Here goes. I have decided to start a journal, not so much of my life, rather of how I would like to live my life if I had a chance to do it over again. This will be a nearly daily log of my life as a slave. It will be for adults only, it will be graphic, and it will be disturbing to some. Most of all it will be a way for me to express all these emotions and desires that lie within this vanilla exterior. It does not matter if anyone reads this. It for my benefit alone. First, a little background about myself.

I am a rather typical middle-aged male – career, children, mortgage, etc. For as long as I can remember I have not felt comfortable in this role. Role is a good term, because most of the time I feel as though I playing the part in a theater production. For as long as I can remember I have felt as though I should be a woman. I admit I have never had the courage or support from family and friends to actually transition, so I took the road more traveled and lived this life. Do I have regrets? Yes. I do not regret having my children or having a successful career. I do regret not having the courage to just be myself. But now my life is more than half over. My children are off to live their lives. My loveless marriage is over. I have a lot of time to think over my life and think over the decisions. I know I cannot rewind the tape and live this life over again. I can however, direct this energy into writing about how I would have live my life if I were to get another chance.

As with my gender dysphoria, for as long as I can remember I have been drawn to BDSM. Even as a child I was aroused by being held down or tied up in games. As I got older I learned techniques of self-bondage to enhance orgasms. With the internet I have served many Dominants in a virtual world. I love submitting myself to a stronger individual. I love being under the control of another. Between this and my desire to be feminine, it is all I think about in my spare time. Regardless, outside of occasional dressing or meeting with a Dom(me), I have lived this life entirely in the virtual world. This blog is another way the real me can live in this virtual world.

I am tired of this game I play going back and forth from the boring vanilla “real world” to my fantasy world where the word “boring” does not even exist. In the “real world” I shave, pee standing up, wear pants, no body art or piercings, and just don’t fit in. In my fantasy life I have creamy smooth skin, large firm breasts, a voice of an angel, pee sitting down, wear dresses and skirts and really short shorts, have loads of piercings, and wear my Master’s collar. In my fantasy world I have no name. I am called slut or cunt, and I wear a tattoo proclaimed that I am owned by my Master. I have no personal property or finances, no driver’s license or birth certificate. In this world all the decisions are made for me. My meals are provided by Master and on the rare occasion I am clothed, Master lays out that which I am to wear. Don’t you think my fantasy world is just delicious? I do.  

            Unfortunately, I have never gathered up the courage required to make my fantasy world a reality. Until now. I have decided to leave this world and permanently enter into the world I have long dreamed of. I am going to give this all up and start living. I wrote up a very simple ad and placed it on the internet. “slave seeks Master/Mistress” Let me explain one thing. When I use “Master” just assume it means “Master or Mistress”. It doesn’t really matter. I described myself and my background, and my desires to become a female slave. The process actually took days just to find all of the webs sites, blogs, personals, and kink sites to place my ad. There is a great deal of kink out there. Most just wanted to see pictures and meet somewhere to fuck. Gross. After a while I just determined I was going about this the wrong way. I set out to find and catalog all the genuine and sincere Masters through the information I could gather on the internet. This took a long time, but I ended up with a reasonable list of names. I wrote a very sincere letter and a picture to each of them. And waited.

Over the next 3 weeks I received only four legitimate responses to my letter. Two of them politely declined saying they had no openings for a full-time slave, but to apply again in a year. One response was from a Dungeon Master in Berlin, Germany. He is very much into pain. I put this in the maybe pile. The other letter was from a Master in the Western Great Plains of North America. He owns a ranch in one of the most remote locations on the planet. His nearest neighbor is 5 miles drive on dirt roads. During the winter the roads are not passable. The neighbors leave Him alone, and He is never disturbed. Currently the Master lives alone with one full-time female slave, but He is often visited by other Doms and subs to enjoy His indoor and outdoor dungeon facilities in such a private venue. He appears to be very active in the BDSM community, despite His remote location.

In His letter Master Marcus was very intrigued by my personal situation. The thought of using my male body to create His ideal female slave inspired Him. He, of course, needed more information about me before making this sort of lifetime commitment. He included in the e-mail a very long questionnaire with multiple choice and short answer responses. It was like taking a final exam. Obviously He had given these questions much thought. It had components of the Myers-Briggs and the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory tests. He wanted to know I was sane, not depressed, and not likely to snap. He wanted to be certain that I had carefully considered the consequences of becoming a slave. I would surrender my finances to Him, erase my current identity, surrender my will to Him, and submit myself to bondage humiliation, and sexual play. This arrangement is permanent. Only Master can choose to sell or free me. I have no say, and cannot decline His requests without the most severe physical and emotional punishment. It literally took me 4 hours to complete all the questions.

