slavetodragon

Female Submissive, 26, Dallas, Texas

Female Submissive, 22

Male Submissive, 47, long beach, California

Someone asked me what drives my submission, if I believe I "deserve" it.? Here is the answer for all the world to see.? No.? I don't "deserve" anything.? Because that implies that my submission can be stopped, ended, taken away if I am found unworthy.? And that is not the case at all.? My submission is an integral part of who I am.? It is in my nature to give of myself to others, to assist, to soothe, to ease their way.? I was giving in to others demands/wants/needs long long before I ever put together the letters B, D, S, and M.? Do I enjoy kink?? Yes, very much so.? Do I take the submissive role in those encounters?? Always.? But no relationship of mine with ever, ever be solely based on kink, or sex.? That's play, not a relationship.? And my submission, my long- term submission goes much, much deeper than that.? So let me turn this question around.? Do you deserve what I have to offer?? Because in the end, what I offer is myself.? Not to fall to your whims, or wear what you want, or to speak only when you allow it.? But to know you and help you when you've had a hard day and to know and satisfy your needs before you even know that you need something.? What I offer is sweet and tender and bold and bratty and beautiful like the dawn and sweeping like a forest fire.? What I offer is love.? And no one can deserve that.? But we can build on potential to make something great and everlasting.? And occasionally have really hot sex.

So the snow is gone, the sun is out (mostly) and the theatrical production at school is all done.? All signs that I can now rejoin the world and have a social life again.? :-)

Only have one thing to say.? This fucking snow needs to go die.? *angry face*

So.? Just got a message from a guy who spelled erotic with two 'R's.'? My brother-in-law saw it and shouted 'err-or, error!'? then proceeded to ask if that was when you got turned on by the blue screen of death.? Perhaps this is only hilarious when you're tired and find geek humor amusing like I do, but I cracked the fuck up.? :-P?

Today I discovered that I have five different lipsticks that all look great on me.? Two pinks, two rose, and one 'my lips should be around your cock' red. On another note, I have to go out of town to go to a funeral so will be (theoretically) incommunicado for the next week or so.? :-(

It is just recently that I have realized the beauty of submission for what it is.? It is a part of me, a piece of myself that I will one day give to someone else.? There is an inner strength in knowing and recognizing that.? And I acknowledge that I have not found all my limits yet, but to be able to know that those limits are within myself to find, not to be laid down as law by another, is heady stuff.? There is power and strength in submission that cannot be taken away by any Dom/me, because it is the strength of someone knowing themselves well enough to be able to offer themselves fully to another.? And it is important to realize what is true submission of self, and what is just enjoyment of kink and fetish.? For myself, this true submission will come when I can kneel at another's feet and know that I am the loved and cherished lesser half of a whole.? And the time for kink will come and go behind closed doors, but I will always, ALWAYS, give of myself to Him.

I suppose I should make it clear why I ask that you please be below the age of 36.? It is not because I have a problem with older men.? It is because I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, not someone who will leave me long before my own time has come.

Two journal entries in one night, mostly because they are about two different topics.? I was reflecting the other day about why I broke up with my most recent vanilla boyfriend, and I realized part of why it is that I NEED a Dom instead of just any old vanilla guy. I have a relatively small comfort zone, and if it were up to me, I would stay firmly entrenched in it.? A Dom would have no qualms about pushing me to try new things, and not letting me stay nice and cozy, whereas I find vanilla guys are just too nice to be as firm as I need.

*sigh* sometimes I hate living in a crappy college neighborhood.? It's been so nice out lately that my summer aversion to shoes is coming back, but with all the drunk kids breaking bottles everywhere, I can't.? Maybe I'll take a trip to the beach this weekend....

