saoirse2

I read in some male Dom profiles that they see too many "fakes" looking for money.  I don't see that at all as a sub.  I see male "Doms" looking for cyber sex with a twist, and sad males who want sex and think that a submissive is the same thing as a slut who will sleep with anyone. 

Also many, many who start asking me what I like and it's obvious they have not read my profile or my journal.  Not making that little bit of effort to actually read what is here just sends you down a dead-end alley as far as I'm concerned.

I still believe there are gems here. 

Really love the show Flashpoint.  Of course, all of the men are sexy, but I especially am drawn to Hugh Dillon and Enrico Colantoni. 

There's something about a NY State Trooper.  I interact with them regularly in the course of my work.  They make me want to break the law ;) 

Years ago I wrote a Dom/Sub story called The Trooper.  I have since lost it, and attempts to rewrite it has been unsatisfying. 

I do have a fetish for uniforms - police, military and the like - any organization that is trained in take downs, overcoming resistance, securing suspects, that sort of thing.  They seem to have that elusive sense of confidence and command of the situation that just jolts me in the best places.

Nothing better than a hot take down scene, except maybe the way the way the Dominant softly states his commands with that indescribable sense of power that melts my resistance.

My favorite toy is the flogger.  St Andrews cross, big heavy flogger, pushing the breath out of my lungs with each strike.  All up and down my shoulders, back, butt, thighs...  Getting into the rhythm, swaying, tingly warm feeling spreading from where it hits down to my fingertips and toes.  Off to subspace, and the next thing I know you are wrapping me in my fuzzy blanket...

Who's my ideal Dominant?  He can look mainstream and be comfortable in the vanilla world, but he's also fond of dressing up or down for the occasion.  He's proud of his skills, but also interested in learning new skills and techniques.  He views other Dominants as colleagues.  He's creative - likes to try new things.  He loves the idea of a helpless submissive.  He enjoys a good wrestling take down, but he might instead demand complete submission.  He's got the devil in him and likes to play mind games.  He's confident.  He never says "are you ok?"  Instead he trusts me to use my safe word as much as I trust him to respect my safe word.  After a scene he enfolds me in warmth and softness.

This man will earn my complete devotion.  If I can find him.

I'm a paramedic, so pretty much all of the time I am in charge, making decisions on how to treat patients, telling my partner what to do and when.  Or I'm keeping an eye on what's going on, ready to step in if something goes wrong.  Sometimes it's pretty intense, sometimes very routine, but bottom line the buck stops here - I'm responsible.

I say that because one of my theories on submission is that it is a relief and a release from having to shoulder day to day responsibility.  Yes, there are doormats who submit to anyone and anything, but what I crave is someone who can assume control of a scene (like I do at work) and take that responsibility off my shoulders.  Take charge, make me helpless, make decisions for me, be strong, and understand how powerfully intoxicating that is and how much I crave and need it.

Some Dominants have that natural aura.  There is no doubt who is in charge the minute He walks in the room.  The calm demeanor belies the strength within.

Just ordered something I've been wanting for a while - a ball gag harness.  I'm too good at spitting them out!

I have a dream I'm at Starbucks, enjoying a nice Sumatra, maybe an apple fritter.  Sitting in a cushy chair, watching something on my Kindle Fire.  I take a quick break for the ladies room and return, and shortly thereafter begin to feel funny.  I start packing up, thinking I should go home, when this handsome, strong man offers to help me.  I lean on him and he smells really nice.  We get outside to the tables where I have to sit down again.  I'm really out of it now.  He offers to give me a ride home in his convertible...  He half carries me there and off we go.  I promptly fall asleep, only to awaken in a lovely bedroom.  I try to roll over and realize that I am securely fastened spread-eagled.

Take it from there!

Yep, was in the hospital for a few days.  Healed completely.  Glad I'm better!

