A SUBS DOUBLE BIND......
I wanted to touch on a topic that has been churning over in the inner recesses of my mind.
When a sub attempts to "court" or enter a power exchange relationship there is a high risk of non-consensual abuse. A double bind exists in the mind of sub when with a responsible domme and certainly exists in a very real way with an irresponsible domme.
A sub can be all to eager to worship, serve, spoil and be submissive to a domme right away to establish he is a worthy submissive. In order to do this the sub places extraordinary trust in the domme.
This situation can expose the sub to real abuse. An irresponsible domme, can quickly become an opportunist or predator and take advantage of the situation. The sub can be used and abused in ways the sub never intended.
I unfortunately experienced this awful scenario first hand a number of months ago. This happened when I was asked to do certain things I was lead to believe was for one reason, but turns out is for another wholly different and abusive reason. If I had known the true reasons I never would have consented.
However, it is my wish to focus on the double bind that is purely in a sub’s mind that can even occur with the most responsible of dommes.
If I may divulge in a personal manner- When I am in the first few encounters with a domme I suffer internal conflict. In operation is my desire to show a willingness to give up power and be submissive, something that requires trust, while at the same time I have a desire to protect myself from being improperly taken advantage of and in accordance with that act respectful but assertive or non-submissive if you will. However, I fear, as I assume other subs fear, that if I don’t act submissive right away I will be dismissed by the domme as being an unworthy sub.
To be sure, there are dommes that are cognizant of such conflict and attempt to accommodate this mental “double bind.” However, I have seen numerous profiles on this site and other bdsm sites that either state expressly or imply a demand for immediate submissiveness. With such prevalence, it could be argued that the bdsm community sees such demands as acceptable. Is anyone concerned about these demands for such high levels of trust in such early stages?
It has always been my belief that the bdsm community solidly and squarely rests on consent. Without consent, power exchange relationships and bdsm would be abhorrent, criminal and truly abusive.
A demand for immediate trust and subservience may unduly jeopardize true consent and flirt with an objectionable line in bdsm. At the same time, one of the bdsm communities more enduring qualities is that it is non-judgmental. That is to say, that if a sub believes in the innate superiority of another sex or person that we should not judge, stop or concern us if they desire to put their blind trust at the feet of another despite the potential risk for abuse. But, is this “to each their own” compartmentalized thinking sufficient to eliminate concerns of consent, and therefore abuse?
Are there ways to reduce the mental “double bind” and safeguard consent when dealing with a desire for immediate subservience? Other thoughts?
Disclaimer:
- To the dommes I converse with semi-regularly, rest assured I am not referring to any of you in the above discussion.
- Side note: Of course there are pockets in bdsm where you have a “pre-consent” of sorts, for example when a domme pushes the limits and boundaries of a sub. But, in that scenario at least some building blocks of trust have been laid, and therefore differentiates itself from an un-built and immediate trust and subservience.
