rachek128

So, I felt the need to think on paper. Not quite paper,  but that's not the point. Read if you care for it - I'm just conceptualizing as I go. I figured if I have a 'journal' I might as well use it. Probably a bit too heavy for a place like this but I DON'T CARE so HA.

I rediscovered a term today, that I stumbled upon on accident.

subspace

My first thought was one of confusion, because my nerdbrain (close cousin of the lizard brain) immediately went off into Star Trek, which was a complete non sequitur given the context. Then, I made the connection, and I remembered.

I think subspace is the closest definition of what I feel I need. I need not only the ability to near-completely lose control as to feel safe enough to even consider it.

See, when I was much younger (though not much less snarky) my mother had the misfortune to get into a very bad relationship with an emotionally abusive man. I don't feel the need to discuss/agonize over the subsequent time anymore and I feel like I've managed to more or less put it behind me. I can't even clearly remember most of it and what I do doesn't hurt me to remember. However, it has changed me, quite dramatically, and shaped who I am today.

Luckily, while other parts of my personality didn't fare as well, my intellect, independence, and sexuality developed separate from the drama. It took some time to come to grips with the fact that I was submissive and had been long before. I had to put my own nature away for the duration and be as resolute and strong as I could, or else risk losing myself and my self respect. I became more introverted, and carefully guarded. In control.

Now that it's over, even years and years later, I'm still the same. Everything about me, from my words to my thoughts, is carefully analyzed and controlled. I can't turn it off. I can't let go. I can't just relax. I tried various forms of counselling, and they all told me that it's something I'd have to relearn to do. They tried, but it didn't help overmuch. Maybe some.

When I first started flirting with the thought of BDSM, I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow online that ended up a very close friend over the years. We explored together. He's also a submissive, though with a rather nice dom side that can be coaxed out, and we had our own strange, fumbling long-distance relationship for several years.

I distinctly remember when it happened. It started out like any other conversation of ours over video chat - pretty bizarre, but fun. Things started getting a bit heavier - he was pushing at me. I snarked back. He didn't relent. I smarted off. Think I even stuck my tongue out at him. He just kept at it until I was done involuntarily posturing and trying to get a rise out of him. Then he kept going. He kept talking me through it until, for the first time in a very long time, I stopped fighting. I wasn't studying myself and schooling my reactions. I finally felt comfortable enough to let it go, and when it was over and I came out of it, I felt like the years were gone and I was free because I could let myself trust again.

Since then we've gradually lost contact, unfortunately. I can't really say he's a friend anymore.

But I remember that day. I remember what it meant to me. Ever since I've been trying to find trust like that again. It's my heroin - my drug of choice. I've kind of come to the conclusion that such a scenario isn't likely, but...

I can't let go.