slavedavid01


SlaveMisty Female Submissive, 26, Dallas, Texas	slavenikki Female Submissive, 22	slavebob Male Submissive, 47, long beach, California

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	About slavedavid01 I currently do housework, usually nude but clothed if you prefer, for dommes in the New Orleans area. This is real work, not a game. I have various kinks and will participate in various forms of BDSM, but being a real service oriented slave is my calling card. ? ?I am not looking for professional dominatrixes. I serve women who are legitimately into the kink, not just trying to make money. I realize that some professionals are into the kink also. But I am looking for women who have ordinary lives but enjoy kink.? ?Although I was into online domination mostly over the last 5 years, I now serve women live exclusively. Please do not solicit online servitude, financial or otherwise, from me. But I am perfectly open to online pen pals.? Spammers, pay attention. This is not really written to spammers because they would not be reading this. But to others who don't want to be classified as spammers, be sure to mention my name or make reference to something in my profile or journal if you write me. If you do not then I will report the message as spam. In particular, if you contact me and request that I contact you elsewhere, whether it is KIK, Skype, or email, or another website, then I will report it as spam. Such requests should only be made after a dialogue has been established here.? About me: ?I am a submissive and into female domination of nearly all types. I like to be controlled and used by women because I think that serving women is the proper role of men on this planet. So it is a type of calling, a belief system, and a sexual fetish all in one.? ? I am not a sissy and will not tolerate any type of feminization. I do not want to be called bitch, slut, or any other term more commonly used as a derogatory female label. I worship women and consider them to be the superior gender. Taking on the role of a female is not an act of humiliation to me, it is a sacrilege. I would not portray myself as a woman any more than I would portray myself as God. I will not participate in strap-on activity where a woman is wearing a substitute penis. It is not my thing. ?I AM into bdsm, although I've had little of it for the last several years since my relationship with my real time domme ended. That was a 20 year relationship. If I work for you as a domestic slave I will accept physical discipline if the domme for whom I'm working feels that I need it, or if anything was not done to her satisfaction, or if she just feels like having some sadistic amusement. Ball busting was a major fetish of mine. ?Whipping is okay as long as it is not extreme enough to leave embarrassing marks that I'll have to explain. Also nothing that will cause permanent injury. Nothing that involves body fluids or excrement. Anything in particular would need to be discussed before the first live meet. Also, any interested party would need to have an instagram account where we could exchange video messages. I don't like live skype but do need to communicate via video and audio. Exchanging 20 to 30 second video messages works very well for me.? I will work in any attire that is not feminine, from a tuxedo to fully nude. What ever the domme wants. However, if she is to have any company over I will insist on wearing a mask or hood to conceal my identity. If she has a man over he is not to touch me or give me orders. I serve women only and will quickly terminate the arrangement if any man is introduced in a dominant capacity. A male as another slave who is also performing duties is fine. But I am not subservient to any man.? ? I am not into men at all and the thought of having any type of experience that is even remotely sexual with a man disgusts me. I'm sorry to have to put it like that but gay male dominants write me rather frequently.? ?That's all I can think of now. I will edit this further at a later time.?

Hi folks:

My updates here seem to be down to once a month or so. In fact, I'll only post stuff here that will be found by those interested enough to look. On Fetlife everything you post appears on the timeline of all your friends, like on Facebook.

I have canceled the Instagram games for now due to lack of funds. I may continue them at some point in the future. But two things contributed to my enjoyment being taken out of them. For one, Rachael did not tune in enough to be competitive and didn't try to be. This also made it more expensive as I was giving her a monthly minimum. When she qualified for a higher prize it costed me less. But mainly it was less fun without her active involvement. Next, the girls stopped sending in entries for the multipliers I made. These were little puzzles or games that I put together that would increase their prizes. It was fun for me to make these, do them myself, discuss the answers with the girls, etc. I was very disappointed when they stopped playing... again, especially Rachael as I look for any way to get involved or have fun with her but everything fails. I may continue the games at some later point if I am financially able. For now, I will do my best to give Rachael a monthly allowance so that she can continue her law studies without having to have a job.

Poniegirl did not move to Houston after all. She was only visiting. But the pattern of my scheduling days and times to work for her and then being canceled on continues. She mentioned early afternoon today but is not responding to my texts right now. And she still hasn't given me a play scene at a party. She was listed as a maybe for a party at the local kink club, OTK, last night but decided not to go.

I was very disappointed with last night's OTK play party. I sent online messages to several women who listed that they might be going. Nobody returned my message. I asked a couple of women last night if they were up for a scene and was turned down by both. I hate going to a play party and getting no play. It makes you feel uninteresting, boring, unattractive, and unliked. I will not go to any more parties there and try to arrange pick-up play. I am only going if one of my regular play partners has confirmed that she is going and is up for play. Jen and Poniegirl were both listed as maybes but neither went. Miss Judith did not make it out and Simone is out of town on a ski trip.

It is rainy and gloomy today in New Orleans and I don't feel like doing anything. Hopefully I will be i a better mood and be able to enjoy the Superbown tomorrow.

Hi folks,

I know. I don't hang out here much anymore. My online contacts are on Twitter and Instagram and my live contacts are on Fetlife.

I am now serving three live mistresses as a housework slave. Miss Judith, Miss Lynn, and Miss Jen. Jen is the newest and I like her. She is a hard player and likes to bite. I'm not into that but will try to adapt because I don't want her looking for others to fulfill that fetish. But she already has. I just hope he doesn't get all of her attention.

Play had come to nearly a halt with Miss Lynn but she said that she wanted to play at the coming Dirty Santa Christmas party at the club. Jen will also be there with her other sub. Miss Judith can't make it to this one.

I'm still having the Instagram games for my internet girls. I was disappointed that they did not like my multipliers... little puzzles or games they can do for extra money. So I will discontinue that feature. I had originally invited 9 girls to participate in these games. Six of them did, two dropped out quickly, now there are four: Rachael, Amy, Annabel, and Marta. Domme Rachel participated only once. And some random girl that was told about me by a friend of Racheal and Amy briefly participated.

Right now I'm sore from the frequent beatings I've been taking. Both Miss Judith and Miss Jen went at me with the soft club. Although it is soft it packs a powerful punch. I have some bruises. We may have to discuss the frequency that different methods are employed so that my body has a chance to recover. I saw Miss Judith on Tuesday, I'm seeing Miss Jen on Friday, and then there is a play party Saturday night. I could be really sore next week.

Wow, over a month since my last journal update. I guess that is because my real-time bdsm contacts are mostly on Fetlife and I communicate with most of my online ladies via Instagram and Twitter.

I went to a Halloween play party the other night at the Club. I was hoping to introduce myself to a 48-year-old domme who listed that she was going. I did not see her there. I did not end up getting an impact session with anyone but a 22-year-old domme did have me serve her food and drink and massage her neck and shoulders for hours. That was fun. I told her she could get in touch with me anytime and I'd work for her, clean her place, provide massage, etc. When I got home and checked online she had already sent me a friend request. I was excited about this because I thought she would blow me off after the party. I have to realize that sometimes a domme is not interested in me but I just happen to be the only male slave available at the time, which I thought might have been the case at this party. I thought this because when I asked her Fetlife name so that I could send her a friend request she said, "let me send you a request". I thought that was a polite way of her telling me to fuck off. So I was surprised when she sent me the message right away.

But now I am looking at her personal ad where she is advertising for play partners. Besides the big obvious age difference, she also says in the ad that for male play partners she prefers guys who are tall, skinny, and feminine. Well, that is not me at all. Hopefully, she would like to try to play with someone who is short, muscular, and masculine. For middle-aged women, they do have to be play partners and be into my fetishes. For a young pretty one, I may be content to simply serve with no bdsm play. But the thrill of that would probably fade quickly.

Rachael has been doing well at uni but a counselor has told her that she needs to cut back her work hours. She may have to give up her job at the bank. She told me some months back to discontinue the allowance. But I'll start doing what I can. I've gotten involved in these Instagram games that include a few other girls and I'm having fun with that. But I'll have to scale it back a little.

The next CFnm party at OTK is only a couple of weeks away. These are always fun. Some domme has asked me about being human furniture and such. I told her she could certainly borrow me for a while at parties even though I might be attending to others. I was excited at first but now that she has written me I tend to think that she is into more mild forms of domination than what I like. I mean, mild is okay with me also as long as it is just part of the total package. I mentioned CBT and she responded that she might be open to some "light CBT". I am more into full force kicks to the balls as well as a going over with a riding crop, but not to the blistered condition that some subs are into. I also need to be tied or chained... not really because I'm into bondage but because I have a reflex action to cover up and need to be restrained in order for the domme to work on me.

Things are going well with my girls in Scotland and England. I have Rachael, Amy, Marta, and Annable all playing in my little Instagram Games and I'm having lots of fun with it. I didn't get to Miss Judith's this week because of scheduling conflicts and the weather. I don't know where things stand with Miss Lynn. She seems confused and doesn't know what she is looking for. We have had no kinky play in a long time.

There is one month until the next CFnm (clothed female naked male) party. I hope it is as wild as it was last time. But I will not be spending as much. All the men are supposed to bring some food and drink, not just for themselves but enough for a few ladies as well. I bought a ton of stuff last time and then saw guys walking in with nothing. I would still like to take off 9 or 10 pounds before the party. Right now I'm about 12 pounds more than in the profile pic I have up here. The extra weight is mostly muscle but I'm not as cut as I was and I'd like to get that back.

Well, now I feel bummed out on what is supposed to be one of my happiest days of the month. I will try to take measures to make sure this doesn't happen again. My quest is to make my ladies happy. Most were, and I know that you can't please all of the people all of the time. But I will try to fix it so that I can isolate activities so as not to bore or offend those for whom they are not best suited.

I have my Instagram games going for the girls. This one is pretty easy. They just have to send me a video with a verse from any Beatles song. They can sing it or just recite the words. The other part is an optional task that I call the multiplier. They get an increase in the prize for doing well on that. The last two were too easy and required only a simple Google search. Seach engines just make those things too easy to provide any challenge. For this one, I have a couple of paragraphs that they have to rewrite and choose the grammatically correct word to put in each of ten blanks.

I had my usual housework and play session with Miss Judith this week. Keisha was supposed to be there but didn't make it. There was another little dog visiting that she was supposed to groom.

A had a different task from Miss Lynn. I had to bring a stray cat that she caught to the SPCA for their free spay/neuter and release program. She has picked up the cat and it is doing fine. I don't think it was feral. It was way too tame and willing to be handled by humans. It could actually belong to someone in her neighborhood.

The CFnm party was actually Saturday, not Friday. It was wild and not like the other CFnm events I attended. There were also nude females all over the place and play scenes started almost immediately. Normally the women sit and socialize for a while and are served by the men. Then, later in the evening after the crowd has thinned a bit, some play scenes begin. But not this time.

I think most of the men loved it. But I think some, who were in favor of the more traditional, tame CFnm parties, were unhappy.

I had two scenes: one was with Miss Judith and the other with Keisha, her dog groomer who just joined the club. The session with Miss Judith was in the back play area. The second session was in the front area where people socialize. There are some play stations in that room also. So we had quite an audience and I could hear the room erupt with laughter when I got kicked in the balls.

I was disappointed that Miss Lynn did not choose to have a scene with me. She asked me to go to a movie with her earlier in the day. I did go and enjoyed it, Atomic Blonde. She asked me also if I wanted to go to a swimming pool get together the next day. I declined on that as I had to recover from the party. I enjoy having her as a friend but am not pleased that the domme/slave dynamic has taken a back seat. It could be that as we became better friends she felt less comfortable dominating me. That has happened before. Or perhaps her sadist tendencies are just on the decline.

But, anyway, I was very happy that Miss Judith brought Kesha. She is very hot and playing with her is not what one would expect from someone who had no experience. She hits and kicks quite hard and is not shy about it in the least. I can't serve her as a housework slave because she has kids and I work in the nude.

Well, Friday coming is the CFnm (clothed females naked males) party at the club. When I run or cycle outside I am usually wearing shorts and a tank top. When I take off my shirt I have tan arms and shoulders and a snow white torso. So in preparation for this event I thought I would spend a few sessions in a tanning booth which are offered free at the gym. I don't intend to do this often as these are skin cancer machines. But I thought I'd do it for this one event. Well, my white ass, which has never seen the light of sun in my life, is now totally pink and blistered. Good job, David. Perhaps some people will think it is pink and blistered from being beaten by a domme.

Vanilla porn is sooooo boring. I have free movies, including adult movies, in the hotel room. So I put on this college dorm orgy thing. After two minutes I'm ready to switch the channels to watch Seinfeld.

The little Instagram thing this week went well with entries from Amy, Annabel, Marta, and Rachael. I was kind of disappointed with Marta's video. She was just reading it and not really delivering the message as if were her saying it to me. But Annabel was great. In fact, Annabel is probably the only woman I served online who I think would also be a good live domme. She is into all things outrageous. In fact, her boyfriend is a cross-dresser. Not that I'm into to that, I'm certainly not. But her wild diversity is a turn-on.

I let Rachael send me a personalized message of her own making rather than the dominant message I wanted the others to deliver. I am really curious to see what Amy's will be like. She is an amazingly together person and already has her license to practice law.

Somehow I always thought that Domme Rachel and I would eventually work out our problems, get it right, and that I would happily serve her for a long time. But it is not to be and I'm sad. I'm sorry that I pissed her off with some of the things I said. But I think that she knows that everything I said was true. I can't just pretend to be stupid.

The girls that follow me on Instagram, all of whom I served for short periods of time, are a comfort to me. I have not committed to serving another online domme because she would drain the money that I'm now spreading around to a few different girls. But I have other cravings that are not being met. I will try writing some fabricated messages to see how these girls do with them (sending me short vids reading them) and if it brings me any relief. I am hopeful. I also don't want to possibly hurt anyone's feelings by choosing one over another to be my primary online mistress. I have this really bad "nice guy" disease.

It did surprise me that I still have these urges to serve women online after I started serving live dommes. But it is just a completely different dynamic and I want both. I like bdsm and physical domination. But having a young pretty spoiled brat type making demands of me online is also a huge turn-on.

I am okay with being just friends with Rachael. In fact, with the kind of love I have for her I would accept any role in her life that she would let me fill. I'd be a dad, uncle, brother, cousin, boyfriend, slave, or just a friend. But that is not how I feel about Domme Rachel. I love her in a different way and only want a specific type of relationship with her... not to mention that despite her being lots of fun, she is not ethically and morally in the same universe with Rachael, who is of very noble character.

I apologize for the lack of audio on my profile video. I tried several times but it always comes out silent.

Okay, I'm serving Miss Lynn on Tuesday and Miss Judith on Friday. Miss Lynn was asking Miss Judy about coming to her house but I really don't think her chair is getting through that door. I will take measurements when I'm over there tomorrow.

Miss Judith got another young domme to take a turn on me at the club. This was fun and nice of her as I am too shy to approach people about doing a scene. And I would never approach a woman in her 20s or early 30s as most of them are grossed out by older guys. I do it online but that is totally different.

No video reminder from Domme Rachel, no viewing of messages I sent her weeks ago, and no acknowledgement of the birthday money I sent her. I think I can safely say we're done. We both provide something the other wants yet we can't get it right. She stood to do quite well this month.

Last night's play party at the OTK kink club was fun. Mistress Judith and another local domme both participated in a session with me. My nipples are a bit sore today. My balls seem to recover quickly but my nipples are bruised from the pinching and slapping. Miss Lynn as there but did not really participate.

Today is Domme Rachel's birthday. She did not send me a video reminder yesterday or today as I had hoped she would. But I think I upset her by being so totally frank with her the last time she contacted me. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings but I made it quite clear that I was not under any illusion that I was special to her in any sort of way and did not think she felt any sort of fondness or friendship for me at all. That doesn't mean that I don't love her... I do. But that doesn't mean that I want to be a fly on her wall. But I am an adult and I am going to send her a Happy Birthday note, apologize for upsetting her, and will send her a gift. I do wish her happiness.

I just watched the Wimbledon final. I was pulling for Federer and was happy to see him win a record 8th Wimbledon title.

Tomorrow is Domme Rachel's birthday. I suggested weeks ago that she send me a video on her birthday or the day before. I wonder if she will. I'm not going to serve her long term. But I will have some fun with her this month if she does send it. But somehow I think she is not going to. If she waits until the 17th it will be too late. If she sends me a text message to test the waters that is also no good. I will gift her regardless but she will get much more if she plays the game right.

I have never been a Venus Williams fan but she has sort of won me over and I was pulling for her in the match today. The first set was quite close and she had double set point at 5:4. But the young lady from Spain pulled that set out and then totally smashed her in the 2nd set, 6-0. Venus was used up. I will be pulling for Roger Federer in the men's final tomorrow.

Tonight I am going to a play part at the local BDSM club. Miss Judith said she is going and Miss Lynn is listed as a mabe. I will get at least one scene, with Miss Judith, and could possibly get one with Miss Lynn as well.

Rachael has turned down my Las Vegas trip offer and I am more disappointed than I can possibly express. It have would been so much fun. I will probably go anyway. I think Britney Spears will be performing in August and I can get free tickets.

I made it over to Miss Lynn's today and did her backyard and then cleaned up around the house. No play, which has become the unfortunate norm with her. She must think I have a housework fetish. I don't get it. She literally went from one extreme to the other. At first she was over the top dominant and a hard sadist. And now... nothing.

On Thursday I will be working for Miss Judith, who seems to very much enjoy hour play sessions. I have constructed a new toy, a ball buster, for her to try out on me.

It is only a week now from Domme Rachel's birthday and I hope she sends me that video. I need some of her type of domination. And if she is not up for play then that money will end up going to one of the resident dommes on myfreecams.com.

There is going to be some sort of play party at the club Saturday night. I will have to go to the Fetlife events section and check out the details. Miss Lynn said that she might go. I will ask Miss Judith about it also. Perhaps I can get a couple of scenes in.

I made sure to get Miss Judith's yard done before I left for my trip. Her yard is huge and the grass seems to grow really fast. I worked mostly in the rain because it was already long and would have been impossible if I let it go for another week.

The area that I do for Miss Lynn is small but it is now badly overgrown and she is not happy about it. I have to get over and do her back yard.

I see the writing on the wall. She is not going to say it to me but it is obvious.

Well, I do have an ex-lover who lives in Las Vegas. About a month ago she commented on one of my Facebook posts that she misses me. I told her that we'd get together the next time I was in Vegas. I hope to get with her and bring her along as I party with Rachael and her boyfriend. Now, I may have to take my mom to LV also but she will not always be with me. She does her own thing and plays slots. But I will have to have an evening or two with her. I could make this all work. I am getting lots of offers in the mail for free rooms in LV right now. I will take along my Cialis in case Diana wants some action. But I mainly just want to see Rachael. I will enjoy everything else. And I will likely plan an August trip even if Rachael can't go. I got offered free tickets to see Britney Spears and I want to go to that show.

I just had a great trip and offered Rachael something that I thought would not be possible until the distant future. I want to fly her and her boyfriend to Vegas to party with me for four days. I will cover air fare, hotel, transportation, meals, etc. I hope she accepts. I am worried about her completely drifting out of my life and I need to do something big to cement my position in as a lifelong friend. She has essentially been in contact with me her entire adult life. I don't want it to end. And I offered to pay for either Amy or Domme Rachel if her boyfriend can't make it. She is out of UNI until September. So August is perfect if she can do it. I just completed a long term agreement with my financial backer and have some free time.

I am partying alone in my hotel room. I just finished a bottle of red wine while watching some free movies. I will have some good contests for my girls on Instagram when I get back. I will treat Miss Judith to something nice. I have to figure out what I can do for Miss Lynn... without her thinking that I have a romantic interest. That part of me is dead. I only indulge in my fetishes and otherwise have friendships with my play partners and online girls.

Please read profiles before you write to people. I'm am not anti-gay but I am not gay. Why do gay male doms continue to write to me about servitude and such ? You're gay, that's cool, I'm not. Look elsewhere.

My contest before last: the girls had to tell me the name of my dog that died a couple of years ago and the name of my cat. To find this they would have to look through my Twitter and Instagram posts to find a place where I mentioned them. Rachael didn't need to look. She knew that my dog was Ginger and my cat was Max. I was very impressed. I'm surprised that Domme Rachel even remembers my name. I am not in her universe. But I wish that I were.

Well, it'll be fun one way or the other. If Domme Rachel does not send me the video on her birthday or the day before then I'll just send her a little Amazon gift card and be done with it and then I'll get back to the Instagram thing with the other girls. But I'm hoping Domme Rachel remembers how to play.

She has not viewed the last messages I sent her on WhatsApp, Twitter, or Snapchat. Not replying is one thing, but she hasn't even opened them. So I'm not expecting to hear from her.

I'm leaving for a 4 day business trip tomorrow morning. I was going to leave tonight but my sister offered to buy dinner for me and my mother. So I'll get an early start tomorrow. I have a 600 mile drive.

I can't wait for Domme Rachel's birthday. I have cancelled my Instagram games for now so I can preserve the extra funds to have fun with Rachel. I have no illusions. I know that I totally bore her but I can please her with money, and she can push my buttons. We will both enjoy it. I need an outlet to ease the pain of what just happened with Rachael and Domme Rachel will be it. I like Annabel and she is fun. But she is not Rachel. I will get back to the other girls in August.

Well, I actually told Miss Lynn the truth. I didn't think I would be up to talking to her about it. But I told her that I had psychologically adopted a young girl oversees, that I loved her like a daughter, but I saw her slipping away and was just very depressed about it. She totally understands.

It turns out that Miss Lynn had read the fairy tale that I had written for Kelsey and have posted here a few times. She asked me if Rachael was the girl I had written about. I said no, but it could have been. I met them both around the same time and they both had severe mental issues at the time. But Rachael has recovered and is thriving. Kelsey's mental illness is not a temporary thing. Kelsey and I have not spoken in years. I loved her also and was quite depressed when things ended with her. Luckily I had Rachael to lean on as we had become reacquainted after a year of no contact. So I had been in contact and frequently gifting Rachael for most of the time I was involved with Kelsey.

I worry that people will think that I'm insane when they find that I have formed extreme emotional bonds to people online that I've never met in person. I think that is because that's what I would think if it did not involve me. But I was quite lonely when things broke off with my real time mistress, Elaine, several years ago and these online relationships gave me comfort.

Prior to that I did fool around online a little bit, the same as a married man looking at internet porn or fooling around in online chat rooms. But it was entirely a sexual thing and no emotions were involved... not until I ran into Rachael and she captured my heart immediately.

Rachael gave me some news yesterday that did not make me happy. She said she didn't want me to send her a weekly allowance any more. I have felt very down since. I had planned on contacting Miss Judith and Miss Lynn yesterday to see if either of them felt like going to the play party at the club. But suddenly I didn't feel like doing anything. It is not so much that I need to send Rachael money to be happy. I just kind of see it as a further sign of her slipping away and that hurts. I have been having fun with these online contests with a few of the UK girls I was involved with in the past. But the strange thing is, as soon as Rachael is no longer involved the fun seems to disappear. I told her that I would one day fly her and her boyfriend out to Las Vegas at my expense, put them up in a hotel, and we could visit and go to some shows. I still plan to do that at some point if she is willing. I would love to meet her in person as well as the young man who has won my little angel's heart.

Miss Lynn invited me to a pool party today at the home of another kinkster. I don't really feel like going but I'm worried that she will be hurt if I don't and think that I don't like her. I am extremely sensitive to hurting the feelings of others and do my very best to avoid it if at all possible.

Domme Rachel's birthday is this month, on the 16th. I told her to send me a video on her birthday or the day before to remind me and I would take care of her. I will have more to give her since Rachael has voluntarily given up her weekly tythe. I told this to her way in advance when I again told her about the problems I had with her and the signs she exhibited that showed me that she didn't really like me and seldom gave me a thought. I thought that the interim period would let me see if her behavior changed in anyway after she reflected on it. She did, in fact, view my Instagram Story the next day. I then told her that she did not have to feel any obligation to like anything I posted or view any of my stories. I would take care of her on her birthday anyway. I had to tell her this as otherwise I would not know if she was just doing it as a pretense of interest in order to get on my good side and get more money. And sure enough, as soon as I told her that she did not need to feel obligated to view or participate in anything I do on social media she ceased to do so. So I have my answer on that. I still have feelings for her but at the moment, with this sudden change in my relationship with Rachael, I can't think clearly about anything. My immediate thought was to start drinking some wine, contact Rachel for some chat and online domination, and start throwing money at her to make myself feel better. I resisted that temptation. I know that the real way to deal with the blues is to keep active and exercise. But it is just so difficult to get out and do it when you are feeling down. I know that I would feel much better afterwards. But I just feel like staying inside and sulking.

Miss Judith is also having a birthday. I would like to take her out some place to eat but that presents difficulties for her so she suggested in other gift situations that I simply pay her way at some parties. Or perhaps I will take her to another Stripped to Submission show, which they have occasionally. These are like BDSM themed burlesque shows.

My most immediate decision, as in one I must make this hour, is what I am going to tell Lynn about the party today. It is not like standing her up on a date. We don't really have a dating relationship. But it is possible that she may plan to use me as her male companion in some social situations. I don't want to be perceived as being in a romantic type relationship with anyone as it will make others hesitant to want to get involved with me on any level... like I'm a cheater. But I'm not as I make it quite clear in my profile that I am not monogamous and even as a slave do not intend to be exclusive to any one mistress.

Amy and Marta have been viewing my Instagram Story. That makes me happy. I like them both. But I never became obsessed with either of them, nor with Annabel, the way I was with Kelsey and Domme Rachel.

However, I just glanced at Annabel's Amazon wish list and noticed a book on there: The Art of Rope Bondage. This suddenly made her way hotter.

Kelsey has a new profile pic up on her Facebook. This is the only glimpse into her world I ever get as everything she posts is friends only. I have a secret Facebook account that was discovered only by Kelsey. I kept and still do keep a journal there much like this one. This gave her a glimpse into my mind which is probably why she was able to keep control of me for a long period of time. Although I have never made a secret of this one, Rachael and Miss Judith are the only two who have ever viewed it. Of course, it would make no difference what Domme Rachel knew about because she has no interest in anything I say, think, or do other than the sending of money to her.

We are one month away from the CFnm party (Clothed Females, naked males). When I saw it announced I thought I would like to lose 15 pounds before the event. That was about six weeks ago. I've lost maybe 3 pounds. I am already lean so this is difficult. But I would like to be super cut like my profile picture. I am about 154 pounds in that pic. I am now about 168. I've got all the muscle, perhaps more. But I am not as cut as I would like to be if I am going to be naked in front of a large crowd.

Domme Rachel got back in touch with me and in a dominant way. It was hard to resist as I woke up to a text demand. But I have trouble justifying putting her ahead of my other online ladies. I would like to, I really would. But I can't. I have done everything possible to try to create a way to gift her. The other girls take advantage of these things but she doesn't. She tries to hide it, but her boredom with me is so complete that she just can't endure a second of it unless she thinks it is directly leading to her getting money very quickly.

But, I will gift her generously on her birthday next month despite this because I love her and would enjoy giving her a small measure of happiness. I am just not willing to be miserable and depressed all the time to make her happy.

I am thinking of asking Annabel to again by my online domme. The only problem is that she will take my entire online play budget and I'm having lots of fun with my Instagram contests. I have separate Instagram accounts for live contacts vs strictly online contacts.
I will think about this some more. She was hard on me but lots of fun when I served her before. However, next month is Domme Rachel's birthday and I am thinking about what I am going to do for her. I'm thinking of something that would be fun for me also that I'm sure she'd go along with. Or I may just send her an Amazon gift card as I do with most of my former mistresses on their birthdays.

well, I just finished the june contest for my online ladies. Annabel and Rachael finished first and second again. Five of the women who were eligible viewed my announcement on Thursday that I would be having a contest on Friday, yet only two submitted. It was really easy. All they had to do was send me a private video message on Twitter and tell me the name of my dog and cat, which they could easily find among the pics I had posted. Anyway, I'm glad the money is going to Rachael and Annabel as they are really the only two who actually give me any attention.
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Yesterday I did yard work and housework slaving for Miss Judith. We usually have some sort of play/punishment/training session afterwards. This time we saved that for the club... the local bdsm club in New Orleans. It was actually the first time we did a scene together in public and the first time she had done any scene in public. I was chained to this strange cross/chair. I don't know what it is called. The seat is a v shape for that the legs go out spread. The back is inclined. The back is like an inclined cross with metal rings onto which the wrists can be restrained. She worked on me with paddles, riding crops, and a good bit with her bare hands. Just general slapping, nipple pinching, ball squeezing and smashing, etc. We set a timer and I endured 20 minutes.

Miss Lynn said she might show up but didn't. Although not many people were there, only about 15 or 16, both of Miss Lynn's subs (one of which is me) were there and involved in scenes. I serve both Miss Lynn and Miss Judith. I am not exclusive. I belong to whoever I am serving that day. I thought it amusing when some woman at the club asked for Miss Judith's permission to touch me.

I was thinking about going to the party even if neither Miss Judith or Miss Lynn went because I like the atmosphere and like to watch the other scenes. But I really don't like to be just a wallflower at a play party so I'm glad Miss Judith came. And I am shy about approaching others. So unless I have some sort of play scene set up in advance I will likely just be a spectator.

Rachael has introduced me to yet another friend, Sarah. I have met so many lovely UK ladies through her. Sarah sent me a video from the download featival she was attending with Rachael and Amy. Yesterday I brought Miss Judith to get a procedure at the hospital. All went well but I was getting concerned as I was in the waiting are for more than 90 minutes beyond the time they expected it to take. I took her home afterwards, mowed the lawn, swept and mopped the house, and then submitted to some impact play. She had crocheted some wrist restraint covers through which chains pass through. My hands were fastened to a chain around my neck and I got some CBT.

Annabel again won the contest I have for my online ladies. This was for an Amazon gift card. Marta viewed the announcement I made that I would start a contest later that day but she did not check back to see the rules or submit an entry. Annabel did not figure out the bonus code which was actually pretty easy but she was looking in the wrong places.

Miss Lynn has been going to the gym with me a few times a week. This is good. I was supposed to go to her house to do her back yard yesterday but it started raining. It is getting really long but it has been raining every day and is raining again today.

I will be seeing Miss Judith on Thursday and will accompany her to the doctor's for some sort of procedure.

I wonder if word of that last entry made its way back to Domme Rachel. She was chatting me up this morning. She said that she got home for one day over the weekend and moved to a new house away from that arena where the terrorist attack took place. She also said she'd applied for a master's program in Glasgow. I'm glad to hear that. Things are going well with Rachael. She sent me a good night audio message last night. I told her about a bad dream I had that involved her. One of her pets died while in my care while she was on a trip. I woke up really nervous not knowing what I was going to tell her. Miss Judith is serious about our play sessions and wants reports on the pluses and minuses afterwards. I wrote that up and sent it to her last night. Today I'm going to work at Miss Lynn's. She has been asking me for exercise advice. She has joined a dance class and has lost 10 pounds already. I hope she can keep it up.

Annabel is what I want Domme Rachel to be. Every message she sends me, every pic she likes, every time I see that she has viewed my story.,, I'm always wishing it were Domme Rachel. But Domme Rachel is interested only in what money she can extract from me and anything she says to me, no matter how sincere it sounds, is only in that pursuit.

I am really, really, really happy and very much at peace since things have improved with Rachael. I was so depressed last week. I don't know how exactly I could replace what she is to me. I saw her grow from an extremely troubled teen into a serious law student at a prestigious university. And I have been doing all I can to be supportive for most of that 5 year period. I think she possibly has a handle now on why I've been unhappy.

Domme Rachel now works and lives in Manchester and very near the recent terrorist attack. I talked to her over the last few days and told her how concerned I was with her there. She took the opportunity to hit me up for the cost of a train ticket back to Glasgow. I don't feel right about giving her special treatment when some of the other UK women I've been in contact with over the last few years have been much kinder to me that she has. I don't have enough money to gift them all regularly. Rachael is the only special case. I think they all know that as it is really because of Rachael that I came into contact with all of them. So I instead have a contest for which they are all eligible and send something to the winner. I think that is fair. In this case I did Domme Rachel a favor by giving her an advance notice that I would be having a contest today. This gives her an advantage. Others would only know if they happened to view my social media activity today. It is no surprise to me that Rachael (not Domme Rachel) and Annabell were the first two to respond as they are the only ones who I believe actually view what I post regularly and occasionally like my pics or tweets, etc.

On the live servitude front: I'll be working for Miss Judith on Friday and Miss Lynn on Saturday. I did not choose to go to the kinky camping event that the club was having. I think I would feel awkward if I did not have a play partner. I am not a member of any so called "leather family". Hopefully over time dommes will see me as someone who they can freely use if I am not serving Miss Judith or Miss Lynn. And I'm sure either of them would not mind them joining in a three way scene.

I am now home from my business trip. It turned out to be mediocre but I am pleased as it started terribly. I will be working at Miss Lynn's on Saturday and will arrange a day with Miss Judith also.

Things are going better with Rachael also. I think that some divine intervention happened the other day. I made a 10 minute long video message to her basically saying that I got the point that she didn't want me in her life any more... etc. I was about to click send and then I got a notice that she had just added me on Instagram. So I wrote to her and we had a heart to heart chat. I think we have come forward a bit. There are still things I need to talk to her about as I get up the courage but I think we can move in the right direction. But most importantly I see that she is not trying to get rid of me as I thought she was. I really thought that she just wanted me out of her life but did not want to hurt my feelings so she was trying to just sort of make me get frustrated and disillusioned so that I would leave on my own. And that is exactly what I was about to do. I was so upset that I could hardly function. She is extremely important to me but I am simply not ever going to force myself on anyone who appears not to want to be involved with me. That is why I ended things with Domme Rachel and Kelsey. It had nothing to do with my not having feelings for them. It was because I thought that the relationships were totally one sided. I loved them but they found me to be a bore and a chore.

I know that I am appreciated by both of my live mistresses. Things are going well with Miss Judith both on the service side and the kink side. With Miss Lynn I have to try to get the kink side going again. I just don't know what went wrong. I hope it is not the kink version of the "friend zone".... like, now that we are friends and talk a bunch she no longer wants to beat me up. I have had trouble with more than one online domme simply because I am a really nice guy and they would prefer to dominate assholes who they feel no guilt about being cruel to. I hope this is not the case with Miss Lynn. I need her to get out the whips and paddles, chain me up, and go to work.

Rachael had her last exam today. She has now completed her first year of law at the university. I'm very proud of her. I thought I'd already sent her everything on what she had titled her uni wishlist on Amazon. But I checked today and there was one more book, The History of Roman Law. So I just ordered that for her.

Annabel won the little Instagram Amazon gift card contest that I had yesterday. All that was required was viewing My Story and liking the pic of the Amazon card I posted. She was the only one to do it. Nobody won the last contest, but Annabell won the one previous to that. In all others little fun contests I've had there had been no winners for over a year since Domme Rachel won one by responding to something I posted on a seldom visited social media site.

I did what Rachael suggested to me today. I actually expressed my feelings to her today about something I had kept bottled up. Something that bothered me a great deal. I hope that I actually can talk heart to heart with her about things. But when it results in me getting chewed out it then makes me reluctant in the future.

I hope Rachael is doing well on her exams. There hasn't been a peep out of her for a while.

I just finished my workout and I'm still hanging around the house procrastinating. If I don't leave today I will have a 12 hour drive tomorrow... and I have to get up quite early. I just feel down in the dumps and can't motivate myself to get packed and everything. I thought that forcing myself through a workout would get the juices flowing but it hasn't.

A girl in London I served for a while, Goddess Amber, had a friend of her's send me a goodbye note saying that she had to delete her Twitter account. She wished me well and thanked me for the period I served her. This makes me sad.

I have pressures to deal with in the real estate business. My biggest problem tenant is my younger brother and my sister, who is ia partner with me in the business, wants out. I will now have to handle everything myself and this will make my life more difficult.

I really, really, really don't feel like going on this trip. I have zero motivation. I'm trying to artificially create some.

If I extend an offer to someone and it is refused I will not bring it up again regardless of the reason that was given for refusal. I will assume there was no interest. If the recipient of the offer later has a change of heart it will have to be brought up to me. The same is true when I make a request. I don't like to be a nag and I like even less being refused. So I will avoid both. This does not mean that I don't still want something but simply that I'm not going to beat a dead horse.

Likewise, if a promise is made to me and not kept I am not going to continue to bring it up. But I will not ever forget no matter how insignificant the promise maker thought it might be. And it is always a good gesture to keep a promise made long ago that may have slipped your mind. It is always better late than never.

I have been corresponding with Annabel for over five years. She was friendly both before I served her and after it ended. We chat on Instagram at least a couple of times a week. She is pretty cool. She was very rough, just about over the top, as a mistress. But she was just pushing me to the max both for her gain and because she thought that's what turned me on. And it did, although I was not going to be able to keep up with it. Rachael didn't like the idea of me serving her so I ended that and briefly served her friend Marta. I can see that Marta has been viewing my postings. I like her. She is into fitness and nutrition now and has been posting recipes and pics of yummy looking healthy stuff on Instagram. I had ended things with her because suddenly, out of the blue, I became obsessed with Rachael again. That has happened several times. I mostly have a different type of feelings for Rachael but occasionally she says or does something, or posts some pic, that turns me on and drives me crazy. When that happens all I can think of is her dominating me. But that has failed a few times and we have managed to remain friends.

I was thinking that the entire online fetish thing was caused by my not having a real life. So I got involved with women online that I could really only have fantasies about. But now I have been going to the local BDSM club, I serve two women live, and while I enjoy that very much I still find myself on the computer a couple of times a week having the same urges I had when I had nothing but online relationships.

I am not rushing into anything. And while I would love to serve Domme Rachel again, I have learned my lesson. It won't work. So then there are Annabel and Marta. If I serve an online domme again it would likely be one of them... if one of them would have me, which I don't even know. So I'm not making any commitment.

What I'm doing now is having little online contests and either sending a little paypal money or an Amazon gift card to the winner. I post the details in a place that I know Annable and Marta will both see it. Rachael follows me there on three of her mostly inactive Instagram accounts but not on the one she now uses most frequently. Domme Rachel follows me there but never looks at my Story. So when I have a contest I do put a note on Snapchat, where they are the only two who follow me, in case they choose to go read the details. But Rachael checks my Story there only a couple of times a week so she would probably miss it. And Domme Rachel might view my story once or twice a month, at most. If I sent anyone a personal message that would be cheating and I don't want to give anyone and unfair advantage. But this is fun for me so I will do that for a while rather than making a commitment to serve anyone.

And Happy Birthday to Jennifer, Colleen's younger sister. I was her running coach when she was about 8 years old. She was really good. If she had stuck with it I think she could have been an Olympic class middle distance runner. I remember a birthday gift she gave me (extremely rare). It was a T-shirt that she got "Coach David" printed on the back of.

My username is slavedavid01 on numerous sites, social media and otherwise. But the slavedavid01 on Twitter is NOT me. Luckily, he has no followers, follows only one person, and has not posted in years. But I still don't like it. It is possible somebody might write to him thinking it is me. Or he could post something extremely distasteful that people might attribute to me. I think I am going to write to him and offer to send him $10 via paypal if he will delete that account so that I can claim it. I probably won't use it because I have a few other Twitter accounts. But I'd have it for DMs with people whom I'd rather not share my other account names. I am slavedavid01 here, Fetlife, Niteflirt, Snapchat, MyFreeCams, YouTube, and others I can't think of. If you find me on another site using a different name then please take a brief look at my content. If it is fetish related then feel free to post anything you want to me. But if it is mostly of a vanilla and non-kink nature then please restrict any public exchanges with me to things of a non-kink nature. I am a closet case and wish to keep my lives separate.

I have changed my profile pic back to an old classic. Rachael is not really my mistress any more but we are still friends, we correspond, and I gift her regularly. But hopefully having a pic holding that sign will help deter the spam I continuously get from online financial dommes.

As far as live servitude: I serve two women, Mistress Judith and Mistress Lynn. I broke things off with Mistress Suzanne. If any woman in the New Orleans area would like to contact me regarding live servitude, feel free. We can talk. I do housework, yard work, run errands, and submit to various forms of bondage and impact play. I am not exclusive to anyone but my two existing mistresses have first dibs on my time. I am not, however, interested in any online relationships with financial dommes. If I ever do that again I will contact one of the women I served in the past. There are several of them that I am still fond of.

Last paragraph deleted upon editing after thinking better of it.

I've continued having little online contests. This last one was won by Annabell. It involved nothing more than happening to view something of mine on social media and sending me a video message to tell me the winning code that I gave. I was mildly surprised as I didn't think she followed me that closely. I was also surprised when I saw that Marta had viewed the media that contained the winning code as I have not corresponded with her in years and did not think that she ever viewed anything that I post. I know that Kelsey would not send a reply even if she saw the winning code. But it was posted in a place that every woman I served online for more than a month during the last four years knows about. I decided that if nobody wins a contest then the prize will roll over into the next one just as they do when nobody wins the lottery. Nobody submitted a winning entry in April so that prize was added to the May prize which Annabell won.

If I ever decide to have a contest for my live contacts it would most likely have clues on Fetlife, where I am followed by all my live contacts.

I will be leaving on another business trip either Wednesday or Thursday. The last one was quite good and I enjoyed spreading the good fortune around. I sent Rachael a bonus. I gave in to temptation and sent some to Domme Rachel. I had that contest. I offered to take my two live mistresses out to dinner, although neither has yet taken me up on it. And I will spend more on my mother than usual for Mother's Day, which is tomorrow. I also paid off most of my intermediate debt for which I'd been making monthly payments, and I paid off my financial backer in full for a car that I have been using and was buying from him. If the next trip or two is good I can start attacking some of my long term debt. This includes a mortgage on my house held by my younger sister who lent me a great deal of money to pay off back property taxes a little over a year ago.

I just have to avoid being crippled by mood swings. Physical exercise helps very much in this regard as well as just keeping active in general. But if I just do nothing for a couple of days and don't work out it is like I can already feel depression setting in.

Another housework session at Miss Lynn's with no impact play. I don't get it. The first couple of times I went there she was like an over the top sadist. Now nothing for about the last 5 or 6 visits. I had a good scene with her at a recent party at the club. I haven't had the courage to bring this up with her but it really disappoints me. She made reference to this guy, Jerry, who is a sub of one of her friends and is a super pain slut. It is almost like if she thinks that since I'm not on his level as a pain slut that I'm not into impact play. Now, I did go over some exercises with her. She does not want me really as a trainer but simply wants advice on equipment and some specific exercise suggestions.

Happy Birthday, Colleen, my very first little princess. Colleen lived across the street from the house I grew up in, from age 2 through 22. I played basketball with her and taught her gymnastics. I was in college and she was 9 years old. I haven't seen her in over 30 years. I guess she is making 48 today. I used to send her presents from "a secret admirer". I also sent gifts to her mother and sisters. But Colleen was my favorite. I hope she is doing well.

This site is difficult. I try to upload a new photo. It makes it my main profile photo, which I didn't want. So I click to remove the photo and it removes all photos. What a pain.

Looks like I'll probably be working for Miss Judith Wednesday and Miss Lynn on Thursday.

I ordered Rachael an article of clothing that will probably look fantastic on her. I hope she sends me a picture. It is coming all the way from China, though, so it takes a while. I ordered it two weeks ago and tracking said it is still not expected to get there for a week.

Domme Rachel posted a pic on Snapchat yesterday using this filter that made her look really gross. If I look at that enough it should be a sufficient turn off. Some of the filters are cute but not this one.

Time to go work out. Miss Lynn commented on one of my instagram posts that she would like me to help her with fitness. I will find out if she is serious. I would have to go really slow with her as I know she has some health problems. But that is my passion and nothing motivates me more than someone wanting me to help assist with fitness. I have seen pictures of Miss Lynn when she was in high school. She was heavy set then so it is likely that she has never been fit or athletic. Working with a middle aged person who has never been on a fitness program could be a big challenge. Someone who was once in good shape and has gotten out of shape is way different. They at least understand that the physical discomfort you feel when exercising is normal and that you are not about to die.

Domme Rachel's birthday is not until July. I will do my best not to gift her until then. I would really like to find someone who could take her place. Somebody who I found attractive and would turn me on and cater to my fetishes but for whom I would feel nothing emotionally. But I think that is only possible when I go quickly from one to another. And that just feels so empty. I wonder if I would have developed feelings for Domme Rachel if she were some random girl and not Rachael's close friend. I will never know the answer to that. But it sure was fun for the short time that I was serving them both and things were going well. It was like some kind of kinky online threesome, in my mind anyway. I have one video saved that the two of them did together for me. It is one of my favorites.

Yesterday turned out to be a good service and play day at Miss Judith's. I was going to ride my bicycle over, which is about 23 miles, but thunderstorms were on the way. So I tried to drive there before the weather got bad so that I could do the outdoor work. No such luck. There was rain and hail. So I swept & mopped inside, changed a lightbulb, took out the garbage, etc. Then, with lots of time left, she first whipped my bottom, then she chained my hands and put me on the bed for lots of whipping with the riding crop as well as ball squeezing and punching. It was a good session. I still had some bruises from the session with Miss Lynn at Saturday night's play party at the club. There is another party at the club this coming Saturday. I'm thinking of going but have not decided for sure.

Well, things are patched up with Rachael. She had the absurd idea that Domme Rachel was anything close to her in my eyes. I have seen Rachael as a domme, a little sister, a daughter, a friend, and nearly every kind of person dear to me I can think of. I can't even begin to define what she is in my life. I have truly psychologically adopted her and to me she is much more like a family member than an online acquaintance.

Yes, I love Domme Rachel. But it is more like a weak romantic love combined with a strong lust. It is an addiction. She makes great domination videos and tells me lies that cause me to bond with her emotionally. She is an expert manipulator of men. I won't lie. I feel like contacting her right now and just believing every lie she tells me. She gives me an enormous thrill. But she also sends me into states of depression each time I see the truth and it becomes obvious that I am totally insignificant to her. If it were anything like 50:50 I would endure it. But I am on that excited high perhaps 5% of the time and down in the dumps 95% of the time. But all I seem to remember are the highs and that gives me the cravings to get back with her. And then, after I am, it is like, "oh yeah, this is why I ended things last time."

Rachael tells me that I can talk about things with her directly. But I can't really because I hate for her to be angry with me and she gets mad when I complain about anything. She was confused about why I was willing to talk about problems with Domme Rachel. It is because I was willing to walk away from Domme Rachel if we couldn't work things out. But I am not willing to walk away from Rachael. I want her in my life even if things are not the way I would like them. I can find another Domme Rachel. There are thousands of beautiful young vamps on the internet who will put on any act to take an old man's money. But Rachael can't be replaced.

And now I'm in the dog house with Rachael. I just can't win.

Okay, I communicated with Domme Rachel to let her know that I held no I'll will, wished her the best, and sent her a gift. I don't like to leave things ugly and I feel better now.

I don't know if I'm ready to do the same with Mistress Suzanne. I think she will either be ugly or try to pull me back in. The truth is that someone that dominant cannot have a submissive as a fitness instructor, or any type of instructor. She either needs to tone it down several notches or get someone who is more dominant than her and can put her in her place. That's not me. I want to work with a cooperative student who has a good attitude.

There is something I want that I am simply not going to get. So be it. Wednesday I'll be working for Miss Judith. The grass needs cutting again. I have promises to keep tomorrow and I always keep promises.

I'm still hoping for something.

Kelsey updated her profile pic on Facebook. She is smiling, which is unusual for her, and is wearing what looks like a Mexican hat probably at a restaraunt. Her dog, Benj, is still up there. He must be quite old now. I wonder if he is still alive.

I feel a tiny bit guilty about something with Domme Rachel and may do something about it because I am not a person who carries grudges and I don't believe in vengeance. But I doubt that she feels any guilt about how she treated me and is likely barely aware that it was anything out of the ordinary. I am not looking to serve her again but I hate this feeling that there is a dark cloud hanging over.

I have some tasks to do for Miss Lynn on Friday. She is leaving town and has her three dogs in boarding. I have to go pick them up and bring them back to her house. Two of them are no problem. But one of them is super anxious and full of energy. I'm worried that it breaks loose and runs. A leash will be good for the other two but I think I will have to bring a large pet carrier to put her young border collie, Pip, in. But I like being assigned such tasks as it makes me feel like I'm being used properly as a slave. I am a real slave and like to be used for real practical service, not just play games dressed in bdsm gear (a fantasy slave).

The CFnm party Saturday night was incredible. I believe there may have been close to a hundred people. There was enough food for 3 or 4x the people on hand so I brought home much of what I brought.

I had a good scene with Miss Lynn and two other women. During the party Miss Lynn called me over and said to the woman next to her, a rope expert, that she'd like her to tie me up. I had my chains on ready to be attached to a cross or something but she wanted to use rope, but had me keep the chains on anyway. She put me in this type of hog tie. When I struggled it would hurt and pull hard on my ankles. Then Miss Lynn started on me, mostly with a riding crop. The excitement and struggle had me perspiring heavily, plus it was quite warm in the building. They threw cold water on me and continued. I was also given tickle torture, which was difficult as the restraints would hurt as I squirmed.

Miss Lynn would ask me for numbers and such, or color indicators as to my pain level and if I wanted to continue. This is the only part I didn't like because it takes me out of my head space, which I was deeply into in this session. There are different types of masochists and sadists. For some it is simply this give and receive pain game. One person likes to take, the other likes to give, so they see how far they can go before the masochist says to stop. That is not my thing at all. I am in a totally different fantasy. My fantasy is one where I am in a female dominated world where all men are slaves. I am owned either by a strict mistress who punishes me harshly for small infractions or a sadistic mistress who enjoys torturing her slaves. It is for her to decide when I have had sufficient punishment or torture. It is not for me to tell them when to stop. In my mind, if I have to call the session then we have both failed.

There was this really hot scene with two women near the end of the night, heavy bondage, choking, some nipple pinching, etc. The bottom had a really good body. It was about the hottest scene I'd ever observed.

Miss Judith was unable to make it. I think she would have enjoyed it although she may have had difficulty maneuvering through the large crowd. It they got this type of crowd on a regular basis they would need a larger facility.

I probably could have gotten some more action but I am so unskilled socially that I don't respond properly when women send me signals. This black women says to me, "you have a beautiful body." I looked, smiled, and said, "thank you". After a moment of silence she smiled and walked off. I guess I blew that one. Then another one, also an attractive black woman, calls, "oh, Slave David". We had not been introduced so she must have asked someone my name or remembered from the introductions. I walked over and she asked, "do you have a pair of needle nose pliers?" An odd request. I said, "no, I'm sorry I don't." She said she was trying to do something and I guess I didn't take this as a clue to start talking more or something but she also just waited a moment and then called someone else over.

I guess I'm just waiting for a domme to grab me by the collar and drag me some place to start a play scene. That is just not going to happen very often. I have to get over my shyness. I am not shy about being naked in front of a bunch of people. But I am shy about approaching people and striking up conversations.

The other interesting thing was a person who I've seen at the club many times. This person, who appears to be an attractive young female with a shaved head, does not identify her/himself as being of either gender. There are a few of these types and it is difficult for me talking to or about them without a gender label. But for this party, this person chose to identify as a man. Gender identity is required at this particular party because the men are required to be naked. So I wondered how this was going to play out. Somebody told me that this was a transgender, female to male. I would see. At the start of the party each male is required to get up in front of the group, introduce himself, tell what services he'll be providing, and then strip naked in front of the group. So this person gets up. First the top come off to reveal very nice female boobs. As she/he took off the pants I expected there would be a dick. But, no, just a normal female body. So to me this just appears to be an attractive young female calling herself a man. I don't get it but that's cool. I know that I am just as weird. The cool thing about kink clubs is that everyone is accepted and feels at home.

I look forward to the next play party.

I like Miss Lynn's comment on that she'd like another female to help restrain me while she knees me in the balls. This party might be fun. I will have a little bonus for Rachael next week. I hope she will surprise me but I'm not going to nag. I am in North Carolina and will be leaving early to drive 11 hours back to New Orleans for the party tomorrow night. Miss Judith still doesn't know if she'll make it.

I know that Miss Lynn will be attending the party Saturday but Miss Judith may not be. If Miss Judith is there I will feel like I have more purpose as I can attend to her needs. This does not prevent me from serving or playing with others. But it keeps me from feeling awkward when nobody else is using me. Miss Lynn pays very little attention to me at these parties. While at first I thought she might be over the top on the sadistic side, she has now shown no interest in play with me the last several visits I've made to her house. She has just talked to me as if I'm a friend who is cleaning her house and doing her yard as a favor. I think she may be disappointed that I am not a super hard masochist, in her opinion, who she can beat to a bloody pulp. So it could be that play within my tolerance range is not exciting to her. I really hope things can turn for the better with her because I like her. But I am not going to give her five hours a week of household service in exchange for conversation. But the big plus I get with her is that she is very well connected in the local bdsm community. She got me into the club and introduced me to many people. To fall out of favor with her would be bad for me socially.

Things are going well with Miss Judith and she has even spoken of bringing in this other women to also dominate me... a very attractive woman who grooms her dog. This is very exciting.

As for my online life, well, for now it is only Rachael. I still love Domme Rachel but she is simply too insensitive to my feelings. She has not figured out that I'm a big baby who craves attention and gets his feelings hurt very easily. Rachael has figured that out, which is why we are still going after over five years.

Well, Rachael and I have now talked about the big event in her life that I was upset about her keeping from me. I feel much better now and I hope that she does as well. Feeling shut out by someone you love is a terrible feeling. The big thing was her getting back together with a guy with whom she had a painful breakup over a year ago. He was going through lots of problems at the time and she has reason to believe that things will be different this time. I wish her the best.

I will be traveling on business most of next week but hope to make it back in time to attend a social function at the local bdsm club. This is going to be a CFnm party, which stands for Clothed Females naked males. The men are all nude slaves and supply all the food and drink. And we serve all the females in attendance. Sometimes there is bdsm play also, sometimes it is just socializing. I have been to two of these and they are lots of fun.

Yesterday I set a personal best time on one of my toughest workouts. It involves rope skips, heavy kettlebell swings, some ab moves, and dumbbell burpies. It is a very intense half hour routine with only very short breathers. I beat my previous best by over a minute, which is quite significant for someone who is already highly conditioned. More usual is for me to shave a second or two off a previous record. I had not done this routine in a while and I think my ramped up regimen and diet, especially adding more beans, was helpful.

I am in chat with Rachael on Twitter as I write this. We had not been in contact in about a week. It feels very awkward making small talk with her as this big major thing has happened in her life that she is not telling me about and I have to avoid it. It makes all else we chat about seem so trivial. Unfortunately, I think this is a sign that while we may have once been close friends that she now sees me as an extremely casual acquaintance and no longer wishes to share or discuss personal things with me. I tell her about everything in my life and about my deepest feelings. I think I will feel silly doing that if she is only listening to be polite. But I do very much appreciate that she is polite, has made an effort to be cordial, and has gone to great lengths to not hurt my feelings. I still love her and it saddens me how far we have drifted.

I still think about Domme Rachel and wish it had worked. But it is a really painful memory: my getting up early to call her at the time she designated and just sitting there with tears in my eyes as I call over & over, leave voice and text messages, and just know that she hears the phone ringing, knows that it is me, and is just ignoring it as she laughs to herself thinking, "yeah, right, like I really feel like talking to him, lol. As if... " I don't know how she could be so mean.

Something really big happened in Rachael's life but she did not choose to share it with me. I'm uncertain why. But that is her choice so I won't bring it up.

I just spent a frustrating day at City Hall trying to deal with their illogical rules concerning my homestead exemption. I've been overtaxed for the last four years and want a refund.

I was able to get much done this month after a good business trip last month. I will leave on another shortly and will then hopefully be able to take care of other matters that have been on the back burner.

I've been getting up at 5am and riding my bike to the gym and then riding home. This gets me up and moving early and I have found myself full of energy. I usually take a power nap at some point mid day.

The president is having a press conference now so I guess I'll get off of here and watch.

Things have ended with the additional domme, Miss Suzanne. She wanted me to be her personal trainer and meet her at the gym every morning at 5am. I did this for two weeks. But her daily negativity was bringing me down too much. Additionally, she was quite rude in public and would not allow me to execute the program I outlined that was based on her goals and physical limitations. She was uncooperative, belligerent, had ear buds with music on and would not look at me as I tried to explain things to her. I just walked out of the gym. Things went great the couple of times I did housework slaving in her home. But that is different. I am there to follow her orders and be a slave. In the gym I am supposed to be an instructor and she is a stubborn know it all. I had to pull the plug as I don't want to get everyday started on the wrong foot.

I got lots of outdoor stuff done at Miss Judith's. I cleaned out the gutters surrounding her house that were full of leaves and debri. And it is an ongoing project with Miss Lynn going through her house that is filled with the things of her deceased parents. She is living in a small apartment that is behind the main house. The main house is in need of repair, cleaning, and clearance of old junk.

Miss Lynn invited me to a pool party today. I have neither accepted or declined. She said there is a high privacy fence and there will be nude swimming and I can provide service to the ladies if I wish. I'll see how I feel later today.

Happy Easter Collarspace

I have taken on a third real time domme. I am not sneaking around or cheating on anyone. They all understand that I am non-exclusive and that they own me only when I'm there working for them.

The new domme is Mistress Suzanne. She wants me to be her personal trainer and also do housework/yard work. I do the personal training daily because I enjoy it and can workout myself at the same time. We meet at Planet Fitness each morning at 5am. We have had five of these sessions and it is going well. I worked at her house once. It is very convenient that she lives right around the corner from one of my other mistresses, Miss Lynn and the gym is right in that neighborhood. Today I met Miss Suzanne to work out and then went right to Miss Lynn's for 6:15am and did some yard work before it started raining. Miss Judith and I were not able to coordinate our schedules this week and I'll be leaving tomorrow for a 3 to 4 day business trip.

Before I broke things off with Domme Rachel I would be happy if I saw that she viewed my Snapchats. Now it makes me sad. But I really think I gave her every possible chance.

I had emailed her a slave contract. I mentioned what she might expect from me and the things that I would like to be able to expect from her. I wanted her to make comments and suggestions and after it when back and forth a little we would have a finalized agreement. She refused to address it at all. She didn't tell me she refused. As with anything, she tells me what I want to hear. But what she does is always entirely different. So we remained in what I called the "negotiation stage". Then she sends me a text asking for money without addressing anything from the email I'd sent. That pissed me off because I was not really yet her slave. But I sent it anyway as a sign of good faith. Then I messaged her that if we could talk on the phone we could probably get through a month's worth of stuff in 10 to 15 minutes. So she wrote me back and asked, "would tomorrow morning be okay?" I said that it was and asked her what time. The time she said would be 5am my time. But I agreed and set alarms on three different devices to make sure I was up on time. She did not answer. I texted and left voice messages and called again. I did this several times. I checked other social media to see if I could find evidence that she was online and ignoring my call. I did find this on Instagram. She had been there and had activity during the time I was trying to call her. So I then messaged her a goodbye.

This was not the same as not answering a random call. This was not showing up for a scheduled teleconference. A conference that she designated the day and time for. It shows a blatant disregard for the value of the time of others and a total lack of commitment to follow through on promises that she makes. And this was not the total reason for my ending it. This was simply the last straw. I believe she knew full well I was dissatisfied with her refusal to have any sustained discussion with me and this would be her chance to set things right.

I can't believe it: Domme Rachel actually viewed my Snapchat story today. That is so unusual. It is hard for me to believe that I occupied 30 seconds of her thoughts.

Wow, I didn't mention Domme Rachel in that entry below. I'm making progress.

I sent Rachael some cute little bunny vests that were on her Amazon lists but I'm afraid they are going to be too small.

I am going to the party tonight at the bdsm club to play Wheel of Misfortune. I'm kind of scared because neither of the two women that I do housework slaving are certain to be there. Miss Judith said she might not go and Miss Lynn said she might not be there until 10pm. Doors open at 7:30 and it starts at 8pm. What concerns me is that so many dommes are into anal play... sticking stuff up men's asses. I'm not into that and hope I don't land on a spot on the wheel that includes that. I can pass if I don't like what I land on. But if a slave passes twice then he is out of the game. And appearing to be a wimp in any way will do nothing to enhance my popularity among the local dommes.

Miss Suzanne, several weeks after I first met her on a coffee date to discuss things, finally arranged a session with me. I'm going to serve her on Monday. She wants to start early in the morning, 5:15am. She wants me to meet her at the gym and be her personal trainer. After that we will go to her house and she has some outdoor work for me to do in her yard. I did mostly yard work in my last visits to Miss Lynn and Miss Judith. Anyway, if her usually time of preference is 5:15am then we will usually finish before noon. This means that I could often schedule with Miss Lynn or Miss Judith for the same day. If I could serve three women in just two days that would be great. Also, Miss Lynn lives less than 2 miles from Miss Suzanne so that would be really convenient. Miss Lynn used to belong to the club and I hope she starts going again. I'm shy when I'm around only strangers or people I don't know well. I like it when one of my mistresses is around.

I just wrote and deleted my journal entry because I don't want to speak poorly of my former Domme. I realize that I was not important in her life. But I hope she grows up before she loses someone who is. The next time it might be someone who really matters. I will do my best to forgive her and pray for her.

I ordered Rachael some cute little vests for her bunnies. I can't wait to see them wearing them.

Yesterday I worked at Miss Judith's and did mostly yard work. I took care to cover my head but did not think to wear sunblock. I am sunburned today. In the summer I think of it but my mind has not yet entered sunblock mode this year.

I still feel bad about Domme Rachel, of course, but I think I'm handling it well. It is really a four part plan to fight off depression: Exercise, vitamin D (natural... sunshine), Omega 3s, and avoidance of alcohol. The alcohol itself does not cause depression but it helps you to just sit back and wallow in self-pity and makes you less concerned with keeping active and getting proper nutrition. It doesn't really make you drown your sorrows. It makes you drown in them.

I may work for Mistress Lynn today or tomorrow but I haven't heard from her. I can't do it Friday because I'm going to a Beatles tribute concert with two of my sisters. And Saturday is the party at the BDSM club.

I wake up and as I check the social media apps and see messages I sent Domme Rachel days ago still unread it reinforces in my mind that I did the right thing ending it.

I set alarms on three different devices to make sure I was up to call Domme Rachel at the time she assigned me. I called six times and let the phone ring for as long as it would each time. I left voice messages and text messages in between each call. The texts were successfully delivered to her phone so I know she had a signal and her phone was working. And she had activity on Instagram during the time period I was trying to call her. So obviously I was being ignored.

She has done this to me again and again. She makes promises to me, tells me that she is going to do something, and then doesn't. I get all excited in anticipation and am then hurt and depressed each time she lets me down. Well this was the last time. I am tired of being played for a total fool.

I'm having my first live phone call with Domme Rachel tomorrow morning. She told me to call her at 10:30am. That is 5:30am for me. It is normally a six hour difference but they don't have daylights savings time. I had a little discussion with Rachael this evening about how crushed I will be if Domme Rachel does not answer the phone. I don't think Rachael quite understands what this means to me. Domme Rachel has disappointed me again and again by making promises to me about things she will do and then never following through. She knows how much this means to me. If she doesn't answer the phone tomorrow morning we will likely be through. When she disappoints me I am depressed, I end up getting up two or three hours late, I don't feel like doing anything. I can't keep going through this. I will now go to bed early, 9:25pm, and set my alarm for 5am.

