You've done the family thing. You ate the bird and stuffed yourself silly and fell asleep on the couch and if you see another turkey sandwich or face another 'early-bird sale' or eat any more leftovers or even hear the term "jellied cranberry sauce" one more time you may possibly go stark-raving mad. And it's only November!

We feel your pain, and we're here to offer the solution:

Take a break from the holiday frenzy and get your kink-o-meter charged up in preparation for the weeks to come. Come to the San Fernando Valley Munch on Saturday Nov. 27, 1- 4:00 PM for fun, food, friends, and NO TURKEY! We promise! (Bring your family gathering/holiday shopping horror stories- we LOVE that stuff!)

This month we are proud to join KinkyKlaus

as a drop-off point for toy collection. Please bring a new, unwrapped toy to be distributed to children in need. Extra raffle tickets will be given for every toy brought in. Hey, maybe you'll go home with a toy, too! ;)

The SFV Munch meets at:

Presidente Restaurant
18441 Devonshire St
Northridge, CA 91325

The Presidente is located on the north-east corner of Devonshire Bl. at Reseda Bl., easily accessed via the 118.

Cost is only whatever food or drink you purchase, and dress code is vanilla. (Although cleavage is always nice. Just sayin.

We meet in the back area beyond the bar- just come on back and introduce yourself. We don't bite. Well, we don't bite hard. Well, um, some of us bite hard, but not at the Munch... Oh, never mind.

The munch is a fluid gathering, and people arrive and leave all throughout the afternoon. (In other words, don't worry if you're a little late-we'll still be here.)

Can't wait to see you all there!

Well the weather finally got hot and right about now a cool drink and cool conversation with some cool cats ;) sounds just about perfect! Please join us Sat. Aug 28 1-4 pm for food, friends, and fun.

The SFV Munch meets at:

Presidente Restaurant
18441 Devonshire St
Northridge, CA 91325

The Presidente is located on the north-east corner of Devonshire Bl. at Reseda Bl., easily accessed via the 118.

Cost is only whatever food or drink you purchase, and dress code is vanilla. (Although cleavage is always nice. Just sayin. Extra points for late-summer tan lines!)

We meet in the back area beyond the bar- just come on back and introduce yourself. We don't bite. Well, we don't bite hard. Well, um, some of us bite hard, but not at the Munch... Oh, never mind.

The munch is a fluid gathering, and people arrive and leave all throughout the afternoon. (In other words, don't worry if you're a little late-we'll still be here.)

The SFV Munch meets the last Saturday of every month.

Description

Description

It's time to kick off the summer right! If you're not headed out of town for the weekend, please head out to the SFV Munch for our Memorial Day Weekend Munch this Saturday, May 29, 1-4 pm. Good food, good conversation, and good friends- old and new. Can it get any better than this? :)

The SFV Munch meets at:

**Presidente Restaurant
18441 Devonshire St
Northridge, CA 91325**

The Presidente is located on the north-east corner of Devonshire Bl. at Reseda Bl., easily accessed via the 118.

We meet in the back area beyond the bar- just come on back and introduce yourself. We don't bite. Well, we don't bite hard. Well, um, some of us bite hard, but not at the Munch... Oh, never mind.

The munch is a fluid gathering, and people arrive and leave all throughout the afternoon. (In other words, don't worry if you're a little late-we'll still be here.)

The SFV Munch meets the last Saturday of every month.

Wow it's already that time again! Please join the San Fernando Valley Munch for our Countdown to Cinco de Mayo this Saturday, April 24, 1-4pm. (It's never too early to start training for the big day- gotta be sure your chip dipping is in top form, ya know.) We're looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones.

Presidente Restaurant
18441 Devonshire St
Northridge, CA 91325

The Presidente is located on the north-east corner of Devonshire Bl. at Reseda Bl., easily accessed via the 118.

Cost is only whatever food or drink you purchase, and dress code is vanilla. (Although cleavage is always nice. Just sayin.)

We meet in the back area beyond the bar- just come on back and introduce yourself. We don't bite. Well, we don't bite hard. Well, um, some of us bite hard, but not at the Munch... Oh, never mind.

The munch is a fluid gathering, and people arrive and leave all throughout the afternoon. (In other words, don't worry if you're late-we'll still be here.)

So, i am getting it together.... Sunday April 4th i am having a POKER NIGHT at my Place. Yes i know it is Easter but not everyone is going anywhere or doing anything so why not spend your Sunday night playing Poker with me and a bunch of other friends and aquaintences in the SoCal area?

i do not have a stove or oven to bake or cook on but i do have refridgerators and microwave and heating cabinet. Not to mention the ever popular Weber Kettle BBQ. So, bring something to share please. i have an abundance of ice for the massive ice chests at the outdoor bar. There is even some hard alcohol on site.

The soire will begin at 6p and hopefully the poker games will begin at 7p. Poker is $5 buy in and nickle ante. Not a huge money game but lots of fun Fer Shur!! If you have any questions or comments please feel free to send me a private message and i will respond as soon as possible.

This message is just a special announcement to my friends and those that keep up with my activities through the CollarMe site.

i am not going to go into details as i do not feel they are necessary but, i am going to use this venue to let everyone know that on Monday February 15th i will be going off the grid, per se. i will not be able to be contacted via the internet(CollarMe mail), e-mail, IM, text, or cell phone. i apologize for the inconvience to those that keep in contact with me using those communication vehicles.

i give my permission to those of you that have my home address and/or cell phone number, to freely share that information amongst others that may request the information. Just be aware that after the 14th i may be a little difficult to find and/or contact.

Also, in addition to the lack of communication possibilities i will not be at the Lair, Threshold, or any other social gatherings for awhile. The length of time i will be off the grid is unknown at this time, but, rest assured, when i return EVERYONE will know. LOL

i wish everyone all the best, and i look forward to hearing from those of you that wish to contact me prior to the 15th.

Until i return, i wish everyone nothing but the happiest of thoughts and sweetest of dreams.

HUGS&KISSES

Yes, i am here again to share the wonderment and amazing messages i am sent at various BDSM related sites, a vast majority of them come from CollarMe as that site seems to attract the most bizzar and uneducated. So, take a seat and prepare to laugh along with me.

Suitor No. 1 resides in Newport Beach, is 56yrs old, stands 5'9" tall, and is a straight caucasian male. He wrote the following:

Tonight, after the Laker's win, just before you glide between those cool refreshing sheets, open you window. lean out, and the kiss blown to you on the evening breeze will land lightly on your cheek. Then slide between those sheets and enjoy sweet dreams! ok, so I'm also a romantic Italian... John Q

Suitor No. 2 does not have an active profile so i have no idea where he resides or a slight incling to his physical appearance. i am able to respond to the message if i desire to but, what is the use, right? LOL So, this is his poignant message meant to lure me into his web:

To be honest just trying to find a good woman to spend time with, never thought these days it would be so hard to find a someone who is worth spending time with. I seek a good sub, one worth the work, one who can do as she is told, one who is willing to put forth the effort to push limits and bounds and grow together through great expreinces. I am also a demanding man who demands openess and honesty from all those around me, if this is something you can give, let me know. Want a genuine person, who wants to share in the lifestyle with good master

Suitor No. 3 is a 34yr old caucasian male residing in the UK, forthose unfamiliar, UK is United Kingdom or England. Here is what he wrote in the hopes of garnering my attentions:

I have read your profile and am very interested in you. Would you consider being owned by a master from oxford in the uk. I prefer to talk on msn or yahoo if your interested let me know your addys there, as it is easier to talk in there and cam is expected.

Suitor No. 4 is yet another one that has deleted his account, ergo making it impossible to respond or even know if i wanted to respond as i have no clue about him other than he resides in Agoura Hills. He wrote:

I am a handsome, trim, fit, accomplished dominant in Agoura Hills, very intrigued, if you are really looking.

Suitor No. 5 has a picture attached to his profile and seems to be almost too damn good to be true, i am thinking that the picture was found in a magazine and posted to lure the ladies in by appearance only. His profile says that he is a 46yr old straight caucasian male and nothing else. i am also thinking i am supposed to show him some sympathy as well but not too sure. You tell me what you think of what he wrote to me:

Hi there master1111 here. I had to close my last profile as people could not seem to see it. How are you doing. I liked what you had to say in your profile you look good to but I look for the person more then the looks the shape or the size or were one lives I don't work 9 to 5 so I have a lot of free time. Anyway I feel you would be what I am looking for. I am looking for real life and live in when time is right. What is your yahoo messenger screen name and I can IM you now and we can chat.

Suitor No. 6 set my heart ablaze with the follwoing message. Just think he is a 33yr old straight Native American Male from Springfield Illinois. He wrote the following:

greetings girl feel free to review My profile and contact if interested R

Suitor No. 7 resides in Brooklyn New York, is a straight 31yr old caucasian male that stands 6'3" tall. If it were not for the 3000 miles between us i might have actually considered responding. Here is what he wrote to me:

Hi and how are you doing today? I was going through profiles and i came across yours and i was really attracted to yours and thats why i am sending you this mail.I really want to know more of you


This final message was sent to me from a man in Germany. It took numerous times reading and re-reading it to figure out just what the fuck he was trying to convey in his message. After finally 'getting' it along with a massive headache i wondered if his mother knew he was still living in her basement playing Dungeons & Dragons.