What is sexy? Sexy is standing in the rain as you push me up against the hood of your car, tearing my shirt as you kiss me with no intention of stopping

This goes right along with my previous journal entry.? It's a piece of writing that I did last semester, that's fairly long, but I hope it'll give you guys out there some insight into who I am, how I feel, and why my independence is so treasured. Truth and Honesty above all else, even that which is unpleasant.? That which I want to shy away from.? I wear the rings on my left ring finger to remind myself of that.? To show vanilla society that I have a commitment to someone special.? They just don't know that the someone is myself.? I wear the collar the I made myself.? The weight of it reminds me that I belong to myself.? One day I will remove the rings, and the collar, and allow someone else to place their marks.? But until that day comes, I am my own. For 19 years I have drifted on the river of life, letting it carry me where it will.? The path is has take me down is lined and limited by the concrete of society.? I need to stop letting the current carry me and stand.? So many times I've tried, but my feel have been swept from under me, for the current is very strong.? Now is different though, for I have learned.? Truth and Honesty above all else, even the unpleasant. The unpleasant muck at the bottom of the river, made up of all my unpleasant experiences and memories.? Before I tried to skim above it, but now I'm sinking my feet in and wiggling my toes.? Every bad experience that has turned me into the cringing girl I am will help me stand strong and tall.? They ground me in the emotional sense, just as the rings and collar ground me in the physical sense. But it's not easy.? Right now I'm on my hands and knees and the water is blinding me, drowning me.? I refuse to go back to being that girl though.? The girl that wanted to run from fights and arguments, to please everyone around her.? To be everything that society expected, a strong, independent woman with ambition and drive.? Before now, I've never had the strength to say "THAT'S NOT ME!"? I still don't.? I'm still trying.? Before, every time I failed, I'd wish for a magic fairy to pick me up and make me stand without the hurt and pain and tears that I'm going through now.? And I could have that.? I could find a Dom and bow to their will.? I'd move from a river guided by society to one guided by that Dom.? But I'd just be a puppet.? A false imitation of what I could truly become.? It would not be a submission of my mind, heart, body and soul, for how can I surrender that which I do not truly know yet? I hope to find friends here.? Others that may be struggling as well, or others that want to help me when I fall.? Because although letting someone takeover and own my body (for that is all they would get right now) is unacceptable, leaning on people from time to time is perfectly all right.? And perhaps, once I stand and accept the muck and the clean water together, accept that with the highs there will be lows and for every action there may be a consequence for me to face, I can take that step.? I can find that as yet faceless Dom and step, not be carried, into His river.?? I can freely give him my All, for I will finally have an All to give.? I will have no secrets from Him, for I will have none from myself.? And He will lead my life, BE my life.? But I will not float.? I will slog through the muck at the bottom.? I will accept the bad with the good, the punishments with the rewards.? But until that point I am my own. Truth and Honesty above all else.

So, after many tears and hugs from those I consider family, I remembered something important tonight.? Last year, I worked hard and I with the money I made, bought two rings.? One silver, intricate.? The other, black hematite, simple.? Opposites, worn together, just like much in life.? Dom and sub, good and bad, love and hate.? When I first donned the rings I promised myself that I would be truthful and honest above all else, even the bad that I want to hide from.? I'd forgotten that promise, and through tears I remembered.? Remembered the joy and sweet release of that initial inner strength.? And though that strength has waned as of late, I have found it again.? And it is just as sweet as before.

This is how it works.? You're young until you're not.? You love until you don't.? You try until you can't.? You laugh until you cry.? You cry until you laugh.? And everyone must breathe until their dying breath. No, this is how it works.? You peer inside yourself.? You take the things you like.? Try to love the things you took.? And then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else's heart.

Oh curses.? I figure I might as well put this in my journal so I don't have to keep sending out individual messages.? I don't use the chat feature on here.? It lags horribly and slows down my computer to the point where I just want to scream.? So if I decline your chat request, it's not you.? Try messaging me instead, kay?

So.? I've thought about this often, especially considering how many poly people are on this site.? I've come to terms with this part of myself, and I hope that others will too.? I cannot be ANYONE'S other woman.? If it's someone with a vanilla wife who is allowing their husband to look for someone else.? If it's a poly house looking for another sub.? I just can't do it.? Been there, lost my virginity to that, not gonna do it again.

