RoughlySpeaking

Roughly Speaking's Advanced Guide to Boners.

I was chatting for a short while in one of the rooms here, and the topic was sperm donation. (Of course it was.)

And, in the course of a spirited and enjoyable conversational excursion into broad issues regarding this practice, it soon became clear that none of the participants in the discussion had heard of the proper term for the type of erection one gets when supplying sperm to sperm banks, which is (as all scholars know) "DonorBoner."

This surprising discovery led me to conjecture that perhaps it's the case that very few people are acquainted with the myriad of Boners that have been identified, categorized, and given official names. As always, I hold that my extensive training in Advanced Stuff Having to Do With Sex And Stuff impresses upon me the responsibility to educate others, so that they, too, can be all smart about all things related to "doing it."

And so, as an introduction, I present below an excerpt from "Roughly Speaking's Advanced Guide to Boners", starting, of course, with:

• DonorBoner: Erection resulting from anticipation of supply sperm to Sperm Banks
• HohnerBoner: Erection resulting from playing harmonica
• SedonaBoner: Erection resulting from visits to too-hip city in the Southwest. (cf. "ArizonaBoner")
• LonerBoner: Erection resulting from "slipping into the shadows" in a self-narrative chatroom description
• CondonaBoner: Erection resulting from approving far too many actions far too easily
• StonerBoner: Erection resulting laughing like this: "heh-heh... heh. Heh-heh. heh-heh. What?"
• ClonerBoner: Erection resulting from creating genetically-identical duplicate of yourself
• BolognaBoner: Erection resulting from the joy of a decent sandwich
• DronerBoner: Erection resulting from daydreaming while listening to a boring narrative
• KonaBoner: Erection resulting from drinking some of the best damned coffee in the world
• ShownaBoner: Erection resulting from seeing someone else's boner. (Primarily affects homosexual men. I think.)
• TonerBoner: Erection resulting from setting the copy machine darkness to "Maximum"
• OwnerBoner: Erection resulting from making your slave do ridiculous things just because you can
• CoronaBoner: Erection resulting from drinking Mexican beer
• GroanerBoner: Erection resulting from using the weight machine next to the guy who makes all that noise
• LoanerBoner: Erection resulting from being asked to pinch-hit for a temporarily flaccid pal
• CologneBoner: Erection resulting from walking through the fragrance department at Macy's
• BlownerBoner: Erection resulting from effective fluffing
• StallonaBoner: Erection resulting from yelling "Adrian"
• ConerBoner: Erection resulting from seeing Jane Curtin and Dan Ackroyd say they are "from France"
• KronerBoner: Erection resulting from having piles and piles of Danish money
• CaponaBoner: Erection resulting from committing crimes in Chicago during Prohibition
• ArizonerBoner: Erection resulting from Phoenix envy.
• WinonaBoner: Erection resulting from thinking impure thoughts while watching "BeetleJuice"
• JonahBoner: Erection resulting from being swallowed by a large sea creature

Of course those listed above barely scratch the surface; there are many more. Boner identification, classification, and naming is an ever-growing field; if you are in school now, and seek a rewarding discipline, in which you were be held in high esteem, I heartily recommend that you consider Bonerology.

Roughly Speaking's Penis

Naturally, like most men on CollarMe, I'm assuming that women are waiting, impatiently, for pictures of my penis.

Not a day goes by that I don't receive yet another desperate (sometimes frantic) request for a picture of my genitalia. And, of course, I completely understand this.

Now, you may well wonder why it is that I have not, after all this time, posted a few dozen shots of the Roughly Speaking member.

Let me first say that, in fact, I've considered posting such pictures, many times.

Indeed, like most men, I have many such pictures, since taking pictures of my penis typically consumes much of my day.  Naturally, I have pictures in a myriad of attractive poses, depicting various themes, etc.

Some examples:

1. My Penis, Up Close, 3/4 shot, coyly turned slightly away from camera as if to say "Oh! Hello, I didn't see you there."
   
   
2. My Penis, in the Garden: a natural setting, surrounded by daffodils, connoting all that is beautiful about Spring.
   
   
3. My Penis, on a Pony: my penis, garbed in a fitted vest, with a neatly-tied kerchief, wearing a cowboy hat, tilted at a jaunty angle.

In addition, I have several collections of penis pictures, organized according to various themes. For example:

1. "The Founding of Rome", retold through a series of pictures of my penis, re-enacting various iconic moments having to do with the origin of the Eternal City. (The double-exposure of my penis, depicting both Romulus and Remus, nursing at the teats of a she-wolf, is particularly moving).
   
   
2. "The Signing of the Declaration of Independence". In this collection, my penis is costumed so as to recreate several of this Nation's Founding Fathers, complete with powdered wig, knee breeches, and, as appropriate, spectacles. I've received nothing but praise for this set, and am especially proud of the way Benjamin Franklin turned out, what with him being quite a bit older than the other Founding Fathers The shot of my penis, as Franklin, wryly commenting to my testicles "We must, indeed, all hang together, or most assuredly, we shall all hang separately"  always brings a surge of patriotic pride, as well as a smile, to those who view this collection.
   
