Sllim1973

Shortly after my last entry I met a lady.  She was a vanilla lady and our relationship was very... vanilla.  I left her recently.

You know what sucks?  Leaving someone that is not a total prick.  We have all had those relationships where the other person was a jerk and the sooner we got out the better.  In those relationships it is easy to say, 'Hey, I'll call you.'.  And when she starts crying to be like, 'Ow, sucks to be you.'.  You know who I am talking about.  I am talking about the sort of significant others that cheat on us, demean us in a uncool way (you know, to her friends and family) and such. 

That is most certainly NOT what this last relationship was.  This last one was the opposite of that.  She is a good person.  She never treated me badly.  But after 6 months, she wasn't what I needed.  It was never going to go there.  I wanted to be madly in love.  This was more like a girlfriend.  It really, really, really hurt to break things up with her.  Me saying that probably would not make her feel better.  Cause I know that I hurt her a thousand times more then that.  At the end of the day I have to be true to myself, and this wasn't it.  God it sucks having to do that.  I wish there was an easier way, I am just not the sort of human being whose nature it is to do things like that.  That sort of human being works in management. 

Anyways here I am.  She was very vanilla.  I thought I would stop by this world and say, 'Hidee-Ho!' and see what you people are up to.  I miss the non-vanilla people in the world.

Holidays are coming up and my FAVORITE holiday of the year TurkeyDay is almost upon me!

Christmas is cool, don't get me wrong, but nothing compares to Thanksgiving.  Maybe I am lucky but I have a family that gets along when we are together.  It is a stress free day where I get to hang out with my family, play with my cousin and just generally enjoy being alive.

Christmas is good too, but Christmas has all that extra stress hanging over it.  Buying gifts, sending cards, Places you have to be Christmas day.  By the time Christmas rolls around I feel like I am ready for it to be over.

Bottom line, we have irreconcileable (I think I butchered that word) differences.  Not a bad thing, not a good thing, just a thing.   Sometimes people are simply not right for each other, that is what happened here.

And THAT boys and girls put me back to square one. 

I learned a lot about who I am and what I want in this last relationship.  I learned that the bloody obvious is not always bloody obvious.  I learned that this entire BDSM thing is a complicated affair and everyone seems to want something different in it.

So what did I learn about what I want?

I want a life where there is playtime and then there is everything else.  Playtime can be pretty much anytime at all.  Seriously I can be one kinky dude.  Playtime can be when one of us wears a certain garment it has a special meaning.  Playtime can be over the phone, it can be unique, it need not be restricted or tied down (well I suppose the tied down thing isn't all bad) to a time or place.

However, things that are not playtime are simply not playtime.  I want a normal more vanillia relationship in those aspects.  It is extremely important to me that a lady has a mind on her shoulders.  Without regard to if she is sub/Dom/whatever I want an opionated lady, someone who feels strongly about things, someone that is passionate.  But I also want her to understand that the way I see the world need not be how she sees the world.  I don't consider my opinions to be correct (wether they be religious, political or anything) but by the same token I don't consider hers to be correct either.  She needs to be able to accept that, that our understanding of the world around us isn't bound by this sub/Dom thing, the sub/Dom thing is the kinky world and that is all.

I want someone that is willing to share the responsibilities of a relationship with me.  She should not be looking for someone to do absolutely everything.  If the Lady in my life is better at some task then I would like her help, if I am better at a task then I would expect that my help would be welcome. 

Now for that tricky question of if I am a sub/dom whatever.....

The lady I was with it was extremely important to her that we drew a line and I picked a side, so I did so.  The truth is that my submissive side is something that I want to explore.  But I also have a side to me that is dominant.  I don't believe in topping from the bottom, but if I found the correct submissive lady we could be quite a couple.

So here I am.  Today is the day.  I have been talking to my Domme for 2 hours a day pretty much every day since August 1st.  We have sent cards and gifts back and forth.  But we are very far away from each other.

