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raraofdoom

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Friends:
CSStone

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Right now I'm struggling with a failing relationship that I'm pretty sure is dead. If you're okay with that, then please, read on. But be warned that this is the case.?

I believe everyone has a chance at happiness, no matter how weird that person is. ?I don't feel that I'm at all being a "bitch" if I request that you meet certain requirements I have for a partner.?
I am NOT new to BDSM, and most of all, I'm NOT new to myself. I know what I want, and I know what I need. I've tried all sorts of situations with compromises on my desires and I've watched them fail. Above all things, at one point in time, I wanted to change who I was, I wanted relationships to work out, so that my life would be easier.
Nothing is easy for me.?
If I give you attention, you better be aware that you must be worth talking to. Yes, that's a compliment.
I am a strong submissive woman, and that's something that if you're interested in me, you're going to have to be accepting of.?

I much would prefer a transgendered Dominant with a Cock, and intact foreskin. If not trans, then very androgynous and slender/normal male, with uncut Cock. You have to understand that anything less than this and I just can't get aroused,You'd be as good as female to me. I didn't make me like this, it was my horror that I found myself like this, and I'm not making apologies to you for myself.
I have a vampire fetish as well.
Now, more about me.
I'm heavily heavily into ageplay.
I get aroused from fear. I'm definitely interested in a 24/7 relationship. I feel I need it, that I'd thrive on it.?
For now, I'm tired, so I'll update this later, if you have questions, feel free to ask.
Be aware that if you're interested, I require friendship first, I'm NOT going to suddenly move in with you, or fall in love with you after a few months of dating. I'm not a person that works that fast.

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9/7/2009 10:41:32 AM
Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile, I've been busy trying to find work, and I still will be for awhile, so you'll have to wait awhile for me to respond to your messages, but I promise I will.

