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I am here only to correspond with people I know. I am not looking for a relationship because I am already in one. I hope everyone is staying well in these weird times.
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Always amused by the "tough" guys who send trash like this, "what the fuck you doing here if you are happy with Master keep telling yourself you happy and maybe you get yourself to believe it I dont" then block me so I can't reply. What a coward! |
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We're now in the home stretch for our move. This time next week I will no longer be a resident of the Lone Star State. |
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The new year is bringing new things with a move to Florida! I can't wait to get there and start exploring the area around our new home. It won't be ready for a couple of months, but, there is so much to do preparing for the move, I'm sure the time will fly by. |
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Sometimes I see a profile, and first response is to laugh. More often than should happen, I'm sure, but given the way this site is...
Anyway, at least I almost always stop myself from sending an 'lol' email. |
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Something happened to me a few weeks ago. It was something I had not experienced much in my life, so I wasn't sure what was actually happening. I felt pretty down or in a very dark mood. As a result of this low/gloomy feeling, I acted out a bit. Both of those things are very out of character for me, and I was worried.
The good thing is, it didn't last very long...I was snapped out of it quickly, and fairly painlessly. In retrospect I'm glad it happened. It gave me yet another opportunity to appreciate my Master. He could have reacted in any number of ways, but, in my opinion, what he did was exactly what I needed.
Instead of losing his temper or, even worse, his patience with me, he actually pushed back at my ridiculousness. Even still, I felt bad about the way I had been behaving which probably led to my biggest fear bubbling up subsequent to that.
Anyway, I am more sure of my belonging than I have ever been because of the man my Master constantly shows himself to be. I'm so grateful that he found me all those years ago, and even more grateful that he never gave up on me. |
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"The more you fear, the more fear finds you."
That was a line from a show I was watching the other night. It was quite timely because, just a few hours earlier, I had shared my biggest fear with my Master. He was busy with work at the time, so I had to write it to him. When we finally got to talk later on, I asked him if he had seen my text about my biggest fear. He had not.
He took that moment to go find it and read it aloud to me. Instead of reading it as written, he completely switched it up. I kept trying to get him to stop, but, in the end, he had turned my fear completely around.
I have to admit I couldn't stop laughing the whole time he was going on. I can't remember the last time I had laughed so hard for so long. It's nice that after all our years together that he can still make me laugh so much. (In truth, I think I get a little too serious at times.)
Anyway, back to the quote...
After I heard the line in the show, I decided to have no more fears. I'm not sure that's a very realistic goal, but I do know for certain that I should have no fears of my Master. |
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I was awake last night around midnight. Pain from my recent nose/sinus surgery required attention. While I was waiting for the Ibuprofen to kick in, I decided to reply to an email I had received from a friend.
While signed in, I received an email from a stranger. I wasn't looking to engage in conversation with anyone, but I don't like being rude, so, once I opened it, I went ahead and replied. He said something about my profile being good but my interests were disappointing, to which I replied, "OK." Things went downhill from there.
Like I said, I wasn't looking for conversation, but I did want to acknowledge his email. That wasn't good enough for him, but I'm not going to recount the entire conversation here. It wasn't that long anyway. I'm just wondering why someone -- anyone -- would think that opening with a criticism is a good way to strike up a conversation with another person.
Anyway, the pain meds took effect, and I was soon back to sleep :-) |
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I love the "Hide User" button here! |
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It is never my intention to use my journal to hurt some undeserving user here. It was brought to my attention yesterday that my recent entry about me being mean did hurt the person who accused me of being mean. I apologized to her for any hurt feelings she suffered from my entry, and she graciously accepted it.
After the exchange, I thought about deleting the entry, but, at least for now, I am leaving it as is. It wasn't written to single her out specifically, although, I can see how it might look that way. It was written to highlight a behavior here that many of us have experienced. It is unfortunate that it was that particular exchange that caused me to write that entry. |
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Just to clarify my last journal entry, I wasn't complaining that someone was mean to me. I was quoting someone who complained that I was mean to her, which I don't think I was. |
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"Why are people here so mean?" This is the lament of someone who sent me an email, and she is talking about me. I am so very mean that I read her emails, thought about them, and replied to her. In my opinion, my reply was not the least bit "mean" in nature. I simply asked her a few questions so that I could get an idea as to what she was trying to say in such a lengthy email. I couldn't understand parts of it, especially about the dark and light.
My email went unanswered...what a surprise. So, I sent a follow-up email which is when I discovered that I am mean. How often have you received an email here and tried to engage the person to no avail? Isn't that when you begin thinking perhaps the person on the other end is a bit, well, inauthentic? I mean, if they can't answer a few harmless questions...
So, I am mean. Maybe I am. |
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I have something to share. It was an experience I had here many years ago, under another user name. I changed my ID here afterward.
There was a man who called himself "Peter". He contacted me, and we started exchanging emails. We spoke on the phone. We chatted on YIM. He was very nice, and I enjoyed talking with him. I was at a very vulnerable place having been brutally released from service just weeks before. It was mentally brutal, not physically.
Well, as you may have already guessed, the guy turned out to be a total fraud. Because I was in a bad place I ignored the numerous red flags he scattered in his wake. In the end, he disappeared, and I was devastated...for a bit.
I'm not one to wallow, so I decided to try to take something positive from the experience, which, trust me, wasn't easy. A not positive thing I took away was an unwillingness to trust people. Thank goodness for my Master because he showed me that I could trust again.
So, on to the positive thing is a lesson that I learned...
Peter used to accuse me of being untruthful which was very hurtful and confusing to me. I couldn't understand why he would think such a thing as I had never given him cause for it. Meanwhile, I believed him. I never once accused him of being a liar...until the end, that is.
What I learned, and I can't believe I had never learned this sooner, is that people who lie think others lie...people who are honest tend to think others are being truthful. It's so simple that I am surprised I was in my mid-40s before I realized it.
My advice to someone here would be:
1. Don't ignore red flags. If you think something is wrong, it probably is.
2. If someone who doesn't know you very well accuses you of lying, they are most likely lying to you.
You might think that #2 is a rush to judgment, but I have experienced it several times since Peter. I'm thankful that I don't have to be on guard against this anymore. |
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Why is it that bitter people are so eager to spread their misery? I have had many tough times in my life, but I don't remember ever inflicting nastiness on others, neither people I know nor strangers.
I know there are good people here, but, more and more, it seems that the awful-judgmental-don't-know-what-they're-talking-about people are taking over.
Look, I'm just here because I have no choice. I don't bother anyone. I don't send nasty emails to people. I generally don't send emails to anyone I don't know.
If you are simply looking for a reaction to the virulence you are so desperate to spew all over, I will not be buying into your hostility. |
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I generally don't put much stock in the opinions of others, especially people who choose to randomly pick on me. I also tend to not take it personally because they don't know me, and they are usually basing their opinions on their own biases and/or basic lack of knowledge.
Lately, however, I am struggling with these people. For some reason unbeknownst to me, the emails of this ilk tend to come in clumps. I don't know if it's because it's cold and rainy and people are bored or if it's because the moon has been full. |
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I don't typically browse the profiles here. There are times when one will come up on the screen when I log onto the site, or perhaps I will look at the profile of someone who has looked at mine. Mostly, though, if I am on here, I am reading and/or replying to mail or I am writing in my journal.
Today, I read the profile of someone who had looked at mine...actually, I skimmed through his profile. When I started to read it, a realization struck me, and I couldn't really pay close attention to what he had written. What I realized is how much my Master has changed me and my views of the lifestyle. It wasn't the first time this thought occurred to me. In fact, I have been having it regularly over the last few years.
I'm not surprised that this change has come. After all, my Master is quite unique, and he would have had to mold me to his liking. The change in my views is not unwelcome to me, and I hope they are not unwelcome to him. |
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I've been feeling a bit puny this holiday weekend, so I didn't make my usual Thanksgiving Day journal entry. Of course that doesn't mean I failed to tell my Master how thankful I am to be part of his life. Then again, I tell him that quite often. I hope he never tires of hearing it. |
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I often find myself wanting to tell my Master that he makes me so happy. On the surface, such a sentiment seems like a good thing, but, once you think about it, it's not...not really.
I have long held the view that no one can make another person happy. Each person's happiness needs to come from within. Until you can be happy on your own, you will never be truly happy.
While it's true that he enhances my happiness greatly, "you enhance my happiness, Master" doesn't have the same feel as simply telling someone they make you happy.
Now, some might believe I am overthinking this, but you wouldn't if you knew my Master :) |
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I have been rather reflective today. Perhaps because my birthday is just around the corner. That seems like a good time to look back on one's life...I don't know.
I was thinking about my belonging, but I was also looking at events that led up to me finding my belonging. I think I was rather difficult in regards to my Master mentoring me before he owned me. No wonder he was hesitant to take me on :)
There was a point when he took a big step back from me. I tried to move forward as he had hoped I would, but I found it extremely hard to do without him. Even as he stepped back I was longing for him to come closer.
That time was not very pleasant for me, nor, I fear, was it pleasant for the person who was hoping to own me. It was, however, a time that inspired much personal growth for me. I don't regret those months that were lost to me and my Master. He did what he thought was best for me with what was happening at that time, and I will always be grateful to him for his efforts in taking care of me.
The only thing I would regret would be allowing someone else to become entangled in the mess that was my life back then, but I don't believe in regret. I believe in learning lessons and moving forward, and I think that was a time of learning for many people within my sphere. |
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This has been a week for strange emails.
First, I was called a redneck. Since the person doing the calling doesn't know me, I didn't take offense from the intended insult. In fact, after exchanging emails for a couple of days with this person, I have come to the conclusion that calling me a redneck was some misguided attempt at wooing -- much like in elementary school when the little boy pulls the little girl's ponytail.
On the heels of the redneck email came another from a different source admonishing me not to be crude. I believe that was in response to my last journal entry about the game player who changes his sexual orientation on here to mess with people. I believe the remark was made in jest since there was an "lol" at the end of the email.
Then, today, came my favorite email thus far (for this week). It is so wonderful that I am not even going to paraphrase it. I am just going to put it in here in its entirety, although I am changing part of his email address.
"Hi slavepig I lord sir master Sven I want you as my full service slavepig and toilet pig and more write me to mastersvenx@xxxx.de with your pics. I will see your cunt and your tits and fuckass"
Honestly, that one has me a bit speechless. |
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This made me chuckle, so I thought I would share it with y'all:
A couple of days after my "encounter" with the rude guy last month, I saw that a female dominant had looked at my profile. She didn't have a picture, but I thought her name seemed familiar. I clicked on her name. When the profile came up, I realized why her name sounded familiar. It was the rude guy! He/she/it had changed the profile from male dominant to female dominant. Apparently, in addition to being rude, the person also suffers from a gender identity crisis. |
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Why would someone who clearly doesn't like me, continue to send me emails? I'm just going to delete them unread. Yes, the one from yesterday returned again today.
I don't even know what this guy's problem is. He approached me, and I was polite to him. He seems to have a very short, um, temper...yeah, temper. In my opinion, that's not a very admirable trait in anyone, much less a dominant who thinks he's a master. If he cannot control himself, how will he ever be able to control someone else? My guess is, he won't. If he does find someone inexperienced enough to hook up with him, they won't stay around for long.
Meanwhile, I get all this free entertainment and fodder for my "lame" journal. |
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i had an email encounter here today. i was trying to think of a word to describe it. Interesting is not applicable. Neither different nor unusual apply. What was it? Hilarious, i think is an appropriate adjective. The exchange didn't last very long -- well, not for me. i stopped responding to him long before he gave up trying to goad me into some sort of battle with him. It couldn't have possibly been a battle of wits since he was so obviously unarmed.
Anyway, i thought i would share it with all of you. It never hurts to have a good laugh, right?
him : hi girl
me: Hello
him: Sir
me: excuse me?
him: Omg i just read your lame profile. Nevermind
me: Definitely.
him: I'm master grip dumb bitch. And sir is common. Go away i don't like your type
me: Courtesy is common. You're definitely not.
him: Good. Run to your pussy master im busy
him: Not to your type it isn't only real girls get to know me the rest pose
him: Any owned girl that's just here for the homo journals id boring st best
him: Shoul have came correct. You don't get to know me im master grip. Sir
him: O wow and youre queer. O this gets better. Only queer girls come off like you. Call them sir. Stick to the wanna bees girl. Its your destiny. Sir sir sir. Common
him: Call me sir |
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i noticed something a couple of weeks ago, and it's been on, and off, my mind ever since. For me there is a direct link between walls and trust, but, to me, the link isn't one i connected until just recently.
First, let's deal with trust. i never gave much thought to the fact that there are ever-deepening levels of trust until i found my true belonging. In fact, i never thought about how my Master was growing my trust from day one until recently. Don't get me wrong, i knew i was incrementally trusting him more and more as time went by, i just never gave any thought to its occurrence. Also, every time i did think about how much i trust him, i automatically thought that i couldn't possibly trust him more than i already do.
i was so, so wrong.
Now, here come the walls. i have a lot of experience with walls. i wrote about them not too long ago. i'm not particularly fond of walls. Mostly, because they distance me from my Master. i hope some day to never have to deal with another wall...sort of.
i say "sort of" because of the link i have discovered within myself between trust and walls. The link is this: every time my Master does something that grows my trust in him, i subconsciously erect a wall. i then go through a process of struggling between the trust and the wall. In nearly all cases, the wall crumbles with nearly no effort as i open yet another chamber to my beloved Master. Very rarely, though, it seems to take a wrecking ball to bring down the most stubborn of walls. During that time, i feel like a crazy person. Even worse, i feel undeserving of the trust that he so clearly has in me.
So, while i want to always be more trusting of my Master, i would prefer to do it without having to bust through walls. i think i can get there now that i am aware of the link, and also because he has never given me any reason to have those walls. |
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i am not usually caught off guard. i try to pay attention to what is going on around me, and i am generally pretty successful.
Last weekend, however, my Master managed to completely surprise me. He is about the only person in the world who manages to do that. i think it is because i have finally, completely rid myself of any expectations concerning him and my belonging. It was possible to do that because he has enabled me to trust him so thoroughly that i can let go of all the trappings of conventional relationships.
Being owned by him is the most free i have ever felt.
Thank you, Master. |
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Over my years here, i have noticed that there is some sort of wonderment as to why the submissives and slaves are so defensive and ready to block the dominants. The following are emails i have received yesterday and today, and my responses to each. It started yesterday morning with this:
"Pretty as you are and you are,there is no way in Hell I would of ever Posted pics like that of my woman."
i won't tear into his lack of writing ability..."would of"...really?
i asked him twice, very politely, what the problem was with my pictures. There wasn't any nudity. i wasn't shoving anything into any of my orifices. The fact that he never answered me shows me that he was just trying to stir up trouble and/or gain some undeserved attention.
