Seraphim101

Been a while since I've posted to my journal. Well, a re-tooling of the profile was needed and now that *that* is done, I'll be working on the journal next! Still at a loss, still haven't found the right one, still actively looking. Stay tuned :)

~k

The next topic: Long Distance D/s vs. Face to face D/s

For years i have yearned, wanted, desired, heck, even needed face to face domination. i'm a sub, not a slave, so service could only be done in person. Cleaning, cooking, even my fetishes of T&D, smothering, queening, facesitting could only be done in person. Everytime i think i've found the perfect D/s dynamic, travel gets in the way. Japan trips this year alone took up 5-6 months! Add in Seattle for a few weeks and Jacksonville for 2 months and it becomes obvious that attempting to continue face to face relations against such towering odds will equal utter defeat. i'm admittedly looking into LDR dynamics. Submission could be through written tasks or research. Fetishes could be played out on a webcam. But for all of this secondary wonderful thought, it still doesn't compare to F2F time. i'm out of options to find a Domme who shares my thoughts on few subs, one dominant who lives in my region and who doesn't mind going online for the weeks/months until i'm back. i've considered a distance KeyHolder for chastity, but that is just me giving up my orgasms, not me submitting. i could cut my balls off and achieve the same result. (i'd never, though... i like my balls too much.) So here i sit, writing my journal, trying to figure out where i'm going wrong and why i can never find my elusive perfect D/s relationship. **sigh**

Self realization topic today: my love of smothering. This topic is very near and der to my heart, so much to the point that i'm seriously making custom smother chairs. But why? Why is it that the thought of a Woman's weight on my face, cutting off my very breath so enchanting and intoxicating? Well, i'm a big strong guy, so maybe giving up that "Big, Strong Guyness" as being a struggling seat is what does it. Maybe it's the humiliation. It could very well be that my submission makes it's way out in the form of being a smotheree. Maybe it's the joy of a Lady having power over my very being. (safe, sane and consensually, of course... kinda like living, ha ha.) If She lets me please her, all the better. If i can get some pleasure out of it, what a wonderful reward. But the thing is that it's seperate for me than some other things associated with it. Some people would say breath-play is what i'm talking about, but that includes HOM, Knee Smother, Bagging, and all other sorts of things. None of those appeal to me. Just a Lady sitting, and shifting every so often so i can catch a breath. Some would put it in the category of Facesitting, grouping Facesitting, Queening and Smothering all together. Nay, i say again, because i consider facesitting as orally inclined and queening as humiliation- no pleasing, just showing a sub his or her proper place. Smothering is WAY different. In all actuality, there is no self realization here. i always hope that by putting things into readable words, i may figure something out, but this time, i just know i like it.

Being a submissive as well as having an interest in psychology, i sometimes question why i like some of the kink related things that i do. Chastity, for example... i'm a guy, yes. i'm a strong guy, true. i'm a good-looking chap... well, that's left to opinion, but if it wasn't for my love of being submissive and my fondness for chastity, i could be getting off like crazy. So what is it that makes me want to submit to locking myself (rather having myself locked, but such is not the case, ha ha) up? Ah, but there is the trigger word- submit. The joy of giving over one's pleasure to ensure proper service is performed first. i would rather do a hundred dishes by hand and be rewarded with an 'O' than do nothing and receive one. The former is due to hard work to achieve a goal, the latter is stripping myself and whatever Lady of any work to get said reward. Submission... a gift and a curse, the double edged sword... how i love it!