As I step over his threshold, I am barely in the door and he fastens a plain leather collar around my neck.  Then he opens my bag and places my personal leather cuffs on my wrists.  I'm stunned.  No "getting to know you", sitting around the kitchen table discussing limits over iced tea.  He sees my surprise and reminds me that we already did discuss limits online.  I told him online that as I cross his threshold I am his for that time.  And he takes me at my word.  Nobody has ever taken me at my word and the thrill of it shakes me all over.  He instructs me to proceed up the stairs, and the smart ass in me just has to test his resolve.  I don't move.  In one swift and very sure motion, my hands are pinioned behind my back and I'm forced to my knees.  A snap and my wrists are secured together.  With what?  Off balance, he lifts me by my wrists to my feet.  I struggle to stand, feeling much more respectful.  Again, with a softer, lower, slower, and firmer voice, a dangerous voice, he instructs me to go up.  Compliant but still wary, I move towards the stairs...

This was a real scenario that was followed by a very long and satisfying session for both of us.  I tested him several other times, he tested me A LOT.  He never asked if I was ok - he trusted me to use my safe word, I trusted him to respect it.  I never had to use it.  (I'm really not that hard to read and I can be pushed pretty hard.)  He told me what he liked, and he told me what he didn't like.  I became clay and made me into what he wanted.

What I crave is to be taken.  To be owned.  To feel the raw power of a man, both physically and mentally.  My response to that is that I become an object to fulfill HIS needs, to be the object of HIS fantasy. 

Bind me. Conquer me.  Enslave me.  And make me into what you desire.

What a true sub wants is the Dominant's pleasure.  A sub might really like certain types of play but if the Dominant isn't into those things, it is not satisfying for the sub.  A true sub will strive to find out what that Dom needs and wants.  If it's pushing the envelope for her, she will make her best effort to be whatever the Dom needs her to be, do whatever the Dom needs her to do. 

I've gotten a lot more open minded over the years because I have found that when I have been compelled to do something I wouldn't normally choose to do, I find the delight expressed by the Dom intoxicating.  Truly the end justifies the means.  And my interests always seem to be expanding.

I wonder if the Dom gets a thrill out of the process too - it must be a very satisfying experience to know that a sub will sacrifice her comfort zone to make her best effort to please the Dom.

It occurred to me today that vanilla relationships don't typically start with group or couples "play".  They (should) get together and do things together until they develop trust at which point the relationship progresses.  Maybe I am being a little too arbitrary about meeting people and am in the process excluding trustworthy people that would be great to spend time with. 

That being said, there is a difference between heading into the bedroom in a vanilla relationship, and heading into the bedroom prepared to be rendered completely helpless.  The level of trust does have to be quite a lot higher.  Not only trust that the person you are with is not a serial killer, but that the person has good judgment and an ability to abide by limits.

So...  I will consider one-on-one.  But there will have to be a number of meetings before we play.  There are ways to achieve some sort of safety with safe calls and references...

The phrase "met your match"...  It has a lot of depth.  It can mean simply that you found your equal.  Or you have met someone who can defeat you.  Or to take it literally, you have met the one who matches you - a soulmate as it were.

There is equality in BDSM - but maybe the better word is balance.  The power balances on both sides of the equation.

But "someone who can defeat me" rings very strongly for me.  I crave being conquered.  I can't submit completely without being conquered - physically, mentally, emotionally.  I've been conquered physically (not particularly difficult) and mentally (pretty difficult), but never emotionally.  Is there someone who can conquer me emotionally?  Maybe not.  I haven't been looking for that connection - it would have to find me.

The one who matches me - does he exist?  I do believe we have many potential soulmates on this earth.  Limits of geography, personal situations, and other factors put those potential matches out of reach.

I think the one who matches me will likely be in the same mental frame of mind as I am.  A bit cautious about emotional attachment due to previous bad relationships...  Maybe we will meet outside of the lifestyle and be delighted with our common interest.  Or maybe we will meet in the lifestyle and be delighted that we are so compatible.

Or maybe I'll live my life with great friends and play partners...  Which would be just fine...

So I finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.  Not sure what my overall opinion of it is.  On one hand, the characters evolved greatly over the course of the book which is always interesting.  But believability is pretty light - meeting a young, handsome, gazillonaire who falls totally for you is kind of hard to relate to.  The playroom had such promise but very little action - I really wanted to experience all aspects of it.  Then the gratuitous descriptions of sex and orgasms - if you cut out all of the repetition in the sex scenes (it almost felt like they were copied and pasted) it would probably have been one book instead of three.  I did not like the reasoning they constructed as to why Christian is a Dominant, but I was happy that the book was able to paint a picture of a "normal" relationship incorporating BDSM without it being considered abhorrent.  A mainstream book covering this topic with better accuracy than most is pretty interesting in its implications.  The movie version will be interesting - the casting will be critical.  For me though - the book just didn't go far enough.  I was left wanting more.  Worth reading?  Yes.  Groundbreaking?  Not really.

