SimpleElegance

I'm heading north, taking more classes, always improving myself.

I will miss my desert, my mountain and the sun but it will welcome me back with open arms in the fall.  I am sorry to miss the monsoons this year!

Have a fabulous summer!!!

Im always interested in the people that contact me here.  Although I'm awkward around people face to face, I always try to engage in conversation with the people that email me.  I'm interested in the different personalities that roam this site.

I've met people that are here, feeling like an outsider, and trying to separate reality from fantasy.  So many, though, are only interested in the fantasy.  

That's not to say they don't find someone else interested in only the fantasy and together they make it a reality.  There's nothing wrong with that and, if it works for everyone involved, it's quite beautiful!

I just like to investigate the people.  My profile says friends only but no one is here to make friends, it seems, but me.  I have found some interesting people but, when they see I am serious about the friends only part, they fade away.  Since I don't chase, I still haven't found friends.  

I am always interested in the people that see D/s, M/s similar to the way I see it.  The dominants, rare as they are, and the submissive/slaves that can't see a separation from vanilla and lifestyle because they don't act, just are, awe me.  I love to read/watch the relationship work in a loving and healthy way.  

The control freaks (no dominant in my opinion) are interesting, all on their own.  Their personal struggle for control and power has it's own entertainment value.  I get a sick sort of pleasure from pushing at their edges just a little.  Since I don't feel them as dominant, I don't react to them the same as I do a dominant.  I don't have an overwhelming need to submit.  My instincts just don't kick in with control freaks.

Anyway, my musings were supposed to be about the personalities of people and I ended up on a tangent I hadn't meant.  

I simply wanted to say, I enjoy the differences in people here. The good, the bad and the plain insane, like me.  :)

I had an interesting conversation with someone about unconditional love.  I write a lot about loving someone and accepting them unconditionally.  I believe it.  I know it.

The idea was put into my brain that I didn't really love or accept anyone unconditionally but that I just choose those that won't cross any of my lines.  That we all have lines.

I have lines, yes.  Murder my dog and you are out the door.  But, will I stop loving you?  Will I ever forgive you?  Hmmm.  I know these answers but...Let me tell you a story.

When I was a teenager, I met my first love.  He was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I worshipped the ground he walked on.  Ok, ok...maybe not sliced bread but he was great.  We spent two great years learning each other and he taught me so much about life, adventure and, as it turns out, love. 

I don't remember telling him I loved him but I know I did.  I know, too, he loved me.  I don't remember him saying it, either.  We did decide, if we were still together after a certain amount of time we would marry.  

He was an honest person.  Too honest, some times; The stab you with a dagger kind of honesty.  He wasn't cruel, just didn't know how to lie.

One day, early in the morning, he came to my house looking like someone murdered his whole family.  I knew before opening the door he was going to tell me something awful.  He did.  He reached into my chest, slowly ripped my heart out and I couldn't do anything to stop him.  He was sorry.  He made a mistake.  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!

I was young, immature in so many ways, and I had been bruised many times in my very young life.  Trust didn't come easy and I gave it all freely to this man.

I don't remember what I said to him.  I don't know what happened for the next 6 months.  I just know I walked away.  I was numb.  

What I do remember is never saying a bad word about that amazing man.  I remember not allowing my friends to trash his good name.  I remember not being able to look at the pain in his eyes, because they reflected the pain in my heart.  

We bumped into each other over the years and I always felt drawn to him.  I still couldn't see bad in him.  I don't believe there is any.  He believes he is too dark to be loved. 

I continued to run from him but, mostly, I ran from myself because I still loved him with all my heart.  I didn't want to trust him.  I didn't want to put my heart in his hands.  I didn't want to be vulnerable to him ever again.

He crossed one of my personal hard lines.  I have a code.  I have written about my code time and again.  He crossed number one, four and five all in one moment of time.  

Why share this story?

Not once, after the first year, did I ever think of that situation with anything but disgust for myself.  *I* reacted wrong.  I didn't understand the beauty of the moment.  I didn't understand my feelings.  I was too immature to handle it. 

Now, I know the cynics will think I'm weak minded, a doormat, blah!  The truth is, I never stopped loving him and I forgave him almost immediately.  I accepted him as the man he is and it was my own personal failings that made me treat him with something less than unconditional love.  

I was capable of it even as a teen, just not for myself.  Now, I love and accept myself...UNCONDITIONALLY.  That makes giving it to others possible.

I will never love everyone that way, pass on that.

But I can and WILL love and accept unconditionally.

Luckily, I don't love easily!

I'm awkward

I'm shy

I'm quirky

I'm unique

I value love, honesty, integrity, respect.

I'm a healer

I'm a pleaser

I'm hedonistic

I love the outdoors, the sun and the desert.

I am alone but I like it that way.

I talk a lot but I am a horrible conversationalist.

I love deeply

I accept fully

I run fast

I hide well

Is unconditional love and acceptance really that rare?  Is transparency really that hard?

I don't know any other way that to fully accept and love someone.  How can you serve, if you are constantly looking for flaws and holding them against someone?  Wouldn't that make you a hypocrite?  We are ALL flawed.  Unless you are acting out your favorite erotica, the needs and desires are unique to you.  It is shaped by your past, your chemistry (when with someone) and your senses.

How can we judge another when we, too, are a "freak"?

When I am not transparent with someone I trust, it's because that person has taught me, though their lack of acceptance, to hide.  If someone even hints at not accepting a part of me, I suppress it.  Not very fair to myself, but there you go.

I am not "a submissive".  I don't role play or fantasize about it.  I am a pleaser, a giver, a healer, a lover.  I need to give those parts of myself to another person.  I need to encourage, enrich and improve the lives of people around me.  

Don't judge me for my actions and choices.  I do what I do so I can live with myself.  I have no regrets.  I am happy.  

Instead of worrying about me, look into yourself.  Look deep.  

I had so much fun last night!

You and I were talking about the future, making plans, looking for a place to buy.  Then later, in bed, I curled around your body and we talked for hours about everything and nothing.  

I touched your skin, inhaled your scent and listened to your voice rumble under my ear.  Our bodies fit together perfectly.  I was happy!

I woke this morning and wondered where that dream came from and where was that perfect man?

Maybe I should stop skipping dinner!

I find, everyday, waking in the desert magical.

Maybe it's simply years of living in the grey of the Northwest that makes it so incredible.  Will I ever wake to find it monotonous?

I am still house hunting (have I mentioned picky?) but already I have plans to leave.  I'm heading back up North for a month or two.  It's already time to be thinking/preparing for Burning Man and the new adventure before me.

I am scared, though.  It seems life, for me, is a study in solitude.  Or was that fear?  I can no longer tell.

It's easy to follow someone, it's much harder to make my own way.

One day, I will find someone that enriches my life.  Someone that wants me for all my uniqueness and accepts me...

Just as I am.

I stopped writing on my blog and already I miss it!  It is so hard for me to keep my thoughts, desires and cravings inside.

My ideas of trust, service and love seem to be foreign no matter where I write!  

I wonder where passion, before or without sex, went?

I wonder where love, without drama or games, is?

I wonder why desire and craving has to mean something physical to people.

My understanding of a D/s relationship has no props (well...maybe sometimes :P), no defined rules, and doesn't come with a manual.

Is it so wrong to see the relationship between two people (or more) evolve into something beautiful that is tailor made for just that relationship?  That what is deep between them IS the definition? 

Service isn't an act.

Submission isn't a gift.

Trust isn't given.

Service is deep inside someone, a constant need to care for and please.

Submission is inspired by a Dominant person, not forced or begged for.

Trust is earned.

I've not, yet, settled into my desert but I love every day here!  My tickets are now bought for Burning Man and I can go back to focusing on classes.  I've learned so much about energy healing this last year!  I hope to visit Peru next year and learn from a sacred place.

I will be so lucky when I find the right person to share my energy with!

I hope, one day, to find someone that will understand and appreciate my gifts.  I am not so cut and dry as the mainstream talents.  My gifts are subtle but strong.  My talent is...I have none.  I am simply me, nothing extraordinary, nothing obvious.

Plain Jane that can heal, can soothe, can lift.  Yep, ordinary!

I think we all have the ability, most just never tap into it.  I'm not sure why, the wrong place and time?  Their journey hasn't reached this point, yet?  

Whatever the case, I believe everyone reaches this point some "time".

Now, can I just find a man that will walk this path with me?  Someone that will allow me to be me, while devoting myself to him.

Love

Devotion

Acceptance

Healing

I get the silliest hate mail.  I would love to say it doesn't bother me but that would be a lie.  It rattles me, at least for a minute or two.  Then I remember...

Just because I am alone doesn't mean no one wants me.  

Just because I'm picky doesn't mean I'm ugly or psycho.

I don't understand this need to be with anyone just to avoid being alone.

I've settled before, it didn't increase my happiness.  Most of the time, it decreased it.  

Is it so unusual to find a healthy person here that people don't believe?  Are service types that rare?  Is the community simply full of broken people in need of something to help them feel?

I don't think so.  I have met some fabulous people in the community.  I think, more and more, this place is filling with people that simply want to abuse someone to make them feel better.  

It's sad, really, when you open your eyes and see the beauty and the incredible gift this sort of relationship can bring to your life.  How intense and intimate two (or more) can be together.

Why would you want something less than that just to be with anyone?  I want to be with SOMEONE...not just anyone.

Call me crazy...LOL

I guess, I don't mind

So many people ask me about being a submissive.

I'm not A submissive.  I am submissive, yes, but I am so much more than that label can ever mean.  

I am opinionated.  I don't mind sharing my thoughts and, some times, I have trouble keeping them to myself.  

I am a healer and caring for others is a must.

I am a hedonist and I will get lost in pleasures and forget all else.

I am a woman that loves to drive fast cars and can find total happiness in a good car.

I am so many things.

If you want to place a label on me...

I am a counterbalance.  I am what is needed at any given time.  

The relationship between an Alpha and a counterbalance (or any relationship) is simple...

Trust, Trust, Trust.

I trust you with my mind.  I trust you with my heart.  I trust you with my secrets.  I trust you with my body.  I trust you with my life.  

That trust isn't given, it's earned.  

I will earn yours, too.

If I don't seem submissive to you, don't look at me, look at yourself.  Look at what you really need.  I don't play a part from a script.  I AM a counterbalance.  

There is a special moment when one willingly submits to another.  They are saying, I trust you.

When that trusted one, takes the lead, they are acknowledging the worthiness of that trust.

When that trusted person puts a ring on a finger, a collar around a neck or any other sign of commitment, they are saying back…

I trust you, too.

We talk a lot about love but, sometimes, I think trust is more powerful and harder to give.

"I trust you with my heart."  "I trust you with my secrets."  "I trust you with my life."

How often do we earn or give that amount of trust?

We expect it.  Some people demand it.  How many really earn it?  How many really give it?

I love you is easy.

I trust you is not.

Do you know how fulfilling it is to earn your respect, trust and love?

People talk about those things in regards to the Dominant but doesn't he respect her, trust her and, then, love her?

To be the counterbalance, whatever you need at that moment...

There is no greater joy in the world.  

I read service type journals and it's about what she/he wants from a Dominant.  What his/her limits are, what their kinks are and what a Dominant needs to do for them.  

I've even written about what I need in a Dominant.  The give and take between two people.  It's not all "I give, you take".  It can't be.  We (s-types) aren't infinite wells of love, service and compassion.  That well needs to be fed or we just shrivel up.  I know, I've been there many times.

For me, though, giving is not about how I feel or what I get in return.  I am a true counterbalance.  If you are angry, I need to calm.  If you are sad, I need to comfort.  If you are aggressive, I need to submit.  It is who I am.  It is what instinct tells me to do.  

The honor of serving someone worthy is a dream come true.

It's also rare.

I am not here for one night stands, play dates or anything casual.  I take my friends seriously, and my lovers deep into me.  I am passionate about most things I do.

I am the counterbalance.

I am not humble, although I wish I were.

I am not selfless, but I wish I could be.

I am not pretty and that's ok.