8/31/2009 6:33:29 AM
Couldn't seem to change my journal color to anything but lime green, or change it back. How annoying. Here's a fantasy for you all: "You know," a deep voice says in the darkness, chuckling, "it amuses me how *defiant*," he says this word as if he's spitting it out at me, "you still are." I try, for a moment to strain my eyes against the darkness, to try and move toward the voice. I'm restrained, I realize. "Oh, go ahead and struggle," the voice says. I hear a match being lit from across the room, and I see his face illuminated for a split second. It's not enough of a glimpse for me to actually catch his features, but I begin to understand my orientation in the room. I appear to be on a bed of some sort, and it's slightly tilted up. I hear him inhale on his cigarette and the cherry glows in the darkness. He exhales, "You will *not* escape your binds this time, I can assure you that," He laughs a little. It feels like I'm in a dream, as if I've been drugged. My memory is quite hazy. Cautiously, I watch him smoke, it's slow and methodical. He's thinking. I can't help but wonder who he is, who I am to him, as I can't recall seeing him ever before. I'm actually surprised that I'm not panicked. "How about some mood lighting to start things off?" He asks, a rhetorical question. He lights another match, and candles just outside my peripheral vision add flickering warm light to the walls. The only thing I can see is the wall in front of me, and it's painted a shade of red. Against that wall is a cheap-looking metal chair and a small table which sits a little too low for me to fully see the top of it. He walks back over to the table, his long platinum blond hair vivid in this light. He is tall and skinny, dressed in all black. He sits in the chair, still smoking, relaxing a little and eying me warily. The lighting is too shoddy and I'm slightly too far away to fully see the details of his face as well as I'd like. His eyes are extremely light, and thickly lined with black eyeliner. It's smudged and looks as if he's been wearing it a few days. His nails are long, pointed and painted a shiny silver color - they almost look like metal. I find him very attractive, almost unearthly attractive. This makes me uncomfortable, but I don't show it, I just study him. "You know, I thought a long time about how to punish you for what you did, but maybe this is punishment enough," he says, taking the last drag of his cigarette, then putting it out on the table. "You can't move, you can't speak, you can only watch." At this moment I realized I hadn't tried speaking. I tried this now, and only a muffled sound came through. It was low and incoherent. I was not surprised at this for some reason. I continued to watch the strange man as he circled me - as best as I could, anyway. He stopped at my feet, and leaned against the bed, letting his hair obscure his face. He laughed, then sighed, looking up from between the light strands of his hair. "I almost have to thank you," he sighed, "for what you did to me," he stared me deep in the eyes. I felt like a piece of my soul was melting away... "Because now I know who I really am, and what it is that I really want..." His glare was intimidating. I desperately wanted to look away, so I averted my eyes as best I could. He began to crawl up my body, until his face was directly above mine. "You can't hide," he whispered in my ear, "it's futile to attempt any kind of escape from me now." I felt my face being stroked. It was loving and I let myself relax slightly. "I'm going to teach you the true meaning of helplessness," he said, "I will become god to you, and you will have absolutely no choice but to submit to my will." He eyes bore into mine then, and they were intensely passionate, "Do you understand?" He asked, gripping my chin with his hand. I grunted from behind my gag. "Of course you do," he said, grinning. It was then that I noticed his fangs. A tremor started in my belly at the sight of them. "Are you frightened now, little girl?" he asked me, his eyes bright, "are you just now realizing that it's not makeup and prosthetics?" Wait, I thought, those are real? I examined his face, and a shudder went through my body when I finally could see and envision what this man would look like with more than a few dimly flickering candles. But how? I wondered. I must've looked confused. "You don't remember, do you?" He asked in a sort of wonderous awe, "no matter, it doesn't change things a bit," he said. I exhaled deeply, waiting for him, as it was the only thing I could do. "First things first, I cannot allow your actions to go without punishment," He said, staring at his claws. To my amazement, I noticed he could retract and protract them at will. "You won't like it," he said, hopping off of me, "it will hurt and you won't be able to beg me to stop..." He said this in a detached voice as he walked away. I heard him pull a lever, and suddenly, I was being turned over, towards the floor. I turned all the way until I was being suspended above the floor. I had seen a rack of toys, implements, and punishment devices as I made my switch from right side up to upside down. It made me nervous. "You need to learn respect for me," he said, and I felt him stroking my ass, which was bare and I hadn't known it, "You need to learn that I can give You immense pleasure and immense pain." I felt the very tips of his claws dragging on my ass. I sighed in pleasure behind my gag and my pussy tightened in response, growing warm and anticipant. I wished he would touch me there, but I knew I must deserve punishment. Secretly, I lamented. "You will *never* attempt to leave me again," He said, his tone serious. Suddenly his hand cracked hard on my backside, and a lightning shock ran through my body, "You will not resist my commands," He said and I felt another firm smack. It sent tears to my eyes. I gritted my teeth but felt the gag in place as well as a plastic bit. "You will not threaten me, harm my possessions or blaspheme against me in public, *or* in your head," I received another few painful smacks. They seemed to send me to the next dimension- where each hit spawned rainbows and stars behind my eyes. "Most of all, you will never ever *lie* to me again," he said in an extremely stern voice. It actually shocked me that it didn't come with a growl. I heard his footsteps travelling away from me, and I knew he was walking to the rack of toys. The sounds of metal clinking and being unsheathed were delicious fear. I hoped he wouldn't be *that* inhumane. His footsteps echoed back toward me and all I could do was stare blankly at the cement floor, watching the patterns the candlelight made on on it. "The amount of pain I give you can never equal my love for you - remember that." He said in a regretless tone, and then it began. The pain was searing and followed by a sharp crack. There was no mercy, and no pauses between blows. I immediately began to sob despite myself, and the tears and snot I shed hit the floor with a definiteness that I wasn't comfortable with. Suddenly reality was all too real. I concentrated on the number of wet spots I created, a way to to bring sanity to my mind. I wondered what I had done exactly to evoke such wrath. All at once, I hated this man, but couldn't help but hear his words reverberating in my head- the amount of pain I give you can never equal my love for you'- I hoped it was true. I was crying uncontrollably, like a child. I felt guilty, so guilty, for something I didn't even have the details on, something I didn't remember doing. Even when I thought he might be slowing the blows, they continued in a ferocious manner, and I realized I had only been hoping for the end, as a new substance began to fleck its way onto the cement. Dark crimson flecks... my blood. I felt the blows even after they stopped, so intensely that I didn't even realize that the sound I was hearing in the room was my own wailing from behind the gag. Even as I heard it, I couldn't stop the cries. I saw more dots of blood on the tile and felt a coolness on my burning ass. Soon there was a puddle of blood. I realized quickly that it wasn't mine, that it never had been mine. It was coming from him. He was crying, soundlessly, but with his head resting on my lower back, allowing his tears to pass over my wounds. It was about then that I was able to get ahold of my incessant caterwauling, even when the pain seemed so intense and reverberating in me that I could've sworn my limbs had been removed. I was never more aware of how much I wanted and needed to be loved, how much I was still that small child within my heart. My tears began anew at the intense feeling of my own desire for love, being deeper than this pain, I only wanted an embrace, 'i love you's', someone to make the pain go away. In response, I felt him stroking my back, "It's okay, my little one, shh, shh..." he whispered softly, but still in a serious, commanding voice, "everything will be alright, I'm here with you." These words seemed to evoke more uncontrollable tears from me, coming from my heart. "I won't apologize for what I've done to you, just know how very much I love you," he said, moving his head close to mine, "You will always be my dolly," he whispered, and his fangs plunged into my neck. This feeling was a descent into pure pleasure, almost as if I was falling asleep.... the sharp pain fading into a heavy, relaxed feeling. My vision began to blur, and I couldn't fight the sleep that wanted to overtake me. * * * (to be continued)

8/30/2009 10:16:04 PM
The hills behind my house here in CA are on fire tonight. It's really pretty to watch, but sad at the same time. :(

8/30/2009 6:08:21 AM
Hello there! I'm not really sure how a journal works... :) How is everyone today? I will thank everyone on their interest in me, to let you all know, I'm looking for buddies here, I hope to find some life long friends. :) If you, yourself are interested in vampires at all, or have a vampire fetish, and want to be friends, I think we'd take to each other especially well. Of course anyone can be friends with me as long as they are open, honest, and truly seeking friendship. :)

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