On an unrelated note, i have removed all of my old pictures and replaced them with one more recent picture. It had nothing to do with this person and everything to do with my belonging.
Next was this one:
"The one that owns and controls you in every way is a lucky Master as you are a beautiful slave. With your pictures and how your breasts look. I would have you in a bikini top or tops that show them off for all to see even pushing the limit on your nipples to be seen. What cup size are you?"
There are so many things wrong with this that i don't even know where to begin. Oh, i know, let's start with the lack of respect being shown to my Master. i don't know why i have such a hard time getting used to the absolute rudeness displayed by the people here. Would you go up to some guy in the grocery store and tell him what you would do with his woman's breasts and ask her cup size? i don't think so!
my favorite from yesterday has to be this one:
"Hi!!, Will you be dad's slut sub!!? Email me some nude pics of you to: xxxxxicecream22@gmail.com / Sincerely, Black Master George"
i asked him if that ever works for him, and he said yes. Well, bless their little hearts! He asked if i would be one too. When i replied "no" to that, he asked "Why cunt" and then blocked me.
Hmmm, why, indeed...
That is but a fraction of the rude emails i put up with. As i write this, a new email has arrived. i shudder to think what it might contain. |
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i haven't written in my journal in a while, and it has taken me a while to figure out why this is. i have not felt inspired to do so. i used to enjoy coming here and reading profiles and journals, but things have changed so much over the years.
The "doms" seem to want a quick lay without taking any responsibility. The "subs/slaves" just want want want. i have become very disenchanted with the way the lifestyle is represented on this website. It's not usually in me to judge others. Everyone has his or her needs. They have every right to go about having those needs met in whatever way they choose, but i have seen some very disturbing things here.
i emailed with a woman last year who had met someone from here. i use the term "met" loosely...she had never seen him on webcam or talked on the phone with him, let alone actually met in person. She had displeased him in some way, and her supposed "punishment" from this guy was to go to a local glory hole and suck off anyone who stuck his cock through. Really?! She had known him for all of two weeks. i hope she didn't do it.
One guy i had "met" on here wanted me to also go out and do unsafe things. If i didn't do them then i was supposedly unworthy to serve him and not a true slave.
i don't think a true "Master" would ever endanger his slave. i feel very fortunate to serve the one who owns me. i truly believe he has my well-being in mind in all decisions he makes regarding me, and he has for a very long time...longer, even, than he has owned me.
my journey with him has been one of many wonders, but i have never had to wonder about my safety and security with him. i thank him often for sticking with me when others would have likely discarded me. i hope i am as worthy of his faith as he is of mine. |
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i enjoy sharing my personal experiences here. Not my personal intimate experiences with my Owner. But, rather, the emails i receive and the interactions that come from those emails.
Case in point: A man from Iowa contacted me a month or two ago. His profile claimed that he enjoyed chatting and getting to know a person, so i went ahead and replied to his first email based on that information. Well, he didn't want to chat or get to know me. All he wanted to do was bash me for being who i am. i stopped answering his emails, and he went away.
Or so i thought....
Over the holidays, i received an email from a man in Iowa but a different profile. Same thing as the first time. He started in on the first email about how the slaves were freed blah, blah, blah...
This time, my response was to politely ask him to leave me alone. He, in turn, called me stupid and again tried to make me feel bad about being myself. Thank goodness i am very secure in who and what i am. i don't need his validation.
my initial, and prevailing, reaction was to feel sorry for this person. How hollow his life must be if he has to go around and try to spread his vitriol to strangers!
His words mean nothing to me. The words of my Owner, though, are an entirely different story. Those mean everything to me. |
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i have been thinking about walls lately.
i think when we have walls we don't necessarily know we have them. We are safely hidden behind them and can emerge anytime we like. It's others who actually notice and/or feel our walls. They have to break through them or tear them down to get what they want from us.
i know i have had plenty of walls over the years. The end of a relationship, especially a bad one, is always a good occasion for erecting new ones or reinstating old ones. my Owner has been very successful in ridding me of my walls, usually without me ever realizing he is doing it.
Others have not been quite as adept at this task, but not because they didn't try hard enough. Our walls come up for a reason, and we can't let just anyone bust through them. The reason my Owner succeeds where others have failed lies in the trust he has built over the years. His patience with me in the early months of knowing each other has served him well, and, because of this, it has served me well, also.
This is not to say that my Owner hasn't encountered resistance and other difficulties with me over the years. i'm sure i have been a bit of a pain at times. i am grateful to him for seeing something in me worth having. i am lucky that he decided that scaling my walls was a worthwhile activity for him, and that he continues to do so. |
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Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It comes in second only to Halloween. i'm an Autumn baby, so it's probably not surprising that my most favored days occur at this time of year.
As much as i love this day, i try not to let it be the only day of the year to pause and give thanks to the people in my life who mean so much to me. i am thankful for the friends i have. True friends are rare and hard to come by, so i let them know often that i cherish them. Not only am i grateful to have them in my life, i am honored that they allow me to be a part of their lives.
Although i tell him often i will say it here for all to know, i am grateful to be owned by such a wonderful man. He is truly a most beautiful person, and i wouldn't trade a moment of our time together for anything! He still manages to pull a few surprises on me, even after all these years together, and i do love surprises.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here!
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Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Not necessarily for the person being forgiven but definitely for the person doing the forgiving.
i try not to hold grudges. i feel they are a waste of precious energy and emotion. i have been on the receiving end of someone holding a grudge for way too long, and, let me say, it was a pretty ugly thing to behold.
If you interact with others, chances are someone at some time will "do you wrong." You can hold onto that transgression, let it fester over time, and allow it to control you and your emotions or you can let it go.
Many people think forgiving is a sign of weakness, but it is really just the opposite. You are strong enough to rise above the hurt inflicted on you by another...whatever that hurt is. It isn't your job to teach them a lesson or even the score. Let them accrue their bad karma. Trust me, i have seen karma in action on more than one occasion. i prefer to stay on the good side of that.
Really, when you are hurt by another, just forgive them. Don't hold onto that negativity. Don't let it invade your life and future relationships. You don't have to tell the other person you forgive them. In fact, i don't think you should because it has nothing to do with them. Chances are, if you are needing to forgive a person, they have probably already moved out of your life and on to their next victim. Forgive them for yourself...for your peace of mind. |
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If you write me and ask to get to know me better, that is fine, but there are likely a few things that will happen in response to that. I will ask for what purpose you would like to know me better. I don't think that question is out of line. It's merely me trying to keep you from wasting time if your purpose is to see if we would be compatible. I already belong to the person with whom I am most compatible.
I will possibly say yes, but ask you to please remember that I am owned. This isn't because I think you will try to steal me away from my Owner...that simply won't happen. I say this because you might ask me something I will not be able to answer in deference to protecting my Owner's privacy as well as mine. It's not me playing games. I would rather tick off someone I don't know and will never meet than to incur the wrath of my Owner for speaking about things I should not.
If your idea of getting to know me better is to get naked pictures of me or getting to perform on cam, neither of these things will happen. I don't even need to ask my Owner about that on a case-by-case basis. He has already made himself clear on those things, and I couldn't agree with him more than I already do. |
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i have to admit that i don't understand why people lie. i have been exposed to liars all my life, and i just don't get it. Some of the best liars i have ever known are my own family members. They claim to love me, but they think nothing about lying right to my face. If a family member can do that so easily, what hope do i have of a stranger being truthful. Even i will say that that is a wee bit cynical, but it is an honest question.
i have encountered liars of many levels here. There was one guy who lied to me about everything, and he did it often. After a while, i stopped asking questions because i knew i couldn't trust anything he said. To this day, i couldn't tell you his name, age, marital status, or location with any confidence that it would be true. The funny thing about the time i knew him was that he often accused me of lying, which i never did. Plus, at first, i believed the things he told me, probably because i am honest and naturally expect that from others. He was quite a learning experience for me.
There are those here who tell what they consider "little lies", but when you are embarking on a relationship that requires complete trust one small lie can destroy the entire thing. To me, it just isn't worth the consequences to shave years off my age or a few pounds off my weight. It also isn't worth it to tell even bigger lies. What i could potentially lose is not worth the small amount i might gain.
As far as i know, my Owner has never lied to me. If i have asked a question that he didn't want to, or couldn't, answer at that time, he just tells me flat out that the information is "off limits" or whatever. i can accept that answer much more easily than being lied to. When i need the information about which i asked, he will likely tell me without being asked. i know this to be true because i have seen it happen with him. This is part of why i trust him so completely.
For him, i am a completely open book, and i wouldn't have it any other way. |
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It cracks me up when someone on here blocks me. It's always someone who initiates contact with me, then takes exception with something i say. Today, it was someone asking me if i wanted to get to them better. When i asked for what purpose, they got all huffy and said never mind, then blocked me. i didn't think my question was out of line. Then again, i guess i shouldn't be surprised it was some guy using a female profile to troll for other women. |
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It has been said, on more than one occasion, that i am spoiled. There are people i have met who think that i always get whatever i want. Even i have commented on the the fact that i am spoiled, but am i, really?
i very often don't get what i want. i don't even think i should get everything i want all the time. There are times when i would like to more often than i do, but i have no control over that. i'm not even sure that getting everything one wants is an indicator as to the level at which they are spoiled.
i think i create the illusion of being spoiled. We have all heard that attitude is everything, right? Well, my attitude is all about appreciating the people in my life and showing gratitude for the things i am privileged to be allowed in my life. my gratitude is genuine and deep, and i believe that people pick up on that and interpret it as my always having everything i want.
There are, of course, those who don't know me, don't take time to get to know me, but take a look at my pictures and think that i am a person to whom others cater. i know at least one person who thought that very thing, and he seemed to be determined to disabuse me of his own misbegotten idea of my life. i didn't give him the chance to do too much damage, though.
So, am i spoiled? i would say there are times when my Owner spoils me beyond my wildest imagination, but it has nothing to do with material things. There are other times when i would dearly love to be spoiled. In the grand scheme of things, though, i think there is a good balance in my life between getting what i want and not. |
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i occasionally get emails from dominant types asking me to keep them in mind should my circumstances ever change. i suppose that is flattering in a way. The thing is i don't intend for my "circumstances" to ever change. i have told my Owner, and i am now telling all of you, i am his for life.
i could probably keep a list of people, just in case. i do often make contingency plans, but the list would never get used. There will be no "just in case" situation. There can be no other after this one...everyone else would just pale in comparison :) |
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Being vulnerable to another person is a very scary prospect. Opening oneself to the possibility of physical or emotional harm can be daunting for many people, but i enjoy the vulnerability i feel with my Owner. Not only do i enjoy it, but i actually revel in it.
i haven't always felt this way with others. In the past, before i met my Owner, i could never fully let myself go. i always held a little bit back for safety reasons. i didn't realize i was doing this at the time, but i clearly see it now. Perhaps holding myself back helped previous relationships fail, or perhaps not. We'll never know the answer to that.
i didn't immediately open myself up to my Owner. He definitely had to break down walls and bust through my defenses for me to get to this wonderful state of being. Every now and then, a new hurdle crops up, but he is very deft at getting me past those.
Over the years, i have noticed that as my vulnerability increased so has my trust in him, and as my trust grew i allowed myself to become even more vulnerable. It really is a lovely place to be with someone. It is exciting to be able to have that trust in another person and know that it is not misplaced.
He could have given up on me countless times, but he never did. i am truly grateful to him for bringing me to this place safely. From this place, all beautiful things come. |
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If you are someone who cheats on a person who trusts you, or would cheat if you had the opportunity, i don't think you should encourage others to follow you when they have made it clear that they won't do that. i'm not judging those that do cheat, but that doesn't mean i want to be party to that behavior. You may not have any respect for your partner or your relationship, but i do. If two people have committed to each other in some way, that should be respected by all.
Over the last month or so, i have been encouraged to do things behind my Owner's back. (As if i could ever get away with that...one look in my eyes and he would know.) There are many reasons i could list for why i won't cheat on him, but the most important reason i won't is respect..respect for him...respect for myself...and respect with the beautiful relationship he and i have built over the many years we have known each other.
From that respect comes trust and faith, and i am not willing to trash that for a few moments that i would only end up not enjoying in the short run and deeply regretting in the long run. |
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i tend to have pretty weird and vivid dreams. A couple of years ago i had a dream about McDonald's French fries. It was so real that, when i woke up, i could nearly taste them. i eventually had to go and get some, and they were fabulous!
The other night i had a very bizarre dream. i was doing a jigsaw puzzle in the dream. The weird part was that the puzzle had no picture. As you can imagine, this made the puzzle extremely difficult to piece together.
Well, maybe the weird part was that the picture in the puzzle would start to appear as events in my life took shape. So, it was event, then picture, then piece it together to make sense of it. Eventually, i could see where my dream life was headed.
After i woke up and was able to actually think, i realized that the puzzle was representative of my life with my Owner. i really have no idea what will be coming next. He continually surprises me.
Where life differs from my dream, though, is that i have no idea what the big picture is despite the events that occur. The one thing of which i am sure is that i am here for the long haul. |
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When my first owner released me, it was quite traumatic at the time. Looking back now, it wasn't so bad. At least he did it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid.
A couple of years later he and i were talking. He said something along the lines that he had met a girl, and how it should make me feel better to know she broke his heart. Apparently, he fell hard for her, and she had disappeared without a trace.
Well...no, it didn't make me feel good at all. It never makes me feel good to find out that someone i know has had difficulties of any kind. He didn't want me, but that doesn't mean i wanted someone to rip out his heart like he seemed to have done to me. (In retrospect, it was probably a good thing, and i learned much from my time with him.) There's just no upside for me to hear of someone else's suffering.
That may sound weak or even improbable to others, but it's true. i absolutely do not ever feel joy over another person's misfortunes. Retribution is not mine to dole out. Karma tends to work itself out in the end, but it's definitely not up to me how. |
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The upside of my memory? i rarely make the same mistake twice. |
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i have a problem with my memory. i know a lot of people who have memory woes, but no one has the one i have. Most people complain because they can't remember things. i have the exact opposite problem...i cannot forget things.
i'm sure most people wouldn't consider this a problem, but it is for various reasons. Sure, it's great being able to remember all the wonderful things that have happened in my life, but i also have to remember every bad thing, every embarrassing moment, every rejection, nearly every everything.
i have learned, mostly, not to recall the bad experiences, but they can sneak in at times. Something will happen, someone might say something, and, bam!, there's an ugly memory front and center. Fortunately, i have learned not to dwell on them when they do arise.