I am a bit of a snob.  I don't mean to be but it's true.  I know what I like, but I'm willing to try new things.  I take the time to know myself; I am ever changing.  

I like fast cars.  I love to drive them hard.  I love books that move the reader and carry them on a journey.  I love music that speaks to the listener.  I love animals, but not in a creepy way.  I love to watch people, imagine their story.  I love the sun, nature and all the beauty Mother Nature has given us.  

I believe everything in life should be earned.  Money, Respect, Trust, Love.  I believe helping others is only natural.  

When I pass someone on the street and eye contact is made, I smile.  If I am sitting in traffic and someone lets me into their lane, I thank them with a wave (even if I force my way in).  I thank someone when they do something for me, even if it's their job.  

I believe everyone deserves kindness, until proven otherwise.  I believe, if kindness isn't deserved, nothing is.  No hatred, no cruelty.

I truly believe, "How others treat you is their Karma.  How you react is yours."

Be kind.  Think positive.  Love.

The new year is here and with it a new beginning.  

I wish you a year of...

Discovery

Adventure

Laughter

Joy

Peace

Lust

Music

Art

Love

Acceptance

Happy New Year!!!

SimpleElegance

My words for today...

Hope

Love

Devotion

Peace

Beauty

Passion

Yes, that's what matters today.

I don't really belong here.  I think I might have, at one time, but that time is gone.  What I crave is so much more than what most people seem to be looking for here.  Someone will start what seems to be an intelligent conversation and before I can even blink, it turns to sexual innuendos, sarcasm and nothing else.

I try to tell people right off I am looking for friends (without benefits) only, but one line of flirtation, which is just me being me, and all is lost.  SEX, SEX, SEX.

I know this is a BDSM site but D/s, to me, is about the bond, the trust, between a Dominant and his/her girl/boy.  To me, sex is the cherry on top, not the foundation.

Too, I have no desire, even if I was looking, to jump into a relationship right away.  It takes time for me to trust.  It takes time for me to adjust to someone.  I would rather know someone before I…I don't know.

I guess,

I don't really belong here.

Lead me to the end of the world

Take me to the edge

Push me over the side, if you want

I will obey

Lead me to the other side of the Earth

Take me to new heights

Push me to the ground, if you desire

I will surrender

Lead me to my grave

Take me to the other side

Push me through time, if you will

I will still be yours

The stars greet me as I open my eyes.  None falling, yet, but I'm still hopeful. 
The sky hasn't even begun to lighten, darkness still rules.
The stillness wraps around me, my personal armor.
In the calm and quiet, I think of you.

Where will we go, as I daydream?
Where will my imagination take us?
What new adventure will I dream up?
What boundaries will we push?

Take me into your arms, hold me tight.
Kiss my lips.
Strip me, bare my soul.
Take my heart, keep it safe and warm.
Own my life, it is yours.

The energy is strong here.  I feel it all around me.  I'm scared but energized.  I don't feel so alone, now, even though I am more alone than I've been in years.  I will be glad when I get settled in and start to make a life here.  Right now, I just feel in Limbo. 
I feel the mountains calling me but I'm not prepared for their message or their comfort.  I feel the need to suffer, to punish myself.  I'm not sure why.  It feels right, though.
I crave writing but this little device just doesn't make it easy.  I want to just let the words flow, rather than slowly typing them out. 
My life has changed so much in one year, I've changed.  My needs, desires and wishes have not.  I crave...
Truth
Bond
Strength
Unconditional love
Acceptance
Laughter

I still feel a need to submit.  A need to be with someone stronger, smarter, more...better.  Will I be enough?  Will I give enough?  Will I offer enough of a challenge and still offer peace and comfort?  Will I still be the counterbalance?  I will never again be the independent person I once was.  I'm needy, quirky, and a bit insane.  I want to laugh hard, love passionately and bond completely.  Do I ask for too much?
Can I simply have the world in its simplest ways?

He looks deep into her eyes but he doesn't see.
He touches her but he doesn't feel.
She tells him but he doesn't hear.
She kneels before him but he doesn't understand.

Her soul is his for the taking.
His touch awakens an insatiable hunger.
Pleasing him is air to her lungs.
Her devotion is eternal.

Do you understand how completely I want you?

Do you know what it is about you that draws me in?

Do you not see how amazing you are?

Do you not see how much I need you?

Please, let me spend my life showing you.

Each day, laughter shared draws me in more.

Every caress, touches me deeper.

I wrap myself around you.

You wrap yourself around my world.

Bind me tighter.

Give me breath.

Love me completely.

I will give you my soul.

(I don't know why this doesn't flow right but since there's no draft save...please keep in mind.)

I love the energy of the desert!  I love the colors, the sounds, the smells.

I love the feel.

There is an untamed presence that speaks to me.  

Wild and free.

I have truly enjoyed writing here, meeting great people and being close to friends but it's time for me to focus on my studies and journey.  I am not deleting my profile, I hope to be back to write again some day but, for now, I will hide it.

The truth...

That's all I want with you.

My truth, your truth.

Make it ours.

I feel you in my soul.

Can you feel me in yours?

I want to wrap myself around you, show you how incredible you are.

I want to show you my world.

When you touch me, you touch all of me.

If I gave you my heart, would you take it?

Would you give me yours?

I close my eyes and touch you, feel you, taste you, smell you.

I know you.  I know all of you.

I always have.

I always will.

I love the race track!  I love the vibrations and the power.  I love the smells.  

I cannot explain the thrill I get when a Corvette or Porsche goes rumbling by.  Even the Miata's and BMW's.  

I miss driving!  It's like a little hole in my heart.  

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Darkness surrounds

Primal

Feathered touches, thorns bite

Passion

Turbulence

World tipped

Heat

Some days, dreams are better.

I cannot describe the depth of feeling I have for you.

There are no words.

This is not love.

This goes far beyond.

The desire to worship the man you are.

I stand in awe of you.

I kneel before you.

I honor you.

I'm so very glad to know I will see sun today!  Being outside, warm and grounded keeps me strong.  

So many changes are coming to my life but the biggest one is people.  I am slowly moving people around me.  Like-minded used to simply mean people in the D/s, M/s life.  Now, it means that and people that can see beyond what their eyes tell them.  People that are open to life and all it is.  People that can understand themselves and know their mirrors.  People that move forward, even while falling back.  

My path isn't a black and white path.  My path is full of color and change.  It will always be changing, like the seasons.  No good, no bad, just life.

Do you think it's possible to find someone that will want a woman that cannot fit in a box, cannot play within normal lines and sees far beyond normal?

Do you think someone can find what they are looking for in me?

Do you think someone see the value in me and want me for their own?

What will the Universe bring?

Who will I balance?

Who can i ground?

You light a spark in me; you always have.

You inspire a passion for life, living.

Without a word, you put ideas in my head.

I want to please you like no other.

I want to be a better person, to mirror you.

Just to be in your presence is an honor.

To be allowed to come closer would be a dream come true!

I will never fully deserve you.

I can never be enough.

So much news coming to me in so many different directions.  So much to knock me back.  I have not faded away, just trying to find my foothold.

Like a magnet, I am pulled to you by your eyes, your presence.

Your mouth, a simple smirk, makes my knees weak.

Your touch, so light, touches my soul.

You move me.

I can't think straight.

My legs hold me still.

My hands cling.

My heart beats hard.

You.

I crave pouring my passion into this journal but, at the same time, I have no desire to share with EVERYONE.  I miss that unique bond with one person that goes beyond what most people understand.  I miss being transparent.  I miss seeing more.  

My passion runs hot and my desire to give is rising.  I feel like I will explode soon.

A slow walk to incredible intimacy...

Carefully, he laid her head on the pillow.  He had exhausted her but this was just another part of their time together.  He cared for her in all ways.  

Running his fingers through her hair, he gently pressed his lips to her forehead.  

He grabbed a bottle of water and wrapped her fingers around it, urging her to sip some.  She would be fatigued tomorrow but the water would help her keep from dehydrating.

Lying next to her, he pulled her close to him.  

His

No matter where they go in life, she will always be secure in that knowledge.

I am amazed by the misogyny here.  

I look for strength and I find masked insecurity.

I look for control and I find violence.

I look for connection and I find fear.

I look for love...

How beautiful the man is that controls himself first, respects others and sees a treasure in the one he takes into his hands and cares for. 

How amazing is the man that is worthy of worship, walks with honor and loves without fear?

How grand it is when I see one of those rare gems!

I knew the moment I looked into her eyes.  I knew we were kindred spirits.  I knew the moment I touched her, she was special.

I didn't understand the impact she would have on me or my life; I simply took what she gave and gave back, as I could.

I don't know if I showed her how grateful I was through the years but I hope I made it clear her last days.

She was my soul's mirror.  We knew each other because we had shared time before. We were the same, she and I.  Even her last days were spent trying to comfort me, while I tried to comfort her.  Her spirit was strong, her heart was great and intuition was amazing.

I will follow in her footsteps and treasure all she taught me.

As I sit and listen to the fountain, I remember days gone by.  I think fondly of the people that have touched my life and helped shape me.

I will not dwell on the mistakes I have made, I will do my best not to repeat them.

I will not wish to have back the people who left, I will honor the time they were here.

I will not cry for the things I have not had, I will be grateful for what I do have.

As I sit here and listen to the birds sing, I will enjoy this moment in time.  I will make the most of the life I've been given.  

I will give to those that will be grateful.

I will love those that love unconditionally.

I will obey those that first control themselves.

I will be open to all Fate sets on my path.

I will say yes to the Universe.

I touch your feet, my energy flowing through you.  

Slowly, my hands smooth over your shins, feel your calves.  I rest at your knees, letting relaxation and peace flow over you.  

Over your thighs, taking the day's stress.  Resting on your hips, I soothe you with my voice.  

Is it hard to let me do this?  Do you want to take control?

Over your abs, sides and pecs, just absorbing the weight of life.  

Down your arms, sending comfort into your muscles.

I rest at your neck, my hands covering it.  I watch your face as I feel the pulse slow to a steady pace.  

Into your hair, I smooth, letting the rest of the stress just flow out of you.

I lean in and taste your lips...

Yes, it would be nice to have someone to worship.

I reach for your hand...

Caring

I taste your lips...

Passion

I kneel before you...

Honor

I pleasure you...

Worship

I heal you...

Love

You don't need to give me your words, I already know.

So much time has past. ?If it was, it would be.

Don't blame me for knowing the truth, following it.

Please don't look at me for a betrayal, that's in your own heart.

My path continues forward, never stuck.

When I touch you, do you feel my hands or do you feel my soul?  

When you open your eyes to me, do you see my pretty package or the beauty and kindness that runs so deep?

When you kiss me, are you kissing me or a ghost from your past?

When you restrain me, is it for you, for me or for us?

When you say, "I love you" is it from your mind or from your heart?

When I kneel at your feet and honor you, do you understand why?

When I submit, can you see my heart?

I am an open book to anyone I connect with.  I cannot see any other way.  It is my truth, my path.  If you don't know your truth or cannot speak it, please pass by my door.  I don't think my heart can take another life of untruths. 

I see clearly

I love cleanly

I submit fully

Vegas truly never sleeps...even when you want to.  Back on the road.

My time here in my desert is almost over.  I hate to say goodbye but I know I will be back.  

I am excited to get back to school!  I have so many new ideas to take home.  

It's funny, I think a lot in my desert.  I think about me, my life and my goals.  I think about my needs, my tastes and my desires.  

I felt bad writing my journal about being ready but, you know what?...How can I feel bad about someone else's choices?  Why would I even think to take any responsibility for things I never had control over?  Why would I let one moment of truth stay off these pages simply because I was not good enough for someone?  

My time to shine will come.  

Warmth touches the skin

The breeze brings fresh scents

A new picture added

Doors opening and closing

Life is always an adventure

Baggage.  

I think everyone over 25 has baggage.  I think the difference in people is...Do you carry your baggage or do you expect others to do it for you?

I carry my own bags.  I clean them out often, reorganize them and leave whatever behind I can.  