Tomorrow morning around 2 am that changes.  I get in the car and with any luck somewhere around 10 hours later I will get to see her.  I will get to stand before her and behold her beauty with my own eyes.  I will get to kneel at her feet and find out if I am acceptable.  We will be more then a disembodied voice and a picture to each other.

Am I a little scared?  Yeah a bit.  But so what, this all seems sooooooo right.  I can't explain how I feel, I just feel so differently about her then any other lady I have ever met.  There is something there, something real.

Heres to fate.  Whish me luck.

It is 9/11.  I am in a very reflective mood.  I have a lot to say about this day. 

A certain person (my loving Domme) that I care about very much has already read some of this, but I beg her find your way down to the 2nd half of this entry there is some new stuff I didn't put in your email.

I was having trouble sleeping.  I was trying to sleep, I had managed a couple of hours, but I had woken up again (I work nights and sleep days).  I signed onto my PC and checked my email.

It was then that I got the damndest strange email I had ever seen. I was on a email list that I don't belong to anymore.  I am the consumate aviation buff.  Always happy to answer questions in aviation and to poke holes in misnomers when I come across them.

Some doofushead on the list had sent an email saying that a passenger jet had just hit the WTC.

I remember laughing at the email.  He was obviously confused.  And he should be forgiven, hell the media might even be confused.  Airliners DO NOT hit large buildings in the middle of NYC.  Now a small plane might, a commuter plane (prop) possibly - but anything big enough to have jet engines on it... there are all kinds of reasons why this is fully unlikely.

So I wrote up a reply.  I took care not to demean the original writer and to offer some alternatives to what may be happening.

I almost hit the send key when I had a thought.

I tried to hit www.cnn.com
www.CNN.com simply failed to load.  www.yahoo.com - yep that failed to load too.

But I could get to other smaller nonnews websites without a problem.  My internet connection wasn't down, www.fileplanet.com was exactly where it was supposed to be, so was www.easynews.com.

But anything that was news related - no dice.

I turned on the news on the TV.

I remember not even believing what I was seeing.  It was just such an aweful feeling.  The stuff I had written in that email were all true things.  I knew deep down inside that this wasn't an accident.  I didn't know what it was, but this simply was not an accident.

Then I saw the 2nd plane hit.

I knew.  I knew it was terrorism.

I got no sleep that day at all. 

...........................................

I want to add something else.

Canada really stepped up to the plate that day, us Americans owe them our grattitude.

From the perspective of aviation we didn't know our asses from a hole in the ground.  And honestly, can you blame us?

We had airliners that were coming in from all over the world that didn't have the fuel to turn around and go back to where they came from.  They were going to land on the North American continent one way or another.  As a country we were in no state to take those planes.  We desperetly needed our skies cleared, but we could not ignore those airliners. 

Canada stepped up to the plate.  They took those flights for us and allowed them to land in Canada.  Canada didn't have to do that, God knows they had to worry about there own security. 

But you Kanuks, you did it anyways.  God Bless ya for it.

Great Britain, I have always felt like Great Britain was like an older Brother that we haven't always gotten along with.  Occasionaly you get into your scraps, but when times are tough you are there for each other.

Great Britain really showed us the love.  I will never forget the Queen of England requesting the Star Spangled Banner be played.  Incredible.  Better friends we have never had.

And the small man in the US. 

Thing about Americans that the rest of the world doesn't quite understand, we love bickering, but we love each other even more.  Funny how the best of times can come from the worst of times.

I feel like I am so far away, I want to be there for her so badly I can taste it.  I want to be the submissive she needs, someone to rub her back when she comes home, someone to lend an ear when she needs to vent, someone to (attempt) to make dinner for her because she is tired.  I want to have her bed ready for her and some candles lit.  I want her to know that I am there for her, always thinking about her, always caring.

We are so far apart right now it drives me mad.  Makes me sad.

Soon my loveing Domme, soon.

And I pray that on the outside of the envelope is correct postage.

You people can email if you want and take guesses as to what it is, but I am not giving it up.  I mean, how do I know you are not running reconnesaince for her?