Because i remember things, i tend to use memories in journal entries, much like i did the other day when i wrote about imagination. i used my experiences with two different people from a long time ago to illustrate the a point about imagination.
Unfortunately, people tend to think, when i use long ago memories, that i am dwelling on the past. That couldn't be further from the truth! i wish i could forget things. i would love not to remember my foolishness in 2013 or the horrible Christmas of 2009. i would really love not to be able to recall many events from past in vivid details, but i do. i'd like to never have to go another day with someone getting snarky with me because i remember something they don't. But i am the way i am, and there are some things that a person just cannot change.
Over the years, i have learned how to accept this part of me, even when others might find it off-putting. i work on not contradicting someone else's memory if no harm will come from their version of events. One thing i can hardly ever get away with saying, though, is,"i don't remember." Anyone who really knows me doesn't buy that for a second :-) |
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i have long felt that a person is limited in life in general, and this lifestyle in particular, by their own imagination. i base this observation on way too much real life experience.
The first person i met in this lifestyle had a very miniscule "bag of tricks" he would bring out when we spent time together. He had a lot of hang-ups, and he refused to expand his thinking. He also possessed a lot of arrogance that was not backed up by his body of knowledge, even though he often thought he was educating me in some way. After just a little time together, i could see that we were going no where fast.
The next guy was the complete opposite of the first one. He had an imagination that just would not quit. Sure, he had an awesome dungeon with lots of cool toys, but there were many times when we never went into the dungeon and none of the toys came out. He taught me a lot about myself in the year we spent together. Even now, 15 years later, i am still recalling things that occurred back then and taking away something new from those memories. That was definitely time well spent. i can only hope that he got something out of our relationship as well.
What has caused this thinking at this time is my Owner. His imagination constantly astounds me. He has left me speechless on more than one occasion...many more. If any of you know me personally, speechless would not be the first word to come to your mind. He and i don't get nearly enough time together. i'm not even sure what would be enough for me. The thing is, whenever he and i do have time, he makes it terribly special. Not only is it special, but he also continues to find ways to surprise me. i wouldn't have thought that was even possible after all the years we've known each other.
Thank you, Sir, for all you are to me and for me. |
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The other day i wrote that it feels so good being appreciated, and it does. i thought maybe i could write more about that.
It matters not which part of the spectrum upon which you roost, being told you are appreciated feeds your soul. i tell people in my life that i appreciate them. i try not to tell them so often that it becomes trite with overuse, but often enough that they are not left wondering.
i don't get told that i am appreciated very often at all...by anyone. That's ok, though. Some people aren't as verbally expressive as i tend to be. They might show their appreciation in ways other than with spoken words. Perhaps they show it with gifts or other types of surprises. People communicate in different ways, right?
As much as all of this is true, nothing hits home quite so much as the actual words..."I appreciate all you do for me."...it can never be replaced completely. |
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Being appreciated makes me feel so good. |
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There are so many things i like about my Owner that it is sometimes hard to choose a topic upon which to expound. Tonight, that is not the case. This is something about which i have given much thought over the years...
i like that my Owner makes me feel safe...protected, even, at times. There are times that he even feels like a protective cloak in which i can envelop myself. No one can do me harm as long as i am his.
It's not just physical safety that i feel, though. He also protects my mental/emotional state. If he feels someone with whom i am in contact poses a threat to my emotional stability, he does not hesitate to rectify the situation. He can see things happening within me long before i feel, or acknowledge, the fact of what is occurring.
This is just one more thing that makes me know how very lucky i am. |
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i often remark on how lucky i am. i'm fortunate that my Owner is in my life. i'm especially lucky that he saw something in me that made him stick with me, even though i'm sure i made that difficult throughout 2013. i think i am perhaps the luckiest girl i know. i have so many blessings in my life.
Well, today i got to thinking about just how lucky i am. i think i am luckiest that my Owner allows me to be a part of his life. It's my most sincere hope that that luck never runs out. |
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It's funny how i always feel compelled to thank my Owner after spending time here. |
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Another topic that has taken up space in my mind lately is happiness. Happy is my default. Things may occur that throw me for a loop, but they never really get me down. Happiness always prevails.
i have known many people who choose not to be happy. i suppose they have their reasons, but i often hear people say, "if only i had (fill in the blank), then i would be happy." i don't know how many times i have told people that they will never find true happiness if they cannot find it within their self.
i have been a happy person for as long as i can remember. i like being happy. i detest drama in my life in any form except as entertainment in the form of movies or TV. i work hard not to have drama, and when someone tries to impose their drama on me, i shut them down as quickly as possible.
i recently came across two quotes about happiness that embody my feelings on the topic and on the state of being.
The first one is from Hugh Downs....
"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."
The other quote was sent to me by my dear friend...
"Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you." --Deepak Chopra
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i have been thinking lately about first impressions. i have come to the conclusion that they aren't as important as many people seem to think they are. i decided a long time ago not to put too much stock in them.
i have met people who make a great first impression only to have them show their true character after many weeks, or even months. By that time, a person might feel they have invested too much time and energy in getting to know someone to just walk away. One might delude their self into thinking the person will miraculously morph back into the wonderful person they first knew. From my experience, that never happens.
Then there are those who aren't so good at getting started. Their first impressions may be lacking, but, if you give them time, you find a person definitely worth knowing.
i can't remember what kind of impression my Owner first made on me. i do remember being a bit wary of him in the beginning. i was slow to trust him and open up to him completely. Maybe that was a good thing. my trepidation in moving forward with him allowed me to proceed with caution, which, in turn, allowed us to grow the trust we now enjoy.
i wonder what the first impression i made on him was. i had to have done okay considering the history of our relationship. i'm grateful that he saw something beyond what i probably showed him in the beginning.
i feel so lucky to have been found by him. |
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Every once in a while i am asked why, if i am truly owned, am i still on here. i don't take offense from the question. i'm sure it's most likely asked out of curiosity with no malice intended. (i wish i could say the same for the ones who write and practically accuse me of lying about my status.)
i could put the reason why i'm still here in a journal entry or even in the body of my profile, but not very many people actually read the profile, it seems. i mean, they can't even read the very first word, so it seems unlikely they would read beyond that.
Anyway, i think it should be obvious why i am here, if one gives it the least bit of thought. i am a slave who is completely owned. Given that fact, why would i still be here? |
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March has not been the best month for me. The last night of February, i went to a concert at Billy Bob's, and the place was packed! Who knew that Styx was still such a crowd drawer? Two days later, i had a tiny tickle in my throat. Four weeks later, i am still trying to recover. Seriously, this has been insane. One trip to the doctor and numerous calls for additional help, and i still have a cough.
April is looming on the horizon. i can only hope for a much better month than this one has been. Surely, it must be! |
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"Fifty Shades of Grey"
Last week, i saw the movie. i hadn't intended to see it when it came out. i never read the books. i heard they are badly written. i read a badly written book last year. i read it because it was about a family member, otherwise, i never would have bothered. Bad writing...ugh!
So, the movie....
Okay, as pure entertainment, it was an acceptable movie and not nearly as strange as "Birdman" which i still haven't figured out. If i was a purely vanilla person it would have definitely gotten me riled up. Mr. Grey has a very nice play room, and a particularly lovely crop.
As a movie, supposedly about the BDSM lifestyle, it had some room for improvement, but it's too late now. i think the thing that bothered me the most was that the "Dominant" consistently set bad precedents when it came to a Dominant/submissive relationship.
He told the girl that he would not sleep with her, then that very night they slept in the same bed after he relieved her of her virginity. It was such a glaring rookie mistake from a character who claimed to have done this type of relationship many times before. This was but the first misstep of many.
i would like to say that i never felt that they represented the lifestyle in a negative light. Anastasia's reticence at entering into the contract with Christian seemed to be only because she was so very lily white vanilla, not because he was scary onerous figure. She had never had sex let alone had any sort of "rough" play. Had this been a miniseries on HBO, he would have been able to finesse her at length and brought her willingly to the "darkside" over several episodes. Or at least educated her better.
i don't regret seeing it, but i won't be anxiously awaiting the DVD release. |
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The purge has been going quite well. i did the bulk of it last night and a little more right now. Getting rid of those old posts from failed relationships and old hurts has been very cathartic...like a good cleansing of one's soul. |
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Tonight, i am purging my journal. It has grown over the years to way too many pages that contain entries that are no longer relevant. It's difficult to decide which to keep and which to ditch, but i'm positive i can get it done. |
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i was perusing profiles the other day when i came across a journal entry that i just cannot get out of my brain. It was written by a "female slave" and has to do with love and fear. The first sentence is a question about whether it is better to be feared or to be loved. The entry isn't the best writing i have come across, but i assumed she is talking about from the owner's perspective. i mean, really, what is there to fear from a slave, right? She then proceeds to explain why, for her, she prefers to fear a master because that is what will keep her kneeling at his feet forever.
Hmmm...
i am not going to dispute her preference of living in fear forever. How could i? i don't know her. i have no idea what her past experiences are. i have no idea why she claims to be a slave. So, no, this isn't about ripping into her for her own desires within a relationship.
It is about what i can and cannot wrap my brain around. i understand that loving someone is scary. When you love someone as fully and completely as a slave tends to love her owner, you are basically giving them the means to thoroughly destroy you if that is the type of person they turn out to be. Loving someone in this way can actually be a basis for fear.
Fear, fear, fear...it shows up everywhere, it seems.
i refuse to fear my Owner. He could very easily devastate me at any second of any day, but i trust that he won't. That, i believe is the key to conquering fear...trust! Why anyone would want to spend a lifetime kneeling before someone they don't trust is beyond me.
moi? i will continue to arm my Owner with the ability to pull the figurative rug out from underneath me with the complete trust that he will do no such thing. |
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"I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions."
--Stephen Covey
i came across this quote yesterday, and it has stuck with me since then. i have known way too many "victims" in my life. They all want to blame this thing or that occurrence for the state of their existence instead of looking at their own complicity in how their life has turned out.
i suppose the topic of decisions might seem an odd one for a slave to tackle, but a slave makes at least one very crucial decision--to whom she will belong.
i failed at this decision more times than i have succeeded. All of those times when i got this one decision wrong has made me into the person, the slave, i am today, but i know i have finally gotten this one right.
my Owner feels like home to me. When he and i have time together the clock moves much too quickly. i cherish every morsel of attention he bestows upon me, and i look forward to the next time with much anticipation. The next time arrives and he makes it as great as all the other times. How is he able to do that? |
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Last year i had a calendar that had a Zen quote for each day. i had originally bought it to give to my sister, but i decided instead to text her the quote each day so we could have some kind of consistent interaction. i also sent the daily quote to my best friend. Yesterday, i sent the last quote.
Today, i got a text from my friend. Having decided it was now her turn, she sent me a quote:
"I shall continue to learn the fine art of forgetting, which by now I know is not really about forgetting at all. It is about letting go." --E. Hicks
Her specific quote was quite timely for me. i had decided a few days ago that it was time for me to let go of several things. That decision had prompted my previous journal entry. It was a "year in review" entry, of sorts, and it is now time to look forward. No more looking back! i feel i have learned what i needed to learn from my experiences of the last few years. The rest can be let go...not forgotten, but put in its proper place.
i am looking forward to a wonderful year with my Owner. He certainly deserves his slave to be fully present in her belonging, and that is what he shall have! |
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This year is ending so much better than last year did. Last year on this date i was returning home from my second trip to Anchorage. It was probably a trip i should not have made, but i did, so, no regrets. The reason i think i shouldn't have gone is because the man i went to see and i were already having big difficulties. Perhaps i went in hopes that being face-to-face would "fix" things. i suppose it did in a way...just not the way i had thought it might.
With 2013 ending not-so-well, 2014 started that same way. The drama of that failed relationship continued into the new year with a final culmination near the end of January. The relationship ended one day, and the very next day my (then) Mentor picked me up and dusted me off. He has always been there for me...a most wonderful person, indeed!
Because of the way that relationship ended, it took me a while to consider the possibility of being owned again. my Mentor checked on me regularly to make sure i was neither dwelling on things nor delving into the emotional upheaval on my own.
As i gradually emerged from my "cocoon", i realized where i needed to be. For years, my Mentor had offered me shelter when things were bad, guidance when i was lost, and friendship when all seemed well. He was where i needed to be all along! i just needed to get out of my own way in order to see what was so obvious.
So, this time i am going into the new year secure in my belonging, knowing i am where i should be and that i am wanted here. It is so much more than i thought i would have given the events of all of 2013. It may even be more than i deserve, but i'm not the person who determines what i deserve. i'm beyond happy that he is. |
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i'm constantly being reminded that i am such a lucky girl. He doesn't tell me i'm lucky. He shows me...in, oh, so many ways. |
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This place tends to wear me out at times. |
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i had a few days last week where i was feeling quite puny.? i thought maybe i had the flu, but, in all likelihood, it was just my severe allergies messing with my head.? All told, i would rather pollen mess with my head than the wannabes on here, but i digress.
i felt so horrible that, one of those days, i put on my PJs, made a cup of hot cocoa, and settled in to watch Rudolph.? i love that cartoon!? i have often felt like i could be at home on the island of misfit toys.? Every year i would watch and wonder if King Moonracer would give me sanctuary.? After all, i am a toy...of sorts.
This year i watched with a different viewpoint.? i do still feel like a kindred spirit to those poor toys who were stuck on that island for years, but i no longer feel like something to be discarded because of not fitting in.? i have found my belonging, or it found me.? Another thing for which to be grateful to my Owner. |
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i love the way my Owner takes care of me. He keeps track of my emotional health as much as he does my physical health. He reads all of my journal entries. Sometimes he comments on them and sometimes not. After reading my last entry, he commented.
He thought it was a lovely entry, but he also warned me to be ready for a backlash from one or both of the men i mentioned in it. i hadn't considered there would be any such backlash. One has said he left the site, but, with people hiding their profiles all the time, one can never be sure anyone really leaves. The other one made a manipulation attempt the weekend of the anniversary of our first meeting, so i doubted i would i hear anything from him again so soon.
So far, i haven't heard anything from either one. Not having heard from them doesn't make me think they agree with my assessment. It just means they haven't read the entry, or they are being respectful of my severing ties with them earlier this year. i'm fairly certain it is the latter, which is a good thing all around.
Regardless of whether i heard anything or not, i appreciate my Owner forewarning me to be prepared just in case either one took issue with what i had written. And so the list of things i like about my Owner grows ever longer as my trust in him grows ever deeper. |
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A while back i told my Owner that there isn't a thing that i don't like about him, and that is very true. Then, last month, i decided telling him something so broad wasn't enough, so i started telling him each thing i like about him. It's an ongoing process. i didn't sit down and write out a list then share it with him. i tell him an item as it comes to my mind.