That baggage so many talk about is part of what shapes you.  How will you allow it to shape you?

Positive, positive, positive.

One of my most favorite lines is:

"You win some, you learn some!"  

The lesson and how you apply it to your life is all that matters.  If you see it as negative or bad, it will be.  

Accept

Forgive

Heal

Love

Who am I and why am I here?

I hear those questions so often.  I would think a moment in my journal would tell all.  Maybe not.

I am not the woman that started this journal so many pages ago.  I am not even close to that same person.  

Who am I?  I am me, first and foremost.  I never try to pretend to be someone I am not.  I don't see any reason to cheat myself, and those I encounter.  Why?  I am a complicated mix of contradictions.  I love the feel of rope on my skin but I'm claustrophobic.  I love powerful dominant men but I tend to run from them out of fear.  I love safe and quiet but I need the edges.  I love with my soul but I struggle to let someone close.  I crave being owned but I am happy being on my own.

Why am I here?

It started out being a place I could watch others, read journals and write.  To pour my pain and cravings into a journal that would only be read by people that MIGHT understand.  

Now, I am ready.  I am ready to open myself to others.  I am ready to wander through the world open to those that fit me.  I am ready to love.  I am ready to live.  I am ready to serve again.  

I will never say I am completely sane.  LOL  Really, who is anymore.  Actually, what is sanity?  I don't want perfect.  I don't want easy.  I don't want some "let's pretend we are this."  No.  I don't want to play games.  I am the lady next door and the girl at the store with the flirty eyes.  I am me everywhere I go.

I am ready but I am not ready to be something I am not.  I want someone that gives me their truth and accepts mine.  I am messy, at times.  I am wild.  I am quiet and I'm loud.  

Balance.

Passion

Truth

Love

Mix in some Massive Attack and Zero 7.

Okay, maybe I don't belong here, after all.

Sitting here, listening to the fountain and the birds, feeling the warm breeze on my skin, I feel a peace come over me.  

I find joy in so many things.  

A scent on the wind.

The feel of a soft blanket.

A whispered praise.

A juicy strawberry, bursting flavor on the tongue.

A warm hug.

The touch of a hand.

I treasure each sensation, each pleasure, wherever I find it.  I love touch, sounds, smells.  I love beauty, even when others see something ugly.  

My desert always makes me wish I could share the pleasures with someone.  The beauty, the danger, the raw power, the wild and the sacred.  I wish I could dance on the wind in the arms of a lover and know he will watch over me and keep me safe.

I would love to walk him to the sacred place, strip him down and learn every inch of him, every bit of his soul in natures light.

I long for a time I can spend these warm peaceful days laughing, living and loving.

To find someone that can treasure this beautiful place as much as I do.  To lay naked in the evenings staring up at the sky whispering our dreams to the stars.

Man, this place makes me feel like the little girl I never really had a chance to be.  A dreamer, a singer, a writer...a lover.

I sat down to write this morning before my laptop continued it's journey into it's grave.  The topic that brought me here had to be deleted.  It's a very hard change throwing away negative thoughts.  Not that I am prone to many but...

Our thoughts are more powerful than we sometimes realize.  We use them to push ourselves, to validate our actions and to punish.  We judge others, ignoring our hypocrisies without anyone else knowing. 

I am on a mission to simply cut out the negative thoughts.  I don't expect to do it overnight but...

I want to heal others with love, compassion and understanding.  I will always see people as they are but I want to focus on the good and heal the bad. 

If I am lucky enough to be owned again, when I give him everything, I want it to be a pleasure not a burden.

I have no reason NOT to spend this time healing old wounds and making myself a better person, for me...for him.

I am not all that damaged but I have lived a lifetime with negative thoughts.  Punishments, to myself, for not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. 

I am good.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

What am I looking for?

I keep hearing this question and I have to laugh.

When I was younger, I could list everything I wanted in a man, a relationship and in life. I could give details but I didn't really have a clue.

I got pretty close to what I wanted. I controlled the relationships, my life...everything but sex. OK, I tried to control that, too. Just not in a dominant way. If any one of those relationship were D/s, you could say I topped from the bottom.

I was NEVER happy. I figured it was OK. After all, I was broken. I was unable to love and unable to experience earth shattering sex. Broken.

What am I looking for?

There is no list. There is no black and white picture of a man, a relationship or a life. I don't know because I don't get to pick (I found this out by accident).

It isn't a list that draws me in. It's presence.

So, next time you think of asking me what I am looking for...

Try actually taking the time to LOOK at me and SEE who I am and what I feel.

Power.

Strength.

Control.

To me, there is a huge difference between a dominant man and a control freak. Now, a dominant man can be a control freak but he is still NOT one.

I have found, control freaks need to control more from insecurities than anything else. Maybe a lack of control as a child or in other areas of life. Maybe simply from low self-esteem or lack of confidence.

Dominant men, seem to have confidence in spades. They don't need to micromanage because they KNOW they have control. They give us enough rope to hang ourselves with and sit back to watch like we are simply there for their amusement. "They play with their food." They seem to have never-ending patience, some times to a frustrating fault!

Power

Strength

Control

I love tall, professional, dominant men.  LOVE THEM!  Now, that doesn't mean I want to be owned by all of them but I love to look.  Tall, powerful men carry themselves differently. 

Like the cat playing with a mouse, they play with their food.  They poke and prod, searching out all our dark corners.  They learn all they need to know. 

They take without apologies.  They want what they want and they want it NOW.  Even so, they are usually patient enough to wait out all problems and insecurities.  Is it patience or confidence?  A bit of both?

I read a lot!  I read all kinds of genres but erotica is the genre I want more from.  Not more stories but more...

I read male authors and there is little to no heart in their erotica.  I read female authors but their dominants are too...

Soft?  Romantic?  Unreal? 

I know it's what MOST women want but I find myself disconnecting with the stories half way through because, what started out as a great dominant, has turned into a romantic version of reality. 

I don't want dominants without kindness or heart.  No, I want realistic dominants. 

Are there any authors out there that actually stick to the truth? 

A quiet day.  Too quiet. 

I wrote a lot but it was just nonsense.  I feel a loss today but I am not sure what the loss is. 

The dance is too complicated at times.  Some days, I simply wish...

I wish to serve.

I wish to worship.

I wish to care.

I wish to love.

I wish to make proud.

I wish to earn respect.

I want to guide, to help, to please.  I want to make life easier, happier. 

It all comes with a price, though.  Can I afford it? 

Trust.

Beethoven is back to rolling around in my brain, playing his dark, passionate music.  I don't know why, when I first come back from my desert, he always starts playing.  I crave classical music more.  Haunting, passionate, dark music.  Maybe it speaks to the loneliness of this cold dark state?  Maybe it just fits my feelings about being here. 

Tonight, a glass of wine and some haunting tunes are on the menu. 

I'm off to Canada this morning.  An icy drive.  No warm condo to visit.  No inviting pub.  Not for me, no.  I have the great privilege of sitting on a cold boat in dry storage.  YEA!

Wish me luck.  Pray I don't freeze to death.

BC...

:P

Dreamwalker, please help me!

My dreams are full of Great Serpents wrapping around me.

Of Jaguars and Hummingbirds, whispering to me.

Please, Dreamwalker, tell me I am still sane.

Of Eagles soaring, nature swaying and the Sun and Moon watching over me.

I laugh, I cry, I suffer greatly.

Oh, Dreamwalker, give me a little peace.

"The slug" She teases him, a long running joke about his choice of cars.

He opens the door, a warm warning in his eyes.

She slides into the car and waits. She is a bit nervous this evening. He has allowed her to choose the date. She knows it's only partially her choice. It could, and probably will, change at any moment.

The walk into the play house together like any other couple. His hand on her lower back, they proceed to the bar. She leans in close and whispers to him, "I have nothing on under my dress."

She hears his sharp intake of breath. She knows this excites him. She is his, in private, in public. His to tease, his to take, his to care for.

He hands her his glass. No glass for her. She will only share his, and only as much as he wants. No matter the pretense, he is still in control.

They make their way to their seats. He waits for her to be seated, watching. She knows he catches a peek of something as she sits.

The lights fade and the play begins.

She feels his hand on her thigh, sliding closer. She knows how this evening will go. She loves this play but she doubts she will be able to focus on it.

When he placed his collar on her neck, life changed for her. She reaches up and feels the delicate collar and feels her heart swell. Anyone that looks will know. She is owned.

As the passion from the actors rolls over her, so does the pleasures his hand is giving her. She no longer cares if people suspect anything. He is careful and she is his.

Nothing else matters but that.

She is his.

I hope I have found my place in the world, finally. 

I start classes for a new career.  I hope to give back to a community that has given me so much but, too, needs healing, comfort and guidance.  I hope to use my gifts, my experiences and this new knowledge to give back to the world in a positive way.  To leave a little piece of myself at the end of my life. 

I hope to find, at the end, that I made life a little better for those I've touched!

There is so much a service type can give to the world.  We can be rewarded by helping others, not just our dominants. 

Thank you, to my friends, for encouraging me and helping me see the strength within myself.  I wouldn't be able to do this without you!!!

A special thank you to my belle for believing and helping me believe, too.  You have always been the light alongside my path.  Your guidance, your friendship and your love have touched me in ways I never thought possible.

I know I write a lot about a love I once had. I suppose I hold on because, it's a great excuse not to move on. I use it as a wall to keep others just outside.

Also, as much as I pretend to be strong and independent, I am scared. As long as the idea of him is there, I feel safe. I feel tethered. I don't feel quite so alone.

It is not easy being a service type. It's even harder being one on your own. I worry all the time about everything.

I used to think I was weak for feeling this way. I no longer think it's weakness. I think, instead, I was put here for another purpose. I am here to care, serve, worship, ease. I am meant to embed myself in someone.

When I think about being with someone, I don't think about the things he could do for me. I think about all the ways I could make things easier, better for him. THAT makes me happy.

Sadly, it means I fall prey to the wrong sorts. People take advantage of me because it feels so good, at first. To serve and please thrills me. Soon, though, I find that I'm all used up. The well is NOT never-ending.

I need balance.

I keep a wall up to keep from being taken advantage of but that leaves me...

Empty and alone.

As I continue to better myself, I wonder if I will ever find the strength to let go and just be adrift. Will I be brave enough to take the steps that will lead me to a new path?

Yes, I am scared. Does that make me weak or just...smart?

I sat down to write something tender and soft but my mind is all jumbled with...well, I guess a pity party.

Someone mentioned how wonderful of a person I was.  In fact, he went on and on about my qualities.  Since it was from someone high above my station, it should have made me feel great but, instead, it left me cold.

I wonder, if my qualities are so great, why am I alone?  I am not self-centered enough to say it's not me.  Of course it is.  Why else would I be good enough for friendship, good enough for casual relationships but NOT good enough to reach for? 

Of course, my taste in men might have something to do with it.  Oh yes.  I am not easy.  I pick complicated, self controlled, strong and independent professional men.  Men that demand high standards from their girls.  Men that claim to value my qualities and me but...

But what???

Talk is cheap and I'm so tired of hearing BS.  It IS BS, by the way.  IF it was anything else...

Well, you guys are smart and know the answer.

Actions speak louder than words and in my life, actions are all that matter now.

Say what you want, just don't expect me to fall to my knees just over pretty words.

I have high standards, too.  If I spend my life alone because I refuse to settle for what I deserve...

I will spend that time alone trying to be worthy of more.

He sees her across the crowded room.  She stands off from others, holding herself.  She watches but doesn't make eye contact. 

He tries to capture her eyes, to reassure, to invite.  She doesn't play along.

He slowly moves toward her.  Stalking.

He sees her innocence, her openness.  These are qualities he cherishes.  Her shyness, he thinks, would disappear with protection, security.

Finally, she notices him.  He tries not to spook her but she starts to move away, move into the shadows.  She is trying to disappear. 

He smiles to himself.  She just made the fatal mistake.  The prey runs, the predator hunts. 

He knows he must go slow with this scared little creature.  He moves past her, seemingly ignoring her.  He can sense her relaxing. 