I want a submissive female slave submissive nationals that I can use as a toilet. you should eat like shit and like to drink piss. you should needles nails in tits and cunt like. You must wear a collar with a leash. I would always prefer your tits long. would always beat your tits and your cunt. I want to use you as a desk chair mare sow pig bitch bitch doormat Footstool ashtray. you need for your master always make a lot of money and give me everything you have money. You should always obey me and always before me on my knees and my feet and shoes clean licking and kissing. I want you to always cleans my asshole with your tongue: I'd like some of you a slave daughters. Do you like handcuffs and leg irons should like. I love you whip, beat, candle wax on your whole body to pull on your hair. You must serve me day and night. I wish that you never wear underwear only hold-up stockings and high heels. Your cunt must be shaved  bare    diers@aol.com. +491512524545

The San Fernando Valley Munch is a wonderful opportunity to get together with like-minded people (aka 'pervs') in a comfortable and relaxed setting. This is a great place to catch up with old friends, and/or meet lots of new people. The January Munch is extra special for me as i will be celebrating my birthday too. Come join me as i attempt to age gracefully.

The SFV Munch meets the LAST Saturday of every month
1 pm-4 pm

Presidente Restaurant

18441 Devonshire St

Northridge, CA 91325

The Presidente is located on the north-east corner of Devonshire Bl. at Reseda Bl., easily accessed via the 118.

Please join us- we don't bite.

um....well, okay....we don't bite really hard.

er...okay, well some of us bite really hard, but...

oh, never mind.

Sooooooooo, i attended Mistress Cyan's Christmas Charity Slave Auction last night as i promised, despite the horrific weather and driving conditions. Unfortunately i arrived later than i had expected. The announcement specified a 7:30p start time with slaves to be auctioned off available for "inspection" between 8p and 9p. Since i did not arrive until nearly 8:30p i was afraid i would not be allowed to participate in the auction. Thankfully, due to the weather conditions a great many of the attendees were late, so everything was postponed for awhile.

As is customary for me, i arrived OVERDRESSED, with plenty of layers. My ensemble consisted of a black below the knee skirt, black fishnet stockings, black and silver platform stilletto heels, white wing collared tuxedo shirt, grey and black plaid vest, black stripped tie, and black and white plaid wool fedora. My reason for so many layers was well thought out. i was afraid that i would get no bids whatsoever from the participants so my intention was to remove an item of clothing with every bid, kind of a naughty bribery thing. You bid, i take something off, the bid is raised something else comes off, etc. At one point before anything ever started a friend of mine removed my hat and i let my hair down. Now i had one less thing to remove or use to bribe the bidders with, oh well.

All the slaves up for auction filled out thier little white forms stating likes, preferences, soft limits, hard limits, etc. Naturally i took advantage of the writing space available and put down a few 'funny' things that i wanted to try or do. If my memory serves me right i had the following things as my "To Do's"...

• breath play...
• flogging...
• caning...
• restraints...
• bondage...
• collar and leash...
• face slapping...
• paddles...
• cigarette break or two...
• bathroom breaks as needed...
• strap on cock torture...

The slaves to be auctioned off were called to the front room near the small dais where we kind of just hung out whilst potential bidders asked to read our limits and preferences. i hung out with Ms. Southern California Leather (aka IrishKitty) and we talked amongst ourselves until someone asked to see our papers. After a breif period of time the slaves for auction were herded into a side room to wait thier turn on the auction block. Again, i did not take a full head count, i was nervous as hell but, i think there were about 25 slaves going on the block. A gentleman came into the room and selected the first (5) five to go up for auction, i sat and waited my turn with IrishKitty. Only partially paying attention to the goings on in the other room and the bids being made. My nerves doubled, i was afraid that when my turn came nobody would have any 'money' left to bid on me leaving me the only unpurchased slave. i sat waiting in the other room, nerves getting the better of me. Finally it was my turn to go on the block. i gave my three hundred (300) in bidding 'money' to "BoundToGrey" for them to use, hopefully toward the purchase of me. i was the last and final slave on the block. i fidgetted and was certainly visibly nervous and uncomfortable. The thought of nobody bidding on me was nerve wracking to say the least. The bidding started and i had not even taken off one item of clothing. The bidding was fast, being raised quicker than i could keep track. RodSir had collected a few of the bidding chits and bid by proxy for a 'group'. At one point i remember RodSir collecting chits from others in the room making the bidding group even larger. When all was said and done, i was purchased for the whopping sum of six thousand (6000) "dollars" but was owned by a collective. i was told that i garnered the highest bid of the evening but i belonged to a collective mass of unknown numbers.

Prior to the beginning of my group session, i was allowed my first smoke break. When i returned i was told that the spinning subby wheel was where i would be positioned. i removed my clothing down to my black fishnet stockings, black garter, black panties, and black 'merry widow' bustier. i took my place facing the spinning subby wheel and took hold of the supports above me in preparation of my 'group' session. i know that there were knives, querts, single tail whips, floggers, canes, paddles, a hair brush (thanks Gemmy!) and hands used to beat upon my body/flesh. i have no idea how many took thier turns and i have no clue as to how long i was there. i do remember a female submissive at one point being instructed to put herself between me and the spinning subby wheel and take hold of my nipples to keep me in place.

Overall i had a great time, it was more fun than i expected, and i was elated to know that i did not go unpurchased. The list of those i KNOW had a hand in purchasing me last night are as follows, and i thank them for making me feel worthy and worthwhile in such a wonderful endeavor. If i forget anyone my sincerest apologies, feel free to add your two cents worth in the comments section.

Gemmy, Athena, Zetsu, BullWhip, BoundToGrey, Grey, RodSir, BlondeBabyDoll, IrishKitty, Don Henderson, and many more that i just met that night for the first time ever.

Also, special thanks to my wife, LivingDeadGirl, for being in attendance and supporting me at the auction.

In conclusion, the most hair raising, heart pounding, fearful moments i endured last night were the drives to and from the auction. The occassionally terrential downpour of rain, standing water, hydroplaning, wet brakes that would not slow the car, the glaring wet roadways, and limited visibility had me white knuckling it more than the activities i endured at the auction. LMFAO! Today i am welted, bruised, sore, marked, and a little achey but it was all for a great cause.

Well, here it goes, yet another first for me. Why i am even announcing it is beyond me but here i go...

This Saturday Evening at Dragon's Gate is Mistress Cyan's Annual Charity Slave Auction. This year i will be in attendance. In addition to attending the worthwhile charitable event i will be also placing myself on the auction block. The one or one's bidding the highest amount will garner my time and attentions as well as a few other things. At this time i am not completely aware of all that will be allowed or that i will allow/neogtiate.

For me, this is a HUGE thing as i rarely, if ever engage in any BDSM activities in public, and the few rare times have been so very limited. i am a self proclaimed uptight elitest snob with bitch tendancies but, i am taking that step into a different realm for a very very worthwhile cause. i can only hope that my participation will in some miniscule way make a difference and assist in the effort to raise money, food, and other necessary items for those less fortunate than myself.

i look forward to the evening as well as seeing a great many faniliar faces. Wish me luck.

For some time now i have been wanting to tackle this subject and figured there was no time like the present. It seems to me that there seems to be some confusion or misunderstanding as to the true meaning of the words, LUST, INFATUATION, and LOVE.

Besides the common misunderstanding and misuse of the above words, i have found that a great many seem to find it all too easy to toss the -L- (LOVE) word around. Thusly causing undue stress, heartache, heartbreak, melancholy, mental anguish, emotional distress, etc. etc. etc.

So, here is my attempt at tackling this ever so touchy topic, with the assistance of Wikipedia and my personal opinion and experiences.

Wikipedia defines LUST as follows:

Lust (or lechery) is an inordinate craving for sexual intercourse often to the point of assuming a self-indulgent, and sometimes violent character. Lust, or an immoderate desire for the flesh of another (outside of matrimony), is considered a sin, or impure act, in the three major Abrahamic religions.

Naturally LUST is the most prgenerally unattainable).

INFATUATION again is not necessarily a bad thing, expecially in moderation. Allowing one's INFATUATION to govern thier everyday life is where it can cause trouble. Both sexes/genders experience infatuation. What instigates infatuation varies person to person. Personally i have been infatuated with a select few for different reasons. For example, i have been infatuated with Eddie Izzard becuse of his intelligence and humor. In my imagination i have even allowed Eddie Izzard to dress in my clothing, as he is, in his words, an Executive Transvestite. To be perfectly honest, maybe even brutal, i am not attracted to Cross Dressers or Tranvestites but for some odd reason my imagination has foregone that and allowed an exception for Eddie Izzard. i am well aware that nothing will ever happen with Eddie Izzard in reality but for some odd reason i find myself infatuated with him in my fantasies and imagination. The other person i have been infatuated with is Alan Rickman. Yes, i am aware that a great many have no idea who he is but that makes no difference to me, i saw Alan Rickman in a movie many years ago and became somewhat infatuated with him. i am quite certain that my infatuation with Alan Rickman occured partially because of the role/character he portrayed in that movie. In reality i am well aware that nothing will ever become of my infatuation with Alan Rickman and for that reason i am able to conduct myself normally in everyday life. There are those that again, cannot control thier feelings of INFATUATION and let it rule thier daily lives, thus becomming an unnatural, unhealthy, unbalanced person in societies eyes. INFATUATION is not a bad thing overall when controlled, it is when we lose control of those thoughts and feelings that professional assistance is warranted.

Obvously LOVE is defined in many different ways but Wikipedia defines it this way;

Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection[1] and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my boyfriend"). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts

After reading Wikipedia's definition of LOVE i felt that a couple of other descriptive words were ommitted. i know that when i experience LOVE of/with another within the context of a deeply emotional and physical relationship, i will sincerely hope that i will also have feelings and thoughts of lust and infatuation for that person as well. i can truthfully say that i LOVE my closest friends, to the point that i would do anything for them to the best of my abilities, including give up my life for them, yet i am not infatuated or lusting after my friends. When i say that i LOVE my friends i truely mean it, i do not use the word lightly. In my opinion LOVE happens. LOVE does not require work or effort. LOVE is unconditional. LOVE does not have requirements, it just IS. On the other hand LOVE is also the most destructive feeling/emotion that any human can experience. Experiencing LOVE can destroy someone faster and easier than any other emotion, drug, disaster, etc. LOVE can, on the other end of the spectrum, be the reason that someone will improve and grow exponetially.