Last night, one such thing popped into my mind as i was trying to go to sleep. It was just minutes after my bedtime, and i knew if i didn't share it with him that it would keep me up. The thing i was liking about him last night is that his owning me isn't about his ego.
Telling him didn't help me to get to sleep, though. i lay there in the darkness looking back at prior relationships and how they were all about the egos of the men with whom i had been involved...most notably two horrible failures of last year. The funny thing about those two relationships gone awry is that, while they each involved the guy's ego, it was for different reasons.
The first one was incredibly arrogant and in no way equipped to own a slave. Had i listened to my, now, Owner, i would have had nothing more to do with that person after our first in-person meeting, but, alas, i can be strong-willed and i am always trying to find the good in people. my continued interaction with this person nearly cost me dearly.
The second one seemed to suffer from insecurities and told me that he never gets the girl. That should have been a big red flag, but i was in a vulnerable state from the first guy. Had i been myself, i may have noticed that i was merely a trophy for someone with serious self-esteem issues.
Anyway, everything turned out the way it was supposed to, i believe. i belong to the correct person, and i never thought that was possible. And i like that he didn't take me into his house to satisfy his ego. He doesn't need to do that.
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Aah, Thanksgiving Day....one of my favorite days of the year. The food is fabulous! Sometimes too fabulous :) Spending time with dear friends is always a plus. But i also like that there is a day when we should look into our selves and find the good in our lives. For me, that is never difficult to do. i have so many blessings in my life, there are times when i feel i have been greedy about it.
This year, i have truly great things for which to be thankful. i am so much better off this year than i was at this time last year. While i didn't need this specific day to know that i am a most fortunate girl, i do like to take this day to let the special people in my life know they are precious to me. i won't be telling them that here, of course...that is something i do personally.
i tell my Owner often how grateful i am to belong to him. i worry at times that i say it too often, and my sentiments will become trite from overuse, if that's possible. i am very grateful to him for all he has done for me and continues to do. Becoming his was the highlight of my year. After having so many low points last year and in the first few weeks of this year, i was unsure of where i would end up, but he wasn't. He knew long before i where i belong, and he never closed that avenue to me...not ever!
i don't regret having taken the long way to get to my belonging. i'm the person i am today because of the things i have experienced, good and bad. Now that i am finally here, i plan to stay for as long as he will have me, which i truly hope will be forever. |
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i don't mind people asking me questions, especially if they are trying to gather information in order to figure out who they are. i'm happy to make acquaintances here...exchange emails, and maybe even eventually move to other modes of communication. None of that is restricted by my Owner.
What i will not do, however, is share private things about my relationship with my Owner. i will not provide masturbatory material to anyone, and most definitely not to those who misrepresent themselves while they are fishing for those explicit stories. It's not that difficult to figure out who those people are. They think they're being sneaky, but the only person they are any good at fooling is their own self. |
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i occasionally get emails from other women on here asking about the "process" of becoming a slave.? i'm usually at a loss for words as to what to tell them.? i don't feel like i went through any special process.? For as long as i can remember, i have always been the type of person that i am.? Finding out that i had a place in the world where the way i am is embraced was a very welcome discovery.? i love who/what i am, and, with the help of my Owner, i am continuing to grow and know more about myself.
Yesterday He said,"knowing yourself can be the only way you can give all of you."? He is so wise, and what He said is so true.? i'm enjoying learning more about myself.? It isn't about how much pain i can take or how much cock i can take, which appears to be what a lot of people here gauge as the be-all and end-all of this lifestyle.? It isn't about whether or not i will go down on some other woman because i am ordered to.?
There is so much more to this lifestyle, and i have to admit, at times, it saddens me that so many will never see that.? Then again, to each his own, right?? Maybe that other stuff is all some people want from this, but i will never be able to settle for less than what my Owner wants for me, or expects of me.?
i'm very fortunate to have finally found my belonging after so many years of bumping my way down the rabbit hole.? Or, rather, i am very fortunate my Owner found me before i was forever lost in a black hole. |
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my vanilla acquaintance from a previous entry read my profile and my journal here. He took a while to let me know he had done this for fear he might come off a bit stalker-ish, but i was flattered that he would go to such lengths to learn more about me. After all, i am practically a stranger to him. We met playing Upwords online in a random match-up. Well, i guess i'm not so much a stranger anymore since he has read my most personal thoughts.
i did find it interesting that someone who has nearly no interest in this lifestyle would read my entire profile, journal included, when people who claim to be interested in the lifestyle never see past my pictures. i do believe that my casual acquaintance has earned friend status. i'm talking actual friend...not the online fake friend status. He still won't be getting the rewards he craves, though. my Owner would frown on that, and it is my mission to never cause that again. |
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Yesterday i did something i hadn't done in years. i had been toying with the idea of doing it for most of this year. my Owner didn't voice an opinion about what i wanted to do, but, even still, i knew it would be okay with Him if it turned out right. It's not often the slave gets to make such an important decision on her own. In fact, the reason i hadn't done this particular thing in years is because i had been expressly forbidden from doing it until earlier this year when my Owner took possession of me.
Are you curious? Do you want to know what this previously forbidden activity is? It's not something i can do very often...only once every few months. Depending on my Owner's opinion of the outcome, i may never be allowed to do it again, or it could be heavily restricted.
Okay, you have waited long enough...i got my hair cut! Not trimmed...cut!
i like the new look, but that's not what matters to me. i need to know if my Owner likes it. After i get His feedback i will breathe easier. It's always the not knowing...the waiting to find out...that is the most difficult to get through. |
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It's not up to me to judge others, even though they sometimes make it extremely hard not to. i do, however, have opinions, and, as many know oh-so-well, i am not afraid to make those opinions known here in my journal.
It's my opinion that a slave does not yearn to kneel before her Master shaking in fear of what He might do. It's my opinion that a slave kneels before her Master because she is compelled from deeply within to do so. her devotion to Him is such that she cannot keep herself from showing Him this in every way possible...kneeling before Him being just one small way.
Furthermore, it's my opinion, that a slave should never serve from a position of fear or weakness. Every true slave i have ever met (and it hasn't been many) has been a very strong person. Being strong doesn't mean challenging one's Master at every turn. Being strong is about being able to give up oneself to another with complete trust. Being strong is about being able to get the job done...no matter what the "job" may be. Being strong is putting His needs before one's own.
Being a brat, acting out to get attention, then taking the "punishment" you orchestrated is neither being strong nor being a slave. It's just one more game player making it harder for the real slaves out here. If you want/need to feel the bite of the belt, ask for it! If He thinks you deserve it, it will be His pleasure to deliver that to His most treasured possession. When He is finished, you can show your appreciation for His attentions in an appropriate manner. Being a brat is never appropriate unless He has asked you to act thusly.
It bristles me when i read a profile of someone who calls herself a slave but presents herself as a game player. Just saying... |
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How is it that i try so hard to see something that isn't there while missing something so clearly evident? i'm so glad my Owner never gave up on me, even when i was difficult and my own worst enemy. i'm such an extremely lucky slave to be where i belong. |
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Rewards...
We all love them, don't we? What is more fun than getting a special treat for a job done well? From what i've read on here, many people view a D/s relationship as an action/reward type of deal in which rewards are expected. Much to my dismay, i have noticed that in a lot of "slave" profiles as well.
A recent "vanilla" acquaintance of mine asks for rewards a lot. Ours is a casual friendship, and the asking is done in a light hearted way. The thing is, i don't believe in rewards for every little thing a person does. i believe that a job done well is its own reward. i'm much more result oriented than reward oriented.
i certainly don't expect rewards from my Owner. His being pleased with me is a reward in and of itself. Being obedient, following the rules, being respectful of others is basically my job. More than my job, though, it's who i am. Should i be rewarded for being who i am?
If He wants to bestow upon me anything additional to the knowledge that He is happy with my service to Him, that is up to Him to decide and shouldn't happen as a result of my misplaced expectations or, even worse, because i have somehow managed to badger Him into it. (Yeah, that last thing wouldn't work. i just added it to make a point.)
If i constantly asked for rewards, and He acquiesced to my pleas, i think it would take away His pleasure of surprising me the way He does, and it would take away my opportunity to be surprised. Besides, He has already given me the greatest reward of all -- He has taken possession of me when i thought such a thing would never happen. |
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my Owner is very much an amazing person. No, i don't have stars in my eyes skewing my vision. It is simply a fact that He is amazing, and i know i'm not the only person who thinks so.
"What makes Him so amazing?", one might ask. The truth is, it isn't just one thing makes me think this. He's one of those persons who is always naturally in charge...of Himself as well as others. He has a way of cutting through the inconsequential things and getting right to the heart of the matter, as well as right to my heart. He sees things so clearly that i often wonder about my own astuteness.
It took me way too long to see Him for what He is and what He wanted with me. i let others cloud my vision for far too long, but that will never happen again. i am His completely for as long as He will have me.
Some may wonder why i am writing this. Is it to score points with my Owner? Not at all. He rarely comments on my journal entries. i am writing this because i cannot keep myself from doing so. |
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i wake up every morning looking forward to another day of serving my Owner.? i think that most days i am successful in this endeavor.? When i am not, He corrects me in that wonderful way He has.? i smile just thinking about it.
i know being corrected shouldn't bring smiles, and it doesn't while it is happening.? While He is in the midst of a correction, things are quite serious.? It is my greatest wish to be the slave He envisions me being, and i am learning from Him all the time.
The smile i have thinking of His way of correcting me comes from my deep admiration for Him, for His integrity, and for His unwillingness to compromise this at any given time.?
i am grateful to have this Man in my life.?
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Something wonderful happened on Monday. It wasn't just the event that occurred that was wonderful. The subsequent realization that i had was also wonderful...quite amazing, actually. And, of course, it all got me to thinking.
It took a good long time for me to find my belonging. Then, it took additional time for me to come to feel secure within that belonging. Even now, i will have an occasional moment of insecurity, but i no longer let that control me. i do my best to control it, and i send it on its way as soon as i feel it happening. If i can't get that done by myself, i consult my Owner. He has such an effective way of straightening out my thinking :)
The other day, i sent my Owner a message musing about something i had not yet done with him. Not 15 minutes later he was calling me and making that "something" happen. It was completely unexpected, and it took me a few moments to fully realize what was happening.
After he hung up, i thought about how incredible it was and how wonderful he is...how truly good he is to me and for me.
So, while i am almost completely secure in my belonging, i am so happy that i do not take it, or my Owner, for granted. If i did, then what happened on Monday wouldn't have been as great as it was. If i took this relationship for granted, i might start expecting these things to occur, and i might find myself not appreciating his "gifts" as much as i should. That is something that can never happen. |
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It upsets me when my Owner has to point out something to me that i should have seen on my own. Granted, these times always result in some amount of personal growth for me, but he shouldn't have to bring to my attention the blatantly obvious fact that i should take care of my emotional health for him. i already take care of my physical health for him, so why didn't it occur to me to take it upon myself to do something that would prevent future emotional turmoil? i can come up with various reasons and excuses, but they don't really pan out in the long run. The truth is i just didn't think things through all the way. The good thing is i know better now, and we shouldn't have to have that conversation again...i hope. |
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Expectations...
i have written about expectations a couple of times over the last couple of years. First, i wrote that i had no expectations of the person who owned me at the time of the writing. Then, a year later, i wrote that perhaps i should have had expectations of him, so that maybe he would have stepped up and been who he said he was or what he wanted to be. It's of no consequence to me now which was the right way to go. He was clearly a bad fit for me, and i have since been taken by an Owner who i feel is very good for me...he's also good to me.
After giving this much thought, i believe expectations are not always bad. Just as there are good and/or bad consequences, i believe expectations can be reasonable and/or not.
i don't think it unreasonable to expect someone to whom you have given your complete trust be worthy of that trust. They should be honest. They should do the things which they say they are going to do. What good is a person's word if they cannot be expected to keep it? Fortunately, this expectation is more than met with my Owner.
i have noticed in myself, however, that there are times when i create expectations where there should be none. Perhaps a change of relationship status will bring on this occurrence. Maybe i just get a notion in my head all on my own (this is usually the case) and create what ends up being an unreasonable expectation of my Owner. What is worse is that he doesn't know i have done this until i spiral out of control. Then he has to find out what's going on and "fix" me. i truly dislike this, and i am working hard at not creating these phantom expectations.
i also think there is one more category, though, and this may be the trickiest to stop. Sometimes, a person will say something that can create an unintended expectation. i'm not exactly sure what to do in this situation. Perhaps if i think on it some more i will figure it out...
Anyway, these are my thoughts on the subject. Yours may be different. If so, i would enjoy hearing other viewpoints on this topic. i never know when or where i might learn something of value. |
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In reference to my previous entry, i don't usually write about hiccups in my relationship with my Owner. Doing so tends to bring out the vultures on this site. They see what they think is an opening, and they pounce, ever so willing to exploit a person's vulnerability.
i have decided that i don't need to worry about that any longer. The bond i share with my Owner is very strong, and it grows stronger all the time. Each hiccup...each bump i encounter on my way down the rabbit hole serves only to deepen my feelings and my dependence on this man who owns me, all of me and not just bits and pieces of me. He may cause me to cry now and then, but he inspires me to smile and laugh a hundred times more often. The important thing is that the tears usually bring growth in the long run, and i am definitely in this relationship for the long run. |
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Yesterday wasn't the greatest day for me. The thing is, even when there is a big bump in the road, i still think i am the luckiest girl...the luckiest slave. Unlike previous relationships, this Owner doesn't turn and run when the going gets a little tough or when i have an emotional outburst. No. He stays and delves into the cause of my meltdown or the root of whatever my problem is. One of the things i most admire about him is his ability to break down my walls...walls i was unaware existed. He can get inside my mind like no one else has ever done.
So, difficult day aside, even knowing the ramifications are still to come, i am, by far the luckiest girl i know because i am his. |
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i am so incredibly fortunate :) |
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i just read a slave's profile. It didn't take long. i think it had two sentences. She says she is ready to find the "one" who can tame her and bring her to kneel before him. i'm not judging her. Everyone has their own thing. i hope she finds that special person.
What i found interesting is that i have never felt like i needed to be tamed. i always figured i would kneel before my Owner because he inspired me to do that, not because he convinced me i should. i would, and do, do it because i cannot keep myself from doing so. i don't think he would want me to do it for any other reason. |
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my Owner is one of the most accepting and open-minded persons i have ever known.? This is not to say that he is a pushover...by no means is he a pushover.? In fact, he is quite strict and can be very rigid at times, but those things endear him to me all the more.
Even though he has owned me for just a short time, i have known him for several years.? The other day, i told him there was nothing about him that i didn't like.? He thanked me for that.? It was not a response i anticipated getting, but i have found, over the years, that trying to anticipate anything with him would prove to be quite fruitless.?