Now Rachel has come back at me in domme mode and I'm again turned on and excited. I will be optimistic. She can be a domme to me and we can also be friends. We just have to get it worked out.

I just sent a couple of wish list items to my little angel. I love looking over her Amazon list. These are a couple UNI things but aren't due to be delivered until the 27th.

I am again getting pessimistic about things with Domme Rachel. If she were stupid I could overlook some of this stuff. But she is not. She has done well on her job, she was an excellent university student, she speaks multiple languages, etc. She is a highly intelligent person. So I can't pass off what she does as her being young and stupid. I attribute it to her assigning zero importance to anything we talk about or to anything she agrees on with me. If these were university or job assignments she would do them perfectly and on time. But since they are things she promised me they simply do not carry any weight. They are a non-priority. I will decide within the next week whether it is worth going on with what I thought would be two or three months of trial servitude.

I think I am going to go Tuesday night to an educational type discussion at the local BDSM club. The theme is negotiations. This concerns live servitude. I have actually been pretty successful in that department. My live mistresses and I all know what we expect of each other. For some reason this seems to be difficult with some online dommes. It is probably because many are not really in the lifestyle and are just going through the motions for some other reason, usually money.

Domme Rachel just posted a Snapchat of herself & her sister Katie. I wonder if she went back to Glasgow or if Katie came to see her in Manchester. We have been chatting a little but I'm not going into any real slave & Domme play until she covers all the topics I emailed her about. I want us to have a clear understanding and agreement. Both my live mistresses are going to this party next Saturday at the local kinkster club. There is supposed to be some game called the Wheel of Misfortune. A sub spins it and has to submit to the item landed on. I wish I knew more about it. If I play and then chicken out when I land on something severe it will look bad.

Well I heard from Domme Rachel this morning. She left me a minute long voice recording, which I very much like. She said she had gone out with friends and had lost her phone. I believe her. I checked the Instagram log to see the "like" activity of followers and saw that while she liked a few pics today there was no activity for four days prior. I feel bad for trying to verify her story but she has not been very honest with me in the past. She is worried about some situation at work and I told her that I would pray for her, which I am. I didn't get much sleep both because I was upset thinking that Domme Rachel had blown me off and because some rodents seem to have nested in my wall and they were scratching around and making noise all night.

Rachael warned me that I should not expect things to be any different than the first time if I got involved with Domme Rachel again. I knew she was probably right but I took a chance anyway. She could be right. I remember the highs but I forget about the lows. I write her a few messages: emails, snapchat, instagram, and whatsapp and it appears she has viewed none of them or contacted me in the last two days. Again, even if I just saw that she read them I would feel like I was in her universe even if she did not reply. But when she hasn't even viewed them it says that I have not even crossed her mind in the last couple of days. She got push notifications and was not even curious enough to look.

Now, after reading some of her Facebook I have decided that I should not take this personally. I was looking at the comments that were made under some photos she posted. A comment under a post she wrote shortly after moving to Manchester was from her father. It said, "a wee text would be appreciated". As bad as I feel I guess I would feel lots worse if my own daughter treated me that way. Perhaps she just worries about her own emotional needs and doesn't appreciate that the people who love you need to feel connected to you.

I won't have this problem with live servitude. I actually spend several hours live with the women I do housework slaving for every week. Online relationships takes more effort. The next time we communicate I will tell Domme Rachel that I need to speak to her voice and will try to drive that point home a little harder. And if she will be out of touch for a few days it is easy enough to drop me a quick note and tell me that she'll be very busy the next couple of days.

Marta posted a pic on Instagram today. She looked very pretty. I almost felt like writing to her but I didn't. But I did like the pic.

I got back from my trip Sunday evening. Neither of my housework dommes had scheduled a day with me for this week yet but Mistress Lynn texted me Monday morning and I went and worked there in the afternoon. I have to bring my mother to a doctor appt today so Wednesday will be my only available day, except possibly Thursday morning if either Mistress Judith or Suzanne want me to work as I am going on another trip starting Thursday afternoon.

As I mentioned in the last couple of posts, I decided I want Domme Rachel back in my life because I miss her. We are having negotiations but it will not be exactly like before. She will have to have some interactive video sessions with me occasionally. I've gotten used to seeing women live and don't know if written messaging and texting alone would suffice for me. I only had one video session with Rachael but it went well because she is a chatter box and I am kind of shy, at least at first. If the person I'm talking to is somewhat reserved then there will be awkward silence. I will see how it goes with Domme Rachel.

I don't think that Domme Rachel really understands why certain things bother me. She thinks I get mad or upset when she doesn't read a message or watch a video message I send. That's not it. The message may say nothing important at all and it may be no big deal to me whether she views the message. But it hurts my feelings that she does not have any interest in viewing it or seeing what I have to say to her. It shows me that it is an effort for her, that I am a chore. Now she tells me that she is going to "make an effort". Well, I suppose that's better than nothing. But if she enjoyed our interaction it would not be an effort. But I'm addicted to her so I will graciously accept the attention I get from her and hope that things work out.

At first I thought Rachael might be angry at me for wanting to renew things with Domme Rachel. But I guess she isn't. She just doesn't want to be involved in it. It will be a little difficult because I tell Rachael everything that goes on in my life. I will just have to start kind of slow with Domme Rachel and make sure we are on the same page completely about what we expect of each other. I would like to sometimes actually talk on the phone and occasionally have video chat sessions.

Miss Suzanne finally got back in touch with me. It appears she was not paying any attention to her Fetlife notifications. She wants me twice a week but I told her that simply would not be possible as I serve two other women. I might not even be able to see her every week. Although, being her personal fitness trainer very much appeals to me. It is something non-kink related that I am very much into.

I worked for Miss Judith a couple of days ago and did her yard. She has a huge front and back yard. In fact, the mower usually needs to be refilled about half way through. I was supposed to cut grass for Miss Lynn also but her mower is not working.

A couple of more spammers here contacting me without viewing my profile or journal, no personalization of the message at all, and asking me to contact them some place off site... totally inappropriate for a first contact. Something that could have easily been sent out to dozens of different people without any modification. Obvious spam.

I think I have to face the fact that I can't get everything I need from one woman. I guess i always knew that. Rachael fills an important part of what I need. The group at the local bdsm club fills another social need. The two dommes I do housework for give me physical domination and fill another need. But I have had to admit to myself that Domme Rachel also fills a very important need of mine that has been missing since things ended with her. She gives me certain feelings that I'm not getting elsewhere. I am going to start back with her on a limited basis. I'm not in position to jump back into it fully.

I have talked about this with Rachael. She and Domme Rachel are very good friends as I've mentioned before, and it was Rachael who introduced her to me. I appreciate that Rachael doesn't want to see me get hurt again, and maybe I will. I may be able to avoid being hurt if I can simply remember that I am not really that special to Domme Rachel. When I feel that I am, that is when I end up getting my feelings hurt. I'll send her a text or video message. Now, I am not impatient about not getting a reply. I know she could be busy or the right words may not immediately come to her. But with most apps you can now see whether the recipient has viewed the message you sent. When I send her a message, and then see that after three days that she has not even viewed it, then my feelings get hurt. It drives home to me just how totally insignificant I am to her. If I am going to serve her again I have to get over that. I have to realize that I am nothing to her, but that I AM turned on by the little bit of attention I do get from her. And for some totally stupid reason that I can't even explain, I love her.

I had coffee with this new prospective mistress last week and it seemed to go well. But she has not yet contacted me about an actual service day. I am currently busy and don't have tons of time. But when I do I will advertise myself available again if she doesn't contact me. Of course, Mistresses Judith and Lynn will be my first priority. But each woman has her own flavor and I could handle a third on an occasional basis.

That's for my live service life. As for online... I have my beautiful little angel, Rachael, as always. But for some idiotic reason I keep thinking about Domme Rachel. I know I mean absolutely nothing to her but I'm drawn to her just the same. Her lies are a turn-on even though know they are lies. It is so stupid.

Miss Lynn has me booked for tomorrow afternoon. Something is going on at the club tonight that Miss Judith mentioned. I said I might go. I'll have to take a look now and see what it is.

I posted on my Fetlife profile that my schedule is now full. But if Miss Suzanne does not book me for a session soon I will again say that I'm available for service. The only thing I don't like about the idea of working for her is that she has a live in male lover. That makes it not ideal. I want to make sure that he knows that I am going there doing nude housework. I don't want him coming home unexpectedly one day and wondering what the fuck is going on. I'm considering possibly working in a chastity device while I'm there so that it is plain to see we are not fucking. I'm just there to do housework and get slapped around.

Miss Lynn wasn't feeling well and cancelled on me. That was a bummer. I made sure to make today free. I'm supposed to work for Miss Judith on Saturday but I am going to have to somehow schedule around lunch with my sister on Saturday. We need to talk business about our real estate partnership and this is the only time she has available.

Miss Suzanne and I have agreed in principle but she has not yet given me a date to show up and serve. I am confused as to what she has in mind. In an email today she said she usually does not like to have an impact session after a service session. I'm confused. I need to know what she envisions a typical day to be.

Dialogue has slowed with Domme Rachel. Even though she told me that she doesn't mind and that I'm not wasting her time, I still feel like I am. I feel awkward writing to her if I'm not sending her money because I am skeptical whether she really sees me as a friend.

It is not quite the same with Rachael although I still feel somewhat obligated to her. I can have a different type of relationship with her because I respect her as a person. I think she is a good person on a very fundamental basis. I did fall in love with her three different times. But all the while I still had a different type of fondness for her as well. Domme Rachel is a big turn on and is lots of fun. But I don't see myself developing the same type of feelings for her that I have for Rachael. I will never see her as a daughter or niece. I could easily fall in love with her again but I think a more avuncular type of relationship would be difficult.

My little angel is fun and can always bring a smile to my face. She is the one good thing to come out of my years of online servitude.

I hope my sister knows that after my mother dies her days of hanging out here all the time will be over.

I had coffee with a woman last week who advertised that she was looking for a domestic slave. It went well. She used to belong to the local bdsm club that I visit. I expected her to schedule a day with me this coming week but she hasn't. I'm working for Miss Lynn on Wednesday and have yet to schedule a day for Miss Judith.

I wish that I could get as inspired about cleaning my own house as I am about doing work for these dommes.

Domme Rachel asked me for money last week. I had to explain to her that I can't serve her and than I'm not doing online financial domination any more. Yes, these girls are way more beautiful than anyone I could hope to serve in real life. But I would rather do housework for middle aged women than simply correspond online with young beautiful women. She says that she does not expect me to be sending her money and acts as if she likes me. But I doubt there will be much communication without tribute.

I went to a party at the local bdsm club on Friday night. It was a play part and was fun. I didn't engage in any play but would have had I been asked. But I still enjoy visiting and watching other play scenes. The only bad part was when leaving. Miss Judith uses a power wheelchair and inconsiderate people had parked blocking the ramps. And some people were rather rude when we tried to find out who the vehicles belonged to so that we could ask them to move.

Since I first came into contact with Domme Rachel, a year and a half ago, she had an inactive instagram account. Until the other day she hasn't posted in 2 years. But she started posting pics a few days ago. Today she posted a picture of what looked like a cigarette case with a pic of Marlboro Cigarettes on the front. It is weird how in just that instant she became unattractive.

I had good sessions on Friday and Saturday with my two mistresses, Miss Judith and Miss Lynn. We are using various restraints to prevent my involuntary defensive maneuvers that occur during play.

I had a good workout today and set a personal best time on one of my most difficult HIIT routines. It is good to see that I can still set personal bests occasionally at my age. I finished this routine in just under 24 minutes. I previously had never beaten the 25 minute mark.

Domme Rachel has posted a few Snapchats with her sister, Katy. It appears they are in Rome. I hope she is not going to see Matteo. But I won't dwell on that. I'm glad she didn't go alone, although I don't know how much influence or control her sister would have in stopping her from doing anything she had her mind set on.

Tomorrow night is the auction/raffle at the local bdsm club. It should be a fun night. I am working for Mistress Lynn in the late afternoon and will proceed to the club from there, which is maybe a mile from her house. She said she has a new toy that she can't wait to try on me. I'm nervous about this. In seeing some of the other tops in action at the club there is a type of phase they go through in getting the sub into a particular type of head space. Mistress Lynn does not do much of that. She just starts hitting hard from the start. Mistress Judith was at the event last night and will be at the event tomorrow night as well. She also got a new toy to use on me. But in her case I know what it is... a special ball busting foam bat. I suspect with Mistress Lynn it is some sort of restraining device. I hope it is not a humbler.

Joining a local bdsm club, OTK, is the best thing I've done in a long time. I have made lots of new friends and have a nice place to socialize with open minded people. Both of the women I currently slave for belong. It is great fun.

I decided to keep up my journal here really for just one reason: I don't want all of my Fetlife friends to see every journal update. Over there you are notified every time a friend does anything.

One of the ladies I do housework slaving for says she prefers tall skinny guys. But everytime I see that she's followed a new guy on fetlife I check his pics and they are always muscular and ripped.

Just reading the comments left for one of this guy's pics. One woman writes, "I wouldn't kick him out of my kitchen", lol. Now that is my kind of woman.

I definitely spent too long serving women online. I don't know why I was so shy. in the end, Rachael is the only one I'm happy to have served, even though I was completely obsessed with Kelsey and was headed in that direction with Domme Rachel.

I also stuck exclusively with collarspace for too long. I still come here. But Fetlife is really like Facebook for kinksters, seriously. Real people, real social groups, real events, not just spam from scammers.

Last night's CFnm party at the local club was fantastic. There were about 60 people there. I had fun serving the ladies. Both of the women for whom I do household slave work were there. One lady requested a massage and I got several friend requests from people I met there. The only downside is I left without my phone. The GPS tracking device shows it is there. I just hope it is in the building and not in the parking lot. I'll be back there for another party in a couple of weeks when they do their fund raiser auction. People were asked to donate things that members would bid on. I donated six hours of housework.

One of my mistresses uses a large over-sized power wheel chair. I was pleased to be able to set up adequate restroom facilities for her even though she did not have to use them.

Mistress Lynn and I are going to have to better communicate what we want when we play out a scene. I know that she is not satisfied. I seem hesitant to her because I am constantly presented with the unknown. I want to get it straight what kind of implements can be used where and what my limits are. For me, hand slaps and whips are for the buttucks, legs, and back. Punches and kicks are for the genitals... not slaps or whips. If she is not enjoying then I 'm not enjoying it. I do not get pleasure from the pain itself. I get pleasure from the pleasure I see from the domme who is administering it. Right now she and I are on the wrong page. I will have to work it out or she will ruin things for me with all the other women in the local bdsm community. She seems to know everybody and she'll tell them that I'm not into anything.

I am really enjoying being a housework slave. I get many more hours of actual contact than I did with online servitude. I did love some of the girls I served online. But that part of my journey is over. I hope to maintain contact with Rachael and will gift her as my feelings for her go beyond any financial domination fetish.

I like the two women I now serve and hope to add one more. If any woman writes me here about my servitude you will have to live within 50 miles of New Orleans at the very most. Now, when I travel, I am not opposed to scheduling a one time thing. I will clean your place and you can give me some physical abuse. Again, women only.

The scammers here use one of the same tactics that scammers everywhere use. In their very first message they request that you contact them somewhere off site. They don't even intend to check responses to their messages here.

I don't go to deeply into stuff that is not my business, so I left this alone. But the other day when I exchanged a couple DMs with Rachael she told me she was at the wedding reception of the sister of her friend Amy. This threw me. I have followed Amy on Twitter for over 5 years. She has mentioned her mum (mom), dad, brother, gran, her boyfriend, and even her dog. But never once did she ever mention a sister. Even with the wedding that just happened, not a word. To me this is like if Rachael suddenly told me about her sister. She has mentioned a little brother, as has Amy, but never a sister. I'm not sure why this strikes me as so strange, but it does. Oh well, no big deal.

I'm in Vegas and the weather is horrible: cloudy, windy, and cold. I'm staying in to watch football today. I haven't decided whether I'll go down to the sports book and make some bets on the games. The only game I'm really interested in this weekend is the Giants vs Packers game.

Next Saturday another CFnm and I'll be serving. I hope it is not too cold. I'll try to set up a day of housework slaving with Miss Judith and Miss Lynn for next week. I'll feel useful and will get my ass whipped and my balls busted, as well as some electric shock treatment.

I have to resist the temptation to write to female submissives. I have to realize that I have no more appeal to them than a gay male has to me. Worst is when they think they are going to try to be dominant and it just doesn't work. If a woman is not turned on by slapping around a man then she is not going to be able to put on a good act.

A 29 year old chick who lives not too far from me just loved one of my pics on fetlife. I checked out her profile. She's a submissive. That sucks. She says on her profile that she is willing to try anything but I have not had good experiences even with those who call themselves switches. So I didn't write her. I just liked one of her pics. The guy who she says is "protecting" her is a dom, someone I recognize. He was at the little OTK social I recently attended.

The next CFnm even is on Jan 14. That means clothed females, naked males. The men bring all the food and drink and serve the females. I said I'd bring some wine, beer, soft drinks, chips, and pretzels. Mistress Lynn will be there. Mistress Judith has some issues with the facility. I hope it is not cold.

The group needs to raise funds and is having an auction. They are asking members to donate items and services that others will bid on. I donated six hours of housework, nude or clothed.

I'm having fun as a live slave. And I also like being non-monogamous but not cheating. I simply state upfront that I am non-exclusive. But on the day that I'm working for a domme she is my owner for that day.

I have to be extremely careful about committing to serve a third live domme. There is no way I would have time for four, so the third will have to be the last one I take on. I would not want my schedule to be full if my dream mistress came along. I very much enjoy my sessions with Miss Judith and Miss Lynn. I did make contact with one I think I'd like a lot but I don't think she goes for men my age.

I'm starting to get that TMB disease: too many birthdays. I'm 57 today. We fight it but there is no cure for this disease.

It has been five years and I still worry about Rachael on New Year's Eve. She is an adult. I need to get over this. But it has been a few days and I've seen no Tweets, no Snapchats, etc. I worry.

I continue to update on this site out of loyalty, because I'm a loyal guy. But I'm here less frequently because I spend more time on fetlife. There are annoying little problems here that could easily be fixed.

Have a good New Year's celebration everyone.

Miss Judith suggested I shave my body hair. I did it today but don't plan on doing it regularly. As we age our skin begins to lose elasticity. We don't have the smoothness of youth. Some hair helps to hide that.

I had a good Christmas, going to three different family gatherings. I am traveling the first week of the new year so I hope to be able to serve each of my two mistresses one day before I go. Miss Lynn moved into a house that had belonged to her parents and there are loads of stuff to go through, clean, arrange, and decide what needs to be thrown out and what to keep. It is a big project but we have been making a dent in it.

I got an email from Amazon that the gift card I sent Kelsey had been redeemed. So that made me happy. Rachael sent me a pic wearing some red lip stick. She looked beautiful. I wish she would speak more often. She sends little pics and sometimes little vids on Snapchat. But she rarely speaks and I love to hear their voices and their lovely Scottish accents. And I got a little Merry Christmas note from Domme Rachel.

Merry Christmas, kinksters.

In the last couple of weeks I have had brief friendly contact with four different women with whom I'd had periods of servitude of one type of another. I felt bad in each case because I felt that things did not end well. The girl I had been doing housework for, Princess Katey, wrote saying that she was sorry for the way that she had treated me. Goddess Amber, a financial domme in London that I'd briefly served wrote to wish me a nice Christmas. I sent Kelsey a birthday note on Dec 7, her birthday, and she wrote me a thank you note. This was the biggest surprise. I did not expect her to ever communicate with me again. And Domme Rachel just thanked me for a little Christmas gift I sent her. Kelsey and Domme Rachel are both special to me.

I love Kelsey in a special way, the way that I loved Rachael when she was ill... because Kelsey is ill. She had a period of depression as Rachael did, but she has another condition, a form of mental illness from which she will never recover. I wanted so much to be close to her but it was not to be. She would open up for very brief periods but then run back to safety under a rock.

I love Domme Rachel in a different way. She is more domme like than most of the girls I served online. Annabel was more dominant but there was not really any physical attraction. Domme Rachel hits me from both directions. I would love to be her live slave but I'm not doing the online financial domination thing any more. I have come out from under my rock and will now serve women in a live setting.

And then Rachael I love more like a daughter or niece, but I sometimes have lustful feelings toward her also and then I feel ashamed about it. There is no reason why I should be ashamed, but I am. I feel like a dad might feel if he looked at his daughter in a sexy outfit and got a hard on. It is a simple physical reaction but it causes feelings of guilt.

I went to a BDSM/burlesque show with Mistress Judith Friday night. I wasn't quite sure what to expect but it was pretty good. It was called Stripped Into Submission, and there were several acts. The last act was the most extreme, with a professional dominatrix caning her slave all over. He had pink lashes everywhere and was bleeding in some places. That is not my particular style. One chick who was one of the strippers who also did self-inflicted flogging let people come on stage to tip her by using a staple gun to staple dollar bills to her body. If you wanted to staple them to a sensitive area it had to be at least a $20 bill. At the end of the show they had people from the audience go up on stage to get whipped by all the cast members for a tip. The show ended late, almost 3am. Mistress Judith had me stay overnight and mow the lawn before I left the next morning.

For those who don't know the obvious: no pic in your profile then you are assumed to be very ugly. No height and weight, you are assumed to be fat. Why make people believe you are likely less attractive than you are?

My profile photo has now been changed to reflect my new identity as a housework slave. I"m into all this for the bdsm but I feel I should provide a legitimate service to the domme as well. I mean, someone does not have slaves simply for the purpose of beating them. Slaves are expected to function in some useful capacity. With online servitude there is little to offer other than money. With live servitude I can do housework, yard work, run errands, and more.

I got past my colonoscopy again. No polyps. That gross stuff you have to drink while fasting the prior today was not as gross as the last time. Mistress Judith was kind enough to take me for the procedure. For her Christmas present I'm taking her to a bdsm show tomorrow. I got in a good day of slave work for Mistress Lynn on Monday.

Domme Rachel must be home from Manchester for a while. I am glad she is back around people who love her. She has a new facebook Christmas theme pic with her sister, Katie, and has posted snapchats out with her.

I worked for Mistress Lynn today. Just general housework and some outside stuff as well. Tomorrow I have to go for a colonoscopy. Mistress Judith is taking me to the hospital as I won't be able to drive afterwards.

I am not sure how Rachael's semester works or when she gets a Christmas break.

Things are going well now, overall.

Some friend requests on Fetlife: gay male doms. Not people with whom I ever chatted or met in person, no mutual friends, nothing. I say clearly in my profile I am not interested in men. I just feel bad shunning anyone but there is simply no basis for friending them.

I wish I had a real time mistress who was really into health and fitness like I am. One who would like to go running and cycling with me, lift weights, etc. That would be cool. I would do her gardening and keep her house really clean. Any female dominant who this describes remotely, and who lives in the New Orleans area, contact me if you like what you see and hear. I don't care if you're 25 or 55, Black, White, Hispanic, or Asian. However, I will not agree to be exclusive or monogamous unless we at some point wish to be lifelong partners. Until the final commitment all relationships are open. I will not give up the women I now serve on a part time basis.

I was very surprised to see the other day that Domme Rachel had viewed my Snapchat story. Even when i was serving her she never looked at it... perhaps 2 or 3 times in the entire time I served her. When I see something like this I have to imagine that she and Rachael were talking, my name somehow came up, and she got curious. I just don't believe she would think of doing such a thing on her own. I don't think she cares or has any interest in me or anything about me. My not serving her had nothing to do with my not liking her. I loved her. I just knew that I was completely insignificant to her.

It is much the same with Kelsey, although Kelsey has a condition that would make it difficult for her to express any type of fondness for me. It would mean letting down her guard and leaving herself vulnerable. A cold outer shell is the defense of people with her condition. I tried very hard to get behind the wall that she built around herself but she would only allow me an occasional small glimpse.

Rachael, on the other hand, just seems to radiate love and bring joy to every life she touches.

In the time since my servitude with Kelsey ended, almost two years ago. We had not communicated. I sent her gifts for her birthday and Christmas but she did not even acknowledge them. It hurt me and was a heavy burden that someone who had meant so much to me hated me. I had decided not to send her any more gifts as she seemed to want nothing from me. In fact, the last time I had sent her something from her Amazon list she immediately deleted the list.

Well, as I mentioned in the entries below, December 7th was her birthday. She was making 23. I did not send a gift. But I did send her a little note on Facebook. I just wished her a happy birthday, said that I hoped that her life had been going well, and wished her a nice holiday season. I just wanted her to know that I held no ill will towards her despite the mean things she said to me. To my surprise, she replied. All she said was, "Thanks." But this meant the world to me. Kelsey's problems are so extreme, I know that even this was difficult for her. I am not going to push for any ongoing communication. I would just end up getting my feelings hurt again. This is the same reason I did not start serving Domme Rachel again. I knew I would get badly hurt. I am a masochist, but I only find physical pain to be erotic. I can't take the emotional pain of being shunned by someone I love. But in this little acknowledgement from Kelsey I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. And I am very happy about it.

Princess Kelsey and Her Faithful Servant

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a little country that was ruled by a just king. The king had a big castle with many slaves and servants. He lived there with his son, the prince, and a special little girl, his daughter, Princess Kelsey.

From the time that Princess Kelsey was born her father made sure she had all that she wanted or needed. She had three servants assigned just to take care of her. Two of the servants were older women, who were her personal maids. They would help her with all her feminine needs. And she had a male slave also assigned to her who would take care of heavier details, bringing in fire wood, and always protecting her. This was slave David.

Slave David loved his little princess. She was the joy of his life and he would give his life in an instant to keep her from harm. When Princess Kelsey was a little girl David would watch with a close eye as she played outside. Sometimes he would bring her down to the village so that she could play with the peasant children, as there were none her age around the castle. The princess also liked to play alone often, and played make believe games. Slave David built her a swing down near a stream where she liked to play. He would also make her wooden toys. Princess Kelsey was very fond of her faithful servant and always felt safe when he was near.

Princess Kelsey’s older brother, the prince, was not a very nice fellow. He used to tease and make fun of the princess. This infuriated her servant, David, who had trouble restraining himself. One time, during his usual antics, the prince made his little sister cry. This was more than Slave David could take. Nobody dared make his little princess cry, not even the prince. David went after the prince like a wild animal. He shook him and threw him against the wall. He then yanked him up by the arm and threw him across the room. Guards had to restrain the slave. The prince had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm.

The guards put David into the dungeon and reported the incident to the king, who ordered that slave David would be executed. Princess Kelsey was extremely upset. She cried and pleaded with her father to spare the life of her loyal servant. She told her father that her brother was picking on her and that David was protecting her. The king was not a cruel or evil man and he knew that he had, in David, someone who would give his life to keep his daughter safe. So he spared the life of the lowly servant and sentenced him to 60 days in the dungeon. During this time slave David was released for only a couple of hours in the morning to do some hard physical labor and menial duties, after which he was again locked up. While he was out performing his chores in the morning the prince and his friends would call David names and throw rocks at him. David kept up his spirits during this time as he knew the 60 days would pass and he would then be back taking care of his little princess.

Slave David was released after only 30 days for good behavior. He brought Kelsey down to the stream and she was playing on the swing that he had made her. The prince stopped and was about to tease his little sister again. Slave David gave him one hard stare and the prince, remembering his last beating, never made fun of his little sister again.

On Princess Kelsey’s 8th birthday her father gave her a pony. The little princess loved the pony. David would put on the saddle and lift the princess on top of it when ever she wanted to go for a ride. Slave David didn’t ride but he jogged along close to the pony ready to catch the princess if she fell.

The years passed and Princess Kelsey grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Slave David was still there to serve her and she had a deep fondness for him. It didn’t matter how old he was or what he looked like because that had nothing to do with the special bond they shared. Slave David was totally in love with the princess. And, although he knew that he could never have her, he was perfectly content to just serve her, protect her, and do all he could to please her for the rest of his life. In fact, there is nothing else in the world that he really wanted to do.

Princess Kelsey’s beauty was no secret. Knights, foreign princes, and the sons of local business men all hoped to be invited to her coming out ball. It wasn’t long before the right fellow came along, Princess Kelsey fell in love, and got married. Her husband was not a knight or a prince, but the son of one of the local merchants who owned a dress shop in the village. He and the princess had exchanged glances in his father’s shop many times when her maids took her shopping for clothes in the village. She had a crush on this boy for years but they had not ever spoken until Kelsey had grown up. Kelsey was shy and this boy thought that his station in life precluded him from having any hopes with the princess. But Princess Kelsey was not a snob. She thought he was cute, nice, and the boy had also had a crush on her for years.

Although slave David was somewhat sad that his little princess had now grown up and was a married woman, he was still very pleased that she had found happiness with this boy and that he was very nice, clean, and respectful. David drove the coach on the day of their marriage.

The king was actually a little disappointed and didn’t think the boy was good enough for his daughter. He would have preferred that she had married the prince of the neighboring country. But Princess Kelsey had no interest in her father’s selection. She said that the foreign prince was good looking but was a complete prick and reminded her of her brother.

But the king accepted his new son-in-law and never made it obvious to the young man that he was not his first choice to marry his daughter. The king was very generous and gave Princess Kelsey and her new husband an entire wing of the castle, almost a third of the entire place. He also gave her a full 30 servants to care for her portion of the castle.

Slave David had proven his worth and was made the head servant in Princess Kelsey’s wing. In addition to guarding the princess and doing what ever she wanted, he also had to direct all of the other servants assigned to that portion of the castle. Princess Kelsey thought it was perfect.

Well, Princess Kelsey’s fairy tale life in the castle with her new husband did not last long. Shortly after her marriage, sadly, her father, the king, passed away. Princess Kelsey was not even out of mourning for her father’s death before her brother, who was now king, began to strongly exert his authority. He decided that his sister did not deserve to have a third of the castle and a staff of 30 servants. Kelsey was given a rather small two room suite to share with her husband. She now had only two maids, the same two that were with her from birth and who were now quite elderly, and slave David.

Life in the castle was unpleasant under her brother’s rule. It was noisy as he was always throwing wild parties. And he was always making new rules to which all had to abide. Life was very bad for slave David, who the king hated. He never forgot the incident of David beating him up when he was a young lad. So each night, as soon as Kelsey had gone to bed, slave David had an additional 3 or 4 hours of chores to do that the new king would create just to make the poor servant’s life miserable.

Princess Kelsey was not very happy with life in the castle any longer. One of her personal maids died and the other was sickly and not able to do much. Her brother did not assign her any new servants. So, Kelsey decided that she and her husband would move out of the castle and live in a house on the country side, not far from the village.

Princess Kelsey got all her things packed up to move. But her brother told her that more than half of the things that she had packed up were the property of the royal palace and she could not take them with her. She screamed, “I don’t need anything!” So Kelsey and her husband left almost empty handed. But Kelsey did bring along her loyal servant, David. She would need him to help set up the new house. Also, she knew that her brother hated David and that life would be very difficult for him if she left him there. In fact, she even feared for his life.

There was a lovely abandoned house near the stream where Kelsey used to play as a child. But it needed lots of work. Slave David worked hard to get the place in shape. There was another small building outside where David’s quarters were to be. Kelsey’s father-in-law, the well-to-do merchant from the village, helped out also and bought a cow, some chickens, and a few other animals. Kelsey’s father-in-law died soon after and her husband inherited the shop, where he would go during the day. They were not rich, but the shop provided more than enough money to provide them with a very comfortable living.

Kelsey was quite happy with her new peaceful life. Slave David worked the grounds, took care of the animals, and he was very happy to still be a part of the life of his precious princess. He did anything she asked of him.

Kelsey had three children. David guarded her children with his life the same as he did for Kelsey when she was a child. But around the time of her oldest child’s sixth birthday, sadly, Slave David passed away.

It was a sad day. Kelsey had her faithful servant buried near the stream, not far from the swing that he had built for her when she was a young child.

Many more years have now passed and Kelsey’s children are almost grown. But Kelsey still often thinks of her faithful and loyal servant, David, who devoted his life to serving her, and she has fond memories of him.

The End

Dec 7, Happy Birthday, Kelsey.

Kelsey was my beloved mistress, off and on, for about 3 years. I met her and Rachael around the same time, five years ago. I'm still in touch with Rachael but it has been almost two years since I've communicated with Kelsey. Like Rachael, she had lots of problems. But Kelsey's, I believe, are life long problems. She has very severe anxiety issues.

The journal entry that follows will be a repeat of the tribute fairy tale I wrote for Kelsey to try to express what I felt for her.

I get a friend request from someone who has never exchanged mail with me and has never viewed my profile. WTF?

I got my sister. The police were there. Her car had already been towed. She ran into the back of someone. I'd bet anything that she was playing with her phone and when she looked up it was too late to stop. I'm scared to death any time I'm riding in a car with her driving. She is always checking the phone and texting while she drives. Maybe this will shake some sense into her.

I still love my little angel. I screwed up on a gift I sent her and it will be delayed almost two weeks. I feel terrible. This defeated the entire reason for which I was sending her gift early. And, of course, it ruins everything for me because the only satisfaction I get is making her happy, which I didn't. In fact, I was not careful about a text I sent her and she found it condescending and patronizing. It was stupid. I meant to emphasize the importance of something and it just came out wrong.

Oh shit, just got a text. My sister just got in an auto accident and her car had to be towed. She is not injured, thank God. I have to go pick her up now.

The power scrubber I ordered just arrived. This will be included in my carry along cleaning supplies for my duties as a domestic slave. So dommes in New Orleans, contact me about house cleaning. I will work nude or clothed and do good work. It is not just a game. I will get your house clean. I will submit to most kink and that can be discussed. No type of sex is necessary. You can inspect my work and slap me around a bit if something does not meet your approval. I am not looking for an exclusive arrangement. I currently am a housework/bdsm slave for two dommes in the New Orleans area. I try to arrange for 4 or 5 hour blocks of time and could visit 2 to 4 times per month depending on your proximity to my home. I am a non-smoker and prefer to work for non-smokers, but this is not a deal breaker. I don't serve or take orders from men.

I had a good day of slaving with Mistress L. I finished the bathroom, cleaned sink and refrigerator and vacuumed the house. Although she gave me a few swats now and then my major pain was self-inflicted out of stupidity. I was using a very harsh cleaning chemical (easy off oven cleaner) on the shower walls. I was cleaning nude. I stupidly leaned against one wall while scrubbing another. The chemicals gave me quite a burn on the ass. I still feel it now.

I got a text from Princess Katey last night. She said she was sorry for the way she treated me. I told here there were no hard feelings and that we were probably just a fetish mismatch, which I think we were. She was more like a bossy sub than a domme, and I saw no indications that she had any bdsm tendencies. And if she is just going to go through the motions for my benefit then I don't find it erotic at all. The entire thrill for the masochist comes from knowing that the domme is getting off on it, that she is getting turned on by my submitting to the pain that she inflicts. Without that I might as well be hitting myself, which is no fun.

But I am glad that she reached out to make peace. Carrying anger in your heart is not healthy. Unfortunately, things did not end well with Domme Rachel and Kelsey. That bothers me. But I just have to try to make peace with myself about it.

I hate when I see that some very attractive woman has been viewing my profile but she lives hundreds of miles away.

Tonight was college graduation for Rachael, my little angel and off and on mistress over the last five years. She actually finished classes months ago and has already started studying law at Glasgow University. I'm very proud of her. She just had her 23rd birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Wednesday I will be going over to do housework for Mistress Judith. She went to the DomCon in New Orleans over the weekend and I look forward to hearing about it. I'll probably be working for Mistress L next Sunday. I've gotten no response from several New Orleans area Dommes I've written on this site.

The spammers are heavy the last couply if days. So fake... this last one put in her profile that she weighed 52 pounds.

Profiles without pictures really puzzle me both on dating and kink sites. On a kink site I do understand someone trying to conceal or partially conceal their face for professional or privacy reasons. But if you are going to hide your face, at least show your full body. The one good thing about kink sites is that you don't have to have a negative self-image. Whether you are tall or short, fat or skinny, medium, muscular, etc, there is someone looking for exactly YOUR type. Why start to talk to someone who may be totally turned off when they actually see you. It makes no sense. For servitude I am not really picky about a person's age, race, or body type. But when there is no picture at all I think, "wow, this person must be really ugly." It makes it difficult to even take anything they say seriously.

Some people will read journal entries without ever reading someone's profile. So I'll repeat bits of it here. I am no longer serving as an exclusive slave to one mistress. I am now a live housework and bdsm slave to women in the New Orleans area. If you write to me about servitude, understand that it is an introduction and the start of a long road that may or may not lead to servitude. We would exchange several messages, then move on to exchanging short video messages on twitter or instagram, then have a telephone conversation, and if we both still want to continue we would then have an informal meeting for lunch or coffee, during the daytime, in a public place. If we were both still comfortable and wanted to go forward, then we would proceed. But it begins with exchanging a few messages on this site.

Do not contact me about online financial servitude. I've been involved with that to a very large extent over the last six years but I'm now moving back into the real world. I am not one of those who thinks that online financial domination is not a real fetish and just a scam. It has a place for those who are too shy or otherwise uncomfortable seeing people live. It worked for me for a long time but now I'm ready to move on.

A local domme puts me on her list of favorites but does not answer my message, sigh. Oh well, I guess we are a kink mismatch.

My session yesterday was terminated early because the domme I was working for got called in to work. She is a nurse and was on call. She had me naked and chained by the ankle in the bathroom. I was scrubbing the shower which had been neglected by her cousins who had lived in the house previously. I did not like having to leave with work unfinished.

As I seem to be a housework and bdsm slave now I am starting to acquire equipment to bring along with me. This will not only include bdsm toys but also house cleaning equipment. I just ordered a power scrubber that I saw advertised. I will be able to make the kitchens and bathrooms of my mistresses shine. My service is not just a game. I really want to do a good job.

But I did get a good workout in her bathroom. There was caked on soap scum that required significant muscle and I worked continuously at a pretty rapid pace getting cardio out of the deal as well.

I did write to a third local domme about doing work but she did not reply, although I see that she read the message and viewed my profile. I believe that I can still offer three or four days a month to another New Orleans area domme. The two I work for now want me to work nude but that is not any requirement for me. I can work with or without clothes.

Sunday is Rachael's birthday. As I leave online servitude behind and start serving local women live, Rachael remains the only lasting friend I've made online. Even though I'm not serving her we chat all the time. I will continue to send her money and gifts all through her uni years. In early December it will be five years since she and I first met.

I just ended things with Goddess Amber and I feel bad about it. I liked her. But she no longer had time for me. She is in school and working full time. She said she was going to call me last night, which she didn't. And I still did not get the video she was supposed to send me a couple of days ago. However, I did tell her that I was not mad at her, that I liked her, and that I would send her the regular weekly payments for the remainder of November because I didn't want to just cut her off with no notice.

But, anyway, I will not be looking for another online domme. I will try to transition fully into live servitude. Rachael is an online pal and I'll continue to send her money and gifts as she fills a completely different need of mine and I love her.

I am relieved that it is over with Goddess Amber but sad just the same. She liked me also and I think she feels hurt. And I never want to hurt anyone. She told me not to bother sending the money and that she would send it back. I sent it anyway. We'll see. I hope her anger subsides.

I was going to have trouble keeping up next year because I just got notice that the monthly premium for my health insurance is going up quite substantially.

Why does the sound never work on the videos on this site?

It is disappointing when an attractive dominant woman is not into masochistic physical domination at least a little bit. Body worshiping and giving foot massages is fine. But a guy also needs a good kick in the balls as a reminder of his male inferiority.

I had a session with Mistress Judith yesterday. I swept the house, mopped, and did some laundry. When I got done she had some fun punishing my body. I got the usual lashes with the riding crop. But this time we had a new toy to explore, the electric dog collar. This was my first experience with electro shock therapy.

I will say that I now believe that these dog collars should be illegal. I am a slave who has made a free choice to submit to my mistress. A dog makes no such choice and this shock is MUCH stronger than I expected. The device I bought has 100 levels of intensity and I can tell you that level one hurts. One unit was around my cock and balls and the other unit she held in her hand and pressed against different body parts as she activated them by remote control. The biggest shock I took was level six. I can't even imagine what level 100 must be like. When she set the electrodes to contact me on top of the penis, at the base, I felt the shock run down the shaft of my penis to the tip and the sting was extremely intense.

Although the pain may be similar to the sharp sting of a whip, this leaves no welt or bruising. That's one advantage, pain with no lasting scar or injury. It is also good for a lazy mistress who would like to inflict pain without a great expenditure of energy. It requires only the push of a button.

This evening I am seeing Mistress L. She doesn't want me mentioning even her first name. But I am lucky. Mistress Judith made me leave the shock device at her house. She said that this will be her toy. I say I am lucky because Mistress L is much more extreme. Mistress Judith hit me with level 6. But I fear that Mistress L would go right to level 100.

What I fear even more than the potential pain is that I fear Mistress L will push me beyond my limits and cause me to disobey her. Once that happens, as far as I'm concerned, the magic is over. I am a slave who wants to be respectful and obedient to my mistress. Once I disobey or fail to submit then I feel that I am disgraced and can't serve her any longer. It may not be this way with all slaves, but for me it is. My fantasy is complete surrender, leaving myself at her mercy. It is to surrender all control to her. But pushed beyond my limits then I have to take control. Once I am in control the fantasy is not only over but the pain is no longer erotic. It just hurts.

This evening I'm going to Mistress L's house. She has mentioned a cinder block. I think she plans to hang this from my balls. I am scared. I think they weigh about 40 pounds. I just experimented with a 30 pound dumbbell and could not release all of the weight. We'll see. I know I can take a very hard kick to the balls but this is something totally new.

I just got one of these spam messages looking for slaves and asking me to contact her elsewhere. The profile is several paragraphs written in perfect English yet the message was written by someone with very poor English. I would expose this spammer but it seems to be against the rules here to speak poorly of other users, so I won't.

If you are real and you contact me, make it obvious to me that you have looked at my profile or journal and do not ask me to contact you some place off of this site unless we have established a dialogue.

I am no longer seeking online servitude, only live. I am glad to have conversation with anyone but if you are seeking servitude then don't contact me unless you live in close proximity to New Orleans. For live servitude I will do housework, yard work, run errands, and submit to various forms of bdsm type torture and kink play. I will perform various sex acts but will not have actual intercourse with anyone unless I have fallen in love with you. I may be old fashion, but to me, fucking is for lovers. But other kink I will engage in as long as I am not repulsed by you. I won't do crossdressing or submit to other forms of feminization. While my ideal choice would be educated and fit females (race & nationality unimportant) aged 35 to 45, I am actually okay with all ages, races, and body types. No men or transgender. I prefer non-smokers. No druggies or alcoholics.

November 4th. The CFNM party is December 4th. I have a month. I'd like to take off 8 or 10 pounds.

I did not initially know what CFNM was when this domme asked me to go with her. It stands for clothed females naked males. The men bring all the food, drinks, etc, and go totally nude while they serve the women. The domme I'm going with told me it is okay for me to wear a mask if I want to, and I will. I got a slave mask a short time ago. If this were in a different town I would not be worried but I don't want to run into anyone I know at one of these things. If I get comfortable while I'm there I might take off the mask. But then some of the women might get grossed out by how old I am. Perhaps I'll just keep the mask on in any case.

The remote control electric dog collar has arrived. I charged it up last night and put it together this morning. The instructions were not good but thankfully there were some instructional videos on YouTube.

I saw one woman comment that she felt a good sting on her fingers at level one and could not tolerate more than a level 4 shock. It has 100 levels of intensity. I shocked my finger at the 30 level and it was a big jolt. Now I'm a bit scared. This will be put around my cock and balls. And there is a second one that can be put somewhere else.

So this is my transition from online money slave back to bdsm slave. Mistress Judith is not extreme. It is mostly about the housework with a few minutes of bdsm when I'm finished. But with Mistress L it is all about the bdsm and she will push my limits.

I haven't heard from Domme Rachel in the last two days but I'm still a little bit down about it. I really want to put her behind me and then she pops up like that. I do still care about her but the only reason that I'm going out of my way to be polite is because she is a friend of Rachael's. What I think she is mad about now is that I told Rachael about the dick pic she sent me. She didn't say that specifically but said that I was running my mouth, saying shit just to get attention, and that she had no respect for people like that. Well, I wonder what she would have done if I sent her such a picture. My mistake was not realizing that this is the type of thing she does to be funny and thinking that it indicated that someone else must have her phone. I took a screen shot but had not yet blown it up enough to see that Rachel's purple robe, which I've seen her wear many times in pics and videos, was visible on the side of him. So she was right there and may have taken the picture herself.

I still had some soreness yesterday from Monday night's session with Mistress L. But it seems to be mostly gone today. It did not interfere with my workout yesterday. I'm slightly nervous about the next session because she mentioned use of a cinder block. I have seen some pictures on Tumblr and I have an idea of what she has in mind. I am only worried about injury. I am not worried about pain.

I thought the electric dog collars would be here yesterday but the tracking info now says the won't arrive until Monday of next week.

Rachael's birthday is this month and Christmas is next month. Kelsey's birthday is also in December. I think I should just go ahead and write off Kelsey and not send anything for her birthday or Christmas. I likely will send Christmas gifts to Amy, Marta, and Annabel in addition to Rachael, of course. I think I can probably cross Domme Rachel off of that list now. She has made it clear that she has only disdain for me. I previously thought she was simply disinterested with no particular feelings one way or the other.

I got more from Domme Rachel this evening. I still find it hard to believe that someone else is not in control of her phone. I see absolutely know resemblance to the Rachel I corresponded with before, not in tone, style, vocabulary, etc. She has made no reference to anything we previously talked about. It is either not her or she has gone nuts. But whether it is Rachel or someone else, this person clearly feels a great deal of animosity towards me.

I couldn't serve her any more because I have very strong emotions for her and her total lack of regard for me was too hurtful. If I served her again I would be hurt again. Perhaps she is just angry at me about that. I can certainly think of nothing else I could have done to upset her. I don't know why, after over a month with no contact, she would start sending me this hateful stuff.

When I was only serving women online I sort of kept my other fetishes hidden. I felt embarrassed and ashamed when Rachael found a Twitter account of mine that was filled with pornographic images. I always tried, and believe I did, behave like a perfect gentleman towards her and Domme Rachel. I tried to keep those parts of myself hidden. Judging by Domme Rachel's message to me this morning, she is probably also aware of some of my more kinky tendencies. Even though I am not involved with her, it still disappoints me a little that she sees me as something sick. I can't let this bother me. I know the world will never be warm and friendly towards kinksters. But at least I am now forming a live social circle of like minded people who will not see me that way and where I will feel welcome.

Last night was exciting. A new domme that I've chatted with and met live once for coffee had me over to her house for our first session. I was to do nude housework and submit to what ever she wanted within my pre-discussed range of limits. And she went right to the edge of those limits.

She told me that this was a trial visit to see if I was worthy of serving her and had only two tasks for me. I was to clean a pair of her boots and a small table. I made sure I cleaned the table bottom and top, the legs all the way down, etc. I thought I did very well on the boots also. I cleaned and shined them the best that I could, even the souls. What I failed to do was explore the inside of the boots to see what I could do to clean there. She found some little speck. I think the punishment far exceeded the magnitude of the crime, but it was erotically intense.

Mistress L took me by the back of the neck and pushed my face down toward a sofa where she had three instruments of punishment: a leather flogger, an acrylic cain, and a thick wooden paddle. She told me to choose one of them. I don't have a great deal of experience with any of them and didn't know which to pick. Away from the session I am quite bold. But when we get into the session I get chicken. So I tried to think which would be the least painful. I picked the flogger. So she picked up the flogger and said, "Okay, we won't be using that one." So it was a trick. She used the paddle along with her hand. She also effectively flicked this wet towel which left a small welt. She tightly gripped the end of my penis as she pulled and paddled my bottom. She did not use any restraints.

I don't know if it is the same for all masochists. For me it is not the actual pain that is the turn on. It is two other things: I get off on the pleasure and excitement that the domme is getting out of using me this way. And I get very aroused by replaying the session in my mind numerous times later.

So I now am seeing two different dommes in my area that are keeping me humble. I look forward to my future sessions with both of them.

On another note: I got a message from Domme Rachel this morning saying, "You really are a fucking weirdo." Well, duh, like I really thought I was normal, lol. I could almost think she was coming here and reading my journal but I know she would not expend that amount of energy on me. In fact, I am rather surprised that she even took the time to write to me. She may not realize it, but sending money to girls who live across the ocean with whom I will never have any kind of live experience is actually a lot more weird than taking part in live bdsm. Maybe I'm exceptionally weird because I do both.

I have ordered an electric dog collar with 100 different shock levels that my housework mistresses can use on me via remote control. The package comes with two collars that can be adjusted from 7 inches to 20 inches. 7 inches can make it around the cock and balls. 20 inches can fit around the mid point of my thigh. It is due to arrive tomorrow. The scary part is that I am not allowed to test it out on myself before the first session so I will have no idea what I'm in for. This is a very nervous kind of excitement. I have never played any kind of electric shock bdsm games.

I recently advertised myself as being available to do housework for dommes in the New Orleans area. I got a few takers. So any others that contact me please understand that I probably can't offer you more than a day or two per month.

I am so excited about my first session with Mistress L on Monday... Halloween. I expect it to be quite brutal and for her to work me hard. I will be mostly doing housework in the nude. I will be treated very harshly for anything done less than perfectly. She has a big dog kennel where she can lock me if she decides to keep me overnight. This will be fun.

So, after the morning suprise of the dick pic from Domme Rachel, I got ready to go do nude housework for Mistress Judith. Mistress Judith has been having me do both work outside and inside of her house and has been exploring my limits of pain via whipping, ballbusting, and CBT.

The day went well. The biggest challenge for me will be laundry duty. It has never been a challenge but Mistress Judith has extremely precise, and rather complicated ways that she wants shirts, pants, towels, etc, folded and stacked. Of extreme importance is whether it is folded into fourths or thirds, which way the seam is pointed, etc. I fear this will take me considerable time to learn. But sweeping, mopping, doing dishes, that is all pretty straightforward and easy. Although she does have a precise way that she wants the dishwasher loaded.

Like last time, I got my discipline when I got done cleaning. This was rather exciting. She handcuffed me, used a riding crop both on my ass and penis, put clips on my penis, and ballbusted me with a shoe. We may explore types of electric shock and other toys as time goes on.

On Monday I will serve Mistress Lynn for the first time. This will be a late session. I am to report at 5pm. I look forward to this with nervous anticipation. I can tell by her messages that she is not a novice in the domination department.

Something strange happened yesterday. I got a push notification that I had a Snapchat message from Domme Rachel. We have not communicated in over a month. The messages was a pic of a penis. I could not believe that she would have sent this. I messaged her on whatsapp in case someone had her Snapchat account but maybe not her actual phone. I told her that I'd just gotten a dick pic sent to me by her Snapchat account. She replied asking if I liked it.

I didn't know what to make of this. Either she sent it or another person had her phone. I then thought that perhaps her new lover, as a method of staking his claim on her, sent pics of his dick to all guys he saw a record of her chatting with. But I talked about this with Rachael who told me that it would not be unlike Rachel to do this kind of thing for laughs.

Now I'm left wondering. In a way I'm sad for Domme Rachel. I worry that she may be lonely and sad and seeking continuous one night stands to fill something that is missing in her life. Then I also wonder if she may actually wonder if I'm bisexual and thought this might be a way of exploring some new kink with me to get back on my good side and eventually have me serve her again. Nahh, I don't think she would go out of her way that much for me. She never even sent me pictures wearing the stuff I bought for her which would have been a big turn-on. Rachael is probably right. I am a joke that she decided to share with some co-workers and this dick pic, and my reaction, was part of it.

I think I better not seek a third housework situation for now as both the women I'll now be serving intend to inflict pain upon my body. I have to see how long it will take me to recover between such sessions. I don't want to be sore and worthless when I report for duty. I also don't want to be sore to the point that it interferes with my workouts. So I'll see how things go for a while before I offer myself elsewhere.

Tomorrow I'll be working for Mistress Judith and I am very much looking forward to my first session with Mistress L. We have not yet scheduled a date. But she has asked me to be her slave escort for a CFnm party in December. I'm excited about that as well.

I feel I am now going to be used and abused as I should be, as the slave I was born to be.

I am now copying my journal entries to Fetlife as well.

Today I met my new prospective live domme for coffee. We have exchanged messages online, then exchanged a few video messages, then spoke on the phone for about an hour. Today we had a little coffee date, our first live meeting. I was to meet her at 9am at a coffee house near my home. I got there about 5 minutes early. When I walked in the place was empty except for a nurse who was fixing her coffee. I had seen her picture and knew this was not her. But this other women looked over at me, finished fixing her coffee, and then left. I say she was a nurse because she was wearing green hospital scrubs. My immediate thought was that she was a scout who was sent to check me out and report back. My new domme, who told me not to mention her name or handle at this time, arrived about 10 minutes later. But at first I thought I was being stood up. I thought maybe the scout reported back to her that I was not worth showing up for. But Mistress L, which is what I'll call her for now, told me that this woman was not sent there by her. But Mistress L did show up in the exact same green scrubs as the other woman was wearing. I guess it is pretty standard for hospital nurses.

We talked for about an hour and got along well. We did not set the exact date, she will have to check her schedule, but she is going to have me slave for her. She even has an extra large dog kennel where she may sometimes lock me. And I can tell by the messages she has sent to me that she is really into domination because most of her questions and comments pertained specifically to the activities I would be doing and the things that she might be doing to me.

I am pretty excited about this and I know that she is not just looking for a boyfriend because she told me that she is only sexually attracted to guys in their 20s who are over six foot. That's not me. But I am good slave material.

I feel so good about serving women live again. I stayed exclusively online for too long.

It appears things have just ended with Princess Katey. I did not plan to tell her anything of my dissatisfaction until we had a couple of more sessions. But she asked me directly. Then, after I told her that she did not seem to be physically dominant as I was lead to believe in our pre-servitude talks she said I was topping from the bottom. We went back and forth a little but I think we agreed I should not go over there any more.

I DO NOT want to top from the bottom. I do not want any mistress to do things because I want them. I want her to want the same things that I want, do them because she is into those fetishes. And if she is not into the same fetishes then we are not a good match. That's what we try to find out upfront. She implied that she was into the things I was into. And I was willing to go along with the vast majority of things that I was not into. But the sessions were simply house cleaning and giving her massage. There was no whips, chains, cbt, or any of what I normally associate with bdsm... things I had discussed with her prior to our first session.

Anyway, that frees up some time. And a woman just contacted me on Fetlife. She had actually advertised for a slave to do nude house cleaning. I didn't see her ad but she contacted me and said it looked like I might be a good fit. We have written a few times and exchanged some private instagram videos. We will talk on the phone over the weekend and get together for lunch or coffee next week. I will try to make it more clear this time that I will do what ever housework, yard work, or errand running she wants. But I expect her to be physically dominant. If she is not into that then we are not a good match.

I've been reluctant to write to Princess Katey about how I think she misrepresented herself to me and what I should expect out of serving her. I eventually will. But she is actually a better domme online than she is live. When we chat she is dominant, addresses me as slave, tells me of all the things she is going to make me do when I get there, tells me that she will do all sorts of bad things to me, etc. But when I get there she simply could not be more lame.

I don't talk about this with her when we are live because I consider a live setting to be totally "game on". This means that I am a slave, I am respectful, and I only obey. I do not make demands or complain. To do so totally breaks the magic and ruins things for me. This is why I like to discuss things by phone or message before hand. When we get together live I think we should both know our roles and what to expect.

And to the pretty lady from New Jersey, if you lived in Louisiana I'd be writing you for sure.

I had my second visit to Princess Katey's house today to do housework. The place was not in too bad shape because I cleaned it just a week ago. This time she also had me give her a full body massage. However, I am disappointed because in our discussions before our first live meeting she clearly implied that she was into bdsm and so far I have seen no sign of it. If things don't work out with her I will never again get involved with someone listing herself as a "switch". It just seems that they are not really into domination. I want to serve women who enjoy dishing out hard physical punishment... both as an actual punishment and just for fun. I am wiling to do no-strings housework two or three times. But if nothing else develops after that I will have to move on.

Things have gone very well with Mistress Judith. I have worked at her house twice and she does seem to enjoy kink. She has used a riding crop on me, put clips on my private parts, and busted my balls. This is the type of thing I thought I would have with Princess Katey also. We'll see.

I have written to four other dommes in Louisiana to see if they are interested in my services. So far the recent messages I sent here have not be read.

I sent my weekly payments to Rachael and Goddess Amber. Things with Goddess Amber are moving away from domination and towards friendly chat. Sorry, Rachael is all I need as far as pretty young girls to chat online with. I was already considering ending it with her soon but this would make it easier. I do like her. But she has to fill the role fir which I sought her out. Tomorrow I visit Princess Katey again. She told me that this time she just wants to use me for her pleasure. I'm nervous about what that I might mean. I am not looking for romance of any kind with her. She has a roommate who is supposedly not a romantic interest who is a man my age ( 30 years older than her).

I really want to end things with the online domme in London, Goddess Amber. But the problem is that she has not done anything that would cause me to leave her. I simply want to go in another direction... live bdsm. I might tell her at the end of this month. And, as I am a pretty generous and fair person, I would continue to pay her the weekly tribute amount through the month of November.

When things were going well with both Rachael and Domme Rachel, I think that was the height of things for me as far as online servitude goes. Domme Rachel's videos were very good and I very much enjoyed the little pics and snapchat videos when they were out together. But when things sort of deteriorated with Domme Rachel the fun of online servitude sort of ended for me. I'm trying with this girl in London, and I get a little thrill now and then, but it just isn't the same. Out of the dozens of women I served online, Rachael is the only one I feel became an actual friend to me and I will maintain contact and continue to gift her. But as far as online domination, the thrill has died. I now have fantasies about my live bdsm sessions with the two women I'm seeing. I do not plan to be exclusive with them, or anyone, unless I find some very special person who I think I'd be happy serving for the rest of my life. When my mother dies (she is 82) I will be in this big house alone. I hope by that time I have met someone who would like to move in and become the mistress of this house and rule me.

Today I went to work at Mistress Judith's house. Most if the day was organizing, labeling, and stacking boxes. But before I left she gave ordered me to take off my pants. She whacked me a few times with her whip, put some clips on my private parts, and hit me in the balls hard with a shoe. It was a good shot and I went to the floor. It was very exciting and the first such experience I've had in many years and I look forward to my next visit. On Tuesday I will again visit Princess Katey. My last visit there was kind if lame... nothing but house cleaning. She told me that this time we will have tume for other actuvities. We will see.

Rachael's birthday is only a month away. We met just after her 18th. In December it will be five years.

My penis sheath arrived. I ordered it from this site. Princess Katey wanted me to order this so that she could get stimulation while I would feel nothing. I'm going to do housework at her place on Tuesday plus whatever else she had in mind. I have to get back to Mistress Judith's place soon also. I need to do more work and get disciplined for discrepancies she found in my work from last time.

There is a very good looking woman who has checked out my profile a few times. But she lives halfway across the country. That sucks.

I've written a few more local dommes about housework. I have two already and I won't serve any more who live a long distance off. It will be difficult for me to get with either of these two more than a day or two each month. I'm hoping to find someone who is actually walking distance or not more than a 15 minute bicycle ride away. I live in the City Park/ Bayou St John area of New Orleans. Write me if this interests you. This is not an offer of financial servitude and would not be an exclusive arrangement.

More impersonal messages with no indication of having viewed my profile or journal. If anyone actually does read about me and decides to write please say something to indicate that your message is something other than spam or I will not respond.

Mistress Katey believes that male slaves should not feel sexual gratification but she wants to be stimulated. Thus she had me order a strap on with penile insert. Basically a big plastic dildo that goes over the penis so that the man feels nothing and does not actually touch her. Okay, that'll work and I'll be a celibate, service oriented slave. We have yet to work out my house cleaning schedule. I will be doing work for Mistress Judith as well and she will administer some physical pain. Online, I still have Godess Amber in London but I am determined that she'll be my last online domme. When I'm done with her I'm done. But I will maintain contact with Rachael and continue to gift her, at least through her university years.

Things are going south with my London online domme. I told her early in September that I would be free in October so we had September to get to know each other and get straight on the details of our domme/slave contract. She seems reluctant to be specific. I'm tired of those arrangements of seeing how things develop. Because things with online dommes never get better over time. The best part is usually the first few weeks and then things go downhill from there. The domme wants to do very little dominating, does very little to keep things fresh and interesting, and would like to just relax and collect money. I want it clearly spelled out how often she is willing to talk on the phone, how often she wants to skype, how she is willing to appear in video messages, and exactly what her expectations of me will be. I want us to both clearly state both our wants and our limits. She is being very vague and thinks that I'm being rude when I submit a list of proposed rules for her to comment on, edit, etc. If things do fall through with her then she is likely to be my last online domme for a long time, perhaps permanently.

My plans are to serve various dommes as a domestic slave for an extended period and not commit exclusively to anyone. If something special should develop with someone at some point and we wish to make it an exclusive thing, then that is what will happen. But it is not something I'm seeking and is unlikely. Such a relationship would have to be with someone with whom there was mutual physical attraction and who had very similar non-fetish interests to mine: health & fitness, running, cycling, weight lifting, etc.

I met with Princess K and Mistress Judith on Wedneday and enjoyed both encounters. They both know that I'm not seeking a permanent arrangement but they own me as a slave when I'm over serving them. I first met Princess K for coffee and we discussed things. I think it went well and I'll be going to do work at her house soon. And she has assured me that she will inflict bodily pain upon me and enjoy doung it. In the afternoon I went to Mistress Judith's house and did yard work. I spent about 3 hours or so pulling up vines, cutting grass, and other outdoor clean-up. Then she told me to go take a shower. To my surprise, when I was getting out of the shower she came into the bathroom with a riding crop and gave me a few whacks. It was very exciting. I will have to discuss with her what other types of physical punishment she can inflict upon me. I'm sure I'll deserve it, even if it is just for being five minutes late or something. Right now my car is out of service so I can't get around as much as I'd like. I will have to get that taken care of as soon as possible so I can do more slaving. I may break things off with the girl in London that I'm serving online. If I do it could well be the last of my online servitude. I will maintain contact with Rachael and continue to send her money and gifts. But my feelings for her are something special that go beyond my fetish.

Today is the day I meet the two local dommes I'll be slaving for. The first I meet for coffee at 10. Then I go to do a few hours of gardening/ yard work for the other. Of the seven offers I sent out, four of the messages were read, three are still unread. I got three responses. One of them simply refused to communicate in any open way so things fell through. But things went okay with the other two.

Domme Rachel actually communicated with me today. I'm kind of surprised. Well, Wednesday I'm schedules to get together with two dommes live. I've been a completly online slave for the last 4 years. The younger woman I'm meeting for coffee in the morning. If she doesn't have me coming to her house afterwards I'm going to the house of the older woman. Well, older than me but closer to my age than the other one. I'm going to do yard work. We have not discussed physical discipline. I suppose at some point we will. The younger woman already told me she plans to do mean things to me. This is exciting. I have not had anything close to live bdsm i about 5 years. I'm ready. My online domme is fading. Yes, she is the best looking but she will have to work really hard to compete with live action. And Rachael is now just an internet pen pal to whom I'll send occasional gifts and money. Tears still do come to my eyes when I hear from Domme Rachel. I guess I did love her. But you see, I can only be hurt by someone I love. And I don't want to be hurt again. Others can disappoint me or piss me off, but they can't really hurt me. My feelings can only be hurt by someone I love.

