had me so mentally wrapped around his pinky that simply telling me I did wrong was enough to bring me to tears. Another was verrry sadistic and I often smile when I think of his 'punishments' which were a lot of situational bondage. I'd be tied suspended by my wrists and ankles in such a position that  if i got tired i could rest on my knees, but he left a pile of uncooked rice where my knees would rest so I'd have to choose between tiring my arms or bruising my knees. I had another who would make me choose how many my mess up was worth and then put that many lines on my ass bruised. 

What sort of extensive training are you referring to?

Posture, and being able to actually remember to sit up. Shouldn't have to be said, but apparently its worth bragging about.

To not act before instruction. Again shouldn't have to be taught, yet your sub continues to sit without being prompted. I don't. I'll stand until invited, and hold it until you tell me to.

Cooking, cleaning, gardening. I can manage up to an 8 bedroom house by myself including the garden ( I've never cut grass, I'm 5 foot though so it might cute) I am used to cooking meals for 5 daily, so I can certainly manage learning one mans menu.

Singing and dancing. A lot of you are rolling your eyes, but I just got so many brownie points with all the goreans out there. I took vocal lessons and all types of dance including ballroom.

Orgasm Control. Got it. Won't slip if you tease me either. Out of practice so it takes me a few minutes now, but can still mentally force an orgasm as well with some sort of physical contact. Can't do it just cause I want to anymore.

Anal. Never done it. Again I'm 5 foot. If you're big you're having trouble getting on the highway, we can talk about back roads later.

Waist Training, Started it, eager to get back to it. Corsets are like permanent hugs...

Why are you looking for a Dom when you have a boyfriend?

Well there's a million dollar question. While I am in a healthy relationship, I am sick of pretending to be a person. I cannot manage being a real person. Not the real stuff like paying bills or getting to work on time, that's rule stuff and slaves are awesome at rules. How do you react when you know a person is faking being nice to to you when you've been trained to always be respectful? What do you do when someone cusses you out, and you've been taught to always strive to put others before you? Its hard to pretend everyone doesn't have two faces, and I'm sick of it. I want back in my place where I know the outcome of every situation and what is expected of me. My boyfriend knows of my collar me account and s and m is a very big don't ask don't tell part of our relationship. There was even a time when we were searching for a Dom to teach my boyfriend to Dom me. that soon narrowed to a search for only a domme and then tapered off searching all together. He is simply not interested in 'adding on' to our relationship and I feel we have peaked. I am happy, but i want something different and we both know it. There was also a point when I left him for a dominant couple in Arizona. I was gone for 3 months, and when it blew up in my face over a jealous wife who didn't know her place, he took me back. He knows I am lacking, missing, wilting for want of control.

Are you and your boy friend still actively working on the relationship? YES we are not just going through the motions with each other pretending to be happy. WE ARE AWARE OF THIS PROBLEM and attempting to fix it. I can't realistically cram 11 years of bdsm knowledge and relationship experience down his throat and I don't do newbs. So we are currently sand barred and struggling but we ARE still trying. Collar me is very much my free space to escape from these problems and seek advice or a better match. If I speak with you and you make an impression on me, perhaps altercations could arise. But please don't email me asking me to ignore this part of my life to focus on getting to know you. If men can own five slaves and schedule their attention, you can deal with the fact that at first you'll need to schedule mine. I have priorities and until you prove you can take control of them, you are not number one. My problems with the relationship fall more in the I'm comfortable bored and not accountable for anything category. If I am not to find a Dom I can love more than the man I am with, then I am to leave s&m and must look within for other answers to fix these control issues.

If you'd like me to update and answer more popular questions, send me more.

More updates: Having a hard time getting writing today, so I guess I'll just list a few things I like. I love pink just as much as knee high combat boots. I have nothing against stilettos as I own 100 pairs, but then again I am just as happy prancing about barefoot. I do not mean to prance, but I am cursed with being overly animated. I'll talk too loud if I am excited and add more and more hand gestures as I go along. Tell me to sit on my hands and I will be quiet, for a minute or two. I love pandas, the animal, or the fashion accessory. I prefer champagne or tequila to drink while partying and red wines or warm sake if it is a social function and I cannot stand beer. I cannot sit still if there swingers singing, Sinatra controls my heart strings even if you have the keys, but I love Abigail Williams and Suffocation just as much (metal bands, for the ones left behind there). I'll sing if you play Tool, In This Moment, Korn, Imogen Heap or Regina Spektor and I'll beg you to turn off your country. I like food in general and all aspects of it. Fine dining, spending days preparing a meal, or finding something new and wacky to try are all things I love and I hate picky eaters. Stephen King is my favorite author, but I will plow through any novel you give me and beg for more. I am deathly shy around new people, dislike meeting large amounts of new people at once and can occasionally suffer from crowd anxiety. I can only claim to be shy the first ten minutes you know me though.

I don't know how many facts about a person you can stomach in a sitting so I'll sign off there today.

Mooooooore Updates: To the Dommes of this site: Apologies for not addressing you sooner, I was unaware there were some of you here doing more than selling your bodies for cam shows. I have never had a Mistress, or served one aside from playing with old Masters Friends. However, I have had millions of fantasies about it.....

Mooooooore updates: I have skipped a few days for which I apologize, I have been discouraged. A few things you you should stop over looking before you message me please

I HAVE A VANILLA BOYFRIEND Is it a perfect relationship, obviously not, I'm here but please know that card is on the table. I'm happy to explain it, but please don't go off telling me how fake and retarded I am because I am here without that taped to my forehead. This is my second mention of him in my profile. Just because you can't read journals, doesn't make me stupid

2ndly. I am NOT lost, scared, abandoned, helpless, running or any of those wotds. I am happy, stable and possibly a bit spoiled from building a very nice life for myself. I don't know where all my hate mailers keep getting this idea I think I am so awesome. I am very very proud, this does not make me more important.

TIPS TO GET ME TO RESPOND TO YOUR FIRST MESSAGE: If it starts out "I am" it gets deleted. I am looking for, I am currently searching, I am not interested in what you think if you cannot read what I've taken hours to put up. try hello, or something more interesting.

and don't follow it with I expect, or I imagine, my subs will. You cannot outline a relationship in conversation. Do not try to make me so small that I fit into a small list of guidelines and rules. I am a rules girl, and love following them, but rules are there for protection and guidance NOT limitation. Include a photo, either of yourself, an artist you like, something cute. I need to get an idea of who I am messaging. And mind you, if I did filter through to your message through all the bull, its because you said something that proved you read my profile, caught my attention or mentioned something of mutual interest. Not because you showed me something sexy, told me you'd do something to me or anything along those lines.

If I did not respond to your message and you feel I should have, TELL ME SO. Nothing gets my attention more than a man who is good at reminding a forgetful sub. Maybe I was rushed when I opened your letter, or maybe I was mailing someone else that morning and focusing else where. You should not need to cuss me out to tell me I overlooked something worthwhile.

Lastly, a dom told me I should learn to say more with less. I think if that was something my dom was interested in he would have fixed and in the future it still might be fixed. Why worry the sub with your problems? I am doing my best to portray my personality, that is not done by cutting down sentences.

Update: I do not want couples or poly. I am sorry and I do not want to hear about it coming from insecurities or lack of self confidence. I want to serve one as one, not as one of many.