Master also requested many pictures and physical descriptions of myself. He wanted to know of every surgery and the history behind any scars. He needed my medical records and medications, and if I used recreational drugs at any time in my life. He said not to worry. He does not expect me to be perfect at this time, but eventually He will expect me to be perfect.

I sent off the tests and pictures and again waited… 

One, two, three weeks pass and still no word from Master Marcus. I feel so deflated. Either I did not meet His expectations, or He just decided not to take on such a big job of transforming a male into a female slave. Frustrated, I started thinking of other ways to find a Master. Honestly, I did not think it would be this difficult. Then it happened. I received the response from Master Marcus in my inbox. I was so nervous and was shaking so hard I could barely operate the mouse. OMG. Yes, I passed the first test! Master wished to meet face-to-face via Skype. He wanted to look into my eyes to see if I was truly sincere, and not wasting His precious time. He gave me the day, time, and number to call Him. If I call too early or late, or presented myself in a disrespectful manner, that would end everything. At any time in the process Master can call things off and terminate the relationship. I must be on my best behavior. I was very excited, but also scared.

 I wore a flowered cotton dress and pink and purple plastic earrings. I cleaned up my room and placed some fresh cut roses on the table behind me. The computer was on, the internet was online, and Skype was up. I nervously watched the seconds tick away on the clock on my phone – finger ready to click on the call button. Sitting up as straight as I could I dialed Master Marcus. It rang and rang, then His face appeared. Curtain up – it was time to pass the interview.

The interview took an hour and a half, so let me just summarize things. Master Marcus politely introduced Himself and made every reasonable effort to make me feel comfortable. He obviously could tell I was nervous. He is a large man (6’6” – 260 lbs). His years on the range showed through His dark red sand etched skin. His voice is deep, firm but compassionate. He did most of the talking at first. I would occasionally say “Yes Sir” or “No Sir”. His parents left Him the ranch, where He lives alone, except for His slaves. He has been interested in BDSM most of His life, and decided to turn His ranch into His own personal BDSM amusement park 8 years ago. Master usually has between one and two slaves on the ranch, then has Doms and subbies come to play for days and weeks at a time.

Master Marcus then spent some time on the questionnaire I filled out for Him. He wanted to understand the motivation behind my interests in BDSM and being a transgender. I shared stories and experiences with Him. He listened and seemed interested. He really wanted to know that I was genuine and committed to this. All the while I was trying to impress Him, I was on guard for indications of His motivation and sanity. I had no interest in heading out to nowhere and having my limbs removed with an ax, or something of the like. For what I could tell, He seemed quite sane.

There then was a long pause in the conversation. I got nervous again. He sat back in His chair and said in the deep voice “I suppose there is no harm in having you come out to the ranch for a visit.” I felt a shot of adrenaline as the fantasy seemed suddenly so very real. I anxiously agreed to His proposal. He said I will come visit for one week. He will send the dates and travel information by e-mail. He explained that during the visit He will expose to me what life as a slave is like, so I can make an informed decision as to my permanent enslavement. He thanked me for my time, and said He enjoyed meeting me and looked forward to my visit at the ranch.

            The instructions and e-ticket arrived in my inbox the following day. The flight leaves in 3 days. He does not want to give me much time to change my mind. The following day I put in for vacation at work and arranged for someone to look out after my house. Master Marcus gave me a list of what to bring:

• One set of clothes to wear on the plane out there
• Another change of clothes for the trip back
• ID Card
• Boarding passes
• Mobile phone
• Medications
• Toothbrush

Master Marcus will pick me up at the airport and take me out to the ranch, a 4 hour drive from the airport. His instructions were firm and to the point. It took about 5 minutes to pack and I got in the cab for the airport. I was excited, scared, and my heart was racing.