Yes, slowly.

He will take his time, set the trap.

She will be worth it.

It's been a long time since he enjoyed the hunt.

Being hedonistic, I tend to live more in the moment than planning my future.  Because of that, I never thought I would be sitting here so alone this far into life. 

I've made so many mistakes when it's come to my love life.  For so long, I didn't think I was capable of feeling that way about another person.  I thought I was broken.  I didn't realize my needs were different from normal societies expectations for relationships. 

Weddings, white dresses and name changes made me want to run for the hills.  It was never something I wanted. 

I wanted more.  I wanted something intense, something raw...

I wanted this.

Trust is hard for me.  Trusting another to accept all of me, to protect me and to keep my safety forefront of their mind is not something I can do.  I've only given myself to one person that way.  I will never regret it but...

He was such an unusual person.  Soft and cold.  Strong but gentle.  He took what he wanted but never without purpose.  It wasn't always for me to know that purpose but he shared enough with me that I could see it when he didn't.  He treated me like his slave, his friend and his lover.  He treated me as more than just a single object.  He gave me purpose.  He played with my mind, my body and my soul.  He took, he gave. 

Now, as my life changes again, I wonder...

Will I be able to see past the pleasures of the moment to make the right decisions for my future?  Will I ever find someone, again, that holds MY needs as important as his?  Will I ever find someone that is willing to go as far as I am for...

For each other.

I normally wont comment on emails I receive but, anyone that reads my journal will know I do, at times, respond.

I thought I would respond to two.

"Why isn't love one of your goals this year?"

Why, indeed.

Love and I haven't seen eye to eye. I have learned not to expect to find, feel or see love. I think it's best to focus on other goals. If love finds me again...

I'm just not going to sit here holding my breath. There are too many other things to worry about.

Now, for the rude comment about being ugly. I just had to laugh! If the outer package is all you see when you value a person...

You are missing out on the best parts of a person! The mind and they way it works. The little quirks in a persons personality. The warm giving heart.

If all that matters is the skin...

[Deletes]

Maybe someday you will understand.

"My Life's Map"

I used to fret over scars, wrinkles, spots. I saw them as a flaw, something the camera grabbed hold of and threw in your face!

One day, I found myself talking with my young son about his new stitches under his chin. I explained that MOST people ended up with a scar there. Just part of living. He asked me how I got the scar and before long, we were laughing about all the silly things I've done in my life and all the scars left.

Later, I met someone that mentioned the beauty of other blemishes I have on my skin. "The marks of a woman", he'd said.

The marks of a woman. Yes!

My body is a map of my life. The good, the bad AND the beautiful.

Each scar comes with a story. Some are funny, some sad, many come with a lesson and each is cherished.

I have lived a life.

Memories, etched in my skin.

Happy New Year!

A new beginning, a new year.

I don't make resolutions.  I try not to let anything go long enough to NEED them.  I will do my best, though, to make this year count. 

Goals:

New Ink

A date

School

A Move

New Writing

I once thought life would turn out a lot different.  I once imagined a life full of service, love and connection.  I thought my life would be full of love, torture and pleasure.  I thought my life would be...full.

Now, I am grateful to simply have a plan. 

I love waking up in my desert!

I love watching the sunrise.

I love the colors, the sights, the sounds!

I loved hitting the beach on the way here, too. 

Needy baby, greedy baby?

Thats me!

I am leaving much in the desert in March.  I am letting go of things I can no longer carry.  A small fire, a little ink and a new beginning. 

I cannot let go of my heart but I can accept the feelings and move on.  I will stop wishing for things I cannot have and find things I can. 

I thought it would be settling to find someone else but isn't it settle to sit here, unhappy with current events but unwilling to change them?  Isn't that just settling for things less than they should be?  I will NOT settle for less than everything.  Why should I? 

I know what sacrifice is.

I know what love is.

I know what trust is.

I know what service is.

I know what suffering feels like.

I can accept pain.

I am not perfect and I don't ask for perfection. 

I simply ask for:

Presence

Love

Control

Trust

Intimacy

Honor

Acceptance

A small list.  I will do whatever I can to be worthy.

I mourn...

I mourn the possibilities

I mourn the intimacies

I mourn the passion

I mourn the control

I mourn the people

I mourn the laughter

I mourn the tears

I mourn the path

I mourn all we used to be

WHEW!

Finally finished with redecorating my living room!  A weeks worth of hard work but well worth it!  I love the new colors, textures and arrangement! 

Now, time to pack up my truck and head south!  Happy Holidays, everyone! (if I don't' get anymore posts this year)

New Beginnings!

I leave for the desert in a week. My bags are packed and I'm more than ready. I am spending this weekend redecorating. Simple changes, but drastic.

I am redecorating myself, too.

I've been stuck in a rut for 5 years, now. Simply standing still waiting for life, love and happiness to reach out and grab me.

Finally, an interesting door has opened in life and is allowing me to make a simple but drastic change to my life. It's amazing how once you take a single step in the right direction, so many different doors open. I wish someone was here to offer guidance and strength but I've never had a problem doing it alone.

I am making changes in the desert, as well.

Next year will be a grand year. I wonder where I will be at the end. Don't you love a good mystery?

Love

Devotion

Surrender

Service

Gratitude

Worship

Everything that I am would have been yours

Every wish granted

Every command obeyed

Every breath...yours

Why my heart chose you, I will never know.  So many tried for it, wanted it.  All left it cold.

No, it jumped into your hands and there it sits.

Gone from my chest, my life.

Every part of me screams for you, craves you...needs you.  Every fiber of my being wants to worship and cherish you.  Every ounce of me needs to serve you, to please you, to help make your life better, easier...fuller. 

I am withering without love in my life.  Touch, a thing of the past.  Out of control, I go through my daily life like a Zombie.  Here but not.  No longer living, just existing. 

I crave contact, touch, warmth.  I crave being hurt, controlled, loved...especially loved.

I can't have just one part of the puzzle...nope, no half measures for me.  No, I need it all.  I need to give everything I am and I NEED everything back.

Why can't life be simple?

It amazes me how many people complain about fakes and posers and then berate me for being me. 

I don't address everyone by Sir (some don't like it, some aren't worthy).   I treat people as I would treat anyone until I am directed to do other.  I am me, always. 

Sometimes, I'm a shy me.

Sometimes, I'm a stubborn me.

At times, I'm awkward.

I can be outgoing, even.

I can joke.  I over-think most things and I rarely trust anyone. 

I am careful, caring and considerate. 

What I am not...

is an actor.  I don't role play.  I don't put on an act. 

I am me in all my contradictions.

She looked to the sky

The sun hidden again

She looks for him

Searching

Roaming without a guide

Tears fall like snowflakes

Waiting

Hunger grows

Needing

Will it ever end?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Such a great day, already.  An old friend stopped by this morning and we spent some time throwing ideas at each other and proving, once again, we could do much if we put our minds to it!

Thank you, my friend, for reminding me how well our creative minds work together...

One day, we should actually DO instead of just talk.

Darkness no longer teases the mind

No slow seduction or danger

Ice forms

Walls strengthen

Life slips away

Each day, the delete and backspace keys become more important...and more worn out!

There are somedays when I don't think it's good for others to see inside my mind without knowing me, first.  It is too easy to misunderstand or judge harshly.  The past few weeks have been a lot of those days! 

The weather has turned cold and I am grateful we don't get much snow here.  My eyes are focused on the desert but I am not leaving, yet.  Just a few more weeks!

At the edge of the light he stands

Waiting

Watching

She knows he's there

She can feel him

She craves his danger, his passion, his control

She dances close to the shadows hoping to tempt him

A slow seductive dance to entice

The beast rises, growling

He holds the beast back

Still waiting

Still watching

?

?

?

?

?

?

She lived in a fortress of her own making.

Cold.

So cold.

One day, he appeared.

He breathed warmth into her life, walking through the fortress walls like they were sheer curtains.  Straight into the core, he walked. 

Confident.  Strong. 

After showing her a new way to live, love and serve, he taught her the most important lesson of all...

To suffer.

And she did suffer, as she watched him slowly fade into the background. 

Cold.

So cold.

Back in her fortress.

What a favorite day for me!

Corsets in public, thigh high boots...

Dark wigs.

Dark eyes.

A different mask from the one I wear everyday.  A little less of a mask.

Tomorrow I will go back to reality and continue my trek through societies rules.

Tonight...

Tonight, I will be me.

Music:

Nox Arcana- Blackthorn Asylum

Monster Mash

I put a spell on you

Spooky sounds

Blame

?I am not the type of person for intense but casual relationships.? I envy those that can be comfortable in them.?

I can have a completely casual (read unemotional) relationship or I put everything I am into a relationship.? EVERYTHING

I don't know how to hold back.? I don't know how to hide until someone starts forcing me to.? (We teach people how to interact with us)

This is why I don't collect friends, lovers, spouses...

This is why I will never marry.

I was a friend, lover, confidant, servant, property and soulmate to one.

Slowly, I was no longer his confidant.? I blamed him.? I can admit now, it wasn't his fault.? I used his words against him.? I was so frustrated by his inaction that I took it out on him.? He didn't want to act and I blamed him.

Then, I was no longer his lover.? I blamed him.? That wasn't his fault, either.?

When I was no longer his servant, I asked to be released as his property.? After all, why bother owning something if you don't use it?? Again, I blamed him.? I was unhappy and frustrated and I wanted HIM to fix it all.? It wasn't his to fix, though.? That, too, is on me.

Now, we are friends but my blame pushed him so far away...

I should have ended things when I first started getting frustrated.? He never lied to me; I lied to myself.? He never led me on.? I let hope do that.? He was never cruel.? I was.

Yes, I blamed him.

I was wrong.

Ever wonder why some people go out of their way to insult you for no reason?  It's even more baffling when it comes from a complete stranger.

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." -Wayne Dyer

I was out with a friend of mine yesterday when he commented on the hotness of a girl.  I took in her face with enough makeup to hide her true looks and her skin tight dress that left nothing to the imagination.  I commented back that, "True her body is rockin', I would like to see her without all that makeup before I make any judgment."

I am amazed how easily some men are swayed by the dressing.  More so, though, I am amazed that women go through so much to make themselves so different from their natural self. 

I find women are more beautiful with slight "enhancements" rather than a mask of makeup to hide behind. 

Oh, I am aware of the people that care more about appearance than anything but can't you have a balance of both?  A little less fake and a little more natural beauty?

People say it's TV and magazines that pressure women to worry more about being beautiful but maybe it's their peers.  It took a long time for me to stop worrying more about what others thought.  My best friend was more than a little vain.  I allowed her to color my views until I worried myself sick about what to wear, how my hair looked, everything.

One day, we were working on a huge boat (read yacht to most) and this woman walked in.  She was simply the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she was fresh from a swim.  No makeup, no pushup bra, no bottle of hairspray.  She was perfect!

I realized I would rather people see me than a department store mask.  Of course if you saw me, you would wonder if I was a hypocrite.  I love to look nice but I do it for me.  I don't wear a lot of makeup and some days none at all.  I keep my hands and feet well groomed but I don't go into a tailspin if I break a nail.  I like my hair messy from the wind in my hair while I enjoy a drive with the music loud.  Yes, I'm the girl singing at the top of my lungs while changing lanes, changing gears and driving a bit too fast.  I'm the one caring more about that moments fun than how I look to others. 

Happiness comes from within.  I believe that with all I am. 

Such a long rant for a single moment in time, huh?

Todays play list:

Ave Maria

Banana Pancakes

Crazy He Calls Me

Fallin In

Is This Real

Nerve Damage

One Flight Down

Rhapsody In Blue

Spem In Alium

Turn Me On

The Very Thought of You

Your Song

What an odd day.  I love it!

Another gorgeous day! 

I no longer want to dwell on the past.  I know I will revisit it from time to time (I've taken mental notes to refer back to) so I don't repeat past mistakes.  I know, at times, life drags us down and, as a masochist, I wrap a little personal pain around me for comfort. 