I figured something out. If someone's profile pic looks really great, like a model, its not them! It's some kind of scam. I am so disappointed about that message I got earlier today because I was actually fooled for a minute.

I've now gotten responses from 3 of the 7 to whom I've written about performing domestic duties. It appears I will be doing some work for at least two of them. But the response today, although the woman pictured appeared very lovely, raised lots of red flags. I will not mention user names here in my journal but will simply relate what happened.

I wrote with an offer to do housework a few days a month and said I might be open to, but did not demand, anything else. I also mentioned that, at least initially, this would not be an exclusive thing. The response I got today demanded that I immediately open an account on another fetish site and purchase a one month silver membership. She told me what user name I should open the account under and that I was to post that I was owned by her.

Each time I wrote I got a response but it was as if my words were not read. It was almost like I was talking to a robot that was going through a canned . She asked my kik username and immediately messaged me there. I responded with a 15 second introductory video message and asked her to do the same. I simply wanted to verify that I am talking to the person pictured in the profile. Now, some women who are actually legit may not want to do this right away because they don't have their make-up fixed or something. That is okay. They can respond later. But she just ignored and continued her routine . She asked what area of town I lived in. I told her. Then she gave me an address and told me to be there at 7pm on Tuesday.

FULL STOP! A woman chats with a strange man online for 3 minutes and then gives him her address and tells him to come over ?? Something is not right. What ever it is I am certainly not going to walk into it.

As a sub, I don't not like the idea of laying out any rules. But I am going to say what I think is reasonable before any in home meeting:

1. We exchange a couple of messages here to see if it is worth going forward.

2. We chat on another platform, one that allows both text and video messages. I am open to kik, twitter, instagram, whatsapp, and skype. I personally think Twitter is best, even though it was not designed to be a texting platform. You can exchange private text message of any length and get push notifications, you can attach pics or files, and you can record private video messages up to about 30 seconds in length.

3. We exchange short introductory video messages for verification. They need not be more than 15 to 30 seconds in length.

4. If all has gone well to this point we then have a voice phone conversation, 20 to 30 minutes long, and learn about each other.

5. If all has gone well, our first live meeting is in a public place, lots of people around, during the day... lunch or something.

6. Okay, all has gone well and we're both still interested, now we go forward.

I think this is prudent and reasonable. Women need to be concerned with safety and men mostly need to be concerned with scams, although there are safety concerns for men also. It is even possible that some branch of law enforcement is trying to trap you into saying or doing something illegal... and they will do all they can to lead you there. But in any case, a stranger, after a few minutes in text chat, giving you an address and telling you to come over? Insane.

I have gotten responses from two dommes now who would be happy to have me perform domestic duties. So I will send out no more offers but I will respond favorably to any of those I've written should they reply. This is not an exclusive thing.

I got my first reply !! A 24 year old who lives no more than a couple of miles from me and says she would like to have a domestic servant. I'm excited. I have not done this for over 4 years.

I have just updated my profile to reflect changes in my situation.

To any local dommes who got an offer from me to do housework, please realize that this does not involve financial domination. I do that online because there is no way for me to serve a woman who lives thousands of miles away other than with money, help with academics (research, etc), and internet promotion. Locally I'm looking to perform domestic duties on a very part time basis.

I have written to seven local dommes, two of whom read my journal on a regular basis. I'll wait a few days to see if I get responses before writing to more.

No word from Domme Rachel in several days. I guess she's given up. I think she'd liked to have had me serve her again but she did nothing to demonstrate to me how things might been different. I've started with Goddess Amber, who will be my online domme. Now I'll try to find a couple of local dommes who may want there house it apartment cleaned once or twice a week.

I completed the first little task my new online domme gave me. I found about 30 slaves for her to contact... guys who had been chatting with various findommes. Now she is complaining to me that they are all time wasters who want everything for free. Well, duh, welcome to financial domination. You have to go through a great many time wasters to find one real money slave. There are more dommes than there are real slaves.

Rachael had her first day at a very old and and highly regarded university today where she will be studying law. I am so proud of her. I am happy with my new online domme. She goes by the name Goddess Amber on twitter. She gave me some assignments. I am setting up a tumblr for her. She has me trying to find her new slaves also. I am mainly seeing who other dommea are tweeting with and sending the names back to her so she can try to enslave then. She sends me video messages almost daily. I'm very optimistic about this one.

I hate to say this, but almost anytime I see that a woman is from Russia or the Philippines it is nearly always some sort of scam. Or they claim to have grown up in California but send a message that was clearly not written by someone who speaks fluent English.

I'm thinking Rachael has found some romance. I hope so. She deserves it.

Of course, my real dream would be to serve as Rachael's domestic slave.

I could also serve as a waiter or other servant to assist at parties, dinners, or other entertaining. I would work in any attire from a tuxedo to nude provided I am permitted to wear a mask to conceal my identity if others are present. If any domme local to me would be interested in using me for this purpose, feel free to write. And I said "domme" not "dom". I have no interest in men or in couples that include a dominant male.

Oh, when I said any attire I guess I did not mean that. I will not dress in women's attire. I am masculine, not a sissy. Some dommes seem to think that all male subs are sissies. They only happen to be the most vocal and obvious making themselves appear to be the majority when, in fact, they are a minority. I will not take a strap on up the ass or be used as a female type sex toy. Anything that involves any type of sexual contact must be discussed in advance. It is not what I'm looking for but I may or may not be open to it depending on what you have in mind. But I want no surprises in a live setting. Everything must be discussed in advance. If you decide there is something you might like after we actually meet, but we did not discuss it in advance, do not bring it up until I am gone. Then we can discuss it by phone or online. I don't want to be put on the spot. Not very romantic, I know, but I am not looking for romance.

I "will" take physical abuse, whipping, ball busting, slapping, etc, provided it leaves no visible marks that I might have to explain and does not cause any permanent injury. But please don't contact me just to beat me up. I accept punishment and training but also like to think that I'm performing some useful function. Discuss anything specific before hand. Don't introduce something new in a live setting that was not previously discussed, such as drinking your piss or some other thing that I might find too disgusting. I am not a human toilet or ash tray.

Age is not very important as long as you are over 18 and not more than ten years my senior. Race is unimportant.

I prefer non-smokers but that is not a deal breaker. No druggies.

And lastly, if you are a local person and recognize me from my photos, please respect that I am a closet case and don't embarrass me.

When I have more time I think I will see if a couple of local dommes would be interested in my cleaning their house once a week. Right now I perform that function for my mother and sister. But that is no fun and won't go on forever. I don't think I could do financial servitude to anyone close to home. In fact, I think I'll continue the pattern of the last several years and only serve findommes who live across the ocean. I had two bad experiences with serving some that were too close to home. One of them lived far north and I thought it was safe. She showed up in New Orleans with friends telling me I was to take them around, pay their way, etc. And she threatened to come by my house. Of course, that's what I got for serving a middle aged woman who did not consider herself to be way out of my league. Serving young women who consider me to be an old fart who is only good for money is a much safer bet. But I think simple house cleaning might be a safe thing to do. There are three local dommes I might contact in the future about this.

Oops, on second look there was a tumblr visitor on the 13th from Cromer, England on the 13th. This is about a 3 hour car drive to London. She said she lived near London and I don't consider that distance close. But I'll see what she says. I am glad to see I had a visitor that could possibly have made her story plausible.

Well, things with my new prospective domme could come to a quick end if I find that she is misrepresenting herself to me. In the video she sent me she speaks with a British accent and told me that she lives near London. In conversation she mentioned that she did live in Kissimmee, Florida when she was younger and might like to move back there some day.

Well... my tumblr page gives me a map that shows where all the recent visitors came from (city, country, and sometimes referring website). On the 13th I gave her a link to one of my Tumblr pages. In looking at the visitor map I see no visitors from the UK on that date. But there is a visitor from Kissimmee, FL.

I DM'd her on Twitter a short while ago and asked if she was in Florida right now. She said, "no, why? I do plan to visit soon." I told her that my tumblr visitor map showed a visitor from Kissimmee on the 13th but none from the UK. I wanted to be honest about my reason for suspicion. This is her opportunity to come clean. But she has not replied.

This is one reason I had served non-professionals over the last few years. All the girls I served in the UK knew my real name and where I lived. I knew the same about them. There was no deception.

I am very paranoid about being deceived by those who are close, or attempt to get close to me because I was the victim of a horrible deception when I was quite young. It is not something I ever talk about but it affected me permanently in many ways.

This site has no tech person. I know it is a free site and they operate only on ad revenue. But some basic functions just don't work well. Trying to record video journal entries or a video profile is next to impossible. The sound seldom works right. You can't adjust to use the front facing camera, etc.

Well, Rachael wrote to me and said it is all okay. She even says she still sees me as a gentleman. But I don't feel like one. I guess women really know, however, that all men are dogs, and I am a man. Maybe a gentleman just does a better job hiding it.

I've been talking to a replacement domme who has me into new stuff. This girl is into black men and considers white guys to be small dick losers. Well, that is okay with me and I will go along with it. But truth is that as long as women are attracted to something other than a group I belong to I will find it hot. I like lesbians because they don't like men. Women who prefer black guys I find attractive. And I find very young women attractive because I know they see me as an old guy who is in no way a legitimate prospect. I get a strange charge out of being attracted to and wanting something that I know I could never have. If a woman thought that all bald guys were losers who deserved to be kicked in the balls and have their money taken then I'd probably find that hot because I'm bald.

This humiliation and degradation, along with bdsm, is something I never did with Rachael or any of the other UK girls. Rachael fulfills a different type of fetish, sort of the sugar daddy type fetish rather than bdsm slave. It makes me feel good to spoil her and make her happy.

But I have other needs also. I've given up bdsm and other type of sex games for too long. I never brought any of it up with the young girls because I would never do anything that was not initiated by them for fear that I would appear very vile and offensive. I never even asked them to model lingerie that I bought them because I know that girls who grow up in cold weather climates are used to being covered up and would be uncomfortable with it. Where as for chicks from Florida or California, or even Italy, it is no big deal. The new girl I'm talking to already promised that she would model anything that a slave bought for her.

Domme Rachel has been back in touch with me and we have talked a bit. She knows that Rachael will not be my domme after this month (although she will not be out of my life). I really don't want a domme I'm going to fall in love with. That wasn't the idea. I want someone who will give me erotic excitement. When this other girl messages me my dick gets hard. When Domme Rachel messages me my eyes fill with tears. It is really stupid that I have such a strong urge to return to someone who gives me emotional pain rather than someone who is giving me erotic excitement. Hopefully Domme Rachel will discontinue pressing the issue.

I made a very big mistake today. This is one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life and I have lost something that was extremely important to me. I'm talking about the respect of someone who is extremely dear, my little angel, Rachael.

I have known Rachael for almost five years. We came into contact just after her 18th birthday. During that entire time there was never anything even remotely sexual, pornographic, or inappropriate in our relationship. I always presented myself as a complete gentleman. What we had was sweet and innocent. It was not even like financial domination. It was more like me sending an allowance to my daughter who was away at school. And I love her like a daughter. I not only had her friendship but also her respect. And in a single moment I think I have thrown that all away.

On Twitter I have five accounts, each of which I use for different purposes. I have the most active one that I used to correspond with Rachael. I have another that is only health and fitness. I have one that uses my real name and relates to personal stuff. I have one that is totally blank that I use to search and look for stuff. And then there is one that is totally full of porn, smut, and my most extreme and ugly fetishes. This last one I have kept a complete secret from all I know or even those I only know via the internet. I don't follow any of the same people and I don't use my well known aliases.

Well, apparently, some time over yesterday or today I accidentally viewed Rachael's tweets from this vile account that is full of smut. And in doing so I liked one of her tweets, one of them that was exchanged with a university contact. She immediately checked it out, knew it was me, blocked that account, and messaged me asking why I would do such an insane thing. This caught me totally by surprise. I apologized and immediately went and deleted everything from that account and changed the name. I also went to the account where we follow each other and changed my header as well as deleting any post or pic that was in any way fetish related.

She is pissed. I hope that she took action before any embarrassing consequences resulted. She probably did. But as far as the way I now look in her eyes, it doesn't matter. Her anger may pass and she may forgive me. But it doesn't matter. I have lost something that I will never be able to regain. Even if I have her friendship I will never again have her respect, something I worked very hard for. She has seen a very ugly side of me that I never wanted her to see. This account had some of my remote and most dark fetishes. Stuff like interracial cuckolding. This can never be undone. Where she once respected me she now sees me as ugly, vile, and disgusting. I don't know what to do. I can never redeem myself. It is a dark day.

Well, I'm no longer consumed with the saga with Domme Rachel. The importance of her in my life is minuscule next to Rachael. Yet I can see some parallels. I saw that Rachel lacked honesty and integrity by a couple of things she had done. She had cheated Rachael out of money when I first began serving her and she lied to me to get reimbursement for delivery costs on a package she said she accepted, but didn't. I forgave her these things in my heart but she had lost my respect in some ways that she can probably never get back. And I know it will be the same with how Rachael feels about me. She may forgive my action but she will still now see me as a sleaze where she previously saw me as a gentleman.

There was this chick, Vany, who I served for a while about 5 years ago, just before Rachael. It sounds kind of stupid, but tge main reason I stopped serving her was over her smoking. And it really wasn't the fact that she smoked, because I know it is really tough to quit. But she is a professional model and she would continuosly do shoots where she depicted smoking as being cool. That was a major turn-off because I am a complete health nut. I'm only talking about it because I just went to her Twitter profile to see what she'd been up to recently and she is still at it. Too bad. It has been shown that if a female smoker quits before she is 30, and has no resultung health complications, then after just ten years she'll have the same life expectancy as a woman who never smoked.

A friend request from someone who does not have an active profile and with whom I have never exchanged mail? Come on, what does "friend" mean?

Spam has increaed on this site lately.

I miss something that never really existed.

I also can't figure out any way to discuss my problems with Domme Rachel without sounding insulting or disrespectful. She will have to break the ice if she wants to begin any meaningful dialogue. It will be hard for me to take her seriously because she would actually have to change what I believe about her. I believe that she is cold and calculating. I believe she knows that I'm attracted to her and have very strong emotions for her and that she will manipulate that to her maximum advantage. I believe she gets no pleasure, no excitement, and no comfort out of our interactions and will put on any act she needs to in order to extract money.

I am actually attracted to women who exploit and use men. But what attracts me is their getting pleasure out of it. I do not find it attractive knowing that she is just going through the motions to get the payoff. It is like having sex with a prostitute. Nothing is real about it. And, right now, Domme Rachel seems completely artificial.

Rachel is chatting with me again today but is only making small talk. She hasn't brought up any of the issues we had or offered any explanation.

Well, I heard from Domme Rachel. I didn't expect to ever hear from her again. She DM'd me on Twitter. We exchanged a few, didn't get too deep. She asked how I was and what I was doing. I know this is leading to her wanting me to serve her again because I can't imagine that she just felt like chatting me up. She probably doesn't understand how badly I was hurt because she didn't do anything deliberately mean. What she did was tell me that she cared for me and that I was very special and then made it obvious that I wasn't... again and again.

I am continuously confused by my feelings for Rachael. I know I love her but she is totally not my type. I'm attracted to mean women and she breaks that mold. She is sweet. But I'm glad that she is part of my life and I want her to always be. Mean girls end up breaking my heart. I've served a few women who had a good combination of strong dominant and friendliness. Something always seems to go wrong. Usually it is them ignoring me to the point that I begin to think it is only about the money. I basically think that Domme Rachel felt exactly the same as Kelsey did. The difference is that Domme Rachel had more class than to tell me something as cruel as Kelsey did. I have a couple of issues with Annabelle that I won't talk about even here as it has to do with my speculation about her that it would be wrong of me to mention. Melissa was really cool, and I liked her style. But she was an unemployed, not in school, drug addict/ alcoholic. I feel is it wrong for me to contribute financially to that kind of life style. I would not be a positive influence. I'd only be supporting her continuation of a life that is going nowhere. I feel good about the direction Rachael is going and I feel good about my contribution to it.

I really do miss her a lot. I know she doesn't really miss me. She's full of shit.

For a very short time I had a very cool situation and I was happy. Rachael and Rachel, I really liked it. I tried Amy, Rachael's other good friend but we had no chemistry at all.

Well, Rachael is now back from her trip to Manchester to visit Domme Rachel and has started her new job. She told me that Domme Rachel had expressed that she missed me and felt bad about how she treated me.

It is so difficult for me because I want so badly to believe that I could serve Domme Rachel again and be happy. I wrote Rachael a long email to try to explain everything I was feeling in regards to Domme Rachel. But I think it is moot. I don't think that Rachel will ever write to me and the discussion will probably not ever happen.

I can be happy just serving Rachael and I will get over Domme Rachel in time. I am comfortable with Rachael and I don't think that she is going to hurt me. At least not in ways that I don't want to be hurt. I'm a masochist except in regards to emotional pain. A woman can take my money, beat me with a whip, or kick me in the balls. It is all a turn-on. But if she hurts my feelings I just can't take it. And Domme Rachel hurt my feelings badly more than once. When the package I sent her came back to me I was just stunned.

If a message is not personalized in any way then it is spam. Any message sent to me that could have been easily sent to multiple other users without alteration will be reported as spam. Mention names, mention items from a user's profile, mention things you may have read in their journal. Do something to indicate that the person to whom you are writing is not just a recipient of a multi-mail piece of spam. Do not sent links to other sites if you have not established any type of regular contact with a person.

This site is made up of real people looking for real interaction. It is not just a ready market to whom professional sex workers solicit.

Rachael is now in Manchester visiting with Domme Rachel. So I am again going through the emotions. I mentioned before that Domme Rachel never even viewed the birthday messages that I sent her a few weeks ago. I guess it says something about me that I actually check each time I go to Snapchat to see if the messages I sent her have been opened. Well, today she did open the message that I'd sent on July 15. But I think it is not by chance that it was the same day that Rachael went to visit her in Manchester. Rachael may have said something that made her curious. But anyway, I realize that Domme Rachel's failure to read my messages was not out of hate, spite, or any intention to be mean. It was simply complete disinterest, which is the reason our domme/slave relationship failed. I am not important enough to hate. I don't warrant such an expenditure of thought, energy or emotion.

I've recently passed my state insurance exam and have begun selling insurance. I've pretty much given up the TV/Movie extra thing. It sounds glamorous but is a pain in the ass and pays very little.

I am back to serving just one mistress again but that doesn't mean that I'm going to slow down. I hope to contribute the same as if I were serving two women. I do miss Domme Rachel very much. She was fun when she wanted to be. It was my failure to make things fun for her that was behind our parting of ways. Nothing about my messages, pics, videos, or journal interested her in the slightest. And I don't think she really had fun with the domination game. She just went through the motions. But she did that very well when she actually did.

Rachael will be going to Manchester to visit her. I don't know the dates but it starts next week, I think. I hope they have fun. Rachel not only did not acknowledge the birthday gift and messages I sent. She didn't even open the messages. I can't beat myself up over it. I really think I did all I could do.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could pick the people you love. You can't. It just happens and you often wonder why. And you wonder why you couldn't love that person that really loved you.

When Rachael travels to Manchester to visit Domme Rachel I am going to again have those feelings. I am glad that she is going because they are good friends and Domme Rachel is all alone there, separated from her friends and family. I miss her very much. But what I am going to miss more is being a small part of what she and Rachael shared together. It was working well for a very short period, I really enjoyed it, and I wanted it to last forever. I loved seeing Snapchats of the two of them out having fun together. And I felt very honored that they would take a minute out to think of sending me a little pic or video. It made me feel like I was taking part. But I can now see that it was likely Rachael who thought to include me, not Domme Rachel. And had Rachael not, Domme Rachel certainly never would have considered it. She seldom if ever updated her Snapchat story while she was out, or had any interest in viewing mine. I mistakenly thought that we were closer than we were.

Pleasing my mistress makes me happy. I love to see Rachael happy.

I can do nothing right. Now I have angered Rachael by giving her a grammar lesson during a Twitter DM exchange. I thought she would be receptive to such discussion. An error in judgement on my part. I must remember my role and stay in my place.

One of the difficult things is that I can't really openly discuss what I'm feeling with Rachael because of her close friendship with Rachel. It is awkward. Rachael and Kelsey, although they live in the same town, don't know each other. So I could more openly get things off my chest.

But basically, I wanted Domme Rachel to stimulate me erotically, not emotionally. But she did mess with my emotions to a very serious degree. And the inability to end things on good terms with her really hurts... just as it still hurts that I was never able to make peace with Kelsey.

I should not have reopened a wound that had almost healed. When I saw that she blocked me in the two places we normally chatted I should have just written her off in my head. I hate this heavy heart feeling. I have to shake it.

When I am feeling sad about how things happened with Domme Rachel, all I have to do is read some of Rachael's tweets and rewatch the vids she's sent me. Then I instantly feel much better. Sometimes I forget how easy this little remedy is. It is only because today is Domme Rachel's birthday that I'm again thinking about her. But this will quickly pass. She did not even view the happy birthday messages that I sent her, which again reminds me why I was unhappy with her in the first place. Sending the birthday gift made me feel better. It did nothing for her as I have less significance than a random leaf on a tree. So I will not again spend money on her just to make myself feel better about what happened between us.

I'm at least glad that Domme Rachel's birthday came so soon after my servitude to her ended. This way I can just go ahead and quickly hurt a little more as I rehash things in my mind and then get on with it. It doesn't do any good to pretend that it doesn't still hurt. I really wanted things to work out. My favorite little video is one that she and Rachael did together a few months ago as they were getting ready to go out. Serving the two of them was lots of fun.

It is after midnight in the UK. Happy Birthday, Domme Rachel. I still miss her. It was a funny situation. She would say things to me that I knew were total billshit but they had the same affect on me as if they were true. And then when her actions revealed the hollowness of her words my feelings would be hurt. I think when she did not accept delivery on a gift I sent her and then lied to me about it, that is the single thing that hurt me most. I have forgiven her that but it did not take away the pain for there is no way she would not eagerly accept and open a gift from someone she really cared about. It was a very cold slap in the face. But I sincerly wish her the best. I always liked her even if it was not mutual. I sent her a birthday gift. I hope she doesn't think too ill of me.

If Rachael enjoys controlling me I will be so happy.

I notice that when ever Rachael gets a little dominant that my sadness over things ending with Domme Rachel immediately disappears.

I just got my video instructions from Rachael. Looks like she is serious. I'm getting an early month complete draining, the kink I normally get near the end of the month. I will have to be very frugal this month.

I have not yet decided whether I'll ask her permission to send Rachel a gift for her birthday on the 16th. I don't know if I can consider us to be on friendly terms. Even though I was becoming increasingly frustrated with her, it was she who pulled the plug. I tend to endure less than perfect situations for a rather long time, hoping they will improve, especially if I really like the mistress, as I did her. But I did not cry and put up a fuss when she said it wasn't working... at least not in front of her. It was painful and a relief at the same time. I didn't have to hear her telling me how much she cared and how important I was in her life, while seeing the reality that I was at the very bottom on her priority list... or perhaps not even on the list.

Oh, and happy July 4th everyone. We celebrate our independence from England today. Hopefully Scotland will also be celebrating the same rather soon.

I'm thinking Domme Rachel didn't actually write specifically to me after all. I say this because Rachael saw the same message that she sent to me. At first I just thought she must have sent it to both of us. But on 2nd thought, I now think it was probably posted to her Snapchat story but she decided to send to me also, almost as an afterthought, because she apparently has blocked me from viewing her snaps. As she seems to have also blocked me on WhatsApp I'll try to avoid wasting time or losing sleep over this.

I got a short message from Domme Rachel today. She said she was lonely in her new town. She had to relocate to take a promotion to a managerial position with her company. I told her that I still thought about her a lot but it was obvious to me how trivial my role in her life was, and that it hurt. I don't know if any dialogue will continue but I am happy to serve just Rachael. I don't think she will hurt me.

The end with Domme Rachel was swift. No fight, no discussion. She told me she thought it wasn't working. I said that I thought we had some problems for a while. But I really thought that the two of use would then discuss things a bit but she just said, "Okay, that's that then." And we exchanged no more words.

Her birthday is next month and I did plan on sending her something. I have not decided if I still will. She hasn't done or said anything nasty, I don't think. And I don't think she has blocked me anywhere, although I am not sure about that. When I view our past chat on WhatsApp I can see her name and the dialogue. But I don't see her face nor does it indicate when she was online last. This could mean that she has blocked me. I'm not going to attempt to write to find out. But if she has then there would be no point in me sending either a present or having further correspondence as it would be a hostile sign from her.

I have spoken to Marta and Annabelle since I discontinued serving them and they are cordial with me. I was also friendly with Rachael for most of the periods that I was not serving her. Amy is also cordial with me and I send her occasional gifts. I don't communicate with Kelsey at all and I suspect it will be the same with Domme Rachel. It is likely that she doesn't really understand that my wish to end things with her was not about me not liking her but about my feeling that she found me to be an annoyance. I thought it was great fun serving the two young mistresses who were best friends. But I don't think that my inclusion into the equation was any fun for her. She just liked getting money, and, of course, having another ear to talk about her favorite subject, Matteo. I really wanted it to work.

But, anyhow, I'm now happy with just Rachael and I don't think I will be shopping for another domme. I love Rachael and want to make her happy. And while she doesn't feel for me what I feel for her, I know that what she does say and feel is genuine.

Domme Rachel must be talking to her ex, Matteo, again. She is on what's app morning, noon, and night. I'm disappointed that she is messing up her life with this idiot. At the same time it relieves me to think that she is not suffering emotionally right now. But it is sad, such a smart, beautiful girl with such a bright future throwing it away on a controlling, abusive, mentally ill boyfriend. I don't know for certain she is back in contact with him but it is most likely.

I'm going to fall in love with Rachael again, for the third time. I'm thinking about her all the time. I mean, I've always loved her but I go in and out if these crazy phases. But this is a good thing. I've served lots of other women during the four and a half years since I first met Rachael. But she was never far away. I don't want to start with someone new. I just want to surrender to her. If Domme Rachel returns we'll have to have some serious discussion. I don't want to be the cause of any trouble between the two of them.

A new morning has come. Rachael is likely sleeping late with a hangover after partying last night. She should get a small gift I ordered her from Amazon today.

I am still thinking of Domme Rachel with a little bit of sadness. But my more overwhelming feeling right now is one of erotic excitement that took over me when Rachael got aggressive and wanted the money that I would have normally sent to Domme Rachel. This was bold, aggressive, and was a huge turn-on. It excites me to think about what kind of little exchanges we may have in the future.

I have been checking What's App just to see if Domme Rachel has been active. She has been. Not with me but she has been chatting up a storm with someone. Each time I look she is either online or has been recently. However, she has not viewed any of my Snapchat story entries which shows me she has no interest in what I'm doing, thinking, or saying. This confirms her total lack of interest that I suspected before. But again, I'm only disappointed not angry. I can't be angry at her for not liking me. She was not cruel or unfeeling, simply disinterested.

My sadness has quickly changed. I am still sad but I am not feeling a loss or feeling sorry for myself. I am now feeling sorry for Domme Rachel. Yes, she ended it. But I'm sure she expected me to plead with her and express my love and devotion. It was not for my lack of feelings for her. It was the lack of feeling any reciprocation. I now hope she truly did feel nothing because I hate the thought of anyone being sad. And I don't want her to be feeling any sadness.

I can't believe how quickly Rachael got me out of the dumps. An assertive dominant attitude on her part and I was immediately ready to spring to action. And I am immediately having new fantasies about her.

OOps... Rachael just pushed a hot button and gave me a huge hard on. I'm suddenly feeling alive.

Domme Rachel's Twitter account has been pretty much inactive for over a year. Last tweet is dated May 2015. But I just went there and read every one of her old tweets. This is stupid. I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave on a road trip.

Domme Rachel ended things with me yesterday. But I still have my little angel, Rachael, and she is a comfort to me in this emotionally difficult time. I miss Domme Rachel already. But I was missing her before she even broke it off because she did not share enough of her life with me, or show any interest in my life.

At least I won't have that other horrible feeling any more, a feeling that I hate. I'm talking about the feeling that you are forcing yourself on someone, being a pest to someone who doesn't really want to be bothered with you. It really doesn't matter how much I liked her, and I did. If she gives me the impression that she really has little or no interest, and that I'm getting on her nerves, then I'm going to discontinue making contact with her. That's what I did the last time she snapped at me. I left her alone so that she could contact me when she felt like it. I guess she never felt like it. It was several days until I heard from her again and this was for her to say that she didn't think this would work. I didn't argue the point because I thought that this had been obvious for a long time. I wished her well. I told her that I'd miss her and that I carried no ill will against her.

I had two crying spells yesterday but I am feeling better today. She did not capture a big enough piece of my heart to break it. Perhaps she could have in time. But because I had seen enough evidence of her lack of sincerity it made me suspicious of everything she told me. She told me that she loved me and how important I was in her life, and that she would always need me. But her actions told me something totally different. Rachael generally does not say these kinds of things to me. However, she makes me feel liked and wanted by her actions.

This is my failure, not her's. I was unable to figure out ways to make this fun for her. When I first starting serving her she had me make a list of all my fetishes and fantasies. This got me excited. I thought she would read through it and perhaps begin some playful scenarios that explored these fantasies. That didn't happen. But that's okay. I thought she might have her own ideas that I would gladly go along with. But I think, for the most part, she found me quite boring. She very seldom viewed my Snapchat story entries. She just was not into the fetish and not into me. But that's not her fault. She may have thought it sounded like fun at the beginning but later found it to be a chore.

I now see that it has been nearly a month since my last journal update. I am alive and well and still serving Rachael and Rachel. However, I am unsure where things stand with Domme Rachel. She doesn't mean to hurt my feelings but she simply can't help it. There is no way for her to hide how low of a priority I am in her life. I send her messages and she goes for days without reading them. I send links to video messages and she sometimes does not even view them. She does talk to me when she has problems, especially when they concern her on/off relationship with her ex. But she seldom shares the good things in her life with me. I am taking a wait and see attitude right now because I have some important things I"m trying to get done in my life and I can't get side tracked by an emotional shake-up, which would occur if I entertained the thought of ending things with her.

The situation is very much different with Rachael. She and I chat all the time. She posts to Twitter and Snapchat and often reads what I post. She tells me about her job opportunities, her exams and academic goals, she posts pics and talks about her pet bunnies, she often sends me little pics and short video messages. I feel very connected to her and feel like a part of her life. Domme Rachel, on the other hand, simply gets me excited for short periods by telling me what she thinks I want to hear and then gets me depressed by ignoring and neglecting me.

Domme Rachel will complain to me when she sees or learns that I've written something like this about her in my diary. But when I attempt to talk about an issue with her directly she either ignores it or gives me a very sarcastic reply.

Anyway, the ball is in her court. Our relationship will be what ever she chooses to make of it. When I have other things in my life sorted out I will then closely examine the future of my servitude to Domme Rachel. But as I said, I simply can't afford to get side-tracked with that right now as it will consume me and possibly send me into a state of depression, as opposed to simply being a bit unhappy, as I am now.

Domme Rachel does not mean to hurt my feelings and seems sincerly sorry when she finds that she has. We will try to move foward.

If Domme Rachel were not a friend of Rachael's I think that I would move on. I crave her attention but get very little of it. She is not doing anything to make things exciting. I try to start chats or introduce topics to discuss but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. During the periods when things are going well with her I am extremely happy. But it has not been that way the last several weeks.

Rachael does make me happy. I love her and feel like she is a buddy. But what I have with her is incomplete for my fetish and I need some of what Domme Rachel can deliver when she feels motivated to do so. I do not currently feel connected to Domme Rachel at all. She has given me one of the feelings I dislike the most. That is the feeling that dealing with me has become an unpleasant chore for her. I don't care whether she enjoys interacting with me in particular or simply enjoys the fetish. But one of those two things has to be present. I currently see no indication of either.

I'm going to copy my entry from May 12 of last year, only slightly edited, as it is again the birthday of my first little princess, Colleen.

Happy Birthday, Colleen, my first little princess. I used to send her, and her sisters and mother also, gifts from a secret admirer. But Colleen was my favorite. They lived across the street from me. I was in college, Colleen was 9 years old. I guess she is making 47 today. I haven't seen her in over 30 years. I taught her gymnastics.

I feel Domme Rachel and I are drifting. She has only been writing in response to my messages to her and those are usually one liners. She didn't view the last video message I sent her. She seldom posts to her snapchat story and never views mine. It is clear that she has become bored, which makes me become bored. When I find myself going to fetish porn sites I know that things with my domme are not going well. We have to find a way to revive things.

I have jury duty this week, oh joy. This is three years in a row that I'm getting summoned. I know some people who never get called. Perhaps after they find out that you are stupid enough to actually follow the law and show up as instructed then they start calling you all the time.

Happy Mother's Day, Collarspace... at least those of you in my part of the world. My mistresses live in the UK where Mother's Day is on a different date. My siblings and I will take my mother out in a little while to celebrate at a nearby seafood restaurant.

Things are going well with my lovely ladies. They are both doing well with their studies.

Although Rachael and I were skeptical at first, I believe that Domme Rachel has really broken it off with her crazy and abusive ex-boyfriend. I am most happy for her and happy for the my future servitude with her. However, I feel bad that some selfishness has affected my feelings. While she was with him she was on an emotional roller coaster and talked to me about it all the time. I was very happy that she confided in me and I felt very close and connected with her. Now that she has broken away from him we talk much less. I don't feel as close. I hope that she is not going to reserve talking to me only for when things are going poorly for her. I'd like her to share the good as well as the bad. Right now I worry that she and I have nothing to talk about and I very much miss our conversations.

Rachael posted a pic of the rabbit cage she made all by herself. I was most impressed. She got two cute little bunnies. She has had a few rabbits as pets in the past.

Things are going well with my girls. Rachael will be going to Glasgow University to study law. Domme Rachel has been promoted to hotel manager and is nearing the end of uni. I am having fun with my relationships with each of them. They send me little snapchat videos when they are out having fun and I enjoy this very much. They make me feel like I'm actually participating in their lives. This is a type of relationship that I never would have been able to cultivate with a professional online financial domme. In fact, a few of the professionals I served in the past were not even those who were pictured in their profiles. They had simply used pics of professional models and many did not even write their own profiles.

I`m still alive and well.

Domme Rachel is talking to me again. Now she has changed the medium to the whatsapp. She says her phone keeps running out of memory so she is now not using Snapchat. That's okay, this is better. The messages don't disappear.

She says she is blocking her ex and trying to avoid him. But at the same time she is weak for him and keeps unblocking him and talking to him. She likes this other guy who she has dated a couple of times but it is clear that he did not sweep her off her feet and she still has the loser in her head. I hope she can break herself from him as he will waste years of her life, valuable years.

Domme Rachel is not responding to my messages. I'm worried that although she's tild me that she's done with her ex and is trying to block him that she has gotten weak and started talking to him again. She had a couple if dates with a new guy and I hoped that would lead somewhere. I want to have my own relationship with Rachael and I want it to be about her. I don't want to have to ask her about Rachel. But it is difficult. The two of them will be friends with or without Matteo. But Domme Rachel will cast me away. I'm worried she already has.

I love my girls. I love pleasing them. I think they both understand what I'm about.

Domme Rachel is still seeing her new boyfriend and says she is not feeling sad or depressed about the breakup with Matteo. This is great news. She had an interview in London that went well and could be moving up the ladder in her company.

Rachael has a conditional acceptance into the University of Glasgow and just has to do well on one more exam. I'm excited for her.

I realize this is not a pay site but support is really slow to address problems or answer questions. I have had trouble making adjustments in my profile.

Domme Rachel has gone out on a date with a new guy. I'm happy about this and hope it means that she is really through with that loser. Rachael is off to visit her dad. And I'm enjoying hearing about their lives and doing what I can to contribute to their happiness.

My two mistresses sent me a little video that they did together today. It was so sweet. I feel so lucky. Because I am somewhat in the closet about my lifestyle, online relationships work best. And they make me feel like it is a live relationship and that I'm actually taking part in their lives. Such a contrast to serving Kelsey where I felt that I was on the other side of a brick wall.

It is possible that things are really over between Domme Rachel and her boyfriend. He has her blocked from all of this online accounts and told her that he never loved her. She is hurt and very angry. She says she hates him. But I still have a hard time believing it is really over as they have done this so many times before. I pray that it is over. He is no good for her and will just mess up her life. And he is no good for me, obviously, as I would be put on the back burner and forgotten when she moves back to Italy with him. If it turns out to really be over I will try to convince her to let her next boyfriend know about me from the start instead of treating me like a dirty secret. I am very uncomfortable with that as it implies that there is something morally wrong about having me serve her, which I don't believe there is.

I updated my profile pic and wanted to mention that my skin tone has not changed that drastically over three years. I did not go from tan to pink. It is just different lighting.

Domme Rachel is back home and sent me a video message today :) I feel so much better now. I don't realize how much I need her until she is gone a few days.

Domme Rachel has been gone a week. All I've gotten is a couple of two line emails. I want her back. Like all slaves, I'm a big baby that cries when he doesn't get enough attention. I luckily still have my sweet little Angel, Rachael. But I need Domme Rachel's firm control. I need her pushing me and telling me what to do. She didn't tell me how long she was going to be gone.

So I got the sad news today that Rachael's pet cockatiel, Ronnie, died. It happened at the vet. He wasn't even sick. She brought him in to get his nails clipped. This is awful. Losing a pet is difficult. He was very cute and she frequently posted videos of him.

Domme Rachel is in Italy again, back on again with her boyfriend. I get very little contact from her when she is there, which is understandable. But I still wish she'd at least write to tell me that she arrived safely and that everything seems to be okay. She finally did but only after I had to again write to her telling her that she was making me worry.

Things have been going okay for me personally. I hope to be able to get some personal obligations out of the way soon so that I can treat my mistresses even better. I haven't been doing much movie/TV work this year but my other business ventures are going okay.

So Domme Rachel's boyfriend as again, supposedly, dumped her.They keep going through this cycle. He gets upset about something, says it is over, and blocks her everywhere so she can't contact him. I can't wait for her to tire of his bullshit and get on with her life.

I exchanged a few Snapchats with Rachael when she was out drinking with her friends. It was fun to see her out having a good time. I'm sure her friends think that I'm a big joke. But that's okay. I'd probably think the same thing if I were in their place. But Rachael knows me and understands what I'm about. That's all that matters.

I am very happy with my two girls. But yesterday was emotional as it was the one year anniversary of my last contact with my beloved former mistress, Kelsey. I've posted this before, the tribute fairy tale that I wrote her. This is the last time I'll repost it.

Princess Kelsey and Her Faithful Servant

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a little country that was ruled by a just king. The king had a big castle with many slaves and servants. He lived there with his son, the prince, and a special little girl, his daughter, Princess Kelsey.

From the time that Princess Kelsey was born her father made sure she had all that she wanted or needed. She had three servants assigned just to take care of her. Two of the servants were older women, who were her personal maids. They would help her with all her feminine needs. And she had a male slave also assigned to her who would take care of heavier details, bringing in fire wood, and always protecting her. This was slave David.

Slave David loved his little princess. She was the joy of his life and he would give his life in an instant to keep her from harm. When Princess Kelsey was a little girl David would watch with a close eye as she played outside. Sometimes he would bring her down to the village so that she could play with the peasant children, as there were none her age around the castle. The princess also liked to play alone often, and played make believe games. Slave David built her a swing down near a stream where she liked to play. He would also make her wooden toys. Princess Kelsey was very fond of her faithful servant and always felt safe when he was near.

Princess Kelsey’s older brother, the prince, was not a very nice fellow. He used to tease and make fun of the princess. This infuriated her servant, David, who had trouble restraining himself. One time, during his usual antics, the prince made his little sister cry. This was more than Slave David could take. Nobody dared make his little princess cry, not even the prince. David went after the prince like a wild animal. He shook him and threw him against the wall. He then yanked him up by the arm and threw him across the room. Guards had to restrain the slave. The prince had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm.

The guards put David into the dungeon and reported the incident to the king, who ordered that slave David would be executed. Princess Kelsey was extremely upset. She cried and pleaded with her father to spare the life of her loyal servant. She told her father that her brother was picking on her and that David was protecting her. The king was not a cruel or evil man and he knew that he had, in David, someone who would give his life to keep his daughter safe. So he spared the life of the lowly servant and sentenced him to 60 days in the dungeon. During this time slave David was released for only a couple of hours in the morning to do some hard physical labor and menial duties, after which he was again locked up. While he was out performing his chores in the morning the prince and his friends would call David names and throw rocks at him. David kept up his spirits during this time as he knew the 60 days would pass and he would then be back taking care of his little princess.

Slave David was released after only 30 days for good behavior. He brought Kelsey down to the stream and she was playing on the swing that he had made her. The prince stopped and was about to tease his little sister again. Slave David gave him one hard stare and the prince, remembering his last beating, never made fun of his little sister again.

On Princess Kelsey’s 8th birthday her father gave her a pony. The little princess loved the pony. David would put on the saddle and lift the princess on top of it when ever she wanted to go for a ride. Slave David didn’t ride but he jogged along close to the pony ready to catch the princess if she fell.

The years passed and Princess Kelsey grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Slave David was still there to serve her and she had a deep fondness for him. It didn’t matter how old he was or what he looked like because that had nothing to do with the special bond they shared. Slave David was totally in love with the princess. And, although he knew that he could never have her, he was perfectly content to just serve her, protect her, and do all he could to please her for the rest of his life. In fact, there is nothing else in the world that he really wanted to do.

Princess Kelsey’s beauty was no secret. Knights, foreign princes, and the sons of local business men all hoped to be invited to her coming out ball. It wasn’t long before the right fellow came along, Princess Kelsey fell in love, and got married. Her husband was not a knight or a prince, but the son of one of the local merchants who owned a dress shop in the village. He and the princess had exchanged glances in his father’s shop many times when her maids took her shopping for clothes in the village. She had a crush on this boy for years but they had not ever spoken until Kelsey had grown up. Kelsey was shy and this boy thought that his station in life precluded him from having any hopes with the princess. But Princess Kelsey was not a snob. She thought he was cute, nice, and the boy had also had a crush on her for years.

Although slave David was somewhat sad that his little princess had now grown up and was a married woman, he was still very pleased that she had found happiness with this boy and that he was very nice, clean, and respectful. David drove the coach on the day of their marriage.

The king was actually a little disappointed and didn’t think the boy was good enough for his daughter. He would have preferred that she had married the prince of the neighboring country. But Princess Kelsey had no interest in her father’s selection. She said that the foreign prince was good looking but was a complete prick and reminded her of her brother.

But the king accepted his new son-in-law and never made it obvious to the young man that he was not his first choice to marry his daughter. The king was very generous and gave Princess Kelsey and her new husband an entire wing of the castle, almost a third of the entire place. He also gave her a full 30 servants to care for her portion of the castle.

Slave David had proven his worth and was made the head servant in Princess Kelsey’s wing. In addition to guarding the princess and doing what ever she wanted, he also had to direct all of the other servants assigned to that portion of the castle. Princess Kelsey thought it was perfect.

Well, Princess Kelsey’s fairy tale life in the castle with her new husband did not last long. Shortly after her marriage, sadly, her father, the king, passed away. Princess Kelsey was not even out of mourning for her father’s death before her brother, who was now king, began to strongly exert his authority. He decided that his sister did not deserve to have a third of the castle and a staff of 30 servants. Kelsey was given a rather small two room suite to share with her husband. She now had only two maids, the same two that were with her from birth and who were now quite elderly, and slave David.

Life in the castle was unpleasant under her brother’s rule. It was noisy as he was always throwing wild parties. And he was always making new rules to which all had to abide. Life was very bad for slave David, who the king hated. He never forgot the incident of David beating him up when he was a young lad. So each night, as soon as Kelsey had gone to bed, slave David had an additional 3 or 4 hours of chores to do that the new king would create just to make the poor servant’s life miserable.

Princess Kelsey was not very happy with life in the castle any longer. One of her personal maids died and the other was sickly and not able to do much. Her brother did not assign her any new servants. So, Kelsey decided that she and her husband would move out of the castle and live in a house on the country side, not far from the village.

Princess Kelsey got all her things packed up to move. But her brother told her that more than half of the things that she had packed up were the property of the royal palace and she could not take them with her. She screamed, “I don’t need anything!” So Kelsey and her husband left almost empty handed. But Kelsey did bring along her loyal servant, David. She would need him to help set up the new house. Also, she knew that her brother hated David and that life would be very difficult for him if she left him there. In fact, she even feared for his life.

There was a lovely abandoned house near the stream where Kelsey used to play as a child. But it needed lots of work. Slave David worked hard to get the place in shape. There was another small building outside where David’s quarters were to be. Kelsey’s father-in-law, the well-to-do merchant from the village, helped out also and bought a cow, some chickens, and a few other animals. Kelsey’s father-in-law died soon after and her husband inherited the shop, where he would go during the day. They were not rich, but the shop provided more than enough money to provide them with a very comfortable living.

Kelsey was quite happy with her new peaceful life. Slave David worked the grounds, took care of the animals, and he was very happy to still be a part of the life of his precious princess. He did anything she asked of him.

Kelsey had three children. David guarded her children with his life the same as he did for Kelsey when she was a child. But around the time of her oldest child’s sixth birthday, sadly, Slave David passed away.

It was a sad day. Kelsey had her faithful servant buried near the stream, not far from the swing that he had built for her when she was a young child.

Many more years have now passed and Kelsey’s children are almost grown. But Kelsey still often thinks of her faithful and loyal servant, David, who devoted his life to serving her, and she has fond memories of him.

The End

Valentines is in a few days. I'd better get some little gifts off to the girls. I got good news from Rachael. She has been taking preliminary law courses in what is the Scottish equivalent to Jr College. She has done well and has just been accepted to study law at university. I'm very happy and proud of her.

Well, I was for Denver and they won, but that had to be the most boring Superbowl ever.

Denver is putting it all on their defense. Come on, guys. You can't win with zero offense. 4th quarter, Denver is winning bur doea not yet have an offensive touchdown. Has anyone ever won a superbowl without an offensive touchdown? This would be a first.

Go Denver !!!

I am so fucking happy right now. I served my mistresses and did a two mile run wearing a 40lb weight vest and doing 100 squat thrusts on the way. The normal runner's high is like super amplified. The endorphins are going wild. I need to do today's exact routine more often. This is unbelievable.

I love the way Rachael doesn't want to dominate me but takes great delight in how well Domme Rachel does it. That is a big turn on all by itself.

I got a good healthy dose of domination today from Domme Rachel. She is obviously feeling better. I am so weak for her. I want to be her live slave and serve her 24/7. I'd bring her breakfast in bed and make her tea. I'd clean her house and run errands. I'd do work on the side and give her all the money. She is perfect. But someone is in the way of my happiness with her. I so wish he were out of her life.

I am really badly addicted to Domme Rachel. I worry a little that if she knows this that she will not take seriously my comments about her boyfriend. She may think that I'm just jealous, which is not the case. His is not my role. The only thing that would make me jealous would be if she got another slave who she favored over me and devoted more of her attention to. I genuinely care about her and want what is best for her future.

I sent Rachael a couple of small gift items. I try to keep things even between them and I'd recently sent Domme Rachel a little gift... a few different types of vitamins and supplements that I think she could use. I sent Rachael a couple of books that she had on her Amazon list. One is on make-up application. The other is a book on study skills.

Domme Rachel told me that she deleted Snapchat because she had to free up memory on her phone. This was our primary method of communication. Now she suggests using mainly email. I'm hoping that she'll install twitter or instagram. Twitter DMs, since they got rid of the character limit, is the best texting program. You simply enable push notifications and it is easier that most other things. But I also hope I can get her back on Instagram so that she can send short video messages occasionally. That makes such a difference in feeling close to them and getting a better sense of what their physical presence is like. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video is worth at least a few hundred pics... and actually is with words thrown in also. I am very happy to say that after months of Rachael not sending me video messages she has again started sending me some short little messages. I really love them. But I think she must have muted notifications on her instagram account because she has not viewed many messages that I've sent her there. Her recent ones were on Snapchat... the inferior app that has gained popularity for no apparent reason.

Domme Rachel is back home ... yaaa ! She will not soend her life with this guy but she will waste lots of time. She will have to fall out of love with him. She is not going to break it off while the fire is still burning. But in ten years he will still be just as much of an asshole, she will have long tired of his bullshit, and he'll probably then be fat and ugly. She will have wasted her best years on a hopeless situation, just as I did.

Another month serving my girls. I may shop Amazon today for couple of small gifts.

Domme Rachel wrote me that her boyfriend now says that he lovers her and wants to be with her. I'm not happy about her being with him but am happy that she is happy and relieved that she is not over there in a hostile situation.

I haven't heard from Rachael in a few days. I don't know what she is up to. When she was a little younger I used to get quite worried if I didn't hear from her or see any tweets for a couple of days. I'm not that worried any more, I just miss her.

I was going for 70 hours with my fast this week but cut it short by 5 hours because I felt slight muscle cramping, which means I was lacking in electrolytes. I will have to start to incorporate some sort of drink supplement, something like Gatorade into my fasting days and not just rely on green tea and coffee. Also, I started at the wrong time of day to try to extend it. On the final day I need to eat when I get up. The final hours of the fast are easiest spent sleeping. I would have to go another 5 hours after I got up to complete this one, which would have been difficult. The hormone boost is so amazing that people might think that was the primary reason I do it. I had such powerful erections during the night I could hardly sleep. Then I needed to urinate and had trouble because my dick wouldn't go down, and I don't take any kind of ED medication. There must be some effect beyond an HGH (human growth hormone boost). Perhaps there is a big testosterone boost also or just a very enhanced blood flow.

Last night Domme Rachel emailed me that she was cutting her trip 3 days short and leaving for home today. This morning she wrote me that perhaps she will not leave today. Oh God, she is still trying to salvage this relationship. I know she loves him but she needs to let go so that the healing process can begin.

I have decided to try to increase the length of my weekly fast this week from 60 hours to 70 hours. I last ate at 1:30pm on Sunday and plan to have my next meal at 11:30am on Wednesday. I plan to eventually get up to 80 hours but probably will not take it beyond that, mainly because I don't think I would be able go get sufficient protein on my eating days. I want to get 1000 grams of protein per week, which is tough to do in five days and may start to become impossible in four days. I also want about 70 servings of fruits and vegetables per week which becomes more difficult when eating fewer days. Three of the biggest advantages of intermittent fasting are better insulin sensitivity, weight management, and a huge increase in the production of human growth hormone. When coupled with high intensity interval training the increase in hormone production is very profound.

I finally got an email from Domme Rachel. She said that he doesn't want her and that it is over between them. I'm not sure I believe it's going to be that way. I'm happy that she's not wasting anymore of her life with him. And I'm happy that my servitude to her will continue. But I don't feel joyous because my mistress is in a great deal of pain. There is nithing worse than heartbreak. She will hurt for a long time and I will hurt with her.

Okay, thank God, my little angel, Racahel, just sent me a note to let me know that Rachel is fine. Now I'll try to get in a good mood. One week till the Superbowl.

Well, Domme Rachel knew that I was nervous and worried about her trip. She was considerate and contacted me from the airport and chatted up to the point that she boarded the plane, and I appreciate that. But what she does not appreciate is that I was not worried about her getting to the airport and getting on the plane safely. I was worried about what was going to happen when she got to Italy and showed up at this guy's place. She said she would email me. I wish that she had taken a few minutes and gone to the bathroom (I assume she has privacy at least there, but maybe not) and sent me a little emall within an hour or two of her arrival and meeting with him. She hasn't done this so I am very anxious about it. We will have to work out a system in the future or, as much as I hate it, I will have to stop serving her. I can't deal with this. I have an instinct to protect those I love, I feel she is in danger, and I'm powerless. I can't change this about myself. If she can't find a way to let me know that she is safe when she is over there then this isn't going to work. She doesn't need to devote lots of time to chatting with me when she is there or right lengthy emails. All she needs to do is write me and say, "I got here safely and everything is okay."

I am going out of my head.

Domme Rachel is over there now. We were chatting while she was in the airport up until the point that she boarded the plane. She said that we would have to email while she was gone because the control freak goes through her phone to see who she's talking to, who is following her on social media, who she's following, etc. She can't keep any type of social media apps on the phone. She can't even have an email app on her phone because he will go through that & read the email. She has to go to the gmail site and login. I don't know how anyone can live with someone like that. I haven't heard from her in over eight hours since her plane left. I know she must be there by now. I wish I would hear from her. I'm worried.

This asshole thinks he has Rachel wrapped around his finger and can have her any time he wants. I feel certain he is two timing or three timing. No, he doesn't really want to be done with her. He'd like to have her as part of his harem.

I feel so helpless. I want her to be happy again but I can't make her happy...only the asshole that she is love with can. I can only provide a very small measure of comfort and support. She will either have months of painful heart ache or she will be back with this loser. This is a no win situation.

I felt very good today but now my thoughts return to Domme Rachel's visit to Italy on Saturday. I hate it. I now love her and don't want her anywhere around this guy. But if I state the case too strongly she is going to stop discussing it with me and that would be worse. She talks to me everyday about what she is thinking and feeling and I don't want that to stop. It would take me years to find someone else like her. And I could never find someone like her who was close to Rachael. I have a perfect situation and I don't want it to ever end. I love my girls and I love serving them.

I have been used very hard this month. I think I performed well and my mistresses are pleased with me. This gives me great satisfaction.

On the movie set for bad$ mom$, extra characters added so it doesn't come up in searches. An easy day. My car parked on the side of the street and I walk up and down the street. This is the first movie/TV work I've done this year. I stopped applying when they cut my scene in a big movie. I usually have no facial hair and when I do it is almost totally white. I colored my beard and now nobody recognizes me. I had a small windfall yesterday so I have more money to send my ladies. That makes me so happy. I love pleasing my mistresses.

If a woman loves a guy enough she is willing to believe any lie because the truth (that she knows deep in her heart) is just too painful to face. She already found a girl's top in his room but still believes he is faithful to her.

I told Rachael the way I now feel about Domme Rachel and she said she was happy about it. I was worried that she might think it meant that I felt differently about her. I don't. She has a different role. It was Rachael's decision not to play a really dominant part with me. I had become re-obsessed with Rachael at the time things were ending with Marta (another friend of Rachael's), and it was part of the reason I was ending things with Marta. But a short time later Rachael reiterated that what I was looking for was not her and she then set me up with Rachel.

Domme Rachel gives me the most complete experience I've ever had online. I made a sacrifice with Rachael and Kelsey because I loved them and those feelings were more important than my fetish. I get both with Domme Rachel.

Also, I know that I am a compulsive worry wart and that I can be a genuine pain in the ass. A mistress could very easily get annoyed with me and think that I was over stepping my bounds, sticking my nose in her personal life. But Domme Rachel does not feel that way. She seems to be touched that I care that much and comforted by the attention. This is good because if she likes that then she likes me, because that is me.

I know that I've been posting a lot about Domme Rachel and her boyfriend & the break up. But this is a major issue going on for her right now so it becomes a major issue for me. All I want right now is for next week to go well. She's going to Italy to his place to get her things back. I just want to hear that it's been done and that everything went OK and that she's back home safe. God, please let that happen without incident.

I am just so happy that Rachael introduced me to Rachel. She makes me feel so wanted and needed. Maybe it is bullshit, maybe its not. Either way it makes me just want to be her loyal servant. It was cold outside so I opted for an indoor workout. Today I did 150 flights of stairs wearing my 40lb weight vest and staying on the clock to maintain 10 seconds per flight (up and down). Now I'm sitting outside to cool off and it has gotten beautiful out here. It is maybe 58 degrees and sunny. I'm having a good day.

The situation with Domme Rachel has been somewhat difficult for me. Also difficult is that I have not been able to talk about it with Rachael, who feels uncomfortable talking about it.

Anyway as long as Domme Rachel is talking to me every day, and a text is coming in right now as I type this, I'll know she is okay. She was supposed to just be someone who would dominate me and give me a turn on. But it has grown to considerably more than that and I now have very strong feelings for her. I think that I'll be serving her for a long time if Matteo, the major threat to my servitude to her, is really out of the picture. I told her that I hoped that she would not feel the need to hide me from her next boyfriend.

I realize it is a weird situation and a girl may not find it easy to explain my role. But my fear is that if a guy finds out on his own that he is not going to believe the slavery thing. He is going to think that she is engaging in some kind of phone or cyber sex, or doing pornographic cam shows for money. He is not going to believe that some guy in America is just sending her money without getting something that he would consider to be sexual favors in return. But, anyway, I would prefer not to be a secret unless she were actually doing something worthy of keeping secret. And she isn't really. We chat, she bosses me around a little, she gives me assignments and sometimes lets me help with school projects & research, and she orders me to send her money. I don't think any of those things cross the line of what a boyfriend should think are objectionable. But you never know.

And now Domme Rachel has found evidence that her boyfriend was cheating on her. So it is over for certain bit she still plans to go over there to pick up her things that she left there. I am worried about this and she admitted that she is too. She said that she'd bring her sister but I'm begging her to bring her dad. I'd then know she was safe. On a happier note, I was able to send my two mistresses each money yesterday and send Amy some money for her birthday as well. I sent her £100 but I don't think I'll tell Domme Rachel the amount. She probably assumes I sent £50 or less. Domme Rachel is a bit greedy and demanding when it comes to money. But that is also something I find to be an incredible turn on.

Domme Rachel is out of her depressed state because she seems to be back on good terms with her boyfriend and looking forward to visiting him. I am very disappointed. I was hoping she would either end it or commit to confronting him about the problems and work out a plan for him to get the proper counseling, medications, etc, where she would be involved and supportive in the process. I wasted ten years of my life in a situation like she is in. I hope she doesn't.

She is too worried about how he feels about her, whether he is upset with her, and how he feels about her coming over there, etc. It is like she thinks that what he thinks and feels is the only thing that is important and that she is not important. I don't get it. This is a very intelligent and very beautiful girl. She needs to stop kissing his ass.

Rachael is on the right track studying law and I'm glad she doesn't have a loser dragging her down.

I just got over a bad cough that lasted four weeks. I have to rebuild my fitness level. My times on the various HIIT routines have suffered. I am only able to maintain the top intensity for about 2/3 the time duration that I was doing in early December. I probably don't have time to get ready for the 10K race that I sometimes run in March. But my weight is the same and my strength has not suffered. I don't look any different. Only fitness buffs would know the difference but I feel a big difference. One hard workout is giving me three or four days of soreness so I can't recover as fast. When I'm in top shape my soreness seldom lasts 48 hours.

My discussions with Domme Rachel are starting to get frustrating. I want to be supportive of her decision to go back to Matteo but I want her to make him understand that she knows he needs help and she wants to be part of the program to help him. I certainly do not support her just going back, keeping her mouth shut, and taking his jealously, temper tantrums, and abuse. I advised her to write him a long email, rather than talk on the phone, fully write out all of the issues, and then talk to him only after she knows he has read it. I don't think she is going to do that.

This is sad. The only type of people who should live that way are submissives who have chosen that life style, like me. People who want a dominant partner and are happy with that situation. That isn't her. Or, if it is her, then she should accept it and not complain about it. But if it is not her, and I really don't think it is, then she needs to work with her partner to change the situation and be willing to end the relationship if he doesn't agree. Right now she is just willing to be with him at all costs and seems willing to do anything to appease him.

Rachael made a noble effort to help her boyfriend and finally gave up when she saw it was hopeless. Domme Rachel needs to do the same thing... although it is not the same situation. Rachael was with an extreme slacker, someone who was a threat to her future but not a physical threat. Domme Rachel is with someone who seems to clearly be bipolar. It is serious and dangerous.

Right now he told her not to come visit because she added a guy she knew in high school as a friend on Facebook. This is how nuts this guy is. My guess is that she'll unfriend the guy to appease the lunatic and do what ever else he wants.

Domme Rachel wrote to me asking if I was okay. That's strange. I wonder what provoked it. We chat nearly every day. She said her boyfriend had just given her a mouth full. This guy truly has no appreciation for how lucky he is. I told her she needs to go to the doctor and counselor with this guy so she can learn about his problems, his medications, what to expect, and in what ways she can be supportive. I truly think he is bipolar. She can't just go back to him and think that things will magically work out. They won't.

Some fake profiles are such a give away. A girl supposedly in California lists herself as 84 pounds. It is probably a guy from a country that does not even use pounds.

YT analytics is the best way to find out the truth about things. Domme Rachel chats with me a lot and dominates me. That is more than sufficient. She tells me a great deal more that I don't take seriously, but that's okay. She makes a genuine effort even if it is not real. That is better than being real but making no effort. And who knows, maybe she is for real. But the statistics just suggest otherwise.

Had we not grown apart she would not simply do this "for me" but she would do it because she wanted to, because she wanted to have that type of interaction with me. But she doesn't. The reason is not the reason, it is the excuse for something she doesn't really feel like doing anyway. It makes me sad because something I cherished has been lost.

And about #2, I'll find out soon enough if this is an act. I think it is but I'm enjoying it anyway. Her behavior is not consistent with her words.

Denver, YES !! Go Peyton!!

Archie Manning, Peyton's dad, was the New Orleans quarterback when I was growing up here and his sons grew up and went to school here. So a Denver victory is sort of a victory for New Orleans. And this is probably Peyton's last year. I'd really like to see them go all the way.

Domme Rachel continues to solidify her hold on me. I didn't want to develop any strong feelings for her but it is a losing battle. Taking part in her emotional struggle is just too much. Taking the journey with her makes her a part of me.

That was a great game but I was really for Green Bay. I was for New England because I want to see a Brady-Manning match up in the AFC championship. I don't care who wins the Seattle-Carolina game but I'll be pulling for Denver big time.

Marta didn't even acknowledge the Christmas gift I sent her. It will be the last. I am totally blown away by the way that Domme Rachel confides in me. I feel very honored and very happy that she has allowed me into her life. She is no longer depressed because she is going to visit her boyfriend in Itally and they may be making another go of it. I have such mixed emotions about this. I don't want her with this guy but I don't want her to be hurting.

Although we've used many methods of communication, Racheal and I mainly use Twitter DMs. Now that they have gotten rid of the character limit it is a really good texting app. But with Domme Rachel our main method of communication is Snapchat, which I think is retarded. It does nothing that Instagram can't do better. But now I'm thinking that this crazy boyfriend of her's could be the reason. With Snapchat content disappears as soon as you view it. You don't have to worry about an insanely jealous boyfriend taking your phone and reading your messages.