I filed out of the plane like cattle with the other passengers, and stood there in the terminal as the crowd dissipated. Soon they were all gone with the exception of this mountain of a man wearing snakeskin boots and a cowboy hat. He looked like He just fell off the screen of an old John Wayne western. He walked up to me, I smiled, He held out His hand, and introduced Himself as Marcus. “Pleased to meet You Sir”, I said. “We better get a move on. It’s a 4 hour drive up to the ranch”, He replied.  When we got a ways out of the city on an old 2-lane highway, He pulled over to the side of the road. He looked me over and said, “Take off your clothes and put them in your bag. You won’t be needing them.” I did as He said and threw the bag in the back of the truck. He looked me over carefully. I felt embarrassed. Master reached under the seat and pulled out a set of stainless steel leg irons and secured them around my ankles. He then pulled out a pair of handcuffs and secured them around my wrist. He covered me with a white sheet and said “You may as well start getting used to these.”  I need to explain something here. The body has certain autonomous nervous responses, like blushing when you are embarrassed. For me, the moment I am bound with ropes, cuffs, tape, etc. I get sexually aroused. I have been this way since I was a child. Well suffice it to say I was displaying a very visible erection underneath the sheet. It looked like a tent. Master Marcus was quite amused by this. For hours in the truck, every time I moved or repositioned my body, I felt the tug of the cuffs and was again aroused. Quite entertaining for Master. Quite frustrating for me. The rubbing of the sheet across the tip of my cock made me want to cum so fucking bad.

     We had driven for what seemed as days across this desolate, yet beautiful, country with little evidence that peopled lived here. For the most part we drove in silence, then we slowed at a dirt road marked only by an old truck tire with an unmarked mail box stuck in the middle. Although I saw no house, we turned up the dirt path. For 15 minutes we drove up this dirt path, passing an occasional cow, when I finally saw the buildings. There was a sprawling white ranch home surrounded by three metal buildings and a pen for horses. There were several pickups and tractors on the property, and a couple of Labradors ran up to meet us. No sign of any other humans. “This is home” said Master Marcus as he got out of the truck. He came around and helped me out of the truck. Master asked me to follow Him on a tour of the compound. It was quite uncomfortable following Him around naked in leg irons and handcuffs, but I said nothing. I just listened and obeyed. Oh yeah, I was also incredibly horny!

            Master explained we will be eating and sleeping in the house. One barn was for livestock, another was a shop and a place to store equipment. The third housed an “indoor carnival of pain and pleasure” as He described. Master is a quite accomplished craftsman and has built all of the equipment and toys He uses on His slaves. I could not wait to see the toys, and even more anxiously could not wait until Master played with me on the toys.

            Most of the land up here is barren rangeland, however, Master Marcus had a large wooded area behind the “carnival barn”. A path ran up the hill into the wooded area and disappeared. Master saw me looking up there and told me He had constructed an obstacle course and “playground of pain and pleasure” in the woods. The isolation on the ranch means that we will not be seen and no one will hear my screams. Basically, Master can do whatever He wishes with me. At that point Master instructed me to sit in the gravel road (not comfortable in the nude) and He would go over the rules and what to expect this week.

“Master’s Rules”

1. Only concern yourself about pleasing the Master
2. You cannot refuse any request by the Master or any surrogate of the Master
3. Failure to accomplish any task to the Master’s expectations will result in punishment
4. No speaking, singing, humming or whistling unless requested to do so by Master
5. Always approach Master on knees, eyes forward
6. Maintain eye contact with Master with head in submissive position
7. Never turn back to Master until dismissed
8. There will be no contact with others, no phone, no internet. etc
9. You will be unclothed at all times unless told otherwise
10. You will remain in chains or other form of bondage at all times
11. There will be no privacy. You will be monitored 24/7 by Master, His assistants, or surveillance cameras
12. You are not permitted to masturbate or touch genitalia with hands. A chastity device will be worn most times.
13. Any wandering, snooping, or attempts to escape will result in punishment
14. Punishment is always at Master’s discretion
15. You will eat only that which Master gives you. You will eat on the floor like a dog without utensils.
16. You will sleep on the floor in the Master’s room. A blanket will be provided.
17. There are no safe words
18. Master will brand, tattoo, pierce, or modify you as He sees fit
19. Master’s rules can be changed or modified as He wishes
20. Master’s word is absolute!

            After Master Marcus informed me about His rules, He then talked about His expectations for the week. This was an opportunity for Him to see if I would be a suitable slave, and for me to experience what real slavery is like. Of course, this was the Disneyworld version of slavery, in that I could return to freedom in a week. Should He take me on as His permanent slave, there was no escape. He described how my day would be very structured with an occasional surprise thrown in to keep me guessing. The day would start just before dawn. Master would have me drain His morning wood, basically He would fuck my mouth while I kneeled before Him. I would always have to swallow every drop or be punished. Then we would each urinate – me squatting on the ground outdoors with a chastity device – He, into my mouth while I was tied to a telephone pole in the center of the yard. Master would prepare breakfast. I would eat on the ground in the yard with my hands cuffed behind my back. Master likes to watch His slave struggle. I will be on a very low calorie diet, since Master felt I needed to lose a great deal of weight in order to look more feminine. Master and I would each then spend 45 minutes on the treadmill. Master will shower and dress, then led me to my morning work assignment. A ranch this large always had plenty of work to be done – mending a fence, feeding the horses, weeding the garden, repairing equipment, etc. This would be monitored by one of Master’s slaves or submissives – for whom I have not yet met.   