In my opinion the word LOVE is used entirely too much, by too many, too easily. It somewhat saddens me to see the word LOVE thrown around so carelessly, then result in someone misunderstanding or misinterpreting the use of the word LOVE. i try to express my feelings and thier intensity with a wide variety of words other than LOVE. i am now curious, what words do others use in place of LOVE?

Yes it is a truely OMG situation, at least it is for me...

So, i figured i would share the OMG moment with everyone with the bare minimum, a simple notification on my 'friends' list home page....

Tomorrow, Monday, August 24th at 8pm i will be a guest on the RevMel show, which can be found here.

The reason i have been asked to appear on RevMel's show is not because of my knowledge, experience, training, or anything else of that educational and informative nature....

i will be a guest on TalkingSexRadio for no other reason than my stature!!! According to RevMel i am among the Amazons of BDSM and as she has a fetish for those within a certain heigth range i qualify as an Amazon. The other guest on the show will be Papillon, so RevMel will have one submissive and one Dominant Amazon to talk with during the 2hr show.

Also, just to give credit where credit is due... i may quite possibly look better than i ever have before because NightShade will be doing my hair and make up for the show. If you like what she has done to my countenance feel free to send me a private message and i will hook you up with the ways and means to contact her professionally.

For those interested in interacting with the live webcast there is also a chat room filled other viewers discussing the show as it goes LIVE over the internet.

i look forward to seeing a great many tuning in for my first ever public interview. Feel free to call into the show and ask questions too!!

See everyone Monday Night at 8p

First i would like to apologize to those that were under the assumption or had come to the conclusion that i had disappeared off the face of the earth. In fact i have not left the planet in any way, shape, or form.

As a few know, and only a few knew for the simple fact that i did not have much warning myself nor did i have much time to notify EVERYONE immediately, i had to make an emergency trek to San Jose in Northern California (where i used to reside until 4yrs ago). On Monday evening about 5 or 6pm my 22yr old son was riding a bicycle and was HIT by a white Saturn SUV. My son and his bicycle became one tangle mess of metal and flesh pummelled, battered, and beaten by a car, the pavement, and the bicycle. To make matters worse the female driver of the SUV did not stop or return to the scene of the accident making it a hit and run situation.

Thankfully bystanders and "Good Samaritans" came to my son's rescue, assisting him to the best of thier abilities and notifying authorities, and getting him medical attention. Although the accident happened at 5 or 6pm (still day light hours, ergo the excuse of "It was dark and i did not see him." will not hold any water) the Hospital (Santa Clara County Hospital) did not notify me or any other family members of the situation until approximately 10pm. i did not have my phone on me at 10pm when my mother called me to alert me to the incident (Stupid me, i left my cell phone in the back yard) and did not get the message until 11pm. When i called my mother back to get details at 11p she was at the hospital in San Jose but had not seen my son and could not give me any information.

At approximately midnight i called the hospital, as i was not able to wait for details any longer, and attempted to get some information on my son's condition myself. Due to my son being 22yrs old (privacy of information bull shit) and not being able to positively identify me as the victim's mother, i was given no details other than yes he was in the emergency room.

Needless to say, being a mom, i was an absolute basket case and not necessarily in my right mind. As it is a 6hr drive to San Jose, i told myself that i had to at least nap a bit before hitting the road to be by my son's side. i swear, being a mother never fucking ends, if it is not one thing it is another. LMFAO!! (i am kidding people, i am not that heartless)

Tuesday i frantically packed numerous items of clothing, not paying attention to what i was throwing in the bag, i would find out when i changed my clothes if i had actually put items that went together in the bag. In my haste i forgot 90% of my personal toiletries including the ever important toothbrush and toothpaste with accompanying floss. OH WELL, i would get those things in San Jose.

By 3pm i was on the road, it took me awhile to make sure that things were handled and covered and such, not to mention gas in the car, cash for the trip, etc. etc. etc. i had a lead foot the entire way, sobbing for most of the 400 miles afraid that i would be too late. Somewhere along the 101 near Paso Robles i was pulled over by Califronia Highway Patrol for following too close. When the officer approached my car and found me sobbing on the verge of hysteria he inquired as to why. When i explained that i had to get to the hospital to see my son after he was hit by a car, the officer so very kindly let me off with a warning, wished me luck, and sent me on my way minus a ticket. i wish to hell i could remember the officer's name but it was blurred through my tears of worry and concern. So, to the mystery Highway Patrol Officer, i wish to sincerely thank you for taking pity on my pitiful soul and allowing me to get to my son in as timely a manner as possible.

i arrived in San Jose at Santa Clara County Hospital by approximately 8pm (do the math i made the trip in less than 5hrs even after being stopped). Now began the hard part, locating my son IN the massive Hospital complex. i found the right elevators but instead of making a left out of the elevator i turned right and ended up wandering the halls of the wrong ward looking for my son. Finally a nurse took pity on me and assisted me in finding the right ward, right hall, right room, and my son!!!

Naturally my son looked as though he had been hit by a car. You know that look, kind of disheviled, mangled, sore, medicated, etc. etc. etc. My son had numerous injuries to his head that put him on the neurosurgeon's top 5 list. So by the time i had reached my son, more than 24hrs after the accident, he still had not eaten and was not being allowed to eat due to the high likelihood of requiring surgery.

After being monitored, poked, prodded, scanned, etc. etc. etc. he was taken off the possible surgery list and given more morphine for the pain but no food. My son sustained a rear occipital fracture of the skull, a broken collar bone, lacerations that required stiches on his forehead, was bleeding from the left ear, and vomitting blood. All the test results were returned showing that he did not require surgery but would have to be kept in the hospital for continued monitoring due to the nature of the injuries and damage incurred.

Wednesday morning my son was allowed to eat, the bleeding from his left ear had stopped but congealed and hardened in the ear canal and other auditory passages. Currently his hearing is affected in his left ear and medication to break up the blood blockage will take care of it slowly but surely. For follow up he will be seeing an audiologist to make sure that his hearing is not permanently diminished or lost. Visits with an ear nose and throat specialist to follow up are already scheduled. Visits with a neurologist are also on the books to make sure that he did not lose too much brain tissue, matter, or common sense in the accident.

Yes, i am in fact making light of the situation as my son and i both have that morbid sense of humor that allows up to find the funny side of what happened. Obviously we are all elated that my son has survived, will recover, and will repair in time.

My son was released from the Hospital on Thursday late afternoon, early evening, after proving to medical staff that he could walk the ward without assistance and use the bathroom on his own, meaning he did not pass out or get dizzy when standing or moving. yes, in case you are wondering dizzy and ditzy are hereditary, he got it from me. As my son and i left the hospital we joked about his appearance and injuries making those passing by us, or within ear shot of us wonder about our mental health altogether. i made comments such as "Shit, you look like hell, were you hit by a fucking car?!" and his retort was, "Oh, so now you are refering to yourself as a car? Trying to avoid blame for the way i look?" LMAO... i am certain many started to beleive i had beat the crap out of my son to the point that he had to be hospitalized. While we were outside waiting for my mother to bring the car around my son stood up from the transport chair got in my face and said, "What? You want to go again? Come on, i will take this sling off and beat you senseless!", i could not help but respond with the proverbial "Bring it you immature little shit! Look what talking to your mother like that before got you, you want more?! Let's go!" The transport nurse had been hearing my son and i go at it since leaving the room and knew that we were kidding but the innocent bystander had no idea what the hell was happening, needless to say my son and i had a wonderful time!!

Immediately after leaving the hospital our first stop was the baber shop to have all of his cut off so that we could easily find the wound and apply the prescribed medication to the gaping hole in the back of his head. My son and i scared the crap out of the barber, that was fun too. Having a 62yr old man with electric clippers gingerly cutting off the hair of a seriously injured male's head is fun to watch. On occassion, when the clippers were just being pulled away from my son's head, my son would cringe slightly and mutter, "OUCH!" LMFAO The barber would step back and turn beet red thinking he had injured my son. i know it is cruel but if you cannot have fun with it all what is the use?.

At this time my son is in Hollister California, staying with my sister, her family, and my mother to recover and rest. Although my son had his hair washed and cut off by the barber he still has dried blood on his scalp which in a few more washings will disappear but, scrubbing a bruised, batterd and slightly aerated skull is not really reccommended. The protruding collar bone on his right side is not pretty to look at and makes him look like a total dork when playing Wii with his left hand since he is right handed. Just one more thing to laugh about. At this time the eight stiches protruding upward from each eyebrow above the bridge of his nose make him look like a demented alien insect of sorts, the scars are going to make him look like he is pissed off ALL the time, that is just too funny in my mind.

As his mother i am concerned but i am so very thankful to God that he survived and will recover in time. i adore my son and even though he has had those intermittent moments of stupidity and poor descision making, he is my son, i love him so very much, i am lucky as hell to have spawned a semi-good one. He is not a total fuck up or bad seed, just a little off kilter and flying by the seat of his pants letting his youthful exhuberence and overload of testosterone take over at times.

Those that assisted my son at the accident are in my prayers of thanks just as the annonymous Highway Patrol that showed me mercy. i am home now, back in SoCal safe and sound, well, okay, not so sound, but i am back. For some that is a warning for others it is notification. LOL For those that kept in contact me whilst i was gone thank you so very much for your thoughts, prayers, and concerns i sincerely appreciated it so very very much.