   
3. "The Assassination of President Lincoln". The somber dignity and reverence in this collection is what people mention most frequently. Although it is true that my penis, complete with beard and stovepipe hat, does bring Abraham Lincoln to life, I am most proud of the way my penis as John Wilkes Booth turned out. Upon viewing this collection, more than one person has insisted that she actually heard my penis exclaim "sic semper tyrannis!" before committing the dastardly act.

Given all this, you may wonder why, then, I haven't posted these pictures. I think it's a fair question, and I'd like to answer it, now.

My long experience on CollarMe has convinced me that doings so can result in nothing but trouble. So far as I can tell, all penis pictures are criticized as either being too short or too big to real.

Given that this is true, I thought long and hard*, about a way in which I could satisfy all those who want to see my penis (and, yes, their number is legion), while, at the same time, avoiding the inevitable harangue that posting such pictures would lead to.

Fortunately, I've come up with a solution: Instead of posting pictures of my penis, I am posting pictures (and descriptions) of things around the house into which I've stuck my penis. In this way, the general size, shape, and volume can be inferred, while at the same time, I can avoid inviting the cruel commentary that actual pictures would generate.

With that introduction, I present:

"Roughly Speaking's: Things Around the House I Have Put My Thing Into"

(I hope these pictures post - I've been having some trouble. In any case, if there are problems with the pictures, the captions should make things clear).

1. As is clear in the picture below, this is what's left of a watermelon. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but, the picture speaks for itself:

2. I'd ordered a beautiful poster of Fay Wray, being held in King Kong's hand. It arrived in a mailing tube, and what followed is obvious, below:

3. It was my birthday, and there was leftover cake. I didn't want to eat all the cake, and, I suppose one thing led to another:

4. This last picture will draw the ire of some, I'm sure, but to be fair, this Possum had no business being on my porch.

I hope this posting satisfies those who have been so patiently waiting.

* Seriously - you are going to snicker at "long and hard"? Seriously?

Roughly Speaking's Guide to How to Act in a BDSM Chatroom if You are a Dude

(Note: For the purposes of this Guide, males are referred to as "Dudes", whereas females are called "laydeez" (in the plural), or "stroke-bait" (in the singular).

Step One:

Before you even think about chatting in a chatroom, it's important that you select a name you'll use. In the world of chat, this is called a Nick. And people who use them are called Nickers. And people who pick really good ones are said to have a Nick-knack.

 
Your nick should give the laydeez some insight into what you are all about, and, also, it should strike some combination of fear, envy, and a dash of latent homoerotic interest from other dudes. 

Some examples of good nicks include:

EnormousPenisMan

IfMyPenisHadaPenisItWouldBeBiggerThanYoursMan

MyPenisHasaFirstNameItsOSCARMan

Penis

Other examples:

AllWomenBowToMeExceptMyMomCuzThatsCreepy

AllDogsBowWowToMe

And, finally:

LordMasterSirSupremeGodDidIMentionSir

(That last one is a stroke-bait magnet).

Step Two:

Once you've selected your nick, you should create a "description."  This is a bit of text that gets displayed in the chatroom for all to see, when you enter the room. The description should be informative, convivial, and should serve to attract the laydeez.

Some examples of good descriptions:

MismatchedTestes: "I haven't orgasmed at the touch of another since 1998, when a woman in front of me in an elevator leaned over to press "Parking Level 3", and backed into me. PM if interested."

or

HygieneIsForWeaklings: "All women are cunts. They are liars, users, and unworthy of me. Looking for a sincere, loving sub. PM if interested."

or

GoFuckMyselfHuh_DontThinkIhaventTried: "I am wealthy, famous, tall, handsome, and hung like a stallion, so, naturally, I come to anonymous, text-based chatrooms to find women to date. PM if interested."

Step Three:

Now that you have a nick, and a description, it's time to discuss what to do when you actually enter a chatroom. 

It is a well-known fact that laydeez love it when men narrate their behavior. They find this interesting, compelling, and it makes them want to touch your pee-pee. 

The realities of chatrooms, however, prevent interesting narratives. For example, the following wouldn't work well:

SmallPenisButBigMouth: Enters the chatroom and just sits here, like a doofus, looking at the screen, wondering what to say so I can appear interesting enough to get to see boobies.

Instead, it is de rigueur to mention non-existent, but plausible-to-imbeciles locations and characteristics of the chatroom. Something like:

NeverShakeMyRightHand_TrustMeOnThat: Enters the room... finds a table near the back, in the shadows. Sits, and silently flatulates, and lights a small cigar, hoping that that's sufficient. 

The laydeez love this sort of thing.

Step Four: 

You now have most everything you need to be a dude in a chatroom, and attract the laydeez. 

Like most skills, however, there are a few fine points that spell the difference between the amateur and the pro. I list a few of them here, but not all of them. (Some secret methods, I never divulge.)

1. It is extremely attractive to the laydeez for you to appear bored. Nothing is sexayyyyer than a bored man. Sometimes, when I'm in a coffee shop or at the DMV, I accidentally show that I'm bored, and, sure enough, someone will offer to fellate me. Trust me on this.