Then it would be time for lunch in the yard. Afternoon would be time for me to clean up and practice at becoming more feminine and pleasing to Master. This would be time to work on make-up, wigs, posture and walking feminine, speaking more feminine, and learning from Master’s other slave what pleases Him. Master would return home, and I would bath Him and give Him a massage. Then Master would give me something feminine to wear, and have me show Him what I learned in my lessons that day. If I met up to His expectations, He would take me to His bed and fuck me like a real woman.

Then it was time for dinner followed by Master’s training and play time. I would be subjected to pain, bondage, humiliation, and isolation. Every sort of torture imaginable and more. All for His pleasure. Then I would be chained to the floor and permitted to sleep, before it all started again the next day. I will pretty much be tired, sore, hungry and tired most of the time here. A perfect vacation! J

I did not sleep much that first night. I was cold, the floor was hard, and I could hardly move with my feet and wrist in iron. Also, Master snored very loudly. In addition to all that I was very anxious about my first day as a “real slave”. It was still dark when I heard Master get out of bed. I laid still. He walked over and kicked me in the side. “On your knees cunt!” He roared. I quickly got to my knees with best posture. I could barely see Him in the dark, but there was no mistaking that large cock in my face. “Suck it!” I starting sucking it and it immediately got hard, thick, and long, gagging me. It really turned me on. I am straight, but sucking a cock gets me hard. Unfortunately my cock was in a cage to prevent it from getting hard. That hurt. I sucked and sucked. Then Master took me by the hair and started fucking my head, faster and faster. I thought I would choke on it. He made me watch His eyes while He exploded His cum inside my mouth. The hot, thick liquid filled my mouth and poured down my chin. I swallowed and could feel the thick cream slowly sliding down my esophagus. I kept sucking and swallowing, trying not to miss a drop. He pulled out and examined my face. Seeing the cum on my chin, He slapped my face hard with His open hand. It really stung and tears ran down my face. “You will get paddled today for making this mess, cunt!” He growled.

Master went into the kitchen to drink a large glass of water. “I need to piss” He pulled me off the floor by the neck and led me out into the yard. He hands were large and powerful. I fell several times trying to keep up with the leg irons. He yanked me back up by the neck and pushed me along to the pole. Master sat me down and chained my hands behind the pole. The sun was just coming up and I could see the house and barns, and Master standing in front of me still naked. He looked like a bear. “Open your mouth. You will need to learn to take in all of my piss into your cunt belly” Well, it is not easy swallowing without closing your mouth. His hot smelly piss poured into my mouth like a fire hose. I gulped down the piss trying not to choke. His piss splattered all over me, but I must have swallowed a quart of His foul tasting piss. “That was quite a mess, but not too bad for your first time, slut.” “You probably need to piss also?” “You can relieve yourself after I return inside.” Master walked back into the house. There was no way for me to get up or move. My bladder hurt from holding it in all night, so I just let it go. The warm piss run under my ass and down my thighs, turning the dust into foul smelling mud. I was hungry, sore, and wreaked of piss, and it’s not even 7:00AM on my first day.

I sat and sat watching the sun rise. Finally Master walked out with a dog dish containing a small portion of scrambled eggs and pork sausage, and another dish with water. The dogs were with Him and eyed the food carefully.  Master unchained me from the pole and sat me in front of the dishes with my hands again restrained behind me. “Here’s your breakfast” He and the dogs stood there and watch me. Unfortunately for me, when I would bend my head down to eat with my mouth, I would tip over face first into the dish. My hands were not available to hold me up. Half of the food fell onto the dirt. I was painfully uncomfortable, but so hungry I devoured the food in the dish and licked the dish. Master laughed and commented to the dogs about how I was a stupid cunt that could not even eat out of a dish. Still hungry, I picked my head out of the dish and fell face first into the dirt. I lapped up the morsels of food and dirt, and rolled over to the water dish. I started lapping up the water watching the water cloud with the dirt and food bits from my face. Master stood me up and grabbed the garden hose. “You’re a fucking mess cunt, You need a bath” He sprayed me down with the ice cold water, and I stood there shivering in the cold morning air.