-six-

p.s. this was written in haste upon my arrival home after a very lengthy and boring drive alone on the I-5 so i did not bother to edit, spell check, or any of that other stuff. So leave the grammatical corrections and such out of your comments PLEASE or i will do to you what i did to my son, and you see where that got him!! LMAO

Many many many many eons ago i entered into the wonderous world of BDSM but, not until after i had done a great deal of research and found out as much information about IT and where i fit into IT. i was older (29yrs old) when i ventured outside the confines of the 'vanilla' relationships and interactions to explore and experience IT. For years before, i knew something was lacking from my relationships but could not quite figure out what it was, let alone how to fill that relationship void.

i remember telling a few of the men i was dating or involved with, before discovering BDSM, my ideas, thoughts and feelings, only breifly touching on the underlying desire to 'serve' without actually using the word. To be honest i had no idea the word existed in the context of a relationship let alone a whole 'lifestyle' or community. Many of the men were suprised to say the least and found it odd that i felt so strongly about a way of life considered unorthodox, unnatural, freakish, or weird.

My first steps into the realm of BDSM were shakey and uncertain to say the least but i had already done my 'homework', figured a few things out, and prepared myself to actually experience IT. i did not by any means consider myself uniformed, uneducated, naive, or gullible but, i suppose i may have been a little bit. Afterall i had no ACTUAL EXPERIENCE. my BDSM Resume was a blank peice of paper.

i attended a few Munches in my general area, sought out web sites, posted profiles, and spent some of my available free time in BDSM related chat rooms on the internet. i was aware that i had not established my list of limits, i tried to figure out how i could possible say no to something i had never experienced personally. Be honest, how can you say you do not like onions if you have never eaten onions? How can you say that ORANGE is not your color if you have never worn it? So how could i say i did not wish to DO something if i had never done it before? Having a list of limits seemed a bit premature, at the time. In my mind some of the things to be listed as limits were more "UNDERSTOOD" or expected, or so i thought. After careful thought i realized that some of the expected, that did not need to be mentioned, were actually fetishes of others. For example: Necrophelia, Beastiality, Vomit, etc.

So i went to the various sites i had posted profiles on and modified my profiles to include the 'obvious'. Even now there are times i find myself leaving off the 'obvious' limits, not because my outlook has changed, i still consider them obvious enough that mentioning them is not necessary. Although i was actively seeking a relationiship that included BDSM activities, rites, rituals, regime, etc. i did not participate in them with just anyone. My uptight elitest snobbery was a condition that set in early. i admittedly had desires, wishes, and wants to engage in and experience various things covered by the umbrella of BDSM but i did not seek to allow just anyone to do just anything to me for the sake of experiencing IT.

For some, what i share now may seem a bit odd, weird, awkward, strange, whatever word you chose to use but it is the honest to God truth. A vast majority of the things i had a desire to experience, i did to/for myself first. Hell, if i could not trust myself with rope or a knife then who could i trust? For a few months i established a routine for myself, as if established by a Dom/Master/Owner. In my head i had the most wonderful (damn near perfect) Owner a slave could ever have or dream of serving. LOL Yes, i did establish punishments for failing to complete assigned tasks, retraining of things that i did not complete satisfactorily, etc. i was the one that bound my ankles and wrists at night or attached a chain to a collar affixed to the bed when i went to bed at night. Wierd, i know it, but i wanted to see what it felt like to sleep confined or restrained. Since i had bound/secured myself i knew i could release myself in case of an emergency. i did not use a pad lock to secure myself and toss the key to the lock out of my reach, i am not stupid!! i bound my tits, i used hot wax on myself, i explored numerous other things at my own hand. If something 'happened' i had only myself to blame, nobody else was being held responsible for my safety and well being, except me. Doing things to myself also meant that i would not have any regrets later on down the line. What was i going to do? Find someone to sympathize with my being cruel and unfeeling to myself? Yeah, right.

Mentally and emotionally i knew i was a slave, there was no doubt in that fact whatsoever. It was the actual physical aspects and the vast number of activities out there i was uncertain of my standing. i am well aware of the fact that experiencing a great number of things BDSM related at the hand of another is whole different thing entirely but, i felt the need to find out what reaction i had to them for myself. i could have allowed any number of people, in the beginning, flog, whip, spank, bind, torture me, etc. but just really how safe is that in reality? Even allowing the best single tail whip 'tosser' in all of the country whip me just becuase he is supposedly the best would take some time to build a repore with and know if "I" could trust him or be comfortable experiencing that, at his hand.

At the start of my journey to find One to own me i once again looked at a great many OTHER people that had posted profiles on the various sites to figure out what it was that i wanted to say and display about myself. my first profiles were sweet and oh so submissive in nature. i even posted pics of my 'naughty' parts as that was what i found to be the established norm, or so i thought. What i found was that i had in fact made myself PREY. my desires and needs had become fodder for the less than desireable who sought nothing more than the quick hook up or to find a gullible and naive warm body to attempt something on/with.

i was overwhelmed with responses from men all over the world telling me what they would do to me, etc. This was not what i was looking for by any means. i had to take a serious look at why i was being preyed upon by the 'wanna be's', fakes, idiots, deviants, and possibly even demented serial killers. It did not take me too long to discover that my pictures and the way i had presented myself in text made me the easy target, or so they assumed. Naturally i removed the pictures of my 'naughty' parts then changed the text on my profile to a more direct expanation of who and what i was and quite possibly what i was hoping to find in a partner/Owner.

The results were amazing in my opinion. The number of responses dropped dramatically and i was no longer the one being hounded for the no strings attached kinky sex-scapades. There were those that contacted me and informed me that i was not a true slave or submissive because of the wording in my profile. Occassionally i still got the loser that demanded i call him "MASTER" and send him pictures of my 'naughty' parts. Obviously they got no response or a strongly worded response informing them that i was not there to fulfill their demented fantsies. i explained that being a slave or submissive did not mean that i knealt at EVERY Dominants feet and sucked EVERY cock put before me. Some took the respons' subtle hints and departed others continued to berate me, telling me that i had no clue what a TRUE submissive or slave was.

In time i was fortunate enough to find a very few that i trusted, built a repore with, and respected enough, to allow them to do things of a BDSM nature to/with me. i was finally able to FEEL some of the things i had done to myself at the hand of another and establish if in fact i had the same response at thier hand as i did mine. In my experimental phase i did not take pictures of the "AFTER" and post them for all to see. What i experienced and with whom was nobody's business but my own. i knew that if i, in fact, posted the "AFTER" pictures on my profiles i would once again be fodder for those to prey upon, especially since i was single, unpartnered, unowned, pick the word you prefer to fill in the blank.

i know what i have done, i know what my response was to it at the hand of another as well as at my own hand, and i know what it was like to experience those things, as well as a great many other things at the hand of an Owner/Operator (which by the way is a whole different response for the simple fact that the dynamic is different, just in case you were wondering).

i quickly learned that exchanging e-mails, transferring to an Instant Messageing system, exchanging telephone calls and making initial contact is the best way to 'weed' out the idiots and scary freaks that may dismember you and toss you in a garbage bin. i cannot tell you how many "first time" meetings i got stood up on because the loser did not wish to meet at a local restaurant or coffee shop, oh well, HIS loss. i do not care how long you talk in IMs, it makes no difference how many phone calls you made, how many cummulative hours you both spent on web cam, they do not mean shit if the person on the other end is not going to respect you enough to meet you at a public venue during business hours. i do mean the open public venue inside the establishment, not the parking lot of the local mom and pop grocery after closing in the dark, DUH!! It also makes no difference if the other person rattles off a list of 500 from the local Community/scene, check the other person out as thoroughly as possible, ask someone from the list given to you, if they actually KNOW the person.

i understand too well the desire to experience things when you are new or inexperienced, trust me, i have been there but, do not be too hasty. Just remember that there are predators out there just looking for those to prey upon. How you present yourself on the internet to someone puts nobody to blame but yourself should you come to an untimely end.

There can be no predator if there is no PREY.

GOOD LUCK OUT THERE IN THE WILDERNESS BUT, BE SAFE!!!

Just a brief disclaimer, this is one of two posts i have been mulling over and attempting to formulate for some time and finally found the time to sit down and compose them. i am posting them in the hopes of some finding solace, comfort, or assistance to dilemas they are currently experiencing. Both posts will occassionally entertain past or present accounts i have personally experienced and no one person is being referred to, they are for the most part conglomerations of several i have been involved with over the eons.

It is Spring/Summer time once again and for many it is the time of the year that relationships seem to emerge from the Fall and Winter thaw. i personally remember not really being one looking forward to Summer vaction from school as it meant that my opportunities of 'going steady' or having a boyfriend dwindled tremendously since i would not be around the 'boys' available for potential relationships. i was the one that looked forward to going back to school in the fall and wondered if in fact it would be the year i got to say "my boyfriend". Unfortunately being the daughter of an ordained Presbyterian Minister that had established the strict rule of no dating until i was 18yrs of age made wanting a boyfriend even more desireable to me. My high school years were spent attending an all girls Roman Catholic High School and the closest potential partners were miles away at an all male Roman Catholic College Prepatory School. So unless the boys arrived by the bus loads at my high school to peruse the girls i was, for the most part, S.O.L (shit out of luck)

Naturally my parents would have been elated and overjoyed if i were to go out with a boy from our church congregation, but wouldn't you know it, none of the boys were interested in dating the Minister's daughter. Although the passing of my father when i was 17yrs old meant that the dating rule died with him i was still unlucky in love, per se. i did not lose my virginity until i was 18yrs old to a 26yr old guy that i met at the mall, if i remember correctly. i have to laugh now as i am not one to remember my first sexual experience and so many have recounted how memorable thiers were, even remember the other person's name and vital statistics.

At the age of 18 i enlisted in the United States Navy and was certain i would surely find the man of my dreams in uniform on base, be married, and live hapily ever after. Funny enough my four years in the Navy resulted in approximately seven engagements and not one marriage. i did however manage to get pregnant and put forth on this planet one offspring (see pics posted on profile LMAO).

