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Strykersixnine
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I am a mother, first and foremost. I can not have anymore children, and will not be bred. I am also a bbw and is trying to lose weight but again, motivation is a key component.
I am looking for FRIENDS, and CAN NOT RELOCATE. I have a sense of duty to my family and will not leave them again.
I've been asked what I'm here looking for: Here Is my answer: What do I look for? Honesty, a willingness to lead, self sufficiency, honor, dignity, grace, power in their dominance, humility, poise, an ability to anticipate my needs, pleasure in praising for a job well done, and last but not least: the knowledge to say yes at times. I don't want a Dom who just wants me to be a mindless succubus, I want someone with a brain in their head and a thirst for knowledge. When I say I want the ability to say yes, I mean that at times I can get carried away with the things I do and I want them to kind of pull me back and say, you're getting carried away. You've got to slow down. Here, let me spoil you for a while..... I'm a workaholic and at times I neglect myself so having my Dominant say that means they genuinely care for me and that they can force me to put aside my work mode and relax.... I'll fully admit I'm perfectionist and I look for the same in my Dom. If its worth doing well, its worth over doing it.
I have been trained in quite a number of disciplines in BDSM and the Gorean lifestyles but my skills are useless unless I have someone to serve . I have references available upon request of the right Dominant. I will also provide face pic and email address when I feel I am comfortable enough. I continue my search but I am not hopeful I will find the one I seek.
LET ME BE PERFECTLY CLEAR: ignoring my health concerns or calling me a fake because i wont bow down and surrender my will to yours isn't cause for calling me a fake. I AM FAR MORE REAL THAN MOST DOMINANTS KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
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Going to be closing this profile. Too much has gone on and too many fakes waste my time when I'm still only looking for friendship. |
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Yesterday was a hard day. My ex got in touch. Seems she has kidney cancer. She also confessed she still cares about me. I can't deny that it still brings a tear to my eye thinking about what would have happened if we'd just gone to bed that night, stayed away from the computer and if I'd done my duties better.
But its in the past. There is nothing I can do to change it, except learn what I will never put up with again. If my Dom/me lays a single hand on me outside negotiations, its over right then and there. I WILL WALK. I don't care if they believe it was warranted, its abuse and I won't stand for it. I'm a human first, a woman second, a mother third, and s slave fourth. I know my duties. I will not fail. |
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'Being like you are/ Well this is something else/ Who would comprehend/ That some bad do lay claim/ Divine purpose blesses them /Thats not what I believe /And it doesn't matter anyway" VNV Nation- Illusion. This song reminds me of a time where I would dance in the arms of another, still very much in love with them. But it was an illusion. The dream soon to be shattered by the cruel hand. |
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http://m.metrolyrics.com/elegy-lyrics-leaves-eyes.html
There are so many lyrics that flood my brain on a daily basis, but this song is the one I woke up with this morning. |
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Thought I'd found some new friends. Looks like they've disappeared on me. Makes me sad. |
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Spent the day looking after my daughter and working. I accomplished nothing at work today. Little one is teething too much and seems to be power napping again. Sigh....
I had a long talk with a friend about what makes me who I am. He's of the belief that I am a creation of circumstance. Should things have been different, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I'd never met my trainer, I would still be a shy, naive and broken hearted girl who pines after her first love.
But here I am today, 4 days away from my 27th birthday and looking at the steel collar I wore non stop for over a year. It hurts that it sits, unused after nearly 18 months single. It hurts even more to know that this last year, I've been celibate when I should be out enjoying my freedom.
What point is there, when all I feel is more trapped than if I'd been locked in a cage? |
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It's 2:50 am and I've been unable to sleep. I'm tired, yes, but my mind is refusing to shut off tonight. It keeps thinking about what my life would be like once I'm owned again, what duties I'll have, will I be able to fall back into that routine of looking after another while still taking care of a household and being submissive? What is my life going to look Luke after someone finally seesme for the person I am and loves all of me, not just my submission?
Is there anyone out there who is real enough in their commitment to accept my collar and lead me? Or will I end up in a string of broken relationships where I give my all and get nothing in return except my spirit rebroken and my psyche smashed to bits again.
My biggest fear is living in another love less relationship where I give my heart and its broken to the point where when I'm finally released, I do something stupid like sleeping with the first Dom who gives me the affection I crave... That's why I have my daughter. She was the result of almost a year of a nonsexual relationship because my ex was sleeping with someone else.
I latch onto relationships, whether friendship or not because I'm insecure about being good enough.
I guess that's all I should say tonight. Night CM.
Secret. |
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Journal entry 2.
I have a song running through my head that is reflecting a conflicting emotional need within me. I want to trust but I'm scared to. I've been hurt before but I'm tired of hiding. I can't take a chance if I look before I leap.
Dirtroad Anthem: Jason Alden
Bottoms Up: ?
There is so much of myself left to discover. I'm scared I've only tapped the surface. I want deeper but I fear going down that rabbit hole and never coming out again. |
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So I've been asked to start writing a journal:
Well here are my thoughts as of late....
Music seems to be a focal point, the melody influences how things are perceived.
Miranda Lambert: Gunpowder and Lead.
It's a serious song about domestic violence. I can't help but wonder if, when I was in a similar situation, if I wouldn't have done the same thing if I'd had the chance.