 
Given that this is so, it is extremely effective for you to say things like "Yawns"... or "Stretches"... or "I'm bored, laydeez", at regular intervals. Do this, and watch the stroke-bait line right up.

2. It is also extremely attractive to the laydeez for you to make sure that they understand that you will have sex with any woman, any time, for any reason. There are few things more attractive to the laydeez than a man who doesn't think she is special in any way at all, and by making sure the laydeez understand that you will have sex with anyone who doesn't have a penis, you will be establishing yourself as a prime Chat Dude.

Have fun out there, and tell 'em Roughly sent you!

Due to no significant promiscuity, and due more so to simply being "of an age", I have been with a fair number of women.

And, of course, as you'd expect, different women are... different. Some like this thing, some like that, and, so it is with dislikes, as well: some detest this or that.

So, it was with some amusement that I read the headline of one of my "Living Social" discount offers: It was an offer from a spa of some sort, but it seemed to me to be, for a few of the women I've known, to be an offer to choose between two equally unpleasant (to them) alternatives:

"Brazilian Wax, or Hour-Long Facial".

I'm still smiling about that.

Roughly Speaking's Guide to Advanced Gasms

Even so, there are those among us who, with an even greater depth of knowledge, are in an even more rarefied stratum. And, of course, here I'm referring to myself.

While those in the Vanilla world seek simple orgasms, and while the hoi polloi of the BDSM world are clever enough seek a few different sorts of orgasms, for the Roughly Speaking's of the world (of which there is, of course, only one), that's far too simple and pedestrian. 

It turns out that there are dozens and dozens of different kinds of orgasms, and, herein, I shall delineate a very few of that number.

• Simple, uncomplicated climax: Orgasm
• Second, Third and Fourth climaxes, etc:  Moregasms
• Climax from Shopping :  Storegasm
• Climax while paddling a boat: Oargasm
• Paradoxical climax brought on by monotony: Boregasm
• Climax from successfully completing tasks assigned: Choregasm
• Climax due to idolization of Jim Morrisson: Doorgasm
• Climax resulting from influence of pessimistic donkey: Eeyorgasm
• Climax associated with hardwood, parquet, or linoleum: Floorgasm
• Climax derived from establishing an harmonious connection with someone: Rapportgasm
• Climax from passing through the largest city in Maryland: Baltimoregasm
• Climax due to consideration of Global Climate Change: AlGoregasm
• Climax upon receipt or promise of payment: Whoregasm
• Climax resulting from abject poverty: Poorgasm
• Climax as a result of not being paid attention to: Ignoregasm
• Climax distinguished from mygasm: Yourgasm
• Climax from being startled by a large feline: Roargasm
• Climax occurring while recalling the previous evening's whipping: Soregasm
• Climax while deeply asleep, typically on one's back, after eating pizza: Snoregasm
• Climax while thinking about that handsome blonde Norse dude: Thorgasm
• Climax from watching iconic pornography from the early 1970's : Behindthegreendoorgasm
• Climax upon seeing someone wave a red cape in front of a charging bull: Matadorgasm
• Climax from reading Edgar A. Poe: Nevermoregasm
• Inexplicable Climax from watching "Encino Man": PaulyShoregasm
• Climax while thinking about one of Burt Reynold's girlfiends: DinahShoregasm
• Climax from contemplating the "Silicon Valley of India": Bangaloregasm
• Climax while watching "Green Acres" reruns: Evagaborgasm
• Climax due to watching clips on ESPN: FinalScoregasm
• Climax resulting from watching "Count von Count" on Sesame Street: OneTwoThreeFourgasm
• Climax following recitation of "Semper Fi": MarineCorpsgasm
• Climax upon viewing Honor Blackman in "Goldfinger": PussyGaloregasm
• Climax as "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", 1964: PiaZadoragasm
• Climax derived from watching Bob Hope and Bing Crosby compete for the leading lady: DorothyLamourgasm
• Climax upon reflection of contributions to Quantum Mechanics: NielsBohrgasm
• Climax upon reflection of contributions to fashion: ChristianDiorgasm

And the list goes on and on. We elite orgasmistas are acquainted with literally hundreds of different kinds of orgasms. (Yes, we call these, collectively: Evenmoregasms)

23.

Where to begin on this one... 23 is a prime number. '23' was a film, starring Jim Carrey. 23 is the one of the numbers in the famous sequence '4,8,15,16,23,42' from the TV series "LOST." 

5'5".

Five feet, five inches. That's 65 inches. Is 65 special in some way? Perhaps, depending upon what you consider special. There might be a little bit of numerology involved, if you consider that the last two digits of that LOST series sums to 65.

Naturally, if you're willing to go full-on paranoid-delusional schizophrenic with this, there are any number of connections that can be made, as you might have seen in the film "A Beautiful Mind".  (And, of course, since I mention that film in connection with these numbers, it's relevant to point out that Nash was obsessed with the number 23, and, in fact, published 23 scientific papers in his life. Where's my tin-foil hat, when I need it?)

So, why do I bring these numbers up?

Well, believe it or not, I'm not "viewed" all that often. Evidently, I'm far enough past my "Best If Used By Date" such that I don't show up in many searches.  Therefore, I probably observe more about those who do view my profile than most people. 

