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Only in a small town will the police report include overly friendly dogs, rampaging pot-bellied pigs, and this week's offering--someone actually got a ticket for going 10 MPH under the speed limit on Main Street.

You gotta love the guys at our local Jiffy Lube, even though they almost made me run off the road with the sayings on their signs this month.  One side reads "If you lube it, they will come," and the other "The better the lube, the better the ride."

Happy holidays to everyone!

Okay, okay--i'll take pictures since You don't believe me.

i was reflecting on the difference between wants and needs earlier, and came to the realization that wants are pretty easy to defined and inner-directed, and needs are often way outside of my comfort level and externally-directed. (Now, this assumes that the basic needs?food, shelter, and the rest of the hierarchy are already met). Needs are essentially blind spots.

A Dom or Master recognizes the need (which i can struggle against seeing with justifications and rationalizations), addresses it, which may be a short, sharp process, or can be longer and more involved, and includes a push past a comfort zone, and then, importantly, moving the comfort zone toward that spot. Suddenly, i find the wants have changed and instead the need has internalized to a want. All part of the learning and growth process.

Hmmm, this entry is generating some interesting comments, one of which i'm including:

"It might be something you don't want, and in fact are really avoiding.  It is about finding someone who is wise and perceptive enough about you, and wants to invest the time and work to bring about needed changes.  In the same light, consider the WHO you need might not be the one you want.  Or think you want"

Character is what you do when no one is watching.

Uncertainty and indecision seems to be my dilemma at this time.  As things resolve one way or the other, new paths have been viewed through the trees.  Now, i stand and look at all the paths and have to choose which one to at least venture down, knowing that a false start is not the end of everything but is, at least, a start. 

i do know i treasure the lessons i?ve learned about commitment, and its new importance in my life.  Commitment has to be one of the key decision points as to which paths to try.  i?ve always been afraid of it, and it can feel oh, so right, and i don?t want to lose sight of that.

A month ago today, i thought i'd be in the situation which i have wanted for so long.  It wasn't to be, and today i'm having some regrets over opportunities missed and circumstances which were out of my control. Thanks to all my friends who have been encouraging me through this time.

i had an interesting discussion today with a friend.  He had asked me what i felt were the most important characteristics of a Master/Dominant?what i look for.  my answer was experience, strength, and consistency, not necessarily in that order.  It?s interesting how we each viewed my answer?he saw these traits as rather superficial at first, until i explained my thinking.

Experience:  I want someone who knows what a power exchange entails, has the commitment to see our relationship through to whatever it is going to go, knows what He wants, and can see something in me and wants to help that grow.   Experience does not mean a certain length of time in the lifestyle, and experience doesn?t necessarily mean being expert with certain toys, although I wouldn?t argue with expertise. 

Strength:  Not meaning physical strength, but emotional strength, a strong sense of self, a moral center.  These things can be shared, relied upon, used to guide, strengthen, re-center, comfort, discipline.  Strength creates self-confidence for both parties, and exchanging and sharing strength can return to both parties fivefold. 

Consistency:  Consistency goes hand in hand with strength and experience.  These are the rules, this is what is expected, and there is no getting around them and they don?t change.  i can tend to push the rules as far as i can get away with, sometimes, and i sometimes have trouble accepting changes in my life.  (i know, that?s contradictory, but we are not totally rational animals.)

To me, these are the 3 cornerstones, or the foundation.  From these build communication, success, integrity, honesty, commitment, and everything else that becomes important.

Okay, i?ve been accused of thinking too much, and not being spanked enough.  This one should earn me something:

A man was eating breakfast one morning, and looked out his window to see a white unicorn with a golden horn eating the roses in the garden.  He went upstairs and woke his wife, telling her there was a unicorn with a golden horn eating the roses.  She replied ?Unicorns are mythical beasts,? and turned over and went back to sleep.

The man went outside into the garden, where the unicorn was now eating the tulips.  He pulled up a lily, and fed it to the unicorn.  The unicorn ate it, and the man went back upstairs to tell his wife ?The unicorn ate a lily.?

The wife sat up in bed and told the man ?You are a booby, and I am going to put you in the booby-hatch.?  The man, who never liked the words ?booby? and ?booby-hatch,? and who liked them even less on a shining morning when there was a unicorn in the garden, said ?We?ll see about that.?  He went back into the garden, but the unicorn had gone away.  The man  fell asleep.

The woman got up and got dressed.  She had a gloat in her eye.  She called the police and a psychiatrist and told them to hurry over to her house, and bring a straitjacket.  When they arrived, she told them that her husband saw a unicorn this morning, and that it had a golden horn and he fed it a lily.  The police looked at the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist looked at the police.  At a signal from the psychiatrist, the police sezied the woman.  After a terrific struggle, they got her into the straitjacket.  Just then, the husband came back into the house.

?Did you tell your wife you saw a unicorn??  ?Of course not.  A unicorn is a mythical beast.?  The psychiatrist said, ?Take her away.  I?m sorry sir, but your wife is as crazy as a jaybird.?  So they took her away, cursing and screaming.  The husband lived happily ever after.

MORAL:  Don?t count your boobies until they are hatched.