A couple of fun days on the road, followed by a couple of tiring paramedic days.  Resting up today and catching up on e-mail.

The usual wannabe characters are still out on Collarme...  But I think I've stumbled upon at least a gem or two that I am looking forward to meeting. 

Another year gone by and I am a paramedic!  That was not an easy program.

Meanwhile, with my newfound free time and energy, I am being inevitably drawn back into BDSM.  Lately I've been playing at self-bondage.  Yes, I am very cautious and don't put myself into inescapable situations, but climaxing while straining at ropes adds just enough of that je ne sais quoi that enhances and extends the experience.  Since I broke my Hitachi Wand (yes, I think I burned it out) I haven't had a vibrator, so recently I ordered one that I'm looking forward to playing with.  Also ordered handcuffs - black finish.  They will go in my toy bag.  I've got a uniform fetish - police, military...  The ones who carry guns though, not the security guard types.  And people who have been in those careers really know how to control a lady.

Almost a year offline!  I've been immersed in paramedic school.  Light has appeared at the end of the tunnel and I'm, well, in need.  I've been taking care of myself but that is no longer sufficient!  I need to be rendered helpless, conquered.  It takes at least one other to make that happen.  I have been having "those" dreams... 

By its very definition time is regular - ticking on, unmercifully regular, never slowing or speeding up...  How is it then that time speeds up and slows down for us?  And it's always the great times that go so fast, and the times in between that go so slow.  In a way it is exquisite torture.  Time is a cruel master.  Now if I just can remember who said that first.

Woke up at 3AM and couldn't get myself back to sleep until I tied my wrists together...  Then I slept like a baby.  Made my mind relax and fall back into itself which is where it really needed to be.  I like to go there.  I need to go there regularly...

I have learned things about myself, some of them surprising, by participating in this lifestyle.  Always knew I was submissive at heart - that I wanted to be tamed; conquered; to serve and adore.  I was surprised that I am an exhibitionist - I like to play with others watching.  I have confirmed my sexuality to be decidedly heterosexual, yet I am surprised that I enjoy playing with or for other women even in erotic ways.  I can be compelled to do many things that I never thought I would, and in being compelled, I find out I love even more things.  Once upon a time I thought that I only wanted to be tied up.  "No pain," I said.  That was a long, long, time ago. 

You wouldn't pick me out as a submissive in my day-to-day life.  I'm not needy or passive.  I'm trying to think of the right words - something like I'd rather choose a special and worthy Dom and have him feel more special and worthy than others.  I get off on that. 

Here are some dull boring facts:  I'm actively searching for playmates close to me - capital area NY.  If you are far away it's not going to work - even if we both wish it would.  I can't schedule enough time away for it to be worth it.  I also cannot entertain at home.  I wish I could - I have some space that would be great, but oh well.  For my safety, I don't play one on one for the first play time.  If you are part of a couple and you'll both be there - great!  If you want to meet at a lifestyle party (and you are already a member) great! 

If you are looking for a needy person, that's not me.  If you are looking for a weak personality that is easy to direct, that's not me either.  But if you are not afraid of a submissive who is strong and independant in her personal life, and who is selective about when and who she gives up her freedom to, who doesn't want any long term commitment, we might have something to talk about.  I'm not complicated or hard to understand.  I like to play, I like a talented and confident Dominant, and I love to step over the threshold and become what the Dominant wants.  I am only happy and satisfied if the Dominant is.  But when our time is finished and I am released, I step back over the threshold and belong to myself again.

I demand nothing, I desire much.  I need to be wanted, but I don't want to be needed.  Somehow it works for me and I am very happy.

It's a wonderment that Dominants and submissives so perfectly complement each other.  It transcends ordinary sexuality.

A woman is made of body, mind and soul.  It is her body she gives when she seeks to please.  It is her mind she gives when she seeks to be submissive.  It is her soul she gives if she is truly mastered.

Patience, saoirse, patience...  There is a time for everything...  All good things will come to you in time.