And, my past  4   5 "viewers" have all been women who are 23 years old, and 5' 5" tall.

Coincidence? I don't think so. I'm anticipating an army of angry, wronged 23 year-old women, all 5' 5" tall, training, somewhere in Montana, probably. Getting ready to hunt me down, like the dog I am. And, sharing uniforms, since they're all the same size; and probably sharing the timing of menstrual cycles, too.  

Just remember, if you see it on the news, that you saw it here, first.

(Addendum: Ok, unfortunately, it's not all that mystical. Here's something fun: set your filter to show only women with a minimum age of 23 and a maximum age of 23, and a minimum height of 5'5". Astonishing cluster of new members, fitting exactly those characteristics.  You know how, in the old days of chat, you would, by default, simply ignore anyone named "Brittney" or "Heather".  Apparently, 23 and 5'5" represents the same "demographic.")

Roughly Speaking's New Hobby

First, let me say that there are so many things to love about CM. 

Ok, seriously, let me start over. What I meant to say was: Here's my new hobby.

As is probably clear from my earlier posts, I read a lot of profiles. I enjoy it. Most of the time, they're interesting, even if they consist of just the standard boilerplate: 

"I'm not a doormat, and if I were, I'm not your doormat, and if I were your doormat, your feet are too big, and if your feet weren't too big, I wouldn't like your shoes, and if I did like your shoes, you'd be gay, so don't contact me, because I don't even know why I'm here because I don't like you even though I haven't met you, but I've disliked a lot of men in the past, and you represent all men to me, so fuck you, and besides you won't even read my entire profile as I commanded you to do (several times), just after I said how submissive I am. Prick. Call me."

Anyhow, what strikes me as, by far, the most fun thing about profiles is the "Tolerates" list. It's so wonderfully passive-aggressive and relationship-dooming, right from the very start! ("Yeah, I'll tolerate whatever idiotic thing you have in mind... "). 

Now, that, in itself, is pretty cool, but what I really, really, really like to do, is imagine various CMers "tolerating" things that they say they tolerate. You know, the faces they'd be making, while they "tolerate" it. Or, perhaps, the text messages they'd be sending ("ys, M is wearing the Tu-Tu while fkng me, again. Whtvr, I tolerate it.")

Try it - it cracks me up; some of the ones I've seen, I just can't stop laughing, imagining someone "tolerating" what they say they "tolerate."

Examples:

• Body Worship: hi jeanie. M is hvng me wrshp Hs body agn. Whtvr. Did u wtch Gm of Thrns?
• Fire Play: hi,jeani. me agn. M hz a flame 1 nch from cnt. Wtvr. Fck, did I tll u I fnd a hair grwnng betwn my boobs?! Blk and curly. gros.
• Watersports: hi jeanie. M is peeng on my face. Wtvr. Oh, that remnds me - we still meting at Souplantation?
• Sitcoms:  hi jnnie. M is makng me jerk off to "Friends". Fcking Ross dries me up. Dude, grw a pair. Whtver.
• Nihilism: hi,jnnie. How do I fckng tolerate nihilsm. WtfEvr, dznt mattr.
• Sky Diving: hi jnnie. Idk f ths will wrk up here. M pushed me out of plne. sed 'sub drop', strted laffing. Whtvr. Tlk ltr.

Roughly's Almanac and Compendium of Aphorisms, Adages, and Occasionally, Assholisms

Men over 50: When you read a profile belonging to a woman under 40 years of age, and in it, she indicates that she either Lives For, Loves or Likes  "Oldies", before you contact her, keep in mind: you can be fairly certain that she she doesn't mean you.

So many profiles request that those interested be d&d free, and I couldn't agree more. Being d&d free is perhaps the most important item in my criterion.

Therefore, I think it's appropriate that I affirm that I, too, am Dungeons and Dragons free. 

It is a simple fact that on CollarMe, it will frequently be the case that you write someone, and the person won't write back. If could be the person is not interested; it could be that because of certain characteristics, your note has been directed to the "Bulk Mail" bin, and is never read. (In my case, for example, my age probably causes that to happen frequently. I just can't see why all 18 year old women don't want to hook up with me, but that's a topic for another post.)

Anyhow, it can be disappointing, and judging from the descriptions of the follow-up letters which many women receive from disappointed suitors, I offer the following "Follow-Up-Letter-O-Matic" to help men compose their second notes to the women who haven't responded to their first.

Simply construct the note by choosing either (a) or (b) from each numbered item, and, voila, you have your note. 

I suggest choosing all (a) or all (b), but for a delightfully schizoid note, mix it up, with some from (a) and some from (b).

Follow-Up-Letter-O-Matic

1. Salutation:

1. Dear young miss: 
2. Fuck you, you rancid-cunted-ingrate: 

2. Introduction:

1. I find that I'm disappointed that you haven't written back to me. 
2. I wrote you and you didn't write back. Drown in a boiling pool of rat-vomit, cunt. 

3. Body of letter:

1. That surprises me, because I found your profile interesting, and, within it, I saw no evidence that you'd be likely to forgo the simple courtesy of a reply. 
2. I am the Great and Powerful , and you've now insulted not only me, but also my penis. Cunt.