He is definitely one of a kind, and i am thankful that he is the "One" who owns me. |
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my Owner doesn't allow me to call him "Master" at this time. He has never permitted me to use this title for him. He has his reasons. i understand his position on this...not that it matters whether i do or don't.
It's actually refreshing not to have it demanded of me for a change. i have met so many here who are so hung up on the words that they forget to live up to their meaning. i'm glad my Owner cares more about actions than a moniker. Even in this, he has taught me so much. |
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i've been a bit surprised at the reactions my last journal entry has provoked in some people. i don't think the entry is confusing. It's very simply about lying and how distasteful i find that to be. It isn't about someone thinking they are Dominant and then realizing they are truly submissive, because that isn't what happened. Nor did i randomly pick someone's profile and write a petty entry about what they have written.
i thought about reworking it or even deleting it since a couple of people were having trouble with it, but my Owner doesn't like when i delete my thoughts. So, i asked a few people i know to read it and give me their feedback, and they seemed to understand perfectly what i was saying. The entry will remain as originally written. |
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i am often amazed at peoples' capacity for deception and their ability to rationalize that deception. i know i shouldn't be, but that doesn't change the fact that i am. After being here for more than eight years, i should be quite inured to the ways of those who dwell here, but i guess i have more hope for the innate goodness in people than most others have.
Last year, i was approached on here by a male who represented himself as dominant. i believed this to be true due to the nature of our interactions. He ended up being a total flake, but that isn't really the point of this posting.
A couple of months ago, i happened to see his profile in the queue on the home page here, but now he is a couple. i took a look out of curiosity, and i was surprised by what i saw. i thought i would see a Dom/sub or Dom/slave couple, but, no, i saw a sub/sub couple. i was a bit taken aback by this discovery, but, you know, to each his own. Some people don't figure out who they are until they find out who they aren't.
The problem for me arose when i asked him about it. He said he is dominant, but he listed himself as submissive so other dominants would contact them. i'm sure this sounds reasonable to him and maybe even to her because they are looking for a means to their end, but lying is lying. Representing yourself as one thing when you are the exact opposite of that thing is just wrong, no matter your reasoning. |
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"I will never set you up to fail."
That was the number one rule of the person who made me realize that i am a slave and not a submissive. There was one day when i had thought he had done exactly that. When i asked him about it, he referred me back to rule #1. i realized that i had managed that particular failure all on my own.
i have thought about this rule as i have struggled with some things lately. my Owner has never instituted this rule, but i know him well enough to know that he truly wishes for me succeed. There is no upside for him if i should fail at something...anything. i don't need him to tell me this.
That said, because times have been a bit rough for me lately, i have allowed some negativity to cloud my focus. While i have never thought that my Owner was setting me up to fail in any way, shape or form, i have wondered if i was doing this to myself, or, even worse, was i doing this to him? Was i creating expectations that were misplaced?
i try very hard not to have expectations of my Owner. He has enough going on in his life without me bringing manufactured drama to the table. So, after several very tough weeks of self-reflection, i have come to the conclusion that, yes, i had created some expectations based on things that were said but that maybe weren't intended to be taken the way i had taken them.
After talking with a close, and valued, friend and a very needed discussion with my Owner, i am back on track. As always, i am truly grateful for the awesome people in my life. |
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Mulling over my insecurity a couple of weeks ago brought to mind the matter of trust. my insecurity, stemming from a fear abandonment, showed an obvious lack of trust in my Owner. A previous Dom's insecurity, stemming from (i believe) jealousy, showed an obvious lack of trust in me. Funny how the same problem can come from two different sources.
Try as i did, i couldn't do anything about his lack of trust. i made my life as transparent as i possibly could...held back on nothing. He had access to things to which access had never been granted to anyone in the past. i did everything i could think of to get him to trust me, but, alas, it was to no avail. He now has a new slave whom he seems to trust implicitly, so that's a good thing.
my lack of trust in my Owner was an unfortunate oversight on my part. In all the years i have known him, he has never done anything to engender such mistrust from me. i have even told him in the past that i trust him completely; that i trust him with my life. After my insecurity came to light, i realized that my actions belied my words. If i feared he would abandon me, as others had...if i was worried he would release me with no warning, as others had...how could i possibly have as much trust in him as i claimed to have?
Clearly, i had a choice to make. i could continue to allow this misplaced insecurity to taint our relationship. Or... i could live up to my words of complete trust in him. Once the correct choice was made, the insecurity disappeared. i have not had that fear plague me since that time. i am free from that concern.
As always, i am grateful to him for having the faith in me that he so clearly has. Another blessing for me to count... |
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After thinking about my journal entry from yesterday, i feel i need to add something...
While it is true that these irresponsible men have instilled this insecurity in me, i have allowed it to stay. i have never been one to deny my own culpability, and i won't start now. Yes, they planted the bug, but i have allowed it to maturate over the years. i cannot, and will not, allow it to continue harming a healthy relationship.
The bottom line is this...it is unfair to him, and he deserves so much better than that. |
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One of my demons reared its ugly head recently. i loathe even knowing it's still within me and can be prompted to appear with such ease. This demon of which i speak is insecurity. There are different things that can feed insecurity. Earlier this year i was on the receiving end of a person's insecurity that was fueled by jealousy. It was very unpleasant to endure.
my insecurity doesn't stem from jealousy. i don't recall ever having been jealous of another person. i thought i had experienced jealousy last year, but in reality i was reacting to another person's jealousy of me.
No, jealousy isn't my problem. my problem has not been present all of my life. It was instilled in me by the callous men who treat this lifestyle as a game. The ones who take everything a girl has to give, then coldly shoves her to the side because he lacks the ability to commit or, even worse, has no idea what to do with her once he has run through his repertoire of moves. my demon is my fear of abandonment.
i thought i had a handle on it. To find out it was back and worse than ever was like a hard slap to my face. So, i have been spending this week thinking through the last few weeks and working on banishing this weakness from my life. It isn't easy, but i think i can be successful in my endeavor. No, scratch that...i know i can be. |
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"Why me?"
It's a lamentation often uttered by people facing difficult times. The other day, after spending some time with my Owner, i found myself saying that very thing..."why me?" When i said it, though, it was with a huge smile on my face. i was not lamenting a thing, rather i was celebrating my belonging.
"Why me?"
Out of everyone in this world, how did i get to be the lucky one? Why was i chosen when others were not? How is it that i caught the eye of someone who is so kind and patient with me even when he is being stern and strict?
i'm not at all certain i will ever have the answers to these questions. i'm not at all certain i want the answers. i definitely enjoy the wonder that comes with our relationship, so i don't feel i need the answers. i don't need them to know i am where i belong.
"Why me?" is what i caught myself saying the other day. After much thought, i wonder if he might say, "why not you?" |
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i try very hard not to judge others here. It's not my place to do so, and everyone has to live his/her own life as he/she sees fit. i do, however, have to wonder what is submissive about wanting to do certain things then finding someone to make you do those, and only those, things? To me, that is a bottom looking for a top.
i think there should be the additional choices of "top" and "bottom" as a means to describe oneself within the profile. After more than eight years here, i wholeheartedly believe there are way more tops and bottoms than actual Dominants and submissives prowling this site. i think this would be a much better place if people were able to more clearly defines what they are in their profile. (Okay, that would be truer if more people actually read profiles instead of just looking at pictures and deciding that the person in the photo is right for them, but that is probably another journal entry in the making.)
In my opinion, having so few choices to describe oneself leads to a lot of frustration. Perhaps if people had additional choices they might even be able to figure out what they actually are and what they need. i have met way too many men who claim to be Dominant but in reality they are tops who like kink in their life now and then to spice things up. It gets even worse when they think they are Dominant and a Master, but they are actually neither.
i pass no judgment on what a person claims to be. i just want them to be correct when making that claim. |
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It was pointed out to me that consequences do not have to be bad...that good consequences often result from good choices or actions. i don't think most people think of this when they hear the word consequences, maybe because it starts with 'con' it creates an almost automatic perception of something bad. So, i thought i would take this opportunity to present the positive side of there being consequences to ones everyday life choices. |
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About six weeks ago, i was in Houston visiting friends. Just before bed there was a discussion about some activities of mine late last year having to do with another Dominant. i went to sleep shortly after that, but i woke up not too much later from a jumble of dreams that had to do with my geographic location and the pre-bedtime conversation. i reached for my phone and sent my Owner a message. It contained one word..."consequences."
Needless to say, this one-word message prompted questions from him which were waiting for me the next morning when i got up. i explained what it was all about, and he laughed at me the way he does when i am silly.
The other day, a friend of mine made an error in judgment (i.e. she did something she knew she shouldn't do), and she had her own consequences to face. i feel for her, and i hope she is okay. i have not heard from her since she was told what those consequences would entail.
So, this got me to thinking about slaves and people in general. i would have to say that no one thinks more about possible consequences than a good and dutiful slave. i know, when i am faced with a decision about which i cannot confer with my Owner, i first ask myself what he would think about my actions in each scenario of the choice that would be made. Then i think about what the consequences might be if i got it wrong.
my Owner does not micromanage my life. Instead, he sets standards and then holds me accountable for my actions within those standards. If i step out-of-bounds, i know there will be consequences for my actions. i also know that i will not enjoy those consequences. But even more than disliking having to endure them, i will hate that i put my Owner in the position of having to determine, then enforce, those consequences. |
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Every now and then, i will get an email from someone trying to dismiss the idea that a slave (or sub) can be simple. Today was such a day. His email didn't offend me, and why should it? It is merely another person voicing his opinion, and i rarely take issue with that, if ever. After all, the more opinions that one can gather, the more informed they might possibly become.
i did reply to him. i basically questioned how complicated can it be to be obedient and to put another person's desires above my own. To me, it seems to be very simple and also comes to me quite naturally.
Coincidentally, today's quote from my calendar is:
In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity.
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
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i'm glad it's possible to still feel like the luckiest girl in the world, even though i haven't been the most pleasing. There was a time when i let the latter affect the former, but i know now it doesn't have to. i made an error, but that error does not mean the end of the world. It means i have more work to do, and, unfortunately, my Owner has more work to do. i'm not proud of that fact. He already has enough to do. He certainly doesn't need me adding anything to his plate. |
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Today i am feeling like...such a lucky girl. After talking with my Owner last night, i realize that i could very easily have driven him away over the last few years as i struggled through various relationships. While owned by another, i knew i was developing feelings for him...becoming dependent on our interaction. He did nothing to engender these feelings. In fact, he often took a step back so that he wouldn't be in the forefront in my life. As a result of the feelings i had developed i often hid myself from him or ran away when he approached me.
But, alas, after years he grew weary of my "experimentation" and my being "abused" by so-called Doms. He was unwilling to lose another two years with me to allow me to continue on my self-destructive path.
What can i say? i am eternally grateful to this man who owns my heart, mind and soul. He knows me better than anyone else in my life does. He alone has the power to make me or break me, and he definitely seems intent on making me. So, i am absolutely a lucky girl. |
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my Owner had a birthday last week, and i got a huge surprise. i'm still on cloud nine over this unexpected but very welcome "gift" that i received on his birthday. Seriously, just sitting here writing about it, remembering, i have the biggest smile on my face. i don't know how it is that it was his birthday and, yet, i got the present, but it is definitely more evidence of just how fortunate i am.
i have a birthday coming up in a few months. i can't imagine how he could ever top what he gave me for his birthday, and i have no expectations that he will try, but it is fun to think about... |
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i stumbled and skinned my knee...He picked me up, brushed me off, kissed my boo-boo, and sent me on my way.
i stumbled and skinned my knee...He picked me up, brushed me off, kissed my boo-boo, cautioned me over my rash behavior, and sent me on my way.
i stumbled and skinned my knee...He picked me up, brushed me off, kissed my boo-boo, admonished me, but he did not send me on my way.
He, instead, pulled me tightly to him and told me this is where i belong. He was so right all along and in every step he took. He could have pulled me to him after the first stumble, or even the second, but he didn't. He could have turned me away after my continued rash behavior, but he didn't. What he did means so much more to me than i can express. i can only hope, over time, to do as much for him as he has done for me. |
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This thing that is going on on CM with the founders of the site makes me chuckle. It's bad enough i've had to wade through all of the great pretenders on here over the years. You know, the fakes who come here just to play games with a person's life for some personal satisfaction, the likes of which totally escape me. i have never understood how a pretend relationship could be satisfying in any way, but i think i have written on that topic before.
Now, the powers-that-be here are playing games with us. It matters not to me if the site goes away for good at any time. i have backed up my journal, but most importantly, i have already met the person to whom i have relinquished control. We do not communicate through here, except when i'm feeling a bit impish and send him a silly email here. i will lose nothing in the demise of this site, but i do feel for the ones on here who will. It's too bad the people who run this place feel nothing for their supporters. If they did, this debacle would never have taken place. |
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Tough few days coming up. They will be tougher for my Master than for me, and he will be in my thoughts more than usual...if that's even possible. i will remember, though, that this is not about me in any way, shape or form. |
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What happens when a girl's walls come tumbling down? If she is fortunate, there will be a responsible level-headed man there to help her gather up the pieces that come falling out of those now non-existent walls. If she is really lucky, he will see that without her walls she is the most vulnerable she has ever been, and he will proceed with caution so as not to further traumatize her. If she is the luckiest, most fortunate girl there ever was, then she is me :)
my Owner has been the most patient Master i have ever encountered. i have learned much from him, and i know i have much much more to learn. When i have wanted to run headlong into our relationship, he has gently, but firmly, pulled back on my "leash". He is so careful when pulling that i have yet to suffer any sort of whiplash at his hand.
He has been such a fixture in my life over the last few years, that the transition from Mentor/friend to Owner has been practically seamless. i'm not sure i have ever fit with someone as easily as i do with him. |
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If going through what i went through last year was the price i had to pay to be where i am now, i say it was well worth it! i have no regrets over the things that have happened since i first met my Owner...things that kept me from belonging to him. All that i have experienced under his watchful eye in all these years, has prepared me to be his in a way in which i have never belonged to another. |
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"I will always own a part of you."
i have heard that statement or other variations of it from nearly every person who has owned me or came close to owning me. It goes all the way back to 2006 and the Master who helped me realize that i am a slave. Most of them have even popped back into my life at various times for whatever reason, but they all seemed to want reassure themselves that this statement was true. They would go on fishing expeditions to see just how much of me they could still lay claim to. They never seemed concerned with my emotional well-being as long as their little egos got a good stroking.
i admit to having bought into this claim. i was complicit in my own undoing more times than i care to mention.
i am happy to say that i no longer think this statement has any merit. There are no longer bits and pieces of me scattered among those who claim to have them. my Owner has all of me. He has spent much time and taken great effort in gathering up all of my pieces and putting them back together. When one piece would go astray, he would hunt it down and bring it back home. He owns me completely, and i am grateful to him for that and so much more.
