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i am not seeking anything more than friendship with Doms and/or subs. i do not need to be owned to be happy and content with life, nor do i need to be "made over" into A/anyone's idea of a good little sub. When and if i meet my One, He is the only One that i will submit to. To be clear, please don't message me and expect more that a very platonic friendship. Those that cross the line will be ignored and blocked.
These quotes below have always spoken to me and are favorites of mine, they are not here to seduce anyone, but are here for my personal enjoyment.
To T/those that know me, i am sure that Y/you understand the above and why i felt the need to write it.
For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul
Judy Garland
When you kiss me
Without uttering a single word
You speak to my soul
Unknown
The soul that can speak through the eyes
Can also kiss with a gaze
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer
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People come and go in our lives, for whatever reason. Most of the time I don't question the reasons, but there are times when it makes no sense. You meet, talk, establish a friendship, (platonic) and you care about what happens to friends.
You talk and share life's events, then with no warning there is no contact. You call, write, email and get no reply.........at least you try. Life goes on and every now and then you think and wonder how this person is, are they happy, safe, and you pray that they are not sick or worse.
Years pass and out of the blue there is a note and the cycle begins anew......and just as suddenly as the note appears, they fall off the face of the Earth again.
I'm older and wiser now, I'll still wonder and care what happens, but if and when a note appears out of the blue again, don't be shocked if the door isn't as open as it once was, or be shocked if I seem distant. The choices were made by you, so accept the consequences.
I will go on living my life and I will be happy and content ( I am happy and content for the record) I won't waste time on the what if's, i don't have time for that. I take each day and treat it as a treasured gift, try to live it to the fullest.
I have no regrets, no animosity towards you. I wish you all the happiness that Life offers, I wish you a life filled with peace, prosperity, and love. |
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Wow, time does fly! The good news, i am still kicking around. As far as i am concerned there is no bad news. Have to see the lung doc just to keep on the safe side, but there have been no changes in my health at least on the downside. my health has actually remained very stable and as far as my docs tell me, very healthy.
2012....a new year and i wish my friends a healthy, happy, peaceful New Year. |
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my Dearest F/friends,
i have what i feel is great news. the mass in my lung that was thought to be cancer just might be scar tissue from a chest tube from a surgery. geez, one would think that if the docs have the patient's complete medical history, they would have thought of scar tissue long before now.
no matter, i've used this possible mistake as a learning experience. i know that i value each moment of the day much more, i tend to be a great deal less judgemental and more forgiving then i was, and i do live each day as if it is my last. if anything, i am a better person because of this. again taking a negative and turning it to a positive, lol.
i'm learning a new skill, i'm carving and making things with clay. not as easy as i thought it would be, lol, it's not play dough.
i am going to receive an early birthday gift this month. my daughter is going to get me the supplies for stained glass and lessons if i need.
i am so excited, i have wanted to work with glass for so long.
now that the kids are in school all day, i need something to keep me out of trouble lol.
please be well D/dear F/friends |
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my dear F/friends, i apologize for not updating very often/not being online. i have had a few unexpected "bumps in the road" recently.
Of course, i took on too much while helping my daughter after her surgery, but as i told my doctor, i had no real choice. she had major complications and was readmitted to the hospital twice and there was no one else that could care for the children other than myself. (yes, most anyone could provide basic care for them, but not many know how to care for an autistic child)
The mass in my lung has not grown, and other than some weight loss, there have not been any major changes in my health. (i'm not upset about the weight loss......i feel okay, it's the family that doesn't like it.) i haven't lost all that much weight, i thought i had lost about 10 pounds, but my doc informed me that i had lost about 25 pounds. The way i look at it, my blood sugar is okay as is my blood pressure, so why worry.