The people at Collarme certainly know how to keep a submissive on his toes.  This entire 'journal entries won't be visible until approved' thing is enough to get a submissive in a lot of trouble.  I hope this one gets approved before a certain Dom looks at my profile.  My ass is on the line....

You know what is funny.  Over the years I have dropped a pretty penny on other dating sites, some BDSM specific, others not so.  I shudder to think of how much money I spent.  It's funny cause when I finally met a Dom that can really press my buttons it came from here, a free site.  Pretty incredible if you ask me.

Since I met my Dom 'Why hello Ma'am.', I have been thinking a lot about the things that have led up to this moment.  I have been thinking about the different things that apeal to me about this lifestyle.  I gotta say, it really is a multifaceted thing.  There are so many sides, so many different avenues one can take with this thing we call BDSM.  Enough to make your head spin.

You know, I have a lot to say about this.  But I am not ready to say it yet.  I have much more to learn.  I have much growing to do yet.  That process excites me.  I find myself wondering what new and exciting things await around the corners.  I wonder if when I finally do get a chance to partake in all my dirty little fantasies if they will live up to my dreams, or if they are better left in the back of my mind. 

For me, right now, this very moment - 7am - tired as all out and writing this journal entry, my favorite part of BDSM has to do with those dirty little fantasies.

I don't know if this is the same for all the other subs the world over, of if I am somehow different.  But all of my life I have had many, many fantasies I have wanted to come true.  Most of them involve fetish of some sort.  I find I have very little 'vanilla' fantasies.  A good portion of them break socities taboos.  Breaking those taboos, that is the problem.  I have often found myself on the edge of that precipice, looking over the edge of it and backing away.  I imagined myself coming clean to others about the naughty little things rattling around in my skull and being drummed out of the little town I live in. 

That is where being a submissive is most wonderful.  The responsibility of making that decision is taken off my shoulders.  When my Dom tells me to do something and it is forced crossdressing or forced bisexuality or such it is no longer up to me.  It is up to her.  The gift that she is giving me is taking away from me the burden of choosing wether I do these things or not.  She is standing behind me and pushing me in.  The gift that I give her is that I do these things without protest, without thinking about them.  Often times they will not be my fantasies but hers.  Occasionaly it won't be something that floats my boat.  But that is the price I pay. 

I like that, I find it a real turn on.

I have come a long, long way. And you know, where I stand now, I kind of like the view. I have a long way to go yet, but somehow I don't mind.

I have met someone, someone that is pretty incredible. 6 months ago, hell 6 weeks ago I doubted her existence. See, deep down inside I have always known that I was submissive. And I have always known that I needed to meet a Lady who not only wasn't new to the scene, but was also a Dominant. Of course that isn't really good enough, not by a long shot. Cause what I am really looking for is a relationship - a relationship with all of the trappings, including kinky-twisted-evil sex. When I thought about who I wanted, the sort of person I wanted to meet just in vanilla terms and then said to myself that I also wanted her to be Dominant it just felt almost too heavy a burden to bear. I have had my look around the scene and what I had seen was not encouraging. If you were Male you were expected to be dominant, if you were female you were expected to be sub. If you fell into that category then you would probably be all right. There seemed to be enough to go around, if you fell into those slots.
However, Female Dominants were pretty rare. Well not rare so much as in high demand. And out of those Female Dominants there are a fair number who are strictly into other women. That leaves submissive men, submissive men seemed to outnumber Dominant Females by such a huge margin that a Lady could make a nice salary by going Pro-Domm for $250/hour.

And on top of that I wanted to add all these vanilla qualities cause I wanted a relationship.

So I searched my soul again. I decided that a compromise was needed. If I could be a Dom then this problem went away. It took me a while to convince myself that I wanted to Dom. But it is funny, cause after convincing myself of that I lost total interest in the subject of Domming and immediatly changed my focus back to subbing.

Funny the way stuff works out.

So 2 weeks ago I get a note from a Lady here on Collarme. It was one line long. It read, 'Are you owned?'