I just can't stay there.  Life is too short.  I love to laugh!  I love to have fun!  I love pleasure too much.

I want to live, breathe, love and please. 

I am tired of listening to people tell me I am too strong to be submissive.  I could turn it around and say you are too weak to be dominant, but I don't.  I smile pretty and nod my head.  Why?  A lady tries to never be rude. 

This weeks words...

Honor

Strength

Integrity

Passion

and lets throw in Love for all those that think it doesn't belong on a BDSM site!

I'm supposed to be listening to a lecture right now. The professor's voice is without passion and has allowed my brain to wander. The path it follows is always the same. My addiction and my demon. My addiction: him. My demon: Hope. I've been sober, so to speak, for years now. I still talk with him and see him occasionally but I am no longer able to touch, smell, taste him. I no longer feel the effects of withdrawals. I simply feel that gigantic hole inside me. More expensive than any drug, at first the price was my heart. Now, it's my sanity. Although it's been years since I've felt him, my demon still whispers in my ear. Maybe one day... Maybe this time... Maybe... Yeah, maybe not. I know the truth. I just don't want to.

Pain is needed today.  Physical pain, emotional pain...everything. 

Anything to FEEL, to distract...

Anger rules me today.  I know why.  No need to share, though.

Structure.

Intensity.

Intimacy.

Passion.

I miss running.  I miss punishing myself fast and hard.  Guess an extra long walk, extra fast is in order.

I am confused by this stereotype people HERE have placed on submissives/slaves.  I am expected to be fake, male, prostitute or if female, fat, lazy, desperate, greedy and, most of all,  passive aggressive. 

I am expected to lose all my current feelings, drop to my knees and worship anyone claiming to be dominant.

I am expected to jump through all hoops thrown at me and the moment I don't, FAKE!

Also, IF I answer an email, I'm expected to be dying to start a relationship with that person right away. 

The people that really confuse me are the ones that send me emails about my journal.  They want to talk more about it and then seem surprised when I later turn down their very generous offer to change my profile, agree to be claimed or pack my bags and change my dreams.

IF anyone reads my journal, or even simply my profile, they will see I am not looking for someone to take over my life.  I am not sitting here waiting for some white knight (yuck) to come save me. 

I refuse to settle.  I would rather be alone and lonely than to waste someone else's life because neither one of us is truly happy.  I never understood that.  I watch all these people stay married, both miserable, but they stay together...why?  For the kids?  They aren't stupid.  For the extended family?  Are they living your life? 

It's not my place and I will worry about my own life. 

However, I would hope you understand...

I'm not interested in being a supplement for a broken marriage.  I am not interested in settling.  I am not going to drop all my dreams and change everything I am to fit someone that is NOT the right fit to begin with.  I don't need to.

I've loved.  I've served.  I've worshipped.  I've lost.

I know the bite of leather as it kisses my skin.  I know the feel of a belt around my neck.  I know the feel of Him against my back.  I know the thrill of a lover's whisper in my ear.  I know the fear of disappointing him. 

You can play online and hide safely in your home, office, motel.  I'm not interested in playing that game.

We have been so lucky in the weather department this summer/fall!  It's been years since I dug graves in dry dirt!

I am amazed at my willingness to ignore the obvious. 

Simple words ignored.

Pretty words wrapped around like a security blanket.

Hope rises.

My Demon Hope.

The beginning of a great weekend!

Once again, I have words rolling around my mind, bouncing off the walls and fighting to come out.  When the words are chaotic, it's best to hold them in.   I try to organize them.  I try to find some sense. 

If I could paint, I'm not sure I could even paint the pictures, so scrabbled are they.

Maybe it's from a lack of sleep.  Maybe, it's another year close enough to grab. 

Whatever the reason, I'm on auto pilot today.  Once again a zombie, moving through the day without seeing.  So lost inside my head, I cannot focus. 

I start a new year tomorrow. 

I start a new chapter on Monday. 

Each year is a year of change...

What will next year bring?

I shouldn't be up for another 40 mins.  I don't have to be awake even then.  I've been up since about 2:30am. 

I love the stillness of the night. 

I'm numb today.

I am not sure why, maybe the rains.  Maybe it's just a break from feeling so much.  Maybe it's my minds way of preparing me for the pain coming. 

I went for a walk long before the sun started to lighten the sky this morning.  The cold wet air and the fresh clean smells made my heart ache for the desert.  As I walked, though, I started to feel a calm come over me and then...

Nothing.

I just went numb. 

My mind stalled for a few and I was just a zombie moving through the dark streets on autopilot. 

Some days I just want to end this lonely period of my life and find comfort in strong arms and a soft voice.  It's out there...waiting for me.  I roll the idea around my brain for 4.5 seconds before my soul screams it's demands.

I can't ruin someone else's life for a few moments of selfish pleasure.  And a few moments is all it can be.  I cannot live a vanilla life.  I cannot give myself to someone that can never hope to understand me.  I cant live a life pretending. 

It's been so long since I've felt the touch of a lover's hand.  The restricting pressure of a belt around my neck.  Hear the sharp snap of leather against skin.  It feels like forever since I knelt in front of him and waited with my heart pounding for his commands.  It's been a lifetime since I felt...

GRRRR

Maybe I am not as numb as I thought.  I truly dislike the dark wet days of the PNW.  Give me sun!  Give me heat!  Give me peace!

As I sit here, thousands of words rolling around in my head, I'm at a loss.  I wish I could share my inner thoughts and turmoil.  I wish I had someone to lean on. 

I'm not sure that it's loneliness I feel today or if it's just a strong desire to play, feel, laugh, share.  To share life with someone for a bit of time.  To be seen.

A bit selfish, I know.

I read through the journals most mornings and see all the different people here.  Some complaining in their journals about the negative/fake people, some praising their Owners, property and some simply looking.

It makes me sad but comforted to read the journals about loneliness, pain, hopelessness and the very long and tiring journey to find a mate.  I am not alone.  Well, partly.

I thought I found THE ONE.  I thought I was finally going to find happiness.  I thought, amazingly, Fate was shining on me. 

I suppose this is where most people say something awful about the other person, about how they are better off without him or her and move on. 

There is nothing awful to say here.  I am blessed for knowing him.  I am a better person because he touched my life. 

I hope with everything in me that I touched his life enough to give him the peace and a bit of harmony he so needs.  I hope, when he thinks of me, it warms him a little.  I hope he finds happiness in the life he chose.

Someone recently quoted those so famous lyrics, "If you can't be with the one you love..." 

Yes, we all know how that line finishes.  I don't agree with it.  I don't agree with settling simply because you can't be with the person you love.  What is wrong with being alone?  Why is it so hard to imagine someone choosing to be alone? 

If I can't give everything to someone, I don't want to be with them.  I did that already.  I spent years trying to be something I'm not for another person.  I will NEVER settle again. 

That is my promise to myself. 

I cannot forgive when there is no crime against me.  I will forgive you for the regrets you have about us but there is nothing to forgive.

I cannot regret anything when it comes to us.  If I had the chance, I would NOT go back and change anything.  Some days, I tell myself I should wish to go back and NOT take that step with you but then...who would I be today?  I love the person you helped me to be.  I love the woman I accept now.  I love and accept my submissive qualities.  I know, too, what I need IS attainable.  You showed me it is possible to love, hurt, be gentle and be cold all in one great honorable package.  I know people like you exist.  That is all that matters.

I will, instead, tell you I understand.

I understand the choice you make everyday.  I understand you live the life you must to live with yourself.  I understand you never meant to cause me this kind of pain.  I have always known what you wanted for me.

You helped me define love, submission, service, worship.  You made me understand WHY someone would want to worship another.  You showed me the pleasures of giving every last breath to another simply because that was what made them happy. 

You gave me acceptance.  You gave me the love you had to give.  You gave me a better understanding of me.

No, there is nothing to forgive.  I would not change one minute with you. 

I understand. 

I accept.

Thank you.

The days are getting cooler, shorter.  I'm not a fan of winter but I do love fall.  OK, I love Halloween.  I decorate in Sept and enjoy the holiday for a month and a half.  When I was younger, and even a little now, it's a time to be all of my freaky self without worry. 

The one good part of winter is the desert.  I can feel it calling to me, already.  I wont leave for the desert until Nov but my mind is already making plans for it.  As the days get shorter and the sun becomes scarce, those thoughts will occupy more of my mind. 

The desert calls to me all the time; I can ignore that call better when the weather isn't so bad here. 

Daughter of the Sun...

That's what I am.

"Not now"  He says

"Wait" He says

"Almost" He says

"A little longer" He says

Where is the line between obedience and stupidity?

How many years does it take to sink in?

When will the heart finally agree with the mind?

How can she waste the best time of her life?

I was enjoying some nice conversations with someone and one confession ended the whole experience. No big deal but it got me thinking. I don't bother trying to hide the obvious. I, actually, don't hide anything when I know someone.

I write often about acceptance.

I think everyone deserves it. Taking off the mask, though, is one of the scariest acts shared with someone new. Each time you lower that mask for someone, you risk condemnation. It doesn't matter if that person is a co-worker, friend or lover, it's a risk.

People talk about finding love, finding lust or finding companionship. People want a dominant, submissive, slave, lover, best friend, pet, daddy...

I suggest we are all, ultimately, looking for acceptance. Someone to look deep inside the darkest parts of us and still like us.

So, I want to share a quote.  This quote fits everyone, in my eyes.  Acceptance:

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

Who are you to tell me I am wrong in my standards, desires and views.

If I tell you the sky is purple, you may tell me I am wrong.

If I tell you my idea of a dominant man, how can you tell me I am wrong?  Should I tell you you are wrong for your idea of dominant men? 

If I tell you 2 + 2 = 10, tell me I am wrong.

If I express MY views on D/s relationships, you telling me I am wrong is the same as me telling you the same. 

Who cares if we disagree.  I find happiness in the way I view it.  If you don't find the same, maybe you should try paying more attention to your life and quit worrying about mine.

Isn't it already hard enough trying to live outside of society's normals?  Shouldn't we support each other?  Wouldn't it make more sense to be a safe haven?

You want a contract and a collar.  I want something different. 

Are you wrong in your desires?

Neither am I.

Positive.

I notice positive people have more positive energy in their life.

Negative people seem to have more negative energy in theirs. 

Coincidence?

I can only give as much as you are willing to take.

Adrift in a sea of darkness.

Untethered

Lost

All people see is an independent, stand-offish woman.

Only you ever saw the lost little girl scared of life.

Only you ever cared to look beyond the pretty package to the darkness inside.

Only you ever wanted to play with the messiness without trying to clean it.

Only you ever broke my heart.

I sat down to read a book our book club chose to read this month.  I was getting into the story and really enjoying the characters and the authors ability to reach me as a reader.  I was about an 1/8 of the way through this wonderful story and then one word changed everything. 

I just couldn't get past that one simple word. 

I am usually good at ignoring words.  They are, after all, just words and I know we give them power.  They don't hold power without us.  However, I have heard this word used with such disrespect and over used by people that have no idea how to control themselves that I just cringe whenever I hear it.

How disappointing that such a wonderful story with powerful characters are ruined by one word *I* view as disrespectful.

I don't see the word as degrading.  Maybe it is to some but *I* view it more as a reminder of all the people out there needing to control someone else because they have no control over themselves or their own lives.  Reminds me of baby-talking, pouting to get their way men loudly claiming to all that will listen that they are, in fact, a True Dominant! 

The same men that complain about the behavior of "brats" but don't demand any manners or standards from those brats.  The same men that encourage submissive men and women to "top from the bottom" and then complain when they don't get respect.

Yes, this word puts all that into my head the moment I hear it.  It may not be fair but the moment that word leaves the mouth of another, I simply stop listening.  I have made a snap judgment.  It might be the only place I am truly unfair in my assessments of others.  I hear it and think, yep...weekend warrior. 

I don't claim to be right in this.  In fact, I may be far off but since this is my journal and only *I* have to live my life...

Well, until someone puts a collar around my neck and tells me I can no longer hold that word against someone (and no one putting a collar on my neck would)...I will continue to view this one little word as a warning sign:

BS and preening will now follow!