At least it's summer and the children's schedules are relaxed. i've been sleeping later, but i do find myself going to bed much earlier.
i did have the chance to visit with my newest grand daughter this past weekend. She was born in May and i had not had a chance to even see her until this past weekend. she is beautiful of course.
i also found out that i will be blessed with another grandbaby in Feb. that will make six........lol, three of my four are now parents. At least my youngest is still enjoying the single life and working on her career. She says that she will wait until she meets the "right one" for her and is financially able to provide for a child.....i wonder.......is anyone really financially ready for a child, lol.
i am taking things easier. The house is clean, but i'm not obsessing if there is a dust bunny or two under the beds now. The two grandchildren i care for have asked me to show them how to paint.....and of course i'm thrilled. Not only am i giving them a creative outlet, i now have the time to work on my paintings while they create their masterpieces....how great is that?????
i will try to keep this updated more often, but if there are lapses, please don't worry. |
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taking a day at a time. one of my children had surgery recently, so of course i am trying to help out and take care of them. gets my mind off my own problems.
nothing new about the lung mass, the doc is just watching it and keeping an eye on it. i'm taking a break from the specialists, just seeing my primary doc at least until summer is over.
take care D/dear friends and know that i am thinking of Y/you. |
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hello Dear F/friends, my news is not good. the mass is a tumor, not malignant, but it still has to be removed. not sure when the surgery will be, but it should be soon. if i don't post for awhile, i'm probably recovering from the surgery or at chemo. yes, even though it's not malignant, the lung doc thinks it's best to have the chemo just to be on the safe side so that if there are any cells that are missed, the chemo will kill them.
i'll be fine though, i am still joking about this and eating what i want without worrying about gaining weight.
take care Dear F/friends and know that i'll be thinking of Y/you and i promise that i'll be writing here very soon. |
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i still don't know what the mass in my lung is. the lung doc does not want to do anything invasive yet. he feels that "it is not something to get all worked up about, it's serious, but not to worry"
fine for him, but this is my body and health so i am worried and will make sure that i leave no stone unturned while i figure this out for myself, since the docs won't do more than wait and see and let's try this med.
my primary care doc already knows me and is doing his best to figure out what is going on. at least he is keeping an eye on my lungs and making sure that the mass isn't growing or spreading.
okay, i want answers now and i have no patience, maybe the lung doc is just being cautious and wants to be sure of what it is before he tells me.
i just know that i can't do things that i could do last spring without getting tired faster. i am more cautious about my health and doing things that will improve my general health and i've quit smoking........not an easy thing to do and i know that i was not the easiest person to be around those first few weeks.
i'll post again when i know something, until then, Dear F/friends, know that i am still here even if i don't post or email ...........getting through the day sometimes takes all that i have so being online is not an option on those days. |
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well, yet another visit to the doc. my primary care thinks that my lungs are sounding much better........good news, i think. i'll be seeing the lung specialist next week, so i'll hold off on celebrating until i hear what he has to say.
i don't feel much better. today i took two of my 5 grandchildren outside to play. i thought that i would do a little bit of gardening with them and had to sit and rest after barely starting.
i thought that i would make things easy for myself and hooked up the battery to their car, thinking that i would be able to just sit and watch them play. that didn't quite work out the way i thought.....they forgot how to steer it and make corners..........i saved the garden a few times before i was able to show them how to steer again........that's when they decided that riding bikes would be more fun. ....it probably was for them but i was ready for a nap when we finished, lol.
anyway, the weather is getting warmer and helping keep the pain levels at bay. warmer weather means less clothing and that is great news to me.
take care dear F/friends and i hope i'll have better news the next time i post. |
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i had yet another doctor visit today. i don't know anything more today than i did when i learned the results of the pet scan. The only concrete information i have is that what ever the mass in my lung is, it did not glow during the pet scan, so no malignancy. i'll take that as good news.
i asked my doc today what we are going to do now. He said it's basically going to be a wait and see thing. He's treating me as if the mass is a localized pnuemonia until it either goes away or gets worse. He told me not to worry about it, and go on as if i was never told there was a mass. ~right.......like i'm going to forget that scare~
i did quit smoking cold turkey and i don't have any desire to smoke. yes, my daughter and son in law still are smoking in the house, but it isn't causing me to crave a cigarette. i know that my daughter is going to quit soon, she spoke to my doc about prescribing something to help her quit today.......that mass is doing some good after all.
i'm going to relax a little and try not to worry, but.....this is a wake up call and i am not going to just forget about it. i will pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me and drive my doc crazy until there is no sign of a mass of any kind. ~smile~ my friends would expect nothing less of me.
i am thankful that i had this scare, crazy as it sounds. i wake up thankful every morning and as i go through the day i'm finding that i don't take things for granted. i'm enjoying everything from the seeds that i planted sprouting to the sticky kisses and hugs my grandchildren give me. i try not to argue with anyone and when i go to bed, i can put my head on my pillow and feel that not only have i had a productive day, i've grown as a person and have no regrets. As a Dear Friend is known to often say, " How great is that?" |
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~update!~
i had a pet scan done last Friday. i spoke on the phone with the pulmonary doc. He told me that there was nothing on the pet scan that "glowed" from the radioactive glucose i had injected nor from the barium cocktail i drank. As i breathed a sigh of relief, he stated that i was not out of the woods yet.