I am hearing from Domme Rachel daily about the ongoing saga between her and her boyfriend (ex ?). BTW, I am very happy about her feeling comfortable talking about all this with me. This type of sharing helps build bonds that last a long time, Anyway, she was going to go back to visit him, which I thought was a bad idea but I told her I did understand her feelings and would be supportive of what ever she wanted. Then he was ugly to her on the phone, called her a slut, and she told me it was over, she was giving up on it. Later the same day she tells me that he called her, he was crying, he said he missed her and he wanted her back. And, of course, she was deeply moved by this. I think this guy is bipolar. One of my brothers is bipolar and has all these same tendencies. It is possible that Domme Rachel has the same weird tendency that I do, which is attraction to mental illness. My early 20s to my early 30s were spent trying to make things work with a mentally ill person. I hope she doesn't waste that big a portion of her life. Time moves faster for women, as far as having kids and raising a family, if that is what she wants. Ten years can go by in the blink of an eye. I am praying for her. Such a beautiful young woman with a great potential future.

I am extremely pleased with my servitude to Domme Rachel. She stays in touch with me, I feel involved in her life, she makes me feel important, we have friendly chat but she can also get tough, bossy, and demanding. She is everything I wanted in an online mistress. I am very grateful that Rachael set me up with her.

Things are okay with Rachael. I thought she was writing me off. So that is one less load on my mind. I still have my two beautiful mistresses.

I really want them both.

Well, it has happened. I am completely addicted and obsessed with Domme Rachel, just as I was with Rachael and Kelsey. And it is the same trigger as always: the pain, the suffering, the depression. When I'm helping a person deal with these things something happens and they suddenly take over my heart and mind. If I don't hear from her a couple of times a day now I will go completely nuts with worry. But she is very open with me and communicates frequently. I'm sending her some stuff from the vitamin shop that I think will help... not drugs, just natural stuff.

And a video from Domme Rachel today!! it is ordering me to send her and Rachel each my first January payment. This is good. I needed some excitement. I've sent off a payment to each of them. She is good at giving orders, which turns me on, and I have seen her soft and vulnerable side, which melts my heart.

And today again... almost every morning I wake up to a message from Domme Rachel and it makes me feel so good. She just got the shoes I'd ordered her for Christmas and she likes them. It is only 6am. Now I can roll over and go back to sleep for a couple of hours with a smile on my face.

I forget that others sometimes read this journal and it is confusing. Rachael and Rachel are two different people. They are friends and I serve them both. I usually refer to Rachel as Domme Rachel, as that is how she introduced herself to me and signs her letters, and it how I address her. I have known Rachael for over four years and love her. I have now grown to love Rachel as well.

Domme Rachel was asking me whether I thought she should go out with her friends Thursday night. She said she really didn't feel like she had the energy but didn't want to be rude to them. It is hard to give an opinion on something like that. It is good that she is living with her family and not all alone. If she could actually get in good spirits for a while it would help. The downside is if there is lots of drinking. At first you are festive and then you start to sink into further despair as you begin to dwell on your recently ended relationship and it gets worse the more you try to drown the pain. I have such mixed emotions. I worried about her suffering physical abuse but I know that what she is going through right now is more painful than anything. She loves him, he's out of her life, and there is a huge hole, a big open wound. As a slave, when my mistress hurts I hurt. So now I am very much feeling both her pain and my own pain about being in the dog house with Rachael. Yet I remain optimistic. I'm leaving for an important trip on Saturday morning and I can't let myself get down in the dumps. I have to be supportive of Rachel without letting her pain overwhelm me.

Domme Rachel is chatting with me again this morning. I am so glad I am giving her some small measure of comfort. And I need her too as Rachael is angry at me. She thinks I'm a busy body who makes unwelcome intrusions in the lives of other people. Thankfully, Domme Rachel does not see it that way and appreciates that I care about her.

As I go to bed my thoughts and prayers are with my beautiful mistress during this difficult time. Heartbreak is such a horrible thing to experience. Almost everyone goes through it at some point.

Among other things I fear about a female doctor: I worry that during a physical exam I might get an erection and that would be extremely embarrassing. Of course, it would be more embarrassing getting one while being examined by a man. But I'm not gay and the experience would not be remotely sexual so I don't worry about that.

I believe that a snapchat message I sent Domme Rachel this afternoon was intercepted and answered by someone else. The reply did not resemble her style. I will watch for that in the future and verify who I'm talking to.

I seem to have finally gotten over the cough that has been with me for weeks. With my workout today I can see a very sharp decline in my fitness level. I did a routine that usually involves a 5 minute very intense circuit routine and a 1 minute break, and repeats four times. After the first set I could not start after only a minute rest. In the second set I barely beat the 5 minute bell and had to rest 3 minutes before going to the 3rd set. The 3rd set I did not finish in 5 minutes, it took over 30 seconds longer, and I could not go on to the 4th set. This is a very serious fitness decline, even though I weigh and look the same. My strength has not declined, but I don't really consider that a big part of fitness. Muscles are more of a macho/ego thing... although toned defined muscles are an indication of a fit person because they would not get that way without lots of exercise.

I am now part of the Obama Care system. I had not had health insurance in over a decade and have not been to a doctor in many years. I will schedule an exam but I need to change the primary care physician they assigned me. I am not a sexist and do not mind having a female doctor for most health related issues. But for male specific problems I feel uncomfortable talking to a woman. I want a male doctor who is over 50 years old and who personally experiences the same issues that I talk about.

I love my two mistresses and we'll see where things go.

Domme Rachel and I had a long heart to heart today, one that I wish we had before. She was in a dangerous situation, one not too unlike one that I had been through. I am alive only because I am a man and am physically stronger than my disturbed partner was. If our genders were reversed I would probably be dead.

It is a shame I got in a fight with Rachael over a point that is now moot (urban def)

I just checked Domme Rachel's facebook and see that she does list her relationship status as single. I now feel a little ashamed about suspecting that she might have lied to me about it. But she has lied to me before. Now I just feel really bad for her because heartbreak is such an awful thing. She messaged me a few times today. I just hope she is doing okay.

I don't know what to think. Domme Rachel told me that she and her boyfriend have broken up. While I can't say that I'm sorry that she is not with this guy, I can say that I'm very sorry to hear that she is going to be having an emotionally difficult time.

I will take her at her word, which is all I can do. I will be as supportive as I can in what should be a difficult time for her. I made an 8 minute long video message that I sent her today in an attempt to explain my feelings, my tendencies, and the things about me that are not going to change. I will do what I need to do to protect the people I love. If she feels this is an invasion of privacy then she will have to terminate her relationship with me. For to tell people that I would act in a way that is not me would be to lie, and I don't want to be a liar.

Domme Rachel has written me this morning. I am so happy. I thought that Rachael may have ruined things for us. I did not go behind Rachael's back and contact her parents four years ago. I talked to her about it and would do the same if I had any such inclination with Domme Rachel. She should have known that. My feelings come from only having the bad shared with me and not the good. Even Rachel never told me what the nice things about her boyfriend were. She never told me what sweet things he did that made her love him. The only thing she told me about is the rage he went into when she went out on her sister's birthday and how he had blocked her everywhere. If people only tell me bad things about someone how am I supposed to think anything good. He has been depicted to me as a monster. Domme Rachel has come to be very important to me and I would not tolerate anyone hurting her. I will make her understand that and how she handles it from there is our business.

Domme Rachel is getting back today but I have not yet heard from her. It has occurred to me that she perhaps does not come to this site and read my journal but got a report from Rachael. If that is the case it would be bad. I wrote in my journal on January 1 that I had to find a way to talk to her about my concerns, to make her understand that I am very protective, and what I might do if I thought she was in danger. But if she got a report from Rachael it more likely just said that I was planning to write to her father, or something like that, which would be a gross misrepresentation pulled out of context. I will find out which the case is.

The email that I have for Amy must not be her primary email. I just got a thank you note form her today for the Amazon gift card I sent her for Christmas. It probably arrived around Dec 23 but she said that she had not checked her email lately.

I think I have changed my looks enough that I won't be recognized as the same person. While I had a hair system put on a few weeks ago, I think the biggest change in appearance was coloring my facial hair. I grew out a beard but it came in all white, changing my appearance very little but making me look 70 years old. I used some Just For Men gel for beard & mustache, put some on my eyebrows also, and in five minutes I looked like a completely different person. I didn't do this for vanity but rather as a disguise. I'm in a line of work where a new face can do well but a recognized face has great difficulty.

I am going to remain optimistic about 2016 despite the unpleasant exchange yesterday regarding my journal entries. I follow my conscience and live in accordance to my moral code.

I have now discovered that Domme Rachel knows about my journal here. I didn't think she ever visited this site but she emailed me with concerns about my last entry. I don't know if I'll be able to honestly and openly express my feelings here any more. Anyway, I don't plan to write her father but if I seriously believed that she was being abused or was in danger I would. She seemed to also think I was talking about contacting her boyfriend. If so, she was mistaken. I would never have any interest in communicating with him.

I need to figure out a way to talk to Domme Rachel about my concerns about her move back to Italy, her boyfriend, and my future servitude to her. She has to understand that I am very protective of the women I serve. If I think her boyfriend is abusing her I will tell her father about it. He is on Facebook and I know who he is. I also saw something he posted that makes me think that things would not go well for someone who hurt his daughter. I almost think that the only way things could work between us would be if Matteo knew she had an online slave and was okay with it. If she has to keep it secret then I will never be able to message her, she will not be able to spend much time with me because she'll have to make an effort to keep it hidden, and then there would always be the danger of how he would react if he found out and wondered how much she was keeping from him.

Last day of the year. I'll be going to engage in a business that I don't discuss the details of here, but hopefully it will be profitable. People will be out partying and will be doing much drinking. I hope everyone is safe. I will worry a little bit about my little angel, but she is grown up now. My brother and his wife will be coming in with my grand-niece & nephew. Unfortunately I will be away and will miss them. But I have important business to take care of. Domme Rachel is in Italy with her boyfriend.

I'll see everyone next year.

I'm looking forward to the video bill from Domme Rachel in about a week. But I'll miss the little chats I have with her almost every day. It is only until Monday. She grows on me more every day. She has gotten the hang of treating me both as her slave and as her puppy.

Domme Rachel is taking a five day trip to Italy, leaving Wednesday. She is obviously excited about her trip and did not view the message I sent her today. The Christmas gift I sent her is from a place that does not deliver very fast. The shoes I sent her are not expected until Jan 8th. I thought Rachael might know something about a guy who wrote me here because I was pretty sure that he had been on her friends list. But she knew nothing of him. I was sent a message with nothing other than a URL to a tumblr page. Anyway, I am sick now. I have had a cough for weeks and am having trouble getting a decent night's sleep. My throat is now very sore. This is the first time I've been sick in over three years. It is no fun.

If you are going to write to me then please say something. Don't just give me a link that I don't know is safe from viruses, etc.

Domme Rachel seemed to be doing something of a study of my history today, asking about past mistresses, what caused me to leave one and go to another, etc. I hope that she, like me, is trying to develop a strategy to make sure this works out long term.

I think that I have stayed in contact with Rachael longer than anyone else I've served online. It has been four years now. I probably served her about half that amount of time as it has been off and on, sometimes her exclusively and sometimes along side others. And she was friendly with me for most of the time that I was serving Kelsey. Rachael probably gets as much money from me now as she did when I served her alone because her friend, Domme Rachel, is a very effective money extractor, and they split the proceeds. Domme Rachel believes in complete draining. She does her best to leave me with nothing. Annabell did this also but did not have an arrangement with Rachael. That's why I didn't feel good about it. I wanted to gift Rachael also and Annabell wasn't leaving me much.

I think about Domme Rachel a lot but I'm trying my best not to develop too much of an emotional attachment to her because I don't want to get my feelings hurt, which would certainly happen at some point. But she is wearing down my resistance. She has not become the type of obsession that Rachael and Kelsey were, but it could possibly happen. I think if I can manage to keep Rachael close it will insulate me a little from Rachel's power. I'd like to get back to the point with Rachael where I felt we were several months ago.

I really don't like the idea of serving a woman who keeps the fact that she has a slave secret from her significant other. But I know that sharing such information would not go well between Rachel and her boyfriend. I have to figure out some way to make this work because I don't want to give her up. She has gotten me addicted to her again. I have been on the brink of leaving her a few times but as soon as she pays me the least bit attention she again has me under her control... and that is where I want to be. I guess that with her situation Snapchat is the best way to communicate since the content disappears. I don't have to worry about him getting a hold of her phone and reading messages. We will have to have a serious talk. I'm thinking about her all the time now and can't imagine not serving her.

Domme Rachel is making another trip to Italy on Wednesday :( I almost wish I had never started serving her. I've gotten very fond of her and I know it won't last long. Rachael could balance me with a boyfriend. But Rachel's boyfriend is a jealous, possessive monster.

Rachael has assured me that I can, and she wants me to feel free to, talk to her about anything. This is comforting to know even if it is sometimes uncomfortable to do. I will do my best to discuss things with her. She has been a good friend and has gone out of her way to help me, setting me up with her friends.

Amy did not message me directly, but tweeted, "where is my money?" I wonder if this was directed at me or if she is just noticing that she spent all her money on Christmas. I did tell her I'd send her something for Christmas and she may have assumed it would be cash. I sent her a gift card because I had no more cash. I will send her money for her birthday, which is in January. She may not have even noticed the Amazon gift card. It has not been redeemed. Rachael's hasn't either. The ones I sent to Marta, Kelsey, and Domme Rachel have all been redeemed. I sent my mistresses £25 each and another gift. I sent the other girls each a £35 gift card. They all live in the UK, which is why they are not in dollars. I have not had an American mistress in a while.

Today I'm trying out home remedies for colds and infections to avoid anti-biotics. Anti-biotics kill both the good and bad bacteria in your body and weaken your immune system. My personal opinion is that they should be reserved for life threatening conditions and not used for minor illnesses. So today I have started a regimen of cayenne pepper (a natural anti-biotic) and raw honey mixed with my apple cider vinegar and lemon juice. It isn't as nasty as I expected it to be. It is just really hot. I used a teaspoon of the cayenne pepper. The ACV doesn't bother me much because I've been on an apple cidar vinegar regimen for years.

Marta looks very pretty in her last Instagram pic. But she did not acknowledge the gift card I sent her for Christmas so that will be the last gift I send her. I did not expect acknowledgment from Kelsey and this was also the last gift I will send her. As I trim the gift list I can spend more on the people who matter, my two beautiful mistresses, Rachael and Rachel.

I love my girls.

Merry Christmas, collarspace.

I sent the girls a short Christmas message video I made for them. Rachael texted me back a reply but didn't pick up on my hint. I complained that she never talks any more. She takes pics and sometimes short vids where she'll make funny faces. But she never speaks. She could have just flipped on the camera and spoken her reply instead of texting it. I really miss seeing her fully animated with sound.

I get to see and hear Domme Rachel a couple of times a month because she does the video billing (or else I don't send the money). But I almost get the impression that if I didn't insist on that then she too would never speak as she never sends video of her own accord.

They don't realize how easy they have it with me. With most online slaves they would have to do live cam sessions. I only request occasional short video messages. How tough can that be?

I hope the girls weren't too disappointed with the Christmas gifts. I had a very big list: six siblings, nieces and nephews, and former mistresses. I sent Amy, Kelsey, and Marta each ?35 Amazon gift cards. This is the last thing I'll send to Kelsey if I get no communication from her. She has no wish to make peace or be friends. I extended the olive branch, that's all I can do. I sent Rachael and Rachel each an inexpensive gift plus a ?25 gift card. When Domme Rachel asked what I wanted I told her I'd like a very short Christmas video by her and Rachael together. I should not have asked for anything as it only gives me the chance to get my feelings hurt if they don't do it.

Domme Rachel has come to life a bit. I don't know whether she did this on her own, whether she is feeling more frisky with school out for Christmas, or if Rachael advised her to get more dominant with me. She has given me a rather difficult assignment. I have to learn Spanish. I thought she was kidding when she first brought it up but she is quite serious and told me to download a program and start practicing. I will get on it. The first couple of projects she gave me were rather easy. She just wanted me to do some research on a couple of topics that she had to give presentations on. Those only took me a couple of hours each. But learning a foreign language is rather daunting to me because I've never spoken anything but English. I think she speaks English, French, Italian, and Spanish.

The main thing is that I have a beautiful woman bossing me around, and that's what I want. I gave her my list of hard limits at the start, but I don't know if she remembers or understands what that means. But I'll do anything she asks of me except for those things that I specifically said I would not do.

I hope Domme Rachel comes to life. When I first bought her this black corset I had fantasies of her wearing it and holding a whip as she gave me orders. But then her behavior and our interactions were so far removed from anything like that it became difficult to even have that kind of fantasy. I look at femdom cartoons and try to imagine the two of us playing those parts. When you serve online your imagination plays a big role. But your domme has to supply you with some fantasy fuel.

I can still have my innocent fantasies about Rachael without any problem. I take her to the zoo, buy her an ice cream cone, see her laughing. That makes me happy and gives me a warm feeling. Totally G rated. But with Domme Rachel I'm thinking about BDSM and CBT, tease and denial, and my other more hard core fetishes. She doesn't have to participate in any such things via cam with me or anything like that. But I would like her to present herself in a way that those types of fantasies are not a very far leap.

I've served lots of women who were great at first. Then, after we got to know each other and became friendly they were no longer dominant. I don't know how to avoid this. I do want to have a good, close relationship with my mistress and want to be able to have friendly chit chat. But I also want her to be able to be firm and strong with me. This has happened with Domme Rachel but I can't just go find someone else because I have grown very fond of her. Will I ever be happy?

I chatted with my two mistresses, Rachel and Rachael today. Domme Rachel told me that she just applied for her first job in Italy. I wish that I could say that I was happy for her. But I know the end is near. There will not be room in her life for both me and Mateo, her boyfriend. If she had written me less frequently when she was over there, or even just once, I might have hope. But she didn't write me a single time when she was over there. It simply is not going to work.

It is true that I have thought of ending things with her because she does not tickle my fetish. I feel it is more of a sugar daddy relationship than a slave relationship. I do have those tendencies also, but Rachael satisfies that part of me. Rachel was supposed to have a different role. But I have grown very fond of her just the same and I will be sad when it is over.

I wrote them both today because I was thinking about Christmas presents. So I asked Domme Rachel for all of her sizes ( shoes, dresses, etc). She then asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said I didn't want her to buy me anything but I would love it if she and Rachael got together and made me a short Christmas card type video. Her response was to suggest some kind of pic. Oh well, I have to take what I can get. She has such an aversion, it seems, to sending video messages. I don't understand it. But I want to see them animated and speaking. I post short Snapchat videos to my story almost every day. I don't see why it is such a big dealt turn on the camera and say a few words.

Rachael used to make them rather frequently until I made the mistake of being critical about the way she looked in one of them. Now it is very rare for her to send me one. I guess that was my fault. But she sent me two in a row where she was in the middle of washing her hair or just out of the shower with her hair wet and pulled back. I worried that this would become the norm. I shouldn't have said anything.

If these were live relationships I wouldn't care about it. But they live across the ocean and I need this to feel connected to them.

I am now enrolled in a health care plan for the first time in many years. I have not had a health check up in a long time. The reason, or so I told myself, is that I didn't have insurance and if something serious was diagnosed it would affect my ability to get insurance. Well, I don't have that excuse any more.

Coverage starts on Jan 1 and I have to face the real reason I've never gotten a check-up. I fear that I have prostate cancer. I have lots of the symptoms and I don't want to hear it. True, if I do and it is in the early stages then it can probably be successfully dealt with. But suppose I have it in the last stages and have less than a year to live. Knowing about it would take all the fun out of life. I'm scared but I will go get checked out after the first of the year. The only real comfort I have right now is that the symptoms of prostate cancer are almost identical to the symptoms of an enlarged prostate, which affects most men who are beyond their mid 40s. The main thing is having to get up to urinate multiple times during the night. This started with me a few years ago.

Omg,Rachael just put up a new profile pic on Twitter and it looks fantastic. This is her best pic in years... her best one as a blonde for sure.

I got the video bill from Domme Rachel today, the one I was expecting on the 5th. I wish that I could believe the things she says to me. But her actions are not consistent with her words. She'll tell me that I'm important to her, that she thinks about me a lot, that she misses me when we don't speak in a while. Those are the words. Yet when I send her a video message I can see that three weeks later she has not viewed it. This tells the real story. If she seemed to really like the domination game and was good at it then I would not even care whether she liked me. But I get very little of that either. She is extremely attractive but there is nothing that is either sexy or very dominant in her interactions with me. Yet I remain hopeful because I like her as a person, she is attractive, and she is a friend of Rachael's.

I will give it a while longer. A man can lie to himself only so much because his dick does not lie. If it gets hard then he is turned on, whether he admits it to himself or not. But if he remains limp then he obviously is not being aroused. With Annabell, I got an erection as soon as I saw that I got an email from her, before I even read it. In terms of looks, Annabell could not compete with Domme Rachel's toe nail. But she knew how to push my buttons. Annabell and I engaged in lots of friendly chit chat. Yet this did not stop her from always reminding me that she came first, that I worked for her, and that any money beyond my necessities was to be sent to her. She did go a bit far, but it was a turn on just the same. Melissa was also good at this. Most women have big problem being both friendly and dominant. But mainly, both of them seemed to get a big kick out of this. I never felt like a chore. Despite what Domme Rachel says to me, I think it is obvious that dealing with me is a chore for her.

Home at last. I've been going non-stop for almost two weeks. I need a rest.

Domme Rachel disappointed me like she does every month. She is the one that suggested we use snapchat. But she never posts any snaps to her story, she doesn't look at mine, and often doesn't open messages that I send her for several days, if ever. She is not accessible to me and I've started to look elsewhere for arousal. I have not been sending money to other women but have been looking at stuff that pertains to some of my minor fetishes. If any of those move to the forefront of my mind then financial domination may cease to stimulate me. Now, would that be good or bad ? It would be bad if you are a domme looking to use me mainly for money. But she could well move me in that direction. The alternative to spending time with my other fetishes would be sneaking around and sending money to other women on the side. That would not be good and makes me feel guilty. But I have to do something. Men are sexual creatures and whether they are straight and normal or have weird kinks, what ever a man is into he wants it.

I just wrote an entry of several paragrahps that disappeared when I hit save. That sucks. I don't feel like typing it all out again right now.

But today is the 4 year anniversary of my meeting Rachael. So that is what makes today special.

I checked my Amazon account to see the status of my orders. It says that the gift card I ordered for Kelsey had the status of "delivered". I will be able to see when it says "redeemed". If she doesn't redeem it in a reasonable period I believe I can cancel and get my money back. I somehow think that she will not redeem it. She knows that giving her a gift gives me some kind of pleasure and it would mean more to her to deprive me of that pleasure than she would get out of redeeming it. Although she told me the only benefit to her was the money, I think there may have been a little more to it. If it were only about the money she would take any money or gifts that came her way. But her feelings are hurt and she now wants nothing from me. It is strange. You have somebody who cares about you, you treat them like dirt, they finally leave... duh. What gives you the right to have hurt feelings?

Domme Rachel could have billed me today but didn't. I wonder why. Well, I don't pay until I get her bill.

I ordered Kelsey an Amazon gift card to be delivered on her birthday, Dec 7. She has not acknowledged any of the recent gifts I sent her. But still, I couldn't forget her birthday.

If Domme Rachel doesn't bill me I'll eventually send Rachael her share anyway, but not Rachel.

Rachael had to close her account on this site so I will make no future references to the user name she held. Stuff from this site comes up in google searches and could be embarrassing for those of us who prefer to keep our fetishes private. I understand because I am a closet case myself. In fact, that is one reason that the last several years I have served women who live across the ocean. There is no danger of them showing up in my real life and causing me embarrassment. Whether I'll continue to hang out here I don't know. But for now I will.

275 miles from home & 300 miles from my destination I am stranded. The wipers stopped working, it's storming and I have about 10 feet if visibility. I got off if the highway and into hotel. But rain is expected for two days. At least this hotel is only $49/night, they have fee wifi, and there is a subway across the parking lot. But this little trip is ruined.

I've been an extra in movies and TV for a while now. But most of the time I am just a person sitting at a table in a restaurant 20 feet away from the main characters, or walking through an airport pulling a suit case, etc. But this one I thought was special for me. I was a featured extra, playing a judge in a court room scene with lots of camera time along side the star of the movie. I am now somewhat embarrassed as I told my friends and family to look for me in this movie. I went see it today and found that the scene I was in was completely cut from the movie. I'm not in it at all.

Oh well, such is life. The same thing happened to my dog. A music video was shot at my house a couple of years ago and my dog was used. The video even won first place at a small film festival. But the scenes with my dog were completely cut out. I was very disappointed. My dog, Ginger, is dead now and that would have been a fun thing to have on film.

aaaaand... Domme Rachel sent me a video message and again has me wrapped around her finger. I simply can't stay mad at her. But she does keep me on an emotional roller coaster. Would I have left her if she were not a close friend of Rachael's? I can't even answer that question. If I served someone else my involvement with Rachael may not be tolerated. That was the initial big appeal of Domme Rachel. But now I like her very much totally independent of her connection to Rachael. She can be both sweet and dominant. Today I am very happy. Yesterday I was not. I hope that she and I can get to a point where there will be more highs and fewer lows. Only time will tell... that is, if we have time. She talked to me about her boyfriend this last week and I got more insight into how controlling,possessive, and jealous he is. I just can't see things working when she is back in Italy with him. It'll be about as hopeless as me trying to serve Rachael when she was with James.

And I again get unhappy fast. The end of the month approaches again and Domme Rachel just doesn't get things right. She says absolutely nothing during my pre-servitude slave negotiations. She acts like everything I mention is fine but then totally ignores it. She could easily dictate terms of her own then and we could either come to an agreement or else we could decide that we are not right for each other. But she doesn't want to do that. She just wants to agree with everything I say and then ignore it. I wish that I didn't like her. Then I could just go shop for another domme. But I want things to work with her. However, it is not like the case with Kelsey. I'm not in love with her and will not endure long periods of dissatisfaction just to avoid the pain of ending things. If we can't come to an agreement, a real agreement not just her saying, "yeah, yeah, fine" and then doing what ever the hell she feels like, this won't go on much longer. My relationship with her has almost turned into a duplication of what I have with Rachael. I love Rachael and was not looking for a duplicate of her. Domme Rachel was to have a different role.

I'm happy with my girls.

I sent Domme Rachel a TRX suspension trainer. I originally bought one of these things as an easy travel workout solution. It can easily be packed in suit case and set up in a hotel room. But now I find myself using it a lot at home because it is so effective and requires so little setup and pick-up time. I sent Rachael a copy of a little video I made for Domme Rachel on it in case she would like me to send her one also.

Rachael had me laughing for a half hour the other day. I was telling her that a small item I intended to send along with her birthday gift was coming separately. In the middle of chatting with her the profile pic I was looking at changed and there were two people. I thought the girl in the pic with her was Rachel's sister, Katie, but I wasn't sure as I hadn't seen too many pictures of her. I told Rachel not to be too excited about the gift as it was only a few pounds. Then I asked who was in the pic with her. She sent back, "how come?" Now, I thought it was funny that she would ask this. But also I thought she might be saying how come in reference to not getting excited about the package. So I said, "what are you saying how come about?' After she messaged back, "lol, OMG" I went into uncontrollable laughter for the next half hour. I don't know why exactly this was so funny, but I couldn't stop laughing.

I will be leaving for another business trip tomorrow. My financial backer wants me putting his money to work, not just letting it sit idle. I will be gone a few days but back in time for Thanksgiving.

I do get annoyed sometimes with Domme Rachel but as soon as she sends me a video with instructions I totally melt and fall to my knees.

She just let me know in advance that she will be visiting Rome early in December and her internet might be shaky. it is like she is making an excuse in advance for not contacting me. I just asked her to please just send me a little note or two while she is away so that I don't feel abandoned.

The writing is on the wall. It has nothing to do with poor internet service. It has to do with her boyfriend & I again see the reality that it will be over with her when she moves back.

I'm not going to send her messages while she is away because I fear that she will get a push notification, her boyfriend will see, ask questions, and then get abusive with her. I feel like breaking that guy's neck. This is not jealousy as I don't see myself as a romantic interest. It is protectiveness for someone I care about. The stories I've heard about this guy make my blood boil.

I got my video bill from Domme Rachel. OMG, what a Goddess. That long golden hair is like what you'd see on a shampoo commercial.

I chatted with Domme Rachel for a while today but she mentioned nothing of billing. Today is the normal day for her to bill me for my second payment of the month. I wonder if she'll remember.

Happy 'Birthday, Rachael. My little angel is 22 today. I am so glad that she has allowed me to be a part of her life.

I'm feeling good about things right now. I'm about go order Rachael's birthday present.

I am getting more attached to Domme Rachel and grow sad each time I face the reality that it won't last a long time.

I worked a movie scene yesterday as a Christmas shopper just walking about in a shopping mall. We had to be there for 6am, which sucks, but we were done by 1pm, which is cool as we still get paid for 12 hours, which is standard. The pay is low but you get free food and are paid for the full day even if you work only an hour.

Today I'm on the second day of my weekly 60 hour fast. I'm a believer in this now. It is not for weight loss or weight control, although it could be. It is for health and longevity. Calorie restriction has shown to increase the life span of all species of animals tested. And intermittent fasting has been shown to have the same benefits as calorie restriction. It is not the total cutting of calories that provides the benefits. It is depriving cells of nourishment for an extended period is what causes the beneficial changes. The idea is something like this: if you spent your life in a hospital bed and had all your meals and other needs brought to you your body would deteriorate and become very weak. The same is true of the cells in your body when you always give them full nourishment. But when you deprive them for extended periods they are forced to make adaptations, including valuable hormonal changes and the increased ability of your body to use fat storage. As one little example, in the few months I've been doing this I not only have better times in many HIIT workouts but I'm also stronger. I've increased my pull-ups from about 19 reps to 25 reps. Such an increase would not be much for an unfit person who just started working out. But I have been in top shape for a very long time and gains are very slow to come by. Such a sudden improvement for a highly fit person my age is miraculous. In fact, at my age I'm not really even looking for improvement. Each time 6 months go by if I have not slipped any I consider it a major accomplishment. I'm just trying to outrun time and keep age from catching up with me, which is difficult. But intermittent fasting has really helped. I will be 56 in January.

If it is possible to imagine something to worry about I'll be doing it. Of course, Domme Rachel relieved my immediate worry but at the same time let me know that it is hopeless when she goes back to Rome. She hadn't responded to me, not even a quick one liner to say she was busy, for three days because she had a visitor. So I can't imagine she'll have time for me when she is back in Rome with her boyfriend.

Whew, I just heard from Rachel. That's a relief. I hadn't heard from either if them in a few days and I worried that they had made a joint decision not to contact me again.

Something extremely strange is going on with the girls.

My addiction is not for Kelsey any more. It is just a sadness about how things ended. But I am very much addicted to my girls as I can see right now. I haven't heard from either of them in three days and I'm feeling the withdrawal symptoms. They will be my focus. I will work on paying down old debts, keeping my girls happy, and taking care of my mother. My mother only needs my physical help, not financial. She has her own money.

A big step, at least for me: I have replaced my desktop background with a nice picture of my two lovely mistresses.

Things will be okay. I felt the same way when Rachael didn't speak with me for nearly a year. I was not at peace until things were okay with her again. I have to accept that this is not going to happen with Kelsey. I just have to make peace with myself somehow. Unfinished business, words that were never said, will remain unfinished and unsaid. It is sad.

But I love Rachael and I should allow myself to feel more for Rachel. I have resisted thinking that the turn on I get from her dominating me would be enough. But loving and embracing the two of them could help fill that hole that I still feel.

What is it going to take for me to just fucking forget about Kelsey? Nothing she says, does, or doesn't do should matter to me. I don't know why I can't shake this. I have a perfect situation right now. These girls make me happy. Kelsey made me miserable. I should be way over this by now.

I guess I just want to hear her say something like, "I don't hate you, David. I treated you badly and I'm sorry. I wish you the best with your new mistresses."

But that is never going to happen. She wouldn't say it even if she felt it, which she doesn't. It should not still hurt but it does. It is going on 9 months.

Kelsey has again deleted her Amazon list after I sent a couple of items. That's okay. She can live her life as a hater. It is her burden to carry, not mine.

Something rare in my life: I'm serving happily and not involved with a drug addict, an alcoholic, or someone who is seriously depressed or otherwise mentally ill. That may not seem so odd but it is odd for me. I don't know whether I'm attracted to toubled people or I attract them. But it has been the story of my life. I am happy to be having a relaxing vacation serving some beautiful, well adjusted women who are both doing well in school and have bright looking futures.

I'm getting a video with instructions from my mistress in a couple of days!!! I can't wait. I serve two beautiful women with beautiful accents.

Not much money in being a background extra, but I've gotten to work with some big names. I've done scenes with Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt, and lots if others. Today I'm in a scene with Tom Cruise. The scene is in a library. I'm just standing there reading a book a few feet away from him. If I say anything to him I get thrown off the set.

I am really happy with my girls. Rachael is always a joy. Rachel and I have little squabbles but then we come out better than before. I still worry about when she goes back to Rome. Her boyfriend might have a problem with this or she may just not have time for me. I will worry about texting her while she might be sitting with him. What if he gets mad and hits her. What I've heard about this guy I don't like. But I like her very much.

A new month: Domme Rachel and I will continue to try to figure each other out.

The weather is miserable but I just got in a very tough HIIT workout on the carport.

Kelsey posted a pic on Facebook of herself with her flatmates. She's gained at least 20 lbs and does not carry the weight well. The person I loved on the inside was gone a long time ago. Now that the outer shell no longer looks the same either I should be immune from her influence.

I guess that Domme Rachel doesn't realize that when she and Rachael say things that are in direct contradiction to each other that I'm going to believe Rachael, with whom I have nearly a four year history.

My little angel has such exquisite bone structure, a truly beautiful face.

Okay, this is a fun movie shoot today. I'm eating lunch at this sidewalk cafe with this young woman who is supposed to be my college age daughter. She is telling me her allowance isn't big enough and I have to give her some money. It is like I'm getting to act out a fantasy.

I didn't expect acknowledgement from Kelsey for the gifts I sent and I got none. So why do I plan to send her gifts in December for her birthday and Christmas? It is for me, not for her. I would feel very bad if I didn't and I don't wish to feel bad during the holiday season. Just because people hate me that doesn't mean I have to hate them back. Going into the new year no more gifts will be thrown over the brick wall.

Domme Rachel just knows how to figure out what a man's hot buttons are and push them. She is pushing mine pretty hard. I'm imagining her wearing that black corset I just bought her and holding a whip.

I sent all the girls the rest if their October money and some gifts. All the gifts have now been delivered. Domme Rachel got a corset. I sent Rachael a law book and some kind of vegetable slicer she had on her wish list. And, surprisingly, Kelsey's wish list re-appeared. I used to have several different online diaries that I kept in different places. Now I have just two. I think that Rachael is the only one I've served that knows about this one. But there is another in that Kelsey is aware of and may sometimes read. about 4 or 5 months ago I posted to it, "if you don't hate me put your Amazon list back up". Nothing happened, until a couple of weeks ago. It reappeared. I think I am stronger now and she could not take me away from the girls I now serve. But I sent her a teddy bear with a little note. I said I was very hurt by what she said to me but that I carried no resentment and I hoped she was doing well. And I told her I was happy with my current situation. I did not expect any acknowledgement, it is not her way, and I got none. After her birthday Dec 7 and Christmas I will likely not write her again if she doesn't respond but I will be at peace. I have forgiven her and I've forgiven myself. I even think she has forgiven me but words don't come easy to her, unless they are words of anger.

and today is a good day for some wishlist shopping.

Okay, I installed Snapchat because Domme Rachel uses it but its popularity totally escapes me. What a totally non-original and inferior app ! It does absolutely nothing that you can't do with KIK, Instagram, Vine, or Skype. Yet the content disappears after you view it once and you have to pay to see it a second time.

On the rare occasion that I am lucky enough to get a short video from her or Rachael I watch it over and over, 50 to 100 times. That's why I hate Snapchat. I wanted her to use Instagram, which is far superior, but she doesn't have it installed and says she is pressed for memory on her phone. Well, she sends me video bills for payments. I asked her to please not use Snapchat for that. Send them using YouTube, Google Plus, Vine, Instagram, KIK, or Skype. I use all of those and they are all better.

I really wish they'd use Vine, where you get that continuous loop. Then I could just poor a glass of wine, sit back, and watch my girls talk to me for an hour.

I like Domme Rachel so much that I'm now worried about what will happen when she moves back to Rome and is again with her crazy boyfriend. He may not like this, or he may get involved. If either of those things happen it is over. Plus, I heard of him possibly being abusive to her in the past. But I didn't know her then. If some guy hurts someone that I care about I could really fly off the handle. I should put this out of my head and just enjoy the now. She will be in Scotland for a while but she does plan to return to Rome.

Rachael was in a not so great romantic situation but she didn't talk to me about it until it was over, and that is probably for the best. I would have ended up saying or doing something that would have likely meant the end for me and Rachael.

When I check to see who is viewing me I keep seeing a straight male submissive and this puzzles me. A dominant male, yes. A gay or bisexual male, yes. But a straight male submissive? Why would this same person be constantly looking in? I can think of two reasons: it is someone who knows me but has set up a fake identity to view me with my knowing. OR, he is envious of what I have with my mistresses. If it is the latter, just drop me a note and I will ask them if they want to take on an additional slave.

The girls are pleased with me :)

I am addicted out of this world. I have to go make a deposit so that I can send the girls some money tomorrow. I told Amy I can't serve her but that she'd still be getting another £100 from me. I did the same thing with Marta after our brief little thing ended. I just feel bad when I start to get involved with someone, I lead them to think that I'm ready to serve them, and then I call it off. I feel I still owe them a little more, just to show that I'm a decent guy.

I do this again and again because the second I think I'm without a mistress I panic. I'll always have Rachael but she made it clear some time back that there were aspects of my needs that she would not be able to fill. This is why I have to serve two women. They fill different needs. In all likelihood Amy would not have been able to function in this capacity anyway. But I wanted to give her a chance and should I ever be without a domme again I will. She may have thought that we would just have friendly chat and that I'd send money. No, that is a status that nobody except Rachael will ever have because I have a different type of love for her. The other woman I serve has to be able to supply what I don't get from Rachael. And, again, Rachael and Rachel are two different women.

I want to please my girls. I could be really happy in my current situation. I think the cool thing about helping with homework is that it saves my mistress time & justifies the time she spends with me. I will talk very briefly about having a small waist line. I keep getting asked, most recently by Domme Rachel. Just a couple of things: exercises to develop and tone your mid section are good but they do not give you a small waist line. You get this from fast full body movement. Sprinting, not just jogging. Burpees, dancing with high kicks, high intensity interval training into a full body sweat. A low sugar diet with lots of coffee, tea, and vinegar. Eat small amounts frequently rather than stuffing yourself with big meals. Big meals stretch your stomach. I'm not even talking about fat. I'm talking about your actual stomach size. To hold lots of food it has to be big. And when you consistently put only smaller amounts of food in your stomach the lining will shrink. Your waist will be smaller and you will get full faster.

Slave David is suddenly happy and at peace. My little angel (Rachael) is always there but I also need attention from the woman who is dominating me (Domme Rachel). I need to know that I'm pleasing her. And I need to feel that she does not despise working with me. A few days ago I was very unhappy. Maybe she didn't understand my needs. I don't know exactly what it was. But she did not think that communicating with me was a priority. Now she may understand that without her contact I will be depressed and completely shut down. Whether she cares about me or if she just recognizes that giving me the proper attention is necessary to keep me productive as a slave is not that important. As long as she involves me in her life and makes me feel like I'm serving her I will be happy.

I sometimes described my experience with Kelsey as serving a brick wall that had a small slot in it. I would go up to the slot and drop in money. There may have been a small window in the wall with a drawn curtain. Every once in a while the curtains would part for a brief second as she looked out and waved. But that was about it. There was no real communication and I was not involved in her life in any way. I couldn't leave because I was in love with the girl behind the wall and was in fear of the months of heart break I would have to suffer if I ended things.

That's also what I was beginning to experience with Domme Rachael the last three weeks. The big difference is that I am not in love with her (yet?). I was ready to leave her. To my great surprise she put up a fight to keep me. And now we are chatting away and she has even given me some research to do to help her with some university work. I am happy and feel like I am being used properly. She may end up capturing my heart after all. It is not really what I'm looking for. But over last night and today she has really moved me.

Quick edit: I just got a note from her. She is pleased with my research work and one of the articles I provided for her should be particularly helpful in a presentation she has to give :) For any of you out there who are real slaves and not just into bdsm games, you know how good this feels. I'm not primarily a homework slave but I will certainly do it if that's what my mistress wants. It pleases me very much to be helpful. Right now I'm pleased as punch.

Life being short, what I probably should do is simply accept that at some point in the future my feelings will be very badly hurt but until then just play the game and enjoy it.

Domme Rachel, after having it out with her the last two days, is all I can think about. Friday I wrote to tell her it was over and now she already has me wrapped around her finger again. It is almost unfair for a woman to be able to have that much power. And even though I know what she is telling me has to be a load of bullshit, this somehow does not make me immune to its effect. I want her. i want to kiss her feet and give her money and gifts. I want to struggle and suffer to please her. I want to gaze upon her beauty and hear her giving me orders. This is totally insane. Two days ago I wanted to be rid of her.

Amy is not mad and that is a big relief. She told me to just sort things out with the girl I had been serving. Amy did have her chance to own me years ago but then suddenly told me not to send any more money. This was probably because Rachael and I were on very bad terms at that time and they were best friends. So she probably worried that Rachael would see any involvement with me as a betrayal, and I can understand that perfectly.

Domme Rachel and I have exchanged several messages this morning. This girl is obviously an expert manipulator of men.

I hope Amy doesn't get upset with me. I told her things with my current domme might be coming to an end. I didn't make any promises to her but I sent her two payments this month, the same as Rachael. This was the money that was suppose to go to Domme Rachel but she never billed like she was supposed to. I'm not sure how things long it will take to get back with Domme Rachel but we will have to be very clear on all our expectations. I'm not just going to start send on money and hope things work out. I need to know that she is going to give me attention, the right kind of attention. I want her to be on my case pushing me to be more productive and making sure I don't waste her money. I want an active domme and that's what I thought she would be when I went into it with her.

I like this girl and don't want to end it. I know I'm probably making a mistake. But we have to take a step back and re-establish the ground rules. I can't give her the two October payments that she would be due. I already have that money to Amy.

I thought that I would be really excited today about talking to Amy. And I do plan to discuss things with her. But I didn't expect to be so upset about ending things with Domme Rachel. But I am. I feel sick about it. I wanted so bad for things to work. But the best I could really hope from her is that she would realize that the money was about to stop so she would start to fake it. And do I really want that? No. She made it obvious that she did not look forward to having fun with her slave with any type of domination games or clever dialogue. It would have been so easy for her if she wanted to. But except for the money it was all a total bore to her.

Now, Amy and I are not new to each other. I can be perfectly upfront with her from the start. I can just say, hey, if this doesn't sound like something you'd like we can still be friendly on social media and I'll occasionally send gifts. It is very possible that she will have no interest. But I think that she should have the right to make that decision rather than me or Rachael just assuming that she would not be right. As it is, I often worry that she might think that I don't like her since I served lots of others in the Glasgow area but never her.

I wrote Domme Rachel to tell her I was moving on. We are now having a little discussion, more than we have had in the last three weeks. But even if everything she tells me is true it simply emphasizes the total lack of importance I and my servitude have in her life. You make time for things that are important. And I require rather little time. The primary way that we have communicated is via Twitter DM. She said she had to delete Twitter on her phone for memory purposes yet she didn't bother to tell me. And she says she only uses the computer when she goes to the library on Fridays. She didn't tell me that either. In short, she did nothing to make sure that we could have regular ongoing communication.

I did not make any promise to Amy but I sent her a little money, I told her it would please me to send her more soon, and I told her that I was in a situation that may soon be coming to an end. I told her that if it does end that I would like to discuss with her the possibility of her taking on the role of a domme. I didn't tell her who it was but I did tell her I was not talking about Rachael, with whom she has been close friends since high school.

I feel bad for Rachel right now because I am a nice guy and I hate to hurt or disappoint people. But I have been in a depressed mood for weeks because I'm serving a mistress that hates dealing with me. She is probably having a hard time thinking up a response to send me because if she attacks me in any way it only confirms what I said; that this is not that important to her and that dealing with me is a terrible chore.

I am getting exited again. I have no idea if Amy will even be interested in dominating me. I know she likes having money sent to her. But whether she wants to be the slave driver who is cracking the whip and ordering me to send payments via video message is a different matter entirely. But I'm anxious to discuss it with her. This has totally lifted me from the sad mood I was in over Domme Rachel abandoning me.

Okay, I sent Rachael's friend, Amy, £50 out of the blue without comment or the promise of anything in the future. She does not take this as any sign of commitment as I've sent her money and gifts occasionally over the last 4 years while I was serving others. But when she sent me a DM thanking me I had to bite my tongue. I really feel like talking to her about servitude. I told Rachael about it and she is thinking it over. Rachael may not be dominating me but she is the one I love and I'm not going to do anything without her approval.

I have different types of fantasies for different types of women. The type of fantasies I would have about being dominated by Amy are completely different from those I would have about Domme Rachel. My test is rather simple to see if anything is possible. I create a few fantasies and run them through my head and see if I get a hard on. If I do then we have something to work with. If my dick doesn't twinge then I know it is not going to work. Amy is very smart and well read. She flew though uni and has a law degree before making 22. I can easily see her as a superior woman who commands respect. Yes, the thought of such a woman bossing me around does give me a hard on. With Domme Rachel the fantasy was more of serving an entitled bratty princess, which also worked given how beautiful she is. With Marta I fantasized about her being like a guard in a prison camp that liked to whip and abuse the prisoners. This was also exciting.

With Rachael and Kelsey, both of whom I loved, I had more innocent fantasies... like taking them to the zoo and buying them an ice cream cone. They won a different part of my heart. Rachael is still the angel I fell in love with. But the Kelsey I loved existed for only the first three or four months that I knew her. Then I spent the next few years kidding myself that it would some day be that way again, but it never was.

On Thursday evening the sign that says that I serve Rachael and Rachel is coming down if I haven't heard from her. This is bullshit. If a woman wants to get rid of me then ignoring me is the best way to do it.

Domme Rachel missed the first billing date, the 5th. I sent Rachael her half. Today I sent Amy the portion that would have gone to Domme Rachel. Tomorrow is the 15th, the date I told Domme Rachel that I'd be ready for the second billing. If she misses this one I will again send Rachael her half and send Rachel's to either Amy or Marta. I'm pretty sure I'll be serving one of them. I like them both.

I do miss bdsm and physical domination but I just can't get involved with someone real time... at least not while I'm still caring for my 81 year old mother. Perhaps one day.

Rachael removed her pic from her profile here but she is really cute.

I don't believe in switches. I think female switches are really submissives but are just throwing out a bigger net so as to have more potential partners. My real time mistress of 20 years was supposedly a switch. She was married and was submissive to her husband. She was the dominant in our relationship but I could tell that she really wanted me to dominate her. It lasted 20 years only because we ere also best friends and the kink was secondary. I wasn't fulfilled Despite the fact that she's married she still got upset when she found out that I was fooling around online. We now haven't spoken in over two years.

When it is officially ended with Domme Rachel I will have a new profile pic. I want nothing other than what was in the slave contract, which she may not have even read. Other than that she can call the shots. But there are really no shots for her to call because she seems to have no interest other than the money. She doesn't care what I'm doing and doesn't care for me to know what she is doing. We are totally disconnected. It just isn't official yet because I'm an extremely patient person.

I must like her more than I'm admitting to myself because I am getting upset and have an unexplained reluctance to seek someone else. I have a few former mistresses that I like who would take me back in an instant.

I"m pretty sure I've been abandoned. I still have my little angel but I think I no longer have a dominatrix. I'm just playing the waiting game. On the 8th she asked me in a DM when I'd be ready for my first payment and I just replied that all such information for October and November was in the video message and I again sent her the link. That's the last time I heard from her.

If it ultimately fails with her I think I'm giving Marta another chance. She wrote me a friendly letter recently. This is something I rarely get from an ex-mistress.

I was also thinking about Rachael's other friend, Amy, who is very familiar with me. But I have a couple of small issues with her. She is polite with me but not conversational. She never replies to my tweets and only gives a short polite answer when I say something to her. Also, I believe that her boyfriend logs in to her social media and email accounts and reads messages. Once I had written to Amy and I got a one word reply that said, "arsehole". She later told me that it was Mark who had sent that message. I could not feel comfortable talking to her knowing that he was reading everything I wrote. Plus he is a friend of this other guy, James, who Rachael was involved with and who I had quite a few words with. I would be the dinner table joke. But Amy and I follow each other on Twitter and I send her gifts a few times a year. She is a very intelligent and well organized person and I like her.

Okay, the 10th came and I sent something to Rachael. I did not get the bill from Domme Rachel. Rachael said that she'd let her know but I asked her not to. I have to find out if her buddy, Rachel, is really into this at all. She seemed like it at first but I don't know. If she is just a puppet with Rachael pulling the strings that's no good. She either doesn't like me or is just not into the fetish, or perhaps both. But she is doing a good job at making me feel like a pest that she can't be bothered with. Luckily I have not formed any emotional bond with this girl. I like her and find her attractive but there will be no pain in ending it. I do get excited any time I get a little note from her because I think things are about to take a turn for the better.

I just checked YouTube analytics and as of October 8 nobody from the UK had viewed the video that I sent them a link to that outlined financial expectation for the next couple of months and a proposed billing schedule. There is a two day lag so I can only see views up to a couple of days ago, not current day or yesterday. The one I sent at the end of September had two views so I think they both watched it. Although Rachel was still unable to quote the figure I mentioned so I can't really be sure how much attention she paid.

She said very early on that she would reinstall Instagram on her phone but she never did. So she doesn't post there, she doesn't post to Twitter, I can't get any kind of dialogue going with her because there are several days lag time before she responds to any of my messages. She doesn't send me pics or videos or give me assignments. She is just not any fun at all.

Her good looks will only get her so far. Very good looking women like her will have lots of doors opened up for them that would be rather difficult for others. But once in she still has to prove herself.

I broke a rule to myself and voiced my dissatisfaction with Rachel to Rachael. I won't do that again. If Domme Rachel does not bill me by the 10th then I'll just send something to Rachael. And if she bills me according to the old schedule, meaning that she did not look at the new info I sent her, then I'll just remit according to the old schedule. And once I clear up some other things that are going on in my life I will find another domme if things have not changed. She does not seem to be having fun with this. It seems to be a chore. And I am simply not going to serve someone for whom I am a chore.

I do see an advantage to posting private video messages to my YouTube account. It does not tell me who viewed it but it tells me how many views came from a given country, the date of viewing, and the number of minutes watched. The one I sent about expectations for the next couple of months has not been viewed in the UK. So, Domme Rachel has to be in the dark about October and November. The tough thing for me to figure out is what to do for Rachael when Rachel doesn't do her job. I am not getting any type of regular communication from her. She does not send me any notes telling me to work hard or to keep my spending to a minimum. She asked for a list of all my fetishes at the start but has not tried to use any of the knowledge she gained to push any of my buttons. And she takes several says to reply, if she replies at all, to any communication that I send to her. If she thinks this will run on auto-pilot she's wrong. It will require some effort.

The options are just so few if she doesn't work out. If I don't serve one of Rachael's friends I won't be happy because Rachael likely won't be getting a big enough share. That was really my main problem with Annabell. She was hitting me hard and getting like 80% of what I had to offer, leaving only a little bit left for Rachael. If Domme Rachel has insufficient time, interest, or energy for this then I might give Marta another chance. And Rachael has another friend also that we haven't really talked about who might work.

But I really want Domme Rachel to work out because when she actually does put her mind to it she is really good and a big turn on. But it is just so infrequent. She posts nothing to Instagram or Twitter, she doesn't send me pictures, and she has only sent video messages where they are spelled out in the contract... and obviously does not enjoy because they are always either late or require complaint from me. The last few days I found myself browsing other sites. I didn't spend any money but I should not have to do this for arousal. I should be looking at pics and videos of my domme and reading her messages to me to satisfy my fetish. I feel like a married guy who is looking at porn on the computer while his wife is asleep, rather than getting fulfillment from his partner.

When I have information that could be profitable to the girls, such as when I can be billed and how much money I expect to have, I will make the information available. But while I reminded Domme Rachel again and again the first month, I'm not going to continue to do it. If she misses it she misses it. And I'm not going to keep reminding Rachael to remind Rachel. I really don't think that Domme Rachel paid any attention or even looked at information I gave her several days ago. But we'll see this week. She should be getting back from her Roman Holiday. And I hope she'll let me know if the lingerie that I ordered her arrived.

I found Rachael's old Tumbler today and enjoyed reading it, going back to before she made 17. It was so much better than Twitter. People actually wrote in complete sentences and paragraphs and fully expressed thoughts. While on Twitter it is just quick blurbs because of the tight character limit. It is more a texting mentality than a letter writing mentality, thus the young people develop no writing skills. But I enjoyed seeing a younger version of Rachael more fully expound on some of her feelings.

The Saints just won their first game. They got touchdowns on two of their last three possessions, the last being in overtime. It is hard for me to get excited about the season. But the end of that game was exciting. It shouldn't have been. We could have won the game with a 30 yard field goal that bounced off the upright.

Three days of TV/movie extra work booked for the first half of the month and already funded for other work this could be a half decent month. I'm working as a cop today on that new Fox TV show that seems to be written for 14 year old girls. I tried to watch the first couple of episodes but couldn't get beyond 10 minutes before changing the channels. The weather is cooler and I should be running more. Maybe I'll run the 5k and 10k races that I skipped last year. If I can cut 20 seconds per mile in the next five weeks I'll do it. I don't think it is fun if I don't have a goal, such as a personal best for that distance. So if I think I have no chance of doing it I don't run.

okay, this is the weekend that Rachel is going to Rome. I thought it was last week. There is a chance that the lingerie I bought her got delivered in time but she didn't tell me. I only heard from her once during the week and she said she had been working a busy schedule. I sent her a billing schedule for the next two months but I don't know if she watched the vid. It should be decent for Oct and Nov even if not as good as September... but it could be.

Rachael is back home and just sent me a little note. I feel better already. I had a really good month if service in September and it will be hard to match it in October, but I'll try. Domme Rachel actually expects it and I just live making Rachael happy. She was such a mess when I first met her and it is a joy serving her now that she is in so much a better state.

The girls have only been gone a few days but I sure do miss them. I hope they're having a good time on their trips. I'm starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms I get from a few days with no contact.

I feel so comfortable right now with our little threesome that I find myself making short, medium, and long terms plans. Each time I eliminate more debt I'll be able to increase my tribute schedule. Domme Rachel is a very good slave user and I look forward to her using me more. Rachael made a good selection and should be pleased with the rate at which her friend is extracting from me, as they are splitting 50:50. I want to please my mistresses.

I just made a video presentation for them going over my expectations for the next couple of months. When I'm not upset or depressed about something, which is often, I'm having a really good time. A happy slave is a productive slave. And it really doesn't take much to make me happy. Use me and abuse me but just don't ignore me. I need the attention and approval of the women I serve.

I have serviced my mistresses. They are pleased with me. They are both traveling this weekend: Rachael to Ireland, Rachel to Rome. And I have served to make their trips a little better. This gives me great satisfaction.

Slave David is happy again. I am such a push-over. Domme Rachel sent me a video this morning and I am again ready to kiss her feet and empty my wallet. She looked beautiful and I love the Scottish accent. Although when they talk fast my American ears have a little trouble following. But she spoke slowly and clearly and we are okay now.

Why did she do it? Why did she ruin this month for me? I just don't understand. Everything was going so well. I was riding a high, the girls had gotten lots of money and gifts. This just doesn't make sense. She has a chance to make this right. She better take it. Thank God I still have Rachael.

Domme Rachel and I did exchange some emails this afternoon that were very difficult for me. I don't know if she appreciates how difficult it is for me to discuss any type of dissatisfaction without feeling disrespectful as a slave. This is why getting the slave agreement clearly decided upon prior to the start of my servitude is so important to me. And when the domme pays little or no real attention to it or perhaps only skims over it like, "yean, yeah, a slave agreement, okay... fine", then there are bound to be very serious problems. We can't discuss things like a married couple who are equals. My options are to remain in an unhappy situation or leave. This time we discussed things but it will be the last. If we negotiate as equals then I no longer feel inferior and it totally destroys my slave experience.

I am just so disappointed about today. This is THE day, THE event that I eagerly look forward to the entire month and it seems that I'm always in store for a big let down. I REALLY thought everyone was on the same page on with this. Why is this sooooo difficult? I just don't understand. Do I really have to go to a cam site and go live with one of the resident dommes to get my fetish satisfied? I hate doing that but am not above doing it as a last resort.

I sent Domme Rachel an email telling her that we may need to wait for Rachael's return from her trip so that she can arbitrate as we again go over the slave agreement. This totally ruins my slave fantasy. But I am going to have no choice but to suspend things with Domme Rachel until we get things straight. And after that point, if we do reach that point, I don't want this ever discussed again. I just want to obey her wishes while she operates within the agreed upon parameters and maintains a few procedures that are important to me. This is about 90% her commands and 10% my needs. But my 10% is every bit as important as her 90%.

I just got a one line Twitter DM from Domme Rachel that she wants the rest of what I have for her right now. I am not even going to respond. Yes, I do get impressed too easily. This was discussed in the pre service agreement. The actual money demands come by way of video instructions and I told her this should include both my name and the precise amount to send. She is now the domme and we are not in negotiations any longer so I don't feel comfortable telling her what the rules are. She is supposed to be in charge and call the shots, but do so in a manner consistent with our original contract.

I will simply not respond and will wait. I am a submissive and can't be telling her what to do. She will just have to figure it out. I've been looking forward to this all month and have tributed very well. I want very badly for this to work but if she strays from the terms of the slave agreement in the very first month it will only get worse over time.

If she truly doesn't understand then we can start over. We can discuss the slave agreement and Rachael can act as an arbiter. But I don't want to be topping from the bottom, which is what it feels like when she breaks the terms of the agreement and I have to remind her of the rules.

The beginning of the month did not really adhere to procedure but I let it go. Rather than give me the instructions via video she wrote them in an email and just attached a 5 second video that said, "you have your instructions now just do it, and that's just that" or something very much like that.

Will wonders never cease? I just got an email from Linkedin. Domme Rachel wants to add me as a contact. I have served a great many women online but this is an absolute first. Perhaps I'm easily impressed, but this impresses the hell out of me. This girl's stock has just gone up 1000%.

I see that she goes to the same university as Kelsey. I wonder if they know each other. I doubt they would have any classes together. Rachel is in a hotel/tourism business type field. Kelsey is in sciences, majoring in microbiology and immunology. Rachael is studying law but not at the same place.

The reason this impresses me is that I'm often accepted as a slave that one might keep hidden in some dark corner of the internet. But to add me on Linkedin is like accepting me as a real person in her real life among other people she knows. This means a lot to me.

Serving Kelsey was a most degrading experience. I could not talk to her on social media, such as Twitter. If I commented on one of her Tweets she would delete it. She did not follow me on Twitter and did not want me to follow her. She was ashamed and embarrassed to be associated with me in any way. She let me follow her on Instagram but my account had to use a different name that did not include the name "David" and I could not show my face. She wanted nothing visible that could link her to me. And she did not follow me there. As a slave I want to be somewhat humble. But she pushed me down to a non-human status and made me feel like total dirt.

Funny thing is that this is how some subs want to be treated. But this was not even like a domination thing with her. It was just like she thought that everyone saw me as some kind of dirty old pervert and thought that people would think that she was a whore if they knew she was in any way involved with me. While I do understand, it hurt my feelings just the same. And yet I loved her.

The fact is that when a girl's friends find out that she has an online money slave they think it is funny and cool. But I understand this is not something you want to broadcast to the world. I am a closet case myself. I would not ever behave in any way among Rachel's professional contacts that would reveal that we had a mistress/slave relationship or do anything else that might cause embarrassment.

Domme Rachel just wrote me and said she'd have instructions for me tomorrow ! I'm so excited. She joined Rachael and me at the end of last month. This is her first full month. I can't wait to see how greedy she is.

Waiting to be used and abused, I still have not heard from the extractor.

Earlier in the month I told Domme Rachel, since she is the money extractor, that if she planned to give me an end of month draining that she do it by the 22nd so that Rachael could get some money for her trip. What I do is, what ever amount Domme Rachel tells me to send I split in half and send her and Rachael each an equal share. She got my report yesterday but did not send me the video with my instructions, which is our procedure. Since I was concerned that Rachael would not get her money in time for her trip I went ahead and sent her some anyway. I will tribute Domme Rachel when she sends me the video with her commands. My personal financial domination fetish is not just about sending money but about hearing my mistress order me to do it. Subs are into being dominated just as dommes are into being submitted to. For those dommes who think that the sub should just give freely without her doing anything, well, they may get some small portion of what their sub has to give. But I can promise you that he is going elsewhere to get his fetish satisfied and that other woman is taking a big piece of your money. This is why I wanted to serve a friend of Rachael's and have her get a share. I do tribute Rachael as an act of love. But Domme Rachel will have to satisfy my fetish in order to get money out of me. If she doesn't then she can be replaced easily. But Rachael, my little angel, can never be replaced.

Now, I don't want to ever replace Domme Rachel. She is totally gorgeous and her domination style is a huge turn-on, when she actually sets out to do it.

My end of month report was requested earlier than usual this month because both my mistresses are going on trips and would like some extra money. I have it via video presentation this time. I don't usually do that. Neither has yet commented. I hope they're not disappointed. This has been the biggest contributing month I've has as a slave in a while.

After getting the email from Domme Rachel today I am super excited again. She is going to be selfishly exploiting me next week. This will be great fun. Greedy demanding women are so sexy.

I just got an email from Rachel. She told me about uni, her job, her plans after graduation. So I heard from both my mistresses today and I feel good. It takes so little to comfort me. It also takes little to get me down in the dumps... like a few days without hearing from my girls.

Just got a note from Rachael that she received the shoes I ordered for her :) The day is a little better. Kelsey usually did not even acknowledge the gifts I sent.

I should know better than to make so much out of first impressions. On a positive note, my financial backer has been very pleased with my performance and will probably be hiring me for about 3x as much work than we did over the last year. I won't have to count on this low paying and irregular TV/movie extra work. But since I'll be able to make my own schedule I will still be able to take those jobs also when available.

I think I've done a pretty good job this month. But I haven't heard from either of the girls in a few days. And they're not posting on social media either, at least none that I'm a party to. Rachael is busy with college stuff and Rachel has been working a lot. Next month I might try to see if I can set up some kind of regular chat schedule with Rachel so that I don't start seeking other amusement. I don't want to be a pest. But when I write and don't get replies that's what I feel like.

I often google not only my real name but also the user names I use on various sites just to see what is out there. Yesterday I googled slavedavid01. Lots of stuff came up that is mostly me: various fetish sites, google plus, youtube, here, tumblr, and others. But I was surprised to find a Twitter user @slavedavid01 that is NOT me. I just wanted to mention it. I looked at his profile and thankfully he does not tweet much as I would hate to have someone writing stuff using a name that I have so widely used. So at most other places, if you find a slavedavid01 it is probably me.

These girls are costing me a fortune. But they're worth it.