After the Navy i was a Correctional Officer in a Men's facility for several years, i was quite certain i would not be hooking up with any of the inmates (EEEEEEEW!! Just EEEEW!!), but there were an abundant number of male correctional officers lurking about that i had my choice of, well kinda sorta but not really. i was never one to get involved with someone i worked with, i learned that lesson early on in the Navy. Getting emotionally and physically involved with someone in the workplace is just a Pandora's Box waiting to be unleashed. Look at it this way, dating or doing someone you work with means that when the relationship ends you still have to see and deal with that person afterwards. If the parting of ways is amicable then more power to you but, how frequently is there absolutley NO bitter feelings or hurt in a break up?

The fifteen years i spent working for the phone company as a services technician meant that i was going to be expanding my pool of available 'mates'. Going into customer's homes to install or repair telephones meant that i could meet or be introduced to a potential partner, or so i thought. To my chagrin a woman wearing steel toed boots, a tool belt, and climbing up telephone poles or under houses is not the most attractive or feminine of characteristics to attract a MAN. OH WELL, such is life.

When i was younger it seemed as though an up and comming young lady of society was required to marry no later than 25yrs of age and produce several offspring or be relegated to the "Spinster" catagory. i went against the norm, not wanting to be lumped into the 'one of those girls' catagory. The status quo was not my calling to be sure. In my youth i do remember occassionally purchacing the recent copy of Bride Magazine and plannig my wedding, it was just the thing to do, and to be honest i beleive it to be a genetically ingrained part of the female DNA, then again i could be wrong.

Finding a suitable long term partner is long drawn out and frequently arduous task for those desiring to 'settle down' as it were. There are always trials and errors. Mistakes and occassional regrets. Pairing up is frequently mind altering, sometimes for the good, sometimes not so good. There have been times i tried too hard and others i put forth no effort whatsoever and gave up completely. Hearing from others that "LOVE" would find me when i least expected it and was not seeking it seemed to be the easiest and simplest answer to avoid hurting my feelings.

Relationships in general are a minefield to be navigated and traversed in carefully. Frequently we think we want, need, or desire certain attributes and qualities in a mate yet when we find someone possessing them it does not seem to work out as those characteristics were not REALLY what we were finding the comfort, solace, and security we thought we sought.

Trying too hard or not putting any effort into a relationship are both explosive dead ends. Trying too hard means that something is amiss or lacking and being over compensated by one or the other person. Not putting forth any work is quite obviously unfulfilling somewhere. Finding the even keel in which to navigate the treacherous waters of relationships is extrememly sensitive and tricky, kind of like renting a foreign car in a foreign country where they drive on the wrong side of the road.

The anticipation of being in a relationship can be overwhelming and the end of the relationship can be heart wrentching. It is the vicious cycle of life, at least for those of us left to our own resources of finding a partner. For those cultures that arrange marriages still to this day i have to wonder, maybe they knew what they were doing. Originally arranged marriages were for the betterment of one or both families financially as well as expanding the gene pool, now days it is merely a custome that is continued as the norm.

Once in a relationship things progress, expand, evolve, change, etc., etc., etc. There are moments of silence, arguments, yelling, separation, re-grouping, disagreements, happiness, joy, elation, etc., etc., etc. The roller coaster of emotions and feelings is nauseating and exhilerating and with the right person you never want that ride to end. With the wrong person you cannot wait to get off the tumultuous trek and find a more stable ride like the Merry-Go-Round.

The ending of a realtionship, no matter how trying or wonderful it was is devastating. Endings are never really something anyone looks forward to, honestly. Saying good bye, packing your tooth brush, moving out, whatever manner of exiting is used is rough to say the least. A period of reflection, self-discovery, awareness, and bluntly honest overview of the relationship needs to be examined. Asking onesself if they settled, were depserate, needy, or just in lust was the basis for entering the relationship is a good starting point. Seeking a relationship for any of those reasons will make you a more informed 'shopper' the next time around. Enduring belittlement, abuse, intolerance, harrasment, beratement, or anything else of the negative nature is not LOVE nor is it a healthy relationship. The ending of a relationship does not have to be volatile either although it does happen. Blaming the other person for the failing of a relationship is easy, taking the blame for the relationship ending is nearly impossible as we do not wish to be seen as a failure or at fault.

When a relationship ends, take a step back regroup, re-evaluate, relax, and take some time to yourself. Maybe it was just not meant to be for you and that other person. God knows i have had my share of failed relationships, thankfully only two have not ended on the best of terms. i am still the best of friends with a majority of those i was involved with intimately for any length of time. In my old age i have come to the realization that SHIT HAPPENS! i have learned to deal with the shit the best that i know how, get over it, and see what happens next and hope that i have learned something in the process about myself and what it is a seek in a relationship.

CHEERS

Hello EVERYONE!!!

Last night, Wednesday May 27th, 2009, the attendees of The House of Kane discussed the possibilities of having a Slumber Party at The House of Kane.

Those present thought that having a Slumber Party on a Friday night was a pretty good idea. Members and friends of The House of Kane/ Lair de Sade could gather on a Friday evening for social time clad in thier 'jammies', spend the night, and spend Saturday 'en masse'. Exact details of breakfast and activities for Saturday were not covered and left open for outside input/suggestions.

The Slumber Party was seen as a way of getting a vast majority of those that reside outside the area to attend the House of Kane, see the facility, and have a place to "sleep" then attend an evening at The Lair de Sade.

So now all that is needed is to get feedback and a list of those that would be interested in a "Slumber Party" at the House of Kane.

If the date selected for the Slumber party coincides with a Saturday scheduled InSight that could be beneficial as well since it would allow new potential members to attend an InSight to attain membership at The Lair de Sade.

Let me know your thoughts and ideas on the Slumber Party as well as Friday Night activities and Saturday suggestions.

Look forward to hearing from all the interested parties!!!

Thanks for your interest.

-six-

BRING ON THE GAMES.... anything interesting and fun that can involve large numbers of people will be a welcome and fun addition to the slumber party festivities...

EVERYONE that is interested in attending the to be scheduled slumber party will be required to adhere to the House of Kane rules of NO PLAY. The House of Kane is a social gathering place for those interested and involved in the BDSM Lifestyle and community.

The only playing that will be tolerated or allowed will be boards games, games of chance, charades, Pictionary, poker, etc.

Just a belated Disclaimer.

HMMMMMMMMMM, fucking.......

As for the fucking i would assume that if the other participants were not offended or disturbed by and those said 'fuckers' did not interrupt or disturb an intense game of Jenga, fucking would be permissible as long as it was consentual. i honestly cannot say that Kane would squelch fucking at The House of Kane, then again i will need HIS final approval on that particular activity. When i find out i will let all you 'fuckers' know the outcome.

So, since there does in fact seem to be an interest in a Slumber Party at The House of Kane i guess the next step will be to synchronze our calendars. Obviously it will be a Friday night. Due to the schedule of The Lair de Sade i am thinking that the second or fourth friday would be the best choices to consider. The First Friday of the month is Conquest and the third Friday is Venus. The second and fourth Saturdays of the month are InSight at the Lair de Sade, so carpooling from The House of Kane to Lair de Sade would be an option as well. SOOOOO, looking at the calendar the following Friday nights are suggested for the Slumber Party.

Shall we take a vote?

June 12, 2009

June 26, 2009

July 10, 2009

July 24, 2009

August 14, 2009

August 28, 2009

To all the 'fuckers'..... i spoke with Kane last night at the Lair and he has approved consentual fucking. Kane is definately a pro 'fucker', which i already knew, but wanted to get confirmation just the same. SO..... FUCK AWAY!!

i look forward to the input of others on thier preferred Friday night gathering for the Slumber Party so that the planning may commence.

Now, to the important stuff, at least i am telling myself it is important. For all i know i am lying to myself and my thoughts and feelings in regards to the BDSM Community, and things in general may be nothing more than hot air or a bunch of crap. So be it, but it is my hot air, my bunch of crap, my time, my space. As i say with most everything else, if you do not like it change the station, turn the channel, go somewhere else i am not making anyone stay tuned to my diatribe.

i have noticed over the past few years that some people's outlook or idea of submission has changed tremendously. Maybe it has been changing for some time and i am just now noticing it. i am, bt some, considered "Old School" in regards to the BDSM lifestyle and community, so please keep that in mind when reading my thoughts and ideas. i will conceed to being old and old fashioned in regards to some things. So, what i have noticed is this.... submissives and/or slaves do not put themselves in charge of anything. In my mind a submissive in charge of a great many things, or at least should be in charge. i know that statement has raised some eyebrows but please hear me out....

A submissive/slave is in charge of themselves first and foremost at all times. Look at it this way, a submissive/slave is a rare and priceless gemstone, frequently in the rough, until a gemologist or stonecutter gets a hold of the stone. The gem is hidden but still glows from the inside, showing its beauty to the stone cutter. Often it is only one stone cutter that sees a particular beauty in a stone that others do not see. TOGETHER the gem and stone cutter spend time exploring and selecting the best way to showcase the beauty, brilliance, vibrancy, and pricelessness of that one stone. The gem, in its nearly unspoken voice, is in charge of catching that one stone cutter's eye and showing its true value. Once the gem is brought to its full glory the stone cutter will have no other option that to show tremendous pride in that gem and knowing that HE found it and now possesses it. If the submissive had not taken the initiative to show off its many faceted assests then it would have been destined to remain dormant and just another rock in just another gravel pit of annonimity.

