Somega13

How I became who I am - The beginning

After talking with someone on the site about blogging to allow people to see further into my life and mind.

I figured the best thing to do would be to start off with some basics of my life. I am one of four boys in my family who started out with one boy and two girl friends in the neighborhood. Nothing out of the ordinary. I didn’t do anything strange or enjoy anything that would be odd. One day I was over at my younger brother’s friend’s house and she was playing with her Barbies I did want to play more with them but would only when I was there, which was not that often. I stuck with my toys that I had which were G.I.Joe, M.A.S.K., and Centurions.

I went into the hospital for appendicitis at the age of twelve. While on the operating table the appendix ruptured causing the doctor to be concerned with me and keep me for 10 days. One of the days there the nurse had a pill for me to take. I had never taken one before and so I explained I could not. After a small argument the nurse brould a suppository and then explained to me what it was.

After coming out of the hospital my interest was peaked by the suppository and had some odd thoughts. I started looking for sexual gratification with clothing catalogs. I then used my imagination to change the models to something that would be objectification but I didn’t know that at the time.

As I started going through my puberty I had two older brothers who had the girlie magazines that I could borrow from the to look at. I would go through Penthouse, Playboy, and Hustler magazines for the most part with maybe a few unnamed types. We would share the magazines and trade off the ones that were our favorites. I had a few over the time that were my favorites before I found my own. Those favorites were not that the girl turned me on or that I found her attractive like that but it was more like how I wanted to be like her. I would start to use the pictures and mild story content in the magazines as a base to who I wanted to be.

Then I saw my first picture of a transgender girl. Now I know many find offense with the way they were portrayed in the porn industry and understand how people would react to them in the same mindset but I believe at the time I combined the two into a new mixture that many would understand. People who lived the straight life would think how strange it was for someone like myself wanting to be with a girl like that while those in the transgender community would call me names of discouragement because of how they were treated and here I was just feeding into it.

I never asked to be this way and yet I can’t go one way or another in any avenue. I am somewhat damned to walk the Earth in this fashioned.

I found my first transgender magazine in my Senior year of high school and hide them in a section away from the other magazines but my brothers eventually found it and asked that their magazines be hidden further away so they didn’t grab mine in the rush state that they have had at times. I slowly stopped grabbing my favorites of theirs and kept mine only.

While I was looking at these I was going out and dating different girls. My first girl was not any bit the type I was looking for and we didn’t really do much since we lived a distance away that would prevent dating at the time.

My second girlfriend was so the type I looked for because she was tomboyish and showed the fact that she was a bit masculine all the time still being feminine in high school. She graduated and it left me with a bit of a vacancy in my heart which a friend took up as an on again, off again, girlfriend that would treat my heart as a mat. Eventually she went her way and I was again looking for someone. I was just getting into computers when I found through a friend someone who was matching up quite well. She was another tomboy type and just what I wanted at the time only to discover she was abusive and after a year and a half of a relationship she and I broke things off when she found out about what I was into. She had found that I was into transgender woman and thought that it was incredibly disgusting. I didn’t hide it and started to look for someone who would fit the want. I dated one more girl who had a lot of good qualities only to be found out to be lying to me. This to me is one thing I cannot accept, especially if it was to see how I would react and then tell me the truth as it was no big deal.

The girl explained how she had an affair with an ex boyfriend. I turned around and told her that an affair is one thing I could not forgive. Then after I stated to her how I didn’t want to be with her anymore she then told me that it was a lie to see my reaction. This was where I finally explained how lying was even worse due to the fact that you were playing with emotions that were not all that stable at the time and rather than talk to me about spicing up our relationship she went with lying to me as an attempt only to see it blow up in her face.

I swore off genetic girls all together thinking that transgender girls would be better for me and my first chance really showed me wrong. When I tried my luck with transgender after I found a place to go on the internet. I found my first transgender girl a few months after I started searching. She was nice and was starting to really work only after a month’s time of talking we decided to meet which then brought in the first of her vices, alcohol. She would go through a full bottle of cheap wine every time I came over. Then another showed when she started doing weed with me there.

We would go out to the clubs ever once and a while to see the sights but I started seeing a pattern because I would drive and she would get drunk and hit on other people only to have me drag her away to get her home. One day we went into a bad part of town and I ended up spending more money than I wanted because she was dealing with shady people. I didn’t understand until after three months of seeing each other I finally found out the worst that she was doing. She had been staying with an ex which I knew from the beginning and he was okay with her dating since he was looking for a guy and she was transforming to female which turned him off. One day while there, she came out of the bathroom and was sitting next to me when he went in and found that she was smoking up more than weed, she was doing crack. Seeing that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for him, he asked if I did this, I told him I didn’t know what it even was. She then started in with him and he asked me to leave.

We spoke after that about her getting help and getting off of the stuff but it all culminated when I got a call which woke my father early on a monday morning. He came up and smacked me on the forehead with the phone and stated that he would break me if this person ever calls here this early again. I spoke with her and she told me that people broke into the apartment and demanded money. Looking at the time and seeing it was five in the morning I could understand my dad’s anger and explained to her I knew who the people were and that I wasn’t going to bail her out this time like I had in the past and didn’t know why I had. I then told her to get help and that she is to stop calling me for money.

Last thing I heard about her was that she was whoring herself out for money. I felt bad because I did want to do more with her but when she was found out she just wanted to go further down the rabbit hole rather than get help.

I ended up turning to the internet again after hearing what went on in the clubs and not really wanting to go back to it. I met a girl who was a post-op transgender and after two meetings got turned off by the constant talk of her surgery. I then realized that Post-op transgenders in my eyes were nothing more than non-genetic females and not what I was looking for, for dating. I could be friends with them but not what I was looking for. I told her and moved on.

I turned to my friends in California that I had met on the chat room and went out for a visit. I ended up getting the most discouraging words from one of them. As I was talking with my friend there she asked what I was looking for and she then said once I was finished, “You might as well find a genetic girl who might just enjoy using a strapon.” She then stated, “What you are looking for does not exist and I should just give up.” I took it to heart and thought I should.

I went on in my life with my thoughts of being who I was and then a devastating event occurred in my life, the death of my father. I had changed my job and was in a dead end job when just as I got use to the job when this happened. I ended up talking with a female friend from work who invited me to a weekend away. We ended up dating for a while and even talked of marriage until I realized what I wanted was not what she was giving me. We ended up in a loveless relationship going through the motions more than anything else. One thing that she said at the beginning of us dating came back at the end and that was her saying that if I wanted her to change her genitalia either real or fake she didn’t want that and the relationship was over. When I brought that up she tried talking me out of it. I finally realized that she had been trying to change me and that the relationship was only created to try to be something I was not for someone who had passed, my father.

I finally became comfortable with who I was but then needed to find where I fit. My brothers would joke with me about how I would make the perfect wife for someone which could come off as an insult but I could see where they were joking since I am a good cook and enjoy that while it being both masculine but feminine at the same time. I do believe I could be a good husband/wife.