I had been discouraged by my run times lately thinking my running conditioning had taken a slide. I now think it was just the heat as I had been running in near 90 degrees. This morning was 74 degrees and I did my fastest 4 miles in a while. This has inspired me to possibly get ready for the CCC 5k run in November that I skipped last year. I have several weeks to try to shave off another 15 or 20 seconds per mile. If I can do the 5k in under 22 minutes I might also do the 10k which is a few months later. I've been on the osteo biflex and my knees are not giving me any problems.

My girls are pleased with me and that makes me happy. I want to please them more. I need to keep my expenses as low as possible to enable me to give them greater pleasure. I want my little angel to enjoy herself in Ireland. And I want Rachel to get so accustomed to taking my money that she would never seriously consider abandoning me. I don't want to be going to strange nameless women on fetish sites to get dominated. I want to be hugged and cuddled by Rachael and beaten & dominated by Rachel while I shower them both with money and gifts.

Time to order some presents for my lovely ladies. Rachel still doesn't have her Amazon list up but she sent me a link to some sexy lingerie that she wants me to order. I immediately imagined her wearing it while giving me orders. If I weren't in great shape she'd give me a heart attack. Her looks and attitude are such a turn on.

Almost time for Federer vs Djokovic in the men's US Open final. GO ROGER !!! I'm watching this instead of the Saints game as their pre-season left me disgusted.

Oh God, all I want to so is serve my mistresses. Why does anything else in life have to exist to get in the way? Being a slave is my purpose and my destiny.

It is a new day but I'm still thinking about yesterday. That was so fantastic. Rachel told me that she intended to take the money I was expecting in the mail. That is so fucking hot. I got as hard as a 17 years old who just saw a girl in a short skirt. After I sent her a payment she sent me a note asking if I'd paid Rachael. I'm glad she is thinking about that. For the short period I was involved with Annabell I experienced extreme domination and it was also a big turn on. But it was making me unhappy because I felt Rachael wasn't getting enough. And Rachael gives me lots of attention. I like the situation now.

And anyone with negative comments about financial domination, I don't wish to hear them. We are not hurting anyone else and we are making each other happy. That's really all that counts in relationships of any kind.

I got used very well today. I hope the girls are having a nice Saturday out night on me. I'll be at home watching TV but very content that I have pleased my mistresses. I think I deserve a glass of wine.

Rachael sent me a new picture of that big beautiful heart shaped face. And Rachel was her usual greedy demanding self. I'm liking this. I'm liking this a lot.

I think my two mistresses have it worked out. When Rachel orders me to send some money I simply divide that by two and send her and Rachael half each. Domme Rachel wanted me to send it all to her and I would have kept doing it that way except that she was not sending Rachael her cut in a timely manner. So I am a real slave now, not just a pretend bdsm slave. I work and my owners enjoy the fruits of my labor. But I'm still into bdsm also. I will just have to let that lay dormant. From her attitude, I'm sure Rachel would be glad to kick my ass if we were on the same side of the ocean. But I really feel quite fulfilled at the moment with the type of domination I'm getting from a distance.

I am so happy right now with my two girls. I am returning from a business trip today. Rachael's friend, Rachel, who I'm now serving also messages me several times during the trip to pressure me into being a more productive slave. She is very good looking, very greedy, and very bossy... exactly what I was looking for. I am a true believer in female superiority. I believe that the purpose of men on this planet is to serve women. And I have two beautiful women that are having fun using me for the purpose for which I am intended. It seems that something always eventually comes along that ruins a perfect situation. But I'm going to enjoy this one for as long as it lasts, which I hope is a long time.

I've been watching the US Open Tennis tournament. Ohhh, Serina Williams !! I am attracted to many different types of female bodies. While I am not normally attracted to huge muscular women, Serina is an exception. I have different types of fantasies to go with different body types. With Serina, I definitely fantasize about physical domination. I think about her using those muscles on me... squeezing my head between those powerful thighs.

Rachael gives me a warm happy feeling. The new semester is starting tomorrow. She is excited and I'm excited for her. I'm leaving on a five day business trip tomorrow. I hope things go well so I can buy some nice presents for my ladies. I have my fingers crossed that Rachel works out. She has this erratic boyfriend who is a wild card in the situation. I did some snooping on Facebook. Rachel's previous boyfriend must not be over her. His profile pic still shows the two of them together.

Rachel hardly ever answers my Twitter DMs or emails. I understand she moving right now and is busy. But she doesn't even shoot me back a quick one liner or anything. We'll see how it goes after she gets settled back in Scotland and if she turns out to be aloof like Marcia was. She may be able to handle Slave David but she may not be able to handle Baby David... the big baby that cries if he doesn't get enough attention, lol. That's what Rachael is good at.

Rachel is on her way from Rome back to Scotland. I will be happy that my two mistresses are in the same area. And I hope that Rachel understands that this is a package deal. Without Rachael there is no Rachel. There must be cooperation between the two of them. Rachel is gorgeous, sexy, and dominant. But her major appeal is that she is Rachael's buddy.

Serving two close friends just inspires all these fantastic fantasies... like living in a castle where the two of them jointly rule and I am one of the slaves. I like to think that I would be the head slave that reports directly to them. Rachel would be the strict one and would take a whip to me if anything in the castle displeased her.

Now I have learned the problem. The money extractor is not so quick at dispersing the proceeds.

I've been doing lots of journal entries lately because my emotions have been all over the place recently and just writing down my thoughts and feelings is almost like talking to someone. I had a nice chat with Rachael and shared something very significant, something very painful, from my past. It makes my eyes water to think about it but at the same time having shared it with her comforts me. I guess it is for the best that she is not dominating me. That isn't what I want from her. I want her warm heart and her fun personality. Her friend, Rachel, can take care of my other needs. It was unrealistic for me to imagine getting all my needs met by one woman.

Oh...my...God, Rachel is so fucking hot in both her looks and the delivery of her message. I may actually have someone here who is pretty like Rachael and Kelsey but dominant like Annabell. This could be it.

I am going to have to look for some additional work. It is not only the fact that I'm sure she will want more money, but waiting all the way until the end of the month to feel this kind of domination will drive me crazy. I need to figure out a way to be able to afford weekly payments or something. This big span between the early and late month attacks on my bank account are unbearable. The amount of money is a factor, but the frequency also counts for something.

Oh, quick edit: I just chatted with Rachael. She is still my little angel :) I am sooo happy right now. I will serve my girls to the best of my ability.

Today was the first time I felt somewhat secure about my new role with two mistresses. So today I have updated my profile pic to reflect that. The chains are back on since I again feel like a slave. Rachel is behaving like a slave owner and treating me like property. I like it. So my profile pic now reflects that I serve both Rachael and Rachel. I am happy to have a domme. I hope that my little angel has not flown away.

I am excited again. I know things are okay with at least one of my two mistresses. I hope they have things straight between themselves on how to chop the spoils. As long as Rachael and I are buddies I expect her to get a cut and will let Rachel know that. If Rachael is done with me then there is no reason they should share, but that is again their business. I sent Rachael a video message on Instagram five days ago that she did not view. Since it now no longer had any relevance I deleted it this morning. This is another indication that she is withdrawing from me. I don't know where things stand. I don't know whether she brought Rachel in because she didn't want to dominate me or because she had simply grown tired and bored of dealing with me. I have no idea where things stand. She told me yesterday her hamster died. When we were closer there is no way that I would not have even known that she had gotten another hamster. She no longer shares her life with me. I feel like I'm on the other side of the brick wall, just like I was with Kelsey. But I still love her. I still love them both.

Rachel wrote me this morning!!! It isn't over. I was already very down again and now I am high as a kite. These girls have total control of my emotions. I hope they will not use that control cruely. There are much more exciting ways to be cruel than messing with someone's feelings.

I'm home now. I wasn't going to write to Rachel again but I went ahead and sent her a note saying that the payment was ready to send upon receipt of the bill. I did this because I want so badly for this to work. I don't want to go mistress shopping. I want to serve these two girls with Rachel doing the dominating. But I have to make sure she is into dominating and not just into being submitted to.

I really like this girl and if we could get a few things straight this could go on for years. There are a few little things I want and beyond that it is what ever she wants. The things I want probably require less than a couple of hours per month and the ability to keep promises.

We all speak English, but it like we speak different languages. There is no real communication or meeting of the minds.

Rachel sent me on message today, a Twitter DM, that said, "I will keep you posted today."

What does that mean? Posted about what? And what ever it was, why didn't she? She asked me twice over the last few days if I would have her payment on Wednesday. Each time I said, yes, I'll send it as soon as I get your video bill. I thought she was just as anxious to get it as I was to get the payment demand. Apparently not. We just don't speak the same language.

It is past 10 p.m. over there. Forget it, David. It ain't happening.

It is Wednesday morning and I'm at the airport to work for this scene. I thought it was a commercial but it is a new show. I'm just a passenger walking about with a suit case.

I have not yet gotten my video bill from Rachel. I have the feeling that she doesn't fully understand that she is billing me. She may think that I am paying her to do something, or buying a video from her. This is not a buyer/ seller relationship. I'm not buying anything. I am obeying an order to pay her, an order that is transmitted to me by video message.

Someone not into the fetish would not appreciate the difference. Paying for service rendered is business like, not romantic or erotic. That's why I never participated in pay per view email games or pay by the minute cam sessions. A woman can send me an email me and include in the content an order that I pay her. But I'm not going to buy an email.

Now, I do understand looking for money upfront from new prospective slaves and paypigs. But once a guy has proven himself to be legitimate, and the domme knows he is not just a time waster trying to get free attention by making promises he'll never keep (like most are) things should move to a different level.

Tuesday night, I'm going to bed early because I have an early call time for an airport scene that I'm doing for some commercial. But the big event for me is that Rachel, the domme of the partnership, is going to be sending me a video bill for my first September payment. I hope the girls have it straight now. I specifically said that I did not want to know the details of their arrangement or how the money was being split, etc. Rachel was to be the bossy money extractor and they would share the money. But Rachael went and told me anyway that they were splitting 50:50. OK, fine, I didn't want to know but now I do. But then she says for me to send her half and Rachel half. This puzzles me because I don't know what half is until Rachel tells me how much I have to send. So then she says just do what Rachel says for now. So then I talk to Rachel who tells me that they had discussed it and she would receive and then send Rachael her share. That's fine by me, I'm just the slave. So I send Rachel what she instructs me to send from my end of month surplus, assuming she'll send Rachael her cut. Next thing I know Rachael is asking me why I didn't send her half to her and is pissed off at me. This is nuts. Can't they just take my money, split it, & leave me out of it? When I get Rachel's video bill tomorrow I will do what ever she instructs me to do. If she tells me to send them each half, I will. If she just says to send her payment then I'll do that and assume that she is sending Rachael her cut.

Rachel does not have the Instagram app installed on her phone, which is why she hadn't seen the private vid message that I'd copies to her and Rachael a couple of days ago. I told her she didn't need to bother installing it because I see that I can just share it with my YouTube channel when I make it and give her a link via Twitter DM. It is important that I give her a video message early so that I can find out if she has any problem dealing with an older guy. She shouldn't, I'm just a slave. We're not dating or having sex. But Kelsey, a mental case, did have a problem with it and refused to watch video messages from me because she wanted to maintain this fantasy that she was being romanced by a young guy. If she watched a video of a guy in his 50s it would gross her out and kill the fantasy.

I think the new bicycle seat is working. It has only been two days but as soon as I got a DM from Rachel on Twitter this morning I got an erection. This is a big relief. I thought I might have permanent damage from so much cycling on a regular seat. Maybe it was selfish of me to spend the money on myself buying this bike seat. But it will help the girls in the long run. You control a man by controlling his dick. So, if his dick is dead you can't control him. Well, I guess you can control a guy if you own his heart. But that is way more difficult to capture. And, even if you do, if you stomp it to death it will not produce the desired effect. This heart had been badly beaten. The fragments that were left after Kelsey are trying to function but it is with great difficulty.

Tuesday morning, Sept 1. I'll try to attack this month with a new attitude. I think I've been given hints for the last two months and I may have to accept something that was two painful for me to face. I've been assigned to Rachel and told to follow her orders. That's what I'll do. I hope it clicks this time. I don't think I misrepresented myself to anyone. I don't hold grudges so I'll always be here.

Wednesday will be a major test. I really want this to work. She was rushed in without the proper negotiations and such but it was understandable. I feel uncomfortable discussing procedure now because I am the slave speaking to my superior. But we'll see if we can get this on the right track.

One small different between girls in their late teens vs those in their early 20s seems to be the amount of time they spend on social media. When they post a lot I can enjoy following their lives without them having to take as much time specifically with me. My two mistresses are both on Twitter and Instagram but neither is very active on either site any more. Rachael was very active in past years. Most of what I see is from many months or years ago. And most of the Facebook content is not set to public. I hate that I have to interrupt them to get my daily dose. I feel like a pest.

Exactly what I'm doing wrong, I don't know.

I got a short note from Rachel this morning, which makes me feel good. I will not feel secure about my place with her until I've served her for two or three months. By then I'll either be addicted to her or bored with her. I'll be able to tell whether this is a chore for her or if she likes the domination game. Right now we are in the feeling out period. It is Monday morning so I again begin my fasting period. This varies from a minimum of 40 hours to a max of 48. If I get up and eat now it'll probably be 48. I eat breakfast Monday and don't eat again until mid morning Wednesday.

Rachel is moving from Rome back to Scotland this week. So my two mistresses will be in the same place. There should be less confusion. They will be able to discuss what strategy would be best to maximize slave production. I'm so excited about being used by these two. They are so pretty and I love their accents. I sent an Instagram video message to the two of them two days ago but it hasn't been viewed. They may have their notifications turned off. This is my alternative to skype because I'm shy and awkward in live real time communication. But I very much enjoy exchanging short video messages. Rachael sent me a short video of her bird :)

I want to please Rachael. I also want to be dominated. Rachael is only dominant towards me when she's pissed off and I don't want to piss her off. That is probably the basic reason we need Rachel. Now, Rachel has just started with us. I want to make sure she is sufficiently impressed with my service that she'll consider it worth while to stay involved.

I'm looking forward to Wednesday. Rachel will video bill me for my early month payment. This is usually done around the 7th but one of my tenants is paying early and the money should be cleared by the 2nd or 3rd. Rachel came at the tail end of August so this will be my first chance to see how she does for the month. Marcia started well then disappeared. Rachael believes that Rachel will do better. I hope so. I need a bossy demanding woman to keep me disciplined, keep me from getting lazy, and to remind me that I shouldn't be doing any frivolous spending with their (Rachael's & Rachel's) money. It takes a smart and creative woman to do this month after month and keep it from becoming stale and uninteresting. Out of cash I am charging small gift items to my credit card from their Amazon lists. I've had Rachael's for a long time. But Rachel sent me a link that doesn't work and has not replied since I told her that I got no where with it. She may be doing something wrong non Amazon.

These two girls, omg

Rachael knows that I love her and that is a very powerful weapon she can use on me. Kelsey had that same weapon. I just can't stand to see her unhappy. I have nothing going for the last few days of August. I want to have a really big September and put a big smile on her face, and Rachel's too.

I have to get another income stream, more part time or full time work if I need to, to make sure I have enough to satisfy two women. Rachael was not satisfied with what I came up with for the end of August so now I feel bad about spending anything on myself. My first job is keeping the girls happy.

Since Rachel left me with an allowance I will now shop their Amazon wish lists That's fun:) I already bought myself something. I'd guilty if I spent any more in myself. That is not what slaves do.

Yes, these are two different women I've been writing about, Rachael & Rachel. "Rachael" is my little angel that I've been involved with for a long time. "Rachel" is her best friend who was brought in to be tough with me and take my money. They should be a good team.

The ice has been broken. Rachel sent me a video. She did not use Instagram, snapchat, YouTube, or any other social media. She just made a little video file and emailed it, which is fine. I sent her my end of month financial report and she have me my orders. She only has me send a third of my surpluss, which was kind if surprising. I expected to be fully drained. So I have a little pocket cash. I guess I'll order that more ergonomic (groin/testicle friendly) bicycle seat. Rachel will make sure that what she collects from me is equitably split between herself and Rachael. Rachel also requested that I send her an email telling her about myself, hobbies, and fetishes. I never even told Rachael about all my fetishes because I knew they would never be part of our relationship and I worried about grossing her out. But Rachel asked me, we don't really know each other so there is nothing to be shocked about, so I actually went into detail for her about my fetishes, past habbits, and current fantasies. I feel my relationship with Rachael, which has been strained, will now improve. She will not feel pressured to do or be anything that does not come natural to her. We can just be friends and have friendly chat. I love her and will feel good knowing that she is getting half of anything Rachel squeezes out of me.

Ok, I think we have it all worked out. Rachel will crack the whip and extract the money from me and will split it with Rachael. That works. I can tell that Rachel is going to be greedy and bossy so I'll always be close to broke but will know that the money I earned has gone to a higher cause... pleasing my mistresses.

Hopefully we will get everything straight. I say something the wrong way and I piss off Rachael. I can't be happy if she is not happy. Hopefully by tomorrow all three of us will be on the same page and will be happy.

Rachel just wrote me back and I am on cloud nine. I am so excited about this. This girl has my knees shaking.

I noticed that I had not had an erection in several days but thought it was because of mood or lack of stimulation. But I looked at some material on the internet that usually arouses me but I remained limp. So I did some research on what causes (other than age) might contribute. Bicycle riding! Just in the last couple of weeks I'd begun doing 12 miles every morning before breakfast. This is a major testicle killer. I discontinued immediately. I'm now researching testical friendly bicycle seats. They do make them. They don't have that nose that goes between your legs and presses on your groin. So I skipped my ride this morning and I already feel some tingling as I browse collarspace. Hopefully this will quickly correct itself.

12 miles cycling and 3 miles running, a good start to the morning. I'm half way through my weekly fast. And now, I am so ready for a hot female to give me some orders. Slave David is ready for duty. But I have to be patient. I'm not going to bother the girls.

Rachael just sent me news that the brother of one of their friends had just died. It is easy to forget that there is an entire world that keeps turning out there regardless of what we are feeling in our personal lives. I will be dealt with in due time.

Don't freak out, David. Maybe this girl is just taking care to get things right on this initial contact. You will soon have a bossy, demanding woman controlling you one way or the other.

hmmm, I hope this girl didn't change her mind about taking me as a slave. Yesterday she messaged me that I'd be getting a video message from her that day and she hoped I was ready to be her slave. I responded that I certainly was ready and looked forward to it. But I haven't heard back. I really want this. I am ready to take orders and am excited about hearing her give me some.

Oh boy, I think we're gonna have some fun. This girl is going to put me in my place and keep me humble. I can't wait for her to start bossing me around. I can see hard times ahead (pun intended). Right now we are going over all the basic stuff, expectations, limits and such. We will have a nice little threesome. I hope I can make their lives as happy as they make mine difficult... financially difficult. I am, among other things, a money slave (I prefer that term to pay pig). I will enjoy doing without some things that I want knowing that the money is being devoted to a higher purpose... the pleasure of the two beautiful women I'll be serving, Rachael and Rachel.

Well, Rachael jumped the gun a little and got her friend Rachel in touch with me. I was still in bed Saturday morning when I got the first message. At first I was a little put off because I had made no firm decision yet. But as I got out of bed and saw the huge wet spot on my underwear I knew that her friend already had control of me. She was immediately dominant and I am helpless as I know that she was sent by Rachael to deal with me. It is almost like a mom who doesn't want to spank the kids so she says, "just wait till your father gets home". So Rachael's friend, Rachel, is going to take a firm hand with me. I'm nervous but excited. I don't know how it will go but my depression seems to have disappeared pretty quickly. The difficult thing immediately is that I don't know how much Rahael has told her about what this will involve, what I'm looking for, etc. I don't know if she has been told about sending me private instagram videos to demand money, etc. I guess I'll find out. Planned on Rachael helping with this transition.

I've been involved with no fewer than 50 women online. My terms of service have been as short as one or two tributes and a couple of emails and as long as many months or over a year. I only developed strong emotional feelings for two of them, Rachael and Kelsey. I have had numerous terms of service with each of them, at least five each, I think. I have always had fantasies about how I wanted these relationships to develop. But I've always ended up feeling like an uncle sending gifts to his college aged niece. It is not their fault, it is mine. I didn't meet them on fetish sites. I found these girls on Twitter. I grew tired of professional type dommes. I thought it would be fun to find a regular girl and then see her explore her dominant side. And I fell in love with them despite the relationships not developing like I hoped. Now I'm frustrated. I'm serving Rachael, she and I are friends. Kelsey hates me and we will likely never communicate again.

Currently under consideration is bringing in a friend of Rachael's, which I mentioned a couple of journal posts back. But right now I just don't know what I want to do. I've been somewhat depressed. Right now Rachael is largely occupied with something that she has not chosen to share with me so I'm trying not to bother her.

It was a little less than two months ago that I was very excited in anticipation of a new journey I thought I would be going on. Now, only eight weeks later, I feel quite depressed and disillusioned.

Marcia exchanged a little tweet with me and Annabell liked one of my Instagram pics. It is nice to see that some of those with whom I had a brief period of servitude don't hate me. Of course, the one that counts, the one I really had feelings for, Kelsey, does hate me. That still hurts. I really did try hard and I gave it a long time. When my servitude to her ended I sent her a little gift a short time later. The day it was delivered she deleted her Amazon wish list and her Instagram, sending me a very clear message. I don't know why I'm thinking about it right now. It has been six months.

Something is very different.

That first video that Marcia sent me really was great. It is funny how when things start off well you sometimes are just getting set up for disappointment. Somebody just accidentally does something perfectly so you think that is how it will always be. Or maybe it is everyone's tendency to take others for granted once they feel they have someone under their thumb.

I worked my first TV job this month today and they want me back for tomorrow. That's a relief. I was an Air Force guy today, probably the same tomorrow.

I was really down over the weekend. I have a few really big issues to deal with. One is health related, another is property & tax related, and the other has to do with emotional dependency on some people in my life. Can I make others happy and be happy myself? It shouldn't be as hard as it seems to be.

Oh God, I'm bored.

I've looked through Rachael's follow lists on Twitter and Instagram and found her friend that she has proposed bringing into our little domme/sub relationship. It is not for certain yet but I'm going to try to start getting mentally prepared. I'll start by getting some of her pictures and imagine that she is dominating me and see if this is a turn on. It should be as she is very good looking. I'll create some fantasies that involve all three of us also. Her name is Rachel, different spelling than my mistress, "Rachael". Rachael hasn't been around to discuss it since she threw out the idea a couple of days ago. She had also mentioned the possibility of this girl before when we were trying out Marcia. I think it could be fun but you never know how things will work. I have not yet followed her on social media because she may not know who I am and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

Rachael gave me approval so I paid Marcia the last ?30. She is a nice girl but her attitude was too lax. She will have to get more serious if she is to succeed at uni or on a job. While that experiment didn't work out, Rachael and I may try it again with her other friend. I love Rachael but she just can't seem to get tough and strict with me. So we will see if she and her friend can work as a team, her friend taking care of the domination duties and I can continue the same friendly chat with Rachael that I've always had. But I want to make sure we get things all clear before we start so that everyone knows what is expected. This will be more of a team effort than the experiment with Marcia was.

Well, Marcia finally wrote to me and told me how she was doing. She said I didn't have to bother sending the cooker I promised but she could use the small amount of money, ?30, that I was still due to send her. I had about decided that if she didn't write to me again I wasn't going to send it. But now I will. However, no matter what direction things go with Rachael I don't think that Marcia will be part of my future plans. I can't deal with people who ignore me for two weeks & longer at a time, and I think that would be a routine thing with her.

I crave Rachael.

And Happy Birthday to my mom, she is 81 today. I don't want to say going strong, but still going.

Why black & white? I've been working out in the sun and have a very uneven tan.

I may not always be thrilled with Rachael's decisions but I respect her and love her.

Jeopardy tournament of champions!! An important time for nerds like me.

I have been scolded for complaining and must learn my place. I will honor, respect, and obey my mistress.

Someone messaged me asking about how weight loss is accomplished through an increase in growth hormone. Not really being an expert I'll just direct anyone interested to one of the articles I read on it: http://www.coachcalorie.com/maximizing-growth-hormone-for-fat-loss/

That is not an ad selling anything nor is it a clickable link.

I put together some loose dollars around the house and sent Marcia £20, the second installment of the last £100 that I told her I'd send. Rachael let me send her £50 earlier in the month, so I now still owe her £30. However, she did not acknowledge either payment and I'm wondering why I feel obligated to follow through to someone who shows no appreciation. I also sent her an email mid month letting her know that I did not forget about her and intended to follow through on my promises. She did not reply to that letter either. I know, I'm an idiot. But I'm a nice idiot.

So today ends July, the first month in a while where I am serving Rachael exclusively. I hope that I can do as well for her in August as I did in July. I like being her slave and she likes using me. It will be coming up on four years since I first came into contact with her very soon. It was sometime late November or early December of 2011. I'm going to try to look through the old DMs from my previous twitter account to see if I can figure out the date.

Rachael owns Slave David and Slave David loves his mistress.

Going to bed now, 34 hours into my weekly 44 hour fast, which goes from noon Monday until 8am Wednesday. I don't do this for weight control but it can be used for that. I do it for the longevity benefits that are derived by toughening the cells by putting them through this deprivation exercise. It is supposed to have the same benefits as calorie restriction but without the continuous deprivation, which does not sound like fun. It is also said to boost some harmones, such as human growth harmone, by up to 500%. This is my third week. I like it because during the 5 and a half days a week I'm not fasting I can have four meals a day and two snacks without having to worry about portion sizes.

I think Rachael and I have the right balance now. She is my sweet little angel but greedy and demanding when it comes to money. This will work fine. We have some issues to work out but I think we'll be able to do this. Of course, Marcia will now have to wait for that last £50 I owe her. But I will drop her a note and tell her I didn't forget and will send it when I can. I don't blame Rachael for not making it a priority after the smarty messages that Marcia sent her.

It is hot as hell. I dropped my mother off at church and went to run in the 90 degree sun at the park track. For 3.5 miles my time is a full minute per mile slower. Of course, I've been doing workouts that are more taxing to the anaerobic system, HIIT, and haven't been running as much. But I just hate the idea of slipping in one area to gain in another. I heard from Rachael. She saw the end of month report I'd emailed her and was pleased on my having a decent month. But she didn't give me any specific instructions yet. The suspense is killing me.

It is getting close to the time for me to give Rachael my end of month report. This gets me nervous and excited.

I just drove my mom and her friend to the old folks luncheon. I took them to a location where a bus would take them some place around 35 miles away. I have to pick them up this afternoon. I'm not working today so I'll just work out and do some house cleaning in the mean time.

It has been five months since my last contact with Kelsey. I am mostly over it and don't feel any real pain any more. But I am still working to come to terms with the fact that I will likely never have any contact with her again. That is a little bit difficult... just as it was difficult when I was serving her a couple of years ago and thought that I would never have contact with Rachael again. The big difference, of course, is that Rachael is a nice person and Kelsey is not. I could never simply be friends with Kelsey.

Outdoor shoot today, very high temperature. I hope this doesn't run long.

Tomorrow I'm playing a Navy Seal squad leader. I've played military officers many times but I'm kind if surprised they are using someone my age for this. But it sounds like fun. The only thing I don't like is that I have to be there for 6am and it is an hour drive. I have to get up at 4:30. Marcia will not be able to get her last £50 this month as there won't be a huge surplus so Rachael will likely find a better use for it. I've decided to do a weekly 44 hour fast, from noon Monday until 8am Wednesday... nothing but coffee and tea. Research seems to indicate that the longevity benefits mimic those of calorie restriction. I thought it would be difficult but the fasting part is rather easy. What I found more difficult is substantially increasing caloric intake the rest of the week. I'll try to throw in a few more of those delicious chocolate whey protein shakes.

Since someone asked how many years ago my profile pic was taken, I decided to update it, trying to recreate the pose, and holding a sign with the date. This was taken today, the last one was a little over two years old. A few more wrinkles in the face but the body is still in shape.

Today was a good day since I had lots of interaction with Rachael and she told me I should send a gift to her friend Amy who just graduated from uni. Like Rachael, she was studying law. I met Amy online back in the same period that I first met Rachael as they were high school friends and had just graduated. Rachael had just made 18 and Amy was still 17. Amy was an avid reader and very organized and together person. She went through uni very quickly and her success did not surprise me. Rachael was very troubled at the time and I am extremely impressed at how she turned her life around and got on track. Amy was likely a big influence on Rachael's decision to go into law. I remember a few years ago when Amy brought Rachael to attend a lecture and was so proud that Rachael, who was not even a student then, was answering all the questions:)

Wimbledon final tomorrow. I'm for Federer. But it will be tough. I'm in Central Time United States. It starts at 8am here. I'll try to go cycling for an hour before hand and watch the match during breakfast.

I did as I suggested I might. I got a small check in so I sent Marcia just half, £50. The rest will have to wait until I've taken care of Rachael a bit more. I have to get to my rent collections and other activities to generate some more money.

Louisiana has put a smaller cap on the tax credits offered to the movie industry. Filming here has already slowed down. My work as an extra has slowed down considerably. I had been working 3 or 4 days a week. But in all of May I worked only 5 days and only 3 days in June. I've worked only one day so far in July. So I will have to develop at least one new income source. I am going to register as a substitute teach for next school year. The rental properties provide me with enough to pay my bills plus a little bit to devote to Rachael. But I want to give her lots more as this gives both of us great pleasure.

Right now I am 15 hours into a 40 hour fast... nothing but water, coffee, and tea. Then I'll do a day of just high fiber greens and super lean protein. This is part of a cleanse. I'm also going to decarb (deplete glycogen stores) and perhaps spend a few days in ketosis. Today I've already done a 10 mile very moderate pace bike ride. I will do one high intensity routine to help blow through the glycogen and then stick to very low intensity exercise until I go back on the regular carb schedule so as not to start breaking down muscle... which happens if you do heavy or intense exercise when on a low carb diet. Fat can only fuel your body at a very moderate pace. For intense exercise you need carbs and if your body is out of them it breaks down muscle for energy. I put on about 10 pounds, which I think is probably about 6 pounds of muscle and 4 pounds of fat. I guess this strictly from my waist line measure. For me a waistline inch is equal to about 4 pounds of fat. So now I'll try to take off the fat and see if I can keep most of the muscle. I don't do the bulk and cut thing often.

Marcia sent me such a nice letter that I now feel bad about my last journal entry. I might delete it.

Okay, so I have again written Marcia. I sent drafts of my letter to Rachael for approval because I didn't want to say anything that would either make Rachael uncomfortable or further alienate the two of them.

Rachael is okay with me sending her another £100 and an item from her wishlist. I have not heard back from Marcia after explaining things to her. I am wondering if she is going to say anything. She probably will not say anything ugly that would jeopardize what I promised to send her. But I want to see if she says anything either to me or to Rachael. What I am tempted to do, when I have the extra money, is send her half that and see what happens. I'll send her £50 saying that I'll have to send the rest later. Then I'll see if I get any acknowledgement.

Marcia will have to learn to give all relationships the proper care and attention and not simply take people for granted. Perhaps it is good for her to learn this with someone like me, who means nothing to her, rather than lose someone important in her life because of this type of behavior. If Rachael were completely out of the picture things still would not have lasted very long with Marcia, despite the fact that her video, emails, and the assignments she gave me were all rather good. I really did not feel connected to her at all. As was the case with Kelsey, I felt like I was an unpleasant chore. Nobody likes to feel like that. Even if a woman is abusing me, I like to feel that she enjoys it and is not just going through the motions to appease me.

I'm thinking again of the "ignore lines" on niteflirt. The sub calls, it may be something like $2.99 a minute, or what ever. The chick answers the phone and then just puts the phone down as she goes about her business. She does not engage the sub at all. He hangs on the line as long as he wants while the charge runs. I have a very hard time believing that anybody really has this "ignore fetish."

A domme I used to work for had several niteflirt lines. I managed most of her domination business. Nobody really ever got to her until I had carefully screened them, usually having gotten an initial tribute, and determined them not to be a time waster. I would then contact her and say, "ok, we got a live one". Then she would take over. I also had to spend a few hours a night in the chat room on her personal web site, chatting with anyone who showed up. I would keep them occupied and if I determined them not to be a time waster I would then text her that a live one was in the chat room. I didn't have much money at the time so this is how she got service out of me. But, back to the point... this woman had an ignore line on niteflirt also. She had me set one up for her because she saw that other dommes had them. Not a single call ever came in on that line. So I have to believe that all though there are lots of very strange fetishes out there, very few people like to be ignored.

Marcia is also claiming to have sent me a reply to the message I sent her a week ago telling her that I wanted to serve Rachael exclusively and planned to approach her about it soon. She says she does not know why I didn't get it. I don't think I believe she sent it, although she may have intended to and think she had. It is not in my spam folder or anything. I seriously doubt I deleted it by mistake. Her failure to respond is why no final payment was included. But I still feel little bad as I did tell her late in June that I'd have a payment for her around July 6.

Rachael has not given me the final word on whether I can send Marcia something this month. Marcia says she was expecting and depending on it. But I see that I am glad it ended quickly to her. It frightens me to think that some girl is depending on me to finance her basic cost of living. She was looking at expensive two bedroom flats, she is not working, and I was soon going to feel trapped... like I had no choice but to continue serving her because she was depending on me for her rent. I simply can't serve under those conditions even temporarily. I at first considered giving her a three month notice that I was returning to Rachael. But three months would have been too late.

Difficult situation. I didn't expect to here from Marcia again and I thought that maybe things were over with her and Rachael also. Now she writes back being all sweet. This happened with Annabell also but Marcia touches my heart a bit more, and Rachael's too. I will rely on Rachael's advice here but I know it will be difficult for her also. Rachael knows that all I care about is making her happy and will do what she says. That puts a bigger burden on her.

It sucks. All I want to do is please Rachael and all this other bullshit gets in the way.

Some idiot female domme just wrote me a two word message, "hello loser". So I gave her a short reply, "good bye loser". But I did get a very nice message from another female reader who thinks what I have with Rachael is very special. I love letters like that. Thank you.

Okay, done, it is over with Marcia. It appears she was making fun of the entire thing. She is not really into the domination fetish. She was just going through the motions to try to get money... just like all the fake fin dommes on niteflirt, and some that exist here. A domme that is really into the fetish, whether it is bdsm or financial domination, gets an erotic thrill and a sense of empowerment out of dominating men. It is not just about money.

Now, it is possible that this started at a bad time for her. She was going to Sweden to visit her boyfriend with whom she gets to spend little time. She was excited about that and had little time to devote to me. But her effort was quite minimal just the same, going for periods of a week and ten days without answering my emails. That is hardly the way to get off to a good start.

Rachael and I are in touch all the time. Three days without communication is a long time for us. She shares what is going on in her life and I feel like I am a part. I know that I am way too old for her to think of me as anything but a friend and a slave. But that is okay because if I were looking for a real time relationship I would not be talking to someone across the ocean. I am very happy serving Rachael.

I sent Rachael a draft of the letter I intend to send Marcia. i just want the thing with Marcia to be over. Online I am primarily a money slave. It pleases Rachael that I suffer hardship to make her happy.., and knowing that pleases me.

Is the purpose of a slave's journal here to just keep going on about how much he loves his mistress and how happy he is to serve her? That's all I feel like doing.

Oh, I am so excited about just serving Rachael again. This will be like the 4th or 5th term of service with her. I had 4 or 5 terms with Kelsey also. Things don't go smooth all the time with any type of relationship. There are ups and downs. But I somehow think that this next stretch with Rachael is going to last a very long time... perhaps the rest of my life.

Of course, I don't know what could happen in the future. Rachael may some day get involved with a guy who thinks that the idea of her having an online slave is just too weird for him. If that happens we will have to end it. I would be sad but I would understand. I do not anticipate myself getting involved in a real time relationship. I'm not looking for one and I run from women who show any interest in me... though I'm always polite.

For now I will enjoy the now. Of course, the "now" is really the near future. I still have to settle things with Marcia. But I somehow get the feeling she is going to settle this for me by not contacting me again.

This waiting is killing me. Why doesn't Marcia just write me a polite note that says something like, "Its okay, David. Go serve Rachael. There are no hard feelings." I know I'm not going to get any kind of note like that but it would really make feel very relieved and very happy. I would even send her a farewell tribute.

I just want to serve my little angel.

I don't understand this non- communication from Marcia. Whether she is disappointed, mad, sad, or indifferent you'd think she would say something. What am I going to say to her? Just "Well ...?". This is damn awkward. If she weren't a friend of Rachael's I would have just sent her a very simple note saying it was over. But I was hoping not to create an awkward situation between them. As far as online slavery, the only real power the woman has over the slave is to have him become addicted to her. Then she can control him pretty easily. But how could I become addicted to her when she writes me once a week and Rachael is on my mind every minute of the day. It's impossible.

Two days ago I wrote to Marcia about my feelings for Rachael. I haven't heard from her since. She communicated with Rachael but I can't tell from the translation if she is mad or amused. I don't know whether I should write to her again or just wait and see what happens.

I am confused and in transition. I thought it would be really cool having Rachael and her friend, Marcia. But I'm finding that I only think about Rachael and I want to serve her exclusively. I have to ease out of the situation with Marcia and try to make sure no feelings are hurt.

Marcia has given me a couple of research tasks that I might as well get to work on. She will be attending university near Aberdeen starting in September. She wanted me to research prices for a two bedroom flat. There are a great many. They seem to be anywhere from £700 per month to £2000 per month. I sent her a photo of one of the lesser expensive ones as well as links to view a great many more.

She also wants me to research whale watching tours in the UK, which I have just started to do. A slave should be kept busy. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I'm supposed to do some kind of cooking videos also with healthy meal options.

I will do my duties.

I'm in a big mess now. I don't know what to do.

I am most happy right now. I think we have a sweet and loveable domination style that Rachael will be comfortable using on me. I can't wait. Since I have become re-obsessed with her she is on my mind almost every minute. I loved her and took great joy pleasing her before, but it was like an old guy taking his grand daughter to the zoo and buying her an ice cream cone... sweet and innocent. Now she is giving me a big erotic thrill, which is much different.

After years with Rachael it is suddenly brand new all over again.

My life can never be that bad as long as my sweet, beautiful, little angel, Rachael, is a part of it.

After going through several different stages with Rachael over the last three and a half years I am suddenly becoming re-obsessed with her. This is the strangest thing and came suddenly out of the blue. I've always loved her but this is something different. It could be a temporary little phase. We'll see.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm finally over Kelsey. Yesterday makes four months since my last contact with her. She is not on my mind any more. I'm not doing crazy internet searches to try to find out any scrap of information about her. I guess I wouldn't know for certain unless she contacted me again. But right now I'm thinking about Rachael.

And, of course, I'm also serving Marcia right now. She has the more hard core domination duties. My main problem with her is that we simply don't communicate frequently enough. I'll see if that changes.

Today was great. I had a nice chat with Rachael and Marcia emailed me as well. Rachael got the gifts I sent and sent me a pic modeling a top that I bought her. I couldn't resist sending her some money also before Marcia got to me. Things may work with Marcia. But she has to realize that slaves are not just sexual perverts. They are usually lonely, emotionally needy people. I can't handle ten day stretches without any attention from my mistress. If I didn't have Rachael also it would really be bad.

I just got notice from Amazon that a game that I ordered for Rachael should be delivered tomorrow. I really thought that had been delivered long ago.

I'll work on Zoo Tuesday. That show will start on CBS at the end of the month. It should be pretty cool. The animals are taking over the earth and attacking humans.

I did a really killer HIIT workout today. I think I'm ready for a nap.

Things started out okay with Rachael's friend, Marcia. But I don't know how much she is really into this. The first little vid she sent me was great. But not much fantasy fuel after that. I'll give it a little more time because she's a friend of Rachael's. But I am just not going to remain if I feel like I'm a chore. But it is a great comfort for me to know that I always have Rachael's Amazon list and paypal account available to make use of any extra funds. And she is always a delight to chat with.

One of my tenants has become unemployed. This has a big trickle effect. That rent was not paid for June. Although I have four tenants, the rent from the first four covers the mortgage notes. The other two account for any positive cash flow. So the extra money I normally get from the rentals is cut in half this month. Hopefully she will get her unemployment coming in or get another job quickly. I'll still have the money for the girls first week in July. But i was hoping to have some more for the end of June.

Work has also been slow for June, just as it was in May.

Rachael put a new profile pic up on Twitter with her friend Rachel. They look so cute.

Marcia is going to another school next semester and will live in the student housing at the university. I'm not sure which one but she is moving from Glasgow.

I made a little fitness video for Marcia but now I am supposed to try to help her with a meal plan. She is on a mission to get healthy. She tweeted today, "no more McDonald's". I hope she is serious as that would be a good start for anyone. If you have to do fast food you could at least find some place with a salad bar. Or Subway is not that bad if you pick the right stuff, and at least in the U.S. you now have the option of getting any sandwich as a wrap instead of a sub... which reduces the carbs.

everyday when she walks to the sea, she looks straight ahead not at me...

Rachael had gotten through her first year as a law student and just Aced an important final exam! I'm so proud of her :) Unfortunately she is feeling ill right now. Get well soon, Angel.

Just browsing Rachael's and Marcia's Amazon wishlists and ordering a few items. That's fun.

Been watching the French Open. I was at first for Federer. When he got knocked out I was for Murray. And gave it a really good try. In the women's I was for anyone but Serena. I'm tried of seeing her overpower all the other women.

Marcia has given me my first assignment. She wants me to help her with a diet/nutrition plan. This is something I enjoy and am into so it won't be difficult. I think the biggest trick to eating healthy is to have healthy stuff around and ready to eat. Once you are hungry it is too late to fix something healthy. You are just going to grab something, a bag of chips, or what ever is easy. One trick is to prepare stuff when you are not hungry. Make at least three servings at once and put them in portion controlled containers in the refrigerator. This way when you suddenly get hungry you will have healthy options that you can get to quickly before you grab some quick, unhealthy, processed/packaged foods.

I remember making at least one nutrition video for Rachael. I have to go rewatch and see if it would be appropriate here and will send her a link if it is.

I seem to have recovered from my muscle soreness so will go for some tough high intensity circuit training today. This will include a few weight stations with rope skips and burpees included in each round to keep the heart rate up.

Work as an extra has been slow. I worked only 5 days in May and have not yet worked this month. I will need to look for an additional income source to supplement my rental income. The part-time movie work is not cutting it.

I've sent Rachael and Marcia money already this month. I am hoping to order Rachael a few more gift items. I unfortunately had to pay a traffic ticket sent to me in the mail from one of those traffic cameras. It says I was going 30 in a 20 school zone. They send a picture but that doesn't prove anything. I was probably slowing to the posted limit and the camera caught me just as I entered the school zone. But that sucks, it is $110 that I don't have to spend on the girls.

Marcia sent me a little note this morning. Rachael made a good selection in her. She was not really ugly or abusive but definitely strict and serious. She means business.

If I don't feel like I'm about to die at some point I don't feel like I really had a workout. I go really, really intense so that the breathing is very hard and the heart rate gets near its max. But my muscles are sore today in a few places. I may have to just go for a casual paced bike ride. I'm thinking of going for a run but it is almost 90 degrees.

Well that is weird. Yesterday I was trying and failing to post to my journal. Now I see all three failed entrees posted, two of them duplicates. Oh well ...

Marcia ended up getting with me after all. This is fantastic. In her little video she comes across super intense... and she told Rachael I was intense. She could bring me to my knees. I imagine her as a guard in a prison camp, or the evil doctor who performs cruel medical procedures on the male prisoners. She appeals to my absolute most kinky side. I'm ready for her to put chains on me and take me to her dungeon.

I have fantasies of Rachael also but they are much more tame. I imagine myself as her butler and chauffeur.

When I am really down my little angel lifts me up. I knew Rachael was a very special person from the first day I met her. Rachael's friend stood me up yesterday. But I appreciate Rachael's effort in trying to bring in someone to supply a need of mine. Marcia may still work but tomorrow she leaves on her trip and she'll have to explain things and make them right before that. I doubt this will happen. Anyway, I still have Rachael and I love her.

I've been stood up again with no explanation.

These girls have me sooo excited!! I feel like one very lucky slave right now.

Rachael and Marica are both law students and have lots of tests this week. I like smart women. I hope they hit it out of the ballpark with their grades.

I have decided to retire my faceless instagram and have changed my name, though it is still the same account. Where I still have the originals I'll replace my faceless pictures. I was faceless for the benefit of Kelsey who was both embarrassed to be seen chatting with an older guy and I believe fantasized that I was a young man trying to romance her. Yes, I still love her, but... she really is nuts. I have this condition where I am drawn to mental illness, its weird, but it is what it is. Anyway, I was faceless on Instagram to appease Kelsey. If not, she would not reply to me and would delete any pic she posted that I posted a comment about. Being faceless could perpetuate her fantasy that some handsome young man was sending gifts and telling her how beautiful she is. I still have a young man's body but I now want to make sure everyone can see the wrinkled old face, just in case they have a problem with it.

I'm not a vanilla guy, I'm a slave and a bit of a masochist. But I have this situation now that is so exciting that I have to try to put it in a vanilla guy's terms.

Suppose this guy is picking his wife up from work. His wife has this female friend that is hot and your wife notices that you looked at her. The next day your wife brings her friend home to the house and says, "I noticed that you seem to find my friend, Jane, attractive. Why don't the two of you go into the bedroom and have some fun. After that we'll all go out and get something to eat."

Would that be fucking unbelievable? Well, like I said, I'm not vanilla at all but I imagine that this would be a fantastic fantasy for most any guy. But, as a slave, I have almost that exact situation now. Rachael has introduced me to a friend who intends to give me a very strong dose of domination. I don't have to feel any guilt, she and Rachael are friends... this is just so totally unreal.

Her friend Marcia is kind of new to the domination game but does dominate her boyfriend. We have had some discussion and I think this is going to work fabulously.

Rachael is such an angel and so dear to me. She has really gone out of her way to help me be happy, and I'm so greatful.

I have had to terminate things with Annabell, with whom I have been corresponding and have gifted. She became far too dominant for someone who was supposed to be merely a friend and things went far beyond the scope of what Rachael finds acceptable. I wrote to here this morning and got the letter I sent approved by Rachael. Now I wait to see if there will be an explosion.

Rachael, besides being my mistress, is a very dear friend. This has made it difficult for her to dominate me. But, while I am still serving her, she has assigned me to her friend Marcia to get some domination. What a dream situation, I can't believe it. I felt dirty and guilty with Annabell. But Rachael selected Marcia and approves of her. This will be fantastic and I feel totally at peace.

Life is a soap opera.

My slave life just seems to be full of surprises. Rachael has thrown me an exciting and unexpected twist that I have to think about.., having a friend of her's dominate me! I have had real time fatasies about stuff like this. I have fantasized that I'm serving my mistress when she has friends over... I'm acting as sort of a waiter, serving drinks and such, when one if her friends asks her if she can take the slave in the other room and dominate him, boss him, beat him, do what ever she wants... to which Rachael says, "sure!". I have never had such a fantasy about online servitude but now my imagination is running wild.

Today is a party thrown by the opera guild. I'm taking my mother. This will be three hours of lots to eat and drink. I'll be working out and going for a good bike ride to burn off lots of carbs that I can replenish this evening.

Rachael got a pet bird, a cockatiel. That should be fun. She has some bird toys on her wishlist. She just got the blouse and the legal book that I sent her.

Tomorrow I'm driving to Baton Rouge for a costume fitting. I'm going to be an extra in a remake of the western classic, The Magnificent Seven. I will just be one of the town's folk. Maybe I'll get shot or something. That would be fun. But I'll probably just be sitting at a table in a saloon or something.

There is yet another festival going on in the neighborhood and I can hear the noise of the loud bands in the house into the night.

That's all for now.

Happy Birthday, Colleen, my first little princess. I used to send her, and her sisters and mother also, gifts from a secret admirer. But Colleen was my favorite. They lived across the street from me. I was in college, Colleen was 9 years old. I guess she is making 46 today. I haven't seen her in over 30 years. I taught her gymnastics.

Today's movie shot is in the casino. I hope none of my poker friends see me.

I just ordered Rachael a couple of gifts, a law book and an article of clothing. I'd still send Kelsey some gifts but I know she hates me. I sent her one gift after I'd stopped serving her. The day it was delivered she deleted her Amazon wishlist. I don't wish to serve her but it still kind of hurts knowing that someone I cared so much about despises me. I wish things could have ended on good terms.

Most of the family is now set to take my mom out for Mother's Day on Sunday to her fav restaurant. Tomorrow I have to drive her and some old lady friends to A retired teachers luncheon. I am comfortable with how things are going to work. How could Rachael be a mean bitch and still be my little angel? I'm attracted to dominant women but I love my little angel.

Rachael has been totally honest and upfront with me and I have tried to be the same with her. I want her to be a part of my life and I hope that she would like that too. I told her some things about myself that I've never told anyone. Right now she has the pressures of school and the pain of a recent breakup to deal with. I feel selfish to even consider my needs at this point. I want her to be happy, at peace, and continue to move in the right direction with her legal studies.

During my transition period from Kelsey I also had some interaction with another UK woman, Annabell. That has ended, as far as sending money and such, but we are still friendly. Depending on how Rachael feels about it, I may try to renew that and serve them both. I feel a strong emotional bond with Rachael while Annabell is dominant and tickles my fetish. Or it is possible that I may serve mainly Rachael and get occasional relief by going to a pay as you go fetish site and interacting with some random domme. I have done the second option many times but it is so impersonal that I don't get much satisfaction out of it.

But, what ever the case, Rachael still owns me and I'm not going to do anything that she does not approve of. Rachael could have easily just put on an act to take my money. I very much appreciate her honesty.

Oh boy, I have some decisions to make. I may be sort of serving two mistresses. Rachael has sensed that I have needs that she has trouble with because of the nature of our relationship. Keeping Annabel on would be the easiest thing but I'm reluctant to tell her because I am unsure how I will work things. But at least I would not feel guilty about going behind Rachael's back as she already gave me the go ahead. I was writing to Rachael and sending her some gifts and money while I was serving Kelsey. At the very minimum I hope I can still do that. I have much to think about.

Sunday is Mother's Day, hmmm. We have to do something but all my siblings don't get along. It'll probably have to be two separate get togethers.

I am a slave. Tasks, duties, whatever my mistress wants me to do. Carrying out orders is what makes me feel useful, like I'm fulfilling my purpose in life.

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT DECISION Mayweather lost fair and square. Manny forced the fight the whole way. It wasn't even close!!

Well, I wouldn't say that it was much of a domme/slave session but we had a nice chat. Tomorrow is the last day of Jazz Fest and the. the neighborhood will be back to normal. A friend of my mother's is having a dinner party for her 90th birthday. I'm invited and will have to bring her. My plan is to bring my mother home after, put my bike on the back of my car, dive several miles away to my oldest sister's house to park my car, then ride the bike home and go retrieve my bike the next day. There will be no place to park near my house. I still don't have any work booked for next week. I hope I get a couple of days.

Rachael just messaged me that she wants to Skype this evening !!!!! I got so excited that I cut myself shaving. I'll call her in about a half hour. I would like nothing better than to have her completely capture and control my mind, to become my obsession again as when I first met her. I am tired of Kelsey still being in the back of my mind.

A new month has arrived. I'm sorting out bills and expenses. I think I have Rachael's payment ready. I also have the last payment for Annabell, as per our agreement. I will be serving just Rachael. I really thought that Annabell understood that at the start but I suppose there was a misunderstanding. I hope that she won't hold any grudge against me. But I can't afford to serve two women. It is possible that she thought that I was a wealthy guy who liked to give money away. That is far from the case. I will still send her occasional gifts and a little money when I am doing well.

I tried to communicate to Rachael that I am a slave that needs to be controlled, told what to do. Without that I am like a ship without a sail. I need instructions, orders. She and I are friends and that perhaps makes her feel uncomfortable being too bossy with me. I personally prefer a strict school teacher type tone to be used with me as opposed to the cruel evil bitch tone. But I'm okay with either. With Kelsey I felt more like I was an uncle sending gifts to his favorite niece... which is okay for my sugar daddy side but it lacks any erotic element as far as my fetish is concerned. It leaves me browsing niteflirt profiles so that I get turned on just reading the ads of dominant women.

I worked 10 days in April. I actually hope to work 12 days a month so that is just a little short but not too bad. I hope May goes well. I'm not working today and have nothing yet scheduled. The TV show that was giving me the most work over the last 6 months has wrapped for the season and won't resume filming until July. Lots of stuff is going on in Baton Rouge but I don't want to drive that far just for a random day of work. They pay is not high enough to justify it.

This is the last weekend of Jazz Fest in New Orleans. My brother and I make a little money selling parking places at our house. The going rate is $30. The people at the corner park about 25 cars on their lawn each day. We can only get three or four. If I want to go anywhere I have to take my bicycle as there would be no place to park when I returned.

Sometimes I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

One good thing about Jazz Fest... we at least get to sell our parking places to festival goers.

I have new respect for the flexed arm hang, which I never took seriously. I always thought of it as something done by women who could not do pull-ups. But I incorporated a 30 second flexed arm hang (chin above bar) into a 5 exercise circuit interval routine. By the third circuit my arms were burning really bad.

I got a rush call yesterday to work on a TV show that is yet to be aired. I think it was picked up by ABC but I'm not sure. It is about the animals taking back over the earth. It should be pretty cool.

Rachael seems to feel good and confident about her college studies. I think she is going to do very well.

I got through the shows I was currently watching and was trying to find another. My brother suggested Prison Break, which is available on Netflix. I'm enjoying it. I noticed that the head guard looked like an ugly version of William Shatner but I was surprised when I found out that the guy is actually his son.

The weather has calmed down today. There was a tornado in the area yesterday. High winds in one area caused a couple of cars of a freight train to topple off of a train bridge down the street below. Luckily nobody was killed.

Nothing else exciting right now.

Jazz Fest starts tomorrow in New Orleans and my house is in the area. It will be a zoo. I probably won't even be able to find a place to park near my house. I'm tired right now and have to be at work for 6:30am tomorrow.

This guy just wouldn't leave me alone on the set yesterday. He said he wasn't gay but he was showing me his modeling pics from 20 years ago and he asked for my phone number three times. Each time I told him that I never answer the phone and I gave him my email. The last time he was insistent saying that he wouldn't call me but only wanted to text. So I gave him my KIK name and told him he could text me there. A little while ago I got a phone call that had the caller ID blocked. I didn't answer but I'd bet it was him and he managed to find my number.

This guy makes me very uncomfortable. As we were talking today he kept getting very close and I would back up. I finally came right out and said that I need 18 inches of personal space to be comfortable and that he kept infringing upon it. He said that he'd respect that but he didn't stop.

Then he starts commenting to me about a couple of women and saying how stunning they were. I think he was looking for my reaction. Since I didn't say anything adolescent about the women he probably then assumed I was gay.

I am very disturbed by this. This used to happen when I was in my late teens and early 20s. But a guy in his 50s does not often experience sexual harassment. He started out asking me questions about working out and I thought he was actually interested in talking about health and fitness. I made the mistake of telling him about my YouTube channel where I have workout videos. He checked it out right away but didn't comment or ask questions about any exercises. Instead he started making comments about my body and wanted to get together to work out.

I'm hoping I don't see this guy again but that seems impossible.

I sent Rachael some money the last week of Feb when I spoke to Kelsey last. Up to yesterday, just about two months time I've managed to get her a total of just over ?650. I will sacrifice all I can for her happiness. I'm working Tuesday and Friday as of now. I've put in for lots of stuff Wednesday but have not been booked. My newest tenant is working out okay so far so I again have full occupancy. On Thursday I will supposedly get a free Amdroid tablet for going to some sales presentation. I suspect it is probably time share. They must have gotten my name from some list that is several years old from back when I had money. But I will go and collect the gift.

OMG, what a long day, 14 hours. This was the last episode of the season for N C I S n.o. I was a navy officer in the early part of the day and just a French Quarter partier the second half. No work tomorrow. I hope I'll be able to talk to Rachael. I've been wanting to since she got home but my schedule hasn't worked well with the difference in our time zones. She is six hours ahead of me. I'm dead tired and have to sleep now.

Rachael is safely home, thank God. I was worried about her getting caught up in the middle of a violent domestic situation between her friend and her friends boyfriend, with whom she was staying in Rome. She told me a little about it before she left and I knew she was going into a difficult situation. But I didn't know until she was there that get friend's bf was also physically abusive. I am so glad she's home safely.

Rachael is still on holiday in Rome. I got messages that she arrived safely and things were going well. Work was slow starting this month but I should be able to send her both her late April payment and her early May payment on time.

My sister has finally moved out and into her house that has been undergoing renovations for a while. Her two cats were also here. With her & her cats out of the house and with Ginger now gone, it is really quiet. But I can catch up on things around the house and yard that I've been putting off.

I'm also adjusting to not serving Kelsey any more. I can't say that I miss my lively correspondence with her because there was almost none. Perhaps that made it a little easier in the end. I was not really losing anything but simply accepting what had been lost a considerable time ago.

I have a Twitter friend named Annabell who used to live in Scotland. I've been talking to her since my first involvement with Rachael over three years ago. When I recently left Kelsey I knew that Rachael was going to be a big part of what ever I was doing in the future. But I really thought that I might be splitting my loyalty between two mistresses. I corresponded with lots of dommes during this short period and sent a few of them little gifts. But then I decided I was going to fully commit to serving Rachael. With all of these women, other than Annabell, I had not had much previous correspondence. But now I was in a somewhat awkward position with Annabell. I've had to explain to her that Rachael is my primary mistress and what I would have to offer her would be quite small. I hope she is not too upset with me because I'd still like to be friends, and I will send her frequent small gifts as I did for Rachael when I was serving Kelsey. I think it will be okay and she said that she has no wish to infringe upon Rachael's territory. Her birthday is April 14 and I hope I can get her a nice gift.

Tomorrow is Easter. I'll be bringing my mother to a family gathering at my sister's house tomorrow. I hope everyone here has a nice Easter weekend. My brother and his wife used to have an annual crawfish boil in their back yard on Easter day. It was a fairly big event and usually had 30 or more with people from both sides of the family. His wife left him several months ago and this will be the first Easter in a long time that he will not be hosting this event with her. I hope it will not be too painful for him.

If you do a search on YouTube for "ultrasonic rodent" you will find an 11 hour video that is a still picture with audio that emits an extreme high frequency noise that is beyond the range of human hearing. But it is supposed to drive rodents crazy and force them to vacate your home. I have not seen any rodents in my house but I hear them running around and scratching in the walls and ceiling. So I have this sound cast from YouTube to three different TV and speaker systems in the house, turned all the way on high. Hopefully my unwelcome guests will find another home in the neighborhood.

Tomorrow I'm playing a veteran at the va hospital for a new HBO series. There are several different productions going on in New Orleans right now so hopefully I'll be getting a decent amount of work.

Rachael and I had spoken voice before and we have exchanged video messages. But today was actually the first time we had a live video conversation on Skype. I guess it is a statement to how shy I am that it took almost three and a half years to get to this point. But Rachael makes me very comfortable. I am glad she is comfortable with me. She talked about her coming trip to Rome and a possibly difficult situation she will be dealing with over there. I hope it all goes well. I sent her the spending money that I'd been holding for her.

I thought I had gotten beyond Kelsey enough that I'd be able to talk about it with Rachael. But as soon as I opened my mouth to try I could feel my voice crack and I would have burst into tears if I tried to continue. But at least this is not something I feel every hour of every day as it was the first few weeks.

I'm not close to getting over the loss of Ginger yet. This house simply is not the same without her. I can't get use to preparing food in the kitchen without her there begging for scraps. When I got home she used to run to greet me with excitement. I now walk in to silence. I think it is possible that even the cat misses her, even though they were simply tolerant of each other and didn't appear to be friends.

As of now I'm not working tomorrow but I did apply for a couple of background parts and they sometimes call at the last minute.

I have a costume fitting to go to today for a job Thursday. After that... a Skype session with Rachael !!! This will do me good, especially after being on the set yesterday with this girl that looked just like Kelsey. My bills for March were all covered as well as those that come up early in April. I have money safely put away for Rachael's trip to Rome. Money will be coming in for work I did this month. And Annabell's birthday is April 14. I can start concentrating on April.

I have just two days booked next week, monday and friday. I hope I can work some more days to keep my mind busy. Ginger was my constant companion at home, following me from room to room. At home is where I am going to miss her most. It'll help considerably to be out around people. Then I can concentrate on working like a slave to provide for the happiness of my mistress. She is off to Rome very soon.

It is a sad day. Ginger, my sweet old boxer, passed away during the night. She will be very much missed.

I'm working today and have am booked to work on two different movies next week. Things are improving a little.

There was nothing wrong with Rachael yesterday, she was just having a kind of bad day. But the way I felt just seeing a frown face on her tweet reminded me how much she means to me... just in case I forget sometimes.

Ginger is not that well. I will have to bring her to the vet tomorrow. She might need another cortizone shot. She is kind of groggy and acting strange.

When I see Rachael unhappy I get very unhappy and concerned.

After the pain of heartbreak starts to subside there is this next stage where you just feel emotionally dead. I feel like this often now and Rachael is a comfort to me. I am not a heavy drinker but I usually have a glass of wine in the evening. I think I'm going to have to stop for a while because this is exactly when I start thinking of Kelsey again and getting sad. Somehow remembering how unhappy I was with her does not help that much. I just remember how things were over two years ago, before she turned to ice. It was never going to be that way again and I wasted too much time waiting and hoping that it would.

I will get so much satisfaction knowing that I'm making a major contribution to Rachael's fun in Italy with her friends. My goal is to provide her with sufficient pleasure that she would never seriously consider letting me go. If she is having fun then I'm happy.

I just got booked to work on a new show the next two days, My Invisible Sister. I don't even know if it's a TV show or movie. But that's good news. The bad news is that I have to be there for 5:30 a.m. I had my run today and, yes, I slowed down. My time was slower by about 11 seconds per mile. The temperature may have played a role. It was significantly hotter than the last few times I ran. But I'll be running a few days a week until I regain what I lost. I have some more money put away for Rachael's trip. She told me to just hold it for now so that she is not tempted to spend it before the trip. Annabell is now enjoying her London trip to which I made a small contribution, buying her train ticket. And Kelsey, I will have to adjust to the fact that I will likely never communicate with her again. She was a very important part of my life for three years. Although I know it had to end, it is still a bit hard. She is not like Rachael. The chance of Kelsey and I being friends while I'm not serving her is zero. So the chance that I will ever really be at peace with it is also zero.

Kelsey has now taken down most of her instagram pics, changed her name, changed her profile pic to a dog, blocked me, and has gone private. Yeah, I think she's pissed. In my mind, she has no right to be hurt or angry. I am the one who was totally pissed upon.

The weather is okay, I'm not working today, and my upper body muscles are sore. So this sounds like the perfect day to run. I do hard HIIT workouts 4 or 5 days a week and lift weights a couple of days a week but I only go out on a serious run about 2 or 3 times a month. When I do run it is more of a fitness test than an intentional workout. I want to make sure that I'm actually working out hard enough in my short high intensity workouts so that my aerobic capacity does not slip. So my run is usually a 3.25 mile timed event on a running track, going for my best time including sprint to the finish and everything. If I've lost more than 10 or 15 seconds off of my average then I'll take a break from weight lifting and do more running until I recapture what I've lost. This keeps me from growing into a huge muscle monster and keeps a more reasonable athletic level of muscle. I've gained about four pounds and will probably need to take it off, even if it is lean body mass. I just don't want extra weight that is non-functional and will only slow me down. I also fit into my current wardrobe and don't want to have to buy more clothes. I prefer to spend my money on my mistress.