He will be studying all of the test and scans and will schedule one more cat scan around the first of May. If by some small miracle, the mass is a localized pneumonia, awesome, but he feels that there is more going on than that.
i've already quit smoking, so that's a huge plus, most anything going on can be stopped now or if i'm lucky some of the damage reversed over time.
There is a possibility that the mass is just that a mass. i'll have it removed, not if's and's or but's. There is also still a chance that it's not benign, i'll still have it removed and will do what i have to to fight it.
i'm going with the most likely, it's emphazema and i'm already fighting back. Between my stubborn streak and thinking positive, i can fight back hard.
i might have to go on oxygen therapy for a short time along with exercise. The stronger my lungs are, the better able my body will be to fight back.
so, Dear Friends, i'm not going anywhere. i am learning about what is going on and how i can fight it. As a song from Donna Summer says, " i will survive!"
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saw the lung doc today. besides quitting smoking(something i've wanted to do) i have to have a pet scan done this Friday. this will at least tell me if i have an infection or if it's cancer. other than that........no news is good news right? |
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i'm heading out for yet another doctor appt today ~oh joy~ i should find out if i will have more non-invasive tests run or if we'll be doing a biopsy asap.
my primary care doc called me Sat. and Sun. just to make sure that i was not worrying and that i was okay. He also informed me that while the RT was doing an arterial blood gas draw, i hit the RT in the thigh hard enough to leave a bruise. my doc said it was completely a reflex action and that he knew that i did not do this intentionally. The RT did not listen to me, i told him to use my right arm because my left was the most painful arm.........silly boy did not listen, so if i did hit him, oh well. i do remember grabbing the blanket and squeezing it hard so that i would not hit. my doc thought it was kind of funny and the RT admitted that it was his own fault.
At least now they plan on medicating me before doing anything that will hurt me.
i'll update when i find out anything. Until then, my dear F/friends, please take care. |
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~please note~ i am using this journal to keep my friends informed about what is going on with me. i would rather use something more personal, but this is one of the few ways that i can update as many friends as possible at one time.
That being said, i have to admit to being very scared. i was rushed to the ER yesterday, spent the entire day there having test after test done. At first they (the docs) thought that it was a heart attack, but after about an hour and two tests, they realized that it was not my heart. Then they were/are thinking that i have an embulism (?) in one of my lungs. After a chest xray and a cat scan, they think that there is a "mass" that needs to be looked into more closely. They sent me home with a super antibiotic, thinking that by some slim chance it's a localized infection in my lung. If, after the antibiotics are gone in 3 more days, the mass is still there and has not grown smaller, they are going to do a biopsy.
Those that know me will know that even though i am scared, this will not get to me. i will fight what ever it is, just like i have fought the progression of the RSD. Remember, i was supposed to be in a wheelchair long before now and i still can walk without the cane most days.
Thanks for letting me vent and i'm sorry that i could not let Y/you know in a more personal venue. Please just keep me in Y/your thoughts and understand that if i am not online much or if Y/you don't hear from me, this is what is going on and i'm going to concentrate on beating this. |
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~just an update~ i woke up this morning with an intense pain on the left side of my chest. i didn't panic or worry, i've had this dang cold for way too long now and figured that i either have bronchitis or pneumonia. i have pneumonia as well as pleurisy. i wasn't too shocked and the pleurisy is just an inflamation of the tissue that surrounds the lungs. so, a round of antibiotics, lots of fluids and rest. at least i'm not going into the hospital, so i'll have to do as the doc says.
it's not going to be easy to do what i want, my daughter is going to drive me crazy. why did i let her go to med school???? anyway, it looks like i'll catch up on some reading, maybe if i can talk my daughter into it, some painting and i'll just keep making things for the new grand daughter and my girlfriend's new grandson. at least this happened now instead of in the summer. |
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a quick note~ the flu bug has hit us again! Both bababies are sick along with my daughter and myself. the good part is that at least the babies want to sleep with it this time, so my daughter and i are able to rest. bad part, she still has to go to classes and clinicals and i still have to take care of things around the house.
