slutslouch

Its been a rough go since I moved out but its so worth it. And Mistress and all my friends, family have been so supportive. Seems i have really become more comfortable with who i am. Im not there completely by any means, but lets just say im not "hiding" much and im certainly not hiding behind the computer screen from real life as i was. Real life now is amazing and well REAL! <3

I do struggle with being bipolar and borderline but again have great support and a wonderful amazing "therapist/coach" who just rocks! But most of the answers so to speak are within me and i have to take care of myself first and foremost. As a mom, as a slave, as a friend, daughter, and a human. Thats tough for me.

i am eating better (thanks to Mistress and being broke now lol), I am sleeping better and most of all i am LIVING my life.

I saw a fellow sub/slave post somewhere not too long ago that she was struggling and having just a bad day. Emotionally, mentally and all around. She said in that instance, she felt the need to be more "centered" and she took it upon herself to kneel for a bit. Not ordered, but on her own. I didnt think much of it, until tonight.( Oy this is getting long! lol....)

i had a day of cleaning, etc. Once again got in trouble (lately seems like so much of that :( ) went and did what i was procrastinating and ordered to do, ran errands, came back and put stuff away. And its like i could NOT focus or anything period. Sometimes i am just like that, but i muddle through it. Not tonight, it was worse and much different. Tried to fix the DSL, fail. Tried to do dishes, FAIL. Id get a few mins into something and just couldnt deal. Mistress called, talked to Her (she knew something was wrong damn it), and i fought tears the whole time we talked. The thing is I DONT KNOW WHY and everyone freaking knows i am not talking about it esp if i dont KNOW why! So got off the phone, and just sat here. Felt like crying but couldnt. Still didnt know why. Then my mind wandered back to the kneeling. VOILA!

So ...i did. I slid down to the floor, and knelt like i was kneeling at Her feet. And the tears started. Still unsure why but im learning not to fight them so much. And its interesting, the cat i just got (fostering) finally came out during this ...he was hiding all stinkin day. And then while im kneeling, i am thinking bc of course my mind is racing and i came up with a solution to something. I kneeled prob ten mins or so.

Long story i know but for me this is huge. I am taking it upon myself to try something new in order to CENTER myself and my emotions ...tough stuff...everyone knows me as the lil bratty bitch in chat...but kneeling tonight? I was that vulnerable yet confident slave of Hers, proud and just needing to be.

So now, i can focus. Now the cat gets fed (lol). Now, i fix that problem, and i also think ive fixed the DSL again. Dishes are done. i am sitting here tearing up because ive never in all my years of "exploring" the lifestyle have felt this way.