SFVsubboi

I am finally happy again.  Feels good.  I feel like my old self

Feeling sad today.  Been hurting the past couple of weeks, but today i just feel a hole in my chest, and it hurts when the wind blows through it

All I can say is wow

You say you are a Domme, so that means you can write to someone and be rude in your first email.  FUCK YOU!!!!! Did i ask you to write me? No! Have nothing good to say, that don't fucking write!!!!!

Don't need a fake money grubbing bitch telling me anything.  Learn some maners and stop fucking using this lifestyle!

Had to drive out to San Bernardino today.  What a hell hold!

Haven't written on here in a while.  This weekend marks my 30th bday.  I am mostly excited to be getting out of my 20s, but i am also a little sad.  Its the end of a part of my life where so much has happened; both good and bad.

I am welcoming my next chapter of life with open arms, but still as a submissive makes me wonder what 30s has in store for me.

Not entirely sure where my emotions are these days.  Seem to be moving in all sorts of different directions.

i miss things, but i at a loss of what i want to do.

Been doing much better as of late.  Think it is because i have been keeping someone in my heart and thinking about the good.  Still miss her and want to be there to serve, but I have to live with the way things are at this time.

Tonight i came home from hockey after coaching my kids, and just felt sad.  Usually i feel so happy after coaching.  Feel like i have done good and are teaching these kids so many wonderful life lessons.  It is one of the most gratifying things i have in my life - giving back to the community.

Anyways, i came home tonight, and just felt sad.  Felt empty and alone.  Something i have been trying to get away from that feeling.  i guess because they were on my mind, just came home feeling - down.

Feeling way better.  Happy, good about myself and what i have to offer.

Feels good to be planning events again.  Keeps my brain moving, and feeling busy.  i have noticed that in the past two weeks, i have been exercising probably 50% more.  No surprise because usually when things are bothering me, i exercise.

i remember when my first girl friend broke up with me, i drove from her house straight to the gym.  i was in tears till i got there.  Once there, i couldn't cry.  My body wouldn't let me.  i remember working myself so hard, when i got home, i literally fell on the floor the moment i walked in the door.  Worked my body till it went numb.  i noticed lately i have been playing hockey almost 5 nights a week. 

i have been working so hard to keep myself happy, or at least busy.  i have filled my life with hockey again.  Playing ice three days a week, roller one, coaching little league hockey, USC football, reffing, and a new job.  Somehow, amidst all of that, the sad finds its way.  

My mom always said i have always been sensitive, and its true.  i cry, and really don't hide it.  i don't like to hurt others feelings, and try to be a good person.  Lately i have found myself trying so hard to hide the tears.  

Being busy hasn't been the problem.  i have been so happy when i have been busy, but in down times, the curiosity gets the best of me, and i have to look.  i have to see.  With everytime it just brings the sadness back.  

i don't know how to get past it.  i think i purposely closed myself off for this reason, and a few others.  Not to get involved with people.  The only problem is, the heart wants what it wants.  Sometimes things can't be fought off.  When that person where the energy is intoxicating, and you don't leave eachothers company for days.  Its something wonderful, but when its gone, it just leaves so much hurt, it is hard to fill that hole.

i don't know what else i can do to keep myself busy so i can stay happy.  Just is hard.  Hard to lose that piece of you that you love.  No matter what the reason, heartbreak always feels the same.  

emotions cannot be stopped, and although ownership may runout, that doesn't mean the feelings don't.  It also is hard to just turn off submission.  If someone still loves and feels their D/s it doesn't go away.  i can't just turn it off.

Part of being a good slave is sticking by ones Owner in good or bad.  Right now, all i want is to be part and at Her side.  Its hard to be on the outside and be pushed away.  All i want to do is help and be there.  It is who i am, and also part of being a good slave.

Guess things are hard for me right now.  i struggle with it everyday, and just wish i could be close again.

i spend so long trying to force myself not to see what She is doing.  i log on just hoping that she has even taken a look at me so that i know that at some point she is thinking about me.  Every time though, i log on and nothing is waiting.  i try to fight the urge not to look, but it always over powers me.

i am sad again today.  i have been trying so hard to stay positive and keep busy, but it always finds a way of catching up.  

my heart is hurt and my head is heavy.  Pretty hard to be positive right now.  i have felt on the urge of tears all day.

The past 24 hours, i have felt like crap.  Just feel bad.  Heart hurts.

i am actually really surprised, really excited for my birthday this Friday

I have to say, life has been pretty good, and getting better.  Really happy with how life is moving.