I am gonna tell you it freaked me out just a bit. When I looked at her profile I really liked what I saw. She was perfect, she was really cute, hell downright hot. She was into many things that I had fantasized about but was too shy to mention previously. And when I talked to her she turned out to be incredibly smart and charming. We talked about interests and we were intune with each other on all kinds of things.

I am still in a state of shock. I feel like I have been working so hard at this. I really feel like I have spent a lot of time spinning my wheels. And then just out of nowhere 'Bamm' she falls out of the sky right into my lap.

I won't get to physically meet her until September, near the end of September at that. That drives me nuts.

And to that wonderful Lady that I have had the late night phone calls with I promise you this. I will work hard for you. I will work hard at the kinky side, being a proper submissive and learning all that you will teach me. I will also work hard at the more vanilla side of things. Romancing you, winning your heart and sweeping you off your feet. There are many things in life I take for granted, this is not one of them.

I got a couple of entries to make.  First I want to start with how NOT to handle a blind date.  

I was utilizing a internet dating service around Christmastime last year when I stumbled upon this cute girl out of Towson Maryland.  We exchanged 2 emails when she emailed me in a panic about not having a date for a Christmas party that was coming up that week.  Well this alone seemed odd to me.  I mean, normally I get a chance to talk to someone over the phone before we talk about going out.  There is a proper order of things and this girl was screwing that up.

But then again I consider myself to be pretty laid back, and she was cute and she didn't smoke so I was like, what the hell.  You need a chaperone for your little party lets go to town.  Well girlfriend had an alterior motive.  See, we had a blizzard being predicted for the night of the party.  It wasn't a chaperone she needed so badly, it was transportation.  I (unbeknownst to her) have a 4 wheel drive car, so I shrugged off the weather event.

So the night of the party comes.  We get the snow just as predicted.  In fact it was snowing pretty hard.  I am very nervous.  Christmas party things like this are not the kind of environment that I am comfortable in to begin with, as a first date scenerio it is something of a nightmare.  I was scared to death.  My opinion of first dates is they should be low pressure sort of things, coffee at borders - that sort of thing.  This was the opposite of that.

 And to make things worse I was gonna drive 45 minutes into a town that I know a bit but find a house that I had no clue where it was.  What is worse is that she had indicated that she was a bit of a stickler for being ontime.  That if she was late for the party the world would stop spinning.  I figured that between the snow and not knowing where she lived this girl should consider herself lucky if I find her at all.

But I left plenty early anyways.

And (surprisingly) I had little trouble finding her place.  In fact I was early.  Early and scared to death.  

So I am sitting in my car, early and scared, working up the courage to go to the door.  My car is a soft top so in a situation like this I either have to have the engine running or it gets cold real fast.  The car getting cold was a hell of a motivator.

I knocked on her door, I was 15 minutes early and just like a lady she wasn't ready.

When we got to the party we were early for that as well.  I was rather pleased with myself, Mother nature had done her worst and I had managed to pick up the girl and get to the party early.  I Be 'da man.

At the party we had a good time.  I was very nervous, I don't really dance much, I didn't know anyone, I barely knew who my date was - but I promised myself I would brush it aside and do my best.  And that I did.  To this day I feel like I did an admirable job.  Hell, the way I see it, she OWED me a normal date.  But that is neither her nor there.

So towards the end of the date we began teasing each other with secrets.  You know, the sort of thing where you look into the other persons eyes and begin to wonder about the things she has seen and done, and the things that she is not apt to talk about.  Those sort of things.

I began to wonder to myself if this could be a real relationship blooming.  Of course that lead to the thought of wether this girl would be strictly vanilla or if she had a kinky side.  She was holding her cards very close to her chest on this and I didn't have a clue.

Well we are driving home and she is riding me hard about this secret thing.  I am telling her that I am simply not comfortable talking about it.  That it is not a first date sorta thing, and that only after I got to know her would I give it up.  But I assured her that I was incapable of keeping my trap shut about things and that at some point I would tell her.  She would have to sit tight.