When i was growing up i was told that i had to present myself in the best light possible, be the best that i could be, in order to attract the type of people i wished to be associated with and involved with. That sentiment has never been truer than when i stepped foot into the BDSM Community and lifestyle. i noticed early on that if a submissive was desperate and needy showing now self worth or value then they seemed to attract a Dominant that used them without regard or conern. i am by no means suggesting that anyone put on aires and become something they are not, i am merely stating that a person should put forth thier most attractive sides at every opportunity.

i have a tendancy to be social, witty, gregarious, outgoing, and constantly seeing the humor in everything. i have in turn met some male Dominants that find those traits unacceptable to them or even threatening to thier Dominance. For that reason i was not a suitable match for those persons. The fact that i ride a motorcycle was seen as un-submissive by some. Some felt that my being able to take control of a situation, host an event, lead a conversation, hold a meeting were not attributes a submissive should posses. My stature alone has been a topic, sometimes humorous topic, of discussion and how visually i am not seen as submissive. Yet i pride myself on being that unique gem that ONE particular Stone Cutter will find to be the most outstanding find of His life. i am that gem that that ONE is going to posses with pride and cherish unlike any other He has ever owned.

When i find my Stone Cutter, i will then have so much more to be in charge of than just myself. i will also then take charge of Him... yes, i know... more eyebrows have gone up.... As His prized possession i will be in charge of tending to His well being, His happiness, His needs, His desires, and His pleasures. i will be in charge of making sure that His clothes are clean and ready to be worn, i will be in charge of preparing and serving His meals to His liking, i will be in charge of cleaning up after Him, i will be in charge of making sure that i serve Him to the best of my abilities. i will be in charge of making notes mentally or on paper how to ensure His pleasure, happiness, needs in general, and well being are being met.

In order for me to take chare of those duties i have to be willing and able to take intitative, to step up immediately when i see that something needs to be done. In a round about way i suppose i am saying that i am not merely kneeling upon a cushion in the corner awaiting orders and demands or even permission to do something. Imagine kneeling in a corner all day, doing nothing but letting your mind wander to what HE will say when He arrives home from work. Imagine kneeling there all damn day doing absolutely nothing, then He arrives home pissed off because now He has to tell you to get up and prepare Him dinner. Standing in the middle of the kitchen motionless and silent you await to hear Him specify what He wants for dinner. Not until then do you do anything, that is not a slave or a submissive, that is an idiot. A good submissive/slave will find things to do in the hopes of pleasing her Owner/Master/Dom/Daddy. A good submissive/slave does not have to wait to be told to do anything, if it has not already been done, it will be tended to before He notices or mentions it.

A submissive that will not take a shower because He did not tell her to is again an idiot. Unless personal hygene is an agreed upon item that He has control of completely it should be a task taken charge of by the submissive. i am certain that the thoughts and ideas in my head did not come out in print 100% the way that i intended them to but i gave it my best effort. i guess the best way to summerize my thoughts is this.... a submissive/slave may give up or exchange power to or with another but they are still very much in charge of sooooooooo many different aspects of that relationship.

If you get the drift of what i am trying to convey and feel that you can get the point across any better plese feel free to do so, i appreciate the input and suggestions. i hope that all reading this are well and experiencing nothing but the happiest of thoughts and sweetest of dreams.

This is for The One. The One i hold dear, The One i adore, The One i focus on. i sincerely hope that The One is able to find some sympathy, some empathy, some compassion, and some way of forgiving me.

Everyday i awake with thoughts of The One. From the moment my eyes open The One is my focus. The most miniscule of details is tended to FOR The One. Every thought of The One makes my heart flutter, my flesh tingle, my eyes well up in pride. The One is my purpose, my driving force, my energy source. A moment without consideration of The One is not possible for me.

The One is strong. The One is honorable. The One is worthy of respect. The One is worthy of adoration. The One is so very desireable. For me The One is the light and the way.

The feelings for The One run so deep that i frequently feel as though The One suffocates me and i struggle to breath. Yet, without The One that is my air i find myself gasping to fill my lungs. How can The One be so overwhelmingly present yet not in attendance. How can i give myself to The One so completely and still feel lost? My dreams are filled with serving The One. To bring others to appreciate The One the way that i do. Unlike those standing on street corners postulating in a zealous or fanatical way i attempted to speak in a quiet manner of The One. The words i spoke of The One were heard by a select few, the words were repeated by some, sometimes the words were even distorted, altered, or even ommitted. Then my words of The One were no longer my words, they became the words of others strangly distorted and askew. No longer were my accolades of The One heard. My adoration of The One was no longer the focal point. What became of my words i have no idea, they were lost forever.

i presented myself to The One, i respectfully request The One to guide me. i misled myself into beleiveing that The One would take me by the hand and show me the way. i beleived that The One would give me some sort of sign that i was succeeding along the path toward correctly. There were times i thought i saw a sign of The One's pride and joy in my journey but i misread the sign, actually misread several signs. Misreading the signs led me down the wrong path and away from The One. To return to The One i needed to request forgiveness, to mend my ways, and once again find the path to The One.

The journey to give oneself to The One is a difficult and frequently arduous journey. It is not known if The One places the obsticals in my way to see how i fare or if another entity is responsible for my shortcommings as i journey toward The One. Keeping my entire focus on The One was my error, i was not cognizent of the others around me, and i even managed to allow myself to fall by the wayside. Being in the graces of The One is a worthy goal to aspire, there is no doubt in that. Being of service to The One is an awesome undertaking with the most spectacular of rewards. Making The One, the ONLY focus of my life was not a mistake, my mistake lay with my ignoring other aspects of my life, the world around me, and those quite possibly trodden over while i was enroute to The One. i am certain that in my trek i may have even lost sight of The One in my passion, desire, and exuberence. What i thought was the awesome glory of The One may have in fact been my own pride and selfishness.

i wish everyone to find The One for theselves but be forewarned that the journey is not an easy one. There will be pitfalls, roadblocks, speed bumps, traps, and forks in the road. There is no map to The One that anyone can hold tangibly in thier hands. Finding the way to The One is a mine field of trials and tribulations. The ups and downs, the frustrations and anxiety along the way to The One is just the way it is meant to be. i can only hope and pray that i can find myself in the presence of The One and know that The One has seen me fall and pick myself up again and persevere through the hard times and forgive me for the times i failed or got lost. Upon forgiveness from The One i will know the solace, comfort and peace of being held dear to The One.

Over the eons communication with one another has changed drastically. From mere grunts, groans, hand gestures, to the spoken and written words of innumerable languages around the world. The spoken word in all its glory was for the longest time the only method of communication until organized written words were invented. Even then, only the elite had someone to read or write for them or were capable of reading and writing themselves. Soon it became common place for EVERYONE to be able to read and write for themselves. To sit down and pen a letter in long hand and have it delivered to the intended recipient became commonplace. With the advent of telephones, letter writing became a lost art form of expression and information. Now with the electronic age of cell phones and computers it has become unnecessary to to truely communicate. We have all become attached to our electronic leashes, able to be contacted any moment of any day for any reason. Text messages appear in miliseconds from thin air. The anticipation of sitting face to face with someone and actually talking to them has nearly vanished.

The major downside to the instant message and text messages that i now see, and frequently am victim to, is being misunderstood. The lack of personal inflection, tonal changes, facial expressions, etc. has made the modern form of communication hazardous to say the least. If by chance a message is erroneously sent to the wrong person and the 'punchline' recieved is offensive all of a sudden you have ostresized a friend, lover, or family member. in all honesty i have had 4 or 5 IMs and text messages going on simultaneously and have accidentally sent a message to the wrong person. All i can do is apologize and hope they delete it or be able to explain the the meaning behind the message.

Today i do utilize the internet for posting blogs, events, experiences, thoughts, feelings etc. i enjoy being able to share my perspective with others and occassionally even getting input or ideas from those finding my rantings worthy of thier time. i post for myself, for my release, for my education, for my growth. If i were solely seeking approval from others i would watch what i post and how i phrase it. If by chance something i post strikes a chord in you or makes you sit back and ponder things a bit more closely then i thank you for allowing that privledge.

Just recently i have started keeping a hard copy, personal, VERY PERSONAL, journal of thoughts and feelings i wish to keep to myself and share only with one other person. In the journal i allow myself to flow naturally putting words to my feelings and impressions. At times it is quite cathardic and otehr times just plain lethargic. The hand written journal is quite possibly the only thing that can actually bite me in the ass later on down the road but for now i use it, and nearly rely on it for daily release. Since it is still a new practice for me the novelty of it may soon wear off like some school girl's diary did in the 6th grade, but for now i am religious about making my entries. Who knows... maybe my entries, regardless of the date made will give that special person a little insight into me, should it be desired.

Over the years, since about the 5th grade when i was attending Saint Leo the Great Roman Catholic School in San Jose when i first was taught proper letter writing skills, i have taken great pride in writing letters in long hand. i still do that to this day. i have a girlfriend in New York that i have known for just over 20yrs and she gets absolutley peeved that i do not send her e-mails. She will call me and exclaim that she has not heard from me and i simply state that i just recently mailed a letter out to her. Her desire to have an immediate fix, instant knowledge frightens me slightly. What ever happened to the wonderment and awe of anticipation? Today the anticipation of getting a fast internet connection is the length of time a person is able to wait for anything. It is a sad state of affairs really. For me to sit down and write a letter in long hand is the same as sitting down at a table and speaking directly to the person. i am taking the time to converse with YOU and nobody else. i do not allow anything else to distract me while i am writing to you. That paper, that time, my thoughts, and feelings are all focused on you. Sending a letter off via the U.S. Postal Service (snail mail as some call it) teaches me that there is anticipation on both ends of that letter. Once the recipient gets thier first hand written letter i am certain that they occassionally look forward to gathering the mail and seeing if by chance another has made its way there. For me i have the anticipation of a possible hand written response, a phone call, or yes even an IM or text alerting me to its arrival. Anticipation, restraint, composure, pacience, all worthy attributes that have been tossed by the way side.

