In defense of the Genteel Dominant...

I have an idea that the more a man is naturally dominant in his day-to-day life, the less he feels the need to express his dominance with a sub via insults, degradation, and sadism. 

I say this knowing that many subs like insults, degradation and sadism.  That's fine, and you should have no problem finding it-- there are plenty of men who are more than willing to mete it out.  Because the stereotypical Dom at sites like CM is, without question, the one who is bent on proving his dominance via overt means.  To the extent that a more genteel Dom is considered a bit of a faux pas, or not quite "into the lifestyle". 

And again, that's fine.  I don't consider myself into the lifestyle.  I am just a naturally dominant man with a long, wide, playful kinky streak who finds the vanilla world simply too bland for his tastes.  And yet, I find myself constantly bemused to find that, because of the above stereotype and the expectations it sows in the minds of the community, doms like me (note the lack of unnecessary capitalization-- this is important) have nearly as much difficulty finding a home in the BDSM world as they do in the vanilla world.

Thus, I have an ongoing interest in the curious psychology of domination and submission, and the dichotomies of the two types of Dom/dom.

Follow:

Is it really this simple?  I am in a relationship with a vanilla woman.  I care for her immensely, but she has zero interest in the accoutrement of the BDSM fantasy.  And yet, it works.  Why?  Because despite her lack of interest in ballgags and spreader bars, diapers and dog collars, she has a deep interest in the natural comfort a woman feels in the presence of a strong (albeit genteel) naturally dominant man.  She knows that I am her protector, her leader, and the ultimate arbiter of our relationship.

My coworkers (I am a freelancer) are quite vanilla-- with a few secret exceptions that only I know about.  And yet they, especially the women (and even some of the men) sense that, in a world filled with the absurd fantasy of gender identicalism, I am different.  It isn't because I treat the women like possessions, heaping them with insulting sexism, or because I insist on being called "Sir" all the time.  It's something almost subconscious and unspoken, but definitely there.

I dislike how braggadocios that sounds, but it makes my point: a truly dominant male, one born that way, does not seem to feel the need to lord his dominance over a sub in the context of intimacy-- it does not occur to him that his dominance is something that needs to be enforced.  Perhaps because it is exhibited in every aspect of his life, not just his fantasies and sexual relationships.

This is what I think of as the genteel dominant.  And I suppose, in a sense, his dominance is indeed very much a lifestyle.  He just doesn't think of it as "The Lifestyle"-- anymore than a shark thinks of himself as living in "The Ocean".  It's simply his environment, his worldview, the base factor of every perception, decision and motivation.

But even he does desire the accoutrement sometimes.  It may look different-- there may be less tools and a bit more romance-- but undeniably even the genteel dominant has a instinct towards sometimes exploring his darker nature in the confines of relationships-- be it overtly sexual, or even via the electric chemistry of intellectual discourse.  But even this is different.  The Genteel Dominant does not demand obeisance immediately.  He does not immediately jump to sexual submission.  The Genteel Dominant wants to possess the erogenous zones of a woman's mind and heart before approaching, with careful, deliberate suspense, the erogenous zone in her pants.

I know there are some women who desire-- deeply and hopelessly-- this sort of dominant male.  There are a few out there, sitting, like me, quietly watching with a bemused smile as the somewhat noisier types-- the overt Doms, with their titles and leathers and tool chests, take up a lot of the marquis space in the BDSM community.

But the Genteel Dom, and the women who seek them, are very much a part of this community as well.  And that is nice to know.

As you may have guessed, I am not a regular attendee at CM university, but I have been around enough times now to recognize certain trends.  In short, despite being a dominant male, I believe I can piece together the CM experience of the typical sub female simply by reverse engineering the sorts of things I see on so many profiles.  Let's see how close I am:

Stage 1: Innocent Curiosity

She has recognized this about herself for awhile-- in a world full of "strong woman" caricatures, she has a counter-intuitive deep attraction to the alpha male, perhaps even a secret, pervasive hunger to be dominated by him, desired by him so strongly that he will overrule the protocols of polite society to possess her.  This might include fantasies of kidnap and bondage, or simply a willing submission to a worthy masculine admirer.  She thinks she is alone in this fantasy.  Then, eventually, she hears there is a community of people dedicated to similar desires.  She joins, breathing a great sigh of relief to finally be among like-minded confidantes.