 Her curiosity was peaked and she began making promises that she wanted to know and that she wasn't that sort of person to hold it against me.  After a few rounds of this I broke down.  I was like, screw it, she probably has a kinky side, she is probably pushing so hard cause she wants me to give up my end first.  So I relented and told her about the BDSM thing, my new found fascination.  All the while getting more and more of a negative reaction from her.

I tried explaining to her that I have had vanilla relationships all during my 20's and if she thinks that I have to have things this way she was wrong.  But she wasn't listening.

I dropped her off and to my dissapointment there was no good night kiss, not even a walk to the front door. I felt used big time.  But there was nothing I could do about it.

Later on I got an email from this chick.  In the email she had the audacity to tell me that I should never be early to pick up a lady.  And as far as she was concerned I was a complete loss at that moment.  She said in the email she had just gone through the moves, but couldn't believe that I would be so niave as to be at her house early.

 You know what has always struck me funny about this?  That she thinks that cause I am a little kinky I have issues.  From where I sit this poor girl is looking for a perfection that simply isn't out there.  If it is that unnaceptable for a date to be early that a blizzard isn't a good reason then I can't imagine the pressure she puts on her partners.  Must be awful. 

Go ahead and slap me, I am gonna cover a subject I know nothing about.  Hey at least honesty is one of my faults.

 I was talking to a very smart man about a year ago.  He told me something that is as true of a statement as I have ever heard.  He was explaining to me how there are all these sub genres of kink out there.  There are the lesbians, the gays, the straights, there are transsexuals (pre and post op), there are crossdressers (never to be confused with gays or trans), there are those into control, there are those that get off on poly, some people get off playing horsey, some just simply want pain, others pleasure?  I suppose it takes all kinds to make the world go around.

Thing is, he said, all these people ? they tend to hang in these cliques, they seem to hate each other.  He said that you can put someone in a room that is a 24/7 BDSM control freak with some dude that just wants to play, and watch the fur fly.  Mr. 24/7 doesn?t think Mr. part time has any business in his territory, Mr. part-time thinks Mr. 24/7 is a total nutcase.

 But you gotta take a step back, he told me.  Cause as a group we are outnumbered 10 to 1 by the ?normal people?.  And those normal people? They don?t see any distinctions in us.  They plop us all together in the same box.  The ones that hate us cause we are different, they hate us equally.  They make no distinctions.

 So what is the deal with all the fighting?

 I am hitting this subject cause the local mailing list I read recently got on a discussion on a local swingers club.  Good lord.  There were some people with some hostile feelings.  Others pointed out that the swingers club does have fetish night occasionally, but what struck me was the peeps that were trying to tell everyone that this swingers club isn?t the place they are looking for.

Just another random though.

The formatting is enough to drive me MAD though.  I am looking at an alternative to doing some sort of daily (okay maybe twice or three times a week till I get bored) journal/blog that would be off this site.  Anyone that likes what I have written might be well served to read it when I have put it up.

Till then, I will do my best to not allow the formatting get the best of me.

I was IM'ing with a woman the other day and we were chatting about being a Dom/Switch sorta person.  She was explaining to me that she is definetly a sub, but she enjoys occasionally Domming.  I was chatting about how I came to the conclusion that my personality is definetly inclined to be a Dom, but I am wholly fascinated by trying the sub thing.

Thing is, and I can't stress it enough, I truly don't have any experience.  This whole scene thing is this thing that has haunted my sub-conciousness for as long as I can remember.  I spent the first 30 years of my life ignoring it, denying it and being embarassed by it.  It wasn't until last year that I gave it it's day in court.  When I did so it exploded from my sub-conciousness into the concious.  That experience was an uneven blend of confusing and scarring.

When I joined Alternative Expressions, a Yahoo group that runs out of Harrisburg PA I was confronted by a lot of people whom had one all important question for me 'So what are ya?  Dom, sub, switch?'.

I honestly didn't know how to answer these people. 

