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Sakura

slavejali

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slavejali

slavejali - photo 1

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innocentdarknessPageturner

Live as slave to my Master 24/7. We have been together , whoa bout 6 years now i think!. Have joined this website to chat in the forums.


This is really funny..I was inspired to write a journal entry, something which I haven't done very often, so I logged into this journal to find the last entry I made was over the exact same subject that I've come to write about now. I guess writing helps me process things. I started a few bizarro topics regarding it on the forum but had them deleted because I'm really insane at the moment I don't want to drag other people into my headspace that will probably be over with befor the topic is done..

Anyhow...

Masochism..my love/hate relationship with it. I have to admit I'm a masochist, sometimes I feel it is my achilles heel, it is the one energy that makes me feel so overpowered and out of control of myself, its so linked to my sexuality...I really think I have some problems in that area..and to have a problem is a weakness to me..especially when it comes to self-control..or the lack of it should I say.

When I submit as a slave in my everyday life, I'm conscious and in control of my self. Realistically I'm making choices to obey Master every moment of everyday. I do it because it is so akin to my nature for relationship that it makes me feel at peace and at home with myself. I absolutely love being "submissive"to my partner, it makes me "smile" within. it's a very balanced, wholesome feeling to me...

Masochism is an entirely nother ball game. It so full of personal desires and cravings its pathetic. I feel it in my sexuality, I feel it in every cell of my body...I want to be hurt..now..not in 5 minutes..not in 10 minutes..now..now ..now. It maeks me want to scream in anguish..I need to be touched..deeply.

My breathing is altered, by entire body is flushed with heat, my eyes are filled with tears and my dream would be for Master to walk through the door right now with that sadistic look in his eyes........but instead...whats going to happen is if I dont get off my ass and stop typing and do everything I'm supposed to have done..the only thing Master is going to have in his eyes when he walks through the door is disappointment in me or soemthing screwed up like that...

So anyways, I've typed enough and am going to get my stuff done and in the process I'm sure my head and body will sort itself out into some balance...and all will be well.

And these are the days of our lives...
Well, I had the most fabulous weekend. Have had an interesting week, to say the least. I have an interesting relationship with masochism....there are times...and I dont know what provokes it...that I really crave intense sensation. Makes it difficult for a slave....when we are supposed to be serving the needs of our Master...and this feeling takes over that is incredibly needy....you almost become useless because of the intensity of the desire. When that kind of need gets triggered in me, its not that I dont do everything I normally do for Master....but I am utterly aware that I have a need that wants to be satiated too.... does that mean I want to be served by Master as he is the only one that can fulfill this desire that is quaking inside me? I spent the week trying to balance myself but the more I tried the deeper I would fall into it which would then hook my emotions in, it basically felt like I was on a roller coaster all week. It was particularly difficult when Master was at work...when he was at home it was much easier to stay focused and level...to the point I would think.."oh whew its passed" but sure enough when I found myself alone again...the craving started, the insane desire, the ache, that deep deep ache....for intense touch. Finally on Friday night I got myself in a position to ask Master....I had spent hours planning how to ask him, how to approach it...but all my plannning went out the window ...and I just ended up asking in some dumb way. I had to plan it though 'cause my history has been I get myself into a state and then end up begging which Master doesnt like and calls it whining or trying to force a situation or whatever ...and then I dont end up getting anything...so I planned it this time..this time I was going to ask properly. Well my full plan didnt work..but I think the planning time was beneficial in that I didnt resort to begging desperately but just asked in a very sane way...I was kinda shocked when Master responded positively to my request.

So anyways, last night Master gave me what I needed and I'm so grateful...soo soo incredibly grateful.
Just realised the only journal entry I have made was when Master was sick..ugh.

Well he is well now *grin*

I dont really know what to use this journal for, so signing out of it. (I type enough on the forums already lol)

Master is sick, He has slept nearly all day, He looks so bad..I made him some turkey soup tonight. He let me rub his head to alleviate his headache...that was really nice as I was at a loss for what to do for Him..not that there really is anything much I can do, He just needs to sleep and shake it off...god the viruses going around these days are so terrible.