            I was still hungry, but if I remember right it was work time. I sat in the yard thinking of what work He had in store for me, while the dogs circled me with hungry looks on their faces. I was getting hungry enough it is they who should be hiding. Finally, Master emerged from the house all clean and dressed in jeans, snakeskin boots, big silver belt buckle, and plaid shirt. And of course He sported a cowboy hat and sunglasses.Very intimidating. He walked past me and went into the work shed. The garage door opened and he carried out some tools, fence posts, and a roll of barbed wire. He came over and grabbed me by the neck and led me over to the truck. He was so strong, I felt like a rag doll. He throws me in the passenger seat, unlocks my cuffs and re-locks my hands to an eyebolt welded to the dashboard. He says “I need some fence mending. Think you can handle it cunt?” I nodded yes because I did not want to get pushed out of a moving truck.

            We drove probably 2 miles along a winding dirt road, if you can call it a road, passing miles of barbed wire fencing and cows. He left the road to a piece of fence that had been knocked over by some angry cows. Master got out and threw the tools and materials on the ground. He also left a jug of water. Then He took off the cuffs and pulled me out of the truck. “You told me in your bio that you were quite the handyman. This should be a breeze for you, cunt” He reached in the truck and pulled out a big feminine sun hat with a wide brim, and sunscreen. He said to use plenty because He liked pearly white skin on His slaves. After getting in the truck, He pulled off towards the horizon. It was nice having my hands free. I got a cold drink of water, stretched, and eyes up the project. Nothing too difficult, should take about 3 hours. Only one problem. I have never worked with barbed wire, and the only clothes I have on is a big Easter bonnet. No mirror, but I am certain I look lovely. I may get hurt here.

            I wondered why no one was watching me. I bet someone was up on one of those ridges watching. The sun was relentless, but I kept slathering on sunscreen, and drinking water. It is easy to dehydrate in this low humidity. I was hungry, sore, tired, and getting scratched up pretty good by the wire, but I tried to stay focused on the job, and imagining what Master had in store for His slave later in the day. I really wanted to lie down and take a nap, or at least find some shade, but I knew Master would find out and I would be punished. I already had on punishment coming to me from this morning. Luckily Master gave me everything I needed to finish the job, including a good pair of leather gloves. It looks pretty good. Just then I hear a truck in the distance. It is Master. I got on my knees in the submissive position as He approached me. He eyes up the repair and pushed and tugged. “There is too much slack in the wire. We will have to come back here again. You will learn to get it right.” 

            When we returned to the yard, Master dragged me over to a large timber “X” with steel cuffs at the top and bottom. He faced me into the structure and shackled me into a giant “X” position. Unable to move at all, I immediately became aroused. However, the ever-present chastity device kept me contained. “Listen cunt. Master’s cum is precious as gold. You will never allow a drop to be wasted. Understood?” He shouted. I nodded. “You may verbally respond “Yes, Master”. I replied. It was nice to hear my voice again. I hope it was feminine enough for Master. He explained this was punishment for an unforgivable offense. I could not see Him, but I could feel His hand stroking my ass and thighs. “SMACK!” My body twisted as the pain radiated from my ass. Another smack, this time it was on my inner left thigh. My heart raced and I was breathing heavy. “CRACK!” This time a hard hit on my ass that sent tears down my face. Then He started to repeated smack my sensitive inner thighs until I starting crying, and tears ran down my face. The pain was excruciating. I never felt anything like it. He went back to paddling my ass. I was crying uncontrollably. He kept asking if I wanted more, and all I could utter in a weepy voice was “Yes, Master”. At that point I think I passed out, because the next thing I remember was getting hit by a wave of cold water. My body was trembling from the pain. I don’t think my legs were holding me up at that point.

            Master cut me loose and I fell to the dirt in a trembling sobbing ball. I heard His voice, but I could not understand a word He was saying. The pain was all I thought about. Master let me lie there until I stopped sobbing and trembling. He pulled me up by the neck and dragged me over to a shower in the yard. After rinsing me off, He gave me a jar of some cream to rub on my wounds. The cream instantly reduced the pain to a tolerable level. Master put a rope around my neck and led me back into the house. It was lunch time.

            Master put the chains back on me and I laid on the floor in the kitchen while He washed up. I heard footsteps return to the room, but it definitely was not Master. I turned and saw a petite woman approach with no clothes. She was dirty and her hair was a tangled mess. She did not say a word or make eye contact. It was like I was invisible.