Spring is coming right???? |
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i am looking forward to Spring and much warmer weather!!! Those that know me will understand that the cold temps are driving my pain levels through the roof.
i'm trying to adapt to more limitations that my body has decided to place on me. i think that i could cope with more limitations on my legs than i can with my hands. i'm finding it hard to paint and work on my calligraphy. Sometimes the most simplest of things can send me into a state of frustration.
After a lengthy visit with my primary care doc and numerous tests, i now have to see a hand specialist and probably a doc that specializes in arthritis.........oh joy!
my primary care doc is thinking that i need surgery on at least my right hand and most likely my left.........not me, i destest surgery. i'm doing my research and learning all that i can before i'll consider surgery. Okay, i'm stubborn and want to take my time before accepting the fact that the docs just might know what they are talking about.
i have managed to finish one water color painting that i've been working on and have started another much larger painting...........always optomistic, lol.
i've kept up with small motor exercises and have completed three baby sweaters, hats and blankets for the new additions that will be born soon. i'm even trying to relearn how to knit socks! i haven't done that since i was in my teens, so it is almost like learning for the first time.
i've heard from several F/friends that i had not heard from for a long time and am happy that T/they are well.
i still long to be able to give my submission to One as is my nature, but time and health have not made that possible.............yet. Soon, please, always hopeful. |
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Happy Holidays to A/all and Happy New Year! |
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i'm finally over the bronchitis/cold/pnumonia!!!! The doc "thinks" that my body is having a hard time dealing with these things because of the rsd. Heck, i've known this for over ten years now. Oh well, at least he's willing to learn more and listens to me.
The babies are doing great in school. my grand daughter brought home her first report card yesterday. It hit me how fast the years are flying by.
i've made it through another birthday and still don't feel the age that i am. my mind tells me that i'm still growing up and my body reminds me that although i have the daily pain and at times it's hard to move, i'm still far from being over the hill. i still have the desires and needs and don't ever want to know what life is like without having the need or desire.
i've heard from a friend that i lost contact with and am relieved to know that things are okay and that we are back in contact again.
Winter is sneaking in fast and i don't like the colder temps, but it just means that Spring will be here soon enough. i do find beauty in the cold though. Yesterday i was out for a walk and the sun was hitting some branches in just a way that the drops of rain that were still lingering sparkled like diamonds and i had to get home and sketch what i saw before i lost the image.......i have that urge to paint again and when i have an image in mind i have to work on it quickly or i won't be able to concentrate on anything else.
anyways, Life is good and i look forward to waking up everyday and welcome what each day brings. |
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i had a "minor" relapse and was forced to do nothing but stay in bed and rest. It was better to agree to that than to end up in the hospital.
i'm still not 100%, but i am much better. i have to go to the doc again today. Maybe he'll have something to help with the night sweats. As cold as it's been here at night, i am always surprised to wake at about 3 am sweating as if it's 99 degrees inside.
As far as the pain levels, they are tolerable and i have been able to do most of the housework. Strange how i now enjoy doing chores more than i did before the bed rest.
The babies are well and doing great in school. my daughter is still over-achieving, emt, going to paramedic classes, starting reg. resp. care therapist classes and was told that she has been nominated as valeditorian of her class.
i have nothing to complain about, and so much to be thankful for, improving health, family doing well, friends, ect. Life is way too short to concentrate on negatives. |
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Finally i am beginnng to feel like myself! Things seem to be back to almost normal and i have a bit more energy. This is not a way to lose those few extra pounds though. i lost more weight than i can afford to and the doc told me to try and gain back 5 pounds.
The babies are back in school and feeling better as well. Why do some parents send their kids to school sick??? It's not right nor is it fair to the other families. i understand how hard it can be when one is working and raising a family alone, but if your child is sick, keep them home even if you have to take time off from work. i raised four children alone and there were times when i had no choice but to take time off to take care of a sick child.
okay, off of the soap box.
i've started my fall cleaning, downstairs is complete, now the upstairs and going through the toy boxes (children's)
i'll just have to watch myself and not overdo things or try to get it all done in one day. |
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well, i think the meds are finally beginning to work. i can finally eat. breathing is easier and i am sleeping a little better. can't ask for more than that.
i'm just impatient and want to be over this and better yesterday.