I'm working on a movie today, only my third day of extra work this month. Things have really slowed down. I was getting three or four days a week of work in January and late last year. I have to be in for noon.

Rachael's trip is getting close. I sent her two books on learning Italian but she would have to be a really quick study to get it down that quick. I should be able to get her some more money this month and some early next month to help.

I got half good news yesterday. I signed a new tenant who was supposed to move in to one of my rentals and pay half month's rent for March. She signed a lease, put down a deposit, and is bringing her own refrigerator, washer, and dryer, which saves me money. However, she won't be moving in until April 1, when she will pay a full month's rent. So that reduces what I planned to have this month but is good as far as the future of things. I am now again back at full occupancy. I have three duplexes, for six rental units. But rent from the first four is needed to pay the mortgage. The positive cash flow is derived from the last two. So just one vacancy cuts the rental income in half.

I enjoyed the opera on Sunday and it does have lots of good music. Maybe there was another reason I didn't like Lucia... such as it is set in Scotland and the leading female goes insane and commits suicide.

The Amazon gift with the little note that I sent Kelsey was delivered yesterday. Her reaction was to immediately delete her Amazon wishlist. She is obviously hurt, angry, and wants nothing from me. I am really very sorry about that... and I mean truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt her feelings in any way. I knew that she would be disappointed that the money was no longer going to be sent. But she told me that while she liked getting my money that she didn't need it... but the money was also the only benefit she derived from our association.

So Kelsey was saying what I already knew... that she didn't really like me and that corresponding with me was only a necessary chore that she would endure to keep the payments coming. So I really thought she would have more of a flip attitude about my departure and be glad to get gifts for nothing if I was stupid enough to send them. However, the deletion of her wishlist just makes me think that there were some feelings involved and that I hurt her. I'm sorry, Kelsey. I love you but it just wasn't working and it was never going to. I simply cannot be made to feel that I'm forcing friendship on someone who does not welcome it. That is not making my mistress happy which is what I strive to do. She made me feel like I was bothering her so I left. And I gave it LOTS of time.

Sunday is opera day this week, Lucia. I'm taking my mom, she's a big opera buff. I'm a more casual fan and this one is not one of my favorites. I got booked to work on a movie Wednesday. I'll just be a driver in a traffic scene. It isn't much but I'll take what I can get. I sent Kelsey a small wishlist item with a note included telling her that I'd moved on. I said that I loved her but realized it would never work out and I wished her well. I actually had never written to tell her because I didn't want an ugly altercation and didn't think it would be like her to wish me a friendly farewell. But I'm sure she already figured it out. She had said something hurtful to me, too hurtful to even repeat here and I hadn't sent her anything since. I sent Rachael a little video outlining my general financial situation and plan going forward. I'm thinking long term with Rachael and want to make sure we are clear and agree on everything. I also sent her recently a type of servitude agreement. This is the closest thing I've ever had to a slave contract with anyone.

I haven't been getting much work this month. Tomorrow will be the 14th and I've only worked two days: one day on a TV show and one day on a commercial. This is not going to cut it. I don't need much, but I'd like 12 or 13 days a month. That would be a sufficient supplement to my rental income and allow me to serve Rachael properly and a little to send to a couple of others.

I'm not worried about this month because I did well last month and paid some bills ahead. So I've already given Rachael two payments and should be able to give her more near month's end so that she can have fun on her visit to Rome in early April. But things are going to be slow in April unless work picks up the second half of March. If it doesn't then I may have to consider seeking another income source.

When I ended things with Kelsey I was sort of shopping around a little bit before realizing that Rachael was what I wanted and needed. I mean, I always knew that I wanted and needed her but wasn't sure if she was all I needed. Most of the other women I talked to were strangers. The only one I talked to that I had sort of had a correspondence with for a while was Annabell. She would have done fine but I have genuine feelings for Rachael. But I want to stay friendly with Annabell and send her a little. Her birthday is next month. But that will be after Rachael's trip, which is my top priority right now as far as getting money together. She had a very good time in Rome last time and it helped point her in the right direction for the future. I want her to have an equally good time this time.

I wrote Elaine, my ex-real time mistress, to tell her that she'd have to either start paying a third of the phone bill or get her service. I haven't heard back from her. This places me in a difficult position because I don't want to just cancel her phone service without hearing from her. She knows that as a submissive male that I have an extremely difficult time taking a hard stand against a woman, any woman, and she is exploiting that. But there is no earthly reason for me to keep paying for her phone service. I want to give my money to women who actually pay attention to me, like my beautiful little angel, Rachael.

A little good night video from Rachael last night sent by Instagram private message... what a wonderful surprise. She's so lovably cute.

Rachael was a friend and played a secondary role for a long time while Kelsey got 80% of what I had to offer. I am very glad that I am now able to pay her back. She will get the lion's share. And most of the others that I usually used to send gifts to have been scratched off of my list because we had almost no contact. I send something to Amy a few times a year and this other woman, Annabell, has been friendly with me for years. All of these women live in Scotland, including Kelsey. I must have a thing for Scottish women.

I am getting ready to cut the last tie with my previous real time mistress, Elaine. I still carry her on my phone plan. She has not talked to me in about 15 months. I just wrote her and told her that she would have to make arrangements for her own phone service.

So it is possible that Rachael will get more from me than Kelsey did because there are fewer women to whom my money is being distributed. Annabell has moved to #2 but is nowhere close to what Rachael was to me when I was serving Kelsey. Rachael was my friend while I was serving a mistress that almost completely ignored me. I should have gone back to Rachael a year ago. I've had more fun with Rachael in this short time than I had with Kelsey in 20 months. I really feel I owe her... but I also love her. I am not serving her out of guilt.

Two other women, Vany and Mariah, that I served in recent years are also off of my gift list. Those two are Americans but neither has written me in over a year. I sent them both gifts for considerable periods after my servitude ended, especially Vany.

Up early and I just applied for a rush call that was put out for guys age 30 to 50 to play FBI agents on a TV episode. I'm only slightly outside of that age range. I hope I get called. I only worked two days last week and one of those was a rush call.

I've had a vacancy in one of my rental units for the last couple of months but I think I have it rented. I have six of them but the rent from the first four pays the mortgage on them. The last two provides the positive cash flow... and I need some more cash to flow to my mistress for her upcoming trip.

The annual Crescent City Classic 10K road race is in a few weeks. I'm not running this year. I'm highly competitive with myself and don't run unless I have a good chance of setting a personal best... or what I now call my over 40 best. I'll never run as fast as I did in my 20s even though I'm in overall better shape. I was 148lbs in college, now I'm 160. I've got more upper body muscle but that doesn't make you run faster.

I applied for this job over 30 minutes ago and haven't gotten called yet. They said they needed people asap. So with each passing minute my chances of getting called go down significantly. For these extra jobs you are hired one day at a time and they mail paychecks about 3 weeks later. So this is about the last day in March that I could actually work and hope to get paid this month. This is not a big deal in the long run but in the short run I want as much as possible to help Rachael have a good time in Rome.

I normally don't apply for jobs where I have to drive 50 miles, but I did a little while ago because it sounded like fun. I may get to be a zombie in a movie they are shooting in Baton Rouge. This was a late notice. It came out tonight that they need people for 7am tomorrow. I haven't been contacted yet but I think it would be fun.

I finished Rachael's little exercise video. She wanted me to do it with chains on, and i would have except that my sister was at the house and I was working out on the patio. I didn't want to have to explain why I was exercising wearing handcuffs and a chain around my neck.

Rachael let me know that I absolutely won't have to worry about having a big bank balance. She is going to be an active and demanding money taker and plans to have all sorts of fun with my money on her trip to Rome next month. I find that so erotic. My suffering is a turn on as long as my mistress is being pleased. Kelsey was much more passive. I simply sent payments and gifts and heard little back about it.

Life will not be boring serving Rachael. Today I am making her a short exercise video. I love assignments. Two of my previous mistresses, Maria and Melissa, used to give me assignments. Kelsey never gave me any.

I only had one real time mistress, Elaine. I used to clean house, do yard work, run errands, etc. But she lived in close proximity. There is an ocean between me and Rachael. So more creativity is required to find ways to get use out of me. One reason that financial dominaiton is more of an online thing is that it is one of the few ways that a slave can actually be useful online.

I am just so pleased. I really thought that I would need two mistresses but I think Rachael is going to work out fine. She can be more than just a spoiled princess. She can also be dominating and demanding while still being able to be friends. It is such a relief because I would have had to have 12 to 15 short term encounters with various dommes before finding one that I could even start to try to build something with. Rachael knows my entire history already, we have a history, I'm comfortable with her. It is perfect.

Oh, God, Rachael is so much fun already.

I have to be ready to tell Kelsey that although I love her we can never be more than friends. I can't serve her again. And since I don't think she really likes me, that is also unlikely. I've made a commitment to Rachael.

I have journals that I keep in other places. I have workout journals, diet journals, and others with personal thoughts on what ever. Because of an error of mine, Kelsey found the one that is the most private some time ago. I still keep it but because I know she has access I do not write things there that I think might hurt her feelings. So, although I never actually did tell Kelsey that it is over and that I'm now serving Rachael, I know that she knows.

When things blew up with Rachael the first time, over three years ago, it was mostly because I told her that I was going to try to contact her parents. Lots of people thought this was really out of line, and maybe it was. But I will say now that I really, truly, thought that she was suicidal. Maybe she was, maybe not. But I thought the life of a young girl was at stake. I would not have done anything like that out of spite. Rachael has not only recovered, but she is more mature now and knows me better. I hope she understands what it was that I was feeling back then.

Kelsey was also very depressed and was drinking a lot. She had a complete break down and was under psychiatric and medical care for a good while. She lost her job, flunked out of uni, and separated herself from all of her friends, deleted her entire facebook, etc. I worried that she may be suicidal as she would tweet stuff like, if I die I don't care. I corresponded with her through her recovery, her return to school. She has an extreme anxiety condition and is afraid of everything. But I saw her progress to the point where she could move away from home and into her own flat. This was an enormous step. She's back in school and has gotten through her first three semesters at uni. But as she emerged from the confines of her bedroom and moved out into the real world she had increasingly less use for me. This didn't happen with Rachael. She has recovered and we are better friends now.

Kelsey is no longer in a depressed state but she still has an anxiety disorder. But I can't see her as a fragile doll that is going to fall apart without my attention. She said some very ugly things to me and I don't know if I'll ever recover from them.

I did not intend to get on here today and start writing about her. But she just posted a new pic on instagram and since I am one of her very few followers I thought she might be getting ready to contact me. I have to be prepared. She knows that I still love her and have a weakness for her. But she absolutely is not going to get me to leave Rachael again. With Rachael I am starting to build the type of relationship that I always wanted to have, the best that is possible with an online mistress and not in a live setting.

OHHH... back to reality. I just got a notice that Rachael has posted a private instagram video message to me!!!!! I also have to make an exercise video for her today. No more time for depressing memories. I have to run and see Rachael's message :)

Rachael is more wild than I imagined. I will never be bored. I have a difficult video assignment. But to amuse my mistress I will obey. I must obey. Rachael is also making a trip to Italy next month. It is also my job to come up with more spending money to enhance her enjoyment of this trip. This is so exciting. I can't believe that this is what my life is now going to be like.

I think that I am starting to feel an addiction to Rachael. I wanted this to happen and I think it is starting. I got just a tiny taste of domination from her and now I can't wait for more. I woke up thinking about her. That big heavy stone that was sitting on my stomach (and this is literally what heartbreak feels like to me) seems to already be gone.

Today is an important day. I am now joined back with Rachael, my little angel. I met her in late 2011 and I really didn't think she would be alive at this point in the future. But she has made a full recovery from depression, drugs, and alcohol and is now doing very well studying law. I am so happy and proud of her. And I am proud to be serving her. I believe that she can now be more than just a spoiled princess. I think she can be a dominant over me in the way that I need, in the way that makes me feel secure. I'm a little puppy that has just been adopted by a loving new owner. But I will be more than a little puppy. I will be a work dog and do all that I can to please her.

I will do my best not to dwell on Kelsey, from whom I just left. I have been serving a cold brick wall for nearly two years now. Maybe there is still a warm soul behind the wall, maybe not. But one thing is for certain, I was never going to see it. I turned away from the cold brick wall and turned to warm open arms... what a no brainer. What took me so long?

I sent Rachael a sort of agreement so that we could try to make clear what to expect of each other. She had no problem with the things I'd written and, to my delight, she immediately starting giving orders. My first task was to change my profile here. I took down the profile and am writing a new one. She also told me to change the profile picture to one that was just the same except holding a sign proclaiming her as my owner. I had made the last one over two years ago. Luckily I stayed in shape or that task would have been embarrassing.

I am getting very excited in anticipation of her order to send money. I hope to serve her a for a very long time, and to still be friends if it ever ends. I don't plan on ever ending it but there is no telling what the future may hold for her. Her next boyfriend may not like the idea of her having an online slave and our relationship would have to then change. But if that ever happens I will understand, even though I won't like it. Right now I am going to enjoy the present, obey her commands, and feel like a slave again for as long as it lasts.

Negotiations have begun. If all goes well I will soon again be under Rachael's control. This is exciting. This time I just want to make sure that we are clear from the start what we expect of each other. And if things can't be worked out I hope we can remain friends forever.

I more than likely will be serving Rachael again. I feel guilty any time I talk to anyone else, which means I must feel some sort of commitment on a subconscious level. I feel like writing her all the time but I'm trying to restrain myself so that I don't get on her nerves.

Of course, writing Kelsey once a week got on her nerves. She would have preferred I just send money and gifts and never contact her at all. I should try not thinking about her because I don't want to be angry, and it is hard not to be angry... really, really hard.

The Kelsey that I really love is the person she was in the first few months I knew her. She was open with me, we exchanged lots of DMs on twitter every day, she was supportive of me. But that person died over two and a half years ago and was replaced by someone very cold and distant. And I waited patiently, thinking that the Kelsey I loved was still there some place and would eventually come out again.

I'm wondering if anyone actually takes interest in profiles that have either no photos or have photos that don't include a face. I suppose it is possible. I find self-confidence attractive. When I see no photo I assume that the person lacks both physical attractiveness and self-confidence. It is hard to imagine a profile that is otherwise so compelling that one would begin a dialog with the promise that they will see pictures at a later time. The first woman I served online was middle aged, very overweight, and not very attractive. But I did see both pictures and videos of her before hand which allowed me to construct the type of fantasy that would work with her. I do have completely different types of fantasies for different body types, ethnicities, and ages. Had I first begun some sort of dialog and then seen her pictures later I think it may have been a huge turnoff. I most certainly would have created a fantasy of a much more attractive person and had a great disappointment.

If I have failed to continue a long dialog with someone who contacted me here, and that dialog looked like something that may have lead to eventual servitude, this could be the reason.

I will say that the only two women that have been seriously on my mind are Kelsey, from whom I just separated, and Rachael, my previous mistress who I think more about every day. I am actually trying to think up scenarios that Rachael will fit into that would meet all my needs, and then also hope that she is comfortable with those scenarios.

I am a submissive and don't really like to top from the bottom, even though I like a mistress to be a certain way. This is why I usually search for a woman who is naturally what I want because I don't want anyone putting on any unnatural act for me. I want her to tell me what SHE wants, but I want that to already be what I want because she has been carefully selected.

I made the mistake in real life of having a relationship, a very long one, with a "switch". I don't know if I really believe in such people, just as I'm not certain that I believe in bisexuality. Maybe it is possible, but I think everyone has one natural inclination. I was serving a submissive who was trying to put on a dominant act for me. I never really satisfied her and I could tell she was trying to get me to dominate her. I just can't do it. I can't put a woman in restraints, or take a whip to a woman. We eventually became just friends and I started seeking to have my fetish needs met online. Our friendship also ended because I think that she was hurt when she discovered my online activities.

Just verbalizing my thoughts to Rachael has been great therapy. While I'm not feeling great, I'm feeling considerably better. And conversing with all the other people who have written to me has helped as well.

I have done more reading on Kelsey's anxiety disorder. I see now that it made little difference whether she liked me, hated me, or was indifferent to me. I would have been hurt just the same as they hurt anyone who tries to get close to them. They have defense mechanisms to protect their own feelings, and these defense mechanisms hurt others.

In self analysis I think it is apparent that I am attracted to troubled souls and that the empathy I feel for their struggles causes me to form very strong emotional bonds, stronger than the bonds I seem to be able to form with people who are in a good state of mental health. I hope that I can move beyond this because I am very weary from a lifetime of dealing with very troubled people. I feel I've paid my dues for more than a lifetime in that department.

I didn't want the burden of carrying the anger in my heart. So, in my heart, I have forgiven Kelsey. I don't think things can ever go back to the way they were. But I will go forward in my life and not carry any resentment or I'll will towards her. I sent Rachael a wish list item and another ?30. I hope she doesn't mind. I am not using her as a Kelsey substitute. I've been sending Rachael stuff regularly for a long time. But I have a little more to spend right now because Kelsey didn't get any February money. I am unsure of what I feel and what I want.

This may be a long journal entry as I have much to say. I have been thinking and rethinking things. I have been trying to figure out what it is I feel.

If Kelsey contacts me again I am going to attempt to resist submitting to her. But this is very much the same as an alcoholic that is trying to go sober. What happens if you put a drink in front of him. I am addicted to Kelsey the same way. I know that she is not good for me. But I crave any type of contact with her. I can't get her out of my head and I hate it... and it hurts. I am essentially a drug addict and she is my drug of choice. I'm not getting my fix and I am going through a very bad withdrawal. It is horrible.

I've been thinking about the different types of submissives and slaves, especially those types involved in online financial domination. Now, I know that many people in the bdsm crowd do not think that the entire idea of online relationships, and financial domination in particular, is a legitimate fetish. If you are one of those, I can only ask who you think you are to define what is legitimate. I feel what I feel, I need what I need, and what turns me on is no less legitimate than any other kink.

I admit that there are fake dommes and content characters. You read some ads that are trying to be all things to all people. They think that every submissive thinks of himself as a loser and wants to be called a bitch. They think that all subs have a foot fetish. They think that all male subs are cross-dressers and sissies and closet bisexuals. They don't know the difference between a slave type and a sugar daddy type.

As for myself, I consider myself masculine, not a sissy or loser, and I have no homosexual tendencies. I believe in female superiority. I don't like to be called "bitch" because I worship females and this is using a female term as derogatory.

As for slave vs sugar daddy: A sugar daddy is usually, but not always, an older guy who takes great pleasure in spoiling pretty young women. A slave is more apt to want a strong dominant woman who will use and abuse him. These are not the same thing. But I have BOTH fetishes. They are not combined, but I have both.

I have always been a slave and been turned on by dominant women. I did not even know that I had sugar daddy type tendencies until I met Rachael. I fell in love with her instantly and wanted nothing other than to make her happy, to give her money and gifts. It really was not a domination thing. My need to be dominated took a back seat because my feelings for her were so strong.

But here is the thing: Unlike the slave fetish, for the sugar daddy type thing to work with me I have to have very strong feelings for the object of my attention . And I have to feel that there is some sort of mutual fondness. Whether she thinks of me as a friend, an uncle, or what ever, is not that important. But I have to feel there is something there between us. I think I have this with Rachael. She makes me feel liked and wanted. And if it is an act then she is a damn good actress.

With Kelsey, because of her mood swings, I actually had both. Maybe that's one reason she got such a strong hold on me. Sometimes she was super sweet, and sometimes she was a bitch. But this was over a year ago, really over two years ago. Her recent attitude toward me has been one of nearly total disinterest. She generally would send a very short, polite, reply to my emails... a day or two after she got them. Her replies were often no more than a couple of words, and never more than a couple of sentences. She NEVER wrote to me if I had not first written to her, and she NEVER used my name. I can look over the last year and she didn't say "David" once, nor any other type of pet name. I was essentially a person with no identity.

So, as Kelsey was not really dominating me I would have to say that it became sort of a sugar daddy type of relationship. But here is the problem: Kelsey did not think of me as a dad, or a brother, or a cousin or uncle. She did not think of me as a friend or college professor, or older confidant. She did not think of me at all. I was a total zero, nothing. There was no mutual fondness. It was only my feelings for her.

For a while I thought that Kelsey was being distant because she thought that I was making romantic advances and she wanted to make it clear that she did not have those types of feelings for me. So I tried to make it clear to her that I had no wish to be her husband or boyfriend.

I wrote Kelsey a fairy tale featuring her as Princess Kelsey. I put considerable thought into it and it came straight from my heart. It was both my fantasy and an expression of the type of love I really feel for her. Many of you may have read it as I got a few letters from people here who enjoyed it. But I think it meant little to Kelsey. There was one major problem with it: In the story, Princess Kelsey had a great fondness for her servant. But the real Kelsey actually feels nothing at all for me.

So without the mutual fondness the sugar daddy type thing wasn't going to work for me. But if she took a dominant role it would work. You see, with my slave fetish fantasies I do not have to have a mutual fondness with my mistress. She can dominante and control me and it doesn't matter if she hates me. It is still a turn on. So I attempted to have her take on more of this type of role. Instead of me simply sending her a tribute at the start of each month I wanted her to write to me, or send me an invoice, telling me that I had to send her money. She said ok but that she would probably forget. Well, she didn't do it but it was not because she forgot. The fact is that if she wrote or did anything without a prompt from me it would show that she actually thought about me. And I think she was conveying to me that there was not a second during the day when I entered her thoughts. She told me she didn't need my money but would rather spend my money than her own, so what ever...

So, neither the slave nor the sugar daddy type thing is going to work with her.

Rachael will fulfill at least half of what I need. I love her and making her happy makes me happy. I don't know yet what I am going to do about my other fetish needs as I don't see Rachael as a strong dominant type. Last night I went to a pay fetish site. I used to sometimes go to niteflirt. This was a different one but the same idea. I chatted with a domme who was strong and ordered me to send her money. I sent some, not that much. But I thought that this experience was going to give me some relief from the withdrawal I'm feeling. It did absolutely nothing for me. I would get much greater pleasure looking over Rachael's Amazon list and picking out some things to send her, which is probably what I will do today.

I don't know quite what I am going to do. But for sure, I am not going to commit fully to another online mistress for a long time... until I know that I'm fully over Kelsey.

Some people think this site is a waste of time. But there are lots of nice people here and I am glad to be part of the community. I really appreciate the letters of support I've gotten during what is a rather difficult time for me.

I try to pretend to myself that I'm okay, but who am I kidding. I'm totally crushed. Why do I love this person who has given me almost no attention for many months? I wish I didn't.

I don't know where things are going with Kelsey. She has made it pretty clear that she only wants my money and that she doesn't really need it, but is glad to take it. She is no longer in a state of depression, she is at uni, she has friends, etc. She is in good physical and mental health and I don't have to worry about her.

I don't care if she is nice or mean. She can be my friend or she can dominate me. But I am not into the ignore fetish. I am not going to send her money while she essentially ignores me. So... unless she starts doing something it is going to be over. She doesn't want to ask for or demand money, she just wants me to send it. And then she doesn't want to engage me in conversation or anything. I love her and am addicted to her, but unless things change I have to make a change. The ball is in her court.

Rachael will be a part of my life for as long as she wants.

Oh God, it hurts so bad already. I tried so hard.

Well, I'm back from my road trip. It was mildly profitable but I hoped for better. After I pay some bills and see where things stand I will send Kelsey and Rachael some gifts. They both have the same Nintendo 3DS game on their lists. I might do that.

My dog, Ginger, might get another chance to be on TV. She was used in the Gramatik video that was shot at my house but her parts were cut from the final version. I was now contacted by the casting agent for a TV show who is doing a scene where a French man is walking a dog. So I might be on that show with Ginger. I submitted the pictures they asked for.

Kelsey has not replied to my last three emails. I'm not sure what is going on. She also did not acknowledge the gifts I sent for Valentine's. This time I have served her for 20 consecutive months, a great deal longer than I ever served anyone online for a continuous stretch. I served her for two shorter periods, with Mariah and Rachael in between those when she did her disappearing act. She made me hurt two people. If she is gone again I simply can't commit to serving anyone full time for a long time because I know what would happen if Kelsey suddenly wrote to me again. It is really pathetic how much I love her. It doesn't make any sense. And she made me live with the guilt I still feel for leaving Rachael, who I also love in a somewhat different way.

I'm getting kind of depressed now and trying not to dwell on this. I have to try to keep active.

My road trip got postponed a couple of days because the hotel was booked up for Fri and Sat. So it'll have to be four nights starting Sunday. I'll start the drive on Saturday. But I did get a job for tomorrow working on a new show, which I would have had to decline if I left tomorrow.

Rachael got the boots I sent her for Valentine's Day. I can't control the exact delivery date. I don't think Kelsey got the stuff I sent her yet.

I'm feeling good right now. If I can make my girls smile then I'm doing okay. I'm not currently seeking a real time relationship... perhaps one day. It just would not fit in with my current life. But online servitude works okay, at least for me.

I probably worked my last day before my planned road trip later this week. Yesterday was one of my best parts as an extra. I'm usually just somebody sitting at another table at a restaurant or walking by in the side walk, or in a crowd. But this was a more featured part. I still got no lines but I was a sort of body guard for a presidential candidate and was standing at his right shoulder as he gave the speech on stage and then escorted him through the crowd before he was shot. They usually use much larger and younger men for these security/body guard type parts. I was surprised they asked me. I think I was asked because the main actor is not big so they didn't want a huge guy who would make him look small.

I'll be leaving for six days on Thursday. I hope my mother has sufficiently recovered to be without me for a short period. My sister will be here some of the time. I expect the house to be a disaster when I get back. But I can't devote my entire life to caring for my mother and I can't afford to hire a full time aid.

Kelsey has two 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles on her wishlist. Maybe I just look for things to worry about. But I'm thinking that she does zero socializing. I don't think friends are getting together to do a 1000 piece puzzle. I know that she completely cut herself off from the friends she hung out with in high school. It is a shame that she tells me so little about her life that I have to look for these clues, which may mean nothing. I seriously don't think she's gone out with a guy since she broke up with her boyfriend three years ago, but I could be wrong about that too. I want her to be happy and I feel rather helpless.

I just ordered some Valentine's gifts for the girls. I got Kelsey some reverse belly bars, some sort of belly button jewelry. They are very sexy. I'm not going to say what I ordered for Rachael because she sometimes reads this journal and I'd rather it be a surprise.

Below I made three attempts at video journal entries. The audio was so terrible and skipped so much that I gave up and just started writing stuff on a dry erase board. Anyway, this verifies that I am who I say I am. I may try again to do just an audio journal and see if that comes out any better. But I'll probably just stick to my regular text journal updates.

I feel good about how things are going with Rachael. I wish I had a better idea about how things are going with Kelsey. They seem okay, but then they seemed okay when she had a complete breakdown. I wish she would let me inside of that wall she has built around herself, just a little bit.

Most of my jury duty days are now done. I went through the questioning for two cases so far, a murder case and a drug case. I'm glad I was not selected for either. I have to go again tomorrow, then I'll be done for two years. Last time I was actually on the jury for two cases.

All I have to do to get in a good mood is read Rachael's tweets. I've had the giggles for five minutes.

Jury duty today and Wednesday. I had to postpone a trip for this and will also miss two days of possible work... then Mon and Wed of next week too. Great finish to the Super Bowl, unless you're a Seattle fan. That was a very entertaining game.

Katy Perry at halftime :)

Well, I don't think I'll have to worry about the dilemma that I mentioned in the previous journal entry. When I suggested that we first simply exchange a short video message to verify that we are who and what we claim to be and what we'd expect in a skype session this person seemed to lose interest. It was probably a guy pretending to be a woman.

I will, of course, delete this comment and apologize if this turns out not to be the case. But lots of misrepresentation goes on around here.

I got up in the middle of the night to watch the finals of the Australian Open, which lasted over three hours. I was pulling for Andy Murray because he is from Scotland, as my girls are. He played well the first two sets and I think his skill level is as good as Djokavic but he's not as fit and was pooped out after the first two sets. Djokavic, despite injury, looked fresher. The 3rd and 4th sets were not competitive and Djokavic won easily.

So today is Superbowl Sunday. The cheating scandal by New England sort of takes the wind out (no pun intended) of my enthusiasm for the game. I don't like Seattle as they are also cheaters but I know have a hard time cheering for New England. But I will watch and I will be for New England.

I got a message today from a stranger that wants to skype. She is not a financial domme, just talking about regular domination/bdsm stuff. I'm considering it. She lives in California so there is no danger in it becoming real time live. I have to consider whether I'd consider this cheating. My relationship with Kelsey is not really sexual or kinky in any way. The best way to describe it is that I'm some sort of uncle who corresponds with and send gifts to his favorite niece. My relationship with Rachael is much the same. I love them both but it is really quite innocent. I have not experienced any type of physical domination since my relationship with Elaine ended, and I do still have fantasies about it.

What to do, what to do... I don't know if I feel comfortable even discussing this with Kelsey. Some time back a woman wrote to me here and wanted me to ask my mistress if she could rent me. Kelsey said no and had no interest in discussing it with this woman.

What surprises me about the current request is that it is from a young woman. She lists herself as 28. Most such requests that I get are from gay guys (despite the fact that I state clearly in my profile that I have no interest in men) and middle aged women.

This week I sent stuff to Kelsey and a birthday gift card to Amy. And today I just sent two items to Rachael, a book and a little dress. Rachael got another pet rabbit and posted a pic of it. A short time later she wrote that it had already died. That's too bad. Rachael needs something to cheer her up a little after her recent break up. I hope she's okay.

I just spent 15 minutes on. journal entry only to hot something wrong and have it disappear. I'm too tired now to retype it. So, good night, folks.

Oh lord, 13 hours on the movie set yesterday and I wasn't used in one scene. So boring. And I had to be here at 7:30am. today. I'm supposed to be a security guard on a space station. It should be a fun movie to watch, though.

After more than three years of written correspondence, I had my first voice conversation with Rachael, my little angel. I got to hear her lovely Scottish accent. It means a great deal to me that she felt close enough to me to discuss such a personal matter. Rachael had the strength to end a relationship that was going to do nothing but drag her down. I am very relieved.

I was rather shy growing up. I went to an all boys high school and didn't even start dating until I was 22. It was at that age that I met Joyce and got involved in my first real relationship. She was aggressive as I never would have initiated anything. She was five years older than me and got herself a hold of a naive young guy.

Joyce had little education but was street smart. She had a rough upbringing in the Hispanic part of Chicago. She is Puerto Rican. She had been raped by her uncle when she was eleven. She had numerous mental problems. She was a paranoid schizophrenic, a drug addict, and an alcoholic. She lived on the streets since she was 16. She had multiple suicide attempts.

I grew up in an educated household, both my parents had advanced degrees. My father was a university administrator. I was in my 4th year at the university and getting near graduation. We came from completely different worlds.

I thought I could help Joyce. I got her off of illegal drugs but she was just as happy with preion drugs, which she somehow was able to get a hold of. I tried to get her to stop drinking, which turned her into a wild monster. I got her enrolled in AA a couple of times. When nothing worked I tried to break up with her. The problem was that my mother is an alcoholic and they had become drinking buddies. When I thought I had broken up with her I would go to my mom's to find Joyce there drunk. I couldn't get her out of my life.

Joyce's mother and sister cared for her a while and I was lead to believe that she had mostly recovered. Joyce moved in with me in a house I was renting and things continually got worse. Her paranoia worsened. I would come home to find furniture pushed in front of all the doors. When I came in she pulled a knife and said, "stay away from me mother fucker". She was insane.

She had multiple suicide attempts, as I mentioned previously. But now she told me that not only would her next attempt be successful, but she would make sure to make it look like I had killed her and that I'd spend the rest of my life in jail.

Joyce's family thought that I was the savior who had finally taken her off of their hands. But I just couldn't do it anymore. I called up her parents, who were living in Florida, and told them that they would have to come get Joyce. I was moving out of the house and selling all of the contents. I was broke and would have to move in with my father. So Joyce had no recourse but to go with her parents when they came for her, all though there was a huge fuss involved.

This fiasco costed me ten years of my life. I was in my mid 30s when I graduated from the university.

This has all come back to me because of recent communication I got from Rachael. Her boyfriend has a variety of problems and is in a highly dysfunctional family. It breaks my heart to see Rachael living my life. I will be as supportive as I can. I hope he doesn't fuck up her life. If a woman wants to marry and raise a family she can't afford to waste her best years. She is having trouble concentrating and is having a very hard time getting to school and keeping up with her college work.

If I were her dad I'd probably blow my top and do all I could to get her away from this guy. But I'm her friend and I also understand what it is like. When you love someone you can't just wash your hands of it and walk away. This is going to be difficult.

Shit, Green Bay had that game in the bag. I'm not a Seattle fan. I was not really for New England but now I'll be pulling for them in both the AFC championship and the Super Bowl. I wanted to see a Super Bowl with Denver against Green Bay.

It is strange that I'm sexually attracted to strong dominate women but I fall in love with them after I see their fragility.

Saw Mama Mia last night with two of my sisters. It was great. But you'd prob only think so of you're an abba fan or a gay male. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's football games. I got notice of a new follower on Instagram and it was Rachael. I wonder how she found me.

Jan 15. Today is the three year anniversary of the day I first met Kelsey on Twitter. I was upset and heart broken over what was happening with Rachael. Kelsey had just broken up with her boyfriend and was somewhat depressed about it. We found comfort talking to each other. I didn't realize the extent of Kelsey's problems at the time and she would have a complete breakdown a short time later, lose her job, flunk out of school, and isolate herself from all of her friends. She has made a great recovery, is off of medications, and is now in her third semester at uni.

i still feel that she has not let me fully inside of that wall she has built around herself. But hopefully she feels a little comfort knowing that I'm there and I care for her. I often get frustrated when I don't get enough attention from her. But I understand the struggle that she is going through.

We did exchange several emails in the last couple of days and I sent her some gifts from her Amazon list. I also sent a few to Rachael, who told me she already got the law book. And I got Amy's birthday from Rachael so that I can send her an Amazon card. Amy and I don't really talk much but I occasionally send her little gifts on special occasions. It gave me comfort years ago to know that she was Rachael's friend and cared very much about her.

Oh, what a disappointment the Broncos were. That was no contest. I hope Peyton plays one more year.

Sunday's games: I'm for Green Bay and Denver. I will also be for Denver vs New England and for Green Bay vs Seattle in the conference championships. I'll then be pulling for Denver and our New Orleans boy, Peyton Manning, vs Green Bay.

Okay, some goodies ordered for Rachael. One law book and two small fun items.

Kelsey wrote me back, said she has just been busy studying for exams. Things would be easy for me if I didn't love her. Even when things are not going well with her I am too fearful of the months of pain I would go through if I left her.

Let me go see what I can order for Rachael. She always makes me smile.

I just got back in town and have tons of stuff to do. I have not heard a peep from Kelsey since New Years Eve. I only sent her a third of the payment I generally send the first week of the month, saying that I'd send the rest after I find out if she is alive and all is okay.

A repeat of last year. I write to Kelsey on New Years and ask if everything is okay and she just ignores me. She knew exactly what I was like from the start. I'm protective and I worry. Having a slave like me means that this is part of the package. It is really mean of her to let me worry like that when all she has to do is send me a little note.

In other places I guess people go to parties. In New Orleans the party is out in the streets. But I'm staying home in the warm house, no crazy French Quarter for me. My girls are adults now and I'm not overly worried. Rachael will be with her boyfriend. I don't even know if Kelsey is dating anyone or if she is going out tonight. She doesn't share a great deal with me. If she is not going out I worry that it will be depressing for her seeing others out having fun. I'm not worried about her safety but I always worry about her mental state. I think of myself in my late teens and early 20s, I remember the loneliness, and my eyes water as I think of Kelsey going through this.

20 pull-ups, baby! A new personal best even including my college days. The genetic freak keeps improving with age... except for the ugly old face.

My mother is at a physical rehab facility for a couple of weeks and my sister is staying here while her new house is being painted and getting other renovations. This means I have to endure her unending chatter.

I've about lost interest in the Saints for this season. I'm going out to run shortly. I'm not too concerned about missing part of their final game vs Tampa Bay.

Nothing else very interesting going on.

I got through a December better than I thought & was still able to send Kelsey a small late month payment in addition to her Cristmas gift. Rachael is back from Rome and had a great time. I sent Amy a little gift also, even though we very rarely talk. My mom is going to be in physical rehab for a couple of weeks. Work is slow now as TV & movie filming seems to have slowed down for the holidays. I'll be taking another Miami trip the 1st week of January to finish what we stated.

Merry Christmas, Collarspace.

Today is my third day in a row working on a documentary. doing scenes that are supposed to be from the 1920s. I'm supposed to be a really grubby looking outdoorsman, a trapper at war with the local currupt powers. So I don't have to shave. I was a bit clean cut on day one because I was a military officer the day before. I have to be there in about 90 minutes and my mom is trying to get me to do stuff around the house. Rachael leaves on her trip in a couple of days, to Rome, unless she has changed her plans. I sent her ?80 as an early Christmas present so she'd have a little more spending money. Kelsey still has not written me back, which means that she probably won't until I next write her. She never writes to me unless I've written her first. Either she just doesn't think of me or she doesn't want me to think that she likes me at all. Neither possibility is very good. It is a small wonder indeed that she has trouble maintaining relationships of any kind. But I feel for her because I had exactly the same kind of problem. But she had to learn to step outside of her comfort zone at some point, otherwise that little safe place just keeps getting smaller and smaller until you've shut the entire world out. I still have not found out the identity of the mystery gift sender.

I send Kelsey some money and a letter, a couple of days go by, and she doesn't write me back. I wonder if she knows how much this hurts my feelings. I wonder if she has any appreciation for how big of a deal it was for me to go back to her after I'd already started serving Rachael again. She really does make me feel like a puppy dog locked in a dark closet sometimes.

Reading Rachael's tweets I saw that she just went to a Gramatik concert. This is the act that shot a music video at my house earlier this year. I didn't think that Denis was actually at my house as they were shooting scenes and would later do music over them. But I didn't know what he looked like. Now I can see in pictures that he was actually here. He was trying to keep a low profile and did not introduce himself. They also used my dog, Ginger, in the video. But when the final video was out all of her scenes were completely cut out :( But the video did win first place at an independent film festival in which it was entered so he has immortalized my house. I'm jealous of Rachael getting to see them live in concert.

I have work for the next three days. Today I'm working on at TV show that is shooting scenes at the local race track. Saturday and Sunday I'm working on a documentary that is set in the 1920s. I've gotten a decent amount of work this month. Next week I'm going out of town on a gambling trip. My financial backer just got in touch with me last week about this. Hopefully I will do as well as I did on the trip he sent me on a few months ago.

I'm going to have to beg Kelsey for pictures. She used to post them all the time but hasn't in quite a few months. She mentioned she gained some weight but she must really not like the way she looks.

As soon as I can verify that my deposits have cleared I'm going to send Rachael an early Christmas present so that she has a little extra spending money for her coming trip.

Okay, I finally got a check for some work I did in November. I was worried this would not come in time for me to send Rachael something for Christmas before she left on her trip. I should be able to take care of that tomorrow.

I already sent Kelsey the usual early month tribute as well as a birthday gift. My early month bills are covered. Now I just have to take care of Christmas shopping for my family, which is lots of people.

I sent Rachael a skype video message, or attempted to, but I think it may not have sent. I'll eventually get that going. And when I get my courage up I'll ask Kelsey first about exchanging voice messages, then video messages, then eventually work up to live conversation. But I can't do this until I am emotionally prepared to handle the rejection. I'm doing okay right now and don't feel like getting hit with a canon ball. With Rachael it is just a matter of me getting over my shyness.

I've been thinking about the anonymous gift I got yesterday. I have narrowed it to three or four possible: Elaine, Melissa, and Rachael. These are all people who I was involved with rather recently and who know my address.

Okay, below was my second attempt at a video journal entry. It again appears to have come out terribly. I just played back and it looked like the video sticks and the audio is incomplete and not in time with the video. I don't know whether this is just my connection. I hope someone will send me a little not and let me know if it they were actually able to view it and it looked okay. Otherwise I won't try it again as it does not appear to work well.

Anyway, I posted it to show an anonymous gift that I got in the mail today from Hong Kong. This is really strange. Inside the package was a pink gift box with a ribbon. It was a small bracelet. There is no gift card and no indication anywhere of who might have sent this. But I will extend a general thanks. It is always nice to know that someone actually thinks about you.

The quality of the video journal entry I just made is extremely poor. The video is not great and the audio is terrible. I don't think it is my camera or microphone that is the problem as the videos I've made for YouTube come out much better. But I was curious how it would come out here and whether the entry would appear in sequence in my journal. If it did and the quality looked decent I thought I might do it occasionally. But if the next try is as poor as this one was I probably won't.

As the audio was so poor and probably couldn't be made out, I'll just repeat the content:

I'm not working today so I'm trying to catch up on some housework and exercise. I drove my mother and friends to an old lady luncheon. They need help getting in and out of cars, up stairs, etc.

I'm going to be taking a trip next week. My financial backer wants me to take a gambling trip. I was a professional gambler for many years and he sometimes backs my play, and I get a percentage without having to risk anything except my time. My main revenue source is rental income from my properties. But this provides just about enough for my bills and living expenses, not much more. I also have recently begun working as a television and movie extra. That does not pay a great deal but its fun. Perhaps if I one day get speaking roles I might make some money at it. Right now I'll be just like a guy sitting at another table in a restaurant, or a guy in a military uniform walking in the distance that doesn't say anything. Yesterday I was a guest at a wedding in an independent film.

Anyway, I'm hoping I can get some money together to take care of my mistress properly for Christmas, and also my little angel, Rachael, my previous mistress who I also love. Rachael is getting ready to take a trip to Rome.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season. Peace.

To honor my precious princess on her birthday I will repost the tribute fairy tale that I wrote for her as an expression of a slave's love for his mistress.

Princess Kelsey and Her Faithful Servant

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a little country that was ruled by a just king. The king had a big castle with many slaves and servants. He lived there with his son, the prince, and a special little girl, his daughter, Princess Kelsey.

From the time that Princess Kelsey was born her father made sure she had all that she wanted or needed. She had three servants assigned just to take care of her. Two of the servants were older women, who were her personal maids. They would help her with all her feminine needs. And she had a male slave also assigned to her who would take care of heavier details, bringing in fire wood, and always protecting her. This was slave David.

Slave David loved his little princess. She was the joy of his life and he would give his life in an instant to keep her from harm. When Princess Kelsey was a little girl David would watch with a close eye as she played outside. Sometimes he would bring her down to the village so that she could play with the peasant children, as there were none her age around the castle. The princess also liked to play alone often, and played make believe games. Slave David built her a swing down near a stream where she liked to play. He would also make her wooden toys. Princess Kelsey was very fond of her faithful servant and always felt safe when he was near.

Princess Kelsey’s older brother, the prince, was not a very nice fellow. He used to tease and make fun of the princess. This infuriated her servant, David, who had trouble restraining himself. One time, during his usual antics, the prince made his little sister cry. This was more than Slave David could take. Nobody dared make his little princess cry, not even the prince. David went after the prince like a wild animal. He shook him and threw him against the wall. He then yanked him up by the arm and threw him across the room. Guards had to restrain the slave. The prince had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm.

The guards put David into the dungeon and reported the incident to the king, who ordered that slave David would be executed. Princess Kelsey was extremely upset. She cried and pleaded with her father to spare the life of her loyal servant. She told her father that her brother was picking on her and that David was protecting her. The king was not a cruel or evil man and he knew that he had, in David, someone who would give his life to keep his daughter safe. So he spared the life of the lowly servant and sentenced him to 60 days in the dungeon. During this time slave David was released for only a couple of hours in the morning to do some hard physical labor and menial duties, after which he was again locked up. While he was out performing his chores in the morning the prince and his friends would call David names and throw rocks at him. David kept up his spirits during this time as he knew the 60 days would pass and he would then be back taking care of his little princess.

Slave David was released after only 30 days for good behavior. He brought Kelsey down to the stream and she was playing on the swing that he had made her. The prince stopped and was about to tease his little sister again. Slave David gave him one hard stare and the prince, remembering his last beating, never made fun of his little sister again.

On Princess Kelsey’s 8th birthday her father gave her a pony. The little princess loved the pony. David would put on the saddle and lift the princess on top of it when ever she wanted to go for a ride. Slave David didn’t ride but he jogged along close to the pony ready to catch the princess if she fell.

The years passed and Princess Kelsey grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Slave David was still there to serve her and she had a deep fondness for him. It didn’t matter how old he was or what he looked like because that had nothing to do with the special bond they shared. Slave David was totally in love with the princess. And, although he knew that he could never have her, he was perfectly content to just serve her, protect her, and do all he could to please her for the rest of his life. In fact, there is nothing else in the world that he really wanted to do.

Princess Kelsey’s beauty was no secret. Knights, foreign princes, and the sons of local business men all hoped to be invited to her coming out ball. It wasn’t long before the right fellow came along, Princess Kelsey fell in love, and got married. Her husband was not a knight or a prince, but the son of one of the local merchants who owned a dress shop in the village. He and the princess had exchanged glances in his father’s shop many times when her maids took her shopping for clothes in the village. She had a crush on this boy for years but they had not ever spoken until Kelsey had grown up. Kelsey was shy and this boy thought that his station in life precluded him from having any hopes with the princess. But Princess Kelsey was not a snob. She thought he was cute, nice, and the boy had also had a crush on her for years.

Although slave David was somewhat sad that his little princess had now grown up and was a married woman, he was still very pleased that she had found happiness with this boy and that he was very nice, clean, and respectful. David drove the coach on the day of their marriage.

The king was actually a little disappointed and didn’t think the boy was good enough for his daughter. He would have preferred that she had married the prince of the neighboring country. But Princess Kelsey had no interest in her father’s selection. She said that the foreign prince was good looking but was a complete prick and reminded her of her brother.

But the king accepted his new son-in-law and never made it obvious to the young man that he was not his first choice to marry his daughter. The king was very generous and gave Princess Kelsey and her new husband an entire wing of the castle, almost a third of the entire place. He also gave her a full 30 servants to care for her portion of the castle.

Slave David had proven his worth and was made the head servant in Princess Kelsey’s wing. In addition to guarding the princess and doing what ever she wanted, he also had to direct all of the other servants assigned to that portion of the castle. Princess Kelsey thought it was perfect.

Well, Princess Kelsey’s fairy tale life in the castle with her new husband did not last long. Shortly after her marriage, sadly, her father, the king, passed away. Princess Kelsey was not even out of mourning for her father’s death before her brother, who was now king, began to strongly exert his authority. He decided that his sister did not deserve to have a third of the castle and a staff of 30 servants. Kelsey was given a rather small two room suite to share with her husband. She now had only two maids, the same two that were with her from birth and who were now quite elderly, and slave David.

Life in the castle was unpleasant under her brother’s rule. It was noisy as he was always throwing wild parties. And he was always making new rules to which all had to abide. Life was very bad for slave David, who the king hated. He never forgot the incident of David beating him up when he was a young lad. So each night, as soon as Kelsey had gone to bed, slave David had an additional 3 or 4 hours of chores to do that the new king would create just to make the poor servant’s life miserable.

Princess Kelsey was not very happy with life in the castle any longer. One of her personal maids died and the other was sickly and not able to do much. Her brother did not assign her any new servants. So, Kelsey decided that she and her husband would move out of the castle and live in a house on the country side, not far from the village.

Princess Kelsey got all her things packed up to move. But her brother told her that more than half of the things that she had packed up were the property of the royal palace and she could not take them with her. She screamed, “I don’t need anything!” So Kelsey and her husband left almost empty handed. But Kelsey did bring along her loyal servant, David. She would need him to help set up the new house. Also, she knew that her brother hated David and that life would be very difficult for him if she left him there. In fact, she even feared for his life.

There was a lovely abandoned house near the stream where Kelsey used to play as a child. But it needed lots of work. Slave David worked hard to get the place in shape. There was another small building outside where David’s quarters were to be. Kelsey’s father-in-law, the well-to-do merchant from the village, helped out also and bought a cow, some chickens, some horses, and a few other animals. Kelsey’s father-in-law died soon after and her husband inherited the shop, where he would go during the day. They were not rich, but the shop provided more than enough money to provide them with a very comfortable living.

Kelsey was quite happy with her new peaceful life. Slave David worked the grounds, took care of the animals, and he was very happy to still be a part of the life of his precious princess. He did anything she asked of him.

Kelsey had three children. David guarded her children with his life the same as he did for Kelsey when she was a child. But around the time of her oldest child’s sixth birthday, sadly, Slave David passed away.

It was a sad day. Kelsey had her faithful servant buried near the stream, not far from the swing that he had built for her when she was a young child.

Many more years have now passed and Kelsey’s children are almost grown. But Kelsey still often thinks of her faithful and loyal servant, David, who devoted his life to serving her, and she has fond memories of him.

The End

Happy Birthday, Princess Kelsey. I hope you have a wonderful day. Your happiness means so much to me.

On set again today after 15 hours yesterday. I'm just some sort of inspector with a clip board and the space station starts blowing up. This movie won't be out till 2016. Kelsey's BD is in a couple of days. I was thinking it was today but it is on the 6th. Some girl I sent gifts to about 30 years ago had a Dec 3 birthday. Strange that I still remember it. Four sisters lived across the street from me and I sent them all stuff from a "secret admirer". I already spent a day moving furniture for my sister and now I hope to be working or hiding out before being solicited for more help.

Rachael added me as a Skype contact and is online. OMG, I'm nervous as hell. I don't know why. In three years all of our contact has been email and text only. It may seem odd to some that I could develop feelings for people while having only written correspondence... but I have. I've never had a voice conversation, much less video, with Kelsey or Rachael.

I'm about to go outside for a workout as the weather is quite nice. I've been waiting to see if I get a call to work on an evening shoot that I applied for. This particular place has yet to call me. They are doing some sort of Asian martial arts/ kickboxing movie and they're using extras as gamblers and fight spectators. Unlike most that mail checks weeks later, this place pays cash daily. So I really would like to work for them to get some more Christmas shopping money.

Happy Thanksgiving all. I'm in a better mood today. I was booked to work a couple of days on a movie, so that replaced half of the four days I lost by that last cancellation. Kelsey wrote yesterday and seemed to be in a good mood. She said she is working on getting her apartment decorated. I hope she'll take some pictures. Rachael suggested that I add her on Skype. That made me happy and I did. She has not yet confirmed. I'm going to my oldest sister's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It is a shame that some of my siblings are at war with each other so we have to have multiple family gatherings so they can avoid each other. Some of my family is going to a different gathering at my youngest sister's house.

I woke up just as angry as when I went to bed. They use a hundred extras per show. They could find a way to use people who were already scheduled to work that day.

I get a call at 8:30pm the night before that my part this week is cancelled as well as my four scheduled days of work. I have a new level of disrespect for this industry. They really treat the little guys like shit... much worse than Walmart, fast food places, or anything else.

I just got booked for the next episode which will be four days of work. But they pay so slow, usually 2 or 3 weeks for a check to come in the mail. Kelsey's birthday is Dec 3 and I was hoping to send Rachael something for Christmas before she leaves for Rome. She is visiting a friend during semester break. Ginger is still doing well on her medication and has been able to handle the stairs without much difficulty. My brother, Gil, who recently suffered separation from his wife had dinner out with my mom, my sister, & myself the other night. He seems to be doing better. Life is okay at the moment.

For anyone who views my profile, that pretty girl you see under my pic listed as a friend is the Rachael I often write about. She is my previous mistress and is quite special to me. I ran across her on Twitter about three years ago. She brought about a change in me and what online servitude means to me. Before Rachael it was just a game. The women I served were just names, often just content characters. I didn't have real feelings for them. But this troubled (at the time) 18 year old melted my heart. I loved her from the very first day we chatted. I probably got more involved with her problems than I should have and it lead to our parting ways. We didn't communicate for about a year. During this time I got involved with Kelsey, who was also going through problems, and she took over the part of my heart that Rachael once owned. Rachael and I have long since made peace and I feel very lucky to have her as a friend.

Thank you for the kind letters wishing my dog, Ginger, well. She is doing much better.

I just looked at Kelsey's Amazon wish list. She has added a £287 item (a hair removal system)... oh boy. Her BD is in a couple of weeks. I can't afford that right now. She usually only puts small items on her list because if I can afford to spend big she'd rather just get the money. But with Christmas and her Birthday on the way... it'll be an expensive December. I have a big Christmas list. My duty is to take care of my mistress first so I'll do the best I can. But I have my mom, six siblings, my 3 nephews, and Rachael to buy Christmas gifts for also. I used to send gifts to a few other ex-mistresses but I scratched them from my list as they don't really talk to me. Rachael is the only one I feel close to.

Even being a money slave I still find it a strange phenomenon the way I get sexually turned on by a woman creating difficulties for me. A normal guy and I both see a hot chick. We both get turned on. He is thinking about fucking her. But I'm thinking about her using me for her personal pleasure, amusement, or financial gain. There was a time when I would make fun of the fetishes of others. I no longer do because I realize how illogical mine is. I don't think I've had a fantasy of simply having sex with a woman for over 30 years. At least on this website people know that we're all weird. But I still see others making fun of financial domination and saying that it is not a legitimate fetish. I don't understand why getting a woman to hit you with a whip is more legitimate than having her taking your money.

This must be some kind of miracle pain medication. Ginger is running and jumping like a puppy. Rachael is now 21. It is just about three years since I first came into contact with her. She had just made 18. It was a very troubled time for her but she is on track now and I'm very proud of her. Kelsey's birthday is the first week of December, she is a also making 21. She also went through some tough times. Kelsey is also doing well and is now in her third semester at the university. But I think she has some deep seeded problems that she will not soon outgrow. She is a very difficult person but I love her.

I finally got my early November payment off to my mistress. Kelsey had a test today that she has been studying for. I hope it went well.

I have to be at work early tomorrow, 6:30am. This as an easy day. It is a movie shoot and I am simply a car that is driving by. They usually have a nice breakfast spread for early morning shoots. Unfortunately I have no more work scheduled for the rest of the week yet.

My dog, an elderly boxer, has been having a hard time. She has joint pain, especially in the hips. I had to carry her down the stairs this morning. I just got some medications from the vet. She is such a sweet dog.

I sent Rachael her birthday present even before I'd made my payment to Kelsey. But I felt really bad about not being able to help her last month. We had a short chat on twitter which made me feel much better. Now I have to collect some more rents and send Kelsey some money. I've never failed to send her at least ?100 by the 10th of the month but I'm running short now. The places I've been working for lately are very slow payers.

I'm not working today so I should try to catch up on my exercise. I've slacked off the last two weeks... five workouts in a two week span is really slacking for me. I gained a half pound and put an eighth of an inch on my waist. Today I will again start hitting it hard with a good HIIT full body circuit workout. Tomorrow I'll do a seven mile run, unless I get called for a job.

I got a part as a judge in the courtroom scene in what is a pretty big movie. I thought for sure it would be my chance to finally get a speaking role. But no, they have me just sitting there making facial expressions.

I've been a little bummed out. Rachael called upon me for help and I couldn't help her. I hate that. Hopefully I can make it up to her with a nice birthday gift.

I got through my first TV role okay and they called me back to be on the next week. I'm happy about that but I wish I could get more than one day a week of work. They don't pay a lot to extras but at least they feed you. I got three pretty decent meals.

Kelsey went home for the weekend as she has a dentist appointment on Monday and her mom, or mum as they say in the UK, will drive her to school afterwards.

I'm very concerned about my younger brother. His wife of ten years left him several weeks ago and he was hoping she would come back. She has been staying with her parents. But she just sent him word that she got an apartment and her dad and brother will be coming to the house to pick up some of the furniture.

Now he sees the finality of the situation and he is a total mess. I know how destroyed I was when a mistress that I knew only online ended things with me. I was depressed for months. But a woman who he's been living with, sleeping with, every day for ten years, someone he adores, is suddenly gone from his life. He must want to die. I can't even comprehend this. I will do all I can to give him support during this difficult time.

Birthdays are coming up for both girls... Rachael in mid November and Kelsey a few weeks later. I'll do my best to put smiles on their faces. Hopefully I'll get a few more jobs. My brother, who is basically a non-paying tenant in one of my rentals, has a disability hearing coming up later this month. Hopefully that will go well so I can start collecting some rent on that unit. A broke money slave is worthless.

The Saints just managed to blow an easily won game. But the weather is great, so not all is bad. I just had a good workout and then took my dog, Ginger, for a walk around the bayou. It is really nice out there right now.

A movie that was being shot in my area put a casting call on facebook looking for Roman soldiers. They said they needed guys from their 20s up to their 50s. My sister suggested I send in some photos. I sent some in. I didn't get called for the movie but they did ask me to come in for a costume fitting for a bit part on a TV show. I will refrain from saying the name of the show here. I was glad to get the little part and hope I will get parts as an extra in the future. My only regular income is from my rental properties and I don't want to get a regular job.

Today another of my sisters, the constant asker of favors, wants me to come help her administer tests for the MENSA group, for which she is one of the leaders in our area. She wanted me to go with her to Biloxi yesterday to see Ringo. I had to decline as I new I had to see the TV people yesterday.

Kelsey finally posted a new picture, but she blurred her face and put cartoon spots over her mouth and eyes. I am still glad to see any sign of life out of her. She is so introverted and so difficult to have any type of relationship with. I don't want to be her boyfriend or husband. I just want to be her slave. I think she may actually fear that showing much warmth to me would give me the wrong idea, thus she maintains distance... a greater distance than I like.

Rachael is always very easy to talk to. I'm very glad that she is still friendly with me.

Interval day @ track. I hate it but feel great afterwards 1st a fast mile, then 800m, then 400m, walk a lap between each. Then eight 150m sprints.

I am so out of touch with pop culture. I just looked at Rachael's Amazon list and I see a bunch of stuff having to do with "Attack on Titan". I have no idea what this is. I don't have much to spend now but I ordered her a couple of items.

Kelsey finally put her wishlist back up now that she has her own place. She didn't like having to explain the packages to her mom so she didn't want me sending stuff while she was living at home. She told me she put on a few pounds. Now I know why she hasn't posted pictures in a long time. It would not make any difference in the way I feel about her. I miss seeing her face. I know I didn't fall in love with her looks as every picture of her that I see she looks almost like a completely different person. I don't think I'd recognize her if I saw her on the street. My main concern is that she doesn't feel confident and good about the way she looks. That is a big deal for a girl her age.

I was happy to be of service to Rachael, my little angel, today. Kelsey knows that I still send small gifts to Rachael and she doesn't give me a hard time about it. I have served women that did not tolerate me talking with my previous mistresses. Kelsey is riding a bicycle to uni. I'm glad she's getting some exercise. And Rachael was going swimming today.

There was lots of traffic downtown one day last week and I just found that it was that One Direction was performing in the dome. We just had a minor celebration in New Orleans for the 50th anniversary of the Beatles concert in City Park stadium. Something tells me that nobody will be talking about the One Direction concert in 50 years.

My brother's wife of ten years just left him. He is such a nice guy and adores her. I can only imagine what he must be going through. Love really sucks sometimes.

Well, it wasn't much but I was able to send Kelsey and Rachael each a little money today. I feel so much better now. Kelsey is settled in her new place and I think classes start tomorrow. Rachael started a couple of weeks ago. I am so happy and proud of my girls.

Actually, I wasn't really sure what yes or no meant in the Scottish independence vote. I thought yes meant to remain part of the UK. Rachael and Kelsey both said they were voting Yes. Now I'm confused. The voters decided to remain with the UK. I hope there will not be any adverse consequences for my special people.

The big vote in Scotland... my online friends over there seem to want to remain in the UK. I hope it goes their way. We should know in a couple of hours.

I heard from Rachael yesterday, which was nice. I had been worried after not seeing her online much. But everything is okay.

Today's project: I experiment with setting cement for the first time. I saw at Home Depot that an 80lb bag costed less than $4. So I bought a couple of bags. Today I was online trying to find the correct ratio of water to cement. Everyone kept giving weight ratios and I wanted volume ratios. I had to weigh some cement mix and weigh some water to figure out the conversions. It is about 2:1, cement to water. So I mixed some up and pored into some jugs, sticking poles, or what ever, into the jugs as the first experiment. I kept checking back and it looked like nothing had happened. So now I googled how long it takes cement to dry. Apparently several days... oh brother. I should have looked that up first as I set this stuff up in a very inconvenient place, blocking my car and the garage door.

I haven't been online that much the last couple of weeks. Someone from 20 years in my past has popped up and started making trouble. Hopefully it will blow over.

Labor Day was nice. I went out to lunch with my mother and sister after visiting my sister's antique shop.

Rachael has started school and seems to like it very much. I hope I can send her a few gifts this month, although money is tight right now.

Kelsey's classes have not yet started this semester. She is gradually moving into her new place.

I am looking forward to the start of the regular NFL season. I have high hopes for the Saints this year.

A new show is coming out: New Orleans NCIS. This should be funny to those who live here. The method employed by New Orleans police is not too scientific. They take out guns and start shooting. If a suspect goes down they pump another 10 rounds for good measure.

It appears they have disabled the ability to insert links into journal entries. I wonder why. They are probably worried that people would use it to post unpaid advertisements.

An unlucky turn, traffic fines and a few other expenses. I won't be able to treat the girls as well in September as I did in August. But I should be able to manage at least a couple of gifts and Kelsey's early month payment.

It is sooo hot outside. It is about 94 right now with a heat index of about 100. I may have to do an indoor workout, which I don't ever feel is like really working out. I can't run, jump, move, which is what real exercise is about.

I was able to be of service to my little angel, Rachael, today. That gives me such a thrill. She has such a winning personality. It is impossible not to love her.

Tomorrow I have to go to court. I'm fighting a traffic ticket. I'm imagining myself in front of somebody like Judge Judy, which is frightening.

Kelsey told me about her flat. It is much bigger than I was thinking: two bedrooms, two baths, kitchen, and a living room/dining room area.

It was a somewhat stressful week for me at it appeared that my 20 year old nephew, who I haven't seen since he was eleven, was going to be moving in here. He is bi-polar and has other problems. I was very worried about the idea both of him being here at all and of my being able to ever leave my small, frail, 80 year old mother alone with this guy. Luckily, it turns out he will not be coming. He didn't want to come here in the first place but my brother, his father, cooked up this idea and had talked my mother into it.

Rachael is now registered for college. I'm quite happy about that. The plans and talking about it are done and now it is really going to happen. Kelsey does not start back for several weeks. She is gradually moving stuff from her parents house into her new flat. Things have been going okay for me so I've been able to send a steady stream of money and gifts, like a good slave should.

It is very hot, but there are supposed to be thunderstorms today. I better get out and workout while I have the chance.

Rachael and Kelsey are both pleased with me. I'm so happy right now. I feel like a useful and productive slave.