The End.

OH!  You want to know the word that has caused this?  LOL  I bet a bunny knew before I even started this post.

subbie.  *cringe*

What a great day!  Music, fruit and good conversation! 

Truths spoken, time shared, memories made.

Somedays are simply perfect!

Today was one.

Beethoven teases my pain. I don't know why his music effects me so. It feels tortured and suffering. If I could safely meet two people in all of history...maybe I would choose Beethoven and De Sade? Beethoven for his music, De Sade for his bravery...or was that stupidity? I have never had talent nor bravery. Foolishness and stupidity, I wrap around me like an old friend. When I trust, I trust completely. When I accept, I accept without reservation. When I love, I love unconditionally. When I hurt, I hurt with every fiber of my being. When I open and connect, I hold nothing back. I don't know any other way to be. Sadly, the only time it mattered, I allowed hope to rule me and ended up playing the fool. Oh, no one made me the fool, I did it to myself. I was too eager, too open, too willing. I didn't listen...I dreamed. No promises had to be made... No knife brought to the table. I bring my own torture devices. The are loosely kept in my mind and I play with them often. No one can't hurt me like I can. I am the queen of emotional torture. Bring on the music, Beethoven! It's a beautiful night to suffer.

You inspire in me an insatiable passion.
Each drop You feed me only makes me crave more.
Every whispered word,
Every command,
Every touch fills my heart.
To serve You…
To love You...
To honor You binds my soul.
I cannot get enough of You.
You are my addiction, my drug.
I need more.

I don't understand.

Are we supposed to be grateful simply because someone has graced us with their presence?? Are we supposed to be so desperate that we have no standards?? Are we supposed to drop to our knees and kiss the feet of just any man that looks our way?

I am lonely.? I am NOT desperate.?

I have standards and they are very high.?

It's not because I believe I deserve it.? It's just the way I am.?

I am not sure what I deserve but I know, with Him, I am willing to spend my life earning it.?

I would rather be alone than settle for less than everything.? I do believe everyone deserves to have everything they need.? Sadly, I don't always like what I need.? Do any of us?? I wonder how many know the difference between what they need and what they want?

I spent years following what I wanted and ignored what I needed.? I prefer what I want to what I need but it has never made me happy.? It's never sated my desires.? It only makes me want more.?

Now, I hope for what I need.? Because it's a need and not a want, I cannot chase it.? I cannot manipulate to get it.? No.? I am prey, not predator.? I am prey but I am not weak.?

Weakness is mistaken for submission and strength is mistaken for Dominance.? I know my mind.? I know myself.? I have opinions.? I have the ability to hold my own.?

Do I make men feel weak?? Do I confuse those that want to be dominant but don't know how to dominate?? Am I unappealing because I wont fall to me knees simply because a man says "Kneel"??

LOL

I grow but I am, at the core, the same.? I will always be strong.? I will always survive.?

I will always survive.

I will always survive.

I will survive You.

I love the sun!  It energizes me and ALMOST soothes the loneliness. 

Sun, music and a margarita makes for a great evening. 

A firm hand and a deep voice is all that's missing.

Interesting how pleasure can cause pain.

I watched a young (early 20's) couple get married this weekend.? I watched all their friends and family (me included) celebrate their beginning and all I could do was think about how much we change each decade.? I thought I knew everything about myself at 21, 25 and 30.?

Around 30, I met myself.

I spent the next 10 years learning that new and different person.? I spent all this time and energy learning myself and still people try to tell me what I want, what I like and what I need.? IF you are in my inner circle, OK.? I know I am still in denial about a few things.? IF you are NOT in my inner circle (and you are NOT), trust me when I say...You do NOT know me.? You do not know my needs.? You do not know what is best for me.? I know this because...

No matter what I share with people, I keep that part of myself hidden.? I hide the depth of my pain.? I hide the truth of my heart.? I hide the complications of my needs.? I hide them because they are not You or You or You.

I show strength and independence because I cannot lean on the one I trust.? I hide behind a mask of casual interest because, no matter what, I know HE is not here.?

It may not be fair but I measure everyone against Him.? He is my guide.? It may be unrealistic to expect others to compare but that is the truth of it.

When people ask me what I am looking for, what I want, what I need...

What am I looking for?? Him

What do I want?? Him

What do I need?? Him

What do I have?? Emptiness

I am aware I do myself an injustice but how do you convince your heart and soul that what it recognized as it's mate was a trick of the light?? That they were mistaken and that perfectly matched soul doesn't belong to us?? How do you forget every feeling of rightness?? How do you begin to let someone else in when no one can touch those two stubborn parts??

How do you begin to heal when all anyone wants is a quick lay with a kinky girl?

No one takes the time to find that broken girl hiding in a corner convinced she doesn't deserve to find happiness.? They take one look at the strong woman and turn away because she isn't submissive enough, slave enough...just enough.

How can she be when she is a disguise?? A shell of the woman she used to be.? He took all that I am.? He didn't let go of that when he stopped moving forward.? He simply let the shell keep moving forward while he stood there and watched.?

Everything I am, everything I am not...

?

?

Soulmates...

Do they exist?

I used to think so.  I believed in soulmates, kindred spirits and all kinds of romantic notions.  I don't know if I was wrong but I know I was a fool. 

I was a fool to believe anyone strong enough to take me would ever believe something so romantic.

I was a fool to believe my loneliness would end.

I once wrote about the fear of being the fool for anyone.  I did my best in life to avoid playing that role. 

Is playing the fool really all the bad?  I think, with the right person, it's how we should all be.  However, with the wrong person...

It hurts like hell. 

Getting past the feelings of "not good enough" and all the other insecurities that come with having a submissive soul is the difficult part.  I try not to let it get me down but there is still that devil sitting on my shoulder whispering...

Emotionally masochistic

Am I a magnet for "Mr. Wrongs" just to feed that part of me?  Do I let the impossible relationships happen just to feel this?

Where did I put that strait jacket?

If there is little or no effort...

Can there really be a will?

The answer is easy. Acceptance...the hardest part.

Passion

Burn

Ache

Crave

Worship

Intimacy

Pain

Love

If you want something, really want it...grab it with both hands and never let go.  If, however, you simply wish to play with it...remember to let go when you are done.

It isn't nice to hog all the toys.  Learn to share.  You can't own them all.  If you lock your toys in a box simply to keep others from playing with them...

The toys rot.  One day, you will open that box and only find old, worn out and/or broken toys.

I may be slow, at times.

I might allow things to pass because I WANT to believe.

I am NOT stupid, though.

I still see.  I still know. 

I have accepted the facts.  I am OK.  I am disappointed.  I am angry (at myself). 

When good things come, I believe in grabbing them.  I believe, at the end of life, it's the good things and regret we hold onto. 

I will not regret someone else's actions.  I will not let those actions ruin my happiness.  I didn't put my heart out there but it ended up in someone else's hands.  I didn't ask for it but I am a better person because of it.  I will never regret that.

I don't look at my life and see loneliness.  I look at love and see a wasted chance.  I try to be honest with myself and others about the life I wish to live.

I never have claimed to LOVE this part of me.  I don't always want to submit.  I don't always want to be under someone else's control.  I don't always want to live my life for another person.

There are many things we don't want but we still NEED.  This has never been a choice for me.  I never decided I wanted to be a submissive.  I am not a submissive.  I am many things tied up into one woman. 

I don't act.  If I make a commitment, I make it with all my heart.  I am not a martyr, though.  If I commit and someone else defaults, I will not beat myself up over it (for long).  I know I did my best.  I know I was honest with myself.

I love a man I would give anything to serve.  It would be an honor to spend my life enjoying life with him.  To please him, frustrate him, love him.  To take his pain and pleasure.  To make him happy.

I don't control that but do not mistake my pain, needs and cravings for a need to be with someone.  I don't. 

I know people don't understand.  I have heard many things said about my actions (or lack of them).  For me, I don't understand how someone can turn love and service off and on so easily. 

Whether he wants me or not, I belong to him.  I didn't choose it and I can't change it.  I live without him but I cannot replace him.  I don't have to like his choices but I do accept them. 

Now, accept mine.

My mind is a jumbled mess and no words will come.  I try to organize my thoughts and feelings and find a way to lay them to paper (or type in this case) but I can't seem to grab them. 

Just out of reach, the message sits. 

On bended knees I wait.

Head bowed, demure.

I wait to follow your voice.

I wait to react to your hand.

I wait to worship you.

I wait to please you.

I wait to love you.

I wait to...

I wait...

I...

I used to think I wasn't meant for love.  I thought there was something wrong with me.

Broken

I found, instead, I need a different kind of love. 

Deeper

I need a connection most people can't imagine.

Bond

I need to give everything to another person, trust completely and know, unconditionally, I am accepted.

Loved

I NEED to serve, to worship, to please.

Submit

Mostly, I need it when I least want to give it.

Controlled

In the end, though, there is really only one thing I need.

Him

I would sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats in my ear

Don't you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, step up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
'Cause I've got you...you're under my skin.

 By Cole Porter

This version performed by Michael Buble

I promise to write soon. 

Good days, bad days.

We all have them but we either don't talk about the bad day or we are ridiculed for our feelings. 

I go back and forth between intense pain and being numb.  I am not sure which is better.  The pain goes deep into my soul and causes a snowball effect of self-abusing thoughts and bitterness.  When I'm simply numb, I laugh, I have fun, I fill my days with activity but I can feel the loneliness and cravings for touch just behind the barrier.  I always know it's there. 

I always know He's there.   Just out of reach.  Just like in life. 

I wish I could just shut it all off and settle.  I wish, when I looked at people, I didn't see them as "not Him".  Not hard enough.  Not loving enough.  Not strong enough.  Not enough honor.  Not Him. 
I hate that I compare everyone to Him.  I hate that He is the standard.  I hate that no one compares.  Not tall enough.  Not smart enough.  Or too much.  Too detached.  Too cold.  Too Sadistic.  Too soft.  Too loving (yes, it's true). 

Doomed.

I am doomed to a life without service, touch.  I am doomed to a life alone.  I want to be angry.  I want to hate Him.  All I feel for Him is love.  Love and respect.

Am I crazy?  LOL  YES! 

Where did I put that strait jacket?

When I was introduced to me, I decided to jump in feet first.  I wanted to learn all about my needs/desires.  It spoke to the hedonist in me.  I had all these ideas of sex, sex and more sex.

One day He walked into my life.

I was an idiot!  I kept going forward thinking I was immune emotionally.  He had other ideas.  Just like a man, He wanted it all.  All of me.  My everything.

He took.  Whatever He wanted, He took. 

He doomed me to a life without the passion two people in love share.  No matter His decisions in life, my life is richer and lonelier because I met Him.

I know human nature will allow me to be with another some day but I KNOW I will never love anyone else.  I know this because He is the only man that has ever fit me so perfectly. 

The perfect Owner.  LOL  Just my luck.

As a child, I thought...it has to get better.  I can't be alone my whole life.

As an adult, I know I can.

Will.

There will always be a disconnect...because He will always own me.

What a perfect weekend!  Sun, cars, sun, music and SUN!  Im going to sleep for a week!

I read profiles and listen to people tell stories...

"I knew when I was 20..."  "I knew when I was a child..."

I wish I was that lucky.  I have never been that black and white.  I have always been shades of grey.  I despised what I thought of as a weakness and fought it.  I tried to be in control of whatever I could just to show myself I WAS a modern independent woman.  I always had a desire to do tomboy stuff so this weakness didn't make sense!  Why did I defer to a man when I KNEW I was right?  Why did I find it hard to speak up when I KNEW I knew better, was faster?  I hated it.  I lived a wild life just trying to find myself because the girl I knew wasn't right.

I thought, because I didn't fit in one box like so many did, I was messed up.  I thought my need for emotional pain meant I was broken somehow.  I thought my tolerance for physical pain was proof.  Even now, I am careful with my words.  I hide so much of myself from the world.  I find comfort in being invisible...known only to a few. 