The path I had taken that had lead me to there little munchs had begun with a single session with a Dominant Mistress.  It was a moment where I had said 'screw it'.  I threw all caution to the wind and decided that I had to know what the deal was with this thing that had been clawing at the inside of my brain for my whole life.
I got on Google and did a search for
'Mistress' to see what turned up.

On one hand I knew that this was not the correct direction for me to take.  I didn't know much (oh good lord, what I didn't know....) but I knew enough to realize that any sort of D/s relationship that I would ever have in my life had to be just that, a relationship.  Even if I did find someone that didn't rob me blind (I was very scared of this possibility) and even if this person knew what she was doing (does the red cross offer certification in this?) and even if I did enjoy the 'event' I knew that I could not afford to (emotionally and financially) to continue to see this person.  This would be a one shot deal. 

On the other hand.  I was 30 years old and I had never managed to mouth the words 'I wanna tie you up and spank you like the bad girl I know you are.' out of my mouth.  Oh I had managed to think them many, many times.  But my cluelessness with it was a sobering thought.  I had enough problems with relationships, I didn't need some woman to think I was a freak or to get worked up for something that I had no clue on how to deliver.

Besides, if I couldn't say 'I wanna tie you up and spank you like the bad girl I know you are.'.  Then how the hell am I supposed to get the idea across to her that I wanted to be her dog and if she wanted to drip hot wax on my balls I wouldn't say no?

All kidding aside.  I decided to look someone up and go for it.  Screw it, I would do it once and I would either love it, or I wouldn't.  When I was done it would be one more experience I could chalk up.

To say I got lucky doesn't even begin to scratchthe surface of what happened.  I could have ended up in so many bad situations it makes my mind do loops.  I ended up in the living room of a wonderful lady whom between her and her husband have many years as a D/s couple.  She asked all the right questions, she took charge. 

The experience blew my mind.  When I look back at it and think about how that experience will weigh itself on my life from there on out I wonder if things weren't a little better before I did it.  Better in a less complicated ignorance is bliss sorta way.

So there I am at the munchs in Harrisburg having people come up to me and asking me just what the hell it was I thought I was.  Even though I had enjoyed my one experience thoroughly I knew that I didn't have a clue. 

Took me a couple of months to figure it out.  Funny thing was when I eventually put my finger on it my reasoning had nothing to do with the scene.

I asked myself one day, 'What is the single most rewarding part of white water rafting?'.   This is a favorite activity of mine.  I have been doing it since I was 14.

The answer I came up with is this.  I love it when I get 3 or 4 friends together that have never done it before.  I then take them up the the mighty Yough, plop them in a raft, reassure them that 'yes, this is the most fun you can have while wearing a wet pair of shorts.' and guide them down the river.

There are a lot of pieces to that experience.  Some of it is control.  For the next 3-5 hours my 'crew' will pretty much do whatever damn thing I tell them to.  There is also the bonding that occurs when a bunch of people in a raft come to the sudden realization that there lives are in there own hands. 

The most satisfaction that I get out of the experience is the feeling I get from the knowledge that regardless of what these individuals think, they are not in over there heads.  That I have the experience and skill on this river to get them to the take out safely.  That all hell will break loose.  We very well might flip the raft.  Hell, we might flip it a couple of times.  But because of my very intimate knowledge with this stretch of water these people will have a good time, they will all walk off the river at the take-out point and they will have stories to tell.

I love that feeling about rafting more then anything.

As I sat in those munchs and it sunk into my head that the same damn thing can apply with the scene, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt what I was.

Hi Kids!

Another journal entry.  Please forgive me for the layout of the last entry.  This journal system that CollarMe.Com has isn't the friendliest for doing paragraphs.  I had it all layed out properly but when it hit the net it was all thrown out together.

If you see a strange charcter that is a test.  It is the HTML mark for a paragraph beginning.  When I look at this entry I should know with certintuity how to space out paragraphs in this bad boy. 

Till then I will go with double carrige returns.

Okay where to start.