I love my girls. Whenever I'm about to buy something a thought comes into my head: wouldn't it be lots more fun to send that money to the girls? And I have to say, the answer is usually, yes. Today I sent Rachael £50 and hopefully made her smile. I just sent Kelsey money last week. I have more to send her but I have to try to space it out so I don't get those cravings to please her when I'm broke. I actually want to buy her a bicycle so she can ride to her classes and get some exercise. Her uni is on top of a really high steep hill. That should give her legs a workout.

I won a little money playing poker. So now I'll get some more stuff for Kelsey and Rachael.

I also have to take my mother out to her favorite restaurant on Sunday, her 80th birthday. Today I have to bring her to the funeral of one of her friends. Her little luncheon groups seem to be dying off at a rapid pace.

Kelsey gets the keys to her new place today. Her dad bought the flat where she will be living for the next three years while she is at uni. She must be excited about this. She does have to pay rent and I'll be helping.

One of my ex mistresses is having a birthday this month. I sent her an Amazon gift card but I don't really wish to open up any sort of dialog with her for various reasons. But I do want her to know that I hold no ill will against her. In fact, I don't think I hold any ill will against anyone. It is too much of a burden to carry.

My real world ex, Joyce, who was my first serious partner in adult life, I also hold no ill will against even though I have never contacted her. We had a ten year relationship. I actually believe that she is the only woman who ever loved me. But she was nuts. She had multiple suicide attempts. At one point she told me that not only would her next attempt be successful, but she would make it appear that I had killed her. I called her parents, who were living in Florida, and told them that they'd have to come get her. I simply couldn't do it any more. Her family thought I was the savior who finally took her off their hands. She was always drunk and spaced out on various drugs, which combined with her paranoid/schizophrenia made things impossible. Even though I've often wondered and worried about her, I was always afraid that if I contacted her again that she'd think I wanted to get back together and that she might show up here.

I hear from Rachael, yaaa! Nothing wrong, she just had a hectic week. I'm such a silly worry wart. She is not the troubled teen I first met. She is now a level headed adult and I need to stop worrying like this.

Still no sign of life from Rachael. I sent her an innocent little tweet this morning asking if everything was okay. Last time she was online she seemed to be expressing concern about a loved one, someone who seemed not to be happy.

Rachael hasn't tweeted in six days. I don't know why I let such little things like that worry me. She has a busy life and it will be even busier once classes start. I can't expect her to be hanging around online as much. I'll wait a day or two before I write to check up on her.

Just spent the morning in the hospital waiting room while my mother had tests done. All is okay. Now I have to try to motivate myself to get out and exercise in this heat, over 90 degrees.

I just sent a few gifts to Rachael and a little money to Kelsey over the weekend. I think I've done my duty for July.

July 26th, my father's birthday. Happy Birthday, Daddy.

He'd be 87 today. It has been twelve years since he lost his battle with stomach cancer and I still have dreams of him all the time.

If there is an afterlife, Daddy, I'll see you there. If not, I'm sorry that we did not become as close as I hoped we could in my adult life. I guess I'll never get the chance. When I was sitting with you while you were ill I thought we would be able to talk and catch up on lost years. That first time when we talked seriously for hours was very important to me and I thought there would be many more. Unfortunately, the next time I came to sit with you the medications had already claimed your mind and we could never again have another meaningful conversation.

We all still love you.

Not much new going on near month's end. If things go okay the last week I may be able to send out some more presents. Otherwise that'll have to wait till next month.

My right knee, the opposite one from the one I injured in college, has been hurting. My "bad knee" has not given me any trouble at all. But I've been cycling instead of running the last couple of weeks. I can't reach nearly the same intensity while cycling so I have to exercise longer.

Kelsey went to give blood during the week. So, of course, I immediately starting researching the pros and cons of giving blood. Turns out that giving blood on a regular basis actually lowers your risk of heart disease. The theory is that the old iron in your blood gets rusty (oxidizes) and that taking out a pint and forcing your body to make more keeps it cycling in a more healthy way. I've had trouble myself because of the amount of exercise that I do. When I'm short a pint of blood I just can't get enough oxygen to the muscles and my workouts seriously suffer.

Kelsey is moving into her new place gradually. She'll be fully moved in by the time next semester starts. She is still trying to find a job. I worry about her so much... her emotional state more than anything else.

I know that I'm a slave right down to my very soul. This is more than a financial domination fetish. I know that it is my duty to take care of my mistress the best that I can.

I guess I shouldn't have sent Rachael a link to a video of a big spider jumping on a guy. I thought it was scary funny. But she would probably just think it was scary and couldn't watch. She hates bugs. She told a story of jumping off her bike when she was a little girl and abandoning it when a grasshopper jumped onto the handlebars. Her parents thought it was really funny. I have this phobia type of fear, but only for cock roaches.

I sent Rachael the guide to visual note taking that she had on her list the other day. I wanted to send Kelsey a present but she doesn't let me send her presents when she is at home (her parents house). She doesn't want her mother asking her questions about the packages.

It is raining outside and I can't go for a bike ride. I couldn't do a hard workout today because I have overall body soreness from my workouts the last two days. So I thought I would just have an easy bike ride today. My rainy day substitution, which I really don't feel like doing, is going up and down the stairs at a brisk pace for 20 minutes while wearing my 40lb weight vest. I get feelings of guilt when I don't exercise at all. Perhaps the rain will let up later this evening and I can go for a bike ride.

Kelsey will not be staying in housing with other students next semester. She will have her own flat that was bought with the proceeds of the sale of the house her grandmother, who died about 18 months ago, owned. She will pay rent to her dad.

I can see good and bad sides of this. The last two semesters she had her own room but it was in a house with about five other students. They had a common kitchen area and living room. This means there was social interaction, which she needs. Now she will be living alone. This worries me a bit. I want her to be happy. It is so difficult for a shy person, essentially sitting in a glass booth watching life go on around you, seeing everyone else have fun, but not being a part of it. I lived that life as a young person. I hope that she is able to find a job soon... not for the money but simply for the social interaction.

It is really strange that such a shy girl would have a money slave. I guess when she contacted me for the first time that she was in some phase that is not typical for her. I know that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend and was not happy. But, knowing her now, it just seems so incredibly unlikely that she would ever contact me in the first place. But she did, she was kind to me when I was very depressed, and she captured my heart. I only regret that I can't bring comfort to her as she did to me. Or maybe I do, a little. But it is unlikely that she would ever communicate that to me.

Another movie crew came by today. We've had several over the years but this is the third one since they recently shot that music video here. We must be on some kind of list. We didn't hear back from the crew that was doing the Nicolas Cage movie. We must not have made the final cut.

Rachael told me she plans to study law, like her friend, Amy. I hope this works well for her. My younger sister is a lawyer.

Kelsey is studying microbiology. I think she is going to have some trouble in the biology courses because she is so squeamish. Everything grosses her out and I'm sure she is going to have to dissect animals.

One of my ex-mistresses, Melissa, who I had gotten friendly with again told me to never write her again. I told her I thought she had a very serious problem and should enroll in a substance abuse treatment program. She didn't like that. Well... she does. If I keep quiet about stuff like that it would mean that I didn't care. I served her about a year before I came across Rachael, so that was a pretty good while ago. Since then she lost her job and her first marriage, as well as failing her re-certification course in massage therapy. This is all due to her alcohol abuse. But she says it is all my imagination and that I think this of all women because my mother is an alcoholic. The part about my mother is correct. But, no, this is not what I think of all women.

I don't respond to email that is not personalized in any way. Stop the spam.

Well, I got a couple of emails thanking me for sharing the little tribute fairy tale that I'd written for Kelsey and who thought it was sweet. But it is still kind of empty when you make little impact on the one who matters most. The point was both to express my feelings for her and to hopefully get her to accept me as an older man for whom she has a great deal of fondness. I don't think it had much emotional impact on her. Or, if it did, she did not wish to share her feelings with me... which is nothing unusual.

Part of the reason I feel a connection with her is because of my extreme shyness and introversion, especially in my youth. But if she can't start learning to express some of what she feels outwardly, when the feelings are something other than anger, then she is going to have trouble with all of her relationships.

Rachael, my previous mistress for whom I still have very strong feelings, should get delivery on the presents I ordered her today. Funny that she and Kelsey live in the same town, which is across the ocean from me, but they don't know each other accept casually online.

I saw a little piece on TV about visual note taking. This must be what Rachael has in mind with all of these pens and stuff. There is also some sort of book, or guide, to visual note taking. I might order that for her. She hasn't really told me what her intended field of study is going to be. But anywhere that she touches the lives of others I'm sure that she will bring comfort, as she has brought comfort to me. That's why I call her my little angel, because that's what she is.

Princess Kelsey and Her Faithful Servant

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a little country that was ruled by a just king. The king had a big castle with many slaves and servants. He lived there with his son, the prince, and a special little girl, his daughter, Princess Kelsey.

From the time that Princess Kelsey was born her father made sure she had all that she wanted or needed. She had three servants assigned just to take care of her. Two of the servants were older women, who were her personal maids. They would help her with all her feminine needs. And she had a male slave also assigned to her who would take care of heavier details, bringing in fire wood, and always protecting her. This was slave David.

Slave David loved his little princess. She was the joy of his life and he would give his life in an instant to keep her from harm. When Princess Kelsey was a little girl David would watch with a close eye as she played outside. Sometimes he would bring her down to the village so that she could play with the peasant children, as there were none her age around the castle. The princess also liked to play alone often, and played make believe games. Slave David built her a swing down near a stream where she liked to play. He would also make her wooden toys. Princess Kelsey was very fond of her faithful servant and always felt safe when he was near.

Princess Kelsey’s older brother, the prince, was not a very nice fellow. He used to tease and make fun of the princess. This infuriated her servant, David, who had trouble restraining himself. One time, during his usual antics, the prince made his little sister cry. This was more than Slave David could take. Nobody dared make his little princess cry, not even the prince. David went after the prince like a wild animal. He shook him and threw him against the wall. He then yanked him up by the arm and threw him across the room. Guards had to restrain the slave. The prince had a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm.

The guards put David into the dungeon and reported the incident to the king, who ordered that slave David would be executed. Princess Kelsey was extremely upset. She cried and pleaded with her father to spare the life of her loyal servant. She told her father that her brother was picking on her and that David was protecting her. The king was not a cruel or evil man and he knew that he had, in David, someone who would give his life to keep his daughter safe. So he spared the life of the lowly servant and sentenced him to 60 days in the dungeon. During this time slave David was released for only a couple of hours in the morning to do some hard physical labor and menial duties, after which he was again locked up. While he was out performing his chores in the morning the prince and his friends would call David names and throw rocks at him. David kept up his spirits during this time as he knew the 60 days would pass and he would then be back taking care of his little princess.

Slave David was released after only 30 days for good behavior. He brought Kelsey down to the stream and she was playing on the swing that he had made her. The prince stopped and was about to tease his little sister again. Slave David gave him one hard stare and the prince, remembering his last beating, never made fun of his little sister again.

On Princess Kelsey’s 8th birthday her father gave her a pony. The little princess loved the pony. David would put on the saddle and lift the princess on top of it when ever she wanted to go for a ride. Slave David didn't ride but he jogged along close to the pony ready to catch the princess if she fell.

The years passed and Princess Kelsey grew up to be a beautiful young woman. Slave David was still there to serve her and she had a deep fondness for him. It didn't matter how old he was or what he looked like because that had nothing to do with the special bond they shared. Slave David was totally in love with the princess. And, although he knew that he could never have her, he was perfectly content to just serve her, protect her, and do all he could to please her for the rest of his life. In fact, there is nothing else in the world that he really wanted to do.

Princess Kelsey’s beauty was no secret. Knights, foreign princes, and the sons of local business men all hoped to be invited to her coming out ball. It wasn't long before the right fellow came along, Princess Kelsey fell in love, and got married. Her husband was not a knight or a prince, but the son of one of the local merchants who owned a dress shop in the village. He and the princess had exchanged glances in his father’s shop many times when her maids took her shopping for clothes in the village. She had a crush on this boy for years but they had not ever spoken until Kelsey had grown up. Kelsey was shy and this boy thought that his station in life precluded him from having any hopes with the princess. But Princess Kelsey was not a snob. She thought he was cute, nice, and the boy had also had a crush on her for years.

Although slave David was somewhat sad that his little princess had now grown up and was a married woman, he was still very pleased that she had found happiness with this boy and that he was very nice, clean, and respectful. David drove the coach on the day of their marriage.

The king was actually a little disappointed and didn't think the boy was good enough for his daughter. He would have preferred that she had married the prince of the neighboring country. But Princess Kelsey had no interest in her father’s selection. She said that the foreign prince was good looking but was a complete prick and reminded her of her brother.

But the king accepted his new son-in-law and never made it obvious to the young man that he was not his first choice to marry his daughter. The king was very generous and gave Princess Kelsey and her new husband an entire wing of the castle, almost a third of the entire place. He also gave her a full 30 servants to care for her portion of the castle.

Slave David had proven his worth and was made the head servant in Princess Kelsey’s wing. In addition to guarding the princess and doing what ever she wanted, he also had to direct all of the other servants assigned to that portion of the castle. Princess Kelsey thought it was perfect.

Well, Princess Kelsey’s fairy tale life in the castle with her new husband did not last long. Shortly after her marriage, sadly, her father, the king, passed away. Princess Kelsey was not even out of mourning for her father’s death before her brother, who was now king, began to strongly exert his authority. He decided that his sister did not deserve to have a third of the castle and a staff of 30 servants. Kelsey was given a rather small two room suite to share with her husband. She now had only two maids, the same two that were with her from birth and who were now quite elderly, and slave David.

Life in the castle was unpleasant under her brother’s rule. It was noisy as he was always throwing wild parties. And he was always making new rules to which all had to abide. Life was very bad for slave David, who the king hated. He never forgot the incident of David beating him up when he was a young lad. So, each night as soon as Kelsey had gone to bed, slave David had an additional 3 or 4 hours of chores to do that the new king would create just to make the poor servant’s life miserable.

Princess Kelsey was not very happy with life in the castle any longer. One of her personal maids died and the other was sickly and not able to do much. Her brother did not assign her any new servants. So, Kelsey decided that she and her husband would move out of the castle and live in a house on the country side, not far from the village.

Princess Kelsey got all her things packed up to move. But her brother told her that most of the things that she had packed up were the property of the royal palace and she could not take them with her. She screamed, “I don’t need anything!” So Kelsey and her husband left almost empty handed. But Kelsey did bring along her loyal servant, David. She would need him to help set up the new house. Also, she knew that her brother hated David and that life would be very difficult for him if she left him there. In fact, she even feared for his life.

There was a lovely abandoned house near the stream where Kelsey used to play as a child. But it needed lots of work. Slave David worked hard to get the place in shape. There was another small building outside where David’s quarters were to be. Kelsey’s father-in-law, the well-to-do merchant from the village, helped out also and bought a cow, some chickens, and a few other animals. Kelsey’s father-in-law died soon after and her husband inherited the shop, where he would go during the day. They were not rich, but the shop provided more than enough money to provide them with a very comfortable living.

Kelsey was quite happy with her new peaceful life. Slave David worked the grounds, took care of the animals, and he was very happy to still be a part of the life of his precious princess. He did anything she asked of him.

Kelsey had three children. David guarded her children with his life the same as he did for Kelsey when she was a child. But around the time of her oldest child’s sixth birthday, sadly, Slave David passed away.

It was a sad day. Kelsey had her faithful servant buried near the stream, not far from the swing that he had built for her when she was a young child.

Many more years have now passed and Kelsey’s children are almost grown. But Kelsey still often thinks of her faithful and loyal servant, David, who devoted his life to serving her, and she has fond memories of him.

The End

I have been through some issues with Kelsey and I now feel less hurt by her reluctance to watch a video message that I sent her. It is largely psychological. It seems that when I write to her, despite her being fully aware of my age, she imagines me to be a much younger man. But if she were to watch a video of me talking to her then she would see a much older man than the one she imagines, and this would gross her out.

As much as it hurts, I understand this. But I don't want her to see me this way at all. I want her to see me as an older man that is dear to her. Someone she is comfortable with and has a fondness for, but not in any romantic or sexual way. I don't want her to see me as some old creep who is hitting on her at a club... someone who disgusts her but who she tolerates by pretending that he is actually a young guy.

Kelsey, while shy about expressing her feelings, is very honest. She is not going to say things that she thinks I want to hear just to get me to send her money. So any time she does say anything warm to me, even if it is just a smiley face, it is extremely special.

Yes, I am sexually attracted to women's bitchy bossy sides. But their tender and caring side is what truly captures my heart. And this side is what I fell in love with both with Kelsey and Rachael.

I'm not a poet and don't write love poems. But I do sometimes write little stories. I wrote Kelsey a little fairy tale that features her as Princess Kelsey. I did this in the hopes of changing the way that she thinks about me. The story is really a true expression of what I really do feel for her and the type of bond I wish the two of us could someday share.

Here it is....

Actually, I decided I should preserve her little fairy tale in its own separate entry so I have deleted it from below and reposted it above.

I expected to be hurt by Kelsey's refusal to grant the small request that I made in a video message to her. But it was worse than that. She refused to watch the video. She said that she didn't want to watch it because she might find it upsetting.

This is quite an insult. I've been corresponding with her for over two years. Never during all of that time did I ever do, say, or request anything of a lewd or inappropriate nature. In fact, I never would unless I was specifically asked to. I told her in an email that it was just like any email but just me talking to her. She still refused to watch the video message.

The content of the message is now unimportant as her refusal to watch it is far more significant. This means that there is never any chance of us having a skype conversation, or even a phone conversation in the future. And if I should ever travel to Scotland she probably would not even meet me for lunch.

This morning I thought that she had simply ended things with me. She had not replied to me for a few days and this morning I saw that she had deleted her Amazon wishlist. But this afternoon she did write to me and I had a rather emotional exchange with her. I love her but I don't know if I can handle the pain of being kept on the other side of this wall that she has built around herself.

Today has been a total emotional drain. If only she could live life and enjoy it rather than trying to analyze every little thing and trying to figure out what it is supposed to mean and whether it fits into her notion of the way life is supposed to be. This entire online domme/slave thing is supposed to be a fun online fantasy not an emotional drain.

Oh God, I'm not ready to talk.

I think that Kelsey is going to hurt my feelings. I wish I didn't love her because then I wouldn't give a shit. But she hasn't replied to my little request. I'm not sure how she got such a strong hold on me.

Today I sent Kelsey my end of month report, but I did so as a private video message. I also made a special request of her. I asked her to make me a short video that didn't need to be more than 10 seconds or so. I'm a gentleman and did not ask for anything out of line. I just want to see her and hear her voice. She has not had experience with other slaves so she may not realize how tame I am in comparison to what most would ask for.

Rachael sent me a nice picture today. She got the hot rollers that I ordered her from her Amazon list. She was also nice enough to grant me a small request. She changed her twitter avi in which she was smoking. I told her that it bothered me, and it does. Smoking has a negative impact on every body system. I also hate to think about how it is going to wrinkle up her beautiful face.

I am no longer corresponding with Melissa, my mistress from about 3 years ago. We had started talking again and I'd sent her a couple of gifts. But I guess I was a little too vocal about my disapproval of her nightly drinking and pot smoking. She knows that my mother is an alcoholic and she thinks that is the only reason that it bothers me so much. But it really seems that I have had some sort of curse on me when it comes to females. Every woman I've been involved with either online or in real life seems to be an alcoholic, a drug addict, or have some other serious mental or emotional problems. Okay, so this is just online and it is just fantasy. But I can't enjoy having fantasies about a drunk. I also think that she thought that she was going to replace Kelsey. I told her that I loved Kelsey and would never abandon her. So, good bye Melissa.

Is this for real? How long has this site been back up under this name? Same username and password work. I still have all of my old content, pictures, journal entries, etc. Okay, cool. But why didn't anyone send an email to the user list and tell them that the site was running as normal under a new name?

Last week a movie location scout called and said he wanted to bring the director to see our house today as a possible shooting location. We've been visited by movie crews about six times but have never been selected, except for a music video that was shot here last month.

The last movie was going to be about a young couple who buy a fixer upper that turns out to be haunted. They ended up selecting another house on our street.

Anyway, the movie people just left. I don't think we are going to be selected for this one. They were only here for about 10 minutes and they didn't even check out the upstairs.

Filming is going on in this neighborhood all the time. Louisiana has become one of the top places in the country for filming.

I feel like a cheap skate, but I ordered some little gifts. I got Kelsey this little eye mask and ear plugs to help her sleep. Her room at uni overlooks some sort of plaza that is noisy. I ordered Rachael another Irvine Welsh book. I couldn't afford anything for anyone else.

I'm disappointed. But its none of my business.

Today is Kelsey's last day of school for the semester. I'm praying for her to do well on her exams. I was hesitant to order her this video game that she wanted because I worried it would intefere with her studies. But I got it for her anyway. She said she has her studies under control. It was one of the Animal Crossing variants, Let's Go to the City.

I'm waiting patiently.

The money slave is short on money. I won't be able to send Kelsey's late month payment. She is not despaerate for it and she knows I just lost the job. I hope she doesn't think I'm being frivolous or spending it all on other women. I told her of anything I spent on Rachael. But Vany also hit my paypal on this recurring payment that I forgot about, a six month membership to her website. I took steps to make sure it won't happen again but she got an extra $50. Hopefully I'll have another job within a couple of weeks. The income from my rental property covers my personal expenses. But I need to do better than that.

A second journal entry this evening. Someone just wrote to me asking about my diet. So i thought I'd post it here.

I eat four meals a day and have three whey protein shakes every day (20 to 25 grams of protein each). I have oatmeal with fruit for breakfast. I have mixed vegetables with nuts and seeds for lunch. I have beans mixed with canned fish, either tuna, salmon, mackerel, or sardines mid afternoon. For dinner I usually have some sort of lean meat and salad with yogurt for desert, usually. I eat relatively low carb for my level of activity.

Kind of surprisingly, a former mistress of mine from a little over three years ago, Melissa, added me to her Google Plus circles and we started corresponding. She would be among my favorites of the 50 or so women I've served online for various lengths of time, just behind Kelsey and Rachael. I broke it off with her before any real strong feelings developed because I was still trying to make things work with Elaine.

I've told her the stories of my experiences with Kelsey and Rachael and that it would not be possible to serve her now. But as I've about eliminated Vany and Mariah from my gift list, I guess I could try to add her. But there simply is not going to be very much left after Kelsey and Rachael, especially with my loss of the job. I hope I can get some other income source rolling again soon.

I already told Kelsey the bad news about the job and that it would not affect the normal tribute I give her at the beginning of each month. However, I would not be able to afford much in the way of the second tribute that I usually send near the end of the month. I'll still get her and Rachael random gifts from their wish lists.

Melissa thinks I have what she calls the White Knight fantasy that wants to ride in to help save these girls rather than a slave fetish. That isn't really true. It just happened that way. I have never gone looking for people suffering from depression or other mental illness. It just happened that way and I developed a really strong emotional bond. I am turned on by strong dominant women. But I also have sort of a daddy instinct that wants to protect people I care about. I think both girls are fully recovered but I still worry about Kelsey very much. If I ever stopped serving her I would probably hear nothing about her and I would be worried sick all of the time... as I was during the period that we were not in contact.

Well, I haven't posted in a few days. I was sort of in shock when I was told that the program I was on was being eliminated at work. So after just six weeks I am again out of a job. I really don't need to work much. But I have to find something if I want to treat my ladies properly. I can't retire from being a slave.

I try to be polite to anyone who writes to me. But if my servitude is the only thing that interests you then I can tell you that it is highly unlikely to happen, no matter how sexy or beautiful you may be. You can check my journal and if I'm still talking about Kelsey and Rachael then you simply don't have any hope of enslaving me. Unless somehow both of them slip out of my life then I will simply not be available. I've served a great many women and many of them were a huge sexual turn on. But these two are the only ones who ever captured my heart.

I'm drunk right now but wtf. Those are my true feelings.

I feel better now that I know Rachael's dad is okay. I mean, I was worried about her when her hamster died... the one before Buscuit, who I think just disappeared. I can't stand the thought of anyone I love hurting. I'll send some gifts to Rachael tomorrow. I have to go to bed.

A couple of days off. I sent Kelsey her early month payment. I sent Vany a little Starbucks card. I'll go take a look at Rachael's wish list in a little while.

Today is opera day in New Orleans... La bohème. I take my mother. After that we'll take my brother and his wife to dinner for his birthday.

I was just reading this story on Tumblr by this chick who claims to be a financial domme making $60,000 per year, giving advice to others. I very seriously doubt her story is true. That is only possible if she has one or two very wealthy slaves as it would take 20 to 30 slaves like me in order to make that much. I just don't think that one girl could attract and keep that many. There are just not that many of us. What there are out there is a good many time wasters who will talk a big game and waste many hours of a girl's time and never send anything. I was the personal assistant of an online domme for almost a year. I screened her mail, managed her website, etc. Even those who were serious about sending money were generally only good for two or three tributes before being off to have fun with someone else. Of course, I have been like that also when I've been between mistresses.

I've had a rather busy schedule. I'm now working 53 hours a week and playing on the internet is something that has been sacrificed somewhat. I've managed to keep up with my exercise and nutrition plan. I get up at 6am, fix breakfast, and allow 90 minutes from the time I swallow the last bit until the time I begin my workout. I then do high intensity exercises & running for 30 to 40 minutes, shower, and head to work. I have to be in for 10am and I work until 9pm. I only take a half hour lunch. I pack lots of healthy food to bring with me to eat through out the day.

There are these two girls in Scotland, omg.

Things are goimg well with Kelsey, Rachael, and the new job. Hopefully life won't throw me a curve ball any time soon. I haven't seen or spoken to Elaine since October. That part of my life is likely over. But I'm not sad about it any more.

The production crew is finally gone. That was an ordeal. But I wouldn't mind doing more. Location scouts have visited my house several times for movies but this is the first time were selected. Tomorrow I'm sending stuff to Kelsey and the little angel. They make me happy.

Kelsey was very conversational today. Now I start to wonder if she has access to this journal. I don't think so because I just can't imagine her logging onto this site. Other than being my online mistress she is totally vanilla. My house was selcted by some film guys to do some scenes. I think it is a music video. The crew was here all day today and they'll be back yomorrow. My dog goy friendly with them so they decided to use her in the video.

I know I'm a big baby, but Kelsey doesn't give me enough attention.

After paying a few bills and sending Kelsey her early month money I was still able to send a little to Rachael. I'd have like to send more but if my payment to Kelsey was short she would know, or at least strongly suspect that I was sending Rachael money. When my credit card payment cleared I had a little more. I sent Amy a $20 Amazon card and Vany a $10 Starbucks card.

Rachael was accepted for college and will be starting soon. I'm very happy for her. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help her with some upcoming trip expense. I put off getting a job until I had pretty much depleted my savings and exhausted all of my credit. I now have to play catch up. But I will eventually be able to do more for her. I haven't even sent Kelsey the usual early month payment yet. I still have to collect more rents. My ribs are still a little sore from recent fall but they are much better. I can now recline without pain. I'm fine as long as I'm upright, even exercising.

Rachael has an important interview today. I pray that it goes in a way that leads to the happiest possible future for her.

Kelsey is busy with her chemistry and psychology courses. She received the gifts I sent and loves them.

Today is my first day working my new schedule. I'm doing a test run this morning to see if I have to time to eat breakfast and do my full workout, shower, and leave in time to make it to work for the designated hour. I have to make this work.

My work hours are going to be 9am to 9pm with Sunday and some other random day off each week. This sucks beyond belief. I don't see myself keeping this job long if I can't get a better schedule.

I love you, angel. I've loved you since the very first day I chatted with you on Twitter. You were completely out of my life when Kelsey captured my heart. But you are still so so special to me.

Finally the sales manager called and gave me a definite start date. I'm to report at 8:15am on Thursday. I was worried they decided against hiring a guy in his 50s.

I had a couple of brief correspondences with Kelsey today. I had no more money to send this month by I had room on my credit card to send her a couple of small wish list items, some palm stones.

I didn't reply to Vany' s email and I feel bad about it. I don't just ignore people like that. But I'm at a loss for words. She says hi and asks how my Valentine's day was, knowing that I like sent out some gifts and did not include her. I have to think on this. I don't hold grudges. Life is to short to expend energy on negative thoughts and feelings.

Kelsey and Rachael are the only ones who are truly special to me. I'll send occasional gifts to some others but not more than two or three times a year. I'm not rich.

I try not to make fun of the fetishes of others, because we are all a bit strange. But a fetish I have never understood is the "ignore" fetish. There are women on niteflirt who have paid ignore lines. The sub calls this line and she just answers the phone and says nothing, lays the phone down, and goes about her business. The sub pays several dollars a minute to remain on the line while she ignores him.

Does anybody really call these lines? I like both the mean ones and the friendly ones, and the ones who can be both dominant and friendly. But I sure never got turned on by being ignored.

The car dealership sent me to the doctor last week for a physical and a drug test. They also got the information needed to run a motor vehicle report. They have not gotten back with me since then. I hope they didn't find anything they didn't like. I'm not on any prescription drugs currently and have never used any illegal drugs in my life. My driving record is clean. I'll give them a call tomorrow should I hear nothing. I am anxious to get started.

I'm behind on bills right now but I'm glad that I did have enough available to at least pay for buss pass for Rachael. I won't be able to make a late month payment to Kelsey. She told me that she didn't know if the Valentine's gifts had arrived because she had gone home for the weekend and the gifts are delivered to her flat at uni.

I got a short note from Vany today. She said she was just writing to say hello and said she hoped I had a nice Valentine's day. Now I feel bad. I didn't send her a Valentine's gift. I guess she just noticed. She hadn't sent me a note on Christmas or New Year's and I didn't really think I'd hear from her again. So I scratched her from my gift list.

I didn't Vany's her 2014 calendar because the front is a picture of her smoking. I don't hate her because she smokes. I know it is an addiction. But she is a professional model selling pics where she is promoting smoking as being glamorous and sexy. I'm a health nut so this just disturbs me.

It has been a good while since I served Vany. I served her just before I first met Rachael. But I have sent Vany lots of gifts, particularly during the times when I was between mistresses... which has been many times as things have been quite off and on with Kelsey (until now, 8 months continuous). I don't think Kelsey will be so quick to tell me to get lost now that Rachael is sort of back in the picture. She has also largely recovered and does not act as erratically.

The Mardi Gras season in New Orleans is something I know longer enjoy. I loved it as a kid and I can see how the novelty of it could be enjoyable tourists. But to me it is just an interruption with street closings, etc. But I'm still sorry for the people who look forward to it when the weather is very poor as it is today. There must have been a few parades scheduled.

I'm in physical pain right now having just taken a hard fall flat on my back. I was doing weighted pull-ups and the bar broke loose from the door frame mounted bracket.

I hope everything is going well with the background checks and motor vehicle reports. I was hoping to start work this week. I now hope to start Tuesday or Wednesday.

I got a letter from Rachael, which always makes me happy, and found that the pair of ankle boots I sent her as a Valentine's gift had been received. I hope I'll be able to gift her more in the future. I've had two terms of service with Rachael and she is very special to me. I'm not running around behind Kelsey's back. My mistress knows that I still talk to Rachael and send her gifts. She told me it is okay as long as I don't spend too much. She didn't define the amount so I'm not going to talk to her about what the limits are.

Rachael also mentioned something related to furthering education. I don't really understand how the education system works there but it sounds like a positive so I'm happy about it and happy for her.

I don't know if Kelsey got her presents yet. I noticed that she did add an item to her wishlist, so maybe she did.

I'm going to have to look into getting one of those medical alert things that my mother can wear around her neck and press to call help if she has a problem. She is almost 80 and not very strong. I am usually here to take care of her. But she could live another 15 or 20 years. I can't just sit around the house until she dies.

I told Kelsey that I knew about her piercings, that it was no big deal, and to please stop hiding her face. So she posted a pic on her Instagram yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. I hope she'll model the dress for me when she gets it. I had to get a physical and a drug screening yesterday for the new job. I should start Thursday.

Rachael is so delightful. I just sent her a pair of shoes and a book from her Amazon list. I wanted to her her a pair of shoes for Christmas but all of those on her list were out of stock. I have to pick out something for Kelsey. I think I'm going to get her a dress that she has on her list and tell her that I'd like a pic of her wearing it. The last two pictures she took she is hiding the lower half of her face with her phone. I know that she is hiding some piercings. Does she really think I'm that judgemental? She claims to only have some lip studs but I know better. I blew up a pic from several months ago and I'm using it for the wallpaper on my pc. Enlarged I can clearly see that she is using make-up to try to cover up a piercing in her nose and cheek.

I got the job. I start next week... selling cars. I've done well in all types of sales, but never in the automotive industry. I'll give it about a three month trial. It'll have to be good money for me to tolerate these horrible hours.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I guess I've been sitting around the house long enough. I need a little more than just caring for my elderly mother. I also need to get health insurance, do a few home repairs, and I'd also like to get more regular with payments to Kelsey and to start gifting Rachael more frequently. I just read that Rachael has been losing the gifts that her boyfriend bought her. I'll have to try to get her stuff that won't be so easy to lose.

It will also be a challenge for me to see if I can maintain my current physical condition when I'm working full-time.

The Beatles 50th anniversary show!

I am happy today having got an email from my mistress last night. I hadn't exchanged communication with Kelsey in about 10 days. She wrote and asked if everything was okay and if I was mad at her. I told her that I was delighted to hear from her and that I sometimes just worry that I'm getting on her nerves. It is easy to get that feeling when you are always the one to initiate contact and the other person gives very short replies. So we exchanged a few back and forth and her messages were longer than her usual one or two sentence replies.

Kelsey is a difficult person but she is special to me and I love her. It is very different from Rachael, who is very easy to talk to and impossible not to love. For the last couple of years these two girls are the only two females on the planet that have interested me much. I do sometimes have fantasies that don't involve them. However, such fantasies seem to be with nameless and essentially faceless characters of my own creation and not any particular real people who interest me.

Feb has started okay. Rachael looks like she is happily tweeting away again. Maybe I was worried about nothing. But I'm relieved. And she appears to be exchanging tweets with her boyfriend also. So, hopefully, what ever trouble was facing him has improved a little. She referred to an idiot abroad who was not helping to cheer her up. I wonder if that's me. I always worry that I'm just getting on people's nerves and it causes me to be somewhat reserved in communicating.

Tomorrow is the Superbowl!! I can't wait as New Orleans native, Payton Manning, is going for his second superbowl ring. His father was the quarterback here when I was a kid and is a local hero.

I'm feeling very good physically. I did a very tough HIIT workout today and finished with my best time, beating my previous best by almost 20 seconds... very significant for a 12 minute routine. But I think that the weather in January threw off my running schedule sufficiently that I'm not going to run in the 10K race in mid April. I averaged 7:32 per mile last year for the 6.2 miles. I don't have a chance of doing that this year as I'm now struggling to keep an 8 min mile pace for 4 miles. There is no way I can make that kind of improvement in 10 weeks and I'm not running if I don't think I have a chance to beat last year's time.

Rachael has again gone several days without tweeting. The thought of the little angel hurting disturbs me greatly. I haven't been able to spend much money on her lately so I don't feel like I have the right to be too nosy. When I have some more income I plan to send her stuff on a regular basis.

I hope that her relationship has not ended. Heartbreak is the absolute worst. What ever the matter is I hope it gets better soon. Please, God, she brightens the lives of so many people, please bring Rachael some happiness.

Elaine is angry with me after I wrote her that we may have an interruption in phone service. She is on my plan and pays nothing. I told her that I thought buying Christmas presents was more important than paying many bills on time. So I'm still playing catch up. My siblings give me gifts and I have to have something for them. Then I have the girls online, plus Kelsey's birthday was in December, etc. Elaine knows I spend money on women online but doesn't press me on that point. She didn't have any interest in playing to my fetishes so I'm not sure what she expects me to do... just daydream about her while she lives with her husband perhaps.

It is really cold here now. All fights in and out of New Orleans have been cancelled for today and tomorrow, schools are closed, etc. I sure hope the power doesn't go out. I'll be okay but I have my elderly mother to care for. Luckily we do have gas and have gas heaters in some of the rooms.

I want you here to have and hold as the years go by and we go old and gray.

omg, I couldn't hold back the tears watching Ringo sing Photograph.

I thought we would grow old and gray together, Joyce. I'm so sorry. I did my best. I haven't seen you in over 20 years but I still think about you. I wish I'd been able to help you.

This city is just not set up for cold weather. There were road and bridge closings everywhere and lots of accidents yesterday. Elaine, who I haven't seen in months, called me yesterday to see if it was okay if her husband spent the night at my house since he couldn't get home with the road closings. I said okay. We drank and watched some netflix. Most of the roads and bridges are back open today.

It actually looks lovely outside now. I should go out and get some exercise.

I don't even usually watch the Grammys. But I'm looking forward to tomorrow night as Paul McCartney and Ringo will both be on.

Well, Amy got her gift card and tweeted me a public thank you. That was nice. I complimented her hair that she just got done. And I didn't do it just to be nice. I think it really looks great. She should use that pic as her avi.

The birthday party for my niece and nephew has been cancelled due to weather. This house is like a block of ice.

Rachael is tweeting again. I'm glad to see that although it may not mean that the situation has improved. She may simply be trying not to overly obsess over something that is beyond her control. I'm not going to pry. She remains in my prayers.

It is 35º this morning. I know that people who live in cold weather climates must really think we're wimps. But for Louisiana this is incredibly cold. My indoor workout for this weather is to put on my 40lb weight vest and go up and down the stairs carrying a 30lb dumbbell, which I switch hands each flight. I'll do this for about 20 minutes. The dog, who follows me around the house, goes crazy when I do this so I'll have to lock her up for a bit.

Tomorrow I will drive to Lafayette for the birthday celebration of my niece and nephew. Their birthdays are a few weeks apart so their parents throw one party to celebrate both. This will be a bowling party at the bowling alley. It sounds like fun. He just made four and she is making six.

I just heard from Kelsey and am delighted to hear that she did very well last semester. I don't really understand the grading system as it is different from the U.S., but it seems she had about the equivalent of an A average.

Amy is having a birthday. She makes 20 in the next day or two. I'll send her an Amazon card tomorrow.

Rachael is still not tweeting. She is very troubled about the problems of a loved one. I hope the prospects have gotten better. She remains in my prayers.

And as for the live world, Elaine wrote to me and we are getting together, probably next week. I really thought that her intent was to eliminate me from her life. I'm glad that was not so.

My previous mistress, Rachael, is usually pretty active on twitter but hadn't tweeted in about five days. This always gets me concerned as she still means very much to me. I sent her a little DM to see if everything was alright. She replied and there is an actual matter with her boyfriend. It seems to be a serious problem, although she didn't say whether it was a health problem, legal problem, etc. I only know that it is troubling her so it is now troubling me because I love her. He is a very lucky guy to have an angel like Rachael. I pray that what ever his problems that they resolve themselves in a way that will please Rachael. And, if not, I pray for God to give her the strength to deal with it.

I love you, Rachael.

The weekend football games went I as expected but I really only care about Denver. Now that New Orleans is eliminated I'm pulling for Peyton Manning, a New Orleans guy, and the Broncos.

Things are running really tight, but I guess that's how it is as a slave. Kelsey put a pedometer on her wishlist. I'm glad to see that she's thinking about exercising. I'll get that for her when I can. Amy's birthday is in a few days and I'd like to send her a gift card. I still have December bills that I left unpaid to finish all my Christmas shopping.

My favorite little niece came to town. She is making six. I hadn't realized that it had been a year since they were here last and I was disappointed that she didn't seem to remember me. But later she did remember spraying me in the face with water while I washed dishes. She just didn't realize it was me. We went to the French Quarter and she liked the ride in the horse drawn carriage.

Amy has conversed with me on Twitter. This is a first in years. I guess I'll send a birthday present.

Today is not only the seven month mark of continuous service to Kelsey. Jan 15 is also the two year anniversary of my meeting Kelsey for the first time on Twitter. Rachael actually told her and some others about me and encouraged them to come after me for money. Several of them followed me but Kelsey was the only one with guts enough to actually start a conversation with me. I was very brokenhearted at the time, my servitude to Rachael having just come to an end. Kelsey was a great comfort to me then just as Rachael would later be when the situation was reversed.

It is strange that Kelsey and I seemed to be closer, better friends two years ago than we are now. It is probably her withdrawal from social media that is the difference. I used to read her tweets and comment on them and we'd chat. She doesn't take the time to write to me all the little details that she tweeted about. She also doesn't post to Facebook. She emails only when responding to my emails, and her responses are usually only a sentence or two. But I am still hopeful that there will be something more to my servitude to her than we have now.

Kelsey wrote to me yesterday in a good mood. She'd gotten the tribute I sent. She went shopping and bought a bag she had been wanting. She posted a pic of it on her instagram. So, of course, I rolled over like a little puppy, wagging my tail, happy as can be. I can hardly remember that two days ago I was writing rough drafts of a goodbye letter. It takes so little on her part to control me.

But she doesn't have complete control of me because I still love Rachael also. I retired a couple of years ago but now I'm looking for work again, at least part time. As soon as I have more income I plan to start sending Rachael gifts more frequently. I still feel guilty about leaving my little angel, even though I don't think I had much of a choice at the time given that Kelsey was not in good shape.

The weather is getting better. I went for a four mile run today. I have to get in running shape for the 10K race on April 19. I have a little more than 3 months. I'm running about 7:40 per mile now. My goal for the race is 7:15 per mile, or 45 minutes for the entire 6.2 mile race. If my knees hold up I may get there. I averaged 7:31/mile in last year's race so I've gone backwards since then. I've done more weight lifting and less running over the last year. It is time to shift back the other way.

I am getting really tired of serving a brick wall.

The Saints got destroyed. The score may appear close but it really wasn't. I'll now pull for Denver since Peyton Manning is from New Orleans.

I told Kelsey that the January payment would be to her on Monday and apologized for being late. I usually have it for her by the 10th. She wrote me back and told me her exam schedule and when she would moving from home back to the flat. She made no reference to her harsh words to me the other day.

Maybe she treats her dad the same way: screams at him and doesn't call or write often when she is away. But people in your family know that what ever you say that you still love them and will always be a part of their lives. You have to be a little more reserved with others who do not have the same sense of security. I think she feels pretty secure about her hold on me. But I don't feel at all secure about my place in her life... which is almost non-existent.

Anyway, I'll try to think happy thoughts. The Saints are in the second round of the playoffs and have a big game against the Seahawks on Saturday.

So I finally heard from Kelsey this afternoon. She said that nothing is wrong and she has been busy studying for January exams. I was somehow mistaken in my thinking that the semester was over.

Anyhow, I told her how worried I had been and that I had actually checked the Clydebank police reports and obituaries online. I asked if she would just send me a little note if she was going to be out of touch for a few days. This made her angry and she said that her life does not revolve around me. No kidding... I only wish that 5 or 10 minutes a week of her life revolved around me. How can she blame me for being worried? I send her three messages asking if everything is okay and she just ignores them for three days.

I was the same way when I first served Rachael, who was ill at the time. In fact, Rachael did get brought home by the police after being picked up by some strange guy one night. I was always worried about her. She seems to be okay now but I don't know about Kelsey.

Well, I mentioned before about wanting to talk to Kelsey about possibly having a couple of phone calls or skype sessions each month. I guess I might as well forget about that. I don't know how I'm going to be able to serve her long term. It seems like she can't stand me.

And it is not just that I think she gets no particular pleasure out of corresponding with me. I think that she is actually afraid that if she writes to me that I will get the mistaken impression that she has any degree of fondness for me at all... and oh how terrible that would be.

I wish that I didn't love this girl. Nobody has ever put me through as much pain as she has... and not the erotic kind of pain.

Another morning arrives and still no word from Kelsey. My imagination starts running wild. What if she was living in the student housing last semester but not really going to classes, just fooling her parents? What if she just got her final grades in the mail and found that she flunked out? What if she had another breakdown as the time approached to go back to school? Maybe last semester was a struggle for her and she couldn't face going back after coming home for Christmas?

Then, what if it is something worse? What if something happened to her? There is just know way for me to know and it is really bothersome, to say the least. Maybe there has been a death in her family.

Of all the times she ended things with me, she actually only told me to get lost once. The other times she just disappeared and never said anything to me. She just stopped writing or responding to me. It is possible that she has done this again.

And then there is the possibility that everything is fine but she just hasn't read my emails. If that is the case then we will definitely have to come to a better understanding. I find this unlikely. She has an iphone which can access the internet from anywhere. She can't make the excuse that she didn't have access to a computer, or something like that.

I'm not going to accept the finality of my servitude to her, without word, any time real soon. As soon as I do the full emotional impact of it is going to hit me. Maybe I'm in denial right now, checking my email every 30 minutes.

I feel sick in the stomach. Although I'm trying to keep busy and not dwell on what I can't control, there is that particular feeling I get when I am goong into a depressed state. It is like a big rock sitting on my stomach. I don't know whether something has happened to Kelsey or if she has decided to ne rid of me. The thought of either upsets me greatly. and there are. ot too many other possibilities.

Okay, now I'm officially worried about Kelsey. This after saying that I wasn't that worried about her personal safety on the night of New Year's eve. I haven't heard or seen a peep out of her since. On Dec 25 she sent me a short reply when I wished her Merry Christmas. On Dec 26 she posted an Instagram pic of the presents I sent. On Dec 31 she made an addition to her wishlist. Since then, nothing. I realize this has only been five days, but I've sent her a private instagram video, an email, and a KIK message. There has been no response to any of them.

If she is okay, why does she make me worry like this? It isn't fair. It takes less than 15 seconds to send me a quick note saying that everything is okay and that's all it would take to put my mind at ease. She has to realize that me worrying about her is part of the package that goes with me being her slave. I wouldn't be serving someone I didn't care about.

Or perhaps not talking to me any more was one of her new year resolutions. It would be polite to inform me if that is the case.

I may have been wrong when I said Elaine and I are still friends. I think she sent me a pretty strong message today... a message of silence. I will send her a reminder note that my mom and I are still waiting to hear back on what night would be good to take them to Outback. If I get no positive response I won't push it any further. I think she is having an affair and is not interested in being friends with me.

The weather is cold here in the South, and it is worse elsewhere. Lots of flights are being cancelled. There is even a chance that the Saints might not be able to get a flight into Philadelphia for tomorrow's game. That would suck.

Amy has tweeted that her birthday is in 22 days. Let's see: every few months I respond to one of her tweets and she never tweets back. She has not replied to one of my emails in two years. I sent her gifts for her birthday last year and for Christmas and she did not acknowledge either. The big question is: why am I even considering sending her a birthday gift?

New Year's Eve!! And what is great about this year is that I can actually relax and not worry. The main reason is because Rachael is in a relationship so I'm not worried about her at all. Each of the last two years I had terrible nights worrying that Rachael was going to go out and get really drunk and let herself get picked up by some random guy, and then who knows what. No such worries this year.

I'm slightly worried about Kelsey, but I'm not worried about her personal safety as I was for Rachael each of the last two years. I worry that Kelsey is alone and depressed that she doesn't have a group of friends or any special person to spend the evening with. Or, maybe she does. She doesn't tell me much about her personal life any more. When she was on twitter I could see what was going on in her life from her tweets. Now I'm in the dark. But I don't think that she'll engage in behavior that will put her in danger.

And, tonight is the 21st anniversary of my meeting Elaine in person. I had known her online for a couple of months before that, which then lead to long phone conversations. When I met her in person at a New Year's Eve party we got on as well as we did online. We just sat on the steps outside and talked for hours while others partied away. I'm happy to say that she did get back in touch with me and our friendship is not over. My mom and I are going to dinner with Elaine and her husband some time next week.

Happy New Year Everyone

I see that I missed Kelsey's Instagram post from four days ago where she shows some of the presents I sent her. Now I feel bad for that last joirnal entry I made. I was very introverted also when I was young. It is very difficult for her to express herself.

The year is closing. I will have some important decisions to make soon. Kelsey isn't sick any more. She no longer needs me but I still love her and am hopelessly addicted to her. I get so little attention from her that I feel lonely and sort of depressed most of the time. Then I get a big thrill when we have a brief exchange, but that quickly dies and I'm down again with this dead and empty feeling.

So... I have to wonder: is it better to go on indefinitely with this dead and empty feeling or to go through a few months of the much more intense pain that would come from a total separation? I have gone through that intense pain a few times, and it really really hurts. Then, when I'm almost over it, she'll write to me again and totally shake up my emotions. Rachael did give me some comfort last time but I think that she knew that I was still hurting pretty badly and that I wasn't really over Kelsey.

Another question is, can I really blame Kelsey when I'm too chicken to talk to her about how unhappy I am about how things are going? She's not a mind reader and her social skills are extremely poor.

Then another thought comes to my mind. Suppose she really doesn't want to continue with this but now that she is no longer suffering from severe mental illness she is not just going to tell me to fuck off. Maybe it is to spare my feelings. Or maybe she just figures she might as well take the money I send, for as long as that lasts, while putting forth as little effort as possible until I finally get bored enough to leave on my own.

For the next few weeks I will do what I do best, procrastinate.

Mariah told me today that she did not see any Amazon card in her inbox. I'm guessing it was deleted as spam or something. So I resent it, she got it, and she was greatful. She knows I'm serving Kelsey, who I left her for. But she doesn't know that I served Rachael for five months in the middle of the period since I last served her. Although Mariah was dear to me she did not own a big a piece of my heart as Rachael did. Plus, she was using drugs and I think she still is. I can't give money to a drug user. The Saints won today and will go to the playoffs. So I will have something to take my mind off of other things for a while.

Actually, the friend request does have a pic that is viewable when I hover over the name of the sender, and you are quite pretty. But there is no profile available and we did not ever talk.

If you are only interested if I become your money slave then that would be highly unlikely. I totally love my last two mistresses and if I can't serve one of them I don't know if I'll ever feel like serving anyone again.

I got a friend request here today from someone who I've never corresponded with and who seems to have no viewable profile or pics. I don't like to reject friend requests so I just didn't act on it. But I think that is premature. If you write to me and we correspond a little I'd probably accept the request.

I just checked up on my recent Amazon orders. All of the gift cards I sent out were received except for the one I sent to Mariah. The status says "sent". It doesn't even say received, much less redeemed. I wonder if she no longer uses that email address. She may not even know if I sent her anything. I just sent her a DM on twitter to find out. She's a nice girl. I think I can cancel and resend to her new email if she no longer uses that one, or I hope so.

Tomorrow is the last day of the NFL season. The Saints, who were doing so well, have not been turned into a disappointment. If they don't win this last game then they will need to have a lucky sequence of events in order to get into the playoffs. Come on, guys.

I don't think I ever mentioned here, on Twitter, or to Kelsey when my birthday is. This was on purpose to spare getting my feelings hurt when she doesn't send me a happy birthday note.

Rachael always makes me smile.

Well, Christmas 2013 has come and gone. I'm going to bed. It was not a bad Christmas. But, no, I didn't get the one thing I really wanted. What I wanted was just a little note from my mistress that said, "Merry Christmas, David". I knew that she would reciprocate after I sent her a note. But that is simply being polite. It would have meant so much more if she had first written me. Her time zone is 6 hours ahead of me. So by the time I got up at 8:30am, it was already 2:30 in the afternoon over there. I pretty much figured that when I didn't have such a note when I woke up that it was not to be. But still I waited until late in the afternoon before I wrote to wish her a Merry Christmas. And a Merry Christmas reply came back from her a few minutes later.

I realize that I am just a money slave. And, indeed, that is my fetish. But I love Kelsey and so wish that we could be friends. But I don't think she has even avuncular feelings towards me. And with her being so introverted there is probably little hope of us getting any closer, or even getting back to the type of friendship we had in Jan-Feb of 2012, when I first came into contact with her. But I'd rather have what I have now than not have her in my life at all.

It'll be Christmas when I awake. I have about three different gatherings to attend. But I can think of only one thing that I'd really like to get this Christmas.

The night before Christmas here, early Christmas morning in Europe. I hope my lovelies are happy. And I hope the lovely ladies in Florida are doing well also.

If a message looks like spam, it is marked as spam and deleted. For me this means that there is no reference to me by name, my profile, or my journal but just some generic message such as "serve me", etc. Take that bullshit to niteflirt.

I want to live in a big castle (in the slave quarters, of course) that is ruled jointly by the two princesses, Kelsey and Rachael. I would be the top slave who reports directly to the princesses. I revisit this fantasy at least a couple of times a month. I can see myself serving them meals, driving them around, or what ever else they wanted

I get nice letters here from total strangers.

I am so emotionally confused it isn't funny. Both my real time and online lives have me frustrated. I only get drunk like 3x / year, but I'm drunk tonight. I want to be happy, I want to make everyone else happy, and I never want to hurt anyone... and its impossible.

Mariah is back tweeting again. This just after I sent the gift card yesterday. I hadn't seen her online in weeks. She seems to be in a decent mood. I hope everything is going okay with her. We haven't exchange email in a long time, only brief occasional DMs.

I haven't communicated with Kelsey in a week and I'm starting to get the withdrawal that always comes (ain't no sunshine when she's gone, etc) when I haven't talked to her recently.

Okay, all done. I just sent Amazon cards to Vany and Mariah. I ended up sending Amy an Amazon UK card, even though I had to use some of my dwindling cash. But UK customers really get a bad deal on Amazon U.S. The shipping is outrageous and they also get screwed on the exchange rate. I sent her £30.

Rachael confirmed that she got the gift card I sent to her.

The only person I did not buy anything for yet is my mom. But I have lots of latitude there and she would usually prefer that I just take her out some place nice.

Okay, I've now ordered the Christmas stuff for Kelsey and Rachael. I sent Rachael another book and a £50 gift certificate. I got Kelsey a bunch of little items she had on her list. I made sure I ordered all the stuff today before I accidentally ran out of money while shopping online.

I still have to send gift cards to Vany, Mariah, and Amy. I'll just split my available Amazon U.S. available credit in three and send them each a card for a third of it. It won't be much, maybe $40 each or something.

I finished the shopping for my siblings yesterday. My sister, Claudia, was a help as she had purchased for several of them and asked if I wanted to put in half and they'd be from the two of us.

Elaine responded to the email I sent yesterday, telling her I wanted to take her out for her birthday gift that I owed her. She wasn't ugly this time, but rather short. She just said, "No, that's OK. Don't worry about it. Later, Elaine." I'm not sure what to make of this. I suspect that she is having an affair with someone and doesn't want to see me. She has always had a second guy while with her current significant other. There were a couple of others before me. And then I sort of served that function for 21 years. But I think that perhaps I was not giving her the type of attention she wanted from me. Anyway, if we are to have further contact she will have to contact me.

I hadn't communicated with Elaine since the first week of November when I wished her a happy birthday and got a not so nice reply. But I just wrote her suggesting that she let me make good on the birthday outing I mentioned. I could pick her up, we could go to the zoo, the aquarium, or a movie, I could buy her a nice lunch, and then I could drop her off at her husbands office so she could ride home with him. I'll see what she says. I hate to see a 21 year friendship die. But she signed her last email to me "best wishes". That kind of closing means goodbye.

I've made payments on my credit cards and as soon as those clear I'll order Christmas gifts for Kelsey and Rachael. I've purchased for all but one of my six siblings. I usually take my mother out some place.

I am in a down mood because I didn't get my workout in today. It is my anti-depressant and is supposed to be more effective than Prozac... and I believe it is true as I don't get in these moods when I've had a good morning workout.

Okay, I just got Kelsey's birthday stuff ordered. Her bd was on the 7th and I told her stuff was not ordered in time to arrive for her BD. She will not be back at school till January so that gave me some extra time.

I went to Rachael's wishlist to order her Christmas present. I planned to get her a pair of shoes. She has three different pairs on there but all of them say that they are currently unavailable. Everything else on her list is either just books for a few pounds or else too expensive. I may have to send her a gift certificate. I would have preferred to pick out something.

I decided to send Amy a gift card for Christmas. I'm not sure why. But I'll have to cut back on what I as going to send Vany and Mariah as it is coming from the available balance on my Amazon U.S. account. They will all get Amazon U.S. gift cards. I'll send Rachael and Amazon UK card as her gift is coming from the priority budget.

I haven't decided what I'm getting Kelsey for Christmas. She won't get it till January anyway, when she goes back to school. She made me stop sending gifts to her house because her parents were asking too many questions about the packages.

Okay, so I'm not going to be rented out as a slave, thank God. I don't like the idea of walking into an unknown situation but would do it if my mistress told me to.

I have so much Christmas shopping still to do. I better start with highest priority, Kelsey and Rachael, and then see what I have left. I still have four family members left to buy for.

I don't belong to a gym and usually work out in my yard and patio. So I don't like this weather much. I just finished a workout while all bundled up.

Now it is football time. Go Saints!!

A first for me on this site. I got a message from a woman who wants to rent me. I guess I should be careful what I put in my profile. I wrote that real time get togethers are only possible with the permission of my online mistress. So, I forwarded this request to her. Kelsey is not into the bdsm culture at all. I don't know whether she'll be amused, shocked, or disgusted... or just think its a joke.

I've collected my rents and sent my princess her early month tribute. I've heard back from her. Kelsey did well in her classes and got a very good grade on a final essay she had to write. I am so thrilled that she is doing well. She actually wrote me a full paragraph. I know it sounds silly for me to be excited about that. But she is a girl of few words... unless she's angry.

Rachael has a new twitter avi. I see nothing wrong with her hair. But, honestly, I never focused on her hair. I love her eyes, her cheeks, her chin (with a dimple in it). She would be beautiful with any color hair. I'll take care of her with something nice for Christmas.

Kelsey has finally posted a new pic. Unfortunately, she is hiding her mouth, just like the last one. She must have gotten some piercings that she doesn't want to show. I wish I had not make any comments when she told me her intentions. Now she is not going to let me see. Or perhaps she doesn't like how it looks and doesn't want anyone to see.

Just heard from Kelsey. Like Rachael, she said she hates making 20 years old. But I'm proud of her getting through this semester. She has just one assignment to turn in and one more exam and then she is done for the semester. Her breakdown costed her a year, but that's okay. She is on the right track.

I am so chicken when it comes to talking to her about my dissatisfaction about the way my arrangement with her is going. Whether she wants to be a friend and have nice conversation or a strict domme who dominates me harshly, or a combination of the two, I don't care. I just want more interaction, the way it was when I first met her. I never would have fallen in love with her if I'd had this little contact initially.

As far as her mental illness and anxiety, I think the worst of that is well behind her. I'm not that worried any more. She knows she made it through a semester at the university on her own, away from home. This will give her confidence and I think she'll be okay. What I'm really worried about is the emotional devastation I will suffer if she just tells me to fuck off. This is what makes me so reluctant to discuss things with her.

It is a few minutes before midnight, but its Dec 7 in Scotland. Happy Birthday, Kelsey. I love you and I miss you. If you can't write me more often I wish you'd come back to twitter so that I could get a small glimpse into your life. A slave craves the attention of his mistress. Please feed me a little more. I've sent you some presents from your Amazon list for your birthday.

My project for today is to make an exercise and nutrition video for Rachael, my little angel. She is so precious. And it makes me so happy to help in any way I can.

It has been almost three years since I've served anyone that I met on a fetish site. The last five all came from Twitter. I did not find them by looking for financial dommes or bdsm. I simply did text searches for words and phrases that excited me. The women I came across were not dommes, just regular women. Often their posts were not serious. I would do searches for lines such as "give me your money", or "do as I say", or something else dominant. I would respond and strike up a conversation. Most did not amount to anything but I ended up serving a few women and really liked the experience. These were real people with real lives, real names, etc. They were not characters created for a fetish site. I got much more out of it than I did from sending money to random women on niteflirt as I had done for years before.

If someone writes me here without making any mention of me by name, or any reference to my profile or journal I will simply mark it as spam and delete. Go to niteflirt for that kind of spam bullshit.

Today I got a message here from another slave. He was encouraging me to come serve his mistress. He gave me her skype and told me I should mention that I was referred by him to get brownie points. Lol, this is quite funny.

I saw Mariah tweeting today. I'm always glad to see that. She was absent a while. I hadn't seen anything from her since she reported moving to California from Florida. I was serving her about a year ago.

So after following me the other day, yesterday Amy tweets, obviously a subtweet directed at me, "Send me money and tell me I'm pretty.". It doesn't quite work like that. I'm serving Kelsey and at best I can send small occasional gifts to others... and I have to tell Kelsey about that. Additionally, even if Kelsey were out of the picture I would first try to get back with one of my three immediately prior mistresses. Rachael, if she would have me. If not then I'd try to determine if Mariah was still on drugs. If she was clean I'd serve her, and if not her then Vany.

Something a bit strange happened yesterday. I got notification that Amy was now following me on Twitter. I used to correspond with Amy when I was first serving Rachael. They were best friends. Rachael was doing very poorly at the time, suffering from depression, on Prozac, and abusing alcohol. I confided in Amy and we would talk about what we could do to help Rachael.

When things had fallen apart with Rachael I came very close to serving Amy. In fact, it was all set up. She had set up her paypal and everything. But suddenly Amy wrote and told me not to send any money. She said she would just sort of consult me for support. Then, a short time after that, she told me she wanted no more contact.

There could be a couple of reasons for Amy's actions. For one, she was not telling me the truth about what was going on with Rachael. And she probably was not telling Rachael the truth about things I discussed with her. I'm sure Amy did not have any evil intentions. But Rachael started tweeting things that were in direct contradiction to things that Amy told me in private, and Amy did not challenge anything Rachael said either in public or to me privately. So I had to assume that Rachael was telling the truth and that Amy had been deceptive. The biggest issue was mixing alcohol with Prozac, which is not good and which can cause suicidal tendencies. Amy said told me that she was trying to get Rachael not to drink. Meanwhile Rachael was saying that Amy and Mark were the ones brining her the alcohol and that Amy was encouraging her to take it with Prozac to see from her third eye or something. This upset me greatly because I was so worried about Rachael.

But I tried not to judge Amy to harshly. If she were to have any positive influence on Rachael she had to remain close to her. If Rachael shut her out then she would not be able to help at all. The thing that Amy and I had in common is that we both loved Rachael and wanted her to get better.

I had begun talking to Kelsey at the time and she was a great comfort to me. It actually was going to be kind of a choice between serving Kelsey or Amy. I liked Amy very much. But, truthfully, the real reason that I was likely to serve her over Kelsey is that she was best friends with Rachael and this would allow me to get information about what was going on with her. Kelsey and Rachael don't know each other except online. I don't think they've ever met. I was not in love with Kelsey at that time. I was still completely obsessed with Rachael.

But I never ended up serving Amy. It also could have simply been that because she and Rachael were best friends, and I was on very bad terms with Rachael, that Amy may have worried that any assocition with me would have been seen by Rachael as an act of betrayal.

So I began serving Kelsey and we grew closer. This was in late January of 2012. All the time I was talking to Kelsey back then I was still obsessed with Rachael. Kelsey had just broken up with this guy, Mark, and was also sort of broken hearted. Then one day, in March or early April, Kelsey disappeared. Her twitter had been completely deleted and I got no response from her via email. It was not until that day that I suddenly realized that I was not obsessed with Rachael any more. I was in love with Kelsey and she was gone. She has been my obsession ever since.