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It's been a tough couple of days between an emotional meltdown and being a disappointment, but here i am emerging on the other side better than ever.? It has brought to mind that quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."?
We've all heard it and have probably said it at some point.? i know i have.? After the last couple of days, i have a new saying as well as my profound apologies to Mr. Nietzsche for "borrowing" the premise of his wise words.?
Here it is: That which does not cause my Owner to kill me allows me to grow as his slave and within my belonging.
Nuff said. |
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i always try to find the positive aspect of every situation. It may not seem so to other people at times, but i do. No matter how badly something turns out, there is always something to be learned, and that is definitely a positive. Actually, the worse something turns out, the greater the lesson, it sometimes seems.
Over the last few months, something has transpired that has caused my Owner to express disappointment. i know, slaves, it is nearly the worst thing you can hear from your Owner, but it happened, and i must deal with it.
The way i see it, i can curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself or i can take away a good lesson learned and move forward. i prefer the latter to the former.
What i did is no one's fault but my own. i have a brain, and i am perfectly able to use it. In this particular case, i didn't use good sense. i know that now, and i intend to not let this happen again in the future.
As my Owner has said, i need to "move forward", and he is ever so right. i just need to remember that more than anything...he is ever so right. |
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i think it is interesting that the same person who reinforces my strengths also brings out a weakness in me. This is not a bad thing...not at all. The weakness he has unearthed is one of vulnerability, and, by everything he has told me, it is a trait he enjoys me having. i am learning to embrace this newly "unleashed" vulnerability because i know he will not abuse it. Over the years he has tried to protect me from those who would exploit this aspect of my personality, but i argued in their favor, only for them to prove him right.
i am such a lucky girl, and i cannot say it often enough. my Owner stood by me as a mentor and a friend while i went through my growing pains. He never deserted me, no matter how awful i was to him. That isn't to say he acted as a doormat or stood idly by as i ran through each failed relationship. What makes me so lucky is that he was always there to yank me back and teach me well-deserved lessons at each turn. He never pressured me to become his, nor did he rush me.
After all i have put the both of us through the last few years, i know, without a doubt, that i am exactly where i belong. i will be just as he wants me to be, which happens to be myself with absolutely no pretense. i am a vulnerable and needy slave, and while he has "unleashed" this part of me he has firmly "leashed" the rest.
So, yep, i am most definitely a fortunate girl. |
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Growth is an amazing thing. It's even more amazing when the growth is noticed by oneself and even others...one particular other in this case.
i have never felt so thoroughly owned and yet so free at the same time. i know i am permitted to go about my life as i need to. i also know that i am accountable to my Owner for any and all of my actions. So, free but not free, and i wouldn't want it any other way.
Who knew that someone could find their freedom through their enslavement? Well, i will tell who...he knew! He told me this several times. i wasn't sure where he was leading me as he tugged on his "leash" increasingly harder, but here i am.
i know i still have far to go, but i also know he will make the going well worth the trip. |
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When i see a profile full of quotes or links to other websites, i wonder if that person ever has an original thought. Quotes are nice, but if everyone has already said everything you think, you might be in trouble when it comes time to carry on an intelligent conversation. |
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i am damaged. There's no question about that. The person who toyed with me for the first half of last year really did a number on me. i wish this wasn't the case, but to say otherwise would be disingenuous of me. i was undoubtedly partially damaged before he added to the mix, but he is largely responsible for a part of my current state of mind that i am trying so hard to repair with the help of a person most dear to me.
The person from the second half of the year feels he may have done more harm than the first one, but i disagree...sorta. i don't know. How can you tell who did the greater harm when one is piled right on top of the other? All i know is that my current Owner did not hesitate to step in and take control of the situation. The situation being me needing to be healed.
Part of my damage is feeling easily disposed of or forgotten. It's hard to feel cherished or wanted if i'm begging for time when the other person seems to prefer spending his free time cruising this website instead of giving me the slightest bit of attention. i know it was his own decision how to spend his spare time, but to be ignored for weeks then told it was a lack of time even though he was constantly on here, well, that just really does something to someone who gives their all to that person. Trust was certainly damaged in the process.
Now my damage is showing up at bad times. i am trying to keep it under control while simultaneously mending myself, but there are days when i feel i am losing the battle. i just keep telling myself that nothing else matters at this time other than my belonging. i know i could have avoided most of this if i had just listened to the person who now owns me. When i apologized for not listening to him, he said, "children need to play and cut themselves a little bit before they realize it and don't do it again." He was so right. |
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i am, admittedly, an attention slut. i would imagine a lot of people are. In the course of my last relationship, i realized that there are at least two types of attention sluts. There may be more...i just don't know about them.
From what i can tell, there is the person who wants attention constantly and doesn't care from whom she gets that attention. As long as someone, somewhere is engaging her, she is happy as a clam.
Then there is the type of attention slut that i am. Yes, i crave attention. i will take as much as i can get, but, for me, it definitely matters from whom i receive this attention. i respond most favorably to attention from the person who owns me. If i am unowned, i easily get overwhelmed by all of the attention bestowed upon me by the people here, and i withdraw. It's not that attention from strangers is unwelcome...it's just that it is not terribly satisfying.
i need the deep mental connection, such as i enjoy with the one who owns me, for the attention i receive to stimulate me and make me crave more. Without that connection, the attention is almost painful.
i currently cannot get enough attention, but it isn't for his lack of trying. i just find myself to be insatiable when it comes to the person who owns me. He's just that good :) |
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"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"
--William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
This is an oft-quoted passage from the play in which Juliet argues it matters not the names of things; only what things are.
i think of this each time someone comes along and "demands" that i address him/her in a specific way. i, too, have often thought the term of address makes the person what he should be. One would think i would know better after all of my military experience. In the military, all officers are addressed as "Sir" or "Ma'am" regardless of whether they deserve it. After years of having to show this respect to those who often hadn't earned it, it now takes me a while to bestow such an honorific on someone.
That being said, it isn't the term with which i address the person to whom i belong that matters. To me, it is the person's character and his comportment. i would much rather belong to someone who acts as a Master should rather than someone who demands to be called "Master" without truly being one.
It is my honor and privilege to be where i belong. i feel fortunate to address the person who owns me as he wishes. i very well could not be addressing him at all. |
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Accepting is a large part of what a slave does.? she must accept things that most people would never even consider.? Any slave reading this knows exactly of what i speak.? Just as with most people, some things are easier for me to accept than others.? It's hard to say what will be easy and what will be difficult on any given day, emotions being what they are and all.
In the past, i have sometimes struggled with accepting things that i knew i must...struggled to the point of disobedience, i am ashamed to admit.? Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, right?
Recently, i had to accept something that was very difficult for me at first.? It was something that i did not do such a good job accepting last year, which led me to many months of turmoil and the possible loss of someone very dear to me.
The person to whom i belong had me cut ties with someone from my past.? i know he did this for my good and NOT as some sort of power trip or punishment, and that has made it much easier to accept.?
Still, it has been difficult as i have never intentionally severed ties with anyone in my life.? i have, however, been on the receiving end of such treatment a time or two.? Having now done it myself i wonder about the people who have found it so easy to cut me from their lives.? These were people, especially one in particular, who claimed to love me but had no problem cutting me from their lives.? i hope no one ever gives my Owner cause to have me do this again, but, if he does, i will accept his decision on the matter.
? |
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Is it the journey or the destination that is most important? It seems to me that too many people are so eager to arrive at their preconceived destination that they forget to enjoy getting there. i find that to be a bit sad for them.
i currently find myself to be on a wonderful journey. It took me way too long to get to this point with this person. i am fortunate that, in all these years, he has never given up on me. i do wish that it hadn't taken me so long to see what was right in front of me the whole time, but maybe i wasn't supposed to. Perhaps i needed to go through what i went through to bring me to this point in my life where i could truly appreciate the person and the journey.
As for the destination? i have no idea what it will be. He may or may not know, but i am not asking. When he wants me to know, he will inform me. Until then, i am completely his and trust that he will make the journey not only worthwhile but also interesting.
Thank you, Sir, for helping me see. i am truly a lucky girl! |
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i've heard that confession is good for the soul. i don't know about that, but it certainly is good for the slave's mind :) |
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i have found, over my years here, that making a true connection is more difficult than one would think. i suppose it is easier if the people involved simply want to "play" with each other. Then, just having a common interest in BDSM would probably be enough. There needs to be so much more than that for a real, mutually satisfying relationship to survive.
It's funny how many think that because i am a slave i should be able to fit with any Master. i'm sorry to say, it just doesn't work that way. There are a lot of traits a person must possess to be a good Master (as well as some he shouldn't possess), and i am not willing to compromise on most of those items. While it's true that a lot of things can be worked around, there are several things with which i cannot deal.
Trust is a big issue with me. i don't lie, and i don't like being lied to. i count someone purposely misleading me as being lied to. When that happened with a Dom from here seven years ago, i found i couldn't trust him with my safety. i tried to overcome it, but i just couldn't. The biggest reason i couldn't was because i began wondering if he was misleading me on other things every time we talked or spent time together. Not only did he damage my trust in him, but he also damaged his own image as to how i perceived him. He basically wiped out a couple of must-have traits with one misleading action.
i feel so fortunate to have in my life someone i trust completely. i told him just last night that i trust him with all my being, and also with my well-being. To some, i am sure this seems rather sudden, but it isn't. He has been a constant in my life for many years, and i am hopeful that he will continue to be for a very long time to come. i am enjoying our ever-strengthening connection.
i didn't ask him if he trusts me. i would never speak for him, but, based on what i know of him, i don't think he would have someone whom he couldn't, or didn't, trust. |
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Every once in a while i get an email that is so special that i feel compelled to share it with everyone. i received one such email this morning. Not only did the supposed dominant male send a remarkable message, but he triggered the bulk mail filter while doing so. Knowing that while he was "wooing" me with his words he was copying and pasting the email to countless others so quickly that the site noticed and stopped him from sending emails temporarily makes me feel even more special.
Seriously, though, how is someone supposed to take something like that to be the least bit meaningful?
i am grateful for the entertainment, though.
(i know i didn't share the content of the email. i didn't want the guy to feel like he got attention he doesn't deserve, even if that attention is in the form of derision.) |
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Over the years i have tried to stop myself from asking things of others.? Sometimes i forget not to make a request of someone else.? i plead temporary amnesia of knowing how people typically act.? It's just that some people will gladly acquiesce to a request when they are in the "wooing" stage of a relationship.? Then, perhaps, the desire to impress their "target" with their ability to do what they say they are going to do subsides.? Promises are made in the heat of a moment to achieve their short-term goal, whatever that may be.? Then, they have time to think about what they've committed to doing, and they just sort of forget about it or they flat-out change their mind.
So, it isn't that i don't want to ask for things.? It's really that i prefer not to be lied to by people who are willing to say anything to get what they want in a particular moment only to decide differently later on. |
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A couple of weeks ago i was accused of being selfish.? my egregious act was wanting the person who has been basically jerking me around and popping in and out of my life for way too long to step up and be real.? i had had enough of false promises and fantasy role-playing through texting.? None of that holds any interest to me.? i need to physically feel the other person, not imagine feeling him.
The tender spots i'm sporting now are real...definitely not the result of living in fantasyland.? Thank you so much to the person who pulled me out of the vicious cycle i had been stuck in for far too long.? i know you tried earlier, but, what can i say, i'm a slow learner :) |
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i feel a peace i haven't felt in way too long...maybe even a couple of years. It's so calming to be where i belong and know that i am welcome. i think i will stay here for a very long time...as long as i am permitted, that is. i feel like i am once again on solid ground...no more sand shifting beneath me.
When things start to feel like too much, all i need to do is close my eyes and remember my belonging. In no time at all, a calmness washes over me, and i know. i know that i am cared for. i know that i am protected. i know that my needs will be addressed and my wants will be considered. i know that he takes his responsibility seriously. i know he has high standards for a slave, and i intend to live up to those standards. i know i am home. i know i am a lucky girl.
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i once likened my descent into slavery to going down the rabbit hole. That was all fine and well at the time, but it turns out that those who had led me down there were no white rabbits.
Lately, i feel like i have been more like Dorothy stranded in Oz. i'm not sure how long she was there before she learned the secret of how to get back home, but it has taken me more than two months to find my way back. There are times when i wish it was as easy as clicking my ruby-clad heels together and chanting a few words, but it wasn't. While easier might have been quicker, it may not have been as satisfying. i don't mind doing the hard work, especially when the reward is so great.
Hmmm...did i say a couple of months? If you ask my "Wizard", he might say it has taken me a couple of years :) And he may very well be right! |
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Last year i wrote that i have no expectations of the one who owns me. At the time i wrote that, it was true. Looking back, maybe i should have had expectations of him. If i had expected things of him and he knew it, then maybe he would have stepped up. There really is no way to know for certain. Even if we tried a "do over" which included the missing expectations, we are two different people now, and our actions/reactions would be different from a year ago. |
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It has been a long and arduous journey, but i am finally back where i belong. It feels good to be "home" and even better to have been welcomed back with open arms. |
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While i don't typically use the blocking feature on here, i do tend to use the "hide user" button quite frequently. The profiles i tend to hide are ones that i don't want to see popping up on my screen while i'm browsing. They include profiles that have truly disgusting pictures as their primary photo, very poorly written profiles, and profiles of people who don't know the difference between the words dominate and dominant. my "hidden users" file is growing by leaps and bounds :) |
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i appreciate when a person takes time from his/her busy life and offers feedback on something i have written. i get a lot of people telling me that what's done is done, and i should just move on. Well, yes and no.
Yes, i agree that dwelling on things and wallowing is unhealthy. i try not to do that. What i do is examine what happened and try to learn from the mistakes that were made on both sides. If one cannot gain personal growth from a failed relationship then what is the point of even trying?
So, forget the past? i think not! But i also will not let it make me become embittered or jaded. |
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It's no fun being in an uneven relationship, but i managed to do it twice last year. Each one was uneven in a different way, but they sucked equally bad, even though the second one was much shorter lived than the first one. Some people would say the first one is still going on, and i would be forced to agree with those who did. The second relationship was uneven in that he was always so much further along than i ever was.
He had his mind set on owning before i even knew he existed. By his own admission, he saw the primary picture on my profile and just had to know how it would feel to have that smile directed at him. Flattering? Sure, i suppose so, but not the basis for a good solid Master/slave relationship.