Tim McGraw: Truck Yeah
It's about letting your hair down, spending time with friends you like and riding around in your truck. I love it for the simple fact he has a nice ass, but more importantly, it reminds me to relax.
Blake Shelton: Doing what she likes
It reminds me what I give could be reciprocated at a later time and that its not always the complicated things that make a moment.
Another thought is that at times I can be impatient. I want things now, because I've always been made to wait for everything. My birthday is on Tuesday, March 4th. I'll be 27. It just seems so long ago that I was turning 26 and finding out I was pregnant with a play partners / fuck buddy/ potential Doms child. He isn't around to watch his daughter grow up and it pisses me off.
Anyways my Munchkin is waking up and I need to get back to work.
XOXO secret |
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My birthday is on March 4th, I will 27 and since becoming an adult, I've had but one birthday party. I can't even really call it a birthday party because I spent 99% of my birthday keeping an eye on my ex who got shit faced. But I think I news a birthday party to blow off some steam. |
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This is when you know your a kinky mother..... My daughters in the grabbing stage, so what do I do? I give her my hair and let her grab and pull on it however long she wanted to.... She's now snoring softly beside me and I realize how sad my life is at times like this.... |
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I get asked frequently what I'm looking for..... Here I'd my answer: What do I look for? Honesty, a willingness to lead, self sufficiency, honor, dignity, grace, power in their dominance, humility, poise, an ability to anticipate my needs, pleasure in praising for a job well done, and last but not least: the knowledge to say yes at times. I don't want a Dom who just wants me to be a mindless succubus, I want someone with a brain in their head and a thirst for knowledge. When I say I want the ability to say yes, I mean that at times I can get carried away with the things I do and I want them to kind of pull me back and say, you're getting carried away. You've got to slow down. Here, let me spoil you for a while..... I'm a work a holic and at times I neglect myself so having my Dom say that means they genuinely care for me and that they can force me to put aside my work mode and relax.... I'll fully admit I'm perfectionist and I look for the same in my Dom. If its worth doing well, its worth over doing it. |
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Been called many petty names but fat whore is not one I enjoy. There is one Alberta Dom (whom I'm quite willing to divulge the name of) who thinks because he refuses to wear a condom and I'm not able to take birth control because of a medical issue that any child created would be given up for adoption. When I said that he has no right to ask that of a woman let alone a slave, and that his demands deserved to have his mother bitchslap him for it, he gotall up in arms and told me I wasn't a True slave.... I've spent 10 years combined total between Dominant and slave. I've spent more time on my knees serving than your average hooker. But yet, because I DARED to challenge him, I'm a fake..... *shakes my head* I'm a slave,not a mindless supplicant whore. |
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I've spent the last few months thinking, what is it that makes me desire to serve, to please and drives my submission? One answer comes to mind: my heart. It alone beats for me to serve, aches because I've found so few in whom I can serve and trips with joy when even the most mundane tasks around my family are asked of me. It yearns for the One I can fall in love with, who can love me in return, the confusion, the joy, the weaknesses, the strength, the slave that is all of me. It wants what it wants, who am I to deny it? |
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I know a little about myself, so here are a few things I know: I'm a pain slut to the right Dominant. I'm a mother to a beautiful two month old little girl. I'm a sadistic girl who thinks up the most evil punishments for myself. I'm a little but few know it. I'm a baby girl to the right Daddy. I'm a service slave who will bend over backwards to please the One i serve. I'm an ex cadet with a joy for shining boots and shoes. I can bring a shine to almost any leather, minus suede. I walk softly and speak softer when I have to. I wear my own steel collar. When I cry in scene, it never means stop. It's a release of emotion I held back. It could just be from a warm up (soft) flogger and I'll cry, but they are cleansing tears. I've yet to stop a scene. I have never had cause to use a safe word but I push myself hard and can cause injury to myself if my Top doesn't watch my body language. I'm quite often silent when I should speak, but vocal when I should stay silent. |
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Please stay warm and have a happy holiday season with plenty of food and family and friends. |
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I talked to my old Sir and Trainer tonight. He still makes me melt with the tone of his voice.... He found it funny I wanted to get strapped, face down, spread eagle and have him fuck me silly while growling in my ear how much I'm his little whore, his slut, and how much I'm going to be punished for the 8.5 years I've been gone.... I damn near came in my panties from his voice alone ... |
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What is with people? Because I don't fit your little box of how a slave should be, how I'm too opinionated, and because I have a child I will put first and protect with my life, I'm worth you blocking me when you haven't even spoken to me?
Argh, you self absorbed prick.... I'm sorry, I shouldn't say things like that.... I'm a slave, I should act like one..... |
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Been on here for less than 12 hours and seem to have offended 3 Dominants with my "attitude". My family will Always come first and if a Dominant can not understand that, I feel like they won't respect my submission.
On the topic of my name, the secret part comes from the fact I'm highly involved on the vanilla community with the family business. The kajira part comes from the fire I bring to my submission. My slavery is never to be taken lightly, just the same as I will never take the Dominance a Dominant shows me as a frivolous toy.
This is not just my hobby, this is my LIFE.
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| Age: 34 |
| Beograd,
Serbia |
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