Just a note to those that are reading this.... if by chance i request your address, i am not going to be stalking you, i will most likely be writing you a letter. i might suggest that a few of you reading this give it a whirl and see what kind of response you get. i recal during my four years in the Navy, that the longest letter i ever wrote was 14 pages long on legal size paper on both sides. It was sent to my then fiance that had gone off to sea for a short detachment. i mailed it the day his ship left port to ensure that it would arrive at the first mail call on board. That 14 page letter, according to him, made the short detachment that turned into a lengthy and intense cruise all the more enjoyable because he had a bit of me with him until the next letter arrived. Please note, when i suggest you write a letter that it be in long hand, not typed up on the computer and printed out on your fancy colored ink jet printer, and put more effort into than just a quick note on the inside of a greeting card you found. Actually put some time and effort into the letter and see what kind of results you get. You will learn to anticipate that kind of connection and communication and appreciate it for all it is worth when you get your first letter too.

Only recently have i been fortunate enough to meet/find One that i have an undeniable urge to serve unconditionally, with out reservation or hesitation. To behonest after being released from my first Owner 7yrs ago i beleived that i would never have the honor and privledge of serving One again. After being released i did have the misfortune of 'settling' for a less than desireable relationship that ended poorly a few years ago. Thankfully, i left with my sanity and dignity but not much else. Now with the giddiness and elation of being fortunate enough to find One i wish to please in every way i feel as though i am going to extremes to make sure it happens. In my exhuberence i find myself failing miserably with every other action i take. There are moments i feel as though my time out of service has ruined me, and the desire to serve Him will be my ruin. In my heart, mind, soul and body i am His already even though he has not taken posession of me. Everyday i try to think of ways to prepare myself to serve Him and hope that i please Him and bring Him pride. Unfortunately i find my actions have disgusted or displeased Him. The futility at times is disheartening yet, i vow to persevere, i want to please Him more than anything. i have admittedly, on occassion had attitude problems that needed adjusting and i am working on those issues. As for other actions i have engaged in, i honestly thought that they would please Him as my intention was in preparation to serve Him. i am well aware of His sadistic nature/tendancies and questioned my abilities to endure since it had been seven years since i had felt the tender kiss of a whip, the gentle caress of a flogger, the security of being bound and the delight of being used by One. In my effort to prepare myself to serve Him and be prepared to do so completely i went against my normal ways and ideals. i very carefully chose a very small number of people to subject me to various 'treacheries' including floggings, whippings, restraint, paddlings, etc. i honestly thought that i was doing preparation work. To my chagrin i have been told that my actions, that i thought were honorable, were disgusting. i am so totally lost at this time. i have had something dangled in front of me that i desired and i honestly beleived that i had found a way to attain it in an acceptible manner.

My error has left me feeling spaced out and questioning everything. i have no desire whtasoever to take missteps and i am aware that they do occur on occassion, nobody is perfect right? At this time i am feeling like a two year old, requiring someone to take me firmly by the hand, repremand me , correct me, and show me the proper way. As an adult woman with a vast majority of her faculties still about her overall i can differrentiate between right and wrong. BDSM and all of its minute variances relationship to relationship make this a mine field. The very old school manner of things was to send a sub/slave off to someone else for training and return the sub/slave to the Owner perfectly fit for duty. More recently the training has been taken in hand by the Owner/Dom in order to ensure the sub/slave is trained to thier liking. i am awaiting my training period with Him but i felt as though i needed to also make sure that i was prepared for training. Just as someone entering a Marathon does not just get up in the morning one day and run a marathon, the person prepares with diet, exercise, and RUNNING. i did not wish to enter the marathon the day of the race and fail to make the first mile, i want to be in the race all the way to the end. i may not be in first place but i will complete the race.

i have not given up on participating in that marathon, but i have opted to change my course of action and preparation. He will be my coach from now on, i will not attempt to take the initiative to prepare myself for that race. He is the organizer of the marathon and makes the rules of the race. He will be my coach, He will prescribe the diet, routine, and manner in which i am to prepare to run His marathon. Hopefully, when i complete the race i will find Him at the finish line with a smile of joy and pride on His face.

Wikipedia defines sacrifice as follows: Sacrifice (from a Middle English verb meaning "to make sacred", from Old French, from Latin sacrificium: sacr, "sacred" + facere, "to make") is commonly known as the practice of offering food, objects (typically valuables), or the lives of animals or people to the gods as an act of propitiation or worship. The term is also used metaphorically to describe selfless good deeds for others or a short term loss in return for a greater gain.

For many making sacrifices is a time consuming process that requires a great deal of thought and consideration. Before sacrifices are made the pros and cons are weighed and measured in detail. Some sacrifices are easy and tend to be more along the line of consessions rather than full out sacrifices. BDSM in general is riddled with consessions and some form of sacrifice.

In my lifetime i have made a great many consessions, and only a few times anything resembling a full on sacrifice. Some friends and aquaintences have occassionally used the word sacrifice in regards to things i have done and i have made sure that they knew i did not see them as such. Only recently have i found myself lost in the desire to make sacrifices to Him and for Him. In doing so i have gone outside my comfort level, gone against some of my own personal beleifs and ideals to please Him. Those words, actions, tasks, and deeds were, in my mind honest to goodness sacrifices.

Since my involvement in BDSM and the community about 15yrs ago i have formed my own opinions, ideas, and beleifs. To my credit i have remained steadfast and unwaivering. Some of the terminology used makes me cringe and some of the behaviors and actions of participants makes me question thier motives and agenda. Not to mention thier understanding of BDSM in general. Again, i am not an old school cronie preaching the gospel of BDSM and condemning the wayward souls per se, i am just me, with my own outlook and understanding of BDSM.

Personally i have a strong dislike for participating in public activities of a BDSM nature. For me those activities are something personal between my Owner and myself and do not require an audience. In my opinon public activities are something that those requiring attention, accolades, commendations, acceptance feel necessary to do. That was my opinion and take on the whole public thing and i held to it for a very long time. i understand the need for facilities for those involved in the community to gather, socialize, educate, share, 'play', etc. i am a frequent attendee of such venues. my purpose of attending is to socialize and meet other like minded people. i am able to grasp the idea that such places are the only space avaiable to others to engage in activites they enjoy as thier personal residences do not afford that luxury due to space, size, neighbors, family members, children, etc. Being and exhibitionist is not my thing, i do not feel a need to be seen by others. i do not require the non-verbal signal of "LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO". For me the activites of BDSM are a personal thing that requires a mental, emotional, and physical connection to garner the full benefits and enjoyment.

Several months ago i met a man at a local BDSM venue that i felt an immediate energy, connection, chemistry with but pushed those feelings aside due to some of my own personal views of things. Over the months O/our conversations increased in number as well as content. i was finding it more and more difficult to avoid my feelings. The rare occassions that W/we were lucky enough to have some One on one time together i personally felt the energy level increase exponentially as well as my desire to serve Him. i had been blindsided emotionally, i was not prepared or expecting to meet someone that would affect me as strongly as He did. O/our conversations included the subject of Ownership/servitude and the future. i was finding the elation so very difficult to hide but had to for several reasons.

It has been seven years since i was released from my first owner and i honestly beleived i would never serve another. i had not told myself it would never happen, i just told myself that there was no rush. i never expected to meet anyone at the local dungeon either, in fact that was the last place i was looking. i did not investigate this Man, i merely observed Him, listened to Him, and would take the information He gave in regards to Himself with no outside influences whatsoever. In my observances i noticed that He found pleasure in participating in public activites. At first i struggled with the idea of serving Him and having to be subjected to the public view. At first i honestly beleived that i could imagine Him having His public sub and i would be the one He came home to in theory. After talking with Him more i knew that i wanted to be the one at home as well as the one in public. If i was going to take on that role i would have to deal with a couple of my personal issues regarding public BDSM activities.

In an effort to prepare myself for Him i mustered up the intestinal fortitude to take my very first step into the public arena. This was going to be a sacrifice on my part and i recognized it as such. An opportunity presented itself to me and i took it... i chose to finally do something publically with friends that i trusted and enjoyed. He was a witness to my public baptism as it were, and found a moment afterwards to tell me how proud He was of me and that i had done well. i was elated just knowing i had please Him in such a manner. So much so that i immediately began trying to think of more ways to please Him and prepare myself for Him.

Being fully aware of His preference for the harsher more sadistic activities i knew i would have to build up my tolerance levels as i was quite certain they had diminished in the seven years since i had done anything BDSM related with my first owner. For the sole purpose of preparing for Him and hoping to bring Him pride and pleasure i again sought out a friend to subject me to another lengthy public flogging. Once again i saw myself making a sacrifice to Him and for Him. Afterall, how pleased would He be taking possession of a sub/slave that could only handle three whacks of a cane before calling it quits?

Making sacrifices for Him is easy for me. i have given myself to Him unconditionally. i am His totally, i desire to be nowhere else than at His feet in service to Him. i will deny Him nothing. i will fulfill His request without hesitiation or reservation. my life is His to do with as He wishes. Should He desire i sacrifice my life for Him as well then so shall it be done

So, as i sit here in my contemplative state wondering about things in general i started to realize, that among a great many of the younger, less experienced, and new people entering the lifestyle that one of the most important things necessary in a BDSM relationship is missing. The thing lacking most is referred to as rules, guidlines, stipulations, or perameters.

What i have witnessed is that so many assume that BDSM is strictly the physical. For that reason they tend focus more on honing certain acivities, better aim with a whip or flogger, taking a better beating, buying better toys, ivesting in fetish attire, etc. Although those attributes can be beneficial and handy it is not one of the BASICS. The way i view it is this way.... if a Dominant and a submissive were both stripped naked and put in a room with no furniture and toys what would they do? And stop thinking about the humping like rabid ferrets. How would one looking in differentiate between the Dominant and the submissive?