A little (very little to him) hiccup in his plan was that i was technically still owned. The big (very big to me) hiccup was that i was still very much emotionally attached to my owner at that time. When the owner officially dismissed me from service, the new guy swooped in and immediately began pushing me toward being owned by him, despite me telling him numerous times to slow down, to back off, to give me time to heal.
In hindsight...aah lovely, never wrong hindsight...i see that the new guy was already thinking that he owned me. His trying to treat me that way caused all kinds of conflict within me. i know i should have been even more adamant about him giving me time to detach from the previous guy. i was going to put a "but" there, but decided not to because i feel this error is mine alone regardless of my emotional state at that time.
i should have stood my ground. If i had, all of the ugliness that followed in the months to come may never have happened. He would never have had to be disappointed that i was never at the same place in our relationship as he. i would never have had to struggle to catch up and be constantly berated for coming late to each juncture of the relationship.
The other uneven relationship? Well, that one is much easier to explain....only one of us was willing to put in any effort. |
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If i kneel before You, it will not be because You have commanded it. When i kneel before You, it will be because i am compelled to do so. It will be because i cannot fathom doing anything else. It will be because i know it's where i belong. |
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"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." -- John Wooden |
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Someone asked me last week about what qualities i look for in a dominant man. They are actually many of the same qualities i look for in all people i allow into my life, but that isn't the point of this entry. i dashed off several of the things that quickly came to mind, but one of them has become relevant to my life right now...consistency.
Given that a Dominant or Master is in charge in these relationships, he has the power to change rules anytime he wants whether it's because he sees something isn't working as is or just because he gets a wild hair to screw with his slave. It really is his choice.
The problem with creating lots of rules and then changing them willy-nilly or not enforcing them is that this inconsistency creates confusion and chaos within the slave. She has no stability...no foundation upon which to rely.
That's not the only problem, though. If it were, i guess someone could just tell her to "suck it up" and deal. The bigger problem i see here is that this inconsistent behavior on the part of the Master undermines his credibility. Eventually, the slave will stop trusting that his words and actions have any meaning, which will cause the entire relationship to falter.
Consistency... |
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I reconnected with my mentor today. I was going to contact him in a few days, after my head stopped reeling, but now I don't have to. Somehow, he feels when I need him, and he contacted me today. He welcomed me "home" with loving, firm arms after a fair amount of scolding for not getting in touch with him sooner and for having a naked neck. |
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I found out yesterday that someone I knew from here died the day after Christmas. I feel saddened by his passing, and I feel guilty knowing that he gave to me much more that I feel I gave in return. |
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i was recently asked to differentiate between a sub and a slave. i have written on this topic before, but that was several years ago. i hardly expect anyone to slog through the many many many pages of my journal to read thoughts that usually pertain only to me and my life. Anyway, i feel the answer is worth repeating in a new journal entry. These are my opinions and are not intended to sway anyone to my way of thinking. If you have a differing viewpoint, i'd be happy to hear it.
From my observations, a sub has like and dislikes as well as things they will do and won't do. She is basically in this lifestyle for what she can get out of it. Her enjoyment is derived from the actions that are performed on her with the express purpose of providing her pleasure. i in no way view this as a bad thing. If a sub is lucky she will hook up with a Dominant who enjoys the same activities as she, and they will live happily ever after in some form or fashion.
On the other side of the spectrum is the slave. She is in this for what she can give to others, most specifically the one who owns her. She doesn't use lists to categorize her pleasure because her pleasure is dependent on the likes and dislikes of the one who owns her and the pleasure he derives from his use of her.
i was once owned by someone who told me he wanted me to love soccer. i told him that i already loved it because it brought him such pleasure, and i truly meant it. He seemed to appreciate my answer and that was good enough for me. Watching soccer with him wasn't something to be endured, it was something to savor, and i don't need a checklist to tell me that...it's in my slave heart...it's who i am.
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On one hand, it saddens me to have to explain what the right kind of beating is as opposed to the wrong kind. On the other hand, it is better for people to ask rather than assume what i mean by my last journal entry.
To me, the right kind of beating is one that is done for the pleasure of the person of administering the beating...ideally, it would be the person who owns me. Because he would be deriving pleasure from the act of beating me, i, in turn, would derive pleasure from his pleasure. All would be right with the world, and everyone would be content.
The wrong kind of beating is one that is purely for punishment. The person who owns me would derive no pleasure from such a beating since that would mean his slave has done something that required such harsh corrective action, and i would get no pleasure from having been such a disappointment. There is nothing good in such a scenario. |
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i would rather beg enthusiastically for the right kind of beating than to earn the wrong kind in a bad way. |
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i don't know what it feels like to be lonely. Oh sure, i've certainly been alone...many times, in fact...for long periods of time, even. Being alone and feeling a sense of loneliness are, of course, two very different things, but they are somewhat intertwined. It's my opinion that until one feels comfortable being only in their own company, they will be susceptible to feelings of loneliness. i don't just tolerate times by myself, i relish them. i look forward to being home alone or going out alone. i never lack for things to do, nor do i ever stray from the parameters set for me by the One who owns me.
i haven't always embraced being alone. For a very long time, i was never alone. Then, life's circumstances forced me to spend time by myself. At first, i worried that i would get lonely or bored, but neither of those things happened. Perhaps, if i could ever turn off my brain, i would get bored. As it is, there never seems to be enough hours in the day to do all the things i want, and need, to get done, and it's not because i lack self discipline or the ability to organize my time wisely.
i suspect there aren't many people who want to spend their life alone. i hope those who are temporarily alone can somehow see that being alone doesn't mean they have to be lonely. You are limited only by your own imagination and willingness to adapt to your circumstances. |
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There are certain feelings that i've never personally experienced. Not having experienced them, i have a little difficulty understanding them when others talk about them. i sympathize as much as one possibly can without first-hand knowledge.
Jealousy is one such feeling. i've been on the receiving end of this particularly vile emotion, but i've not ever been jealous that i can remember. Jealousy has caused a lot of problems in some of my relationship. my ex-husband was so jealous that he drove me away. If i was five minutes late coming home from work, he wanted to know who i had fucked on my way home. i was constantly being punished for atrocities i had not committed, and it wasn't even a Master/slave relationship. i eventually felt that if i was going to do the "time", i should go ahead and do the "crime".
my ex-girlfriend was so jealous that she didn't even want me to talk to her husband outside of her presence. Never mind that he was my friend long before i had introduced the two and could have had him to myself many, many times over the years. Never mind that i had told her numerous times that i had no sexual interest in him whatsoever. The last time he and i talked she ended our relationship. He and i weren't even in the same state, let alone the same room when our conversation took place. i refused to tell her what we had discussed, so she hung up on me and has refused to talk to me since. How could i tell her that i spent three hours talking him out of leaving her? And it wasn't just her jealousy over him, she didn't want me to be with other women, either. Plus, any man i was ever intimate with to whom i introduced her, she went out of her way to have. Looking back over it all, i see how sick with jealousy she really was.
i don't get what made these two people in my life tick. i tried my best to appease them, and they certainly aren't the only jealous people i have encountered in my life. Heck, they aren't even ones in which i find the behavior so disturbing. It is the so-called Masters and Dominants who exhibit jealousy that concern me. Jealousy stems from insecurity, pure and simple. i don't see how someone who owns another person, someone to whom another human being is so completely devoted, can be jealous over that slave.
i don't understand jealousy, and i kind of hope i never do. At least not on such a personal level as someone who experiences it does, as i find it to be a most unsavory trait. |
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I tend to assume things. It's a very bad habit, and I've been working hard at breaking it. When you get in the habit of doing something, it's easy to not see that you're actually doing it. One of the ways I'm working on this is to really take time with my replies to the people with whom I have actual relationships and not spout off with the first thing that comes into my head.
One person with whom I have had a very long relationship calls me out on my assuming. I'm not sure he realizes how much I appreciate him staying on me about it, even though I do thank him, and I do apologize for lapsing back into the habit.
I used to not ever assume. I used to ask questions until I felt I had all the information I needed to make an informed decision and/or to act appropriately, whatever the case may be. Unfortunately, asking questions can also be frowned upon by some dominants. However, I feel it necessary sometimes to get clarity.
This is the point where I would usually say,"what's a girl to do?" The problem with that is too many people would assume that I'm actually looking for an answer to that question.
So, I think I'll just keeping working on this in my own way with, of course, the help of my very good friend who never hesitates to let me know I'm "slipping" in my efforts. |
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Communication is such an important component of a Master/slave relationship...of any relationship. I understand that the level of communication is often lopsided with the slave giving complete transparency to the Master and the Master giving the slave whatever he feels she should know. Communication is useless, though, if it's laced with inconsistencies or outright dishonesty. |
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I have addressed this in my journal before, but it was a couple of years ago. People would have to really go through my journal to find it, so I will revisit the topic again because I was asked about it in an email today...
I don't have sexual kinks and BDSM likes and dislikes listed on my profile because they don't matter. I'm a slave. I don't give much thought to my personal desires of that type. That which means the most to me is pleasing the person who owns me. If he's enjoying whatever activity he has chosen to engage in with me, the chances are pretty good that I will also enjoy it....perhaps not the actual activity so much as their enjoyment. The more pleasure he derives, the more turned on I will get.
I know this is a difficult concept for many on here to grasp, but that's okay. I don't need everyone to understand how it works. In the end, I need only one person to get it. |
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Today has been fairly fabulous. |
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Another dream about food last night. This one had a completely different tone. I wonder what it is I'm truly hungry for. |
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I had a dream about French fries last night. As a result, I've been craving them all day. In my dream, they were hot, crisp and salty. I resisted the urge to get some today. Part of the reason is because they just don't fit with my goals. The other part is I don't think they'd be as mouth watering good in person as they were in my dream. Maybe tonight I'll dream about a chocolate shake to go with those fries... |
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There's nothing like a trip to the toy store to brighten a girl's day :)
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Feeling like a ball of yarn in a room full of cats...just getting batted around by everyone. |
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Devotion....it's either there or it isn't. It doesn't just disappear because of a hiccup in the relationship. If it goes away so easily, chances are it wasn't real to begin with. It isn't easy, but so few things worthwhile are. |
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Trust is such a tricky thing. It can be strong, yet so fragile. You can trust some aspects of a person and not others. For instance, i would have easily trusted my ex-girlfriend with my dog, but i knew i couldn't trust her with any confidences. She tended to need to diminish me in front of others in order to feel superior. It took me a while to figure this out, and it would have been fine if she owned me and was doing this for humiliation purposes that were a part of our relationship. The fact is, though, despite what she wanted, i wasn't her slave.
Oops, sorry, got a little off track. Back to the topic at hand...
For me, it's imperative that i have complete trust in the One who owns me. Some people blow trust on the silliest things. They lie about their age or give a fake name or simply deny giving any details about themselves on the pretense that they're being mysterious. It's one thing to not just offer up information, but to dodge answering direct questions sends up all kinds of red flags.
None of this works for me, even though it may work for others. i know there are people who will say it doesn't matter if it works for me because i am, after all, a slave, and, as a slave, i fall on the unequal side of the relationship. The fact is, though, if i can't trust someone i will never be their slave, so while they think it shouldn't matter to me, it should matter to them.
Trusting someone completely could make a person feel vulnerable. They could have the rug pulled out from under them at any moment. i may have felt this way in the past, but i am increasingly finding something different going on with me. The more deeply i trust the One who owns me, the more secure i feel. This feeling of security strengthens my devotion and feels very freeing....free to be the slave He deserves. |
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i have been struggling with some things the last few weeks. The struggle isn't about being unsure of anything, nor is it about my broken foot. The struggle has had to do with going through a transition. For some reason, the struggle came to an abrupt end this morning. i felt a peace wash over me as all struggle dissipated.
i now feel calm and secure.
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What a wonderful day! Happy, happy, happy... |
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i had a bad morning. The frustration of being unable to do certain things caused a moment of weakness. Having to wear an AirCast boot for my broken foot makes everything take longer, and working out has been very limited. i exercise every day, but i have about three different workouts i'm able to do.
Good news from the surgeon this afternoon, though. my mood had already been evened out way before my appointment. my Mentor saw to that. At first, i thought He was just beating me up more than what i had already been doing to myself, but i could soon see that this wasn't the case. i am so grateful to Him. Mere words cannot express...
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Whenever I have to do something I don't really want to do, I like to get it done as soon, and as quickly, as possible. Sometimes, as soon as possible isn't quickly enough. |
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Sometimes, 'i'm sorry', while appropriate, is terribly inadequate. |
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Years ago I had to be punished by a dominant I was seeing who is a Master but did not own me. The punishment was pretty harsh, and the effects lingered for many days.
Shortly after the punishment, I was chatting with another dominant that I knew. He could tell something was different in my demeanor, and I told him about the punishment. I didn't give him details about what had been done or the degree to which I was punished. I merely told him that it occurred and for what reason.
What he said to me in response has stayed with me all these years. I haven't had to be punished many times, but, on the few occasions that it has happened, I think about his comments that day. He asked me if I had given any thought about what it does to a Master to have to punish a slave.
Up to that point, I had never given it a thought. I could say something blasé like all dominants, Masters or not, live for doling out punishment, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It has been my experience that real Masters want their slaves to succeed and even excel in all aspects of their servitude.
I don't want to speak for any Master. That's not my place. I can't even imagine how disappointing it must be to have to punish ones slave, especially if he had other plans for that time which he must now use for the purpose of corrective action.
I can take any punishment I have earned. I accept that it has to happen. I take my punishment, learn from it and move on. Worse than any punishment, though, is knowing that I have caused the One who owns me profound disappointment. That is what keeps me up at night... |
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I love treats. I like knowing that I have earned something special, and I especially like that Master thought enough of my behavior to award me with a treat. It doesn't even have to be something others might consider elaborate. A treat, such as an unexpected phone call, is enough to have me walking on air for a very long time.
It's sometimes difficult not to ask for a treat, but the satisfaction of earning one is much greater than that of having begged for one. Plus, begging for one does not guarantee it will happen. |
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Like most people, I tend to rush into things...or at least I try to, if someone doesn't stop me. Fortunately for me, there are several people in my life who have the wisdom to slow me down when I am blinded by infatuation.
Such has been the case for me lately. My life has been in turmoil for a while now as I grapple to find some stability. One person in particular keeps cautioning me to have patience which made me think about a previous Owner.
The second Master who owned me used to tell me,"Crawl, walk, run, pet." He was right. It is how we progress through the stages of mobility as a child, and it's an excellent metaphor for the speed at which a relationship such as Master/slave should develop. From now on, I will be keeping that in mind with one addition. It will be crawl, walk, run...then crawl again.