i hate being sick and i know that i am not a good patient. |
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just got back from yet another visit with the doc. this bronchitis pneumonia is taking a toll on me. i have no energy, no strength and hate it.
my son in law came off the road and is only doing local trucking jobs, just to be home and help out. it's a huge help to me, but i hate having to have anyone do anything for me. even the babies are doing chores without being told and are strangely well behaved. even the animals are all calm and behaving. they drive me crazy though having to come into my bed and snuggle up to me just to make sure i am okay. my jack russell went and woke up my daughter last night when my fever went too high. i didn't know anything until this morning when she told me. she said i took my meds and said i was okay and went back to sleep. amazing how animals sense things. well back to bed for me before i lose computer privilages. |
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Back to school..........hello every germ and bug out there! the babies brought home a lovely upper resp. bug last week. i've been the "lucky" one to catch it and have been fighting it since the weekend. i can deal with the fever and the stuffy nose, it's the sore throat and coughing that get to me. Oh well, it will run it's course and i should be feeling better by next week. |
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i had to see the doc before he went away for the long weekend and wouldn't you know it.......he upped the dosage with my medication. i had been looking forward to the weekend, but after getting the prescription filled, i started to dread it. i am never looking forward to any changes with my meds, but this one med especially.
The positive side was that i wouldn't have to start the stronger med until Sunday, at least my daughter would have finished taking her federal certifications for EMT. i feel safer somehow lol.
i took the meds later than i should have on Sunday.......didn't want to mess up an entire day if i felt groggy or worse. All of my fears were for nothing. i did feel a little "out of it" but nothing like what i had anticipated. Today was a little more shaky, but i did manage to have a great day with two of my grandbabies.
i also had some bad news. my son had had surgery earlier in the week and was rushed to the hospital with chest pains on Friday. The docs kept him for a few days in the cardiac unit. Thankfully it was not anything to do with his heart. Turns out it was an arthritic type of incident.....at least this is what he told me.
Now i am looking forward to getting back to a "normal" routine. Something about the start of the school year gets me motivated to finish projects so that i can get moving on making my Christmas gifts.
This year i have requests for 6 blankets/afghans/quilts, 4 sweaters, drapes for a friend's new house along with a few table runners, and of course the usual mittens, hats, scarves and socks. i think i have enough to keep me out of trouble for at least a month or two, lol. Then i can start all the baby knitting........one more grandbaby for me and one for a close friend's daughter, both due about the same time. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that neither pregnancys are twins. |
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First day of school and man is it quiet in this house! i could get used to this, lol. All of my chores are done and i'm looking for things to do. my grand daughter came home from school, said she liked it and went to bed for a nap on her own. i guess kindergarten is hard work, lol. i like having my mornings to myself, but i'll just get used to it and it will change in January when she switches to the afternoon class.
That's when her mom's schedule gets crazy.......classes, clinicals and work. i am glad that i'm the one that gets to stay home. |
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i heard from Someone very dear to me yesterday. He has been silent for a very long time. ~smiles softly~ i can stop worrying about Him, He told me that He's doing better and that's what counts.
i look forward to talking more with Him and catching up, so much has happened and there is so much to talk about.
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The babies go back to school this week! i should have my mornings free but that is always subject to change. i keep daydreaming about what to do with my three hours........chores, projects.........maybe i can actually paint????? i think that the silence will be driving me crazy in a week, lol.
i doubt if i will be sitting around doing nothing with the holidays just around the corner. i still have three grand children that have birthday parties, Christmas and i just found out that i will be meeting a new grandbaby in the Spring.......along with one of my dearest friend's daughter having a baby around the same time. Busy hands are happy hands right? |
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it looks like the meds are working on my grand daughter. i'm keeping fingers and toes crossed that she won't have to deal with lyme disease ever again in her life. what a scare.
she finishes her meds the day of her 5th birthday party. hard to believe that five years has flown by so quickly. heck, i can still close my eyes and see her mom as a newborn, nevermind see her as one.
the summer seems to have flown by too. the babies will both be in school this year and they start in two weeks! i'll have free time, i hope, lol.
my daughter has passed her EMT boards and will begin her paramedic training this Jan. She'll also be in the fire academy getting her firefighter one certification, on top of finishing nursing school. i'm not sure which one of us is crazy.......her for all the schooling or me for agreeing to help her with the babies and the house while she is in school........maybe a tie???