I shouldn't envy others, I know.  I am unique, as most of us are.  I look at life through my own eyes.  I don't need to see what others see.  I don't need to like what others like.  Beauty is mine. 

Balance is everything. 

I am light.

I am soft.

I am understanding.

I am sympathetic.

I am the counterbalance, in all shades.

 While out today, I looked around and realized, I am nothing like these people.  I am different.  No better, no worse, just different. 

I have very little in common with others.  I like cars, classical music, racing, serial killers, alternative music, books, wine (but very rarely), beaches, desert and warmth.  I like intimacy.  I love touch.  I love and hate being alone.  I like to be seen but only by a select few.  I dislike crowds.  I like to have fun, love to laugh.

Only when I look at other people do I realized my contradictions.  I hate small spaces and being restrained but love the feel of leather cuffs and rope on my skin.  I get angry when someone tells me I can't do something I really want but I can't live without it in my life.  I love the beach and the ocean but I can't live without the desert.  I want to be loved and cherished but I need it from my cold, hard man.  I love to have my nails and toes look perfect but I can't understand what women do for hours in a bathroom.  Do you really NEED makeup?  I like simple things, with a flair.  I like elegant but not stuffy.  I like perfection as long as it's messy.  (Only in my head does that make sense) 

I don't fit in one box because I am so many things at different times.  I don't have a favorite anything...I have many for different settings, moods, times, places. 

My favorite color is blue but I rarely buy anything that is blue.  LOL 

I'm a very physical (touchy) person but rarely touch or get touched.

I am no better, no worse...different because I am a bit of everything. 

Somedays, I want to be normal.  I know that I'm never normal but somedays, I wish.

Somedays, I want to give up total control.  I want to submit completely.

Everyday, I want to please people.  I cannot help it.  I wish I could just say, "ME FIRST!" but, even thinking it, I fill with guilt. 

I don't actually think I'm submissive.  I have submissive qualities, yes, but I am not defined by my submission.  I think I'm a pleaser.  I think I'm a giver.  I have a few slave qualities.  I crave a strong, firm, dominant man to control me. 

At the end of the day, I am simply me.  I take care of what needs to be taken care of.  I love.  I laugh.  I cry.  I hurt.  I do.

I once said you are my everything... My love My friend My Master My Owner My pleasure My pain. I will always love you and you will always own my heart. Now, though, as time passes, you become my pain, my pain, my pain. 

We could have been different. In another life, we could be everything. I would spend my life worshiping at your feet. I would spend every moment showing you how truly special you are.

No one has ever given me such sweet, horrible pain. Such deep, soul caressing pleasure. No one has been as cold and caring. My life is yours. I can't take it back. You leave an empty shell. Everyday. Close, far away...it doesn't matter. My drug My life My everything

You can tell a lot about fit simply by how someone kisses. 

I can watch a man kiss and know if he would be good with me or not. 

So many types of kisses...

I prefer the sensual kiss, although the passionate kiss is nice, too.  Hands holding the head or grasping the back of the neck to control the kiss.  Teasing, flirting with lips. 

The sexual kisser is more passionate, no more demading but more obvious about his needs. 

Yes, I miss kissing.

Somedays I love being alone...

Somedays it just sucks!

Everyday I am glad Im me.

Sun shining, music playing, top down, sundress on, long drive along the curvy hwy....

It would be very hard to top today!

Today I was listening to some people talk about relationships...what is right and what is wrong.

Apparently, I do it wrong.  LOL  I'm good with that. 

In this, though, I realized how very rare acceptance really is.  People spend so much time judging others for their relationships that they don't see the good and bad of their own.  Or, they do and are ignoring it.  Who knows. 

I accept that I am different from must.  I accept that what I want/need from my Owner is beyond the norm.  I accept that most would not understand my need to give fully, unconditionally.

Oh, I play with words and joke around all the time.  I am rarely serious and I love to laugh.   I don't need to impress everyone. 

When I am standing toe to toe with Him , though, the rules change.  *I* do not seek control.  I trust Him fully.  I know Him well, He knows me.  I know He will not hurt me more than I can take.  I know He will not take me where I cannot go.  I know He will not do anything to me, ask anything of me without a purpose. 

He honors me with the chance to give to Him.  THAT is all that matters.

He accepts me and allows me to accept Him.

Only my bunny understands, it seems and I'm OK with that.

Quote:

I don't need someone to complete me, I need someone to accept me completely.

Today I am thankful for the sun on my skin, the smell of rich coffee, the feel of a powerful sports car and the pleasure of watching animals play in the spring.

Trust:

Do people understand how fragile trust really is?  Trust is so very hard to build and broken with just a moments rash action. 

Can we rebuild?

I cannot form a bond with any other person without trust.  Trust doesn't just magically appear.  It takes time, patience and consistancy.

Words without actions do not help build trust.

I am so ready to go back to my desert

Devotion

Loyalty

Service

Respect

How do we change?

How do we see what is wrong in our behavior and change it?  What if it's not something we ever think about it's just instinct?  How do we change instinct?

How do we ...no, how do *I* teach myself to be better, different, less selfish? 

I have no problem putting others before me.  What I struggle with is slowing down when I hurt or when I feel wronged and looking at other peoples feelings.  How do I slow down and make sure that in being so focused on my own pain, I don't cause others pain? 

How do we learn that?  I don't want to hurt anyone else...even when I hurt.  How do I set MY feelings aside long enough to insure I don't strike out and hurt someone I love? 

How do we teach ourselves something we never learned before?

Some days I am so grateful for music.  Music shared, music enjoyed.  When it seems you are completely alone, a friend steps up and spends time simply sharing music and laughing. 

I have to remember there is more in life than the single minded focus of my heart.  I have to remember that there are people out there that will go out of their way to spend time.  People that see the benefit of putting another first every once in awhile.

Thank you, my friend, for taking the time.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!  I didn't realize how much I needed someone to give to me for once. 

Playlist:

Coldplay-The Scientist

Chopin-Op28#4

Enigma-Principles of Lust

Jeff Buckley-Hallelujah

Thomas Tallis-Spem In Alium

Nina Simone-Feeling Good, I Put a Spell On You, Sinnerman and Don't Let Me Be  Misunderstood

Bach/Marcello

Jose Gonzalez-Stay In The Shade

Nelly Furtado-Try

Pachelbel-Canon

Madonna-Love Don't Live Here Anymore

Puccini-Madama Butterfly

Michael Buble-Moondance, I've Got You Under My Skin and Come Fly with Me.

LOVE:

I've been loved before.  Oh, not MY definition of love but theirs, which is fine.  I didn't think I could love.  I thought I was broken, in so many ways.

When my heart was stolen, I was...overwhelmed.  I didn't know what to do, I was scared.  I made my way, with Him guilding me, through the process.

Now, seven shades of sin later, I can't go back to the person I was before Him.  I will never be able to live the life I had.  I will never be able to look at life, love or service the same way.

It seems guilt and remorse nip at my heels with every step. I want so much in life but I am unable get my hands around them.  I am always reaching, always trying but never getting there.  LOL I can't get there from here.  The words I dread more than any others but they seem to be the story of MY life. 

I've always dreamed of simple things but life has never been simple for me.  I am beyond complicated.  I want but I can't have.  I am but I can't be.  I see but I can't touch. 

Breathe deep.  Live life.  Be true.  Love unconditionally.  Give endlessly.

I've been thinking a lot about "what went wrong"

In doing so, I have had to do some soul searching, looking at what I need, desire and crave.

I realized, as things were breaking down, I started pushing and acting out.  I started testing waters and feeling boundaries.  I was horrible and everytime I acted out, I punished myself with guilt.  The snowball was rolling. 

I need a firm but loving hand.  I might fight it, at times, but it's what I need.  I am not perfect, I don't always like who am.  I don't always see right away why I feel/act a certain way.  Often, though, I am simply looking for that firm hand.

I don't understand why I was given the life I was.  Why I am the way I am.  I just know that I cannot find happiness in normal.  I can't live a lie.  I can't live by society's rules.

A strong, loving, hard, caring man...

Contradictions in motion. 

I miss the rules, the structure.  I miss the willingness to enforced those rules.  I miss the undeniable need to own me.  I miss the soul deep craving to hurt me.  I miss being able to calm.  I miss being able to please.  I miss being able to ease stress.  I miss being able to lighten the load.  I miss taking care of Him.  I miss...being me.

Funny how I can write a whole post, delete it and feel better.

I love the desert, the warmer weather and the flat roads.  I love spending time outside but the PNW makes being outside miserable.  The endless grey and damp air. 

I love running through gears and just being...me.

Spring has to be right around the corner, right?

Ignorance IS bliss.

I didn't know how blissful until I met Him.

I had resigned myself to a life, thinking I was broken and it was the best I would get.  He showed me a different truth.

I thought my submissiveness was my greatest weakness.  He showed me the strength of it.

I thought I couldn't love.  He stole my heart.

Now, all I want is everything we could have had.  We were perfect together.  I don't mean perfect fairy tale, everything good all the time...I mean we were messy and in that messiness we were real and raw.  We didn't pretend  when it was bad...it was bad.  When it was good it was heavenly but it was always real.  We gave.  We took.  We taught.  We learned. 

Everyday, I hold my head a little higher.  I smile a little brighter and I cry a little harder.  I know beauty.  I know pain.  I know love.  I know strength.  I am a better person because He took the time to look beyond the pretty package at the messy, scared and passionate woman underneath.  He gave me acceptance.    He gave me structure.  He gave me laughter and he gave me love. 

Thank you, Love...

You made a better me.

I truly hate this time of year.  The really lucky people celebrate their love, most people pretend to have that great love and the rest just wish they had it.  Honest people look at their life and wonder...where is that road map to love?

[Deleted]

I simply know...

This is my life.

I once wrote about fairy tales. 

I still danced with Hope and believed they could be real.

Fairy tales only enable Hope to possess the weak.

The promise of love so great it can withstand anything...

The gorgeous dream of finding that one person we were made for and sharing all the good and bad life has to offer...

The stories of strong men fighting dragons simply for the love of some fair maiden.  Stories of men that take what they want because they KNOW it's right.  Stories of men following their instincts, no matter what others do.  Stories of women waiting forever for Him to come back from the battle.  The stories of couples fighting all the outside forces to be together. 

Yeah, right.

Fairy tales:  Another tool for the Demon of Hope.

All morning I've been sitting here debating whether or not I would write.  I feel the overwhelming need but they words just wont come.  I miss that deep connection with another.  I miss the long talks about everything and nothing.  I miss...everything.  The touch of a hand, the touch of leather.  That belt around my neck.  The laughter, the whispers...

I miss that. 

Control

Love

Laughter

Tears

Connection

I used to think acceptance was what I needed from a partner.  Now, I realize I need transparency as much. 

I struggle with connecting with others.  The more someone holds back, the more I do.  The more I hold back, the less I feel like myself.  The less I feel like me, the more I struggle.  I am a walking snowball effect. 

I don't want to live my life alone but I don't know any other way to be. 

I want so much to have what I cannot have but to have less...

I become that snowball effect and it ruins everything.

I don't know how be any other way.

I don't know how to be with You.

I stayed in bed as long as I could.

So many different thoughts rolling around my head

All of them attached to Him

I don't think I've ever been so alone.

I am not perfect.

Nowhere close.
I suppose it's easy to lay blame when you have no control.

I don't want to play the blame game.

I don't want to compare offenses.

I just want the one thing I can't have.

Do I sound like a spoiled child?

I never claimed I wasn't.

Does moving away from the bar make craving that drink go away?

People keep saying time heals all wounds.

They don't understand that there is no wound to heal.

I have an addiction to a drug I cannot have.  The only hurting is the hurt I have brought on myself.  I went into with my eyes wide open.  I just hoped for a better result.  Hope.  The worst Demon of all.  I have been possessed by Hope most of my life.  I thought this time...

LOL Isn't that just how Hope works?

Everyday I dream of the future and I have to keep forcing myself to dream of a new future.  From that first moment, though, I've never wanted anything but.  Even before that...Before I knew what I wanted.  It was always THAT. 