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When i was a little girl, i was afraid of Santa Claus. my dad was a firefighter, and a lot of our neighbors were firemen and policemen. One of the firemen would dress up like Santa and visit all the kids in the neighborhood. When he came to our house, i would hide in the bathtub, pulling the shower curtain closed. i also didn't like seeing him in any of my Christmas coloring books.
None of my siblings displayed this behavior. The more i think about my childhood, the more i think i must have been left on the doorstep as a baby. i am definitely the "odd one out" in my family. |
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I used to have a dog who was a little "off" in the head. One of his "things" was riding in the car. He would get so excited when he saw me get his seat-belt harness. He'd run to the door when I had my keys in my hand. I know he really wanted to go for a ride, however, once in the car, his anxieties would get the better of him. He would tremble and shake. I eventually stopped taking him for pleasure rides and limited him to short trips to the groomer and the vet. He liked the idea of a ride, but he just couldn't handle the actual ride itself.
What made me think of this is the flood of people who have come to CollarMe after reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" and its sequels. There are a lot of people who have created profiles with "fiftyshades" in the name, and they are probably just a small portion of the many who have flocked to the "alternative lifetyles" sites after reading those books. I'm sure some of them are veterans of BDSM or have at least dabbled in it a little before, but I imagine most of them are beginners.
I haven't read the books. I don't know if I will. I have read a lot of reviews. I saw the author's interview on Katie Couric's new show. I even watched an episode of Dr. Oz that was devoted to the book...well, I watched most of the show. And I've talked to friends who have read the books. It's really nice to have BDSM discussed in a light more positive than what is usually portrayed on crime shows and in the movies. For that alone, I appreciate the books.
I wonder, though, about the people who have decided to give this a try after reading those books. How many of them liked the idea but just couldn't handle the ride? |
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i wonder what it would be like to resist. The thought of being "forced" to do something has its appeal, but my natural inclination is to always be compliant. i don't think i could put up any resistance unless i was first given permission to do so, and, then, what would be the point? |
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What's on my mind lately? Well, clothespins, oddly enough. I haven't been on the receiving end of them in a very long time, so it seems strange that I'd be thinking about them so often these days. The thing is, though, that once you experience them, they never stray too far from the mind. They hurt going on. They hurt while in place. They hurt like hell coming off. The little bits of flesh upon which they were placed are tender for days after. They're definitely the gift that keeps on giving. |
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"Are you happy, dear?"
That was the question posed to me by a friend with whom i was chatting about a month ago. He asked it shortly after me telling him i was feeling a bit low at the moment, for various reasons. Without hesitation, i replied in the affirmative.
He then asked me why i was happy.
For many people, these questions seem difficult to answer. i barely even have to think to answer them, which is a bit refreshing since i tend to over-think most things. Every once in a while, his two questions (are you happy? and why?) will pop into my head. This morning is one such occasion.
i don't know why i am happy, other than it is the state in which i prefer to reside. It works for me. i'm not happy because any specific thing; mostly because i don't think 'things' can make one happy. i just choose to be this way.
i know plenty of people who never fail to look for the cloud inside the silver lining, and, frankly, they just wear me out. The tend to overly dramatize most of the events in their life. They look to others to provide their happiness. i usually find myself avoiding them, if possible. Maybe that helps maintain my happy demeanor. i look at them...see their attitudes...listen to their whining...it makes me all the more grateful to be who i am.
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It would be nice if people stopped using sub and slave as if they are interchangeable. They are two very different creatures. One is not better than the other, per se, but if you're looking for one don't try to substitute the other. It will only lead to frustration for both parties involved. |
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i can still feel his hand on the back of my head...pressing down...holding me in place as his other hand wields the implement that bites into the tender flesh on my ass and thighs...over and over again.
moments relived each day as the marks and bruises mature and blossom, then fade away... |
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Really having one those days. |
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A while back someone wrote to me and asked that i write about my first time in a dungeon. So, here it is:
i hadn't known about myself for very long when i was first contacted by Master J, in May 2000. i didn't have a lot of experience, and i made sure he knew that. He had more than 25 years as a pain-giving Master, so i thought he might be a good choice. He seemed to know what he wanted, and he had no trouble taking control.
We had a public meeting before he invited me to his dungeon. Before we parted ways at the first meeting, he informed me that he likely wouldn't have sex with me. i told him that was not a problem for me as my life doesn't revolve around sex.
i didn't make it to his house the first time i was invited, even though i had accepted the invitation. He kept changing things around about how i would get to his house. He lived in a guarded community in the North Georgia mountains. i happened to owned property in the community, so i assured him i would have no problem getting in and making my way to him. Still, things kept changing, and my imagination got the better of me. i had a minor panic attack less than a mile from my house and had to turn around.
i called him and explained what happened. He was very understanding, and we set a date for the next day. i had no problem the next day and showed up as directed.
i'm not sure what i expected, if anything, but he had a beautiful place with a very nice dungeon on the lower level. He had things that, to this day, i couldn't tell what their use entails.
He greeted me upstairs (on the first level), and we talked for a little while. i'm sure he did this to make certain i was at ease. After a bit, he led me downstairs and instructed me to undress.
As i was disrobing, he told me he wasn't going to give me a safe word to use this first time. He wanted the lines of communication to remain open, and i was to tell him if anything was amiss from my end. He checked with me throughout the session to make sure i was doing ok.
It turned out that he was my first real sadist. As anyone who has read my journal knows, i am not a fan of pain. Maybe my relationship with this man should have been my first clue as to the slave who was hidden deep within me, but i was not very knowledgeable about these things.
i don't remember specifically what he did to me that first night (i've slept a few times since then). i do remember that his not having sex with me didn't last through our first up close and private encounter. Perhaps when he told me that it was just to see what my real interests were. Maybe his "no sex" declaration dissolved when he saw how much pain i would take to please him. i never asked. It didn't seem pertinent to our relationship.
i saw him about once a week for nearly a year. i would get an email from him telling me when to show up and giving me directions as to what i should do upon arrival. He never did give me a safe word, and i never felt like i needed one with him. He may very well have shaped the slave i eventually evolved to be.
i feel that i was lucky to have had that time with him, although he did set the bar rather high for those who would follow him. He never lied to me. He never intentionally misled me. i always felt safe when i was with him, even though i knew he would cause great amounts pain and he would certainly mess with my head in the process. He never did get around to giving me a safe word on future visits, and i never felt like i needed one. He pushed me harder and further on each visit, but he never once came close to pushing me over the edge without a promise to bring me back. |
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There's something about the sound of a belt being pulled through the loops of a pair of jeans that makes me get squishy and squirmy. |
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i think my dog is in his terrible twos. He was a rescue, so i am not certain of his age. The vet's best guess was that he was around one year when i got him last February, but i think he was actually a little younger than that.
The reason i think he is in the terrible two phase is that he suddenly forgot all of his training and has become a bit willful. Now we are having to do remedial training. It takes such a long time because he just wants to play, and i don't want to break his spirit. He's very cute with his mohawk hairdo and his quirky little mannerisms, and i end up laughing more than doing anything else.
Just like human children, he is an angel in front of other people. He sits quietly and behaves himself, but as soon as it is the two of us, he turns into a little devil. Then my friends say they have no idea what i'm talking about when i relate stories of his impishness.
Then there are the times when he tries to be helpful. When he thinks it's time for me to take him for a walk, he starts bringing me things, like my socks and shoes. Well, usually just one shoe, and when i try to take the socks from him, he runs away with them in his tiny mouth.
Oh well, angel or devil, i love him!
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"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed." - Edgar Allan Poe
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Wow, the holiday season really is here. The Grinch was on last night, and tonight, Rudolph is on. While i'm not the biggest fan of the holiday season, i do like some aspects. i am a huge fan of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and always have been. i have often felt like i belong on the Island of Misfit Toys :) |
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There is a Dominant i used to see occasionally. i would go to him whenever he summoned me. Sometimes it was for his benefit, but there were a few times when he had me over to help me through some of my own tough times.
Over the years, his appetite for inflicting pain grew. He and i had a chat about pain one day. He said that he was surprised that i didn't take pain as well as he thought i would. i think he meant that i didn't enjoy it such as he imagined i would.
i asked him which he would rather have...a sub who loved pain to the point it barely fazed her...or a slave who hated pain but took as much as she could for his pleasure...a slave who would not only take his pain, but one who would beg for him to give her more pain so that she may please him even more.
i don't like pain. i can't think of a single time in my life when i have enjoyed pain. News flash, people...pain hurts!
Sure, i get wet and sexually excited when my Owner is inflicting pain, but it isn't the agony that causes my excitement. Along with the pain comes attention. Regardless of the manner in which the pain is delivered, i know my Owner's attention is focused solely on me. i know that he is enjoying what he's doing as much as he is enjoying my reaction to it. i also know that he enjoys my enthusiasm and desire to please him even more than my reactions. Knowing how much pleasure he is getting, coupled with being the center of his attention at that time, is all i need to crave his pain.
i asked that Dominant which he would rather have:
a.) A submissive who wants his pain but barely feels it...
or
b.) A slave who hates it but will take his pain and beg for more to please him.
i don't think his answer would surprise too many people.
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A long time ago i read the book "Sleeping With the Enemy." When reading the book, i often thought how wonderful it would be to disappear from my life and start over in a new place, far far away from my current life. i eventually got over that urge, but it returns now and then. It is here now.
(On a side note, the movie is not nearly as good as the book. Sorry, Ms. Roberts.) |
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Can this type of relationship be lived 24/7 while maintaining an existence in the vanilla world? I have seen it written in many profiles that it cannot, but I respectfully disagree with those who think this way. I think if you're creative enough, you can easily make this work.
I can speak only for myself, but being a slave isn't a persona I don when the mood suits me. It is who and what I am all the time. When I have a Master, I follow his rules and instructions all of the time, to the best of my ability, and not just when he is watching or talking to me.
I realize it is not feasible for a slave to wear a collar around her neck all of the time. This is where a little bit of creativity comes in. I have always thought a simple chain around the ankle would work just as well as a collar. To the Master and slave, it is a symbol of the depth of their relationship. To all others, it is a tasteful piece of jewelry. And, except in extreme cases, it never needs to be removed.
When owned, I have always had rules for my behavior, manner of dress, and at times what food I could eat, among other things, whether or not I was in the company of my Master. He didn't have to tell me every day how to be. If something arose that wasn't covered, I simply asked for direction.
It sort of reminds me of the military. All branches of the military have scads of rules and regulations governing the behavior of the their members. These regulations cover off-duty conduct, as well as how one should behave while in uniform. You aren't a military member only while in uniform, just as I am not a slave only when in shackles and chains.
In my opinion, we are what we are. Even now, unowned, I am a slave, albeit a very frustrated one. |
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I wonder if people ever view their own profiles after they set them up. I don't mean from the editing page. I mean, do they ever view it to see what others will see when their profile pops up on the screen? I honestly don't think many people do, otherwise there wouldn't be so many unreadable and barely readable profiles here.
Your profile is the first impression someone has of you. I understand about individuality and all, but black writing on a red background is very hard to read.
If you can't type out full words like 'to' and 'for' and 'you' then my first thought is you are just too lazy to be a real dominant or master of anything or anyone.
Also, they have a spellchecker on here, why don't people use it? |
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I recently read an essay by Joel Stein from Time magazine. He was addressing the whole Weiner-gate debacle from a few weeks ago. I would hope that most on here are familiar with this. U.S. Rep, Anthony Weiner sent photos of himself and his various body parts, however they were veiled, to women on Twitter, and he got "caught" in his "deviant" act. (Insert eye-roll here.) Whatever!
In his essay, Mr. Stein asked several women of his acquaintance if they would like to receive pictures of his personal areas. The overwhelming response was a big "no!" from the majority of women polled.
If only I had a specified amount of money for every picture of a man's penis I have received in just the last five years, I could easily retire :)
I am not sure why men think it is productive to send women pictures of their privates. Do they think we will respond with a picture of our own personal areas? I am sure that is a hope, but is it really expected?
After all of this with Weiner, and the various other celebrities who have been caught doing this in recent years, I have to wonder why men place such stock in the cock.
I can't even recount how often I am given the dimensions of a man's member. I'm not even sure most men know how to measure their own penis because it often does not seem to be the size it is proclaimed to be. I have gotten to the point where I want to bring a tape measure with me to find out for myself if they have inflated their stats.
This is my personal opinion: I don't want a picture of your penis. When we meet for the first time, I will have to identify you by your face, not your dick. That is what I want to see when I open an email with a photo attached. If your self worth is so wrapped up in your cock that you must show it to everyone, we probably are not a match anyway.
Shouldn't some things be left for in-the-moment discovery? |
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"So, how long have you been submissive?" is a commonly asked question.
"Well," I say, "I am a little over 48 years old, so I have been submissive a little over 48 years."
Perhaps the better question might be, "how long have you realized you are submissive?"
I don't know. I am pretty bad at asking questions myself. I try to be sure to ask the pertinent ones; the ones about age, location, and things of the sort. I may have to add one about currently being under indictment for any sort of white collar or criminal offense, if my suspicions about my last so-called Master turn out to be correct. (Last Master should not be confused with last Dominant I was unfortunate enough to rub up against.)
I realized I was submissive in the spring of 1998. That new knowledge explained so much of my previous 35 years to me. Not only that, but it completely changed the way I interacted with the rest of the world. I was happier than I had ever been. I became more confident in my personal life. (I had always been very confident in my professional life.) Everything just seemed so much better....until it became clear that I am not a submissive.
Let me be clear here, I am submissive, but I am not a submissive. There is definitely a difference between the two. I am, however, a slave, which is an entirely different thing than being a submissive. As a slave, I am submissive to my Owner (which I currently do not have). Other than that, I find it extremely difficult to just "play" the submissive role in a casual D/s situation.
Someone asked me once how I define the difference between a submissive and a slave. Without intending any disrespect to any submissives, this is how I view it:
A submissive is in it for what she can get. That is why they have lists of likes and dislikes, and of will do and won't do items. Again, no offense is intended. Submissives provide a valuable service to kinky men everywhere.
A slave is in it for what she can give. It is why I don't fill out checklists or the loves/likes/dislikes lists on here. My pleasure is derived directly from the pleasure I can provide to the other person, as long as there is a good mental connection. I guess my big requirement is that you have to get between my ears before you get between my legs (or lips).
I think too many people bandy about the two terms with no regard to the fact that there is a difference between the two. In nearly every profile I read, the dominant person is looking for a "sub/slave" to serve him. If he has no idea what to do with a slave, the relationship is doomed from the start. |
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I love a good quote, but I try not to use them too often. I just could not resist this one.
"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
- T.S. Eliot
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| Age: 33 |
| Charlottesville,
Virginia |
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