When a Dominant takes on a submissive, and when a submissive gives themselves to a Dominant that is a wonderful and spectacular thing. BUT... notice the big but, rules, guidelines, stipulations and perameters have to be established early on in the relationship. Not necessarily in writing but at the bare minimums discussed openly and honestly.

Without rules, guidelines, stipulations, and perameters in place both parties have the tendancy of running amok and the relationship diminishing at minimum and imploding at the worst end of the spectrum. A Dominant that states "I get to do whatever I want whenever I want the way I want deal with it!" and leaves it at that and nothing more there is surely going to be trouble.

The Dominant has taken on the responsibility of taking care of the submissive and that includes mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Just as the submissive needs to be mindful of the Dominants mental and emotional state too. The basic understanding is that One owns the other, one belongs to the Other. That is the easy part, now comes the har part. Making the ownership work for BOTH parties.

i know that quite a few are going take exception to this analogy but stick with me it works... at least it does in my mind. When anyone decides to get a dog they put some thought into it, at least i hope to God they do. The selection process includes a great many factors. The first thing to consider is the size of the home the dog will be entering. Is it a small studio apartment or a sprawling ranch home on acreage? Is the dog comming into a single occupant dwelling or a house filled with kids, other pets, multiple family members? Are the residents young or older? Healthy or dealing with serious health issues? These are just the basic things under consideration when selecting a dog to become a member of your family.

After all of those things are taken into mind then a basic idea of a type of dog can be addressed. A small studio apartment with one healthy young person can look at getting a Whippet or Italian Greayhound, those are small energetic dogs. Where as someone residing on a large plot of land with children may take a liking to and handle an Irish Wolfhund or Great Dane. Congratulations, you have just taken the first step into introducing a new member to your family. It does not stop there... thus far only the physical aspect have been taken into account.

Now you bring the new member of your family home, regardless of the dogs age, it is a new enviroment for the dog. With that excitement will come a vast number of rections and responses by the dog. Some dogs will cower in a corner afraid of the new surroundings whereas others will be so excited they piddle on the livng room carpet while they are running around exploring. Now, how do you react as the new dog owner? What actions do you take? How are you going to deal with the new member of your family?

This is the hard part, this is when both have to learn to accept each other and work together toward a harmoneous living arrangemt. The dog cowering inside the front door needs a little coaxing, a few soft kind words, a few little treats to get it to feel safe and cared for. The dog running around excited and bouncing off the walls needs to be settled down and petted before allowed to go exploring. In either case, if a leash was put on the dog and the dog was yanked out of the corner or pulled to a screaching halt the person on the other end of the leash is going to feel resistance and tension.

So, you have succeeded in getting the dog to appreciate and enjoy it's new home. There is still more work to be done, it almost never ends with dogs, i swear, i love em, but everyday!!! Yep, EVERY DAMN DAY!!! That was the responsibility you took on. Things seem to be going well until you realize that your precious new pet is drinking out of the toilet bowl or chewing on your dirty socks or sleeping on the couch. Those misbehaviors are YOUR fault because you did not establish the rules, the guidelines, or the perameters for the dog. Now are you going to lose your teper with the dog because it was bad? If so, do not forget to punish yourself for not training the dog! Also, just a little word to the wise here, its training, it takes time, it takes patience, and it takes some TLC(tender loving care, for those that do not know).

If you want your dog to stay out of the office or bedroom, yhen close the doors to those rooms and the dog will figure out sooner or later that it is not allowed in those rooms. Do not be suprised though, when you leave a door open and the dog unsupervised, IT WILL GO IN THE ROOM OUT OF CURIOUSITY.

From the day the dog is brought home until the day the it passes on to doggy heaven, the rules, guidelines, and perameters will have to be reinforced. For some of the smarter dogs it will retain the basics once it is taught but will desperately need to be taught new things in order to feel appreciated and a useful addition to your home.

i am certain that a great many of the subs that read this will cringe at being likened to a dog and the Doms will be all giddy with the analogy. So here is my small morsel of redemption for the subs.... i had to put it in terms that a Dominant would understand (that is a joke... please!) Submissives, if you are going to be an addition to a Dominant's household be aware that a great deal of work is being put in by that Dominant with the establishment of rules, guidelines, and perameters through training. Dominants, remember that these are new rules, guidelines, and perameters for the submissive to learn and giving too many at one time is going to cause frustation for both parties. Mistakes will be made by both parties involved, that is to be expected, shit happens, there is a learning curve to deal with, especially if you are a first time dog owner taking on an overly inbread purebred with AKC papers. (overly inbred dogs tend to have problems... just a word of warning for those unsure of what i meant.)

So everyone involved needs remember to take EVERYTHING into consideration. If not someone is either going to end up at the dog shelter, or thier beloved ergonomic leather recliner from Hemmecher & Schlemecker is going to be a worthless chew toy. There need to be rules, guidelines, and perameters established early on, and they need to be understood and followed! If the rules are not established that is the Dominants fault, it the rules are not followed that is the submissives fault.

AND BREATH!!!!

Once again i find myself cutting and pasting the definition from Wikipedia as a starting point.

Honour or Honor (see spelling differences), (from the Latin word honos, honoris) is the evaluation of a person's trustworthiness and social status based on that individual's espousals and actions. Honour is deemed exactly what determines a person's character: whether or not the person reflects honesty, respect, integrity, or fairness. Accordingly, individuals are assigned worth and stature based on the harmony of their actions, code of honour, and that of the society at large. Honour can be analysed as a relativistic concept, i.e., conflicts between individuals and even cultures arising as a consequence of material circumstance and ambition, rather than fundamental differences in principle. Alternatively, it can be viewed as nativist — that honour is as real to the human condition as love, and likewise derives from the formative personal bonds that establish one's personal dignity and character.

Honor is something that cannot be purchased. Nor is it a characteristic merely attained by being able to speak or spell the word. Honor is something that is either possessed or not. Merely saying "I am an honorable person" does not mean that you are in fact honorable. Honor is dependant soley on your words and actions combined. Saying you will do something and follwing through is honorable. Even saying you will do something and attempting to follow through but being unsuccessful is honorable, as you did try to back your words with your deeds.

Wikipedia has the following definition for respect: Respect is esteem for, or a sense of the worth or excellence of, a person, a personal quality, ability, or a manifestation of a personal quality or ability. In certain ways, respect manifests itself as a kind of ethic or principle, such as in the commonly taught concept of "[having] respect for others" or the ethic of reciprocity.

Once again respect is something earned, not given out arbitrarily or automatic in any sense. Respect is a characteristic trait that for the most part can only be self taught/learned. Yet again, merely being able to spell the word or speak it aloud does not mean that you deserve respect or are respectible. The facade of being a Dominant does not make you worthy of respect let alone respectible.

At this juncture in my life i have had the opportunity to meet a great many people. Only a select few of them were, in my opinion, worthy of respect or seen as having honor. i am also fully aware that not everyone will respect me nor will i be seen as being honorable but i at least strive to attain and retain those characteristics. If i fall short of being respected or found to be lacking honor i will take a step back and re-evaluate my words and deeds and if necessary make adjustmens.

As of late i have had the misfortune of honestly being duped into beleiving a certain One was both honorable and worthy of respect. Sadly His true colors have emerged but, it was not before i had allowed myself to give myself to Him mentally and emotionally. i am certain that i could be seen as bitter or vindictive at this point, which is fine. i merely see this blog as a venting ground for me, and if i were truely one to seek revenge or harm i would publicly post His name in this blog. Right now i seek only to vent my hurt, my disdain, and my frustrations.

i suppose in an odd sort of way this could also be viewed as a surgeon general's warning lable to be read before engaging. i am amazed how easily words are spoken and the speaker assumes that His word is gospel. i can admit that there was some form of being gullible or naive on my part. i was certain that the serval months that He and i talked, as well as the times W/we were physically together i would be able to see the dings in His armour or that He would slip up and reveal His true nature but He managed to hold steadfast for the several months.

Yes, my heart aches, i cannot deny that. my heart aches because i verbally gave myself mentally and emotionally to Him without hesitation, question or reservation. He verbally acknowledge receipt and desire to possess me physically. i knew that due to underlying circumstances that there would be a waiting period per se, and that said waiting period would be rough but i understood that going in. At no time did i expect to be disrespected, let alone by Him, through His actions, temperment, and words. It may not have been so bad but, when His words to MY FRIENDS made them wonder about His true intentions and lack of respect for me, i blindly explained it away to defend His honor. Please understand there is a huge difference between being disrespected and humiliated. If need be i will post my views on that subject to show the difference.

i have remained steadfast and true to my word. i have done things that i beleived to be honorable or at least with honorable intentions. Although i am severely dinged up emotionally right now, i know it will pass. i still have my integrity, my self respect, and my honor in tact.

i am a submissive. i am a slave for the right One. i am proud of who and what i am. i am worthy of kneeling at the feet of ONE that posesses the HONOR and RESPECT and DIGNITY of a true DOMINANT MALE. Even as a sub/slave i am worthy of respect, i can possess honor, i can show pride, and can have dignity. Those traits/characteristics are not only for the Dominant nor are they to be denied me merely because i am a sub/slave. It will happen when the time is right. i know that things take time, thankfully i can be patient. i have not given up the hope of taking my place, where i belong in service to One. To know that my every word, deed, and action brings Him pride, pleasure, and elation is my greatest reward and my only goal.

i do so apologize for the rambling, typing and emoting while sobbing is difficult. For those taking the time to read this posting i sincerely thank you for your time and effort. For those of you reading this post and getting something out of it i am delighted i could be a source of information. For me it was just another step in the path of growth and self improvement