shypervertedbbw

You know when you have longed and craved for something so bad for so long

..to feel at home and in your place - protected but beneath the Shadow

Yet you become accustomed to the wolves and coyotes lurking - selfish in his only desire to kill

that you tremble when your deepest desire summons itself right before your eyes

your heart races as you know it is on the other side of that door

growling..sniffing...waiting to give you what you Need

you are afraid to open it as you know it is real and bigger than you imagined

would you open that door

Its one f those nights

The one where your body sceams out

Needs to feel the hard slap

The soft caress

I feel like a caged animal

Prancing back and forth in my mind

Waiting to release this sexual agression inside me

Feels like right before a big thunder storm

Theres electricty in the air

I want to scream out of pleasure joy pain

It almost feels like i am suffocating

Needing this to breath

I really hate it when in light of self control, you start to get butterflies for someone only to have that flicker of passion put out..i hate that feeling

You should always trust your gut feeling girls..dont ignore that voice that senses something is off cos it is..

My interest in this site is quickly fading away

It is not, unfortunately what i expected or desire

90% of the men are predators, liars or fakes

The other 10% are over 50

It is hard not to get discouraged

What I think to be a genuine and respectful man turns out to be the contrary

Its like I give away little parts of my secret garden to those who disregard the true reason I am here

Men will say anything or drive looonngg distances to get laid

Until they start charging men to be here, this will continue

It is sad that these wolves drive the real me's away into the night

How many times to I have to ride this carousel before I get off

I met someone and they asked me what I needed..was hard to give an answer at first but now, it is clear:

I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You.  To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship.  Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You.  I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all  I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits.  I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent.  I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior.  Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me.  From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me.  It's not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress.  Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits.  I need to grow and to be challenged.  Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning.   I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been.  I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles.  I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me.  I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher.   My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be.   This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. 

I need to be corrected.  I need You to correct me when I make mistakes.   Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals.  Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake.  Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end.  I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need You to be my role-model.  I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps.  If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late.  I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations.  I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance.  I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals.  I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions.  I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself.  I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words.   I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say.  You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing.   There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding.  Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes.  I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully.  I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes.  I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing.  Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You.  Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends.  It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying.  I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness.  I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute.  I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need.  My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts.  Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together.  To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me.  Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also.  I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes.  Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me.  Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts.   All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You.   I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You.  Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature.  This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit.  It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most.  I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You.  I also need to share in the things You are.   Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles.  I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership.  No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You.  Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love.  By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target.  I need to be loved and to love You in return.  I can't survive without it.

Need a play session tonight...

ever feel like a robot

thats what i feel like

i was programed to think a certain way, act a certain away

expectations are clear: work hard and be succssful

everyday it's the same routine

i admire the guys standing outside the box

i worry too much about what other people think

i wish i saw myself the way others see me

i wish i were more sponateous

i want someone to live for

its beautiful out, the sun is shining and warming yet my heart is sunken and sad today

im disappointed in myself. again, i waited around for someone that didnt show

my experience here has either been meeting fake men who give themselves the title  of Dom without knowing the meaning

or

with Dom's that i have not clicked with. the age is posing an issue

men are making me pissed off and unsatisfied. no wonder there are so many women Dominatrix

maybe i picked the wrong :I am..."

I am a loving woman. Probably the best mate you could have. I will treat you like a King and make you the happiest man alive. I am a princess and my castle is my body. My castle may have too many bricks and not enough windows but I still live there. Are you willing to see past that and walk though the door??

i have found myself at this same place mentally so many times ive lost count. On top of that it is such a boring and redundant topic it even bores me yet it has been the cause of most of my heartache in my life.

it is as much an old friend as it is my worst enemy. It has comforted me when i was lonely and has always kept me from being the best that I can be. This is of course food and my weight. this thing that brings us closer together can be deadly as it can show love.

how I always longed to be that girl. to walk into a room and not be invisible. to have all eyes on me. god how that must make me sound vain when in reality, i am not.

i have wondered a many nights wondering why i could not get in control of this one aspect in my life. it has always controlled me.

thank god i was blessed with a nice face and intelligence  but im sick of being the cute chubby chick with the great personality.

im talking with someone. i know what i am feeling is lust although the conversation feels good. i dont even know what he looks like. not even sure i am attracted to the guy yet i know in reality, i am not his type of girl and that saddens me. i am far from being a Trophy Wife. is it wrong to continue talking. theres no sex involved. just pure talk. life is too short right.

i read back to my last journal entry when i talk about the same thing. my new routine lasted for 2 weeks and then back to the same habits and then i get sad.

those that know me know that i demonstrate confidence and do not pity myself whatsoever but that is sometimes a facade. i just want to be the best that i can be for me and those that i love and take care of. again, i think back to my desire to participate in a triathlon. theres one in 9mths and i almost registered but got freaked out. thinking i would never accomplish that.

im sick of fighting with this. my ammo is running low but it cannot win. i need to gather my energy and do this..once and for all..ive done it before but it was for someone else, not me and this time i want to do it for me. i deserve to be happy.

this is my last attempt..everyone around me knows this is it. i need that support and army so we can kick this motherfucker in the butt!  

i am talking with someone

i can't get them out of my head for some reason

i dont have high hopes - he deserves better

either way, he's lite a flame in me somehow

i hope that i am not being fooled

he's good if i am