my pain levels are up and down lately. mostly due to the changes in the weather here.....rainy one day then sunny........hot to cool.........oh well, i'll adapt again.
have to see a hand specialist.......not too happy about that. one more pompous prima dona that think that they know it all. i know that it is just a progression of the rsd and it's just one more thing to adapt to, maybe adjust the meds, in any case, i will live and continue to be my awesome self. |
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when it rains, it pours.
after dealing with trying to adapt to a new med, finding out that it wasn't working for me and then having to wean off from it, we found out that my sweet grand daughter has lyme disease.
right now it's being treated with intense antibiotics, and i'm hoping and praying that this will be the one and only time she'll ever have to deal with it. we caught it within days of finding and removing the tick and thankfully we kept the tick to bring to the doc....just in case.
why is it that so many doctors have so much wrong information on things like this???? the doc that was covering for her pediatrician told us that we had nothing to worry about, that there was no danger of lyme in this state and that we don't have the type of ticks that carry the disease. i'm wondering what planet he's on??????
we keep the grass mowed (now mowing even shorter) check the babies and dogs when they come inside, so it was just one of those fluke things.
i would advise anyone to be very diligent after being outside, check very carefully and if a tick is found, remove it completely and save it. you never know.
time is flying by so quickly, the grands go back to school at the end of this month........woooo hoooo !!!! i'll have about 3 hours to myself. hmmmmm, so many things i want to do.........but just sitting and enjoying the quiet will make me happy. |
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i haven't been online longer than the time it takes to check my mail. i've been having bad pain days and don't understand why. i usually have moderate pain during the summer, unless there is a bad storm.
When i talked with my doc yesterday, he didn't understand it either and wrote it off as just being part of the condition, also adding that there is a big possibility of it being fibromyalgia or rhumitoid arthritis. oh joy! i hope not! i have enough to cope with and adapt to with the crcps. i fight hard everyday just to keep my range of motion and keep moving.
okay enough whining, i'm going to try and go to the lake with my daughter and the babies this afternoon and hope that it helps bring down the pain levels. |
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i just want to clearly state that i am not seeking more than platonic friendship at this time. Those that i speak with know my situation and understand it. For Those that have sent a note expecting more without even getting to know me a little first, please read the above again.
The new meds seem to be helping, but i still am adapting to them. Strange, i'm fine in the morning, but i get drowsy at about lunchtime. (and i have the patch on 24/7 and take a pill at bedtime) The positive is that i'm not having any negative side effects and i have less pain.
i've been letting the baby bird fly outside for a few days now. It was coming back to me to eat and to come in at night to sleep. Yesterday it came back around lunchtime, but after feeding, it flew off and has not come back yet. i'm hoping that it has found other birds to be with and is beginning it's life in the wild. i've been checking where the barn cats usually leave the things they've killed and so far no birds, only mice.
i'm thankful that i was given the chance to nurture and care for this baby and watch it grow and fly away. What a gift.
i've found time to paint again. i've just had to include the grandbabies. They have their paints and paper and paint along with me. It takes a bit longer and i have to stop and admire the things they've created. i hope that when they've grown up, that they will look back at these times and be happy. |
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i just want to clearly state that i am not seeking more than platonic friendship at this time.
Those that i speak with know my situation and understand it.
For Those that have sent a note expecting more without even getting to know me a little first, please read the above again.
With that being said, i've been a bit busy the past few weeks. i've had neighbors and friends of my now adult children bringing me baby birds and rabbits needing to be cared for. Sadly, the rabbit did not make it and for once i can say that and not mean that i am pregnant, lol.
The bird is now fully feathered, foraging for food outside and has taken a few short flights. i'm hoping that it will be ready to be released in the next few days.
i've done all of this while keeping up with my chores and having the two grands out of school. yes, i fall into bed exhausted but happy.
i do miss not serving a Dom, but, i am happy with my life just the same. All too soon, the grands will be self sufficiant and i will no longer be needed here. That's when i will seek again. |
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i realize that most of what i journal is probably boring to most. i journal for myself and what is on my mind at the time. It helps me to keep things in perspective.
As for the submissive part of me(admittedly a huge part of me) i've had to push things aside and deal with not nurturing that part of myself. i know that in time, i will again seek my One, but for now i have to focus on other things in my life.