This whole BDSM thing, the whole 'scene' thing (that is what I will call it from here on out), I feel a certain way about it and it is very contrary to my general nature.

I feel like I have my face pressed up against a glass window and I am looking in.  I feel like that for my whole life that is how I have been about this scene.

That is contrary to my personality in 2 different ways.

The first is that I have always been the sort of person to eye something up and then go get it.  If I found that achieving it through a direct route was out of reach, then I would find an indirect route.
I have 8 hours as a student pilot.  Financialy flying is completly out of reach for me.  So what have I done?  I have ground crew for a hot air baloon, I study up on aviation every chance I get.  I do everything I can to keep myself 'in the loop'. 

So why have I been so satisfied with looking in through that glass?

I think I know why, it is shameful, and it is also counter to my personality.

I think I have been too worried about what people would think about me.  Yup.   There I said it.

This also isn't like me.  I was a teenager during the late 80's.  I was very into the whole 'punk' movement.  Thing was, I didn't dress the part and I didn't act the part.   Often I would meet people, they would have the green mohawks, they would be wearing the shitkickers, there first reaction was to sneer at me.  They lived to beat the hell out of people like me.

But time and time again the most screwed up thing would happen.  We would start talking.   After a while they realized that it wasn't that I could talk the talk, it wasn't even if I could walk the walk.
It was that I was choosing not to.  I understood what they were about, the same things that made them tick made me tick.  But I so didn't give a crap about the kinds of clothes I wore, I so didn't give a crap about what other people did, that I had chosen not to walk the walk.  I would talk the talk when it pleased me.

In short, I was hardcore, hardcore, hardcore punk, and I refused to show it.
The people that were real punks, when they realized this they would respect it.  They realized that I was making my own statement, in a truly different fashion from how they made theres.

The point I am trying to make is that I have never worried about what other people think about me.  My philosiphy has always been that if I am real, if I am honest with myself, if I am sincere in the things I want to achieve, if I am smart - these things will weed out the people who are so shallow they cannot be bothered with me from the people who are interesting and worthy of my time.

You can disagree if you want, but I have a hard time seeing what is so different about me being self concious about 'the scene' and my attitude about what people think of me.

I think I like the idea of keeping a journal of some type here.
Maybe it will encourage someone to get to know me?
You never know about these things.

Can't hurt, at least I don't think so, then again, isn't getting hurt, in some way the point to this?

A little bit about me.
I am a very open person.  I believe in absolute honesty. 
I do not believe in perfection.

As far as the BDSM scene is concerned, it is easy and hard for me to explain what I want.
What I want is to try it all.  Everything.  I want to be a slave, I want to be in charge.  I want to be on both ends of the whip.  I want to ask myself 'What have I gotten myself into?'.  I want to learn more about me, but more importantly I want to learn more about someone else. 
I want to be the catalyst.  I want to go through the change.
I want to look into someones eyes and know more about that persons soul then they know about themselves.
I want that person to do the same to me.

How does one achieve this?
Beats me.
God knows I am open to suggestions though.

I have decided that the proper way to handle this thing is in the same way that I handled rafting.

One of my favorite activities is white water rafting.  When I was 14 I did my first river, the Youghigeny out of Ohiopyle PA.  In the scheme of things the mighty Yough is a beginners river.
You wouldn't know it though.

That bugged me.  If the Yough was a beginners then what was a more advanced river like?

So I started working my way up the ladder.
I did the Cheat.
I did the Upper Yough.
I conquered the Gulley.

In the course of 10 years time I started with what is a widly respected, but still classified beginners river, and worked my way up to the 'You are gonna do what?  Can I have your computer when you drown?' river on the East Coast.

Know what I learned?

I love the Yough.  As God as my witness I would rather take a bunch of friends on the Yough any weekend of the summer then any other river on the planet.
And because I have those other things under my belt I am very satisfied with that.

That is what I want from this.

I want to be satisfied.  I want to know what it is that makes me tick.  But I want the satisfaction of knowing that I have tried the other things.