All my searching, all the time thinking I was broken...

I was simply looking for that one thing...The one thing I couldn't stand to be just out of reach of having any longer.  That one thing that I wanted so much more than it wanted me.  The one thing I would have done anything for...except waste away.

And what do I find now?  I will waste away anyway.  Simply because, He was one of a kind.

No amount of time can erase what my heart knows. 

Songs:

Down here on the knees of my heart (Jimmy)

Like the desert waiting for the rain (Norah Jones)

Just one more day when it's already been too long (Remy Zero)

If it takes forever I will wait for you (Pick your fav artist.  The Umbrellas of Cherbourg)

My snake is shedding. LOL  I guess the paws are, too but it's kinda funny to see the snake shedding so similar to a real snake. 

I didn't get to sleep until late last night and still I was awake before 4am.  I hope this sleeping this gets better. 

Im sure, in my desert, I will be better rested.

Once again, sleep was short.

I woke at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep.  I feel so lost, empty.

One thing I remember, though, it can always get worse.

She wanted to scream her pain all out.

She wanted to beg Him to make everything all right.

She wanted shut out the world and roll around in her misery.

In every man, she looked for an ounce of what He was to her.

In every dream, He was her hero, her tormentor and her lover.

In every fantasy, He fought for her, their love and their happiness.

She wanted it all to go away.

I can't cry.

I don't know why I can't cry.

I feel terrible pain, emptiness and still I cannot cry.

I feel it sitting there behind a dam, waiting.

At times I think it's finally going to break but, then, nothing happens. 

I am not numb, I feel the pain and loneliness.

I just can't seem to let it out.

It's just building, waiting...

How can people have so little faith in others?  I mean, sure, you see it all the time.  Disposable love seems to be the norm but after really getting to know someone, how can you doubt?

Love is not disposable.

Life is fragile, love isn't.

We don't choose it, it just is.

Love, loyalty, passion.

I guess I'm just odd.  I don't connect with people often but when it happens...

I guess I'm odd.

Sleep doesn't come easy. 

Doesn't stay long.

Dreams are troubled.

My brain wont stop.

She watched the paper fall from her fingers like the tears from her eyes.  She hoped for a different outcome but it wasn't meant to be. 

She felt a moment of second guessing but realized she was not the one in control.  She did not set the pace, she did not make the choice. 

Her only choice was...

With or without.

Both would bring pain.

One MIGHT offer relief somewhere, sometime. 

She falls to her knees screaming at Fate.

Heart, gone.

Soul, lost.

Path, empty.

People spoke of love, it's definition and what it meant to them.  I don't have a recipe for love.  I didn't know what love was until it hit me upside the head.

I would do anything for the one I love.  I would go anywhere, do anything.  I would give my life so He could live. 

I would do it even if love was not returned.

I do not believe in the words, though.  Oh, it's lovely to hear "I love you" but after a time, they are just simply words.  I don't want to know it or hear it.  I want to feel it.  I know, somewhere, there is more to love than just pain. 

[deletes]

Love, intimacy, pain, pleasure.  Trust, honesty, transparency. 

The good, the bad.  The darkness and the light.  Messy and complicated. 

I know, someday, I will meet someone that has to own me as much as I need to be owned.  I know, somewhere, I will meet someone that values love more than anything else.  I believe there are still some that can move mountains to get what they want.  I just hope that, one day, a good man will want me enough to move heaven and earth to be with me.

I hope, someday, to find someone as willing as I am to be honest, open and loving.

Then, I hope he allows me to accept everything He is.  The good, the ugly, the dark and the sensual.

Yep, I'm a romantic.  Damnit.

So, I was sitting in chat, minding my own business (lol), when a chat troll started talking with me.  I say with me because I did not know it was a troll until it was too late. 

After reading my profile and giving me a hard time about being dominant AND submissive (lol), he asked the oddest question...

"So any man that you let dominate you is in danger, isn't he?" 

What a question.

I do not allow/let men dominate me.  That would say I was in control.  Either a man can or he cannot dominate me.  It really IS that simple. 

There has been One in all my years that could control me.  I still don't fully understand His ability to do so. 

I understand the concept of control but, knowing what goes on in my brain, I don't understand what it is about HIM that commands me even when I don't wish to be commanded.   When I want to run away and a simple word like stay can actually make me do so...

Im sure many believe they have the answer but I doubt anyone can define it other than Fate.

Sadly, Fate hates me.  Just my luck.  I was born to serve, to worship, to feel, to touch and to love and Fate dangles a carrot just out of reach.  "See what could be"  So many people take for granted all the goodness, pleasure and love in their lives.  Always looking for what they think they deserve.  I'm a little more honest with myself.  I don't deserve better than what I have everyday.  I wish for more, who doesn't, but I am given only what I deserve and I earn everything else. 

Some things, no matter how hard we work, cannot be earned. 

Some things are not meant to be.

Wow, I sat down to share a tidbit from chat and I end up in some emotional rant. 

that's me, in a nutshell!

Do not mistake me.

I am weakest when strong

Strongest when weak

She opened the letter and tears filled her eyes.

How silly was she to hope for the symbol to be replaced.

How selfish was she to want more than what was given.

How wrong was she to resent the material things.

She let the tears fall for only a moment, then pulled herself together and felt the numbness over take her.

Numb was so much better than emptiness, loneliness and pain.

What broke wasn't replaced.  A message she ignored for too long. 

Hope dies as it began...

empty.

Beauty for me.

I don't think I'm vain.  I don't put makeup on to go to the grocery store or spend hours in the bathroom just to step outside.

I don't overdress for every event.

I do, however, take care of myself. 

When I look down at my hands, I enjoy seeing well cared for nails.  I adore catching a glimpse of my toes when I walk.  I like running my finger throw my hair and feeling healthy soft hair.  The feel of soft lotioned skin, even in the winter.

When others appreciate all that, it's just a bonus.

That's right.

I take care of myself simply for myself. 

I might dress to please men (sexy).

I might dress to please women (trendy).

Everyday, though, I dress for me.

Even when I am not going out, I wear what will please me that day.  It's one of the simple pleasures I am allowed in life. 

I would not be owned by someone that would want to change that in me.  Not that I don't/won't wear what He wants me to wear.  I would always.  I simply wouldn't be with someone that wants to change my core. 

I am not an actress and it's too exhausting to role play. 

Fit is important in more than just desires.

Fit is important in tastes and goals, too.

I am not saying they have to be the same; how boring would that be?

No, they just have to compliment each other.

Mesh, and all that.

So, when you hear my comments about beauty or personal care, don't think I am judging you or vain.

I'm simply sharing my point of view as it relates to my life.

(smelling nice is awesome, too)

Owned. 

Yes, I am.

Owned.

Probably for life.

Owned.

Still alone.

Owned.

It is always His choice.

Owned.

I get asked, "If you are alone, how can you be Owned?" 

I am sorry but I stare at that question and part of me laughs and the other part just shakes my head.  If you have to ask the question, my answer will never make sense.

I am Owned by an amazing, loving, strong, controlled and honorable man.  He is everything I never knew I wanted but is everything I need.  Darkness to my light.  Light for my darkness. 

It is not for me to explain His choices.  They are His.  I fight them.  I love them.  I hate them (yes, I know).  I accept them.

When the right Owner comes and claims you, it does not end with His absence.  If He chooses to walk away, if He dies, if He stays, that claim is His. 

The next question was, "How weak do you have to be to live that way?"

My answer:

"Only the weak would ask that."

If today were your last...

     If this was your last day, your last week, would you be happy with the life you are currently living or would you change it.  Would you hold closer the one you are with or be with another?  Would you thank your friends for enriching your life or look around for new ones?  Would you go to the job you love or quit the one you hate?

If today was the last day of your life, would it be a good one?

Never leave a thinker alone with her thoughts...

     During my run and shower today, I let my brain run with thoughts of denial.  I was trying to separate denial from the Demon Hope. 

     Is it denial that I experience each day when I log on or is it that Demon?  Am I lying to myself about obvious signs in front of me or am I possessed by a Demon?  Is it an honest perception that keeps me on my path or am I pulling the wool over my own eyes?  Maybe I am allowing another to do it?

     Am I a hypocrite?  Do I really pretend not to understand denial and then wade through it each day? 

     Is it still denial if fear is the reason you don't change it? 

     I suppose, as long as you see the truth, it doesn't matter if it's fear or not, it's still denial.  Or maybe I am my own enabler? 

     Maybe tomorrows run will give me more info.

     I read a line in a book once about relationships.  It said, "If you go into the relationship thinking, what can he do for me, you have already doomed the relationship."

     I think this is partially true. 

     I truly believe I am here to make His life easier, better and happier.  I believe that in my soul.  I believe, too, that the fit should be right first.

     I know I've said this before but, I believe people are too eager for companionship, sex, and love to take the proper time to find the right fit.  I don't see a point in jumping into things and hoping for a good result. 

     I was reading profiles on another site and found many service types that listed everything THEY needed/wanted in a relationship.  There were many words on requirements for Masters, a job description, as it were.

     Doesn't a shopping list limit you?  Do we all truly know ourselves and our needs so well that we can close our minds to all other options out there? 

     When the love of my life came along, I had no idea He was what I was looking for.  Hell, I didn't even have a clue He was everything I needed.  I thought I was so smart and knew myself so well. 

     I guess what I am trying to say it, instead of jumping into things and then blaming everyone else for the relationships tragic ending, set your wants aside (do not forget them) and look for the Dominant that will help you learn what is deep inside you.  Find the One that you fit, because I can guarantee He will also fit you, and THEN jump.

I have always been overly opinionated about settling.  I have preached against the idea.  I wonder, though, if there might be a time when settling is ok.

Could it be that there is a time when settling is not only an option but the solution?

When you've tasted paradise. 

When you found everything you didn't know you were looking for and then watched it slowly fade away.

When the Owner of your heart and soul...

Well, anyway...

When the choice becomes loving someone and being alone or liking someone and being with them. 

What do you choose? 

When do you get to make the choice?

When is the choice no longer His?  Is there a forfeit date?  Or will the choice always be His?

Being used by someone you like or being alone for someone you love?

Shakespeare had it right

To be or not to be...

I'm a fairly light person.  I love to laugh and I find beauty and pleasure in many things.

Today, however, I feel darkness edging closer.  Not a bad thing, at all.  Well, not like some think.  This is a craving, a need.  Like a force pulling at me, whispering to me. 

A hand grabbing my leash and pulling me along a path I cannot see. 

I find pleasure in darkness but not today.  Today, I feel the emptiness.  Darkness is best shared.  Edges pushed, pulled.  Yes, two is best for Darkness.

I find it funny that men seem to be either threatened by women that know and love cars/racing or simply believe we don't exist.  They think we are men hiding as women.  Now, Im sure some men do this but really, what for?  NO!  Don't answer that, my mind is enough of a wasteland.

I love cars, I have since I was a little girl.  I love the sounds and smells of cars.  I love driving most.  I fell in love with racing just before I got my drivers license.  Street racing, back in the day.  I would never do it today but in the old days, young dumb and knowing everything, we were as careful as we could be. 

I worked hard to get my race license and then worked hard to prove to the men that I had a right to be there.  Being not so bad on the eyes made it harder.  But, I did it.  I earned that respect and now I find myself in the same hole.

The difference is...

I don't care.  I don't care if someone thinks Im a man disguised as a woman.  I don't care if men find me threatening.  I have learned that I am enough. 

I understand that I value the proper things in life and that what is truly important is important to me.  I value beauty in even the smallest things.

With elegance and grace, I will walk this path...but I will do it with my own style.

    I wish the weather was better here.  It seems the grey skies loved us a bit more than usual this year.  I was hoping for a walk at the marina in the sun.  I guess a cup of tea under the outdoor heater before my walk will have to do.

Have a fabulous day!

I decided to rejoin this site today.  I'm not sure why.  I come, get overwhelmed and run. 

LOL I just wrote quite a long entry and found it all too personal to share.  Maybe I will try another day.