There are times when i crave to serve a Master, and yes, i do long for that. At times i struggle with the need to serve and begin to feel sorry for myself (and anger with myself) for making the choices and committments that i have.
Life is too short to dwell on the "if onlys and woulda, coulda, shouldas. It won't be long before my committments are fulfilled and i am no longer needed here, then i can begin to seek again.
hmmm....raining here, perhaps rainy days trigger these thoughts. In any case, i am happy with my life and know that there is much more to look forward to. |
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another visit with the doc. everything is healing nicely. i can finally go back to doing things again! within reason of course.
have to see the doc again in a month, but that's not too hard to take.
the horse we're fostering is beginning to trust us more and more everyday. somewhere in it's past, someone mistreated it and it's going to be at least another month before we even attempt to ride it. i've been chosen to be the one to ride mainly due to my being light weight. ~grinning~ of course i have not mentioned this to the doc.......yet. |
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the good news is that the staples have been removed.......all 39 of them. geez, i wonder if they had a sale on them at the medical supply store. my doc is pleased with how i am healing, but i am still restricted in what i am allowed to do........for at least another week.
at least the weather is nice and sitting outside and watching the babies play and explore is fun.
the horses are used to us now and come to visit me when i sit outside in the morning to have my coffee. the babies have no fear of them and i am amazed at how gentle the horses are with them.
one of the owners has offered to give them riding lessons free of charge. we only have to help groom her horses and help care for them when she is unable to be here. sounds like a great deal to me, especially since the horse she'll use with them has been used to work with autistic children in the past and i've seen this horse sense when a rider is new or experienced and the differences in the gait.
looks like the kids will have a great summer filled with an incredible learning experience mixed with fun. sitting on the sidelines isn't all that bad, now if i had that special One to share this with..................oh well. |
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i am trying to follow the doc's orders and just sit and do very little.......not easy when the weather is finally nice and the flower beds and vegetable garden are calling me. i'm not one to let someone else do things for me so it's difficult to watch my daughter digging and turning the soil for me.
On a positive note, i am getting the knitting and sewing projects that i've been putting off finished. At least i'll be ahead of getting the birthday and Christmas gifts made.
my grandson, who is on the low end of the autisim spectrum, is having a difficult time with me not being able to do things with him that i did before the surgery. He doesn't want to leave my side and has been giving his preschool teachers a hard time. i can only reassure him that i am getting better and in a little bit, i'll be able to pick him up and play again. His sister, who is a year older, has been awesome. she's four going on ninety, lol, to see her running the vacuum that is bigger than she is, is funny.....but she gets the job done.
Both babies have surprised me, they began to load the dishwasher after meals without being asked to. i am amazed at how much they learn just by watching. my grand daughter will tell my grandson that it's "cleanup time" and they both pick up toys and grab a dust cloth and dust everything that they can reach even if it's something that doesn't get dusted.......like the dogs and cats. lol
i've been told that i might not have the staples removed on Monday, keeping my fingers crossed that the doc will remove them and not make me wait. Then i can begin to do things and not sit around. |
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surgery is over.........hooray! everything went well. now i have to be patient until the staples are removed. i'm thankful that the risks that were possible did not happen.
i did not realize how close i was to having my body go completely into rejection of the scs. i knew that it was beginning to, but it is frightening to learn how close i was.
from what the doc says, the only things that i have to be concerned about now are increased pain levels and a chance of losing mobility. the pain levels can be dealt with, i'll just have to work hard to keep mobility.
the meds have me sleeping for a few hours, awake for a few and then back to sleep. i have to ask what day it is, and at times, if it's day or night, lol. i'll be glad when i don't have to take the meds. |
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surgery is just a few days away.....okay, i'll admit it, i'm nervous. i think it's because i want it to be over and done with.
i can't get a straight answer from the docs yet on how long i have to stay in bed. that will be the hardest part for me, having to stay in bed and do nothing. |
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finally have adjusted to the meds, lol, just in time for surgery. i now have a third child that has decided to become a firefighter. it gives me a good feeling, i've done something right with them.
i haven't been able to get online much, but that probably will change when i have the surgery.......i will have to sit still and do nothing for a couple of weeks.
other than that, life is good. |
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new meds are helping, but getting used to them is hell. i've slept around the clock for a few days, then have been sick to my stomach for two days.....the doc says that this will pass and i'll feel better........hope so. |
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Wow does Life send a wake up call! my son in law's mom passed away and i've been helping with the babies and everything else that i could. i'm glad that i try to enjoy each day and find something positive every day. i hope that when my time comes, i'll feel that i've lived a happy life.