4. Closing:

1. I will, unfortunately, take your lack of response to be an indication of your lack of interest in me. Nevertheless, I wish you well, and perhaps our paths will cross in the future. 
2. Fuck you, fuck your clothes, fuck your name, fuck your Twilight DVDs, fuck your 8 cats, fuck your most distant relatives. Cunt.

5. PostScript:

1. P.S. I'll still check in on your profile from time to time; the fact that you aren't interested in persuing a connection with me doesn't mean you aren't still interesting. 
2. P.S. Cunt.

Uncharacteristically Mostly Serious Rant:

Ok, this "fake" thing is getting seriously out of hand.

I think that perhaps 90% of profile and journal content has to do with accusations of someone being "fake" or with assurances that someone is "not fake." Seriously, this is asinine.  

First, to you slaves and submissives: 

If someone claims you're fake, accuses you of being fake to coerce you to do something "prove" you're not "fake", or otherwise brings up the whole "fake" thing, I heartily suggest you advise the person to go fuck himself. (Face it, he's probably going to, a little later on in the evening, anyhow.) 

Second, to you "Masters" and "Doms":

1) Evidently, most of you toss out the accusation of "fake" because your own lack of charisma, gravitas, ability to communicate (and probably hygiene) prevent you from engendering any kind of spontaneous respect from a woman, so it appears you do your best to make up for that personal deficit by ranting out these semi-literate accusations of "fake." Boys, grow the fuck up.

2) Some of you seem unable to detect who is female. Seriously, you are doofuses. If you are unable, via nuance, tone, word choice, context, rhythm, pacing, intuition, and a thousand other cues, that the person to whom you're speaking is female, then, really, literal physical gender shouldn't matter to you; you'll be just as happy with an effeminate man. Maybe happier.

3) Guys - if you throw out the accusation that someone is not a "real" submissive, you've pretty much defined your own deficiencies. Women are submissive to those men who create within a woman the desire and need to submit. If it's not happening with someone to the degree that you feel the pitiable need to point it out... well, you're right. She's not submissive. To you.

Science Meets Psychology Meets Biology Meets Budget

And so it is, that after much research and analysis, we're happy to report a breakthrough, having to do with a fetish that seems to be nothing short of astonishingly over-represented, if our diligent polling of profile content is any indicator.

Of course, here we are speaking of diaper-wearing.

It is our policy to never judge (unless we are totally squicked, and like, grossed-out and stuff, but, that's different).  And so, we shall, in this report, sidestep "why the Hell do people want to wear diapers", and instead, move right along to our findings.

It is clear, upon analysis, that the majority of self-described diaper-wearers are young(ish) women, typically "topping out" at about 35. (See Fig. 1)

Furthermore, most, if not all, of the profiles concerning themselves with diaper-wearing young(ish) women also mention a preference for "Daddy Doms", and, significantly, "Older Males."

Turning to the Nation-at-large, it is also evident that the population of Males-Who-Are-Still-Alive-Even-Though-Pretty-Damned-Old is growing at a brisk rate. (See Fig 2.)  Growing old brings many challenges, not the least of which is urinary incontinence.  And, in fact, the percentage of Males-Who-Are-Still-Alive-Even-Though-Pretty-Damned-Old who need to wear diapers increases dramatically with age. (See Fig.3)

Finally, the cost of Adult Diapers is non-trivial. Given the typical elimination frequency of adults (along with time estimates as to how long the wearers can stand themselves with "full" diapers) we may make a rough estimate as to how many diapers are needed per day, per wearer. The cost is great enough such that voluntary wearers of diapers (the young(ish) women) may not be able to afford it.

Combining these facts, the RoughlySpeaking Center for BDSM Research has deduced that expenses can be dramatically reduced by simply ensuring that young(ish) women are paired only with old, incontinent men, so that, together, they can benefit from the economy of scale, and are able to buy their diapers at "big box" stores, such as CostCo.  (See Fig. 4)

At the RoughlySpeaking Center for BDSM Research, Science Marches On (except when Science has to go really bad, and then Science just sort of crosses its legs and fidgets.)

Just a short reminder:

Although I really only care about my own spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc., it's probably useful to keep in mind that capitalization is the difference between:

"I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse."

and

"i helped my uncle jack off a horse."

Naturally, of course, you may wish to assert either of these two things. But, I expect that you'll be attracting a different element, depending upon which one.

I just read a woman's profile, in which she makes it clear that she doesn't want to be with "some old fuck."

And, I know I should probably be insulted, but it's just cracking me up. 

You just never know what we old fucks are going to find funny.

I just read a profile which mentioned a "Private Dom". 

And, it was contextually clear that by "Private Dom", the writer didn't mean to describe a Dom who "keeps to himself." She meant something else, entirely. Now, I'm aware that admitting that I'm not 100% clear on what a Private Dom is will (perhaps irrecoverably) damage my Dom Cred, I'm going going to go ahead and say so.

The thing is, as I started thinking about what "Private Dom" could mean, my mind wandered a bit, and one thing led to another, and... the next thing you know...

"Broads, Bruises, and Badminton"

a "RoughlySpeaking, Private Dom" Mystery

Chapter 1.