Sometimes, being around college students really brings out the geek in me.  One of our students came in with an assignment to adapt Rilke's "Letter to a Young Poet" to a person with a different problem.  I found it to be an interesting assignment, so did it myself.  Here is my humble submission ( okay, so that came out as a Freudian slip    ) 

You ask whether you?re truly submissive.  You ask me.  You have asked others before.  You compare your feelings with that of others, and you are disturbed when others in the lifestyle reject your efforts.  You sometimes don?t know where to turn next.  I beg you to give up all of that.  You are looking outward.  Go into yourself.  Investigate the reason that leads you down this path; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart.  This above all:  ask yourself in the stillest hour of your night:  MUST i submit?  Will submission fill a hole in my heart and my soul that ache to be closed?  Delve into yourself for a deep answer.  And if this should be affirmative, if you may meet this earnest question with a strong and simple ?i must,? then build your life according to this necessity; your life even into its most indifferent and slightest hour must be a sign of this urge and a testimony to it.    Turn your attention there.  Try to bring up the buried sensations.  Your commitment and your certainty that you are on the right path will become more firm, and then it will not occur to you to ask anyone whether you are truly submissive, for you will see it as your fond natural possession, a voice of your life, that is good and true because it has sprung from necessity.  In this nature of its origin lies its judgment:  there is no other.

I have no other advice for you save this:  to go into yourself and test the deeps in which your life takes rise; at its source you will find the answer to the question.  Accept it, just as it sounds.  Perhaps it will turn out that you are called to be a submissive.  Then take that destiny upon yourself and bear it, its burden and its greatness, and find the One who will treasure this destiny, nurture and guide it further along the path.  Then you will find the completion that is necessary to complete you as a person, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and then you will not find it necessary to ask the question again. 

Another huge obstacle in the path.  Some days, it feels like i'm just ramming my head into a wall, rather than taking it down piece by piece. All i can do is hope and pray things will work the way i want them to, and that the coming days aren't as bleak as i foresee them to be.  i also have to remember the things i have been shown and thought, and reflect what He sees in me, and what He knows i can be.  i fear that our last conversation was prophetic, and if it was, i can tell You that it is no fun for the seer as well as for the reciepent.  Was it Sybil that was stoned to death for her prophecies in ancient Greece?  Or Cassandra?  i can't remember, and not enough energy to go look it up.

I?ve been reading a lot lately, and ran into an essay by DH Lawrence (of Lady Chatterly Lover?s fame) which hit a note with me, as someone who recently embraced their submissive side, especially when things are viewed from a cultural and societal perspective.  It?s also telling from the perspective of a woman who grew up as the cultural mores changed from the 1950?s to the woman?s lib movement.

In this essay, ?Give Her a Pattern,?  Lawrence states that ?When a woman is thoroughly herself, she is being what her type of man wants her to be.  When a woman is hysterical [not literally, think of Freud?more like neurotic, unsure] it?s because she doesn?t quite know what to be, which pattern to follow, which man?s picture of woman to live up to.?

Society constantly changes the pattern of the ideal woman, and women change to reflect the pattern, but men accept the pattern not because it?s right for them, but because it?s expected.  Women who are forced into a pattern that is not right for them will, by ?the strange and terrible logic of emotion, will work out the smashing of that pattern, if it has not been emotionally satisfactory.?  I don?t think it?s quite as explosive and immediate, but may involve a longer period of soul-searching and introspection, as she comes to realize no pattern has ever been right for her, and if she had a pattern of behavior and life that the man didn?t want or appreciate, she was trapped into either being true to herself or living up to a pattern which didn?t exist within her.

The only problem with living here--the terrorist skunks.  I don't mind everything else--even the funky bugs, but the dogs want to play with black kitty cat with the white stripe...

Random musings:

It is gratifying that people actually read these entries.  I appreciate feedback--especially the positive comments!  But, honestly, if what I fumble at saying helps someone else build a framework for their own feelings, of course I'm going to feel honored and humbled.  My suggestion to those going through the same journey--write it down somewhere, talk to a tape recorder, or somehow get your feelings down into words.  You don't have to share, but it gives you a starting point for the exploration.  But, whatever your inclination, these are real entries and give you an insight into me.

I'm still struggling with patience.  (surprise, surprise)I've recently recognized that anticipation and patience are closely related, and that I easily and quickly make that jump over the line.  Most people probably have made the connection between them, but it's a blind spot for me, and I have to make a conscious effort to not let anticipation cross the line to impatience.  Anticipation is definitely a hot button for me--and impatience is the negative side of that.

Lately, I've been thinking of myself as a mirror.  People seem to see in me the reflection of what they need.  Those who see themselves as Masters see a slave, Daddys see a little girl, and even subs see a Domme (or at least a switch).  I don't think it's a bad thing, but I find it interesting...empathy is a wonderful and mysterious thing.

Okay, I don't know how to say this without getting the pissy emails--but read my profile!  I'm successful in my own right, and will not/don't consider supporting someone else!  If/when I find the right situation, that person will be at least equal to me financially, and will share, at minimum, the lifestyle I now enjoy. 

That being said, I'm not dripping in diamonds, but I do own my home outright, don't take exotic vacations, eat well, and consider myself a good shopper, but don't wear used clothing unless it's too cool to pass up.