You know what really sucks?? Being a cuddle slut in the middle of a cuddle drought.? I hate it. :-(

Wheee! Got my change of major approved finally, now I just have to go get my course list approved.  If all goes well, and I don't fail any more courses, I should be able to graduate on time, spring '10.  woot woot!  Classes went well today, I didn't make a fool of myself, which is always good.  They look to be A LOT of work, so we'll see how that goes.  Two more tomorrow, early morning (ugh) so I'm off to bed.  Hope everyone else is having as good a night as I am!  Oh, and thanks to everyone who messaged me saying the other guy was a jerk. <3

So it's really late and I can't sleep.  Classes start again tomorrow.  Well, I guess that's today now.  I'm happy with my schedule, and with the classes I've chosen, but at the same time I'm feeling rediculously anxious about what's to come, and I'm wondering if I'm strong enough to deal with all the drama that inevitably comes with living with four other college girls. Fortunatly I love my housemates and we all work together to support each other through our various emotional problems.  Which bring me to my next issue.  Today I got a message that really upset me.  This guy shall remain nameless but he said that my flabby midriff made him want to puke and that I looked more like 50.  Look, I know I'm a little overweight for my height, it's something I acknowledge and am working on.  IF THE WAY I LOOK OFFENDS YOU, JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY PROFILE, DON'T SEND ME A NASTY MESSAGE!!!!

So I'm back home now.? I actually got home yesterday, but yesterday was super hard.? Was up for 19 hours, 16 of which were spent traveling.? 6 hour flight then 4.5 hour drive back home from JFK.? But that's behind done with, and I have much more exciting things to talk about.? Like New Years. You've never seen anything like New Year's in Reykjavik.? The city counsel doesn't sponsor any fireworks for the holiday, but that's because they sell fireworks all across the city.? The search and rescue squad raises all their money for the year from the sales of fireworks.? And boy do people really go all out.? They spend the equivalent of hundreds of thousands of dollars on fireworks.? Huge boxes and small rockets, roman candles and sparklers, you can buy it all there.? The fireworks started about 8 am and lasted until about 7am the next day.They reached a peak about 11.30, where there were fireworks going off all around the city.? We watched from Kate's work, a four story building with a balcony.? We had fireworks of our own, and believe me, you've never had an experience like having a rocket not shoot off and then explode in your face.? It's just...wow.? And now it's back to the daily grind.? *sigh*

Today was a fascinating day.? We took a trip to Blue Lagoon, a natural hot spring.? Before entering the spring, we have to rinse off.? Totally naked. In a shower room with no doors on the stalls.? When first showering, I was all sorts of shy, taking my clothes off then putting my bathing suit on right after, showering with my suit around my waist, facing the wall, just generally minimizing the amount of time that I was naked in front of other people.? After the hot springs though, I walked back into the locker room and woosh, my suit was off. All shyness was gone.? Even when I had to walk naked from the shower room to the room where my towel was, I wasn't embarrassed or anything.? Maybe I have an inner exhibitionist that I didn't know about...

So, exams are over now and I'm in the process of packing to go home for winter break.? Thanks for all the supportive messages from everyone wishing me luck on exams.? But truthfully, they went like crap.? As of right now, I still have one grade outstanding, but I currently have a C, a D, and a F.? I'll be on academic probation next semester.? I think that this is the lowest I've ever been emotionally.? I don't think anyone is more disappointed in me then myself.? I'm trying to remain hopeful for next semester, but it's hard.? There are things that I really have to work on improving now, especially motivation and discipline. And yes, I know that sentence will probably trigger a slew of messages saying 'I'll discipline you and force you to study'? but really, no thanks.? This is something that I need to prove that I can do myself.? On the brighter side of life, only 7 days until I get to see my Katie!!!! Thanks again to all who wished me well, it was nice to know that so many people were rooting for me. Well, off to make the dreaded 3 hour drive before it gets really dark.? <3

The next month promises a bunch of highs and lows for me.? The semester is almost over, finals are next week.? Unfortunately, my grades are going to be two C's, one D, and a D/F (I don't know which yet.)? Since I'm feeling particularly fatalistic at the moment, I'll go ahead and say that I'm doomed.? After that, well, I don't have much to do.? My work is going to be closed from right after I get home to right before I go back, so I can't make any money.? :-( The good news is that I'm going to get to see my Katie-ran from Christmas to New Years.? My Katie moved to Iceland last year, along with her husband, and my family is going to visit them. *SQUEAL!*? I will be sans internet and phone from Dec. 25th to Jan 1st though, as Verizon doesn't exactly cover Iceland. :-P After that the semester starts again. Bleh. Oh, and I'm having computer problems again.? Need a new fan this time.? At least that's cheaper then last time, yes? Well, off to go start studying.? At least this time I don't have to write a 16-page research paper in a day. >.< PS- Katie's my sister, if I didn't make that clear before.

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