I woke up to the sound of my office door slamming shut so hard that I thought the black, painted "ROUGHLY SPEAKING, Private Dom" letters would fly right off the frosted glass. My vision was blurry, my head ached, and, for reasons I couldn't explain, a nipple clamp was attached to my tongue. 

But none of it mattered: in front of me, in a corset too tight for Olive Oyl, and a skirt shorter than my penis in ice-water, stood what I assumed was my first client of the day, and what I hoped would be the last thing I saw tonight. I sat up straight, sucked in my gut and said "Thumpthing tellth me you need thumone who knowth the ropeth, thlut..." 

Then I took the nipple clamp off my tongue, and said it once more...

She nervously licked her lips, and then stood up straight again. She was limber; no question about it.

"Oh, Mr. RoughlySpeaking, Sir, i am in so much trouble..." Good God, the woman even spoke with a lower-case "i"!  

She was perfect -- maybe too perfect. I figured it'd be best to stay professionally-detached, so I decided to ask her a few of the standard Private Dom questions. I tried to put her at ease: "On your knees, slut, bitch, tramp,  and tell me what's the trouble."

"Mr. RoughlySpeaking, Sir, i just don't know where to start... it's all so confusing". Her lips began to quiver and tremble. Yeah, all of them.

I figured I'd sweet-talk her for a while, get her to trust me by being mushy: "Just start at the beginning, whore, and don't you dare get to the end without permission." 

"Sir, i haven't seen my Master in five weeks. And, i miss Him, so much. Also, i haven't had an orgasm in five weeks. Well, just that one, when i accidentally leaned against the washing machine for 30 minutes. Let's face it - i'm a shuttle-cockwhore..."

You know how there are sounds that only dolphins, dogs (and Joni Mitchell) can hear? They are just pitched too high in the audio spectrum, beyond the upper limit of the frequency human beings can hear. Sometimes you might get the sense that there is a sound, but you really can't make it out - it's experienced, perhaps, as a hiss, or some sort of visceral reaction, but, definitely, you can't really hear it.

Well, I've now inferred a hitherto unreported, but related phenomenon: After reading many, many women's profiles, I can confidently state that there appear to be certain foreground/background color combinations which only women can read. 

I note, with some interest, an increasing number of submissive women's profiles featuring the women in what can only be called gymnastic poses. In particular, there is a definitely-increasing number of pictures of women doing headstands, with their legs splayed.

Of course, I'm not complaining about this; but I find myself speculating as to the reason for posting these particular images.

It could, of course, be a way to show flexibility; a lithe, young (usually), winsome woman, standing on her head with her legs wide apart definitely does have some appeal. 

But, what if I'm wrong? What if (perhaps due to the proliferation of TV shows such as "America's Got Talent") the latest CollarMe trend is to post pictures showing what talent or skill one might have? What if these picture aren't merely examples of "Hey, look at me - I'm upside-down with my legs spread wide open", but are, instead, demonstrations of various talents?

That set me to thinking that perhaps I, too, should post pictures of my own talents. Naturally, I'd want to show my most impressive talent. Right now, I'm having a hard time choosing between pictures of me:

• Crossing One Eye
• Keeping My Hand Perfectly Still While A Big Hairy Spider Crawls Over It And Not Flinching Or Anything
• Tensing My Neck Muscles Really Tight So That I Look Sort Of Like A Frog Head

Yet Another Suggestion

Right at the outset, I commend women who put their pictures on their profiles. I think that that takes a certain amount of courage. I also admit that my position on what I'm about to say is not strengthened by my own lack of a "real" profile picture.

Now, that said, I also understand that many women, understandably, have some prudent and sensible hesitation about posting a picture in which they are recognizable. 

And some women also, again, understandably, apparently mean to appeal to the frequently-cited "visual" sense of men, and, to attract attention, post pictures that are sexually explicit. Since there are CM rules regarding that, they post interesting close-ups.

Now, when you put those factors together, you end up with quite a few profile pictures that are unrecognizable close-ups of sexual parts. 

And, therein lies the problem, at least for me.

I'm the first to acknowledge that it may be due to my own poor acuity or gestalt, but, quite frequently, I find that I'm looking at a picture of... something... that I'm pretty sure is... some... body part, but, I just can't figure out what the hell it is. 

Many times, I really can't tell if I'm looking at an extreme closeup of a nipple, or a poorly-focused nighttime long-shot of a Mayan pyramid. 

I'm going to suggest that you take a good, long, objective look at your picture, and if there is some ambiguity, that you label your picture, perhaps with helpful call-outs: boxed text, with arrows pointing to important landmarks; e.g. "This is not my vacation at Mammoth Caves, instead, it is my nostril". Or "What appears to be a large bowling pin in an unzipped sleeping bag is actually my clitoris", etc.

"It's Good to Be the King" (History of the World, Part I)

Submissive women here regularly (and, unfortunately, I think accurately) report on the outrageous, illiterate, presumptive, comically-obtuse, incomprehensible, and idiotically-constructed emails that they receive from "Dominants" and "Masters." 

Regarding the vexing emails women receive, I can only imagine. 