Well, anyway, back to Amy. For some reason she decided to follow me yesterday. I did send her a gift for her birthday several months ago. I signed it from "nobody worth mentioning". That is sort of how I felt as she never responded to anything I wrote. I wrote a follow up email shortly afterward that she also did not reply to. I mentioned in the birthday note that I was looking forward to her opinion on the new Gatsby film. Amy is a huge Fitzgerald fan and there is absolutely no way that she did not see this film. Yet she never tweeted a peep about it. I almost felt like she said nothing about the movie deliberatley because I had mentioned it.

I don't hold grudges. If her following me on twitter is a symbolic peace jesture that's okay. Maybe Rachael told her that we were talking again and that I wasn't such a bad guy. I don't know. We'll see.

I heard from Kelsey this afternoon. She said that everything was okay and she had just been very busy with school work. She had a long essay that she had to write and was thinking about that.

As I read this tears ran down my face, tears of joy and relief. I was almost sure that she was done with me... again. I was trying to be strong and pretend to myself that I wasn't too upset. But I was actually breaking up inside and about to fall apart. Over the last couple of years we have been on and off several times. Each time that she left was very painful for me. I was not looking forward to living with that pain for several months again. I love my princess and I'm barely functional when I'm on the outs with her.

I thought maybe she was mad at me for talking to Rachael. But she tells me there is no problem at all.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We are not cooking at home but I'm going out with my mom, two of my sisters, and one of my brothers to the Thanksgiving dinner at Ruth's Chris. I think I do have much to be Thankful for this holiday season. My family is all relatively happy and healthy and I'm on good terms with both Kelsey and my little angel, Rachael.

I wake up in the morning and I grab my phone to check email. There is nothing from my mistress. I don't feel like getting out of bed.

Kelsey has not replied to my email and now I'm getting worried. If she just doesn't want me to serve her any more I wish she'd politely tell me instead of doing this disappearing act. I haven't heard a peep out of her in ten days.

Well, I wrote Kelsey just now and tried to explain my frustration. Hopefully I was not too subtle. I told her that slaves are like puppy dogs and that I was like a puppy dog that is locked in a dark closet. She has no twitter, facebook, or tumblr for me to follow. She very seldom posts pics to instagram. I am absolutely starved for anything Kelsey. I hope she will get the point. I can't go on like this much longer. I am an addict in severe withdrawal. Kelsey is my drug and I'm getting an insufficient dosage to feed my addiction.

November was a kind of tough month and I won't be able to send my princess her late month tribute. I usually send her £100 the first week of the month and some variable amount based on how things are going near month's end, as well as a couple of wish list items during the month. December will be kind of expensive as well.

I thought maybe Elaine didn't want to be friends at all any more. But I see she is engaged in friendly exchanges with my sister on Facebook. She has just been so rude to me and so unappreciative of everything I've done for her. I know she was hurt when she learned I was serving others. But she didn't want to be my anything... not wife, girlfriend, mistress, etc. It is like she is married and I'm supposed to just be her friend and adore her and never be interested in anybody else. She also knew it was my plan to outlive her husband so we would could be together. But she would still say things to me such as, "when R dies I'll probably move to South America and blah, blah, blah". So she essentially was saying she had no interest in being with me even if he was gone.

Elaine caught me when I was serving Maria online. She found undeleted text messages on my phone. I never had any real feelings for Maria, or anybody else online, until Rachael, who I still love... and then Kelsey, who I love but who constantly breaks my heart.

It is holiday season and I'm not going to get myself upset. I'm not real happy but the alternative would likely sink me into a serious state of depression. I'll see how things go through New Years. Today is the 50th anniversary of the Kennedy assasination. Yes, it is an important historical event. But I'm very tired of this week long coverage.

Nasty weather today. I'll have to do an indoor workout. My dog is afraid of thunder and kept me up last night.

I'm still disappointed about how little conversation I have with my mistress. I don't know how to bring up the topic with her. The only time she comes out of her shell much is when I show interest in somebody else. It is really frustrating. I found myself reading stuff from other dommes on niteflirt yesterday and fantasizing that Kelsey was saying those things to me. I really don't care if my mistress is sweet or if she is the bitchy hard nose type, as long as she is authoritative and demanding AND communicates with me.

I planned to bring up the idea of having short phone/skype conversations, just 5 minutes or so, a couple of times a month. But I'm afraid to bring that up. The problem is that she knows how addicted to her I am and that I'm not going to leave her no matter what she does or doesn't do.

Saints just beat the 49rs. Now that was an exciting game. Kelsey got the boots I sent her. They didn't. cost much. I have to think about what I'm going to do for her birthday. I hope to get Rachael for Christmas what I wanted to get her for her birthday. I think I'll just send Vany and Mariah $50 gift cards. There are a few other girls I' e sent gifts to that I'm scratching off my gift list. They never write to me or respond when I write them and never tweet back when I reply to their tweets. I'm thinking of two in particular.

So, Rachael is now 20, and Kelsey will be 20 in three weeks. My two favorite people. So weird, both from the same town in Scotland.

50 Shades of Grey, the movie, is delayed for six months. I didn't read the book. My mother did, lol. I was actually worried that it would make me angry because of the way we are usually depicted. But that is not the reaction I'm generally seeing. I guess I have lots of time to read the book now before the movie comes out.

This episode of Dr Phil that is on right now is awful. This poor woman is being attacked by her sisters and outed on Dr Phil as if something is terribly wrong because she belongs to a fetish group. The woman is a submissive. Her two sisters should mind their own business. The woman is happy. They are trying to say that she is creating some sort of harmful environment for her daughter. The woman is presenting herself very well. I think her fat ass sister is just jealous because she has a satisfying sex life.

It has been a busy weekend. I ran in the CCC 5K on Saturday morning, finishing in 22:20. This is my personal best at this distance but missed my goal by 20 seconds. To be seeded in the CCC 10K you had to finish in 22 minutes.

I went to a concert last night by a Beatles tribute group called 1964. They were great. It was all early Beatles stuff including some of the forgotten and lesser known songs of the period, as well as all the early hits.

Today was a barbecue at my sister's which functioned as a birthday party for two of my siblings.

I sent Kelsey the usual early month tribute and she told me that she is getting a couple of lip studs and a nose ring. She is so pretty. I don't know why she needs to do this. It'll probably look okay. I was worried about the little piercing between her nose and lips, but that looked cool. Anyway, I know how sensitive she is so I was reluctant to say the least thing negative. So I tried to give a somewhat neutral reply. I hope I didn't piss her off. I probably shouldn't have said anything as now she may not post any pictures. She hasn't posted a new pic on instagram in weeks.

Rachael's birthday is in a few days. I'm going to see if I have enough credit on my cc to order her a gift from her wishlist now. If I don't then I'll have to send her a gift certificate from Amazon U.S. I hate to do that because the money doesn't go as far and they charge outrageous shipping to the UK. But as Amazon UK will take neither my Amazon charge account or PayPal it will be my only option if I have insufficient credit available on my Visa.

I'm still ranting in my mind about Elaine. She and her husband just got back from a week in San Francisco. They flew there on MY DELTA POINTS that I GIFTED them. I drove them to and from the airport. I took care of their pets while they were gone. And she writes me this ugly, ungrateful email when I wish her a happy birthday. It is no wonder I'm her only friend. I'm the only fool who puts up with that kind of rude bullshit.

Today is Elaine's birthday. I sent her a little email and got a not so nice reply. I told her we'd have a day out soon. She replied that I hadn't taken her any place in two years and that we should just agree that we don't exchange gifts.

I don't think she should talk to me that way. I still pay for her phone. And she is the one who changed our relationship, not me. She is the one who married somebody else while we were involved. She doesn't have any right to be angry at me. I know she is allergic to the pet hair so I can't have her at the house overnight any more. But it was my mother's decision to get the animals, not mine. Well, we've been through worse in what will be 21 years in December. She didn't want to be my domme. She should understand that I have needs. It is my orientation. If I had chosen to have real time relationships rather than serve online then I probably would not have been able to see her at all.

On another topic, I had my last training session before Saturday's CCC 5K Race. My body now has three days to rest. My time in my practice race today was poor. But my body is sore and it was windy. Hopefully three days will be enough for it to heal and ready to go.

Kelsey got 90% on her chemistry test. I am so thrilled. I love my princess. Maybe she had a bad group of friends before that were bringing her down. I can only speculate. But she is doing great now, meeting new people, doing well in her classes, etc. I'm glad she didn't include me as one of the bad elements that needed to be weeded out of her life. Or, if she did, she changed her mind. I want only what is best for her.

It is Halloween, last day of October. More importantly for me right now, is that the big birthday month, November, starts tomorrow. Two siblings, Claudia and Stephen, I have figured out. I'm taking my brother and his wife to a basketball game, some snacks, etc. For Claudia, who is a huge Beatles fan, I'm talking her to a concert by a Beatles group. I think they call themselves 1964, and do mostly early Beatles stuff. Elaine, my best friend and former real time mistress, we will have a day out, lunch, etc. And Rachael, on Nov 13, I was just looking at her list. Several pairs of shoes on the list are not in stock. The one I'd like to get her is £76, and I don't think I'll be able to afford that. She has another for £20 that I think is in stock. I'll probably get her that and a couple of books. She seems to be a huge Irvine Welsh fan and has several Welsh books on her list.

I hope Kelsey doesn't get too upset about money being tight this month. I'll get her usual early month payment to her but late month will be tight. Kelsey's birthday is in early December, and then there is Christmas. I have a huge Christmas list... my Mom and six siblings, besides Kelsey and all my former mistresses that I'm still fond of. I have an expensive couple of months ahead.

Today Mariah tweets, "I want money". I don't have to guess who she is talking to. Perhaps I shouldn't have responded to her tweet last week. I was likely going to end things with Mariah even if Kelsey had not gotten back in touch with me because I felt like I was just funding her weed habit. If she had an Amazon account with some small items I might be able to send her an occasional gift. But she doesn't and I'm not sending her cash. I think Dominoes has some gift e-cards that can be used for pizza delivery nation wide. Maybe I'll do that some time. Or perhaps a subway gift card would be a more healthy option. But Mariah is skinny as hell.

Today's run went better. I finished 4 miles in just under 30 minutes, a 7:30/mile pace. So if I can just maintain this level I'll be satisfied with that pace for the race on Nov 9th. I think I have figured out the right amount of extra carbs that is right for me the day before a run. It is about 100 calories of carbs for each mile beyond two. This isn't really much, about 400 calories for a 10K race and not more than a little snack for a 5K. All my muscles and joints feel good right now. I'll have to be careful not to over-train so as not be sore on race day.

A couple of the little gifts I ordered came in. Rachael told me her book came and Kelsey's Halloween costume that I ordered her came in. I was a little worried that the costume wouldn't arrive in time. It was two pieces and Amazon told me one had a delivery date of Oct 31 and the other Nov 5. She got them both.

I'm invited to a Halloween party at my sister's but I don't think I'm dressing up.

I'll have a few more training sessions before the Nov 9 race. I am trying to get my sleeping schedule adjusted. As the race is at 8am, I'm trying to get used to exercising at that time so it will not be a shock to my body. I'm not competing against anyone except myself but I think it is important to set and work towards goals. For me, if I'm not working toward some goal I tend to do next to nothing.

Mariah is tweeting again and has followed me on Twitter. I'm glad to see her back. I've been worried. She is another girl I served and left when Kelsey decided she wanted me back. I feel like such an asshole for doing that. I've begged Kelsey to never make me do it again. These are real people and I care about them, especially Rachael, who I never stopped loving. If Kelsey casts me off again I'm simply not going to officially serve anyone else until a long period of time has passed and I know it is over for good. I can tell myself that I won't go back to her but I'd be kidding myself. If she needs to punish me for something she has to figure out some other way than not communicating with me for months. Of course, I know she has been suffering from mental illness and doesn't think everything through, which makes me more forgiving. Hopefully she has recovered enough that she won't be so rash. I've now served her for over four months continuously, which is the longest that we've ever remained on good terms in the almost two years since our first contact.

I heard from Kelsey today. She told me that she is getting along well with her housemates and hangs out in the common area with them, the kitchen/dining room, where there is a TV. I am so glad to hear about that. I was worried that she was staying shut up alone in her room. She needs to be around people.

A couple of gifts should get delivered tomorrow. One of Rachael's books that I ordered and some sort of cosmetic cream that I ordered for Kelsey.

I've spotted two different possible gifts for Rachael's birthday, one if money is tight and another if I have more to spend. For Elaine, who is November 5, I'll probably just take to dinner or something... or maybe lunch. If I take her to dinner I have to take her husband also.

Great run this morning. 7min/mile for 1st 1.25 miles then continued to 7 miles at under an 8 min/mile pace. 5K race in couple of weeks. I'll go ahead and sign up now as I think I'll be able to beat my last year's time. I was going to skip the race if I thought I couldn't. I ran the 10K at an average of 7:31 per mile. This race is only 5K and I certainly want to run faster than I did in the 10K. I'd be happy with a 7:30 per mile pace. This would be a run time of 23:15 for the 3.1 mile race. I will do a test race for this exact distance my next time at the track.

I'll run every other day leading up to the race and lift weights on my days off. I'll avoid heavy leg lifting for a couple of weeks and save my legs for the road. Over the last nine months I'd been doing HIIT and weight lifting 5 days a week and really only running once a weeks. During that time my run times dropped off by about 20 seconds per mile. I'm just starting to regain what I lost. My run workouts usually start with some fast intervals followed by about 4 miles of steady state.

A few days ago I got worried that I'd missed Rachael's birthday. I was pretty sure it was in November but then she started tweeting about some family thing that I thought might be a bd celebration. Then she said something about finally being a full adult. I thought, "My God, her bd is in Oct and I missed it." Well, I checked her Amazon wish list and confirmed that it is in Nov. While I was there I ordered her a book of poetry that was on her list. But a couple of days later it was not dispatched so maybe they don't have it in stock. This was not her bd present. I can spend a bit more than that. Anyway, today I read her tweet that she wanted a book by some author, Irvine. I knew she had several of those on her list so I ordered her one. I think it is Bedroom Secrets of Master Chefs, or something like that. I sent Rachael a tweet that I'd ordered her the book. She invited me to chat but I had to leave to go take care of Elaine's pets across the lake... a 30 mile drive each way. I have to be kind of careful with how much I talk to Rachael anyway. I don't want to fall in love with her again as it would totally screw things up for me... and it would be so easy. Keeping things going well with Kelsey is absolutely essential to my mental health. I am a total basket case when I'm not in contact with Kelsey.

Kelsey wrote me yesterday saying that she wanted some surprises and to send her some stuff from her wishlist. I'm kind of skint this time of month but I sent her a couple of the inexpensive items on her UK list. She has a U.S. list where I can charge stuff, but they rape you on the shipping and extra charges. So I use it as a last resort.

Kelsey told me she liked Bob's Burgers. I looked it up on netflix and watched the first episode. I don't think this one is for me. She told me that I might be too old to appreciate the humor. Well, I think South Park and King of the Hill are funny. But some of these other cartoons I'll pass on. I don't like Family Guy.

I did like Pretty Little Liars, Kelsey's favorite show. But I've been through all of them on netflix. I have to try to find some things that she likes so that I'll have something to talk about with her. Rachael got me on Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. I loved both of those but now netflix in the U.S. does not have the latest episodes of either.

Tomorrow I have to be the driver for Elaine. She is going on holiday someplace with her hubby. I'd given them my frequent flyer miles as a gift, which is paying their airfare. I have to take care of the pets while she's gone. I'm not her slave any more, but she still asks me to lots of stuff, which I do as a friend. Perhaps if I outlive her husband we may someday be a couple again. Other than that, I'm not looking for any real time relationships.

Rachael posted to her old twitter about no one caring that she hadn't tweeted in so long. Well, somebody cared very much, angel. I was quite upset until I found your new a account. There is at least one person out in twitter land who thinks you're very special.

I got my early month tribute off to my mistress and she was pleased. She posted a pic of the pizza she ordered with part of it. I hope she's exercising. I may send her a package with various exercise items, vitamins, etc. She may never use the stuff but I'm a health and fitness nut and I can't help pushing it on people, especially people I care about.

Rachael seems to be in love. I am so glad she has a full happy life. What a lucky guy somebody is to have such a beautiful angel. She is so sweet and loving.

Vany still seems to be on the outs with her boyfriend of a few years. They still seem to be friends and sometimes do stuff together. But she refers to him as her ex.

Both Elaine, my former real time mistress, and Rachael, former online mistress, have birthdays in November. I have to think about what I'm going to do, what I can afford, and what Kelsey will not get upset about.

I got a response from Kelsey and, to my surprise, she is totally cool with me talking to my former online mistresses, including Rachael. And she said it is okay to send them occasional gifts as long as I don't spend too much.

This is a relief. I think it shows that Kelsey has come along way. She is more self-confident and secure. Of course, she didn't give me any guide lines on how much I'm allowed to spend. I'll just try to make sure that it doesn't cut into what I'm supposed to send her.

Besides Kelsey being my online mistress/owner, I feel a further obligation to keep up the payments in a timely manner. Kelsey got a smaller student loan than she was eligible for, which will reduce her future debt burden, based partly on money I told her that she could count on from me. As I'm responsible for her doing this I think it commits me morally.

I've always tried to avoid situations where women actually counted on the money they got from me as part of their budget. In some cases, where I thought it might come to that, I started sending only gift cards instead of cash to make sure. But I really love Kelsey and want to do all I can to help her get through uni with as little financial pressure as possible.

It took some courage, but I just wrote Kelsey and told her that I was again on friendly terms with Rachael. I told her that I have every intention of being loyal to her but that I'd like to send Rachael something for her birthday next month. I now nervously await her reply. These women intimidate me so much. But I guess that's part of what makes me a submissive.

I wonder why I can't allow myself to be happy for even one day without finding something else to worry about. I am delighted to be back on good terms with Rachael. But now I'm worried about how I tell Kelsey about this. While I'm not absolutely certain, I think the reason that Kelsey told me to fuck off in February is that I had just started talking to Rachael again and she thought that I was getting ready to leave her to serve Rachael. And my immediate running to Rachael the second she dumped me didn't do much to make her think otherwise.

I don't think that Kelsey has ever been on this site or seen this journal, but she does occasionally read my tweets. Now that I exchanged a tweet with Rachael it is only a matter of time till she sees. So I have to tell her before she finds out herself and thinks that I'm hiding something. I'm going to tell her that I intend to get Rachael something for her birthday next month and that I plan to buy Christmas gifts for Vany, Mariah, and Rachael. Hopefully she won't have a problem with any of that. This has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings and loyalty to Kelsey. But I care very deeply for Rachael and the idea that she hated me was very difficult for me to live with. And, of course, I was living with that same type of pain when I was serving Rachael and thought that Kelsey hated me.

I worry about lots of things regarding Kelsey. I'm concerned about her self-esteem, her self-confidence, her anxiety condition, and her general emotional state. I want to do all I can to make her feel good about herself and the direction her life is going. She seems to be in a good frame of mind now but I get no indication of the ups and downs she goes through on a daily basis now that she is not on twitter any more.

I got a nice little note back from Rachael. I am so happy about this. I love you, Angel.

Ok, Kelsey is back at school and is feeling much better. She posted a pic on Instagram wearing this form fitting back dress. She looks fantastic. It appears that she has dark hair again. I got my courage up and wrote to Rachael, my previous mistress, yesterday via a note on an Amazon gift card. There has been no reaction direct or indirect. But I was incorrect about her not tweeting for a week. She has been using one of her other accounts where she has only a couple of dozen followers, not 1500. I'm relieved to see she's okay.

I wrote to Kelsey today asking if she was feeling better, if she was back at school, etc. She has not replied. I don't want to risk pissing her off, which is easy to do. I also don't want to come across like I'm trying to be her dad, which is a mistake I made with Rachael the first time. This is just so difficult when she keeps me in the dark. I hope she realizes that I genuinely care about her and this is not just a fetish game.

Still no tweets from Rachael. Tomorrow will be a week. The only time she ever went that long without tweeting is when she was off on holiday. I'm tempted to write to her but I'm chicken. She made it pretty clear she was not interested in maintaining any type of contact. Hopefully she has just been busy and hasn't had time to tweet.

I called an ad today that was advertising for full or part time sales work. I've been thinking about taking a part time job. I have loads of free time. But when I called they told me to watch an online orientation... oh brother. I'll watch before I make judgement. They say it starts at 4pm my time, which is in about 12 minutes.

Well, I sent Kelsey my end of month tribute and got back a letter with some disturbing news. She is not at the student halls but back at home. She said she got a terrible cold and is sick in bed. I am not really worried about her physical health, as far as the cold goes. But other things do worry me. The new semester has just started. I'm worried that she misses classes and gets so hopelessly behind that she can never catch up.

Also, she only told me that she has a cold. What if that is not the real reason she is back at home. What if it really has to do with her anxiety condition. Perhaps she suddenly got scared and nervous and just couldn't handle it.

And I am also worried that if she does not do well at uni this semester that it will totally destroy her self-confidence and have a negative impact on her life for many years into the future.

I love my princess, I'm worried about her, and I feel totally helpless. I can only pray... please, God, give her strength.

Rachael has not tweeted in a few days. I hope everything is alright. I've gotten used to her pattern and know that she usually doesn't tweet much on the weekends, which I think she spends with her boyfriend. But she usually tweets lots during the week. But hardly anything this week.

The weather is getting really nice here. I hope it keeps up. Clear blue skies and temps in the mid 70s to low 80s. I planned to play poker today but this thing I had to drive my mother to took too long. I am going to tell her I'll drive her one way but she'll have to get a cab back from now on. I have to drop her off at around 11am, then I have to wait around all day for her to call for a ride... which today was after 3pm. It basically kills just about my entire day. She actually drives but she's a heavy drinker and always drinks when she has lunch out with friends so is in no condition to drive.

Vany's new pay site is up and running. I hope it does well. She is charging $50 for 6 months of access. I will pay to join but doubt I will go there much. I think she plans on doing some raunchy stuff and I'm just not into that.

Kelsey wrote me today so I'm happy. I'm especially happy because she usually only writes in response to me and seldom initiates. But she did today. She gave me a link to her new Amazon list. I told her some time ago I wanted her to make an Amazon U.S. list because my Amazon credit card was not accepted on Amazon UK. When I'm short on money I can now send her a gift. Plus, looking over the wish list of my mistress and deciding what to buy her is fun for me. I especially like when I get a picture of her wearing or using something that I bought her.

I have some money put away to send her the last week of this month but I'm trying to win some more at poker so that the amount will be a bit better.

Today I had to drive Mom and friends around to the retired school teacher luncheon. Her friend is just about stone deaf but never stops talking. She can't hear what ever you say to her but it doesn't stop her from asking stuff. It seems every old person I've known, when they get hard at hearing, is reluctant to get a hearing aid. It is so silly. They wear glasses, so what is the big deal. But none of them even realize that they are deaf.

I had a good workout today wearing my 40LB weight vest. I first did weights then ran about 1.5 miles wearing the 40lb vest. I set a new best time for this workout today. Tomorrow I play poker.

One more episode of the Tudors to watch now. What a bloody tyrant Henry VIII was. It is disgusting, though entertaining and interesting.

I should delete that last journal entry. I'm a man and a slave, not a cry baby.

I just had a brief email exchange with Kelsey. She is having a good time and going to parties. She sends me two lines of text and I have an erection for two hours. It is absolutely insane the effect she has on me.

Classes start next week and I assumed that she had to buy some text books. She said that she already has them. She must be retaking some classes from her first stint at uni. I hope she does well. She doesn't strike me as the science type but she is studying microbiology. She is a very girly girl. Any type of biology requires a high tolerance for very gross shit... blood & guts, cutting apart animals. She thinks it is just about looking at cells through a microscope. I think she is in for a surprise. I was just in physical education and I still had to dissect a cat and a pig.

Vany is now selling nude posters. I'll send her the purchase price to be supportive but tell her to keep the poster. I wouldn't feel right looking at nudes of a woman I served. I'm a slave and don't feel worthy, and feel it is disrespectful. But I don't think there is anything wrong with her decision to do nudes.

I still have not seen any twitter activity from Mariah in a long time. I might send her a small item from her wish list if Kelsey doesn't take all my extra money this month. She told me she has all her text books but that doesn't mean that she'll let me off easy.

And Rachael, what a delightful creature. If I spring for pizza some time I'll have to keep quiet about it. I don't think Kelsey minds me sending occasional small gifts to Vany and Mariah as I don't think she considers them a threat. But she knows how I feel about Rachael. When I say anything about Rachael I think she thinks it means that I have become disenchanted with her, which isn't true. I only wish she was more talkative.

My mistress barely acknowledges my existence. Is it shyness or complete disinterest? When I'm serving someone else she is not shy about coming in and busting it up. When I'm serving her I barely hear from her.

I heard from Kelsey today, thank God. Everything is fine, she is happy with her new place and her house mates, classes start next week, and she is not done with me :)

I have to remember that Kelsey is not a professional domme, I didn't meet her on a fetish site, and I am probably the only slave she has ever had or really even had contact with. I saw some foot slave guys talking with her on twitter but I don't think that came to anything.

One thing common among almost all slaves is that we are needy. A real slave loves his mistress and craves her attention, just like a dog. Ignoring a slave for a while is like locking a dog in the closet. He feels totally abandoned. I think I'm a somewhat low maintenance slave. I don't need real time sessions. I don't require cam, skype, or telephone sessions of any kind. A couple of emails a week will keep me relatively happy.

She has to know how addicted to her I am. I ended three different online relationships that were all going pretty well for her. I hope she doesn't take this lightly. I loved Rachael, and still do. And I was starting to get very fond of Mariah. If Kelsey ends things with me again, well, I just can't keep going through this cycle. It is too emotionally wrenching. But that's what I feared had happened.

I had actually ended things with Vany when I came into contact with Rachael, who I fell in love with the very first day. But then I had sort of started back with Vany and didn't fully commit because I thought I had the opportunity to serve Kelsey again.

This is an anniversary of sorts. It was 3 months ago that Kelsey got back in touch with me, when Rachael was going on her cruise. Even though I've been talking to, and serving this girl off an on for almost two years, this is actually the first time we have remained on good terms for three full months. That's almost unbelievable.

Well, I haven't heard from Kelsey since she left for uni on Friday. She posted one histogram pic of her propped up slipperd feet that just said "chillen". This let me know she arrived ok. I wrote her asking if her house mates arrived, if she liked the place, when classes started, etc. She has not replied.

I'm worried about both possibilities I envision: something could be wrong OR everything is great and now that she has a real life she has no use for me any more. I hope neither of these are the case. Hopefully she has just been too busy to email.

Omg, omg, omg... Kelsey leaves for uni today. She is the one with the anxiety condition but I'm having the panic attack. This is a very big deal for someone with her condition. She has been within the confines of her comfort zone, her bedroom and her house, for a long time now. She may have felt lonely but she felt safe. Now she is going out into the big world. I believe she is strong and will not have another breakdown. But I'm nervous just the same.

I am not writing to her right now because while I want to be a calming influence I fear that my anxiety will rub off on her. I just want to hear back from her that she is settled in her new place and that she feels comfortable and secure. I want so much to comfort her and make her feel safe but there is really very little that I can do except to be supportive. I am probably making a big deal over nothing. But I love my princess and I always worry about her. Please, God, give Kelsey the strength to face the new challenges that await. Let her come back as strong as Rachael did.

5 miles run in nearly 90 degrees, ahhh. If I want to be serious about running in the summer I prob need to get out around 6am. But I don't feel like doing that because I like to eat breakfast first and then wait 90 minutes. I'd need to get up before 5am.

I'm behind on my studies. I need to cut down on the Words with Friends.

Happy kinking.

Kelsey told me a few months ago that she had quit smoking. I checked with her today to see if she was successful with that. She has been. She hasn't smoked in months. I'm so happy and proud of her. Now I know she can do anything because this is about the single most difficult thing anyone can do.

I'm glad I never started smoking because it is unlikely I would have been able to quit. I have had very little success quitting any of my vices, such as fetishes. And mine have only been psychologically addictive. Smoking is both physically and psychologically addictive.

Elaine has lost her writing job. Foreign competition from 3rd world countries, willing to write for nothing, has ruined the writing business. The online magazine she was writing for presented her with the new payment plan, which she rejected.

I met some older guy at the park. Actually, he is probably my age but has a full head of white hair which I think makes a guy look older than shaving the head completely. Anyway, he was doing shot put, pole vaulting, etc, on the track. He saw me working out and asked if I was interested in competing and that the senior Olympics were in October. I told him I was training for cross-fit, where I hope to compete as a youngster in the 54-57 year old division in 2014. I think I have a better chance in a general fitness competition like cross-fit than in something like the Olympics where you really need a specialty. This guy was doing the decathlon. There are lots of skill elements in that beyond just fitness.

I may skip the races this year: the Crescent City Classic 5k and 10K. I have added more upper body muscle, which I need for cross-fit, but it has slowed down my run times. I've only gained about 5 lbs but it has slowed my distance running times by about 20 seconds per mile. It would really be a downer for me to run and get a worse time than last year.

I get some new mail here. It is a one liner from a woman in my area: I am a fin domme.

Wow. I look at her profile and there are no pictures and her profile is like two sentences. I wouldn't expect that she is doing very well here. Would anyone actually respond to something like that?

Only a couple of more days till Kelsey is off to uni. I'm excited and nervous for her. God, please give her strength.

It is never a mistake to be kind and comfort someone who is hurting. Even if you don't think your kindness was properly appreciated, people like you make the world a better place. I also am trying to be of comfort to someone who has had a very rough time. Even if it ultimately does not work out I will not think it a mistake.

Okay, I just got my early September payment off to Kelsey, £100. She leaves for uni on Friday. She will have her own room and bath and share a common area living room with four or five others. That's good. Private but not too private. She needs social interaction. I hope she socializes in the common area and doesn't stay shut up in her room. The way that she cut herself off from the world during her depressed state is especially bad for her because she is so introverted. This makes it difficult for her to make new friends, female and male. I want so much for her to be happy.

Still watching the Tudors. Henry has now met, and is totally taken by, Jane... his next wife to be. This means the end is near for Anne, my favorite, the one that reminds me of Rachael. I think she is getting executed in the next episode. It is a great series but Henry is a true asshole.

Vany sent me an email. She said I was the best slave that she'd ever had. I don't know how many she's had. She is thinking of starting a pay site and is feeling the water among her fans. This will be a place where she will do live chat, skype, etc. I hope she does well. I very much like her, even if I never developed anything like the same level of fondness that I have for Kelsey and Rachael.

Mariah has dropped out of site. I hope her mom didn't take a turn for the worse. Both her parents had cancer when I met her. Her father already died. I had contributed to her mother's cancer fund which I saw a link to on her sister's facebook. I may look at her sister's facebook again to see if I can find out what is going on. That is where I also found out that Mariah had lied to me about her age. I don't know why. I'm 53. WTF do I care if she is 20 or 23?

I'll always care about you, Angel. I can't wait see what you do with your hair. You were lots of fun. I sure miss you.

I had a brief email exchange with Kelsey yesterday. I wrote to tell her when she could expect the early September payment. She responded to make sure it was cash and not an Amazon card, which I do when I'm short on cash.

I am happy and excited any time I have exchanges with her. But I wish she were more talkative. It is difficult serving a mistress with so little contact. But I love her and each time she writes to me I am reminded how important she is to me, in case I had started to forget.

I haven't updated in a few days as I've been involved in a chess tournament that lasted 3 days. I'm disappointed with my result: 3 wins, one draw, 3 losses. An even score, but I'm highly rated and should have done better. My rating will move down a bit now.

On Friday I got a call from my former real time mistress, Elaine, who is still a good friend. Her house was having electrical work done and her power was off. She wanted me to bring her some lunch. So I prepared a meal and brought it to her. The power came back on shortly after lunch and she had me vacuum the house and then drive her around on some errands. It was a nice afternoon.

Mariah has not tweeted in a while. I hope everything is okay. Kelsey posted cheerful pics on instagram, which makes me smile. Rachael has been asking guys to paypal her money for pizza on twitter. I was so tempted but things are tight and I have to make sure I have my tribute for Kelsey ready before she leaves for uni.

I've been searching for a new netflix series to entertain me. I watched all available episodes of Breaking Bad and Walking Dead, both Rachael shows, and also all of Pretty Little Liars, a Kelsey show. I liked all of them. I just found a great series, it has 38 episodes. It was originally a Showtime series, The Tudors. It is about the reign of King Henry VIII. It is great. I'm about half way through but I really like the segment I'm in now because the actress that plays Anne Boleyn reminds me very much of Rachael... with dark hair.

Well, I had a 3 day break from working out, the longest rest I've taken for a while. But I made up for it today and just had a 50 minute high intensity circuit training workout, average heart rate 152. That's intense. I felt like quitting half way through.

That's all for now folks.

I sent my princess a gift card today and we exchanged a couple of emails. Now I'm happy again. It really doesn't take much. But I'm an addict and she is my drug. I'm high when I get a little dose. Then it wears off and I go into withdrawal and start feeling down and depressed until I get another dose.

I read Rachael's tweets the other day and now I can't get this tune out of my head, The Girl from Ipamena.

I took a rare day off from working out today. I had to drive mom and friends around for the old lady luncheon.

I'm sending my princess and Amazon gift card today. I know she'd rather have cash but this is all I can do at the moment, because I can use my Amazon charge card.

Kelsey put a blue fringe around the bottom of her hair. The pic she posted on Instagram looks great, but not because of the hair. I actually thought it was a scarf. But she just has a captivating look about her. I'm going to really try to do my best. I'm a slave and I should not be complaining. I just have to remember how badly I will be hurting if I totally lose contact with her again.

After the first of the month I should be able to send her £100 sometimes in the first week of the month or so.... definitely before she leaves for school.

So, what is it going to be like serving Kelsey for the next four years while she is at uni? Is she going to talk to me about stuff that is going on in her life? Right now I feel like I'm looking at a brick wall and dropping money through a slot. I love and adore her but I'm not getting back much to chew on. I will bide my time a little bit then I'll see if she is receptive to the idea of having short conversations on the phone or skype a couple of times a month. She is so damn introverted.

When we first met on twitter we exchanged tweets and DMs all the time, just about every day. This is when I became so attached to her. It has not been like that since but she somehow nailed my heart to the wall. When she and I are on the outs I am depressed all the time and continue thinking about her... even through periods of several months with no contact. I have to make this work or else I am going to be sad and worried about her all the time again. I hate living like that. Rachael was able to comfort me somewhat, but I was still hurting over Kelsey being gone from my life.

And now I really miss Rachael also. I love these two girls.

I just caught up on Rachael's tweets. I don't spend lots of time on twitter any more. I like her new avi. It doesn't matter what color her hair is with that beautiful face. And it is good to see her smile rather than making the fish mouth.

How good is Paul McCartney, seriously? Probably the greatest musical genius of the 20th century. In an interview, Andrew Loyd Weber was asked about his "musical genius". He said that he didn't consider himself one. The shocked interviewer said, then who is? Weber said, Paul McCartney.

I also love Mull of Kintyre. I love the video with Linda. Any time I watch it on YouTube the tune will stay in my head for days and I think of Rachael. It takes me back in time to the first couple of months I knew her and she posted the link on YouTube. She said, "If anybody doesn't like this tell me now because I'll be mad if later on I find out that you don't like it and didn't tell me."

Another of his songs that makes me think of Rachael is Golden Slumbers. When he sings, "little darling do not cry", in my mind I'm thinking little angel... and I will sing a lullaby.

I hate to complain, but with Kelsey being off off Facebook and Twitter I have that feeling you get when your favorite TV show is cancelled or taken off of Netflix. She answers my emails but almost never writes unless it is a reply to an email from me... and I have trouble finding things to talk about. I'm bored and need more Kelsey in my life.

A quick note to submissive women who write to me (and they frequently do): I could never dominate a woman. Women make me weak. I am a born slave and feel that serving women is my purpose in life. However, I'm happy to chat.

Ok, Saints won their 2nd preseason game. Go New Orleans.

Vany had a birthday this week. She made 26. I sent her a wishlist item and a $30 gift card. We had a nice email exchange. Vany is the woman I was serving just prior to Rachael. We are still friendly. Vany is a model and tattoo artist. Her modeling is for ink magazines.

I haven't heard from Kelsey since Wednesday. That's not long, but I still have withdrawal symptoms.

Rachael seems to have given up on her attempts to quit smoking. I'm sad for her and her future children. It is so awful.

I'm glad to see that Mariah is tweeting again. I've been worried about her. I could see myself serving her again one day if things ever go bad with Kelsey.

I'm continuing to study for my personal trainer certification while I clobber everyone at Words with Friends.

Okay, the Saints won their first pre-season game today. Not that it matters, but it is good psychologically.

Kelsey's latest Instagram pic is stunning. She looks absolutely fantastic. I hope when she makes a new boyfriend at uni, which is certain, that I won't get tossed aside.

I still love you, angel... so much so that tears sometimes come to my eyes when I look at your photo. And I don't have to say again how sorry I am about how things happened. But one day you may find yourself in the exact same position that I was in and will be forced to choose between two people you care very much about. I think that I'm a positive in Kelsey's life and I feel good about what I'm doing.

Okay, sis picked up her two cats and we looked around the neighborhood for the missing one. No sign of it. She knows it is not my fault.

Tomorrow I'll have my early month payment for Kelsey, £100. She has decided to color the pink streaks in her hair green now, lol. At least she is having fun and I"m glad I'm contributing to it. If she is having bad days I don't know about it because she has no facebook or twitter. She does have an instagram account. The other day she posted a pic of the ground with a comment, "Fuck Clydebank". If that is the worst of it then it is not too bad. She replies to my emails usually the same day or next day, and she has generally seemed to be in a good mood. She leaves for uni in a few weeks. I think that I'm serving her well.

Elaine, my former real time mistress, needs some help with things tomorrow including being driven around. She is going to buy me lunch.

I'm supposed to be caring for my sister's three cats while she is on holiday. She dropped them off four days ago. One of them I have not seen since 10 minutes after she dropped them off. I think it is gone. I looked everywhere. Of the other two, one of them is friendly and the other stays mostly hidden, coming out occasionally to visit the food dish.

I am somewhat at peace now, at least compared to how it has been for me the last couple of years. I'm happy serving Kelsey but I still think of Rachael often. I check her tweets every day.

One of my ex mistresses from about three years ago, M, just added me to her Google plus circle. That was a surprise. I may have already written about that.

Happy kinking everyone.

Kelsey must really not like the pink streak she put in her hair. She hasn't posted a pic in a few days.

One of my former mistresses, Melissa, has added me to her Google Plus Circle. I went ahead and added her because I don't like to snub people. But I never use Google Plus. Don't we have enough with Facebook and Twitter?

hmmm, somebody on my favorites list has turned into a mummy. I still say it looks like a fake, something about the teeth. I don't get to see that beautiful face any more, and that was one of my favorite pics. I'm pretty sure I copied it. She is so beautiful.

Kelsey put a pink streak in her hair. I don't think it looks bad but she must not like it. She says it didn't come out like she expected. She posted a pick on instagram with a pout on her face, much like Rachael's pouty face pic after she dyed her hair. I don't know if it is my imagination, but it just seems like British girls mess with their hair color more frequently than American girls do. Or maybe I'm just behind the times.

My sister is going on vacation for 9 days and just dropped her 3 cats off over here... wonderful. There is nothing erotic about being a slave for your sisters.

I'm not a man who likes to swear but I never cared for the sound of being alone.

Most important business for today is that I have to paypal Kelsey some money. How much will depend on the exchange rate. I intended to do it earlier but my sister came over and I couldn't get rid of her. She messed up my workout schedule, among other things. I don't mind visiting but I don't like unannounced drop-ins. Because I don't have a regular job nobody has any respect for my time.

I haven't seen a tweet from Mariah in several days. I hesitate to write her because she asks me for money every time I do, and I know she spends it on drugs.

Vany has dyed her hair red. That doesn't look bad but I hate these piercings that she got through her cheeks.

I hope Kelsey doesn't mind that I still check up on my ex-mistresses. I left all three of them for her. I really don't know what I'm going to do if Kelsey ever tells me to fuck off again. I don't like the idea of serving someone else and then making them feel second best when Kelsey calls for me again. But she knows that she has that kind of control over me.

Rachael's hamster, Biscuit, has gone missing. That's sad. I know she loved it. She took pictures of it all the time. Somebody who had to take care of it while she was gone probably left the cage open.

Elaine wants me to click on all of her articles even if I don't read them. She is getting a bonus for page views. She really works hard for this online tabloid she is writing for. She has to write 12 articles a day.

My sister keeps trying to get me to go out with our cousin searching through old cemeteries for the graves of your great grandparents. This totally does not interest me. I am going to the Antiques Road Show with her next week. They are filming in Baton Rouge. We get to each take two items for free appraisal.

I like Kelsey's latest instagram pics she posted. But she seriously looks like a completely different person each time. If I picked out my fav photos from her from my collection I could believe that there are actually four distinctively different individuals... all quite attractive, of course.

Mariah is tweeting less. I hope everything is okay with her. She has kind of a sad life. But the drugs are not helping.

Yard work to do today.

Rachael is tweeting again. Good, the world is right again. No tweets for five full days is extremely rare for her.

Kelsey told me I have to stop buying her wishlist stuff until she goes back to uni. Her parents are too nosy about the packages and about where she is getting money to buy stuff.

I had lunch with my ex-mistress, real time, Elaine, today. We're now just friends. I had to drive across the lake, about 35 miles, to take Mom and her friend to a luncheon at a country club over there. Elaine lives about a half mile from where they were meeting. By chance, she texted me this morning and asked if I wanted to come over for lunch. We went out and had a nice lunch in just enough time before Mom was calling me to come pick her up. It was a nice afternoon.

Well, I'm not serving Rachael any more. Does that mean that I shouldn't worry about her? I wish. She hasn't tweeted in five days. I don't worry like I used to because she is in a pretty stable state. But I still worry. I hope that I didn't make her feel less special. She didn't talk to me for a year and during that time somebody else took over the special place in my heart that she had occupied. But she is still very special to me. I hope nothing is wrong. Hopefully it is simply that her busy real life now leaves little time for twitter.

Kelsey told me that she would probably look for a job while at uni for social reasons even if she doesn't need the money. That's cool, as long as she can handle that work load with her studies. Unlike last time, she will be living on campus at the student halls this time. She is excited and is buying decorations for her room and new clothes. She is making remarkable progress. I hope and pray it keeps up.

I get worried when I don't hear from my mistress for a few days. I wrote her today, Friday morning, because I hadn't exchanged any correspondence with her since Monday, and she didn't make any online updates. Everything was fine and we exchanged a couple of emails today. I will get less worried about her as time goes on. However, I will still yearn for any attention from her of any kind as I am totally addicted to her.

I continue my studying for certification as a personal trainer. I've been semi-retired, mostly living off of income from my rental properties. This provides me only with subsistence and a small bit of discretionary money that I can devote to my mistress. I have to start working again if I want more than that or I want to treat my mistress better, or at least more consistently. £200 per month would probably be good, along with a few presents, if I were sure I could do that every month. But little emergencies pop up so I will need to have some more income to assure that Kelsey will not have to work after she goes off to the university in September. She posted on twitter before, while I was not serving her, that if she didn't get a job she would only have £50 per month while at school. I don't know if this is from her student loan or if her father is giving her an allowance. I haven't questioned her about it. But it is not enough to do much with. I want her to be both happy and to not be under any financial pressure or hardship. I don't want her to have to refuse invitations to go out with the new friends she makes because she can't afford it. I will be a good slave and do my duty for her. I'll work so that she doesn't have to.

Women are still sending me messages here about serving them. They apparently read neither my profile nor my journal. I am happy to chat with anyone. But I am in servitude and am happy with the situation. Further, if things should ever go bad with my mistress, I very much like the previous three women that I served. At least two of them would be glad to have me back. I don't see myself shopping for a new mistress ever again.

Kelsey got more than her ears pierced on her little shopping trip the other day. She also got a piercing on her face, under the nose. I was worried that she messed up her pretty face when she told me about it. But she just posted some pics on instagram and she looks fantastic. I don't know how she'd feel about me posting a pic of her on this site so I won't. But I really like it and I am happy about her recent upbeat mood.

I just had one of the most frustrating 45 minutes of my life trying to order Kelsey a gift from her Ebay wishlist and then dealing with this Ebay customer service rep in chat. This place apparently allows users to set up wishlists and gift registry addresses but then offers no way for anyone to actually buy the person a gift and have it shipped to their address???

Kelsey made her shopping trip okay. She got her ears pierced again and also got a philtrum piercing as well. I don't think it is healed as in the pic she just posted on instagram she is holding her phone to cover that portion of her face.

I'm watching Wimbledon now. I'm pulling for Murray since some of my favorite people live in Scotland.

I have begun starting to study for certification as a personal trainer/ fitness instructor. I'm coming out of retirement. I want my princess to be able to concentrate on her studies at uni and hang out with friends and w/o having to worry about getting a job, if she doesn't want to, while she is in school.

Okay, so Rachael and I will not be twitter friends. Vany and Mariah are my only ex-online mistresses that I now remain on a friendly basis with and I send them occasional gifts. If Kelsey ever casts me away again I will probably go back to Mariah... but only if she gets off the weed. I would also let her know upfront that if Kelsey should call for me again that I would have to go. I ended things with Mariah the last time because Kelsey called for me.

I felt as bad, or worse, about leaving Mariah as I did Rachael. It is not because of my feelings for her, however. I love Rachael but had not yet developed any such feelings for Mariah. However, her father had just died and her mother has cancer. It is very hard to not feel for someone in that situation. I contributed to her mother's cancer fund. She told me it was not about the money but she was just sad that yet another person was now leaving her life. It made me cry. But she is a drug user and I don't feel right about giving money to drug users anyway. I feel like I'm just supporting their addiction and helping to prevent them from moving forward with their lives.

I am so at ease now that I'm getting regular communication from Kelsey. I've been so worried about her it was making me sick. I know that I am a poor substitute for school, a job, friends, a boyfriend, etc. But I'll do everything in my power to bring a smile to her face.

She is making progress. I sent her some money and she is going shopping today. Just getting on the bus and going to town alone is a big deal for someone with her anxiety condition.

Her sleep patterns are highly irregular. This I can tell just from the varied times that I see her online. This is somewhat related to the medications.

Kelsey has a short fuse. My goal is to serve her without pissing her off. This is difficult but I'll do my best. She is my princess and I want to make her happy. I love Kelsey.

I woke up to an incredible letter from Rachael. She has released me from servitude and told me not to feel bad, just focus on Kelsey. I can't believe her maturity at only 19. Rachael knows me well enough to know that I felt terrible. She could have easily allowed me to carry this burden and suffer in guilt indefinitely.

Beyond that, Rachael has reached out to talk to and help Kelsey, who suffers from depression, just as Rachael did a short time ago. Rachael is a truly incredible person and this is why I fell in love with her the very first time we ever chatted. I was feeling very down at the time. Rachael has a gift for comforting people. It is her essence. How could anyone not love her?

Kelsey is kind of shy. I will forward Rachael's kind words to her but I don't know whether she will accept. I hope she does. Having someone to talk to who is her own age, her own gender, her own nationality, from the same town, and has been through depression herself could be an enormous comfort... especially someone as warm and caring as Rachael.

Rachael unfollowed me on twitter. I guess I screwed up bad. We were friendly again before I started serving her. I should have left it like that for a while.

Since I changed my avi so that I'm no longer holding the Rachael owns me sign I've started getting mail from women asking me to be their slave. For anyone reading this, don't bother. I'll have friendly conversation with anyone. But Rachael and Kelsey are the only two women who interest me. I wish I could have served them both.

I miss Rachael already. I see her tweets and think about how nice it was corresponding with her. K no longer posts on Twitter or Facebook. So I can't see what's going on with her. I'm happy when we have some correspondence but then I worry when I hear nothing from her. She would like it best if I served her but didn't worry about her. But she should know me by now. That goes with the territory. I worry about the people I care about.

These two girls are the only two women on the planet that I have any interest in. I'm now back to worrying again about being abandoned. But I would not have Rachael waiting for me. I think things will be okay with Kelsey for July and August. But what happens when she goes off to uni in September? Will she have time for me? Will she bother?

I have taken a rather big risk. I think I could have been happy serving Rachael for the rest of my life. Now she is not going to have me back. I served my previous online mistress on and off for the last year and a half. But it has never gone more than about three months without her breaking things off with me. Each time I was totally emotionally crushed. And each time I was over joyed when she contacted me again after a period of months of no contact.

So, here we go again. I also had two periods of servitude with Rachael, but it was just one long gap, not really the same thing at all. And I was also overjoyed when I heard from Rachael again after about a year of no contact. I love her and she is extremely special to me. However, it was a mistake of me to begin serving her so soon after K broke things off with me. I should have given it some time and only contacted Rachael when Kelsey was out of my head. But I was hurting and I knew that Rachael could comfort me. I was selfish. Of course, I really did not think that I would hear from K again. But I did and I still love her.

I feel terrible but I'll do the only thing I can do. I'll do my best to serve K and make sure it works this time. But I still love you, Rachael. You have no idea how special you are to me. Perhaps there is some strange quirk in me that I'm drawn to people who have problems. I'm obsessed with K in the exact same way that I was obsessed with you.

I've abandoned my little angle and I feel sick. She is a beautiful and wonderful person and I'm horrible. I have high moral ideals but I'm too weak to live up to my own standards.

Rachael has been on holiday, a Caribbean cruise, for a week. Just before her departure an unexpected thing happened. I heard from my former mistress, K. I love Rachael and she has been a tremendous comfort to me, but I've never really gotten over K. K is not in good shape mentally/emotionally and I think she needs me. This is very difficult for me.

I want to suffer and struggle for Rachael's happiness. I would love to be her personal slave that she kept in a cage. She could send me out to work and make money for her or she could just have me do domestic duties, or both. I'd really like for it to be like a castle where I would be the top slave among her stable of slaves.

But, I'll be content to be her money slave. I get a hard on as she tells me to send money. After I send it I can masturbate to thoughts of how happy I've made her.

This is not too different from when I have duties as a sex slave. The priority is to make sure that the woman is pleased. I'll give her hugs, kisses, massages, and stimulate her with hand, tongue, and vibrator until she cums. I am then sometimes too tired to get off myself (or in some cases I'm simply not allowed) so I will just hold her until she falls asleep. Later I will masturbate as I think of what her face looked like as I gave her the orgasm.

The temperature was more mild today, 75º for my workout. I did some weight lifting, kettlebell swings and took the dog for a run. Being able to get out in the sunshine really makes a huge difference as far as mood. I'm feeling very upbeat now.

Hopefully my mood and energy level will enable me to look into more business enterprises. I feel I got somewhat lazy after I finished paying off my house and got enough invested to provide myself with a meager income. There are some things I want to do as well as treat my mistress better. I don't want a regular job where I have to report some place at a certain time for a given number of hours every day. The ability to do what I wish with my time, on my own schedule, is the main reason that I've nearly always been self-employed. What the internet has done is increase the number of opportunities but made them all less lucrative.

K is gone, she even deleted her Amazon wishlist. I just have to concentrate fully on making Rachael happy, and this will make me happy. I don't think Rachael is going to abandon me, which is a fear I had all the time with Kelsey.

I'm feeling better today and I think I'm going to be able to let go where K is concerned.

It has been very hot outside so I haven't been running or cycling as much. I got up very early this morning to beat the heat. I ran 5 miles and briskly walked another 5. This is the best time to contemplate. It is also very good for mood control. Yesterday was kind of bad but I'm not feeling down or depressed at all today.

This is the last week of school for my nephew, Eli, and he only has half days. I picked him up at noon today and he is over here. I don't mind him being over here but I'm not going to babysit and monitor all his activities. He is on the computer downstairs, which has no parental controls. I also gave him the TV remote and told him he could browse netflix and watch what ever he wants. I think his mother monitors this stuff closely.

I usually go to very few movies as I'm not normally in a hurry to see anything. I just wait for it to come to cable or netflix. But I've actually been to three this year: Les Miserables, Oz The Great and Powerful, and Gatsby. I also plan to go to the new Star Trek movie. I don't think I've gone to 4 movies in a year in decades.

I'm looking through my folder of pictures of Rachael. She is so cute. But I can't find one of my favorite pictures. I bought her this video game back when I first met her. I had to keep bugging her to send me a picture of her with it. She finally did and I loved it. She was smiling like a little kid. But I can't find the picture. I must have it on an external hard drive or something. I hope it was not only on my computer that got ruined by a virus, which left almost nothing retrievable.

That reminds me, I gave Kelsey this necklace for her birthday... all the way back in early December. She was supposed to send me a picture wearing it. She never did, although she said she would and I asked a few times. I know she liked it because it was on her Amazon list with a note next to it saying she loved it.

My previous online mistress, K, has deleted her twitter account. Prior to that she deleted all her tweets, unfollowed everyone, and blocked all her followers. I'll pray for her. It makes me so sad. She is so full of anger at everyone and everything in the world.

On the bright side, I was able to send my current online mistress, Rachael, some money yesterday and she is happy. I hope to be able to send her some nice spending money for her holiday next month.

May seems to be going by quickly. I know that I will have more money for Rachael in June but I'd like to get her more before the end of this month. She is going on a cruise in June and I want to get her some spending money. She tweeted that she was having a bad day today. I hate when she feels bad and there is nothing I can do to help cheer her up.

My former real time mistress, and still close friend, invited me out for lunch the other day. We had a very nice time. Although I know that I will never have the type of relationship I had with her in the past, it kind of makes me sad that she pretends like it never happened. That was an important time of my life and I cherish those memories. When we talk about some of the times we had in the past she sort of edits her version to make them less intimate. That kind of hurts my feelings but I say nothing about it. She is married and perhaps she feels guilty and thus pretends to herself that we were never anything but friends.

I'm supposed to do another workout video today but I'm feeling too tired to do a good job. Tomorrow I'll go through a 20 minute HIIT circuit training routine. The video camera on my iphone is coming out better than my old camera or the webcam on my laptop. This pics posted yesterday were stills taken from video, which is where I usually get photos.

My friend, who was my former real time mistress, wants me to hurry and make more exercise videos & get them up on YouTube. She says the # of views is unimportant as they are not being promoted. They will be included in a blog that includes all sorts of health and nutrition stuff, recipes, etc. There will be Amazon links for products where we will get some sort of kick back on purchases. Then she will sell/promote other stuff as well.

Tonight's Powerball drawing, the big multi-state lottery, is up to $22 million. I have to get my ticket today. I'll be able to treat my ladies right if I win that.

For now I have to hope to win something at poker so that I can give Rachael, my online mistress, more than minimal payments or gift certificates this month.

My previous online mistress, K, is still in my head even though I love Rachael. I actually love them both. But when Rachael isn't around for a couple of days I start obsessing over K again. I wish I could get beyond it because she hates me and it hurts to think about. I really think she believes that it was my plan to leave her for Rachael and that's why she hates me. It isn't true, though. I was very happy about making peace with Rachael but I was making my best effort to make things work with K. It is she who told me to get lost. Perhaps she intended to just punish me for a few days. But I contacted Rachael like the very next day. I feel about K like I did about Rachael in late 2011, early 2012. I love her but she only makes me depressed. Rachael now has her life together so I don't feel sad, depressed, and frustrated when I talk to her like I did before. Rachael makes me smile and laugh when she is silly and turns me on when her domme side comes out. I am happy serving her.

I'll be having May income soon and will be ready to tribute my mistress. But Rachael wants me to go ahead and send her what ever I have left over from April. So now I'm a broke guy with a big erection.

Rachael told me to remember who is in charge. I am so totally under her control. Every word from her commands my attention. When things are tough for me I have only to remember that I'm working for a greater cause... the happiness of my mistress.

I nervously await a response from my mistress. She is able to stroke my entire range of emotions. This woman has me under her thumb. Rachael makes my knees shake, my heart pound, and my dick stand up straight.

Rachael is not pleased with my performance this month. I have to work harder. She knows that she is entitled to my money and it is my job to make sure I provide it for her. I have some additional expenses this month. I will have to get creative and see what I can do.

I'm still waiting for delivery of my new iphone 4. I'm getting this for free by signing a new 24 month contract. I wish it would hurry. My current phone is just about shot and is only good for texting.

Eli, my 12-year-old nephew, won a chess tournament over the weekend, The Louisiana Pro-Am. He won the amateur section with a perfect 5-0 score. I taught him to play and was his first coach. I'm quite proud of him. This was not just a kids event. There were players of all ages.

I'm going to send Rachael a couple of small gifts from her wishlist. I should be able to do this despite money being tight. It still amazes me that this is the same Rachael of 15 months ago. I hope Kelsey can make the same sort of recovery.

Why does this system put such a wide gap between paragraphs? Well, my body feels okay. I've been mostly doing upper body exercises with weights the last couple of days. I'm going to try an 8 mile run today.

I spoke to soon in the last entry. The ex mistress just deleted her tweets and redesigned things, sort of like starting over. That's good. We don't talk but I like to know that she is alive and well.

I've made my first payment of April to my mistress, £100. This could be a slow month and I may not be able to make a late month payment. We'll see. Things will have to go really well. My semi-annual auto-insurance payment is due, several hundred dollars. Hopefully the rentals will need no further work done. I just got finished paying the plumber for work on one property. I wish I knew how to do more home repairs myself (plumbing, electric, general carpentry) so that I didn't have to pay for everything.

My previous mistress, who I still care a great deal about, has disappeared again. She took down her picture from twitter and deleted all of her tweets, changed the name on the profile to R.I.P. I know she has had some mental illness problems, anxiety, etc. But I'm starting to wonder if she is just completely nuts. I felt really bad before, thinking that perhaps I had done something wrong or was insensitive. But I see that she is not able to maintain relationships or friendships with anyone. I'll just have to pray for her.

A woman I served about three years ago is visiting New Orleans and I don't wish to see her. She had planned to come for Mardi Gras but it got postponed. She will be here in a couple of weeks I think. If she is coming here for Jazz Fest then she will be within walking distance of my house. This scares me. She is extremely dominant and very aggressive. There is no way I could handle her in person. It would end up creating a very embarrassing situation for me.

The internet has been out a couple of days. Hopefully this will post.

Rachael is anxious to get my money. God does this turn me on. It gives me the same sort of thrill as when a woman is about to have an orgasm. I hope I can give her that orgasm via paypal later today, or tomorrow. Making her happy gives me such a thrill.

I don't understand why this site is so biased against financial domination. Getting financially fucked can be very erotic. This stupid warning they put at the top of emails: "Do not send another user money for any reason! " They should edit that to read something like, "Use extreme caution when sending money to others." Who are they to make judgments? What makes hitting a guy with a whip more acceptable than taking his money? We all have our own kinks.

I collected rent from some of the slower payers today and paid my BOA credit card bill. This should create enough available credit to pay both my phone bill and send my early month payment of £100 to Rachael. I hope this will make her feel better. From her tweets this morning, she did not appear to be feeling well.

As with last month, what I am able to pay later in the month will depend on poker. But, unlike last month, I have my auto-insurance coming due. So I will have to do well in order to be able to give Rachael what she'll be expecting. I will do without some of my usual comforts to make her happy. It is kind of a turn on when I know that I can't buy something I want because Rachael is using my money for her pleasure. I love both her angel and devil side. She is a total turn on.

I am still too shy to skype with her. I will wait a month or two before I bring it up.

I hope I can get enough money collected in the next few days to pay my immediate bills and send a payment to my mistress. I want to make her happy and I want her to know that I'm solid. If I can't get enough money I'm going to have to use a charge account to send her a gift card, but I know she prefers cash so that's what I will do my best to deliver.

Some 22 yr old chick writes me on here to ask what happened to my hair... lol. If baldness bothers you then don't look at profiles of middle aged men.

My Goddess said she would prefer to wait a week or longer for cash rather than get a gift card now. This is fine. I'm glad she sees me as reliable enough that she expects me to follow through and does not need to grab what she can immediately... which I think would be a wiser course of action with most slaves.

I really like Rachael's new profile pic. This is not a comment on the hair style. I like all the hair styles I've seen her wear. Just everything about the pic: the angle, the facial expression, the makeup, the lighting, everything. This one looks like a no non-sense domme look. Different types of photos inspire different fantasies. Other photos, that I also love, inspire thoughts of a sweet gentle angel. She has lots of different looks and I like all of them.

I've served a great many women online. I've loved, and still love, only two of them. One of them makes me happy. The other makes me sad. Luckily, I am again serving the one who makes me happy. I think of my little angel about 22 hours a day. Unfortunately, I still think of the other one when I'm not thinking of Rachael. I may still always care about K, but I'll be happier when I check her tweets about once a week rather than every day, or a couple of times a day.

Rachael satisfies my needs and my fantasies. She is also fun. I liked two TV shows she talked about, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead. I'll have to get more suggestions from her. I am optimistic about my future serving her. I can't imagine how depressed I would be right now if Rachael had not come back into my life.

The new month is coming. I hope I can make lots of money in April. My dick gets really hard as I think about Rachael telling me to send it to her. Oh, my princess, my angel, I am so addicted to you.

My mistress, my goddess, my owner, my little angel... I think about her all the time. I can't get her out of my head. She lives across the ocean so I can serve her only with my money, and my money belongs to her. I belong to her. I am her humble and obedient servant.

Rachael, wastingpaper, I love you and want to serve you always.

I gave my late month financial report to my beautiful mistress and she gave me my instructions. I promptly followed her orders and submitted most of my extra money to her. It turns me on so bad when a powerful woman uses me for her pleasure. I feel so at peace knowing that Rachael is going to own me and use me for a long time. As much fun as playing the field is, talking to and sending random tributes to various women, there is nothing like feeling totally owned. Rachael owns me completely.

I still think about my last mistress, who I loved dearly. But neither she, nor anyone else, could get me away from Rachael.

I've had a couple of losing days at poker this month, but more winning ones than losing ones. I'm hoping to get a month ahead on my bills so that I'll have more money to give my goddess. My job is to make Rachael happy. I need to provide her with money and gifts. I shall suffer to maker her smile.

I wrote collarme support to inquire about my journal entries that seem to have been deleted. No word back yet. I'm reluctant to post before hearing back as I want to know if I've violated some rule.

It appears that several journal entries I made here have been deleted. I wonder if I violated some rule and someone reported them. I was given no notice. If I can't find the reason for this I will have to keep my journal elsewhere.

I am so addicted to my mistress. I haven't heard a peep out of her or seen a tweet from her today. I'm having severe Rachael withdrawal already. I hope she is out having a good time with money she got from me.

Today I have hopefully begun my servitude to wastingpaper. We tried about a year ago but the time was not right. I hope it is now. I am currently suffering the emotional effects of separation from my last online mistress. I hope that I'm not jumping into a new situation too soon but I don't know if I can handle what I'm going through alone.

slater Male Dominant, 43	slainwarrior Male Submissive, 35, White Plains, New York	slavric Male Submissive, 57, Flint, Michigan	Slayer Male Dominant, 46
SlapassDan Male Dominant, 46, Emmaus, Pennsylvania	slavslutoy Male Submissive, 50, Temple, Texas	sla1782056 Male Submissive, 41, Portsmouth, New Hampshire	slapmearound Male Submissive, 21, San Jose, California
Slautboy Male Submissive, 54, MontrealQuebec	slav22 Male Submissive, 28, rochester, New York	slate0620 Male Dominant, 33, Columbus, Ohio	Slade Male Dominant, 37, White Bear Lake, Minnesota

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