surgery is scheduled for april 3rd. have to see the doc on monday for meds and pre op testing. fun is lol.
snowing all day today, but the good part is that the babies want to snuggle.
don't have time to get online lately. maybe when everyone gets back to a "normal" routine i'll have more than a minute for myself. |
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After this weekend, i have to admit that the docs are right this time. With the drop in temp and the high winds, my pain levels flew off the chart. As hard as i tried to fight past the pain, i finally had to give in and stay in bed. This morning i still have high pain levels, but i am able to move around on my own.
my stubborn streak has been a positive quality in the past, but at this time i'm beginning to see it as a negative. i think the reason that i fight so hard when the pain levels rise is because my greatest fear is to find myself confined to a wheelchair or bed. The docs were wrong when they first thought i would be in a wheelchair by 2000, and so far i've kept proving them wrong. Now they say maybe i won't have the need of a wheelchair, but why take any chances?
my surgery is still about a month and a half away. Fear of the unknown does creep in from time to time. At least i know that with the surgery, many other treatments are available.
thoughts for today, just keep moving and don't worry about tomorrow. i'll get past this and Spring is not that far away. |
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i may not get online for more than a few minutes at a time, but i do try to keep in touch with friends. i've been wondering about this new feature here and i think i like it. i'm proud to let others know that i have a Dear Friend that not only added me to His list of friends, but is on my list as well.
To those that i "talk" with, please let me know if You would like to be on this public list as well. i wouldn't think of adding anyone without asking first, i respect privacy.
i've been able to find a little bit of time to sketch, and have a few waiting to be painted. Now to find the time to do a bit of painting. If i don't find time before April, i'll be forced to take it easy after surgery so there's a few projects that will be waiting for that.
The grandbabies are thrilled with the hats, mittens and sweaters that i've made for them. Now i'm being asked to sew "princess dresses" and "firefighter gear" for them. At least it keeps me from being bored and out of trouble. |
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Living on a farm is awesome! With the storms and snow, i find that i have the desire and need to sketch and paint again. It seems like it's been ages since i've been compelled to pick up a pencil or paint brush, but it feels so good.
we have a new addition to the family, a chocolate lab named "Buddy" . |
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the move is over finally! it went smoothly, thankfully. now i have to unpack and settle in. i'm just glad that i have my internet connection again lol. Happy New Year! |
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Moving Day.......oh joy! i will be so glad when everything is in the new house. i am looking forward to living in the new house, but i really hate the process of moving lol.
A New Year, a new house and a new road on my journey, i can't think of a better way to ring in the new year.
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Wishing All Happy Holidays and a New Year that is filled with peace, happiness, health, prosperity and love. |
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i can't count the times i've been told that "good things come to those that wait". ~smiles~ i can now say that the statement is true, at least for me it is.
So when i am struggling to be patient, i'll remind myself of this statement and will be able to strive even more to remain patient.
This journal is a tool for me, so for those that just happen to read it........this doesn't have to make any sense to you, nor do You have to understand what i may write. i understand it and that is all that matters.
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Sometimes when You don't search for Someone, They slip in before You even realize that They are exactly what You have been seeking. How great is that?
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Life is very good. i slip into sleep and the promise of bright tomorrows. Each morning brings a fresh start and hope of things to come.
i am not seeking more than friendships, just wanted to clarify this.
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Life goes on. The heart remains dormant and a part will always belong to Him. i keep myself busy and my days full, my mind continues wander where it wants.
There is so much of life yet to live and enjoy and i plan to savor each and every moment. If the fates decide that i will go on alone, so be it. i wake every morning happy and ready to begin a new day. i go to sleep at night tired but happy and at peace. i'll continue to work at being the best person that i can possibly be and hope that i don't cause anyone any hurt or harm , intentionally or unintentionally.
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To finally learn the reason for the silence is a huge relief, yet at the same time it is still cause for deep concern.
i have a vast variety of emotions that i am feeling right now, from relief to guilt, to worry and many more.
i still can only wait and pray that He is healing and will once again take me into His confidence.
Not knowing is akin to free falling into a deep, dark chasm.
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Commitment is what turns a promise into reality. |
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