It makes me reflect on the fact that there are so many reasons why a woman might envy men - better pay for the same jobs, the presumption of competence by others, the ease with which we proffer opinions on subjects about which we know nothing, etc.  

But after listening to women describe their interactions with men here, I know what women should envy most about men: we don't have to put up with our horseshit.

Ain't life grand?

I note that many profiles request (and a few even demand) "drugs and diseases free."

This is disappointing, for a number of reasons.

First of all, I have no drugs to offer, nor do I have any diseases, and I think that that puts me a what must be a distinct disadvantage, when compared to all of the apparently drug-using, and disease-ridden men here. 

(Of course, I'm not saying that I couldn't get some drugs, or, that given sufficient lead time, I couldn't contract a few diseases, especially if not having them were a deal-killer with the right woman.)

Second, even if I did have drugs and disease to offer, I think it's entirely out of line for a woman I barely know to demand that I give them to her for free. Certainly, in the context of an on-going relationship, I, as dominant, would take on the responsibility of providing drugs and disease. 

But, at a first meeting, or for casual hookups, I think "BYODD" ("Bring Your Own Drugs and Diseases") is appropriate.

RE: Discussion Regarding Submissive/Slave Proclamation

ADDENDUM:

I understand that you are not a doormat.

As it turns out, I am not a muddy shoe.

Isn't life grand?

CollarMe Suggestion of the Day

I note that many, perhaps most, self-identified slaves/submissives make special effort to point out that they are not "doormats."

I suggest that among the many likes/dislikes/beginner-through-expert ratings, CollarMe simply add "Doormatness".  

There are numerous benefits to be derived from this enhancement. 

For example, profiles would be a bit shorter and less strident. Instead of text defiantly characterizing a woman's doormatness or not-doormatness, a more gracious "regarding whether i am a doormat, please see my doormatness selection" could appear in profiles.

Also, profiles could be searched with "doormatness" as a search tag, allowing men looking for doormats to scoop them right up.

(As for me, I don't care about doormatness; I'm looking for a girl who's more of a throw-rug.)

CM Mystery of the Day:

Why self-identify as submissive/slave, and then create a profile, the entire contents of which describes the degree to which you are "not interested"? (And here, I'm not describing those who are "spoken for" in one way or another.) Evidently, there must be some sort of gratification derived from the public display of their overall crabbiness?

(I make the distinction between submissive/slave because it's clear that some dominants pretend that they are not interested in order to appear -- I'm not sure what -- perhaps diffident, aloof, haughty, or whatever other adjectives they read in a book, or saw in a movie, that they think makes them look darker, stronger, etc. Why that subset does it is clear, and, in fact, holds no interest for me.)

Masochism is one thing. But, deliberate self-sabotage is tedious, off-putting, and tiresome.

Why not wait for quality - really, what's the rush? Why settle for what you already know is without real value? The grim satisfaction that you derive from bitterly complaining about that which you knew was doomed to begin with is a poor substitute for the gratification and completeness that comes from experiencing quality.

Epiphany -

I don't know if you've seen those pictures on the web, where the caption is something like "When you see it, you'll shit a brick", or something like that. The idea is, there is something in the picture that isn't obvious, at first, and then, after closer inspection, it suddenly hits you, and you're astonished for some reason or another.

I just had one of those experiences.

I was looking at a woman's profile, and, as you know, names, and, if available, pictures of her friends appeared below her picture.

One of those pictures consisted of the perfunctory cock-pic. The penis was erect. The picture was taken from the perspective that the man in question would see if he were standing, holding the camera, and looking down towards his toes.

It wasn't a huge penis, but it was, I suppose, fair-sized. And I really took no note of it, except, I happened to mouse-over the picture. And then... it hit me. 

This guy has self-reported his weight as close to 400 pounds. Now, if you weigh 400 pounds, your belly is going to be taking up a pretty impressive space... that means, that given the physics of the situation (much like the "tip of the iceberg" phenomenon where 90% of the iceberg is actually unseen), what I was actually seeing in the picture was probably the last 10% of his cock, the rest hidden, meaning his cock must be somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 feet long.

Too many "admirers", seriously. It's a burden.

I note that many submissive/slave women bitterly complain about receiving messages from men which appear to be form letters, or messages which have been copied and pasted to many recipients.

While I understand how vexing this can be, I also have some sympathy for the many top-notch Masters and Doms who are simply too busy to compose a unique message to each of the lucky women to whom they offer the rare chance of serving them.

In order to help reduce the enormous effort that my Dom and Master brethren would need to expend, I present the Dom-o-Matic Custom Message Generator, outlined below. 

It requires the use of a random number generator (I suggest a common, six-sided die), and it works something like Mad-Libs. For each blank, simply roll the die, and select the corresponding word from the lists, below. When you've filled in the blanks, you're ready to send your sure-fire babe-magnet message.

Here's the template:

Hello, __A___.

I am a __B___, living in  ___C___, and I am seeking a ___D___.
I saw your profile, and I think we should get together. There is a ____E___ nearby.
If you are ready to ____F___, then reply to this completely unique note that I totally didn't copy to anyone else or anything like that.

