Grandpa has passed. It is bittersweet. I will miss the heck out of him, but so glad he didn't linger. We were able to exchange I-Love-Yous & goodnight kisses last night before he left the body early this morning.

When you see the body of a loved one gone & are able to think "that is not my loved one," it is an awkward kind of comfort. We really are not this body. We are so much more.

On the grandparent front:

Grandpa has pneumonia & is completely bed-ridden. He's hooked up to oxygen to help him breathe easier & is on a steady diet of morphine & pedialyte. Considering other aspects of his condition, I'll be surprised if he lasts the week.

Grandma has accepted his inevitable passing, but completely stressed. She went to use the microwave as a timer & ended up using the cook feature instead. Really glad that Mom was there & noticed.

It feels like Bedlam there, but I am glad to help anyway.

And life just gets busier.

Still helping with my grandparents, though some of that has slowed, as my grandfather was approved for hospice. It's devastating to think how quickly we may lose him, but I am fortunate to have to have had so many years getting to know this amazing man. My (maternal) grandparents lived in the same town most of my life & really helped raise me.
I worry about my grandmother; it seems to me that grandma clinging on desperately to the idea of grandpa getting better, at a time when we're just trying to make him comfortable.

Mom had surgery recently, & I am also helping her while she recovers.

And I have started back at my Halloween night job at a haunted attraction.

Be well, all.

Been very busy lately helping take care of my grandparents. Please understand if I can't get back to you right away.

I've been thinking for a long time about the right way to describe my ideal relationship. An email exchange helped me to get some of it out. It's incomplete, but it's a good start.

It's easy to think about what one doesn't want. I had a fellow ask to cam with me, saying I could tell him any number of humiliating & dangerous sounding sexual practices & that he would do them there on camera for me.

And I replied "Not my cup of tea, thanks. It's just not practical. If you can't come over & do my dishes, I'm not interested."

So really, where I'm at is much more subtle & I think it's possible to be dominant without being demanding.

There are times in bed where I want to be TAKEN. Push my arms up over my head & thrust into me. I generally like my penetration hard, though not rough. But that's not always submission, either. When a man is focusing nearly all his physical energy into pleasing me, when my moans & screams entice him to keep going, it's hard to call it submission on my part.

I'm more into how a man can serve me rather than having painful or humiliating dominance over him. Domestic chores, secretarial efforts, & a "helping hand" *ahem* now & then. My ideal discipline & punishment of the cuckold would generally be more creative, more mental than general physical pain. Can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I'm sure it would be appropriate for the situation.

IF MONEY WERE NO OBJECT

Some things that might give you insight into my heart & soul.

What I'd do if I could afford it.

Firstly, I'd get some property (about 5 acres) in the countryside, east of town. Something centrally located to the Halloween haunted attraction I work at annually, as well as the the large domestic cat rescue/sanctuary & the local horse rescue ranch. 

I'd have my dream house built there, a large octagon house, complete with attic bedroom & basement party room. There would be some other specific rooms, but I'll let that go for now.

Most plants & trees on the property would be specifically picked to be California native or climate friendly, as well as being personally useful in some way (edible, medicinal, useful as incense, etc).

The place itself would be a rescue ranch for cats, dogs, horses & livestock (& perhaps some turtles & rabbits too). This explains my desire to be fairly close to the other rescues, so I could work with them. Horse & livestock abandonment has become a very visible problem in my area & most shelters aren't equipped to house or care for the animals.

On a related note, I would like to start sub-group to my county 4-H chapter to teach kids about animal rescue.

Secondly, I'd like to do something for my local fringe festival. They do their best to find billets for out-of-town performers, so they don't have to pay for a motel or drive too far to the performance space. I'd buy an apartment complex in the area outright, furnish it, & make it available for use by performers if a suitable billet is unavailable.

I'd also love to have a shop where I sell the crafty things I make or fix up. I definitely enjoy the idea of upcycling, even if I'm not overly fond of the term itself (it's really just the "reuse" in reduce-reuse-recycle). Second hand clothes would also be available, generally sorted by how they would work as part of a costume.

There are other things I'd do, but these are the main 3.

Thanks for reading.

A little light reading:

Something from the best of craigslist

It's hot, it's true, & it's NSFW

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html

Why Men Fake Orgasms

http://www.alternet.org/sex/144729/why_men_fake_orgasms

Guys, you don't have to keep thrusting until I scream for mercy (as fun as that is).

Just be good with your hands, that's all.

I happen to be pescetarian & have been that way since the womb. I'm pretty chill about it & I can't stand people who get uppity about who's more vegetarian/vegan, as if it were some sort of contest. And to the hardcore carnivores, just a glance at my pictures will tell you I'm in no danger of starving or malnutrition. :) I'm generally cool w/ what you eat as long as you afford me the same respect.

my spiritual beliefs - the short version

I'm an eclectic pagan/kitchen witch (non-wiccan), standing at the corner of WooWoo Blvd & Skeptic Ave. 

I grew up in Science of Mind/Religious Science; now thankfully known as the International Centers for Spiritual Living.  Because honestly, it's neither religion nor science, though I enjoyed my early introduction to transcendentalism & what not. As I got older I had a hard time reconciling that even though it worked for me, it wasn't really science & accidentally glimpsing nasty organizational politics at an impressionable age.

These days, when I get up on time on Sunday mornings I'm right at home at the Unitarian Universalist Center. Friend-wise, I tend to get along swimmingly w/ Reform & Conservative Jews (I used to be the token goy at the CSUN Hillel) & laid-back atheists.

quirkyalone + ethical slut = quirkyslut

So that I don't end up writing an essay on my romantic & sexual philosophies, I'm just going to provide you with the links to sites that already explain them. Looking at my options up above, I don't think I can make outside links, so you'll probably have to copy/paste.

quirkyalone

http://quirkyalone.net/index./about-2/the-original-essay/

http://quirkyalone.net/index./about-2/quirkyalone/

ethical slut/ethical non-monogamist

It seems that poly-types have a near-monopoly on these terms. But they can apply to swingers, open-relationships, single people & yes, cuckold relationships. The point is that as long as everyone is honest with each other, no partner is truly being cheated on & no outside lover is being played.

http://sunnyrobinson.hubpages.com/hub/Ethical_Monogamy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

quirkyslut

http://quirkyalone.net/index./book/sample-chapters/le-quirkyslut/

In the interest of full disclosure & due to the nature of what I'm looking for, I've decided to start doing journal entries here on what I'm all about. I feel it's only right. For the first time in years, I'm looking for someone to partner with, not just a fuck buddy.

These entries would be as important as my profile for potential cuckolds. If they like what they read, then they may feel more comfortable contacting me. If what they read doesn't work for them, then they can move on without feeling they've wasted too much time.

I realize that nothing can take the place of getting to know someone in person, but hopefully this will help the process along.

~Renoir Bather