Stage 2: The Deluge

Her in-box is almost immediately barraged with dozens, eventually hundreds, of responses.  Initially delighted by this, her excitement is quickly replaced by dismay-- almost all of the notes are extremely short and poorly worded.  Many of them are outright insulting, immediately demanding obedience, piling on humiliation.  Few have pictures attached, and if they do, they show blurry, over-lit images of penises, sweaty scowling faces, old fat men, or somehow, amazingly, all at the same time.  She tries to weed through this, and is soon entirely disillusioned.  This leads to...

Stage 3: The Realignment

She re-writes her profile, carefully (but unequivocally) laying down certain standards that should be met (and should not, probably, have required explanation) for men approaching her.  Pics necessary, please, and no, cock-shots do not count (all men have 'em, after all, and most of them really aren't worth bragging about in any case).  No immediate humiliation or demands or absurd D/s capitalizations and medi"Your presence is required at the feete of Sir Knight Throbmaster; wear thy knee-pads") and finally comes across a few normal sounding, moderately interesting men who share her fantasy.  She strikes up a chat with one of them, carefully at first, but with increasing interest.  They seem to have so much in common!  They share their fantasies, in detail, and even exchange pics.

Then, slowly but inexorably, things begin to go wrong.  He won't send more than one or two suspiciously average pics (are they really him?  Is he really a six foot tall professional volleyball player and part-time fireman?).  He isn't available at curiously regular hours of the day (is he married?  Does he only show up online when the wife-- and probably kids-- are tucked in bed for the night?)  Or, perhaps worst of all, he just suddenly disappears (was he ever really interested and willing to meet?  Or was he just looking for mental images to put in the old Spank-bank to beat-off to later?)

Now, the poor sub is getting extremely frustrated.  The guys who are available, clamoring for her attention, are disgusting, self-important dweebs.  The guys who seem sane and approachable are posers and liars.  This leads to the last stage...

Stage 5: The Disillusioning

She stops checking her CM messages.  Or she becomes jaded and hard, immediately responding as if everyone guy who messages her is a lunatic, a fraud, or a poser. 

Or, most often the case, she may leave CM entirely.  Unfortunately, her desires do not go away, however, and soon enough she comes back, believing this time it will be different.  It isn't, of course, and thus a cycle is born.  And each time she comes back, she is slightly more disillusioned, slightly more jaded, and has slightly less hope.

If none of this applies to you, I am willing to bet something: I bet you are a tenth level pro in "the lifestyle".  The reason you have found friends and confidantes is because you are similarly ultra-serious about all the accoutrements of BDSM-- the leathers, the collars, the tools, the spreader bars and ballgags and terminology, and years of experience.  If you are happy, good for you!  And I truly mean that. 

But what you are forgetting is that for a lot of the subs (and even some Doms) that come here, it isn't about the accoutrements.  It's about a deep, unspeakable gut-level desire that has nothing to do with jargon, or tools, or dense rulebooks of experience.  It's different for them, because one size does not fit all. 

For some, domination is about romance more than it's about humiliation.  For some, bondage is about being intensely desired, not about being intensely punished.  For some, the sub fantasy is a fantasy of respect and adoration, not of hatred and degradation.

In a world dominated (pun intended) by liars and posers, hatemongers and "little lords" sometimes I think, for the average curious sub, it's harder even here, on CM, to meet someone of like mind than it is in the vanilla world. 

As a naturally dominant male-- confident, established, generally likeable, moderately good looking, and successful enough in the vanilla world-- but with a deep, lifelong predilection for kidnap/bondage fantasies, romantic domination, and ironically smart, challenging, confident women... trust me when I say: I can relate.