And now, just roll the die, and fill in the banks:
A: 

1. lil girl 
2. young one 
3. slut 
4. cunt 
5. worthless piece of shit whore 
6. Mom

B: 

1. Master 
2. Dom 
3. Gnarly Old Guard Badass 
4. Sadistic Fuck 
5. Leather-Clad Bed-Wetting Doofus 
6. Sensitive, but forceful Dog-Walker

C: 

1. your town
2. my fully-equipped dungeon 
3. a compound in Minnesota 
4. my cousin's basement
5. Cleveland 
6. a delusional fantasy in which I am Johnny Depp in those Pirate movies, except not so gay

D: 

1. submissive 
2. subbie 
3. sub 
4. subnormal 
5. substantial settlement 
6. subaceous cyst

E: 

1. Starbucks 
2. Denny's 
3. Home Depot 
4. Bus Station 
5. Free Clinic 
6. motel where you rent the room by the hour and bring your own sheets

F: 

1. embark on a wondrous new chapter of your life 
2. meet the man of your dreams 
3. split the check with me 
4. listen to my interminably-long and pointless tales about how other women have been complete and utter cunts to me 
5. make an extremely important, potentially life-endangering decision, based upon ridiculously incomplete knowledge of the consequences
6. pull my finger

I'm a little late getting with the program, but, from what I understand, when a man is met with resistance, rejection, or untimely speed of response, it is all the rage to report the person who was behaved so offensively as being a man, posing as a woman.

I'd like to be part of this movement, of course, but I simply don't have time to message each woman on this site, demand that she get naked on cam, or send me her money, etc., in order to test whether or not she is a real woman. That could take months, and frankly, I'm just too busy.

I propose a simpler, and more efficient plan:

With this journal posting, I hereby demand that all women, everywhere, become my slaves (immediately). Any who refuse, are, of course, not real women, and I'll have to report them, because, after all, I'm all Masterly, Ownerly, Domly, and stuff, and I can't think of a better way to prove it than to tattle on them.

By the way, your first slave rule is that, from now on, you may only wear your underwear on your head. 

Naturally, I'll need proof that you've become my slave. Ideally, you will send me message with text something like this:

"Hi. i m ur salve now, coz ur so dominate. hear iz a pic of me with my unnerwarez on my hed, like you axed for, Mastr."

I hope to hear from you soon, for your own sake, else I'll have to report you, and stuff.

Quoted by a cutie; ain't it grand?

I have invented a new genre of entertainment. 
Unfortunately, the target-audience is small, and, so far, I am the only examplar of the art. 
That said, I now formally introduce "The Profile Impressionist". 

For my first impression, I present "CollarMe Submissive/Slave Woman Profile":

hello, i am a sweet, submissive femail cept i thnik im rely a slav. (or mabye slavic). i have no limits at all except for death and grammar, but I WANT ALL YOU FUCKING DOMINATES TO READ MY FUCKING PROFILE ALL THE WAY THROUGH ELSE I WILL DELETE YOU AND ALSO STOP SENDING ME DICK PICS. UNLESS YOU ARE JOHNNY DEPP, IN WHICH CASE SEND 2 DICK PICS. 

i sweetly look forward to hearing from you EXCEPT I AM NOT A FUCKING DOORMAT AND ALSO INCLUDE A PICTURE BUT NOT A DICK PIC (not you, Johhny) 'COZ IF YOU DON'T THEN I HATE YOU AND STUFF UNLESS YOU ARE JOHNNY DEPP JUST BEING CUTE 

Thank you, thank you very much.
For my next impression, I present "CollarMe DOMINATE MAIL Profile":

HELLO. I AM A DOMINATE MAIL AND ALSO UR MASTR.  

I WAZ BORNED DOMINATE IN MY MOMS YOU-KNOW-WHAT. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I WAZ SO DOMINATE THAT I ORDERED BARBIES AROUND AND WAS VERY MEAN TO THEM, THAT'S HOW DOMINATE. NOW THAT I AM GROAN, I AM EVEN MORE DOMINATE. FOR EXAMPLE:

I WILL BEAT YOU FOR FUN, WHILE I AM POOPING. AND I MEAN BAD POOPS, TOO, NOT JUST EVERYDAY VANILLA POOPS; THE BAD, BDSM KIND OF POOPS. 

ALSO IF YOU ARE MY SUBHUMAN SLAV THEN YOU WILL LIVE ACCORDING TO MY RULEZ: 
1. NO NOTHING, EVER

2. SEE #1

ALSO, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY SUBHUMAN SLAV, U UNDERSTAND THAT IF I CHOOSE TO, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHEW OFF YOUR ARM AND EAT IT WITH KETCHUP. OR TO TALK DURRING MOVIES AND ESPECIALLY DURING THAT ONE WITH THE TRAVELING PANTS, BECAUSE I AM YOUR KING.

IF U WISH TO BE MY SLAV, REPLY WITH THE WORDZ "I WISH TO BE UR SUB" SOMEWARE IN YOUR MESSAGE. 
ALSO, IF ANY1 KNOWZ WHERE CAPSLOCK KEY IS, I WUD APPRECIATE UR TELLING ME.

Thank you, I'm here every Tuesday and Thursday night, and don't forget to tip your waitress.